Archives: Dealing With Body Dysmorphia with April Sunshine

Today's mini-episode looks back into Season 4 Episode 2 with April Sunshine where we discuss the concept of  Body Dysmorphia. Listen to the full episode here!

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Transcript

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco 0:07

Hello , my dear passengers , and welcome aboard the self-growth train , a podcast that combines personal stories , opinions and research in order to better guide you through your self-growth journey . My name is Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco and I am your tour guide . First , I just want to say: Thank you, thank you , thank you for tuning back in for another episode of season number 6 . Today we're going to be looking into an archived episode , but before we do , I want to give you a little update . Okay , if you guys remember about I want to say like a month or maybe two months ago I talked about how , instead of saying that it's going to be an episode every Tuesday , it was going to be on two random Tuesdays of the month . Okay , well , I'm going to change it again because I've been keeping it consistent and I think I can handle it . So now , for sure , for sure , we're going to be releasing an episode every other Tuesday . What does that mean ? That after today , next week , there won't be a new episode , but the week after there will be one . So I fully , fully , fully would like you to be involved and , you know , come back and , like , tune in and listen to that new episode . In the meantime , I'm just saying there's a lot of episodes that you can listen to , from seasons one through six , okay , so whenever you get a chance , I would definitely , definitely recommend you going back to all of those seasons and checking those episodes out .

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco 1:36

Listen , maybe you have not gone through any of the topics that I have been discussing over the last three years . I know it's been three years . I can't believe it either , but , yes , you might have not been dealing with any of that stuff , but you might know someone that has and who knows , maybe when you listen to the episode , you might be able to say , hey , I listened to an episode that might help you . You know , it sounds weird , but it has happened before and I've had people reach out . Some of my passengers have reached out and they've been like telling me this . So that's why I'm like you know what .

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco 2:07

I'm going to start saying that in the podcast because , at the end of the day , that is the purpose of this podcast . Like I want to make sure that people don't feel alone and I want to know what people want to talk about , which reminds me if you're not following me on social media , what are you waiting for ? I have Facebook , instagram , youtube , obviously , and I also have email at the self-gross train podcast at gmailcom , so you can definitely reach me at any of those and talk to me . Tell me what things you like about the podcast , what things you don't like about the podcast and also what topics you want to be talked about , because this is our podcast and I obviously want to hear from you . As I mentioned earlier today , we have an archived episode and it's featuring one of my really close friends , April Sunshine , where we talked about body dysmorphia . Well , without further ado , here's today's episode . Stay tuned .

April Sunshine 3:01

For me personally , body dysmorphia it's something related to a negative body image that you have which affects , I believe , most people personally and physically . So physically and mentally it's an issue revolving around how a person feels about how they look or act , or it's both internal and external . I have body dysmorphia . I have reverse body dysmorphia . So for most of my life I was underweight because I had kidney surgery and everything . So I was underweight and I was always told there were issues with my body . You know , I was just giving us two balmy , I didn't have boobs , and then very quickly I gained weight and I did not realize until about two years later and all of a sudden I was fat , I had a belly , I had , you know , everything else under the sun that I didn't have before . But in my brain when I think of myself , I will revert back to I'm 98 pounds , I'm underweight , and then I take a picture . It's like , no , I'm nearly 200 pounds and I have a double chin . So , and then that really beats me up mentally and physically .

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco 4:15

So I'm working on it , though it's interesting because you're the first person that openly talks about it with me . So you use of hearing about the body dysmorphia when you look at yourself in the mirror and you see yourself as bigger . So it's very interesting to see that there's also reverse body dysmorphia . So that's quite intriguing for me . My body dysmorphia it's kind of weird and I say that lightly because there probably is other people like me out there .

April Sunshine 4:44

Well , everybody has it . There's nothing weird about it .

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco 4:47

Yeah , like we all have . Obviously we all have moments where we have a poor body image or like negative thoughts about our bodies , but for me , my body dysmorphia comes more when I take pictures .

April Sunshine 5:01

Okay , yeah , that makes sense .

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco 5:03

So when I take a picture and I look at the person in that picture , I do not recognize her . Yep , I have the same thing . It drives me nuts , and it's not necessarily weight related , it's more of like feature related . Like I will look at my nose and I'm like that's not how my nose looks . Or I will look at my teeth and I'm like that's not how they look , like on my lips . Or I know that the thing that like messes up with me the most is my eyes .

April Sunshine 5:33

So question then have you you've seen the photos I post on social media ? Have you noticed a commentary between them ? I roll my eyes . I do that because I have a lazy eye . Okay , I do that because I was taught by society and everyone around me that a lazy eye is wrong . It's an issue I have and it comes out in photos . So I roll my eyes in the photos and yeah , what ? So nearly every photo from middle school , throughout , maybe three years ago , I roll my eyes in , unless someone has specifically asked me not to what , and even then I don't look at the camera because it makes my eye go in . I look off to the side .

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco 6:15

That is so intriguing . No , so , so it's more than just weight . Yeah , yeah , wow , no , no , no , like I just I'm telling you I'm learning a lot from you and like it hasn't even been three minutes , I'm learning a lot from you , but no like for me . It's like I will look at myself in the mirror right and I see a serenity image . Like I know I'm not skinny , I know I'm not like super overweight , I know I am overweight , but if I put on a shirt and it shapes my body differently from what I'm perceiving , it fucks with me for the rest of the day . And I distinctly remember last year I want to say it was February or March I went to Pennsylvania and keep in mind that , yes , I'm aware of my body weight , but at the same time , I'm also very conscious of how my body feels . So I'm usually pretty good at saying like , okay , I've gained weight .

April Sunshine 7:10

Okay , you look completely confident Every time I talk to you . I want your confidence . I'm just saying .

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco 7:15

But it's not like it's not a real . Okay , yes , there is some confidence behind it , but it's like I'm confident in real life . So again , we're going to get off track because I need to talk about this .

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco 7:27

I am very confident in real life situations when it comes to social media . I am not confident about like I overanalyze the shape of my again , my eyes , for some reason . A lot of times I would look at my eyes and I'm like that's not what it looks like . Or I would look at my lips and like my smile . If I can look at my smile and know that that is not my happy smile , it messes with me , because then I'm like wait , what was I feeling that day ? It looks post , yes , it looks post , and I'm like wait , like what's going on .

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco 8:02

A lot of times what I do in order to not get quote unquote , party dysmorphia or not to endorse those thoughts is that I rely more on videos than in pictures , because in a video you're getting different angles , you're getting the micro , not micro , emotions , what is it called ? Micro expressions , and you're getting all of these things that I recognize when I look at myself in the mirror . Because when you look at yourself in the mirror , obviously you can scrunch up your nose , you can lean in , you can lean forward , but with a picture you're like getting one second , one moment . I don't know about you , my dear passengers , but I have struggled with body dysmorphia for years . Okay , I'm 28 years old today and I can tell you that the majority of my life , I have been dealing with body dysmorphia , as you guys just heard , and sometimes it gets easier , sometimes it doesn't get easier . I think that right now , where I am in my life , I'm very focused on getting better , okay , and that means , like you guys know , I went to my psychology psychiatrist program for a while and I graduated from it , so I'm very , very happy and excited about that . I am , finally , on meds , but meds don't cure you , okay . They just help you get stable enough for you to start making changes in your life that will help you become healthier , which is how , thanks to the meds , I was able to start , like , focusing more on , like school , the podcast work , also focusing on my health , like I've been working out a lot . I've actually lost 25 pounds already and you know we are just progressing but , like , my focus is no longer on my body , meaning my physical body . My focus is on my body and everything that is inside of it , like the essence of my body , my soul , my spirituality , my thinking , like every single thing , because the reality is , when you're dealing with body dysmorphia .

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco 10:09

A lot of times , you are able to help yourself get out of that like rabbit hole by arguing with yourself with facts , right ? So , for example , if I'm looking in the mirror and I see myself as bigger than I actually am , I'll be like Francis Mari Rivera Pacheco . Let's take a second and like let's look at each other . Okay , is this true , what you're seeing ? Is it true or are you projecting an image that you are afraid of ? Or are you projecting an image that used to be true ? Right ? And when you start questioning yourself and you know , arguing with yourself with facts , it kind of helps you become better at like realizing , oh my gosh , like wait , hold up . Like what am I worrying about ? Like there's nothing going on here . Or it might actually help you see areas that you still need to work on because you're struggling a lot with .

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco 11:11

And the other thing , right , because this episode is about body dysmorphia one of the other things that I have found out is you need to have grace with yourself . Okay , you need to have grace with yourself and with body dysmorphia . I think that a lot of times , at least for me , okay , whenever I see an image that I don't wanna see , I start talking down to myself Like I'll say things like you're such a piece of shit , which is not healthy at all . You're a pathetic , you're an idiot , you're ugly , you're la-la , you're not worth it , all this stuff . And it's like sometimes we gotta take a step back and think of how we would talk to our younger selves , or if it makes it easier , right , if you have a son or a daughter or a sibling that you're very close to , usually it works better when it's somebody younger . Just think about how you would talk to them when they're going through something like this . You know , and use that voice for yourself , because you deserve to have that grace . Why are we not allowed to talk to ourselves like with love and compassion and understanding ? Why do we have to like hammer on ourselves ? I don't know and I don't get it , but I know that I've been doing it for so many years and it's a learned behavior from like how I see other people talk about themselves .

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco 12:24

As a reminder , if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone and you don't know who to talk to , please , please , please , reach out to me through social media . I , like I mentioned earlier , I have Instagram , Facebook , Youtube and even my Email , right . And here's the thing a lot of times it's easier to talk to a stranger than it is to talk with a friend . I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk to friends . I'm just saying that in those moments when you feel like a burden or you feel like you don't wanna reach out to someone because whatever you wanna talk about feels like too much , just know that there's another outlet and I'm here for you . Okay , and I just don't want you to feel like you're alone , because you really are not . As always , I cannot wait to hear from you and see you again . Well , until the next step , dear passengers , safe travels , bye !