Have you ever wished for a second chance after making a mistake? What if embracing these second chances could lead to personal growth and healthier relationships? Join us as we share our own personal stories and explore the concept of second chances in various aspects of life.
Listen in as we discuss how different color codes react to granting second chances, with Reds setting hard boundaries and Blues requiring apologies. Learn how to respond to those who might not trust us again, and the power of forgiveness in moving forward. Don't miss this enlightening conversation about the importance of open dialogue and the life-changing impact of embracing second chances.
Exercise:
Am I willing to accept a second chance and navigate life differently?
Is there someone in my life that deserves a second chance?
Take the Personality and Character Profiles at TaylorHartman.com.
Send questions and comments to Taylor@TaylorHartman.com Or Cathy@TaylorHartman.com with “Podcast” in the subject line.
Have you ever wished for a second chance after making a mistake? What if embracing these second chances could lead to personal growth and healthier relationships? Join us as we share our own personal stories and explore the concept of second chances in various aspects of life.
Listen in as we discuss how different color codes react to granting second chances, with Reds setting hard boundaries and Blues requiring apologies. Learn how to respond to those who might not trust us again, and the power of forgiveness in moving forward. Don't miss this enlightening conversation about the importance of open dialogue and the life-changing impact of embracing second chances.
Exercise:
Am I willing to accept a second chance and navigate life differently?
Is there someone in my life that deserves a second chance?
Take the Personality and Character Profiles at TaylorHartman.com.
Send questions and comments to Taylor@TaylorHartman.com Or Cathy@TaylorHartman.com with “Podcast” in the subject line.
Hello listeners. this is Dr Taylor Hartman. with Very Best of Living I'm with my good friend and colleague, kat Larson. Hello Kat.
Cat Larsen:Hello, dr Taylor Hartman, how is your life Yes.
Taylor Hartman:My life is very full, actually Very, very full. Right, i'm doing a whole lot of stuff, working with a whole lot of different group and people and loving it. I'm actually enjoying it very much. I'm seeing some great movement of people and I'm also having some fun. Like, we're going to a Broadway play tonight It's here in Salt Lake City, which would be very fun Tina Turner.
Taylor Hartman:It was very fun because my, i know she's so great. So my wife is talking to my daughter in Hawaii and she's 18 and she's going to turn her to tomorrow night. She goes I think she died mom, and she goes. No, no, i don't mean the person, i mean the play. It's about her. She was worried that maybe we were getting old in dementia.
Cat Larsen:We didn't know what to do. Yeah, yeah, oh, my gosh. Oh, i'm excited about that. I like it very fulfilling.
Taylor Hartman:I'm, like most excited about our trip to Peru And my Spanish class that I'm taking Bezo.
Cat Larsen:Pero He's laying at my feet. That doesn't mean Paco. He said Pedro. That means dog, no.
Taylor Hartman:It's so funny to be, i don't know. There's times when I'm like I'm 74. Seriously, why am I learning Spanish? But on the other hand, it is so fun, like just trying to get the lingo and just the female and the male, which is different than an English. I don't know. I gotta say, cat, i'm really enjoying. And like if I'm behind on the homework I'm like, oh no, i have to stay home and I have to get this down So I can get it to the class next.
Cat Larsen:No, do you actually go to a class? Are you doing it online or what are you doing?
Taylor Hartman:It's online, it's an online class, yeah, and then we separate into little like one-on-one to practice And it's really interesting to see where different people, at different levels they are. Of course we're all beginning, but some are more beginning than others.
Cat Larsen:Are you pretty good with languages?
Taylor Hartman:I'm good with accent By nature. I have a natural feel for it. I'm very fortunate that way. We'll see how good I am in remembering the actual words as I age. But I'm pretty good with my accent by nature. It's funny. Whenever we would travel as a family, i would always speak in a Danish accent because it's the only language I knew. So my kids would go. They're not. We're in Italy. It does not work here.
Cat Larsen:Yeah, but I sound impressive, Just go with it. Yes, exactly.
Taylor Hartman:I have an accent, so I'm working on it. We'll see what happens after. Oh my gosh. Well, you just noticed when you're taught.
Cat Larsen:when you're a different country and you don't know, they don't know. you can always point There's always the Vanna White. I tell Parker, it's the Vanna White approach to the language You are right And people are helpful.
Taylor Hartman:When you're that way, when you're open to that, they're helpful.
Taylor Hartman:Yes, yes, they are You just got to be willing to make mistakes. And it's ironic you we bring this up, kat, because I want to talk today about second chances And I think, if we are not, it's funny about this. Why is it? people are born believing they should not make mistakes, and they make mistakes and then they treat themselves like they are undeterring because they shouldn't get a second chance. They should do it right. First time this young man was speaking about his dad and he said yeah, when I was growing up I remember falling and him yelling at me Why are you falling? And the damage that that dad did for years for this boy was he was never good enough, he never measured up because of things where normally you would fail before you would get better at it. That's what you do. He said the father would like you shouldn't fall. It should never happen.
Taylor Hartman:So today is about how you embrace second chances on both fronts. Number one if I make the mistake, how do I forgive myself, pick myself up and move on What I learned, and from the other person who the damage was done to because of my mistakes? So it's one thing if I choose to not finish school and I wish I had done that so I go back. Another thing if I have an affair and it affects my family, my spouse and how then they deal with second chances, and it's very telling about life when you understand how people accept or embrace second chances. You are a great example of that. You made the choice to marry someone. It was not the great fit that you'd hoped for And I think you would say he and you are both happier today with the change you made and who you now married to.
Cat Larsen:So what if?
Taylor Hartman:someone had held you hostage and said no, you made your bad lie in it. What about that? Or maybe someone did say it to you, i don't know. What do you think about that?
Cat Larsen:Well, the conversation that hit me the most was, you know, with the very best of intentions on my parents was like listen, you know, it's not much better than this anywhere. So you know, he's not. He's not, you know, beating you or an alcoholic or you know you guys go do fun things, you know so listen, just take the good stuff. Every relationship is like this and I'm like I don't know.
Taylor Hartman:I don't think so. You know what that's beautiful, that's very good, like they meant well by it.
Cat Larsen:Very well.
Taylor Hartman:Like you don't jump out because you're being spontaneous like right. They didn't know your heart, though. They didn't know what you were feeling or dying from, and so by saying things like minimizing it, he doesn't beat you, he's not an alcoholic. you have to then rethink.
Cat Larsen:Yes.
Taylor Hartman:Right, okay, okay. And the connection that you wanted, that you got with Paco was not going to happen in the one you were in.
Cat Larsen:No, I mean not because of who he was. You know how that happens sometimes, It just doesn't happen, right?
Taylor Hartman:No, well, and the beauty was I didn't see either one of you blaming it. No, i didn't know him as much, but you didn't blame. You simply said I want something different, right, and I, by the way, our listeners should understand I'm not saying to people who are on their 17th chance that they make sense Like that's kind of that's not healthy. I am saying that people have the right to have made a choice that was not in their best interest, as they've come to it later on. But the motive behind why they choose to make a second chance is even more telling than the fact they want a second chance. I think of a couple that I'm working with right now. He was abusive, he was insensitive, he was cheating, like lots of problems. They are now choosing to work it through. They're working it out the relationship. It's impressive, like on her part in my mind, totally didn't go there And I think she'll find it was a good choice And he should be grateful she actually gave a second chance, right.
Taylor Hartman:The question is, i say to him so what made you choose to be a different person? Why would she trust you now differently than what you could have before? And the good part for him in my mind was his ability to own. I was so twisted in my thinking how I was raised. What I believed was in his mind I did it. I'm not blaming anyone else. He was very defensive of the parents for a while And finally he could own. You know what I did? learn that habits And I actually thought I was right when I was very wrong. That humility opened up all sorts of doors to. I think I could trust the person you are now versus the person that you were believing you could be before. So look to see the motive.
Cat Larsen:Yeah, i love that because you know, i was just going to say that you've taught us that are coaches or trainers like a color has the secret sauce, the thing that makes them so like, oh my gosh, so good. So let's say you're red and your secret sauce is confidence, right, i mean?
Taylor Hartman:right.
Cat Larsen:And you see that in their confidence and they make decisions and they go blindly where no man has gone before you know. they just go and do, and then the other part is their superpower. So you talk about this secret sauce and then the superpower, and the superpower for a red, you say, is vulnerability.
Cat Larsen:And so but what you see with people it's like, yeah, they got this confidence and they just keep hitting the gong every time with confidence And you can only get to a certain point. And then that second chance, when that red can go to vulnerability, then you can go oh, this second chance will work. Now He's not just using his confidence, Now he's in vulnerability.
Taylor Hartman:It's so awesome the way that you share that, because the reality is that second chance brings a different kind of person.
Taylor Hartman:And many of those kinds of people, for example, will say to me I didn't have that first piece in my first go round. I was insensitive, I was arrogant, i was not vulnerable, and so you see a very different person the second time around with that attitude, right, and so it's so great when you point that out. Listeners, please consider, like, are you playing to all sides of your personality that are the ones that would make you a really, really successful red or a blue? Like, are you doing those things that would actually add a second element of who you are and who you've not been?
Cat Larsen:before Right.
Taylor Hartman:Like a blue who's never enough because they have these high expectations. How rich is it when the blue person says I get it, i was doing it to myself, that was not necessary, and they actually become humble, right? So I think I mean, like this guy I was talking to the other days, the yellow, he's not self-centered, like it's so interesting. He will talk about things. And I said to him you know, what impresses me is you don't make it about you. Yellows, by nature, are always about themselves, right, self-centered, and you don't. And he said you know, i've learned a long time ago that my life would not be what it is without my wife. I would not have the quality of life I have without her. So drawing attention to myself does not really solve the truth of why my life is so great. It's like, like you talked about the white, like the ability for them to have the courage to speak to issues, like they're a different person when they have that Versus just the kind that they offer.
Taylor Hartman:So I think it's really good for us to think about. Do I allow people to have second chances? and, probably even more important, am I willing to take a second chance? Am I willing to negotiate life differently than I have in the past? Can I do it differently and better for a second chance?
Cat Larsen:And you said something about, you know, 17th time is gets a little ridiculous. It's like talk a little bit about your rule of thumb, about, like you know, second chances. Is that really just one, two? Or when you talk about second chances, what does that mean to you? Good, Yeah, you know what.
Taylor Hartman:I'm looking for is congruence, Like if they're doing the same behavior as the same mindset they had before, they can do second, third, fourth, fifth chances is not gonna change, Like you're gonna have the same outcome. But if I really feel or hear there's a shift in the congruence, Like now they're saying I know why I did what I did, Here's what I'm doing differently now, Then I give hope to that. So if you're right, it's not like just doing and redoing and redoing, It's like what's shifted in the difference right. Like, for example, when a man and a woman are together and the man is very responsible, gets things done, pays the bills, but rarely takes her hand, Rarely will look at her and just say I'm so grateful I have you as a spouse.
Taylor Hartman:And he says you know, what I've realized is I just defa-granted? Like I thought I was doing all that by doing paying the bills, showing off and taking care of business. And he said I realized that I have cheated her. That's very different than the man that says well, you know, she should appreciate what I do. Like if she appreciated that it wouldn't be so bad.
Taylor Hartman:Like that person is gonna keep doing the same mistake, right? So I have a lot more hope for the second one who says no. I really realized that those are really great things. I'm glad I do them, but I was missing her on another level and I want that as part of my future.
Cat Larsen:So So good. So that second chance piece, what has to be present in me, like, what kind of things get in the way of people giving second chances? Do you see what the colors Like, what might it sound like? Because we can really, kind of, you know, spin a well, i have a right to feel this way, you know what Right. So what kind of things in color language do you think? stop, like a red, a blue, a white or a yellow, from giving somebody a second chance? Does that make sense?
Taylor Hartman:Yeah, i think for a red, for example, it's like no, you made me look bad. Like no, i've already paid the dues by what you put me through. I'm not going through it again. They have very hard boundaries, like they're like no, i've given you the one off, that's done, we're moving on. And they're also not very sensitive to others that make mistakes when they don't think they do. So that's a red problem.
Taylor Hartman:A blue problem would be like I want to own you because you hurt me so deeply. I want a pound of flesh. I want you to show me and grovel as to how badly you've treated me, so that I can then trust that you won't do that again. So they're looking for an endless kind of apologies. I think that the yellow, their problem is they just they leave, like they don't give you a second chance because they're not there. They actually took themselves out of the relationship and moved away. Or they commit to other activities in their life, things that will give them energy, positives, and they'll just let you kind of wither on the side. They won't give you the opportunity to be part of their life. They may not leave you. They may leave you, but they probably won't engage you or nurture you back into their life. In the same way, and yellows also have the problem of not wanting to be hurt, but they don't wanna own that. They're hurt. So they pretend as though I'm being good by just not bringing it up, but the reality is they're not letting you back in.
Taylor Hartman:The white personality, their silent stubbornness, is deadly. They have to speak to the issue. They have to actually say what they experienced, which is so hard for them because they don't say what they experienced. They can't let it go, they're still looking for it. But if they can actually speak to the issue, that's a critical element of giving a second chance to someone. It's funny how they can just turn you off And they'll be there, but they're not there emotionally, they're just there physically. So for them to actually speak to what happened, what they felt, is vital to getting over and giving a second chance in a relationship.
Cat Larsen:Yeah, i hear that Those are really clear, like when you see people doing them and you're experiencing it from somebody.
Taylor Hartman:Yeah, that's exactly right.
Cat Larsen:You know, because I think I've told you that like as a yellow I've been, you know, i mean in my early life was just, you know, just not showing up, i mean literally and figuratively not showing up, and there's some people that will never trust me again.
Taylor Hartman:And I just have to accept it. I just have to accept that.
Cat Larsen:No matter what I do now, it's like it won't matter, it won't happen.
Taylor Hartman:And what's not bad about that is it really is out of your hands. You can't make that happen. But, ironically, let's say I'm one of those people that you know you're wrong or whatever else. I was not wrong that you treated me badly, you were, but now that I'm not willing to give you a second chance, i'm wrong and you're not. And people go crazy when I tell them that They're like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. She put that on me. I didn't create the problem And I'm like doesn't matter, it happened and now it's on you.
Taylor Hartman:So what are you going to do? Or I'll hit the person in my office. I'll say OK, now, i hit you So you didn't ask for it, You were wrong. You did nothing wrong. You came to get help. Now tell me what you're going to do about that. Well, i don't trust you at all. Ok, well, tell me, that's fine. Is that the end of it? We're done working together now? Well, no, i'm going to work with you, but I don't know why it's OK for you to hit me. I said it's not OK for me to hit you, but it's not OK for you not to discuss how that made you feel and what you want to do about that, how you want to set up new boundaries going forward and what you expect. You have to re-engage me Why I didn't do anything wrong in the first place, because you're letting me own you. Then The bottom line is you didn't do anything wrong, but now that you're letting me own you, you are doing it all wrong And I'm free because I'm trying to get better.
Cat Larsen:I always have like light bulb moments. So is that a piece? So I've done something to somebody in my life. I didn't show up when I was the flake And the fact that if I reach out and they still keep arms length, no, I'm not going to trust you again. Is that a armor? When you talk about armoring, are they armoring up on that?
Taylor Hartman:Yeah, well done. The reality is, i've always said to my clients the healthier you are, the less armor you need, because your armor comes from within, and the less secure you are, the less strong you are. The armor up. You're always setting up obstacles for people to get close to you Because you can't handle it. You're too afraid.
Taylor Hartman:Instead of toxic parents, there are certain people that I'm like, i'm not worried about you, like they won't create a mess in your life. You'll just naturally know what you can expect and what you can get and what you can't. Other people I literally tell them don't talk to them again. You can't navigate life with that. You're just not strong enough. You've not done that work yet. So you can imagine.
Taylor Hartman:The same problem comes to me. I give totally different feedback based on the quality and character of the person I'm giving it to. So this whole thing where people have gotten so into setting boundaries Like boundaries are everything anymore, i'm like, yeah, but you're making such a big deal about it, like you should just know what they are and move forward. But if you have to always kind of make that rigid point of just so you know, here's what I'm going to do when I come there I'm like that's about you, i'm just telling me, as I'm too weak to believe I can manage myself, so I'm setting it out there as an armor to protect me.
Taylor Hartman:And what it does, of course, often is it creates more hostility between you and the other person because they're like you're being unreasonable, you're being so negative, and all the person's trying to say is I can't do it any other way. I have to be very clear about what I won't accept and what's not acceptable, because I'm too weak to believe I can hold the boundary legitimately. Our listeners should always be thinking about that dynamic when it shifts from the other person did them wrong to where they're doing themself wrong and the other person. We should always be thinking about that, which is a real good tie into the second chances concept.
Cat Larsen:So what color tends to give the most second chances?
Taylor Hartman:I think probably probably whites and yellows, i would think probably the most right. They're not as controlling, they're not as bothered by it. It's not, it's. We're not as invested perhaps as a red or blue. The standard isn't quite as high. I would think Something yellows and whites are probably more likely to allow. I've seen a lot of whites that have said, well, you know, what they really meant was not that They're very logical about it and kind about it, which I really admire in them. And then the yellows they're just not that invested. So it's. I mean, it didn't feel good, like if I have a friend. I remember this I had a great friend in college that he never showed up for stuff We were going to meet. I didn't care, i just went with someone else. It didn't matter to me at all And I didn't ever call him out on it because it didn't. It just didn't matter to me And I would other people say to me why is that okay with you? I don't know.
Cat Larsen:I'm having fun, whether he's or not.
Taylor Hartman:That's exactly my response And I can look at it from there. Now that I understand color code, i can look at it very easily and go well. No wonder they thought it was kind of weird that I would allow that because they were blues and reds. Yes, yes.
Cat Larsen:So blues and reds tend to what I love too. Is that a red I get? I mean they just go. No second chances. Boom on, it's clear. With the blue they're not really giving you a second chance. They're still there and they're reminding you the whole time that they're not giving you a second chance and why you don't, shouldn't deserve it.
Taylor Hartman:That's exactly right. They move onto that platform. Yes, and it's been very intense in some of my sessions with clients where they've been cheated on And I've literally said to them, after months of working through things, i want you to know that if you really can't let go of this, i'm going to recommend that he or she leave the marriage. I want you to know that if you will not stop holding him hostage, i think it's in his best interest not to go with you anymore And they can be indignant when that happens, like it happened to me. Don't you tell me.
Taylor Hartman:I said well, i don't know why you're in therapy If you think that's working and you can't forgive him. You're not really really connected like he used to be, nor do you want to be because you want a pound of flesh. I don't think that's in his best interest. He made a mistake, he was wrong. He wants to change, she wants to change. They're trying to be different than they were before And you keep reminding them that can never be. I said that to me is hormonal help for him or her to stay with you, and that's a tough bar for them to jump over, but it's true. So that's reality.
Cat Larsen:Just a quick sidebar on that. So why? why does anybody? because I think any color can do it. Why do they want to hold on to that? What does it, does that make them? is it ego? Is it self? Is it?
Taylor Hartman:ego. Yeah, i want to control you. You did this to me. I want to control you. You owe me. I'm going to play God. I'll decide when you've done penance, when it's good enough. It's really more of a protection thing. I'm protecting myself, is what they're saying. I don't need to trust you or be vulnerable, so I'm going to decide when I will shift that and allow you in. And it's very brutal.
Taylor Hartman:And you know the healthier you are, the sooner you can move on. The less healthy you are, the less able you are to move on. You hang on to things Let's let's know about, let's think about it, kat. I mean honestly, we're not meant to be perfect. We're not meant to know how to navigate everything perfectly So, and we typically hurt the ones we love the most minutes, right. So, learning to accept the need for second chances and or decide when second chances are inappropriate, they're not my best interest, right? I think it's a really cool gift of good mental health When you know that.
Cat Larsen:That's a good thing to think about, like, like, when was the last time you gave somebody a second chance? and who do you need to give a second chance to? I mean really because you can hold stuff and not tell people Right you can have absolutely right. so maybe they don't even know They need a second chance from you. but internally, how could your relationship grow if you did it, if you let it go?
Taylor Hartman:Yeah, and the truth is, it's sometimes confusing to the other person because, you're right, you're not telling them, but you are distant or detached, or yes, not the same and they question you and you're like no no, things are fine and no, they're not fine, right, so I love what you just said. it's you have to decide. are you gonna live a better life by letting it go or aren't you? are you gonna talk about it?
Taylor Hartman:I mean I always tell people it's not wrong. You have a dialogue about what happened and why it hurts. You have felt that's not wrong at all. It's important that if you are gonna do that, you do it instead of holding on to it. I had a situation recently where a man was in a marriage and he just did not want to Tell his wife that he was having an affair and he was, and so it came out. They were seen in the affair, person was seen, and now it's created much more angst and distrust and across the board for everyone, and so the one who is having the affair with has to decide. Am I gonna give you a second?
Taylor Hartman:chance here you already put me through the mud. Now I don't really feel good about how I was treated in this process And I think she will give me a second chance, but he probably has to really rethink about the damage he's done by not acting appropriately when you should have.
Cat Larsen:So so his wife or the person who was he was in an affair with?
Taylor Hartman:The person is having an affair with his wife didn't want to make an effort at all. She was no longer interested in the relationship she's gone okay well, no, she's not gone now. She wants him back to. So there you go. I mean there you go, there's the world turns.
Taylor Hartman:That is as the world turns. I hope our listeners are thinking about this second chances. What do they feel like, what do they look like and how will they enhance or limit the quality of your life by offering them? On the other hand, maybe it's time for you to consider a second chance for yourself. Maybe it's okay for you to consider, you know what? I still a lot of life in me. I'd like to try this different than I have in the past. Thank you, cat, as always, always great listeners. We love you. Thanks for being with us. Good luck you. Second chance in life. We'll talk next week by now bye, bye.