Creating Stronger Bonds by Embracing Self-Improvement

What if we told you that something as simple as making lunch for your partner can strengthen your relationship? Join me and my good friend Cat Larson as we explore the beauty of marriage and the heartbreak that comes with a long-term commitment, while emphasizing the importance of self-improvement and embracing virtue. Get ready to discover how constant learning and growing can make a massive difference in your life and relationships.

We take a deep look at the power of habits and their impact on our lives, and share some insights on how to develop positive habits like truly listening to others. Learn about the Hartman Personality Profile – a powerful tool that helps you better understand your own motives and develop self-awareness.

Take this unique opportunity to not only improve your relationships but also your personal growth. So, grab your headphones and let's dive into this insightful conversation with Cat Larson!

Exercise:

Pick an area of your life that you’d like to improve in. Choose one habit you’d like to work on this week. Be specific in choosing when and how you will incorporate it. At the end of the week, reflect on how the habit impacted you.  

 Do you ever say, “that’s just the way I am”? This may be a clue that it’s a habit that needs to be examined.

Take the Personality and Character Profiles at TaylorHartman.com.

Send questions and comments to Taylor@TaylorHartman.com Or Cathy@TaylorHartman.com with “Podcast” in the subject line.

Transcript

Taylor Hartman: 0:13

Hello listeners. this is Dr Taylor Hartman with Very Best of Living. My good friend Kat Larson is with us. Hi, kat.

Cathy Larsen: 0:20

I am your good friend, am I your best friend? You better say I'm your best friend.

Taylor Hartman: 0:23

No, you're not my best friend, you are my second best friend.

Cathy Larsen: 0:26

All right, fine, i'll take it. I will take that.

Taylor Hartman: 0:30

Well, my wife, she wins. I'm sorry, but you're right up there. You're right, You're right up there. Isn't that good though.

Cathy Larsen: 0:35

Isn't that great that your cutie wife is your best friend. I love it.

Taylor Hartman: 0:39

Well, it's something when you realize how fortunate you are to have picked well many, many years ago and traveled life with them. And you know, it's funny when I see people get married. I'm so excited for them because I think it's great they made a commitment to each other, but I'm always thinking, hmm, i wonder what 50 years will look like, because that really is when it plays out, like at the end of the day, when you've really been down this path right And gotten up again, nurtured each other, loved each other, supported each other for all that long. That's why I was talking to some friends recently about a person who had died shortly after their spouse because of heartbreak. I think there's so much more truth to that than people that are young, real life, that truly you can love someone so much that you almost don't want to live anymore without them when you've been together for so long.

Taylor Hartman: 1:27

And I think of these friends of mine that have lost one spouse or another. I think of a man that had lost his wonderful wife and a woman who lost her husband. And you know, it's a very different world. We all go on but they wake up the next day alone, yes, and try and navigate that life and missing that person they spent time with. So it's again one of those statements. It's like when you raise, break kids, it's hard to say goodbye because you love having them around, but that's the consequence of being an effective parent.

Cathy Larsen: 1:57

Yes.

Taylor Hartman: 1:57

And it's the same with a good marriage. The consequence is you may be alone after you've had such a great connection, but you wouldn't pass on it to the world right So powerful. I want to talk about improvement. If you're not really improving in your life, I'm not really sure what your life looks like. I don't think you can be status quo. You are going to go backwards. if you do that, Life moves ahead. I think of a company I'm working with. There's a man who just didn't choose to stay current and others came along and surpassed him and he could never own what his role was in falling behind, which was he was given great opportunity. He just chose not to embrace it. So others came along and they kept improving and growing and they got the opportunities that he would have liked, but he didn't stay current. Does that make sense? Yes.

Taylor Hartman: 2:52

That's what self-improvement is all about. It's like really thinking about what am I doing to be better today than yesterday, and in what area. That's the other thing I think about being around certain people. I recently was told by a friend you'd love this book, you really want to read it. It's about a family did South American adventure and he knows we're going to Peru And so, sure enough, the next day, in a brand new bag, he has a brand new book that he purchased for me to read. That's the kind of thing that just motivates you to want to be the same kind of person.

Cathy Larsen: 3:26

Yes.

Taylor Hartman: 3:28

Like to give back right.

Cathy Larsen: 3:29

Yes.

Taylor Hartman: 3:30

And to think of other people and be better. That's what it does. So I think we need to talk a little bit about what it means to be better.

Taylor Hartman: 3:38

I was reading this, this ancient Chinese text which has been translated, and There's a thing called Zunzi, zunzi, so X, you and Zi, and in it it states It defines the gentleman or gentle woman as the one who constantly grows in virtue according to the natural law that everyone. So the opening line says the gentleman says learning must never stop. The gentleman is one who learns broadly and examines himself thrice daily, and then his knowledge is clear and his contact is without fault. So what I loved about this cat was that the reality is that we are just at a graduation time. Say, so many people are graduating right and And so many of them are like so done learning, i don't want to learn anymore. I got my, my certificate, my degree, i'm on. They did not learn the essence of what education is about, which is to constantly be improving and learning and growing, and I think that's what's sad is that this concept that Zunzi Promotes is that you are constantly learning, you must never stop, and it's the goal is to become more virtuous. Isn't that interesting, like learning to be a healthier, higher ground, morally, genuine, sincere That kind of stuff goes with yourself. Improvement. Now, what happens if, along the way, you think you're more improving, but you're just becoming more self-righteous, like you're becoming more judgmental of those who aren't doing the same thing you're doing, yeah, so you're making the effort to get better and they're not, and then you define them as less than and You are in oval over them. Then you miss the magic of what you're trying to learn, which is the virtue. That's what you're missing, right? So it's kind of interesting when I think about it. So how are we teaching people to constantly improve? and, by the way, cat, i'm not convinced mental health experts do a very good job of this.

Taylor Hartman: 5:46

A lot of self-help, to my mind, is. It's so self-serving, it's trite, you know, it's endlessly indulgent, drives me insane, very superficial, not real depth. That's not what I'm talking about here, mm-hmm. No, not the pop culture. I don't want people to think that I'm talking about something superficial that looks good but isn't long enduring. Mm-hmm, i want something genuinely last for time. What are those principles and truths that I can embrace and grow with? I was listening to this thing. There was eight habits of the Japanese people and.

Taylor Hartman: 6:22

The first one was clean the toilet every day. I'm like what? and I read about it and listen more and more they were saying and they said it helps you stay humble and It also helps you focus on detail, be more detail oriented And, honestly, cat, i was rather impressed and I cleaned the toilet the next day. I did Because I was thinking I just an interesting habit for me to look at and I was thinking about that just in terms of habits I've embraced or haven't yeah.

Taylor Hartman: 6:50

What is it that makes us choose certain habits and keep them and others we try once and twice and let them go. What do you think about that?

Cathy Larsen: 6:59

What makes something a habit?

Taylor Hartman: 7:03

Why do we pick it as well?

Cathy Larsen: 7:05

Well, i think it must speak to something about. You know, maybe, what you need around, a purpose around. You know, like the like, what you're talking about. If you really pay attention to Well, like, what are, what are some of your habits? Tell me what a habit you have now other than cleaning the toilet.

Taylor Hartman: 7:20

Now, Yeah, what are your? I work at every morning right. I say my prayers every night. That's a habit, and morning to have it, i I fill the car with gas when it's that half.

Cathy Larsen: 7:35

Interesting why?

Taylor Hartman: 7:37

Because my wife ran out one time when we were dating and in those days two dollars filled up a tank. Pretty much.

Taylor Hartman: 7:43

Yeah and she ran out and I said this will be the last time I ever pick you up Because you ran out of gas. That won't happen again and it never has, ever since then I There's certain things I look at and think in life You could prevent that, and getting gas in your car Is one of them, because now I have a Tesla, but But and it's funny We still have a Lexus and that takes gas. Yeah, and even to this day We've been married almost 50 years. Right Gosh, my wife will ask me if I would put gas in the car. She just hates to do it, just hates it. And I kind of like it actually, because this feels like good day, get it all, take care of and done. But that's a habit of mine. It's a habit.

Cathy Larsen: 8:22

I love talking about habits because, as I think about habits, like I'm, like I don't have any habits, i do. I have a lot of them. Now that you're talking about it, right? Hmm?

Taylor Hartman: 8:31

you do, i do, we all do right. Yeah what's some of yours?

Cathy Larsen: 8:36

I do. I work out every day, i move every day, so it's somehow. I either walk, go to the gym or do something you mean, but it'd be still finds you.

Taylor Hartman: 8:42

You move to another house today, poco find you.

Cathy Larsen: 8:45

I mean, i can't shake the guy. He's a bloodhound, i'm telling you Thank God.

Taylor Hartman: 8:51

Yes, exactly.

Cathy Larsen: 8:52

I fix. This is so weird for me because it's like nothing I would ever think about me.

Taylor Hartman: 8:58

No, what tell me?

Cathy Larsen: 8:59

I Make my husband's lunch every day. Oh my gosh, that's so sweet and I put a little note in. I put like a little I stupid stuff, like you know, like just yeah, i love you, like I love you and. Kathy and Poco, with a little heart around it, and you know stupid things.

Taylor Hartman: 9:13

But yes, but I love that habit. Why do you say stupid?

Cathy Larsen: 9:16

not stupid, but just like little things that are, you know, and he has. He took a picture. So you're talking about impact. So he took a picture of his filing cabinet up at work because he works, he drives about 45 minutes every day And he has them all stuck on the side of his Filing cabinets?

Taylor Hartman: 9:33

Absolutely, are you kidding? That's so endearing It is and, by the way, it's so cool. You do that because I hear people say, for example, don't make the sandwich for them, make them stand on their own. They miss the magic of what you're creating by taking the time to do that.

Cathy Larsen: 9:49

Yes.

Taylor Hartman: 9:50

Yeah, so sweet. I and what that's another good, but that's another good insight, like that's a habit you do without even thinking It's just part of what you, who you are, yep, but it wasn't always that way.

Cathy Larsen: 10:01

No.

Taylor Hartman: 10:02

So something started that wonderful opportunity and you took it.

Cathy Larsen: 10:05

Well, i took it from him because he does, like he's a great taker care of like what it what? I kind of just went to that thing, i think. I think we were doing something in a workshop or heard it from you or sure something, and it was like You know what people do for you, they want you to do for them and I never thought about life that way, like, like, and he's always doing something for me, like you know that kind of thing, i mean yes so so I thought, oh, i should.

Cathy Larsen: 10:30

This was like gosh, this started a long time ago And I was like, oh, maybe I should make him and I started doing it and it's just, and he's always thankful, he doesn't expect it either, which is kind of a cool thing huge, huge actually. Yeah.

Taylor Hartman: 10:45

Although you do it anyway because you know he appreciates it. Yeah, it's the right thing to do. I do think it's very cool, and some to reward you for good behavior I do. That's very cool, yes, but but I do. I think I want our listeners to think about habits. They have the guy, one client.

Taylor Hartman: 11:01

He lies, that's his habit. He lies, oh And, and it's a horrible habit that is so destructive in terms of trust, but that's what he does. So to break the habit is it's so hard to do, good or bad. So a good habits hard to break, a bad habits hard to break, right either way. And typically you have to replace it with something Else. If it's a bad habit, you have to put something else in this place that you focus on Which will help you break that and make a new habit out of something positive, right. And if it's a good habit that you break, it's actually you have to rethink what did I gain by doing that? What was the benefit by why did? why am I glad that I did it? one point anyone that ever works out or stays in shape and stops, they remember how good they felt when they did it, so that entices them to go back to moving again at that point because you had a good experience with it. I suppose it's different if you have a habit, and it's never pleasant.

Cathy Larsen: 11:59

But you do it.

Taylor Hartman: 12:00

You know, I would imagine for some people like waking up early every morning If that's not, they're not morning people that could be a Chromatic kind of thing to have to do. But I also know people in the military that never woke up early, that wake up every morning. I have it of making your bed Mm-hmm, that can be another one, right. Mm-hmm.

Taylor Hartman: 12:20

I just think it's such a cool thing. It's a standing joke in our family my wife. So every time she gets in the car she calls somebody. She just Just it's a habit. She just gets in the car, she calls, so you know she's going somewhere when she calls you.

Taylor Hartman: 12:34

But I think that different habits can define us at some point. At some point They create the quality of our life and I would hope we're thinking about what are some good, healthy habits I could put into my life that would make me feel better about myself, like responding to a text, instead of being a sit ignoring that kind of thing. I think there's lots of good things we could do physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, financially that would help us get better at The improving in our life. I think it's important for you to start by thinking what area do I want to put some energy into Over the next three months? What I want to get better at in what area? Let's take one, for example. Let's take emotional.

Taylor Hartman: 13:23

So let's say what you want to start getting better at is listening. What are some things you could do to change the habit? One of them is don't comment for at least one minute. When you're ready to say something. Sit for a minute, observe whites. They never make it about themselves in a conversation. They truly want to hear what you have to say and they listen. So if you want to embrace the habit of listening, watch those who do it well, like a mentor, and then find a coach who can remind you Don't talk, just pay attention for a minute. Learn what it's like not to log in and always have a comment. Just learn what that's like for a while. And For those of us that have done that, i mean I remember when that became kind of a way of life for me, i Was stunned at how difficult it was, cat.

Taylor Hartman: 14:18

It was so unusual for me and people didn't make it easy because they expected me to respond. That's what I do, and so when I didn't respond, i just just watched, i just listened and thought about what they were saying For a minute it actually became much more inviting for me. I liked it. I saw, i experienced the conversation differently. I saw things They couldn't see before. So I don't want our listeners think it's an easy thing to do, but it's very, very powerful when you actually embrace a positive habit that they all I've said you want to live.

Cathy Larsen: 14:51

Can you? I mean, is it, is it fair to ask other people like? No, this is healthy like what do you think I should embrace in my life? What could I work on that would make me a better wife? friend Ba-ba-ba, would that? would that help people when they're trying to Figure stuff like this? I?

Taylor Hartman: 15:07

think it's a great suggestion, absolutely Okay. I mean, you almost killed two birds with one stone, like not only do you improve, but the relationship improves, right, because you care enough to ask somebody what would help them. It's interesting to me this comment about Zunzi says they examine themselves three times daily. So you're checking motives. What you're doing like three times a day You're thinking about was I, was I good about doing what I did? was I not good about that? No, should I work on my emotive, on this area being cleaner, that kind of stuff. If you're checking it three times a day, it does give you a chance to kind of get a sense of how am I doing. And then why not ask somebody you care about, like what would mean something to you if I did that? What frustrates me is to have people try very hard to please espouse, but they're doing the wrong things. Yeah, this process even want those. Yeah, so, and then they're frustrated because, like, i made such an effort, it's past, like doesn't matter to me. I'm sorry, but that stuff's irrelevant to me.

Cathy Larsen: 16:05

I As we're chatting about this, it kind of draws me to your work in terms of there's a pretty good roadmap in taking the color code profile. I mean, I think that's a pretty good roadmap in things you're talking about, like if I wanted to make a habit of listening. maybe I don't know, maybe I'm not on the map anywhere with things. So what the profile does is it says here's your strengths, here's your limitations. Boy, i've got this impatient thing right. Yes, yes, i'm just wondering if people need a roadmap. I think that's a good way to go.

Taylor Hartman: 16:39

I don't know why anybody wouldn't take the Hartman personality profile. I don't know why. I can't. I mean you get so much out of it. It's such a great roadmap about who you are and where you're going.

Taylor Hartman: 16:50

People often say to me why do I have to always answer questions like I am in my youth, laying under the collection Again, just so our listeners remember? you are born with your personality. It comes in your soul, it is uniquely yours and it comes before birth. So once you arrive, you've got a personality. Now life does impact it, for sure, like I talked on Hartman personality Instagram account recently about narcissism And I said it's not. The people are born narcissists at birth and then environment impacts those tendencies negatively or positively.

Taylor Hartman: 17:29

The reality is that you have traits about you that are yours from the beginning and limitations, so it's a great roadmap to understand. Oh, this is who I am. I've had many people over the years try and shorten it, make it less like you're cheating yourself. Why would you not want to have the whole picture of who you are? And then I always say to people if you want to know how you're doing today, take the Hartman character profile Right. You answer those questions as though you are today, not as a child, and then you match them. What have I done to bring other gifts to my life I wasn't born with And sadly, are there limitations I've actually picked up from childhood, or friends or spouses or children that are negative and impacting my life in a limiting way. But you should want to know that kind of stuff. You're right, it's like going on a journey and not having a roadmap. Why would you not want to know, right, right, and, by the way, when I work with people in CAT having personality profile.

Taylor Hartman: 18:24

It saves a lot of time Now. It saves months literally, because you don't bark up the wrong tree, You're barking up the tree that really matters to them and explains them themselves, And you work on those issues, not just anyone's issues. It's very important, Very, very important.

Cathy Larsen: 18:40

Yeah, i mean, i guess just it's been in my life for so long that it is just that thing, that that reminder. you know, like you have to have a reminder, and I do think it's. I hear this quite a bit, i mean probably from you know, some of people in my life that are pretty close to me. It's like, well, that's just the way I am. And as you're talking, i'm realizing that I always felt like that, that yep, that's the way they are, you know, and not encroach on that. But we're talking about habits and self-awareness and how to put this all together. It's just some really critical pieces to go. If the thing is, well, that's the way I am, that to me might be the first thing to go. oh, i need some more input.

Taylor Hartman: 19:20

Right Well said Why would you set with that and allow that to be the end, Like that's the way I am period, That's the way I am comma.

Cathy Larsen: 19:29

Right comma, That's so good.

Taylor Hartman: 19:32

It'd be so much more powerful. But I and we have to address this. Like I forget so often, people are afraid.

Cathy Larsen: 19:40

Yes.

Taylor Hartman: 19:40

It's so interesting how people don't want to see who they really are Right Now. Whether you want to see it or not, the world is seeing you that way. So you're not gaining any ground by being ignorant about who you are Correct And I hear that way, so don't think that's your answer, but the reality is I do know, kat, many people I work with are afraid to actually see themselves for who they are. And then once you digest it that's how I am It frees you to understand how you impact other people. Like once you understand oh, that's really that. That makes more sense to me why I was difficult for this person Or why this person was so easy for me, or why I struggle in this class, but I do well in that class. It's so helpful to understand the essence of why you are the way you are and how you impact others because of that.

Taylor Hartman: 20:27

And where do you want to go with this Now? what do you want to add to who you are? And remember the foundation is always you must value your color you're born with. Please don't dismiss your color and try and become another color to make yourself better and happier. Always stick with your color at the core and then add gifts of other colors, things they do well, that you want in your life. For example, i picked up being assertive when I was a young man. I'm grateful for it. It's a red gift, it's not a yellow gift, but I don't want to give up being yellow to have the gift of assertion. I just want the gift of assertion because it pays well in life to be able to speak for yourself, right? But you're not going to give up being yellow to do that. You're just adding the gift to your yellow core.

Cathy Larsen: 21:19

Well, and anyone who hasn't, get on our website, taylorhartmancom and just go to, you'll see it says take a profile right on there. I mean it's so worth it to get the profile And easy. And, as we're talking about this, if you ever, if you're listening to something and you know how you listen to podcasts or you read a book or you do something and you go, okay, i'm going to do that, and then about a week later you're like what was that?

Taylor Hartman: 21:46

What was I going to do? What?

Cathy Larsen: 21:46

was I going to do And you lose grasp of it When? this is in front of you. I mean it's you First of all. it's interesting because it's about you, yeah of course that's, true.

Cathy Larsen: 21:55

Right. And then it gets really personal because it's like oh yeah, i do do that, it's not. You can't brush it under the rug. You take the profile, it's your information. It's not like speaking to the masses, it's speaking to you as an individual And so you're not trying to fit yourself in a box, you're the whole box. I mean it's you, so I just think it's. It's probably critical in my mind. It's very freeing.

Taylor Hartman: 22:19

Well, i agree, it's critical. I've always said, for example, i can't imagine why people are dating someone and not know who they are. I get the. I mean, you can love anyone and you can be married to anyone successfully, of course, but wouldn't it be nice to have an idea of the roadmap you're going to take if you marry this person? I mean the pluses and the minuses. It seems like a much more savvy investment and commitment when you have an idea of what you're finding, as opposed to being surprised when you get married Like I didn't realize that was who you were. Well, all you had to do is find out their personality and you would have understood that about them good or bad, right. So I do hope our listeners are getting in touch with themselves and being true to who they are at their very core, because, at the end of the day, that's that's the essence of the journey you're on is to carry you through life in the best possible way.

Taylor Hartman: 23:09

We talked about self-improvement, some habits. I'm just thinking of picking an area in your life that you want to focus on. Pick one habit you'd like to maybe work on just this week. What's something I'm going to do? I'm going to smile at everybody. I see I'm going to offer to show kindness to somebody differently. I'm going to speak my mind. In a relationship I've never spoken upon Any number of things you could pick as a habit, very specific that you're going to do it, when you're going to do it and how you're going to do it, and then reflect on it throughout the day. Did I do it, am I doing it? And then see how you feel at the end of the week. I'm actually embracing a new habit, a new opportunity. All right, we're done for this week. Okay, Thanks.

Taylor Hartman: 23:56

Kat, always a pleasure. Love you Listeners. We love you as well, and thanks for being with us. We'll be back with you next week. We're very best of living Bye for now.