Forging Stronger Bonds through Undivided Attention

Ever stopped to appreciate the nuggets of wisdom hidden within your daily life experiences? Join us, Dr. Taylor Hartman and Cat Larsen, as we unlock the beauty of embracing these gems and their profound impact on personal evolution. Let's take a journey into forging lasting relationships, emphasizing the significance of undivided attention and meaningful time spent together. We'll also explore the absolute necessity of disconnecting from our digital distractions to truly connect with each other and life's authentic moments.

In the second part of our enlightening conversation, we delve into the realm of self-love and how it intricately links to our ability to love others. Discover the liberation found in forgiveness, the freedom of loving without expectations, and the paradox that as we become more loving, we invite greater challenges yet simultaneously, develop superior skills to handle them. We'll share some thought-provoking insights on the true essence of giving – not just materially but emotionally – and how these acts of love are more about enriching others' lives than our own. Get ready to be inspired as we uncover the power of love in personal growth and the blessings lying within life's lessons.

Questions for Reflection:
-          Do you set aside time for the people you love the most?

-          What are you doing to enrich the lives of those around you? What are you doing to show them love?

-          Why am I so unwilling to embrace loving others without judgement when it will only enhance my life?

-          To whom am I offering forgiveness instead of trying to punish?

Take the Personality and Character Profiles at TaylorHartman.com.

Send questions and comments to Taylor@TaylorHartman.com Or Cathy@TaylorHartman.com with “Podcast” in the subject line.

Transcript

Taylor Hartman: 0:13

Hello listeners. This is Dr Taylor Hartman. very best of living. I'm with my colleague, kat Larson. Hello Kat.

Cathy Larsen: 0:20

Colleague, so define colleague for me.

Taylor Hartman: 0:23

We work together and we are friends, but we also have a working capacity, which is what you would call the podcast. And you love me And I do love you absolutely, and I'm very happy to be along this journey with you Me too So it is kind of fun to have that connection for sure It is.

Cathy Larsen: 0:41

It is Not everybody has that. It's messing with you, thank you.

Taylor Hartman: 0:44

Very fun. So I'm going to be doing this training soon And I was talking to the president about well, so tell me, like, what are some of your thoughts on what we should focus on? And he made a comment that I really liked. He said I have really been working on being more aware and finding value in different kinds of personal growth opportunities recently. What he said that I really liked is I've decided that what's important is, whenever I have an opportunity, i look for what is the nugget Like, what is the thing, the gem that I can take from this, whatever it might be, this interaction with somebody, this song. I'm listening to this podcast, i'm hearing what's the nugget I can get from that, and it's really what I liked about that is I have a guy I just had a session with who is so genuine And when we finished he sent me this list of probably 10 points that he wanted to make sure that's what the essence of the nugget was that our session was about, so he could follow through on it later in life. Such a great move Like. You know what's the nugget, you know what am I looking for? that's important.

Taylor Hartman: 1:54

And when I was younger, i starred in the play South Pacific and I was in Mildebec And the guy there's a line in there for the one of the other leads that said you know what I like in life? I like projects. I like projects And it made me think about life and projects Like what are we committed to learning? What's a project we are committed to learning about? Now we talked last week about listening. That became one of my projects. Like, literally, how do you learn to listen effectively And how do you listen So it resonates with other people that you are in fact listening? How do you do that? It's a skill right And it became a project. It was a gem for me and a nugget in my life. They actually paid big dividends And I want our listeners to think about.

Taylor Hartman: 2:44

So what's the nugget of each of our podcasts? What's the nugget in a relationship you have? right now I have a couple who are going through divorce. It's unbelievable how damaging the woman is in this process and how gracious the man is Like. She is destroying children at their expense because of her inability to own her part in the divorce. She cannot see that And therefore she is damaging them by wanting to hate the father and not feel trust in life. She doesn't see any nugget for her growth at this point And I think that's kind of important for our listeners to think about. Am I missing the nugget of what I could learn in the relationships of my life? I just went and saw a lame as a rob with my wife. It was a great production, probably my favorite Broadway play.

Taylor Hartman: 3:42

That was just so mesmerizing the heart. And in there there's a line that says when you love another person, you will see the face of God. So when you love another person, you will see the face of God. Well, that was very powerful when I was thinking about that. He is really loving somebody else, what it means, like to really connect with God, like does. And I've often thought how is it he loves this person? Because when I'm struggling with somebody I realize he isn't. So what is it he sees that frees him to value and love them.

Taylor Hartman: 4:23

And there's a quote one time that was said if you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. And I think that's a very telling concept, like, if you really want a relationship to last forever, then you treat it differently, you polish it, you pay attention to it, you don't expose it to the elements, you know you protect it. And there's a couple that I have that are struggling right now in the relationship And she was saying you know, the problem we have, taylor, is we didn't pay attention to each other. We paid attention to finances, work, our children and our own needs ourselves, but not each other. And if I could redo it again, i think that's what I would focus on is always spending one day a week, no matter what's going on, just being together. And it's funny, kat, i've noticed this with clients I work with. When I say to them I just need a half an hour, go for a walk every night for half an hour, sit outside and on the table and just talk, do you set aside time for the person that you claim you love the most? And if you do that, does it actually enrich your relationship? Do they perceive that as loving? And that's what I'm looking for more and more of us to do. In today's world, the phone is a nightmare. It's got to go away, like literally, you have got to go on a walk without the phone. You can't have that natural nature reaction of when it dings, you look at it, and I think that kind of thing is what we're talking about. We say when you really love another person, you love them in a form that they can feel the love right, and that's the essence of learning how to live life fully.

Taylor Hartman: 6:16

I talked to my aunt she's 97 years old and I said oh, i want. I hope your genes are somewhere with me. I hope that's true because she is healthy as an ox, she's happy, she's so adorable. Her father was a minister and she a Protestant minister back in the East Coast. And she said well, i just tried to do what I think God wants me to do in my life. I hope I've done that. And I said, well, you certainly had long enough to do it, that's for sure. I'm not a little slow, but I do hope that's what I've done. And she goes I have brought to the floor, i'm on, i have brought Bible study. And so I said, oh my gosh, he must be so proud of you for having brought that to these people where you sit and enjoy that gift that she brought. And I was thinking what a loving act. Here's a person who is 97 and takes the time to enrich and enhance the lives of others, that she's on a floor with, that she's been put in this home with I just I think that's something that.

Taylor Hartman: 7:18

What are you doing to enrich the lives of others around you? What are you doing to show them love, and how are you doing that? And all of that, by the way, you'll notice, is not about you. That's the other part. If you're really doing your work at loving others, you really are not focusing on you at all. You're focusing on how do you make others' lives better, and that doesn't matter what age you are. I think these young black men who did this thing about cutting lawns for senior citizens what a great gift they're offering to the world. They're actually out understanding and taking care of other people's needs. So I'd like our listeners to think what am I doing in my life right now that enriches the lives of others, thereby showing my love? That's important, you know that's not easy.

Cathy Larsen: 8:08

It's really like when you start unraveling things and things are about you, are not about you. You know that is not always clear.

Taylor Hartman: 8:18

No, you're right. Well, and remember, there's the other essence of this also, which is loving yourself.

Cathy Larsen: 8:22

Yeah.

Taylor Hartman: 8:23

So I mean, I've always been a strong proponent that you should love yourself and love others, right? And, as I've said, there are certain people that are great at loving themselves, not so much loving others, others who are great at loving others and not loving themselves, right? So my grandson is 18, decides to go skydiving to the rent of his parents and anyone else who is, you know, afraid for his life, and he goes. Bubba, it's not that big a deal. Let's explain how it works.

Taylor Hartman: 8:54

Most people don't die, And if I do die, it's quick, and I and you know what I loved about that cat. What I loved so much was his yellow mindset of living in the moment, like he was so willing to go love himself, go embrace life and do it, and I think that is so rich in terms of enhancing the quality of one's life. You could take the same mindset about loving others, like, why would you not do it? Like why would you not take care of somebody else? Like send somebody something that means something to them, like a book that you want them to read and you think they enjoy it. Why not take the time to do something to enrich someone else's life? I recently so. So I decided. You know you have people that are begging for money on the side of the road And people get torn. Should I give? Should I not give? You read articles that they're making more money than you're making.

Cathy Larsen: 9:47

Yes.

Taylor Hartman: 9:48

So you get caught up in in what's the right thing to do. So I recently decided you know what? this is? just nuts. It really doesn't. It's not about me.

Taylor Hartman: 9:57

Why do I make it about me? It's about them, yes, and if they're not legit, they're not legit. That's not really my problem anyway, right? So I went and got some fives and ones and put it in my car so that next time it happens I could just give it and be done Like. Stop worrying about making a judgment as to whether you should or shouldn't do it or worrying about you being taken advantage of.

Cathy Larsen: 10:21

I'm laughing because this this is exactly has played out in my life with my husband not stopping when I have my change bag. I do have a ziplock of money in my car and he gets, and we he's getting there, and then he does it begrudgingly Fine. I'm going to stop. You know, and he's like and he's the same guy, you know. They make more money than we do, and blah, blah, blah blah blah, and I'm like Paco it doesn't matter if they make more money than I do. I'm doing it because I want to.

Taylor Hartman: 10:52

Oh my gosh, it's so good.

Cathy Larsen: 10:53

I can't believe you're telling this story. It's like, oh my God, is he in my car. You got that.

Taylor Hartman: 11:01

Is. There is this client of mine who's um. She would like pay for the car behind her all the time. This is who she was.

Cathy Larsen: 11:06

Yeah.

Taylor Hartman: 11:08

And her husband was just lipped that he goes okay, I earned the money. You don't, don't just give it away People you don't know. And to this day, he is stingy and she is not, to this day, Like the way they lived their life.

Cathy Larsen: 11:20

Yeah.

Taylor Hartman: 11:20

And I just I don't know. All I know is that both aspects of loving yourself and or loving others should come quickly, freely and without judgment. It frees you to live it more that way. So the concept again is when you love another person, you see the face of God And what does that feel like Like.

Taylor Hartman: 11:44

Oh my gosh, if that's what life's really all about, why am I so hung up and judging and being critical of loving other people and loving myself? Why am I so unwilling to embrace that element in my life when it would only enrich everything about my life, right? So remember that we talked about how do you love number one? you got to get over you. That's the first thing you do. And then the second thing you want to do is you want to focus on listening to other people, like hearing them where they're at. Like I talked about going to Les Miserables and the beauty of that concept of.

Taylor Hartman: 12:19

Javert wants to always get Javelin. He always wants to get him and get even, and then of course, he kills himself in the end because he's so caught up in trying to punish somebody else And yet that Catholic priest who takes him in, he steals from him and then there Javera is going to put him in prison and the Catholic priest comes out and says oh my gosh, you forgot the candlesticks in your hurry to leave. So he redeems him and bought his soul for God, in essence changed John Beljean's life. So I'd like our listeners to think so how am I changing the life? Who am I giving candlesticks to in forgiveness, as opposed to trying to entrap them and punish them and hold them captive? Who am I buying the soul for God By how I love and live, as opposed to getting my needs met at their expense, caught in a quandary? should I love this person? they don't really deserve it. Those kinds of things.

Taylor Hartman: 13:27

And I think, by the way, for our listeners, that the better you get at this, the harder the trials come. That's what I have decided That your skills increase and so you're going to be challenged at a higher level the better you get at it. But you're also more skilled at handling it, much more skilled. So things you can do when you become more loving are at a higher level than they would have been before. So, even though the challenge is greater, so are your skills, and I think you see that, kat, when you go through life right.

Cathy Larsen: 14:03

Yeah, i think that vulnerability piece like that, when you really look at the risk to love somebody that way, that uncertainty piece when you step in because there's no, that means what I hear you saying is that means that I don't know if I'm going to get it back, i don't know if it's going to be reciprocated or, and it doesn't matter. It's like giving the money to the homeless person on the corner, it really doesn't matter.

Taylor Hartman: 14:32

But the point is you're correct. You free yourself when it doesn't matter. As long as it matters, you're not really doing it And you're limiting yourself from trying it because you're so busy concerning with like consequences. And, like you said, is it really the right thing to do, or should I really not do it, or what are the strings attached? So until you free yourself to be vulnerable to whatever a consequence comes, you're not doing it.

Cathy Larsen: 14:58

Okay, that's a really good signpost, by the way.

Taylor Hartman: 15:02

Yep, you're right, that's when you would know.

Cathy Larsen: 15:04

That's when you would know, yep.

Taylor Hartman: 15:06

And I think if life is really what I think it's about where you're supposed to learn to get better and we talked about projects and gems and I mean, if that really is the essence of what life is then I guess I'm asking our listeners how are you putting yourself in a scenario to where you could actually have that happen? What are you doing, for example, when you have children? well, let's go back when you marry. the minute you marry, you're putting yourself in a vulnerable place to grow Like. you are gonna be challenged and pushed in a very different direction than if you're single. When you then have children, you again are challenged at a higher level, even more so Right, and yet why is it most people would say I would do it again? Why do most people say, despite the trials of marriage and children, i would do it again?

Cathy Larsen: 16:02

Well, because of the joy 100%.

Taylor Hartman: 16:05

The positive outcome is you gain so much Like there's such a rich give back in being challenged to love, and I think that's why people would do it again. It's as painful as it is Right. I think they would do it again.

Cathy Larsen: 16:22

Well, you can't extract those right. I mean, you can extract pain out of joy. Life is not about one joy after another. Is that right?

Taylor Hartman: 16:32

Yes, he might. Feeling about that is, i think, joy can only come with pain. Happiness can come without pain, but joy is a much deeper and more full emotion and experience. So you have to include pain in the process to experience joy. So when I have happiness it's so fleeting but it's truly just free of any pain or even depth necessarily, just a great feeling in the moment. Joy is so much richer And it comes with depth. It's like looking at a couple that are married 50 years versus a couple that are getting married Right. There's happiness right In both. But there's greater joy when you have pain And you've suffered together or, you know, in loving. I think it's a much deeper, richer experience to have. And ironically, like you said, people often fight it, like they push against the possibility of joy, because they don't want the pain, so they prevent themselves from having it.

Cathy Larsen: 17:37

Yeah, yeah, it's almost like you live on this edge all the time And you know when you get pushed over and then people get mad about it, right, like yeah that's when people start getting like bitter or cynical at life.

Taylor Hartman: 17:51

Because they had a string. They didn't want to admit they had.

Cathy Larsen: 17:54

Yeah.

Taylor Hartman: 17:54

Yeah, but what's really cool is I think about this man that I'm working with, who I cannot believe how committed he is to being a better person And he is loving, and it is not happening. He's not getting the response And he's not at all daunted by it. I am in this because it's the right thing to do And if I don't get the response I want, i will be disappointed. That's like I'm not going to stop being and doing the right thing Because of that.

Cathy Larsen: 18:22

So cool And truly, I think what I'm aware of is that internal script. as we get older, it's kind of like that joy and living in that joy is like in a viewfinder looks like this childish thing happening right And people suck that out of life. It's like inappropriate to be joyful like that Because I think they're tied together. for me anyway, they are.

Taylor Hartman: 18:48

Also.

Cathy Larsen: 18:49

Well, i just I feel like that, you know, trying to have fun, trying to bring joy to things, seems like almost immature-ish, as we look at being coming an adult. You know what I mean.

Taylor Hartman: 19:00

Yeah, yeah, but especially if you're not a real happy person, grow up a little bit you're supposed to be unhappy.

Cathy Larsen: 19:08

Isn't that the truth? That's what I'm saying.

Taylor Hartman: 19:10

Well, i have certainly had many people tell me that it's been beat out of me in life, and that's because I think you're absolutely right. Like life, and other people will try and do that if you grant them permission to do it. But you're right, it's perceived as you know. You'd be so happy if you knew how really messed up life is.

Cathy Larsen: 19:28

Yes.

Taylor Hartman: 19:31

As if I want to be like you, miserable and happy and bitter like that, not real inviting, just so you know.

Cathy Larsen: 19:37

Because they don't? because that takes courage, you're right. Because they don't want to go through the pain of what it takes.

Taylor Hartman: 19:42

No, no And or own the fact that you did not handle that experience well. Like you, instead of taking the good from it, you took the bad from it. Remember that, remember that quote, that life is full of losses. With every loss comes lessons, and with lessons come blessings. So if you're not finding the blessing, probably you're stuck in bitterness because it didn't play out to a you thought it should have played out and you're stuck on you because you can't get out of your own way. All right, we got a clip for today. Oh, great Again, we hope listeners please work on loving How do I get better at that concept in my life? And we will see you next week. Thanks, kat, thanks.

Cathy Larsen: 20:21

Taylor. Bye.