The Art of Positive Partnership: From Catastrophe to Adventure

Ever wondered how the energy you bring to your relationships can have a transformative impact? As your hosts, Cat and I promise to shed light on this intriguing dynamic, offering insights into how positivity, trust and self-worth are key to fostering a thriving partnership. We unravel the complexities of relationships, exploring how problem-solving can shape memorable adventures from potential catastrophes. Witness how we delve into the heart of what makes a partner desirable, demonstrating the significance of each individual's contribution to a relationship.

This conversation takes an exciting turn as we tackle the pivotal role of trust and self-worth. We demonstrate how the energy you contribute to a situation goes beyond your mere presence, leaving an indelible mark on your relationships. The Color Code, a fascinating tool, brings a fresh perspective into our discussion, guiding us through the maze of personal interactions. We don't stop at that; we also consider how adopting an appreciative attitude towards life rather than a bitter one can lead to a wealth of extraordinary experiences. Finally, we get real about the importance of cultivating self-worth outside the confines of a single attribute, revealing how having a trusted confidant can help us build a balanced perspective of our worth. So, join Kat and me, as we embark on this enlightening journey of self-discovery and relationship building.

Take the Personality and Character Profiles at TaylorHartman.com.

Send questions and comments to Taylor@TaylorHartman.com Or Cathy@TaylorHartman.com with “Podcast” in the subject line.

Transcript

Taylor Hartman: 0:13

Hello listeners. This is Dr Taylor Hartman, with Very Best of Living. I'm with my good friend Kat Larson. Hello Kat.

Speaker 3: 0:19

Hello Taylor.

Taylor Hartman: 0:21

Nice to hear your voice, you too.

Speaker 3: 0:22

I like this good for you. Yeah, things are great. It's hot. We're going paddle boarding this weekend. I'm excited.

Taylor Hartman: 0:30

That's fun yeah it is.

Speaker 3: 0:31

It's one of the coolest places really.

Taylor Hartman: 0:35

Really, and is that new for you or no?

Speaker 3: 0:38

Well, we started last year when we moved up to Northern California because there's so many lakes around us, which is just easy access, 15 minutes away. We live in a pretty cool place and then it helped that we found, well, we had two paddle boards and it was kind of a disaster like the first three times, because Paco, my husband and I think I've talked about it enough he's like 6'11 and you know you know, 290 pounds Bigger than the paddle board.

Speaker 3: 1:02

Yeah, no, it's like it was taco. It was a taco, he would stand on it and it would just fold up. But we found one called the Megalodon and it's a giant paddle board Megalodon the Megalodon and it's a giant paddle board that holds him up and he can stand up on it, and it changed our world. Because he was going for me, because he said to a sweet man and he was just like no, no, I'm good, I'm good. You know, sitting half submerged in a lake all day was not fun for him. So we, but we solved the problem, so now he loves it.

Taylor Hartman: 1:36

So wait a minute. So I want to talk about that for a minute. What I loved was that you moved and with that you had to change some of your activities that embraced the environment.

Speaker 3: 1:47

Yes.

Taylor Hartman: 1:48

Instead of resenting. We can't do whatever we did before. You're like okay, there's a lot of lakes here. Let's look for new ways to enjoy this new environment.

Speaker 3: 1:57

Yes.

Taylor Hartman: 1:58

And then it wasn't perfect, it wasn't easy, but instead of giving up, you found other alternatives until it worked.

Speaker 3: 2:05

Yes, and you know, yeah, we, this has been a journey. Paco is this person. I really don't want to go, but I want to be with you, so I'll go, right, right.

Taylor Hartman: 2:17

Blue.

Speaker 3: 2:18

Which, which which I had a hard time with until I finally got over it and said okay, it's his choice, he doesn't really want to go, but he wants to be with me. Good choice, paco right.

Taylor Hartman: 2:27

Good, good for you, I agree, I agree, actually I do.

Speaker 3: 2:31

So then we get up there and it's like him struggling to enjoy it and I think we've probably even talked about this a little bit on some podcasts, but but he's struggling to enjoy things because, you know, when you're that size of a human, everything isn't easy like it is for regular sized people like us. No, no, no, Right, you don't just jump on something and go. No, I'm telling you.

Speaker 3: 2:52

You just jump on you and go yes, the only thing. And so he had to struggle and he didn't want to go, and then it was like we, we problem solved but I think.

Taylor Hartman: 3:04

But to that point I want to say something.

Speaker 3: 3:06

Yes.

Taylor Hartman: 3:08

It's true that for him, as a blue, being with you was more important than the struggle. I think you and I, as a yellow, would have said no, no, I don't need to be with you. Right? I want to be something I enjoy. Yes, I almost say to people you can't do that, that's not good, when, for them, it truly is what they're about, like, they're about being with the person they love.

Speaker 3: 3:29

Yes.

Taylor Hartman: 3:29

Now Okay. So here comes the kicker. If that's truly who you are, but you're not a healthy person, so you want to be with someone because you love them, but you are not your negative, you're not happy, whatever You're critical, you still want to be with somebody, but you're not someone they want to be with. What's interesting about that is people that are that person can't see that. All they see is they want to be with you. Why wouldn't you appreciate that? And so I hope our listeners are aware of the fact.

Taylor Hartman: 3:59

The reason it works for you and Paco is because Paco is not that kind of person. He is a kind, enjoyable, like to be with a human being, and so I don't want blues to ever feel like it's not right for you to want to be with someone. That's not wrong. What's wrong is if you're not inviting of others who you want to be with, then you have to look at yourself and say what is it about me that makes me not desirable? How do I fix that so they could want me to be with them? I'm so glad you kind of led with that concept because with Paco, he's such a good example of what is a good person that you'd want to be with someone like that.

Taylor Hartman: 4:36

But there are others who, just like him, want to be with someone, but they don't bring sunshine when they're there. They're more critical, negative, unhappy. And that's when the person like you in this case would say no, I'd rather you not be with me. And of course they are so offended by that. I think anyone comprehended. But I want to say to them but you're not desirable, like when you go, you're negative. Why would you think that? Well, it doesn't change the fact that I want to be with him. That's why I got married. Well, that's fine, but you're not looking at you, you're not owning that. You don't contribute to the relationship. That's so. I get clients all the time that they get stuck in. But what's wrong with wanting to be with somebody? I'm like nothing is wrong with that. Ever Not my point. But you can't be the kind of person who's so distracting that when you're with them they're like, oh, please go away. And then you get offended.

Speaker 3: 5:28

Well, yeah, and that's really when the fun sucking starts, right. It's like this is not fun because of you bring that element to this and I do have a question around that. So one thing that I have been sounds like I've been doing it wrong, Shocker is every day is that I want Paco to. I don't want to be the only reason he goes and does.

Taylor Hartman: 5:56

I'm like but you are, I know.

Speaker 3: 6:00

And I don't know why, but it's like I want him to have the same feeling of joy and excitement that I do, and I just don't think that's gonna happen.

Taylor Hartman: 6:10

Thank you Next no.

Speaker 3: 6:15

End of your therapy session. Yep, right, goodbye. Thank you, give me the check. I'm out of here. You're fired.

Taylor Hartman: 6:22

No, no. But you know what's funny about that, Kat. It's a good point.

Taylor Hartman: 6:26

As yellows, I don't think we comprehend that, Like honestly, the joy of being in the moment is so powerful for us and freedom I'm sure I've shared this before on a podcast this yellow friend client that once walked with her dog in the mountains. She just didn't want her husband with her and he could not comprehend that Like he was like, why would you not want to be with me? Well, he was so negative and slow and he created a negative environment when they went that she goes, Taylor, I can't say it to him because it would kill him, but I try and find opportunities when he can't sound available so I can go and just feel free in the mountains. So I don't think yellows have the need to be with someone as much as they have a need to be in the moment and free. So it's not that I don't like that about blues. I actually love that about blues.

Taylor Hartman: 7:16

So wanting for connectedness and with someone and yes, you're right, we as yellow would like them to have the same passion or something that we have for whatever it might be. But I don't fault that at all. I think it's a wonderful trait, but just be the person that makes you not a negative add-on plus one. Be a person that, oh my gosh, of course I would like you to be there. The problem I have with, sometimes blues they are so needy and negative that the plus one is the negative one. It's not a plus one. So if you're blue, you got to really think about that, Am I? If I want to be with somebody, am I enhancing their experience or am I distracting from it?

Speaker 3: 7:58

We've had that conversation in terms of what it might feel like to a blue, and maybe you can expand on this a little bit with in life, which is well, I'm here, aren't I? Well, yeah, you are here. Now, what you bring to here, like what you just said, it's almost like the blues put more weight on the fact that they're showing up and not responsible for the energy of that showing up. If that makes sense Correct?

Taylor Hartman: 8:23

No, it does.

Speaker 3: 8:24

Yeah.

Taylor Hartman: 8:25

And that does not work for yellows especially. No, no, the energy you bring is more critical than you being there or not being there.

Speaker 3: 8:32

That's for yellow which hurts a blues feelings when you say that yeah. I'd rather you not be here. If you can't be happy, then be here. That's a weird place, isn't it?

Taylor Hartman: 8:43

No, because what they're saying is that should not be a criteria as to why you want me there. Yes, I'm like. Well, it is, whether you like her or not, it is. And just it's funny how it's hard for them to understand that element when they get offended For the very thing they're causing to be now. It's one thing. It's someone just doesn't want you around. That's, that's their problem. They're not very healthy, but if they were, they would love you to be there. But just be an add-on, not a negative. That's that's where the blue takes offense and they shouldn't.

Speaker 3: 9:12

It's interesting clear.

Taylor Hartman: 9:13

We got. We got a letter from Actually was a client that not a client, but a person that was complaining about the color code was so fascinating. He was white and his wife was red. They've been a very successful marriage for for 14 years and and her parents love the color code and when he, when she had a bad marriage, red married to red, she divorced.

Taylor Hartman: 9:33

Now she was looking for another spouse and he came along and the parents did not want them to marry because he was white and they were worried that he would be like a extreme of the other. Caught the, she went from one extreme to the other right, and it was just interesting to me to see how bitter he was about Personality profiles and what it almost cost him in a relationship and and I thought to myself, wouldn't it be healthier if he had said I understood why they felt that I got? That made sense to me. Actually, I'm not the kind of white they thought that I was. They missed the nuances of the color code, but what they were worried about made sense, especially after she'd been with a very strong red. Was she just compensating by going to a very strong white? And?

Taylor Hartman: 10:20

And so I think you know in life it's so important for our listeners to think about how am I responding to life experiences and truths that I learned about myself? Am I doing it with bitterness? Am I resentful, or am I appreciative of why it may appear the way it was? Am I more appreciative of where somebody came from in their perspective, instead of being bitter? That's my, my big. I don't get why people want to carry bitterness with them, it limits them and just it doesn't provide them an opportunity To just move forward, to let go. And so I was thinking about that was there's a quote that says, above all, don't fear difficult moments. The best comes from them, by Anita Levi Montagliel. The reason I love that was I found that you know I talked about the pro podcast last time, about our trip to Peru at midnight when we're in the reeds and the motor gets stuck because it's caught up in reeds.

Taylor Hartman: 11:20

We don't know this person at all. One of my granddaughters said oh my gosh, now the adventure begins. And I was so mesmerized by that perspective. Instead of like how's this going to be good, it was like now the adventure begins. And I think that our listeners should think about their days like that way, like don't fear the unknown, for example. The unknown, I mean, if you have fear and you don't trust the universe and you don't trust yourself and you don't trust other people, you live such a limited life and I don't think you gain as much ground as you think you do. You think you're protecting yourself, but I think you're actually hiding from the huge possibilities. If you were to trust, what do you think about that?

Speaker 3: 12:11

That is, you know, like you were just in a jungle, like that's the stuff that you have to. Like, get your machete and start cutting down.

Taylor Hartman: 12:19

Well, 100%, yeah, Like literally. I think about the time we were in Africa and we're crossing the Congo and the two countries were talking about how they stopped throwing dead bodies in the river because we can't navigate it and we had 14 different people manage us, handle us, to get us across the river between these two countries 14. And I thought to myself you got to trust. And then we had this incredible, rich experience which we would never have had if we were fearful, if we'd stayed back, and I think that's true of life. I think, for example, having children is a very fear-ridden kind of possibility for some people. Like what would they be? Like? What will happen to us? Will we lose time? Will we lose opportunities? Will it cost too much? They have all these fear-driven kinds of fears that prevent them from embracing what we you and I have experienced, which is the magic of having someone actually be 100% dependent on you for a period of time in their lives right and I do think fear drives poor decisions.

Taylor Hartman: 13:26

I have a brother-in-law whose birthday was yesterday, lyle Rasmussen. He's just a remarkable human being and my picture of him has always been he is the last to eat, always, every time we've done any kind of dinner connection, family whatever, he always gives everyone passage first because he has no fear. He doesn't live in that sense of I need it for me, I don't take care of me. He always is. I want you to be comfortable, I want you to get your food and I'll be fine in one way or the other, it doesn't matter. I think about him versus people who always have to be first in line. It's always about them, that kind of fear of I don't get enough. I think about serial killers or the other extreme of that also, where they need attention so desperately. They need something to feel important. Yes.

Taylor Hartman: 14:17

Even at the expense of taking lives, they'll do that. So I've always thought about that. In terms of mental health, we really understood the picture of evil and selfishness and fear on one end versus love and light and healing and trust. It's so different and it's true, by the way. We all come different. There are some that come fear-based and there are some who come loving. You talk about the second child. Is the first child giving you jealous? That's often the case, right? But there are many examples when that's not at all. They're the most nurturing, most helpful. They love having another companion. So what are you like or not like?

Taylor Hartman: 15:00

You've asked the question before, kat with self-esteem, like self-worth. Where does it come from if you don't get raised with it, if you're not told right? And there's another extreme of that too, which is now everybody gets a trophy because they show up. And what does that do to self-esteem when you realize, well, that's not special, I didn't do it and earned it, so I trust you? I don't really believe it because now it's like everyone gets it right. So there's extremes there.

Taylor Hartman: 15:29

But I think we have to think about this. Self-worth comes from not worrying about what other people say, good or bad. They don't define you. Everything I comment on you about comes from my experience. So if you give me too much weight where I can actually control you with my comments good or bad, right, you're ignoring the fact that I'm biased with my own experience, so it may be giving you false reading on things. If that determines, then your own worth, the minute I change that, so does your worth. But if within yourself you can say this I know is true of me Like, for example, you're thinking about showing up which you've really done, remarkable with A phenomenal, honestly, I wish people could appreciate what that does to your self-worth. Yes, right.

Speaker 3: 16:17

Yes.

Taylor Hartman: 16:18

But you did it. No one else did it, you did it. But you also can give yourself credit for that, not needing necessarily someone else to validate it, but just you know, I know the difference. So if someone were to say, you see, there you are again, like one more time, the yellow doesn't come through. If you gave them that kind of power that could destroy what you know you've actually done in your life. So that's where I start with self-esteem. It should not be what your parents or your siblings or whatever dictate is good or bad about you. It should come more from within. I value this and I do it. I Value this and I show up with it. I don't value this, so I don't do it.

Speaker 3: 17:00

Whatever those principles are that you use in your life to dictate what is right or wrong, that's what I would wish people were work more towards you know, in in Edge for the, the tool that we use with that's Color code based, that we use with athletes and coaches, is the fact that that so many times the concept of self-worth is around the Definition of I've built myself worth from like, say, you started playing sports in sixth grade right, hmm, my word came from this yeah, so by the time, you're in college or you step out of college and you don't have a career beyond, which is a very small percentage of people that do have a career in athletics after college, some after even high school.

Speaker 3: 17:44

I mean you know, it's done after that is that, that self-worth was built Just on that. So the identity of you and I think it's funny, it's like even empty duster, my identity, if I myself was came- with.

Speaker 1: 17:57

I was a good mom. I made lunches every day myself worth, as you know.

Speaker 3: 18:01

I don't know, I just think it's, it's. It's a really, really fluid Place of it's not set. It's like I see I have to build it a lot of different places in my life. Self-worth as a mom.

Taylor Hartman: 18:12

Self-worth as a wife and and ongoing ongoing yeah. I mean just like when you moved to Northern California. Yeah you adjusted your activities. Yeah, same as true of self-worth, right. If you're stuck on being a good mom, well, good luck, that's gonna go away. Yeah, you were. There's no question, that will always be, you will always be. But, like you say, that's like being graded football, right? Like great, okay, that's great right, but what else is there? So you've actually landed things in different aspects of your life. I think you have to don't you.

Taylor Hartman: 18:43

Absolutely yeah and and. But those are also your credit. See, what worries me is, here again, those let's talk about your athletes, for example, those that are given the gift of the talent of sports. Right, there's no question that's a wonderful positive in their life. But again it can become a negative. If that then defines you and that's all that defines you, not you as a human being, not you as a scholar, not you as a friend, then once the athletic career goes right or you're no longer interesting, can you imagine what you do to crave to get that back, because that's all you have ever had to define you. So that's why I love what you said. No, I have little pods. I'm planting all the time as a wife, as a friend, as a mother, always. And, as you've realized, they change, like when our kids move on. Don't take away the magic of what you were, but the reality is you got to do other things to keep building that kind of framework.

Speaker 3: 19:41

Yeah, I mean my kids, Especially my, my son, who you talked to on this podcast. Okay, it's so funny. He uses silence so effectively with me. So when I get into that like sometimes you go back and it's like I'm searching for. You know, validate me as a good mom from a 24 year old is not a pleasant experience. And he uses silence. It's like. It's like Ah, okay, I get it, I'm doing that thing, aren't I, kate Yep?

Taylor Hartman: 20:11

He's so kind, oh say something, he just is quiet.

Speaker 3: 20:16

And he doesn't hang up the phone without you know. I mean I just I get it now because I mean and and really it's a tell for him. So learning people's tells is a really great place for people. It's like what am I doing? What? Am I doing. Yeah, read the dang room for sure, oh yeah well.

Taylor Hartman: 20:37

Also, though, I think it's really a nice thought to have for our listeners when am I planting Self-worth and what am I planting it in? There's so many aspects of life that you can develop self-worth. For example, people that listen listen well, what a great gift. Saying I am a good listener I really do. Do hear what people are saying, you know. Or I'm a good leader. I can find ways to make a group of people interact in a way that they can do well. I mean, there's so many different ways to develop your self-esteem and self-worth throughout your life.

Taylor Hartman: 21:12

I am not suggesting that when you're tender and you're beginning your life, it isn't impactful to have a parent who always reminds you that you're inadequate, you don't measure up, you're not good enough. I don't want to suggest that doesn't exist. I know it exists. I've said before that woman who took color code at 32 and said to me I know now who I am because I'm with somebody who could see me differently than I ever was seen as a child. So I know it's very hard when you are manipulated and treated, mistreated at a very young age.

Taylor Hartman: 21:45

But Still it's your job, your life is your job, to build that sense of value. So I think people are listeners should consider what are the principles I base myself words on like do I really see myself accurately through those principles or have I got skewed principles like I'm only on, my only self-worth comes in my Athletic prowess or, for young women, my beauty. I mean, if there's things that you've hooked on to, that I'm not saying you weren't granted a gift. You may have been very well granted a gift, but you may be used against you if you only tie to that, to the more elements of life that are more important.

Speaker 3: 22:28

That makes so much sense.

Taylor Hartman: 22:30

It's true, but it's hard. I mean, I get it. I honestly I think it's kind of ironic, like people that are given a certain kind of gift beauty, money, sports, whatever it might be it's weird to me that almost something they have to overcome along the way or they can't really appreciate the gifts they were given, it becomes a deterrent to good self-esteem.

Speaker 3: 22:50

When you talked about the concepts of, I was talking to one of my friends the other day and she's kind of on this journey and she had a rough time marriage ending, a couple of other things happening and we were talking about trying to do stuff in a bubble like you know, because I would say something to her Like yeah, I'm working on that, or I'm working on that inside, inside, inside, which I think is important, work, right, you know? Like we all work on stuff inside.

Speaker 3: 23:14

But what's your view on as you're talking about all these things? Isn't it almost critical to have somebody in your life that you talk about things with, to make sure that you are on point?

Taylor Hartman: 23:25

Yes, I'm glad you asked that. I don't feel people realize how delusional we can become Like we live and sleep with ourselves, so we tend to agree to things that probably aren't in our best interest. And unless you can hear yourself talk out loud or get feedback from somebody else that you respect and trust, I think you can be misaligned. I do. I honestly agree with that. It's so important to have people you can trust and speak to that will just say what about this? What have you thought of that? Or, you know, give you perspective.

Taylor Hartman: 23:56

You know what I mean. That's what I really agree with. It's sad when people don't feel like they have that, and I think good friends, good therapists, good parents, good children that are healthy can give you a great kind of sense of truth.

Speaker 3: 24:10

Yeah, I mean, we were we. I really think that when whoever did it, however, got started, I don't know how it got started, I don't know enough about that.

Taylor Hartman: 24:20

What was that the?

Speaker 3: 24:21

fact that that strength means you do it alone. You know, I think it's kind of a myth. It's one of these myths that if I have to ask for help.

Speaker 3: 24:30

You know all that vulnerability and what we're coming to know about what real strength is and how beautiful it is when you do emotionally expose yourself to others. It's still not easy, though, in our world, and I don't know, maybe that maybe I don't know how it got started, I don't think I don't know if it matters how it got started, but where that came from that to look uncertain in something is a weakness.

Taylor Hartman: 24:54

Yes, yes. And to reveal it on top of that yes. But you're right People that are healthy. That's not the case for them. They see it as an opportunity to blend and connect with, as opposed to being exposed as weak and inadequate? Yeah Well, I think. Unfortunately, a lot of people live their whole life in a vacuum and they're rather delusional. To be honest with you, they're not really living life more legitimately like they could be if they trusted enough to connect and let themselves be exposed.

Speaker 3: 25:24

Trusted themselves enough.

Taylor Hartman: 25:25

Yes, because at the end of the day, kat, the thing that really gets to me the most is people that I understand, because they'll say how can I trust someone so ever again? How can I trust this ever again? I'm like it's not about trusting them, it's about trusting you. Yeah, like, once you're solid with you, it gives you a lot more power in your life. That's the essence of, in my mind, good self-worth. I trust myself to make good choices and do good things and do right by people. I trust myself. That builds a firmness and a solidarity and, by the way, healthiest people I know are very more than willing to understand. They may be very centered in certain aspects of their life, but not others. And it's those others they reach out. They're just like your opinion about this, what you think, and it's always interesting the ones that ask that are the most humble. Well, it's time to quit.

Speaker 3: 26:17

Yes.

Taylor Hartman: 26:18

It's a great. Thank you guys so much for being with us again on this journey. We appreciate you very much, Kat. Always a pleasure, you know that.

Speaker 3: 26:25

I always get whiny when we have to quit so a fine.

Taylor Hartman: 26:29

Yeah, you don't whine, well you know that I don't, I don't.

Speaker 3: 26:35

No, I whine very well.

Taylor Hartman: 26:36

Thank you guys all. We'll be with you next week. Thanks for listening. Love you all, okay.