Are you ready to unearth the secret to a quality life? Join us, Dr. Taylor Hartman and Cat Larsen, for a thoughtful exploration. We start by unlocking the power of attitudes. Together, we dissect how the mindset we carry can either propel our growth or hinder it, especially during challenging phases of life. We touch upon a crucial aspect of self-trust and setting boundaries, shedding light on the dysfunctionality of enabling. The key takeaway: Stop what doesn't serve you.
As we journey further, we delve into the essence of risk-taking and its significance to success. We share our thoughts on the practice of 'paying our dues' - a concept that embodies decision-making and selfless giving without the expectancy of returns. During moments of hardship, the art of giving back holds immense importance. We then navigate towards discovering and embracing our passions, emphasizing the thrilling venture into new experiences. The most beautiful passions are often hidden, waiting for us to explore new territories. Remember, you won't uncover your true passion until you have the courage to try.
Take the Personality and Character Profiles at TaylorHartman.com.
Send questions and comments to Taylor@TaylorHartman.com Or Cathy@TaylorHartman.com with “Podcast” in the subject line.
Are you ready to unearth the secret to a quality life? Join us, Dr. Taylor Hartman and Cat Larsen, for a thoughtful exploration. We start by unlocking the power of attitudes. Together, we dissect how the mindset we carry can either propel our growth or hinder it, especially during challenging phases of life. We touch upon a crucial aspect of self-trust and setting boundaries, shedding light on the dysfunctionality of enabling. The key takeaway: Stop what doesn't serve you.
As we journey further, we delve into the essence of risk-taking and its significance to success. We share our thoughts on the practice of 'paying our dues' - a concept that embodies decision-making and selfless giving without the expectancy of returns. During moments of hardship, the art of giving back holds immense importance. We then navigate towards discovering and embracing our passions, emphasizing the thrilling venture into new experiences. The most beautiful passions are often hidden, waiting for us to explore new territories. Remember, you won't uncover your true passion until you have the courage to try.
Take the Personality and Character Profiles at TaylorHartman.com.
Send questions and comments to Taylor@TaylorHartman.com Or Cathy@TaylorHartman.com with “Podcast” in the subject line.
Hello listeners, this is Dr Taylor Hartman, with Very Best of Living with my good friend, kat Larson. Hello Kat, hello good friend.
Cathy Larsen:How are you?
Taylor Hartman:I'm well, I'm great. How are you? I'm good, I'm really good. Good. I love that. I love listening and for your thoughts and your ideas. We're going to talk about qualities that transcend color and core color.
Taylor Hartman:Today, when you build a quality life, what are some of the things you have to be committed to to make that happen? I think it's an exciting topic. You know what's funny about that, kat? I live in the world of dysfunction. That's what I do with mental health. How do you improve people's dysfunction in life?
Taylor Hartman:I've discovered there are so many pathways that you can go down in dysfunction. There's so many options Self-centeredness, narcissism, selfishness, manipulation, dysfunction, delusion, entitlement. It is almost overwhelming how many paths you can choose to be unhealthy if you want to, regardless of your color. That's not true of positive mental, spiritual, emotional health. There are not lots of different paths. There are certain rules and laws that you have to abide by to have good mental, spiritual, emotional health, regardless of your color, regardless of your age, regardless of your gender, regardless of your religion. I'm telling you these are laws that if you break them, you cannot transcend health. You can't. I think it would be kind of fun for us to talk about what are the good things. What are the good things that you need to do? One of them it's interesting is your good friend is now responsible for a team, a football team of taking them from a place of distrust.
Taylor Hartman:Let's talk about trust. I think trusting in life, trusting the process, is a very key element of living a quality life I do. People say to me you can't expect me to trust after what's happened, whether it's a marital affair, whether it's any number of things. They'll say to me you can't expect me to believe in my employer when he pulled the wall out front underneath me and he's not giving me my raise. I'm like. What I can help you do is learn to trust yourself. Don't make what you need others to do necessary for trust. Make it about you. Are you trustworthy? Can you land on your feet? If they are untrustworthy, can you do that? Because if you can't, you're always owned by them. They then own you. I think we should talk about that idea. We all get burned in life, kat. There's times in life we just take an advantage of. It's interesting to me how you get over that, what you do about that. If your attitude says well, you can't expect me to get over it. It's them that did it to me.
Taylor Hartman:My reaction is no, I wouldn't. First of all, if they are untrustworthy and you've already seen that if you're waiting for them to change, I don't think that's gonna be a secret sauce for success. I think you need to go back to you and own well, what is it I trust about me? I was working with a man recently who is he is one of the most giving people very much about. How can I make you win? That's who he is, and he discovered that his parents have done him wrong once again and it's not Common or unhealthy in my mind to weigh that out for a minute. I don't say to him Well, you gotta get over that immediately and make it okay. I I'm like maybe you need to kind of wallow in the hurt for a little bit, like it really does hurt when somebody you care about takes advantage of you. That makes sense to me and multiple times you said and multiple times yes, repeatedly okay
Taylor Hartman:and and then you know in this man's case I said that you are guilty. Just so you know, like you have allowed this your whole life. You are a giver, you are a nurturer. You allow people to take advantage of you and always have, and you also have an incredible life. Like you, have people who love and esteem you like at a level that very few people experience. So it's not all been bad. But you are responsible for allowing this to continue repeatedly. So, even in my nurturing, I am holding him accountable and saying okay, so you can choose To be done with giving in this arena. I don't really have a problem with that. It's not helping them. They're gonna continue to take advantage. So you have Permission, if for good mental health, for you to say I'm no longer giving you, that I'm taking that away from you. That possibility is gone. I have no problem with that. So I do think that sometimes stopping the bleeding is required Right to be able to trust. But I don't want him to lose his trust and become bitter and angry and hard.
Taylor Hartman:I don't want that right because he's done such a great job of not being that way. But you know, when you get taken advantage of a lot or manipulated, achieve it on. It is it does Terri scars with it. So I'm saying to him you have the right to stop the bleeding and say no more. That's not necessarily wrong, it's probably right actually, and I would say that in a relationship like if somebody is.
Taylor Hartman:I was dealing with this person who's been dealing with her spouse, who's been abusing medication and and she was so good she saved his life, no question about that. And I and I said to her it's okay for you to say I'm not doing that again, like we're done. That needs to stop, because that's not really right for me and it's certainly not right for you, and Drawing the line in the sand is not wrong to do. So I want our listeners to realize that sometimes that's how you actually stop the dysfunction is you don't allow it for you. They can choose that path, but not with you, and look to see if you're enabling. Let's see if you're allowing these things to go on that are causing you grief and pain. If you want to create a quality of life, henry David Thoreau once said to affect the quality of the day. That is the highest of arts. John Wooden said you can't live a good day if you've not done something for somebody else. That can't bring you back.
Taylor Hartman:I mean, he fits in that same him, and it ever David Thoreau thinking like to impact the quality of the day. Okay, so what does that look like? Well, I think it looks like forgiveness.
Taylor Hartman:I think it looks like being honest with yourself and taking ownership of your role in In the relationship that's gone sour or whatever. I think it takes you stepping up and saying what am I allowing or doing in my life that is feeding the quality of the day, or what am I doing that's causing me to be bitter and resentful and maybe no gain At the end of the day. I'm worn out, that kind of thing. I have seven rules for good emotional, mental, spiritual health.
Cathy Larsen:You want to hear them. Okay, well, yes, let's all take the test. Let's see how we're doing on these.
Taylor Hartman:Number one it's not all about you. So if you really want to experience health, you have to get yourself in order to get over yourself and stop making it about you. What I watch are people parents, for example, that don't set boundaries, don't set rules and they're exhausted because their kids are all about themselves and the parents never set an emotion. That's not how it works here. That's not who we are here. So I think setting like giving kids jobs to do and holding them accountable absolutely you do that. You don't simply say I'm worn out, I can't say it anymore, I don't care what they do you can't do that. You have to be in the game and you have to believe you have the right to set boundaries and expectations for those in your life. So, number one, it's not all about you. Number two adapt.
Taylor Hartman:I think life is challenging and changing. You have to build a heart and mind that can adapt, punt, reimagine, shift priorities, forgive be flexible. I think you have to learn to let go. It reminds me of people who gather the acorns and the monkeys, that get the acorns in their grip of their hand and then they can't let. They can't get their hand out because they won't let go of all of these acorns and so you catch them that way. But their greed is what makes them vulnerable, and I think people that go through life, that are compiling hurts and scars that can never let go, are not flexible, they're not adaptable. And I think that's a very critical element of good health is you've got to be able to adapt. If you're staying stuck with, I can't be expected to change. Then you're not born, you're not built for quality of life.
Cathy Larsen:So when you talk about letting go and then just learning to let go of something, something happened that if your parents are gone and they did something to you, learning to let go is a big thing in our lives to say, do you have to acknowledge it? Do you have to say this bad thing happened to me, because people get stuck there? We've talked about that before where people get stuck in. They treated me this way.
Taylor Hartman:So at some point, if you're not letting go, it's a dirty motive, like you're holding them hostage so you don't have to be expected to suit up. That's a bad motive. And so in that situation, kat, you're right, they should own it. It hurt, didn't feel good, sorry it happened. I'm not gonna do it to my kids, but they're dead and gone and I need to let it go. I need to focus on what I can impact, not what they impacted.
Cathy Larsen:Do you find people that really struggle with letting it go?
Taylor Hartman:100%.
Cathy Larsen:And what are the therapeutic tools you use? I mean, like, what do you do? Do they just have to work on it?
Taylor Hartman:I start by saying to them what are you getting out of this? Nothing, are you kidding? It's been horrible, but you're the one choosing to stay there. So don't tell me you're not getting something out of it, or you wouldn't be doing that. And some of us, we have a fight with that. Like there are people who really fight me on that and I'm like, well, if you're not getting anything out of it, then why don't you let it go? Well, you don't know how hard it is to forgive or forget what happened. I said I didn't ask you to forgive or forget. I asked you to let go and move on and work on things you can control.
Taylor Hartman:Now if you'd like to learn to forgive and forget. I can teach you that. But I want you to start by taking ownership that you are depriving yourself and those you say you love of a life they could enjoy because you won't let go. You're still holding them hostage and they're still owning you from the grave. So that's the approach we take. With that, and there are specific things you can do. Like, for example, somebody is worried about whether they should go into medical school. Well, go into medical school and if it isn't right, get out.
Taylor Hartman:Like, stop with this nonsense. You have to commit to something and you have to adapt along the way. Like, maybe, people getting married? Like, stop worrying about, well, should I or shouldn't I? If you love the person and you want to be with them, marry them. And then, if there are things that are wrong, face it, deal with it. But you can't not function in my mind. You can't stay in limbo. You've got to kick your life off in gear and then adapt as you go. And, cat, we're old enough like me more than you, but we're both old enough to know our lives have had to adapt. Like, you can't just set a plan in motion and expect to follow, like your rules. That's not gonna happen.
Taylor Hartman:But I have enough trust in a God that I believe. At the end of the day, he's responsible, not me. So if I trust him, then I can't spend all my life trying to do his work, fix what he did wrong, make it better, because he didn't. I don't need to do that. I'm more focused on things I can impact. That will make my life better and, honestly, there's enough of that going around in my life. I don't have time to worry about him and them and what they're doing or not doing. That's their agency.
Taylor Hartman:Number three love is a four-letter word spelled G-I-V-E. Love is a four-letter word, spelled G-I-V-E. If you really want to be a loving person, tell me how you give. Tell me what you give. It's so beautiful when I see people who give life back despite what they have lost. They are givers. They are like Helen Keller gave back despite handicaps. And I think it's really kind of cool when you see people who give what they don't need. I've always been impressed with people who are willing to give what they don't need. It's impressive to me.
Taylor Hartman:Number four take risks Like life will not come to you on your terms. You have to take life on your terms to it. And there are, like, I think, marriage, children, new jobs, moving, travel all of these are risks and all I'm suggesting is you have to take risks to win. You cannot enjoy a quality of life if you don't Number five pay your dues. Don't make other people pay for you. Do your own accounting.
Taylor Hartman:Like, if you say you want to do something, learn something, travel somewhere, you need to put that emotion, you need to make that happen. Don't wait for others to do it for you. And I think someone it's like it's a yellow it's always been interesting Like yellows don't want to pay consequences. Like we're willing to risk but we don't want to have to pay our dues for the risk. Like earn the money to go on a trip. You know that's like you have to pay your dues.
Taylor Hartman:If you're in a marriage, for example, you have to care about them, not just you. If you are going to grow children and have children, you have to be able to give up things and sacrifice. It's like those are the kind of things I'm saying. Or like, example, if you have a job, go the extra mile. Like, stop making it about when you're gonna get paid back and go do more than you're expected to do. I just I love good employees. I love people who give more than they take, who make things happen for others, not because of what it's gonna do for them, but because it's the right thing to do. Kind of fun.
Cathy Larsen:You know, it is like right now that's funny that you're this one just stopped me on my tracks because it's like paying your dues looks like it's almost like in this world, every action there's like a it's transactional, because it's like if I do this, then I'm gonna get this out of it. And you have to on purpose, I think, say I don't know what I'm gonna get out of it, but I'm gonna give because it feels right. And I know that I'm not trying to sound like I don't know overly ridiculous, but you have to make a decision. You have to make a decision.
Taylor Hartman:You're not trying to sound noble, no, no, that is noble, but that is right. Though.
Cathy Larsen:Kat, you're right, you have to be willing to choose, to give, not because you're gonna get something back, right, and then there's this yeah, but you know people that are good in business, it's like, well, what are you gonna get and how do you make money and how you know your lines of income, and blah, blah, blah. And I got so tired of. For me, my journey on this was I was like, oh my gosh, that's right and what's your value? And blah, blah, blah.
Cathy Larsen:When I just finally decided, and I get it. I mean we have to make money to live, we have to pay the rent. Right Got to buy the beanie weenies.
Cathy Larsen:So it's like how do I do that? I don't think you have to step into that hustle mentality, that hustle culture. I actually think that that's was so detrimental to me because it was giving me burnout, our last podcast. You know, it's like I can't think about that. What do I love doing? And putting 100% in, and then I can go. You know, if I need to go make more money, I'll do it, but I don't like to hustle. That's a weird word for me.
Taylor Hartman:No, what I love about you is that you have decided there's a higher level of life to live, yes, yes. And I think people who hustle for money lose sincerity. They lose trust. Money is the game, it's not relationships.
Cathy Larsen:Yes.
Taylor Hartman:And I agree with you on that.
Cathy Larsen:That's it, I think you just said it better than I did. When money is the game.
Taylor Hartman:Yeah, and there are people that live their life in that. That's all they are about. Is it's always a transaction to earn me something more.
Cathy Larsen:Yes.
Taylor Hartman:And my sadness about that is you will live less of a life, okay, and it will eventually consume you Like. At the end of the day. It will then own how you live your life.
Cathy Larsen:Yeah, yeah, that's it. I love that insight.
Taylor Hartman:No it's great insight and I think everybody has to make that decision. You know you have to pay your dues, but how you pay them and your attitude about them is critical. That's good.
Cathy Larsen:Good okay.
Taylor Hartman:Number six play to your healthy passions. So I'm not suggesting addictions, I'm suggesting passions. They're just things that make people happy. There's a lot of people in Utah who go to Lake Powell. I love that. They love to go there. I'm talking every year. They love their week on their houseboat at Lake Powell and I have gone and I've done it not my passion, but I certainly understand and respect those. It is. I think it's so exciting to know they know every year that's what they're going to do. And I don't hear any of them saying to me I'm really kind of bored, I'm not sure I want to do it. I don't hear that cat, yeah. So I think people know what their passions are, yeah, and if they're playing to them, their lives seem much more rewarding and fulfilling. And I don't think you can take on other people Passions and assumes they're gonna make you happy. Like stamp collecting is not going to be my thing right.
Taylor Hartman:I promise you right, but I know people who live in that world and they are thrilled by it. So what's that about? Like why do certain passions become ours? Like, do they choose us? Do we choose them? It would? What do you think about that?
Cathy Larsen:That's funny. I was thinking about this this morning because it's like Living passion for me. Some things come really easy, like I have some passions that I. I mean I, I just love some stuff, right yeah, and she was telling me that she struggles with that having passion.
Cathy Larsen:Yeah, and she said where did you get it? And I go, I don't know if I've ever worked on passion. I don't think I've ever had to go find something. So I was very empathetic to the fact that if you didn't have that, that it's almost like I think people, I think it's tied to that risk thing is like go try 430 things yes, to me yes or, or try four things. It doesn't have to be that many. Go try something.
Taylor Hartman:Yeah, that's good.
Cathy Larsen:And it might not be a passion. Like you know, paco didn't want to go. You know I keep talking about this, but I'm sure damn, he didn't want to go get on a paddle board. He didn't want to. And now he's, like you know, like today, like hey, we're gonna paddle board tomorrow, like yeah, that's like a win.
Taylor Hartman:I don't think people are willing to go through Discomfort but to find that passion, right you. But you can't expect that you would know you're gonna love it until you do it Right. So if you don't do it, how you ever know this guy? See who's suicidal? I said go study Eastern religion, like obviously Western, is not working for you.
Cathy Larsen:Yes.
Taylor Hartman:Give me something, comes back the next week, goes, you know. I said did you anything? No, I said wait a minute. You told me you don't want to die, but you're gonna die. So I said why don't you get passionate about living? Like, since you don't want to actually do it, let's go find something that might get you excited to live. No, that's not it. I said okay, but you can't kill yourself till you do it. Like that's the bottom line. Our agreement is you cannot take your life until you do something passionately to live. Once you do that and it doesn't work, you can kill yourself, but until then you can't. Well, I said never gonna happen. You're never gonna kill yourself because you're not committed enough to a passion to live and until you do that you can't die.
Cathy Larsen:That's, it is so if somebody doesn't have one and you know. So you go through the stages of well, you're lucky, you have one. Okay, I'm lucky, I have one. Now, that's established. Okay, I or I have a couple. So what do you? So? So well, I'm nothing like that. That's like people that say you know, I, like some people know what they want to be when, from the time, they're for right, some people don't yes, but you can't not be responsible for it. Right.
Taylor Hartman:You're your job to find something, right. I mean, that's you're. All you're saying is that you're fortunate. That is true, yeah, but you are kind of a passionate person by nature. Yeah, you do, or you earn that in my mind, just being who you are. Yeah, but you're right. If people want, if they, if they want abundance in their life, they have to try things and they will fail many times before they find the thing they love or not. It's kind of like the dating game. These poor people are out dating all the time. I'm saying I'm sorry, it's choose and lose. You got to do that to find them one you want to be with, and sometimes it sucks and sometimes it's wonderful. But you can't not do it right, you can't just not do it. You have to make the effort. I think it's true, pat. Passion.
Taylor Hartman:Yes you have to go try something and once you've tried it, I'm ok with you saying that didn't work for me, bye. But if you say that about 463 things, I'm gonna be suspect.
Cathy Larsen:I'm gonna go. Hmm, yeah, and it's also, I think, the mindset of curiosity, it's like you know, get more curious about yourself. You know, like you can start thinking why aren't I? Maybe you go back to when you were little. What did you do?
Taylor Hartman:What did you do all?
Cathy Larsen:the time. And maybe that was beaten out of you or not beaten literally but you know, maybe that was just not something anybody paid attention to and said let's nurture this.
Taylor Hartman:Right? No, you're right about that. You have to figure. It's still your job to figure out why, yep, and, by the way, it could be a lot of fun in the process. I think about that woman. Oh my gosh, that was like doing 365 diets a day a year and oh my gosh. But the end of the, what she said was oh my gosh, I had so many rich experiences.
Taylor Hartman:It was so great. I didn't lose a pound, but I really had fun that year, Ending up in the wrong places Chinatown one day. I don't know how it got there, but it was so great. I mean, I love her because she actually lived passionately for life.
Cathy Larsen:There was that story, gosh. I wish I could remember it better. Maybe you remember it. It was about the lady. The guy told her to pick up the bricks underneath and there were ants, and tell me that one, dr Louis Agassiz. Yeah.
Taylor Hartman:And in fact it was so cool. In the Amazon our guide had done his research on ants. I couldn't believe this, so I told him the story, so he was aware of it. So here's the story. Dr Louis Agassiz is speaking in this area and he's staying at a place where there's two old women to run a home and she was very disgusted with you.
Taylor Hartman:Travel and do all these things, but I can't because I work all day. And he says madam, what is it you do in your work all day? And she goes I cook, that's what I do. Well, what do you do mostly with cooking? Well, I peel potatoes. What do you stand when you peel potatoes? And she said right here on these books. He goes madam, write me a paper on the nature of bricks and I will get it published and send you the money. She's like I will show you that you're wrong. That is ridiculous. Of course I'm not gonna make any money doing it, but she had nothing better to do. So she wrote on a paper on the nature of bricks. She published it, sent her the money and said what was under the bricks? Ants? The answer was ants. She wrote at that time the most extensive work on research of kinds of ants that existed, to which he sent her the money after publishing it for her, and she traveled the world. It was so rich cat and for me in the Amazon to watch this guide talking about ant hills and hermites and I was just. I was taking back to Dr Louisa Gauziz, who enriched this woman's life by simply saying to her get outside yourself. So good, I'm glad you raised that One last one, then we'll quit.
Taylor Hartman:Number seven grow If you're not growing in some form. I think about this man who's got this new job. He has such a great individual contributor but doesn't wanna have to manage people. His new job is managing people. It's helping them grow instead of him just doing his thing. And I love his boss who gave him the job, because all he wants this guy to do is grow. And this guy is responding and he's growing and it's so exciting to see him actually take on a new level of challenge. So to our listeners, I want you to think about how are you growing Like? What are things you're doing that are giving you stretch marks? Okay, we got a clip for today. Thanks, kat, as always.
Cathy Larsen:Thank you, Taylor.
Taylor Hartman:It was awesome, always a pleasure. We love our listeners, we love the podcast and we hope you have a wonderful week, love you Bye for now. Bye now, bye now.