Very Best of Living
Dr. Taylor Hartman, relationship expert and Psychologist, discusses key insights that he has made over his professional career on what makes successful relationships. His work The Color Code now called the People Code is a powerful agent for positive healthy relationships both personal and professional.
Very Best of Living
Embracing Life's Small Wonders: Happiness, Resilience, and Personal Growth
Imagine taking a family stroll and suddenly encountering two majestic moose. This unexpected moment led me to reflect on the small yet profound experiences that enrich our lives. In this episode, we explore such meaningful moments, including reconnecting with a college friend who faced immense challenges, and the transformative power of education. Kat Larson joins me to share the pleasures of raising children and creating joyful environments, along with the beauty of fall that reminds us to appreciate life's fleeting wonders.
Ever wondered how intentional choices and crucial conversations can shape a happy life? We dive into how focusing on positive actions and resilience can lead to a more fulfilling existence. Through personal anecdotes, we discuss the importance of choosing happiness over worry and avoiding the pitfalls of a victim mentality. This conversation encourages listeners to take proactive steps towards their own happiness and well-being, making mindful decisions that enhance their everyday lives.
Finally, we examine the impact of constructive criticism and self-awareness on personal growth. Understanding the motive behind feedback can greatly influence our self-worth and empowerment. We also introduce my upcoming book, "Hartman Color Code for Couples," which explores relationship dynamics through the lens of personality colors. Join us for an episode filled with heartfelt stories, insightful discussions, and a reminder to embrace the small wonders that make life truly magical.
Take the Personality and Character Profiles at TaylorHartman.com.
Send questions and comments to Taylor@TaylorHartman.com Or Cathy@TaylorHartman.com with “Podcast” in the subject line.
Good morning listeners. This is Dr Taylor Hartman, with Very Best of Living, and we are happy to have you with us. As always, I'm with my good friend, kat Larson. Hello, kat, good morning. Good morning, good morning. We're going to start talking today about some of the wonders in life that are supposed to make life worth living, the things that really kind of matter in life and make life more meaningful. I think it's an interesting dynamic. My wife and I and my daughter were out walking this morning in Sundance and we saw two moose just right there, and they're huge, as you know. I just was thinking of just the small wonders that happen and you appreciate them so much. I was thinking, as we were walking, about other things that I've experienced.
Speaker 1:A great friend of mine reached out to me recently. We were great friends at college when I was 18, she was 18. And she was. I found my podcast and had not heard it, and she listens to it now, and just as she took me back to the days we were together and shared with me the trauma she had come from Parents had divorced Now this is in the 60s, when that doesn't happen and she was living with her mom and stepdad, and then they wanted to move. She moved in with her dad at first and then he died her senior year, so she had so much stuff going on in her mind when we became friends and of course I, being yellow and 18, was oblivious to all that but just liked her, enjoyed her. We had so much fun with this group of friends that we ran with and as I was reflecting on how fun it was to get back in touch with her and catch up, I was reflecting on why one of the reasons I am so pro-education is, for me, one of the great wonders of my life was being a college student.
Speaker 1:I loved going, I loved learning, I loved being with friends. I know a lot of people that are in college are very stressed and I'm like, oh yeah, I know you're right. At that age, things that are very stressful are very real, are very real, and yet for me, those years were like magical. They made all the difference in the world to the quality of my life. So when I talk about education, the reference I'm coming from is how magical it was for me, and so I think that kind of impacts how you see life Like when we talk about family or raising children or whatever. It's not just your attitude about it, it's also the experience you have with it that can make it a positive or a negative right. So I'm talking today about what are the things that have made your life meaningful and wonderful, and or maybe it's not been that way for you. I think it'd be kind of a fun kind of yeah, right, yeah, I love that I love it.
Speaker 1:When you think about your life, give me a wonder, one of the wonders that has meant a lot to you in your life.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm flipping through all of them. There's a couple big ones is, I think, my kids, because from the time I never had a, I mean, of course we had bad days, but it was always a blast with my kids. I always had a blast with my kids. It never felt. It never felt like when they were little. I never felt overwhelmed because we were always going in and having fun, Right. And now that they're adults, it's even. It's even more funner, more funner.
Speaker 1:Well, and they reflect on that. They reflect on the times that were fun. Right, it's harder, had you not been that way, and then, all of a sudden, you're supposed to be that way. You started them young, with fun and engagement. I do think there's a lot to be said for that foundation that is laid early on.
Speaker 1:I think that's really cool, and obviously you and I both have children, so we think about having not had them right. And it's funny. I have no problem saying to people oh my gosh, I would not have missed a day of that. But I am happy that when I come home from a trip now I can just go to bed. I don't have to worry about getting everybody else ready. It is a nice kind of shift in transition, but you wouldn't have missed it, right? You wouldn't have missed the opportunity of being there and seeing that.
Speaker 1:And as we were walking, it's so gorgeous right now at the fall it is, as you know, stunning like, so beautiful. And I was thinking, why is fall like two weeks? How does that work? And winter is four months. Seriously, I'm like, could we not reverse that? Have fall for four months, winter for two weeks? And so I was thinking about some of the clients that I've worked with who have lost a loved one, like a child that died prematurely or a marriage that ended. That was magical and wonderful. It ended early, I guess, for them. That's how I feel about fall. It was so wonderful and yet so brief, so you want to squeeze the magic out of it because it's so incredibly wonderful, but at the same time you realize that it was too brief. You wish it had been longer, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think that's an important part of our life, because we never know how things are going to play out, which is, of course, why I think it's so important that we embrace everything in the moment and not worry so much about tomorrow, but in the moment, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's so true. I was talking to a friend of mine and I think it's probably more blue, but every color maybe does it a little bit where you try to like get into the future and and make sure you're ready for the stuff that is going to happen bad. Or or you know you, you either go, oh gosh, this exciting thing is coming up, or oh my gosh, I'm afraid, because this could happen and this could happen and this could happen. And it really is an interesting thing how we think we can prep ourselves for any of it, because I don't think I've ever been ready for anything bad that's happened to me. I mean, no matter how many times I've thought about it, it didn't get me ready for it right?
Speaker 1:No, and honestly, kat, would you want to know? No, it's coming up next week. Plan on it.
Speaker 2:So do people do that because they think it won't hurt as much? Is that what happens, like it's not going to hurt as much?
Speaker 1:It's very much fear-based, and you and I have talked about how anxiety is so rampant. Yeah, and I think anxiety always is a fear of future, fear of what may happen, and so people think they're preparing by preparing for what may happen, instead of enjoying the moment like when it's here. And you and I have talked about that. You know how much I love to travel and travel a lot, and always have, and it's so different traveling at 75 than at 40. So if I had just waited until 75, I would have missed the wonder of what it was like to travel when I was 40.
Speaker 1:Right, and I think that's what people don't seem to quite get, is that if they don't live in the moment, they miss the magic. And I think you're right. People blues in particular, reds also, and whites can be similar, yellows are the only ones that really don't do that, by the way. In fact, we plant too little, I guess, but I do think that there's that I'm planning for it so that if it's a soft landing or it won't overwhelm me when it happens, and so you're not gathering the nuts for the winner, like a squirrel does all the joys of the moment. You're planning for what may happen if they don't happen, and so they lose that storing up of good things that allow them to get through the tough times.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was in a training a couple of weeks ago and when you're in you know when, when you're in a color code training, you're talking about your strengths, your beautiful strengths, and then maybe an obstacle or a limitation that's in your way and it was like it really surprised me.
Speaker 2:We, we talked a lot about it, the group, we all talked about it, that I would say 90% of them, the limitation that they picked, that they wanted to work on, was worry prone, even if they weren't a blue. Yeah, yeah, Everybody, and and it's funny, and we've talked about reasons why and everybody kind of had, you know, they weighed in and it's of course you know everything the minute it happens. And then they even tell you to worry about what could happen, because if this happens and this happens, then you could I mean through the media and through social media, they give you all the reasons you should be worrying, right, which, when you're talking about wonder, you know there's no wonder in life anymore, because I feel like people think it's covered right, it's like all the information's there, and so they just worry about do I know, do I have the right equipment, Am I ready, Am I prepped for, or you know it just, it was just interesting. I'm like, wow, there's so much worry and anxiety, like you just said.
Speaker 1:So the best antidote to that is go do that is the best antidote. You sit and somebody said recently they were getting a training, talking about crucial conversations. And the person said when do we actually start doing them? So they're talking about the theory about it and what it feels like and the fear that goes into it, but they weren't actually having the conversation.
Speaker 2:Well, july is crucial conversation month.
Speaker 1:So if you pack everything into July, I mean seriously, you got to really kind of have them right to make it happen. Or like, if you're worrying about something, go get an ice cream. Like, go do something that will lighten your load and make you more joyous and happy in the moment. Yeah, someone was saying that the only serious things are death and sickness. So if you don't have either one of those, you have no reason not to be happy. I think it was Rachel Marks. I love that. It's like don't put more energy into negativity and worry about the unknown. Give more energy into living in the moment. Like, for example, you talked about your kids and the joy you felt laughing, engaging, being with them when they were young. What if you had been so worried about money? What if you'd been more worried about your health? What if you'd been more worried about other kinds of things and miss that magic which now has created them wanting to be around you for that same kind of joy.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Now that they're adults right.
Speaker 1:Yes. So I think it's very important people realize that you can take ownership of your wonder. You can make things happen that make your life more meaningful. If you get burdened down by or stuck in the mud with, things that are just consuming you, go do something different. Go put energy somewhere that can feed you and nurture you, and that may be turning off the news actually, it really does bother you then don't watch it. Go put energy somewhere that can feed you and nurture you, and that may be turning off the news. Actually, if it really does bother you, then don't watch it. Go do something that's more uplifting for you.
Speaker 1:Right and I was thinking about that as well on the walk today about choices we bought Sundance probably 40 years ago, oh my gosh. And we bought it because we had an option. We couldn't afford both. One was an African safari and one was Sundance and it was just a great choice. We made the choice to go and buy.
Speaker 1:This place has enriched so many lives with retreats over the years and our family life of being able to come here and now, today, my wife and I being able to go to this incredibly beautiful, reclusive place and enjoy peace and beauty.
Speaker 1:So I was thinking about decisions that people make in their life, choices they make that enhance or detract from the quality of their life, and I think you probably would agree with this that people tend to shoot themselves in the foot more than anything else, which prevents them because of choices they've made. Like, for example, if I take up drinking, I may have a reason at the time. I need to numb something. I want to be socially acceptable, whatever I've been. That doesn't make it a good choice. The fact that I can justify why I do it doesn't make it a good choice. And then I become an alcoholic and then that colors the rest of my life. But that simple choice was made early on, and so when I'm thinking about people that are making choices today to stay with a good company or to change careers, to make their marriage better and improve it, or to leave it, whatever the choice might be, I would hope people are really aware that that will impact their lives significantly, good or bad, depending on the choice they make.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that intentional word. I want you to think positively. I had a coaching client the other day and, and, and it was like you have to, on purpose, do it. Why, taylor, do you think it's so easy to go so quickly negative as opposed to having to work on looking at the positive? Does that, is that a clear question?
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, it's a great question and there are people that are more likely to go negative than others. First of all, right, there's a young man I was just talking to and it was amazing to me how he was in the dilemma he was struggling with. He quit something, but he was not sure why he was so concerned about it. But I said to him well, tell me about times when you have failed and how you've dealt with that in the past. And he had such an incredibly positive attitude. He goes.
Speaker 1:Well, I ran for student body president. I didn't win and I met a lot of great people on the way. That actually colored my life really cool. After that election and I love basketball I played. I put I loved it so much and I tried out. I was cut from the team twice but I also then decided okay, well, I'll play football, and I was the captain of the football team and he just had this incredibly wonderful. He's a blue personality, I'm sorry, a white personality with blue secondary, and he had this and I said to him I'm not worried about you in the scenario you're in right now, because you've always found a way to make bad luck or bad experiences good. You've always done that, so I I think it's personality. Some people have more of that than others. I also think it has to do with lazy being lazy.
Speaker 1:It's easier to be a victim right Than to fight your way back into a positive.
Speaker 2:I think, okay, why Okay, and I know that that makes sense it's easier to be a victim. Why is it easier to be a victim?
Speaker 1:Because I know responsibility. It's not me, like the reality is. I can't do anything about it. I'm stuck Like you know what happened to me, right, so you understand there's really not much you can expect from me. And so they get stuck in the woe is me, I was wrong, the martyr.
Speaker 1:Instead of saying so, tomorrow, what I'm going to do differently is this and I just saw this woman. I love this woman. She's red. She got knocked 16 feet by a biker. She was starting to cross the street. And this woman I'm telling you I adore her. She's so so up with.
Speaker 1:Okay, here we go. I want to. I have to learn to walk again. Part of the brain that does balance it was destroyed, so now she's re-walking again, learning how to. She's had happened once before, not the same accident, but the same thing with her brain. Now she's doing it again. Never once did I hear what was me. Not one time. All I heard was I've done it before and I can do it again Very, but. But the energy she puts into doing it, making herself stronger, was so different than people I've worked with that just belabor the fact that. Why did it happen to me? I can't believe it happened to me. It was so unfair, so I think the fairness piece gets in the way. I think the people liking to be a victim I will be honest with you. It embarrasses me, like if I ever, ever, go into that role, I am mortified. I'm like I can't. I can't say that because it feels so weak.
Speaker 2:Have you ever done it?
Speaker 1:I don't think so. I just don't. I just don't it. Have you ever done it so unfair? And I'm just not that person? I don't. Yeah, I love it. I love that Cause. I think I mean all good stuff. I don't, I'm, I'm, I'm not a doctor, but I, I podcast with one so you can answer this question.
Speaker 2:But so Paco and I were talking about this because we were talking about how he was raised and you know, and and everybody has a raised story good, bad if it was bad so now you go back and you go, this trauma that was the you were hit with at a very young age.
Speaker 2:That can also be really scary because the victim piece can go well. See, it wasn't my fault and we were talking, paco and I were talking about this and and we kind of, you know, swam in it a little bit and he was looking at it and then he just this was this last week, cause he got, he just got mad and he made a boundary and he was like I don't want to talk about those people anymore, I don't want to talk about what happened back there anymore. I know it, I understand it. Now I need to be today, which I thought was really great, because it's like you can keep talking about why your mom or your dad or your, you know, cousin Freddie did whatever they did, but but you do have to draw a boundary on. I can't, I can't spend too much time back there.
Speaker 1:Well, and especially once you've done your work there. Why would you right? I've moved on. They're not moving on. They're still who they ever were. They didn't choose to get better.
Speaker 2:But if you're choosing, to get better, why would you stay stuck?
Speaker 1:there right.
Speaker 2:And is it just more comfortable to be what I know Like? I know this, I know this victim thing, so it's comfortable.
Speaker 1:Comfort's a big piece in psychology. Like you have an alcoholic father and you marry an alcoholic. Why would I be that stupid? Well, you know how to deal with it. You dealt with it your whole life.
Speaker 1:So, it's not right, but I understand why people do it. It makes sense to me. But you can't ever get free of it. If you can't own what happened to you, face it and then move forward. Like, for example, people say yeah, my dad always yells, where's your brain, Where's your brain? Yeah, my dad always yells, where's your brain, Where's your brain? I can't believe you're thinking that way. That's so stupid. Well, Kat, there are people that are more impressionable than others, and so I'm a who is not very impressionable. I'm like no, you're an idiot. Like that's a rude comment. That's my nature. Right Is to fight back, but if I'm more impressionable, more kinder, timid, impressionable, Wanting acceptance.
Speaker 1:Yeah right, I might actually embrace more of that abuse than someone else, right? And so to those people I say you know what? You have, this incredible gift of tenderness and sensitivity that has been abused. I am well aware of that. That gift still stands in my mind as a huge gift, but you can't embrace it fully if you can't let go of the damage that was done because you're so sensitive and because you're so tender and what they said to you was wrong, it was not right. I agree with that. But you have got to step forward and say I don't choose to any longer accept that about myself. I have to let go. It was on them, not me. But if you allow it to stay with you like where's my brain? Like what's wrong? I am stupid If you continue that, then you're doing the same thing to yourself that your dad did to you and that's an unforgivable to me.
Speaker 2:I think that, like God, there's always light bulbs, right? So if I don't accept that anymore, so maybe somebody who has that mindset feels that it's their job to look at it and accept it. Right, Like you, don't you go, yeah you're, you're full of. You know, not my problem, your problem, where somebody who would accept it thinks I, I'm supposed to consider everything that that person says.
Speaker 1:Right, which empowers people who are not legitimate. The minute you let that power go to somebody else who might actually be abusive, you then set yourself up right. So it's really, really important. That sense of having a love affair with yourself, like liking who you are, enough to say that was not right, that crossed a boundary, that doesn't feel good, that ability to say I'm taking that power back you no longer have. That is really really important, very important.
Speaker 1:But if I'm down on myself already anyway, I was talking to a woman the other day who got divorced recently and she's hard on herself anyway and I said well, how's that work with your ex? She goes, it just compounded it Like he was negative and I was negative on myself so great it didn't do me any favors and she's clawing herself out from that hole that she allowed herself to be beat into. But it comes from being impressionable, letting people impact or imprint on you things that are not right, they're not truth, they aren't accurate. They were their stuff, not your stuff, but you made it your stuff and that's where you have to draw the line.
Speaker 2:How do you so? So the the message comes from people that lift me up, right.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:There's enough there. You know, I've seen that people that lift me up make me feel valued, cared for it, important. Listen. People that don't that's I mean, that's a starting point, right. You make me feel like crap. I don't really need to listen to what you're saying.
Speaker 1:Correct, except that, remember, if somebody's giving you feedback, that's truth, but it doesn't feel good, that's still your best interest. So it's more the motive behind it. Like if the motive somebody's giving me information about myself is enhancing, but it's more the motive behind it. Like if the motive somebody's giving me information about myself is enhancing, but it's not like feeling good because I'm not acting in truth. That should not dismiss that. It's the ones whose agenda and their motive is illegit and it's degrading me and has no point of lifting me. There's no value in it. It's not truth. That's where you have to draw the line. So I don't like people that won't take feedback either. Like even good feedback, they don't want it, they're just they're too insecure to take it. But that's another form of self-abuse. The form you and I are talking about is the being overly sensitive. So you're actually embracing untruth that it should never have landed a punch, should never have landed a punch. She's never come in. And I'm sensitive to kids.
Speaker 1:Kids are more vulnerable than adults right, they have like they're stuck in that environment High school, for example. They're more stuck in that little world than you are when you get out of high school. But for those personalities that are not empowered, they really do have to say I've done enough damage with this, I've let it run long enough. It's time for me to take control of myself and my life. And you know the example I've done you've heard, with the little boy or little girl on the beach.
Speaker 1:When you walk down the beach and you see yourself as a young child and you realize you have been doing to that child what you never admitted before. Because you're not realizing that by criticizing yourself all the time, you're basically beating up that little child inside you who's saying will I ever be okay, will I ever be enough? And basically you're saying no, you won't. And it's very tender when you start to realize I am damaging myself. I can see it now in the eyes of a little child. I couldn't see it in my own eyes, do you think there's ever an.
Speaker 2:So what's the, what's the cutoff for you? Is it like if you're 98 and you wake up and you stop doing it, then you've won? Like there's no cutoff, age right, Like you can learn every single moment?
Speaker 1:Such a great point. No, I mean honestly, I am so impressed with anyone at any age who says enough, I want to live life more abundantly, but remember you lost 98 years, like come on. But remember, you lost 98 years, come on, I mean, the longer it goes there's lots of wonder. You missed because you were so busy being stuck and trapped in your own self-denial and self-abuse. But having said that, absolutely there's no age limit, none whatsoever. I love seeing someone who's older and realizes I've let it control me for too long. Remember that blue man I saw who said I have worried my entire life and no reason. Honestly, I'm so organized. I always got everything done, but I always was worried I would miss something. And he goes. I see he was 55 at the time he goes, I'm done, I'm not going there anymore. And see, he was 55 at the time he goes, I'm done, I'm not going there anymore. And he literally changed his orientation to life. So I mean, I was really, really impressed with that at that point, but remember he lost 55 years.
Speaker 2:So the sooner the better. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, because then you can start beating yourself up over that. Oh great, it took me 55 years. No, that's not great, it took me 55 years.
Speaker 1:No, that's not. It has to be thrown into that same pile. You know, and and in all fairness, the reason I don't carry a judgment about that really is some people are more damaged than others. Like, let's be honest, like some of the things that are done to people are so much more invasive and damaging and some personalities are more impressionable they allow imprinting that is not in their best interest. So I don't really judge that at all. I'm just it is what it is right.
Speaker 1:But as soon as you can get strong enough to say I own my life, I own the right to my life and I'm taking that away from you, the happier you'll be. It's a lot like forgiveness, right, like people get wronged, and people that can learn to forgive and move on, free themselves of that person who has already done damage. You don't need them doing more damage, right? So the sooner you can free yourself of unhealthy mindset, unhealthy self abuse, that kind of thing, I promise you you'll be happier in life, you'll take your power back. You, you'll be happier in life, you'll take your power back. And it's interesting. We should probably do this sometime. But talking about personal power, it's so interesting to me. Some people have that I'm going to talk about that. On a parenting one, some parents are personally empowered. They are running the show and other parents are not and their kids run the show and it comes from an internal personal sense of power. Like I have the right to impose as opposed to, I will be imposed on.
Speaker 2:And you're born with that. Pardon me, are you born with that?
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Can I learn it?
Speaker 1:You can learn it Absolutely. Living in truth, by the way, will always empower you personally, always. Once you're clear on truth, it frees you of buying into negative thinking or belief systems or other people's ideas that are not, that are, faulty. So living in truth is a really personal power and journey that you can take. It's not just personality power, it's based on truth you can take. It's not just personality power.
Speaker 2:It's based on truth, and you know someone's crossed that line, have you? I think I've said this before in the on on our cast? Is that, um, I just am fascinated by cults like what happens and I just watched this thing called wild, wild country. Have you the, the guy? What's his name? Aguanuanish, something like that.
Speaker 2:He they they opened this, this city in Oregon, outside of Antelope, oregon. It's on Netflix and he had the secretary and it's. It's this incredible story and thousands and thousands and thousands. They created. They bought a I don't know 6,000 square foot ranch and they built a city and it was full of people that follow this guy, Right, and which, which is fine. I mean, I don't, I don't know why people follow people or what it is, but it's like it almost when you watch it, it's like blind, like a blind following Right, yeah, and I think go ahead.
Speaker 1:It's the belonging like they want to belong right yeah, but that but.
Speaker 2:But it's like they. I don't know enough about the guy's religion, I haven't watched the whole thing or or what, what his mindset is or was, but I just think of that and it's like the belonging piece. I mean at least, least what I've learned from you and going through this process for a long time is belonging to you, belonging to you yourself, like being able to go here's who I am Now. Would that mean I wouldn't join a cult? I don't know.
Speaker 1:Well, if you're solid with yourself, you wouldn't join a cult unless that cult enhanced who. You are Right. But if I don't do my work on myself, no, I would blindly fall someone just so I have a sense of belonging. You remember my involvement with Jim Jones? No, I was very involved with his right-hand person. You were, yeah. Yeah, she watched me for two years to see if I was safe to talk to, and then she came out with the stories of what happened with her with the Jim Jones cult and her mother and sister died there in Guyana. So maybe we'll have a conversation about that on one of our podcasts.
Speaker 2:I would love to. I don't think I've heard that.
Speaker 1:It's very, very intriguing and heartbreaking. But to her point, it was that sense of belonging that people wanted so badly they would forsake their own self and their own values to belong. So anyway, that's for another time. Okay, quit for today. It's always a pleasure. As you know, I love doing these with Kat Listeners. Your letters have been remarkable and very much appreciated. I appreciate you reaching out and letting us know things you're thinking and feeling, and anytime we can help any of you with coaching or other kinds of insights, feel free to reach out to us. I do have great news that my brand new book is coming out Hartman Color Code for Couples. It will be out. You can pre-order it on taylorhartmancom and it will also be coming out end of this year. So kind of exciting. See that we'll take couples by color apart and show them why it works or why it doesn't work, based on how they play out their colors.
Speaker 1:So yeah really good it's really good. Enough for today, and listeners have a great wonderful wonder. Enough for today, and listeners have a great wonderful, wonder-oriented month. Love you, Enjoy those trees, yes.
Speaker 2:All right, love you guys. Bye.