Very Best of Living
Dr. Taylor Hartman, relationship expert and Psychologist, discusses key insights that he has made over his professional career on what makes successful relationships. His work The Color Code now called the People Code is a powerful agent for positive healthy relationships both personal and professional.
Very Best of Living
Unlocking the Power of Emotional Bonds
Ever felt lost in a sea of expectations, both personal and societal, not knowing which way to turn for true fulfillment? Join Dr. Taylor Hartman and Cat Larsen as they share stories of real people navigating life's trials, like a man wrestling with dissatisfaction in marriage and career. Dr. Hartman and Larson explore the essence of emotional connection and the struggles faced when it's lost, particularly the heart-wrenching choice of staying in a relationship for the sake of children. Discover insights about how past contentment can shape present decisions, and the necessity of finding new meanings after losing significant people in our lives.
In our exploration of self-awareness, we unravel how different personality types—red, blue, white, and yellow—experience growth uniquely. Emphasizing vulnerability and discipline, we discuss the crucial need for aligning self-perception with reality through feedback from close relationships. This episode is a call to action, urging a commitment to intentional self-improvement without making excuses for stagnation. We set our sights on becoming more self-aware by 2025, and with gratitude, invite you to embark on this journey of self-discovery alongside us.
Take the Personality and Character Profiles at TaylorHartman.com.
Send questions and comments to Taylor@TaylorHartman.com Or Cathy@TaylorHartman.com with “Podcast” in the subject line.
Hello listeners. This is Dr Taylor Hartman, with the very best of living. My good friend Kat Larson is with us. Hello Kat.
Speaker 1:Hello.
Speaker 2:How is your new year doing? It's good. How are you doing?
Speaker 1:It is good. I like my new digs and I like where I live and yesterday I was walking the dogs and we live right across from like this BLM. It's big mountains not like where you live, in Sundance, but like mountains and there's coyotes of my dog chased a coyote and you should have seen me running through the desert like a wild one, like screaming at my dog chased a coyote and you should have seen me running through the desert like a wild woman, like screaming at my dog? Well, it was not.
Speaker 2:No, because you're trying to protect your dog, right?
Speaker 1:Yes, yes so and my old dog just sat down and shook his head Like my 14 year old dog was like, yeah, that guy's an idiot, let's just leave him.
Speaker 2:And that sounds like life. As you get older. You're like what are you doing? Let it go.
Speaker 1:Let it go, it's not that fun.
Speaker 2:By the way, if you catch it, it's not that fun. Yeah, exactly. Well, it's interesting. I was thinking about this topic. Today we're going to talk about how you make your life the most resonant as you can.
Speaker 2:I was talking to a man recently who is just not really fulfilled. He's kind of sitting in a rock, between a rock and a hard place in his marriage and then not so much different at work, and so I asked him the question so when were you most fulfilled? When was life working for you? And then what is working for you now, and what are the variables that are making those things happen? So when your life was working, what was different? And he said for me it was knowing, like the goal, like I had something I could hold myself accountable to and I liked that. I thought that was really a good point. He knew what his expectations were and what they weren't, and he played to those expectations and when they were fulfilled he was happier. So we went back and tried to figure out the piece of the puzzle together. So what can we do to make something current for you? Like how can we make those things you know work for you, like knowing your expectations, having a goal, something you can commit to, that you're not vulnerable to somebody else about. Make that happen and that's the process we're working through right now is giving him an opportunity to reassess how he wants his life to be. So the best place to start is where was it good? When was it good? What about that was why it was good.
Speaker 2:Now, that also has some drawbacks, and that has to do with people. So sometimes the person that helped make your life what it was is gone, and that's a tough one. Becoming more aware of, like a spouse, for example. I've seen couples that have lost spouses especially. It's weird, but over the Christmas season it seems like that happened more often than not, which is sad. But I see them now trying to put a life together without that person and I have great sympathy for them. I've not experienced that, but I can imagine it must be a horrendous challenge to replace that person.
Speaker 2:Even though you don't replace them, you have to put at least somebody or something in your life to give you meaning and purpose right. So I think finding something that is exciting for you, it fits your intention in life, like what do you want your life to be about, and I think it has to resonate emotionally. I think if it doesn't emotionally resonate with you it lacks kind of luster, it doesn't really sustain itself. So it has to almost be organic. You can't contrive it like, fake it right. But I do think that bringing something of meaning into your life is really really critical to do that. But in this person's situation he was very aware he was not happy. Now some people I found they are oblivious to damage they're doing in relationships. They don't even see them, they don't resonate but they don't know they don't. And when a person tells them you're not resonating, they get offended by that and I find that very intriguing to me.
Speaker 2:I guess, in all fairness, I will say that you have to be able to emotionally connect for things to resonate. So for those of you listening that don't emotionally connect, I would suspect you have a harder time in life than those who know when their emotions are resonating or not. There's people that are saying to me I thought that you liked what I was doing, and people are going. I never liked it, I never said I liked it. Why would you think I'd like it? But they didn't realize it wasn't connecting. I have a woman right now that's going to pause her intimacy connection with her spouse because she doesn't feel connected and is very upset that he continues to do things that are depriving her of trust in the relationship and she's not going to leave because they have children. But she's made a decision now not to emotionally be vulnerable to him anymore. Can you imagine how empty that would feel going forward?
Speaker 1:That breaks my heart.
Speaker 2:And yet she's decided I will stay for the kids. And I don't disagree with her. I didn't look at her and say you're wrong. I have often said to people you should not stay together for the kids. You need to give them an example of what a good relationship looks like. But in her scenario, my fear is that if she leaves them, she'll probably be right, that he will not be a good father, he will not take care of them and she can't live with that. So I, I every situation is different and unique, but this man is oblivious to the damage he's doing. He does not see it, doesn't understand it, and it's sad. It's very, very sad and heartbreaking. So if you don't, yeah.
Speaker 1:And if you don't stop when you talk about there's no emotional connection, yeah. And if you don't stop when you talk about there's no emotional connection and if you don't stop and say he's oblivious to it, is that a choice? Usually yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, you know, I do think there are people that subconsciously just are not really capable of seeing it. They're almost on the spectrum, like to use that example. They don't maliciously mean to do it, but they do it nonetheless. Or then there's people who are conscious and they minimize. It's not that big a deal. You're making it a bigger deal than it is. Not that big a deal. You're making it a bigger deal than it is. So I mean, it does vary, everybody's different, and you have to kind of really dig down to understand whether it's conscious or not conscious.
Speaker 2:But it is very painful when you actually make someone conscious, whether they are or not, and they still continue to refuse to acknowledge it and see it. It's like people that ramble and never connect the dots. They just ramble and you're like what are you, who are you, what are you talking to and what are you talking about right now? They have any relevance to us and they don't see it. They're stunned.
Speaker 2:I thought I was making a point. No, no, you were just rambling about yourself. There was no connection at all. So being aware, I think, is a really big part of what makes life meaningful and you can actually do things about that when you're aware. Like you said, if you're not aware of it, there's really not much you can do. But you can certainly see, if you're sensitive, how you're impacting other people and that should give you like. When you're speaking into a public group and they're nodding off, you would think that would be a sign that what you're saying isn't resonating with them. But many people are so oblivious when they're talking they don't see that they don't connect those dots.
Speaker 1:You know, I also think that people are like, think they're really. I'm probably guilty of this more than I mean not not the last couple of years, but no, I'm a self-aware. I'm self-aware. Probably are the people that really aren't the most Right. The more you profess it the more you got to go hold on. You wouldn't be saying that if you were really self-aware.
Speaker 2:I do like that. I agree with you on that. It's very interesting. The more they boast about it, the more like those dots don't line up, though.
Speaker 1:Right. So so if you're, if you're coaching and and and helping somebody through self-awareness, where do I start? I want to become more self-aware. What do I do? First step is what Biggest thing.
Speaker 2:I start with them what's your greatest pain Like, what's really causing pain in your life, and work back from that. Why is that causing you pain? What are you missing in life that matters that you don't have? Where are you hurting and why is that? That's where I would start.
Speaker 1:Why.
Speaker 2:Always doing that. What are you lacking? What are you lacking that you need to fill and pay attention to, because you can only do so much in your life at one time. So I was trying to guide them to the place that would impact them most positively. And it varies with everybody, so you don't really know until you actually dig into it. And once you discover that path, it's much easier to kind of find a solution to their self-awareness. I also would say to them things that people that are intimate with them family, spouse, kids, business associates how would they describe you? How are your relationships with them? Because that gives me something to work with.
Speaker 1:So do you have people ask for feedback? Is that what that is?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean I want them to give me feedback on what they think people think about them, how they see them. Then I assess whether I think that's resonating with me as accurate or not. So what have people said to you? And when they tell me that, then I look at the relationship the way they describe it today and I'm looking to see whether that makes sense. Is that accurate or is it not? Because if people are up in the night about what they think is real and it's not real, I have a problem with that.
Speaker 2:That's not going to help them with mental health, like someone that says I'm anxious, I'm like okay, well, let's take some ownership of that. What do you mean by that and what causes that and how could you remedy that? And when they give me responses, I have a better way of assessing are they actually really aware of what's causing the anxiety or are they just making it up? They just want to deal with something?
Speaker 1:Yeah, cause pain points are hard, right, cause you don't want to. I mean, I, I, I think it's funny when you talk to people to say not funny, haha, but funny peculiar. When it's like, why do we need to talk about that? Like, if it's hurtful, I don't want to feel it, so let's stay away from it. Is our orientation as humans right? Let's stay away from what hurts.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is, you're right, that's right. And I am asking them to be vulnerable. I need people to be vulnerable or you can't really get inside and really fix anything. So you have to kind of know. You know like a medical doctor is trying to figure out what's going on that's causing the problem, the pain. If you can't figure out what that is, you can't solve the problem. It's no different with mental health. You can't get underneath the covers and find what is driving their sense of loneliness or loss or anger or rejection or whatever it might be disconnect. Then you can't fix it. So that causes a need for them to be vulnerable with me and share that. If I sense they're not being vulnerable, I will tell them that.
Speaker 1:So self-awareness across the colors, the red, blue, white and yellow. Do you think does a color lend itself to being more aware than another, or is this not color-driven?
Speaker 2:I know I like that. I like to think about that. I think whites tend to have a better clarity because they don't flap their lips so much. They're listening and thinking. They also are vulnerable to their own biases though, like if somebody is not acting kind, they then free themselves from any responsibility. So they are vulnerable that way. But in general I find that they are pretty aware of situations.
Speaker 2:I think that blues are very aware of scenarios. They're very thoughtful about things. The problem I have with that is when they are sick blue, they don't see it at all, like they literally don't see them. They think it's everyone else, and so they're the least aware. But a blue in general is much more aware of a situation and themselves in it. Yellows tend to be aware emotionally. They don't tend to actually put much energy into it though, so they can still continue doing damage even though they've been aware of something not being necessarily helpful in a situation. But they tend to be very willing to kind of go to the resonance of emotion. Reds are either very aware or they're not aware at all. Reds have to be right, and so oftentimes they just think they're right and they're not, or they're right at the expense of the relationship and they're not willing to address what it is about their behavior that causes that to happen. They're dismissive, kind of like I don't care, it doesn't matter, it does matter actually.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then so that ego defending the ego thing.
Speaker 2:Yep, absolutely Yep, that's right, and often it's too late. There are people that said I bat my head against the wall so much with this, I'm not going to bring it up anymore, it doesn't go anywhere. And then the relationship gets further and further apart and they are surprised. The red is surprised, like why would that be? I'm a good person, I do this, I do that. They missed the whole point, which is they don't connect.
Speaker 1:So do you? I mean mostly. Self-awareness leads to most of the problems in relationships.
Speaker 2:I think so. Okay, I think it's the first step towards improving or destroying a relationship. I will say, though, the next step, right after that, is discipline.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like you have to do something about it. Right, being aware of it doesn't do much if you don't do anything with that, but if you're not aware in the first place, what are you going to do? So I think that's really a big, just a big step in the process of evolving in life is can you be aware, like? There's certain people, for example, they live in a certain place that is not at all healthy for them, whether it's a location, physically, or weight gain, or a relationship they're in, like a work setting, and they allow it to destroy them, without ever stepping into the vulnerability of maybe. This is not right for me. Maybe there's a different way to live, and I always admire someone who says I think it's time for me to pay attention to this. Whether it's a work environment or a physical location, something you're doing to your body or whatever, I think it's really cool when they're able to go. I think it's time for you to pay attention and then actually make decisions tied to it.
Speaker 2:I still think about this guy, a good friend of mine, who the story is just too funny to actually tell the whole story, but he came home and he was in his suit and the ice and the snow was so, so dense. He came down on top of him when he tried to get in twice, like once the garage and once his door, and I I I've laughed so hard about this so many times, I can't stand it and he literally walked up to his wife and said we're moving, and they moved out of the snow, literally out of the snow. Within months they were gone.
Speaker 1:That was the straw.
Speaker 2:It was the straw and he was cycling every day where he lives. Now he's so happy and I just love it. Took that bizarre moment actually, but when that happened he was done and has no regrets, has no regrets. So I do kind of admire people that leave jobs that are, you know, damaging their lives. They are just changed, kind of a focus of your life, things you want to do that you've never done. I admire that. It's really great when people get that awareness of them. Or to treat like.
Speaker 2:There's people that have always been judgmental and they're like I just decided to be compassionate, I just decided it's not my problem, it's not my story to tell. Why am I leaning on them? They have an excuse. My job is simply to make them happy, like make them well, make them win, make them feel cared for. If nothing else, be kind. If nothing else, be kind. And so it's. I don't know. I like that when someone makes those shifts, but it's always intentional. There's always a sense of why I'm doing it. I think it's important for listeners to think about what's my motive behind this, because a bad motive will not work out for you, but a good motive will actually follow through with good possible shifts in your life.
Speaker 1:You know, last night Paco came home. He leaves every week to go to work. Since we've moved, he has to go back to California to work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and he walked in and I mean just the dynamic, it seems like we talk about it on here and it seems clear and simple. And then you step into it and everything gets really messy really quick. So he walks in. He was kind of I'm sure he was just burnt out and tired from being, you know, staying in a hotel all week and so he walked in and I I was he didn't seem that excited to be home and I was like, okay, well, I'm going to take the dogs. I take the dogs every day for, you know, walk, we go out, we out and chase coyotes, like I told you.
Speaker 1:And I came back and he was kind of distant and I was like what's going on? And he's like, well, you know, I walk in the door and you take the dogs for a walk, right, and I'm like, well, you didn't say anything. And I just realized what I was doing. You know, instead of going to him, kindness would have been hey, you seem distant, you seem dull, what do you need from me? And said, okay, well, I'm out, I'm taking the dogs Because I have more fun with them right now than I do with you.
Speaker 2:I'm going.
Speaker 1:Right and it's so selfish. I realized it and when I came back, you know he just looked so hurt and when we started talking about it and I thought, you know I have Like abandoned, like abandoned.
Speaker 2:Wow, that's so good.
Speaker 1:But I just felt like such a turd. I was like oh, Paco, I'm so sorry, yeah, but as you not had the conversation.
Speaker 2:Can you imagine not having that conversation? Okay now, just take last night. And adding that to 30 years of marriage Ugh, which key people do. And adding that to 30 years of marriage which key people do? They never get right. But you were willing to figure out which is what's so powerful Fixing it in that next two hours, as opposed to 30 years later where you just give up.
Speaker 1:Well, and you are so right, because even in the midst of it last night, not, you know like what we do for our livings, you know like what I do. I, I'm a Hartman color code trainer. Right Is that inside of me was well, he could have gone well, but all this stuff is resonating inside of me to get to that place where I wanted it to be, on him Cause I didn't, and I just, finally, I said you know what's important here? I haven't seen him for six days.
Speaker 2:You know, we tend to offload the responsibility to them. Yes, we don't take them on ourself. And we justify well, I've been stuck here alone for six days myself.
Speaker 1:Taylor, that went through my head.
Speaker 2:Well, it's not uncommon, it's very common, like people getting caught up in how I'm being wronged while they're wronging people. Right, how I'm being wronged while they're wronging people, it's so good and only when you stop and go. Well, now, where's this going to take me? How am I going to win at this one? And you won't. Of course, you can't win when you're also disparaging the other person, right, and yet people. The worst scenarios are when people then go to their friends to validate that they're right. They were wronged, as opposed. To. What are you doing about that? Like calling them out and challenging them to change and grow. So that's really good, well not beating yourself up.
Speaker 2:More messy than it has to be right.
Speaker 1:That's true. And then I beat myself up because I should have known this. I should have known this.
Speaker 2:No, my self-awareness is finally this that's not going to help anybody.
Speaker 1:It's not.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think the self-abuse is never a really good way to go.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but that happens Like, why didn't I already know this man, of course, Of course it does.
Speaker 2:I do think self-awareness is a really tricky concept. I think we say it as though it makes sense to us, but honestly we're all vulnerable to it and we're all guilty of it. That's the beauty of this If you don't have the humility to actually say did I read that right, or is that about me? Yes, or what could I do differently, how could I make this a win-win for that person? I think if we don't go there, we get worse and worse and worse, more and more unhappy, more and more defeated in our lives.
Speaker 2:I think that's what happens I really do Good. Taylor, it's just important for us and our listeners to think about this how can I see myself accurately? Because until you see yourself accurately, you can't change, you can't get better. There's a good and the bad, so don't ever dismiss the good, don't make it all bad, but at the same time, look at what's right and why it's right and what you'd like to add to that.
Speaker 2:What are the elements you'd like to bring. I still think one of my favorite things is when someone says I'm going to work on this trait, that's a positive of another color for six months. I still think it's unbelievable, the magic that you experience when you do that. It's an affirmation of growth and you're not for that period of time. You're not blaming anyone else for anything. You're saying it's in my control, I can get better at it, and that's what I hope. Our listeners are committed to finding those things that enhance the quality of their life and therefore the quality of all the lives around them, as opposed to getting excuses for why we can't be expected to grow.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Well, I won't have anything to think about today. Thanks, Taylor.
Speaker 2:We love this, kath. Thank you as always. Thank you, we love you. We hope we're doing more and more with self-awareness in 2025, making it part of who we are in our daily routine. What can I learn more about myself to be intentional? Thanks for this opportunity.
Speaker 1:Yes, thanks for being here, you guys.
Speaker 2:And we'll see you all in a month. Love you, bye.