Very Best of Living
Dr. Taylor Hartman, relationship expert and Psychologist, discusses key insights that he has made over his professional career on what makes successful relationships. His work The Color Code now called the People Code is a powerful agent for positive healthy relationships both personal and professional.
Very Best of Living
Breaking Free From Your Past to Live Fully Now
Ever wondered why some people achieve extraordinary success while others get lost in distractions? Dr. Taylor Hartman and Cat Larson unlock powerful insights about personal commitment and focus that could transform your approach to life's priorities.
Drawing from an unexpected source—Elon Musk's ex-wife—they reveal how knowing what truly matters and quickly saying "no" to everything else creates the foundation for meaningful achievement. This clarity of purpose isn't just for tech billionaires; it's a principle that helped Dr. Hartman develop the Color Code personality system and can help you stay on track with your most important life goals.
The conversation deepens as they explore character development across different personality types. Rather than merely understanding other personalities intellectually, truly "charactered" individuals actively incorporate strengths from all colors into their behaviors and perspectives. This multidimensional understanding gives what Dr. Hartman calls "second, third, and fourth sight"—a richer, more empathetic way of navigating relationships and personal growth.
Perhaps most profound is their discussion about releasing the past. Whether you're holding onto trauma or past achievements, defining yourself by yesterday limits your growth today. Using an illuminating example from tennis champion Roger Federer, they demonstrate how letting go after each point—whether victory or defeat—allowed him to win 80% of matches despite winning only 54% of points. This same principle applies to anyone seeking freedom from limiting beliefs or experiences.
Ready to clarify what truly matters in your life and develop the character needed to stay committed to your path? Listen now, and discover how understanding your core values can help you say "no" to distractions and "yes" to what truly fulfills you.
Take the Personality and Character Profiles at TaylorHartman.com.
Send questions and comments to Taylor@TaylorHartman.com Or Cathy@TaylorHartman.com with “Podcast” in the subject line.
Hello listeners. This is Dr Taylor Hartman. I'm so happy to be with you again. Every month, I look forward to these experiences. I'm with my good friend, kat Larson. Hello.
Speaker 2:Kat Good afternoon.
Speaker 1:Good afternoon, good afternoon, it is just that. And spring is here.
Speaker 2:Oh, gosh, it's like 75 degrees here today, isn't that?
Speaker 1:beautiful. That is so right. Yes, and that's coming here soon too. What's really interesting is when I'm in Sandy, there's no snow and it's nice.
Speaker 2:When I go to Sundance it's still full of snow is it?
Speaker 1:did you guys get a bunch this year? Oh my gosh, I just came in bunches, even later than we expected, right? But now it's gonna melt. I love march because march is like the world it turns, the earth turns and we, we're gonna win. Yeah, yet again we're gonna win.
Speaker 1:I love that win yes that's an interesting way of looking at today's topic. What are the things that help you win in your life, like what kinds of people and experiences, commitments help you win? And I was listening to one of Elon Musk's ex-wife talk about Elon and she said what I noticed about him is he learned to say no very quickly. And I said, well, that seems very negative. And she goes no. Let me give you the first part of the equation. He decided what mattered most to him and if what somebody suggested or presented was not congruent with what his goals were, what he cared about, what mattered to him, then he said no, he did not get sidetracked into people pulling him into other kinds of opportunities or recommendations, tract into people pulling him into other kinds of opportunities or recommendations. He knew what mattered to him and I was thinking about that, kat, with people in life, do you know what you're committed to? Do you know what you want to do?
Speaker 1:I was thinking about when I was young, 37 years old, wrote the color code and I was devoted to it. I really loved. I wanted so badly to come up with something that would give people a foundation to understand themselves and how to communicate with people, just knowing personality and, as you and I both know, it's revolutionary. It's still to this day, it works, and my goal, my commitment, was to get that understanding so I could help people. Now, I didn't realize it would require me to write a book. I didn't realize it would require me to spend the rest of my life teaching. But so what? That's what I wanted to do, that's what I was committed to. So it freed me of getting sidetracked. And so I think that that's really critical that we think about what is it Jean? On the other hand, my wife, her commitment has always been raising her family. Yeah, always, yeah, whatever it takes to make that happen. She's got Easter dinner already set. Like that's how she is, yes, right.
Speaker 1:So I think people are thinking the listeners, what is my grounding principle? Like, what am I committed to? What do I want to have happen in my life? And it reminds me when I first started working. I was like overwhelmed because I was trying to do a good job and I get sidetracked all the time.
Speaker 1:And finally my boss said you know what I recommend Take the first hour in the morning and just do outbound. Don't let anything inbound. Come and just get stuff done. You know is important to you, and you'll feel much better the rest of the day If nothing else gets done. You got an hour's work of work done that you believe was important. It was unbelievable, kat. That simple suggestion was so incredible to me and I'm such a people pleaser in that the phone ring I want to answer it, and her comment, though, changed my life. I just realized that no, if you matter and you're good at your job and you know it needs to be done, then focus on that for the first hour and then take the rest of the time. That's fine. So that was a very helpful tool for me anyway.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:So I just think people ought to be thinking what am I committed to, what matters most to me? It was interesting. My grandson made a comment the other day. He said you know, I love is that my mom was at all my games and my dad found a way to be there. Now he's a kid that does not need anything. He's not need. He noticed, he noticed, and so years now he's 20 years old. Right, he's thinking back to all those things that his parents came to that made a difference in his life, and that's because they committed that was a priority. If we're going to have kids, I want to be around for them.
Speaker 1:So I don't know what people's are, and they change obviously as you grow. I don't know what people's are, and they change obviously as you grow, right, but we need to be thinking about what is our go-to. What do we want our life to be about in any given period of time? As you know, we travel a ton. Yes, that was always a big one for me, but I almost got it. I almost got it wrong, like I almost. I almost did it instead of getting married. And that is interesting. When you take a really nice goal, which is really good, it's great to travel the world and know people and learn cultures, but I almost I almost erred in making that a priority over getting married and adding that as a priority after I got that.
Speaker 2:Because you were afraid that you wouldn't have it if you got married.
Speaker 1:Yep. And you know what threw me off? What Is when Jean said to me well, why don't we get married and I'll travel with you? And that's what threw me off. I'm like, oh good point, that'd be a lot more fun. So, just, I also want to say to people be careful that you don't let your goal or your driving focus be misaligned. So that that's the other part.
Speaker 1:I think of this man that I knew that, that we go to this um youth camp uh, not youth camp, family camp, but families were there all all week, and every time we were there, every year, he would be in his nose in a book. All he did was study, literally like in a book. And we walk around this campsite and he was reading, and I remember his wife saying if he would just take one minute and look around him, at his children and us, it would be a different experience. But since his focus is learning and studying and developing his intellect, nothing else mattered. So it's a devil's sword, right. But I do think that people aren't focused on something that really matters to them and they let the world take over. Unlike Elon Musk, they will not contribute at the level they could contribute.
Speaker 1:So I got a question from one of our listeners. I liked it. It said are character individuals able to see the world as other colors do, or is it just an intellectual knowledge of what does or doesn't work for them? Well, first of all, I love the question. It's great. I always love anything like that that comes our way.
Speaker 1:I think it's real important that we think about what does it mean to be charactered? So to be charactered, I have to empathize enough with a red to act decisively. I have to actually embrace their gifts to understand them more meaningfully. So I could just intellectually understand something, but until I apply it like the kindness of a white, until I actually stop myself and say, yeah, how would a I deal with that and act kindly in a situation that I would be impetuous, I don't really appreciate the depth with which a white sees things. Now, I'm never going to be white or red or blue it's not going to happen. But I absolutely think that by stopping long enough to learn from them how they see the world, I have come to appreciate life much more abundantly than I ever did simply seeing it as a yellow. So character people are given the gift of sight second, third, fourth sight by looking at it through the eyes of different colors.
Speaker 2:Is that an empathy tool?
Speaker 1:It is an empathy tool, but it's also a commitment tool because you have to try what they do Like. Why does a blue struggle to get over things that hurt them? Why do they personalize everything? Well, when you really dig into them and understand the depth of their sincerity, they really can't comprehend why anyone would do what they did. And since I don't worry about things at that deep of a level, I would never understand that if I didn't dig into there to understand where they come from.
Speaker 1:Now, that doesn't mean that negative traits of other colors are healthy or that you want to embrace them, but it certainly helps you understand them better. The beauty is when you are say, you're the blue who is taking things personally, and you stop and go. How's this really working for me? How's it benefiting the quality of my life? If you're really charactered, you go. You know what I like the way that other colors deal better with that than me. I want their gifts to deal with that.
Speaker 2:And then there comes the big commitment to go. How do I do that better?
Speaker 1:Correct, correct.
Speaker 2:In your life. I know that you're yellow, secondary red, correct, Right. Where was your biggest character learning what color? I think blue.
Speaker 1:I think blue helped me most in my life. To be honest with you, to really genuinely care at the depth that I do. At the end of the day, it really made a difference for the substance of my life.
Speaker 1:It certainly helped me in my marriage, being married to a blue because they are a very critical part of someone's life when they're in it. But to really understand the depth they come from probably made the biggest difference. The one that was probably hardest for me was the white. Honestly, I just came to really just appreciate traits that they have that are not mine, and it's been very their ability, for example, to always see both sides of every coin yeah I find that fascinating. And not to get emotionally hooked in to things with their logic yeah but I would say probably blue.
Speaker 1:Probably blue for me, okay, yeah, and I, and I love it that. That I mean, I don't know what I would have used as a tool to develop these other gifts if I did not have the cover coat right. I couldn't have labeled it, I couldn't have organized it. It's probably a better word. Well, that's the beauty of it. Yeah, I'm trying to learn here, right right. So I I would say that that's probably my, my experience. How about you?
Speaker 2:probably the white, probably white also, because I you know, I mean so many times you go the listening piece of it, how much people know you care because you listen to them. I never really got that. I never really got that. You know and and and really want, really objectively, you know, like not trying to attach anything to it because they're so objective.
Speaker 1:Right, whites are so objective yes, you're right and not attaching anything to it no, I love that no it was so interesting. I had a client um, a gal who's 20 years old and her father, who's a great guy. He came in for a session with the three of us. He never listened the entire time, never.
Speaker 2:In the session.
Speaker 1:What.
Speaker 2:In the session. He never listened In the session, not one time.
Speaker 1:And finally I said why are you here? You don't listen to anything I'm saying. I can't even imagine being your daughter, like you don't ever listen at all. Everything we've talked about here. You just talked the whole time, overrode everybody and he was so stunned like cold water in the face, right. I didn't mean it meanly, I just meant like I don't get this. You're paying all this money to come talk to somebody. You don't even listen to ever anything.
Speaker 2:Was he a red?
Speaker 1:Actually, later the girl told me he went home and said to his wife do I not listen? She goes no, I mean he was not a bad guy. He did not realize he had talked, everything was on his terms, and so I think when you talk about listening shows you care. Yeah, absolutely, it's a very powerful tool, not to make it about you, right. Right, let them express themselves. And so I don't mean people are bad people and they don't listen. I just think they've developed the skill you're talking about. They've never actually seen how much it helps them in their life.
Speaker 1:Right right, right, right so another one I want us to think about today that I've had in my mind a lot lately is spirituality. I think spirituality is given a bad rap from a lot of people. They tie it to religion and they say I have experience with religion or I don't trust priests, or I don't trust organized anything or that kind of thing, and I don't think they ever look inside and go. What would I benefit from having a better relationship with God? Like how would I live my life more abundantly or more meaningfully if I understood my relationship to him? Would that help me or would it not? And I think it would. My experience with people who have dismissed that piece from their life feels more fragmented. They feel less confident, less comfortable, less at peace. I would say so. I don't know how that has worked for you in your life, kat, or our listeners. I don't know how spirituality has enhanced the quality of your life or your relationships. Any thoughts on that, kat?
Speaker 2:Would you do me a favor, would you define spirituality?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, that's good. I think sometimes for me, spirituality is understanding. There's a bigger picture of why things are the way they are. I feel like we are spiritual people having a human experience, a mortal experience. So we are bigger than this. There's more to us than just what we can see here, and that spirituality is tied with a universal presence, a God, a father who cares about his children and wants them to grow and develop and become happy and learn opportunities of life that make them better people. But it's tied to a bigger picture, not just to every day's daily grind. So, like love, for example, I think is a very spiritual element of mental health. That comes from spirituality, not from mental health or just intellect or physical or social. That would become a spiritual gift. That's how I would define spirituality for me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do think you know one of the things that happens in school and in the world of coaching and mental health and you know it really is a safety place to kind of hang out in the psychology, the science-based part of it, yeah, and I and I think that who we can become potentially is so much bigger than the science piece of it yeah, a good insight.
Speaker 1:I would agree with you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, very much so that's kind of how I look at it. It it's like there's just so much beyond. My kids call it universe Like they call it. You know, you know, mom, you're so universe. Well, that's good. So, but it's funny and it's, and it and it is a thing that is bigger than anything you and I can even talk about to plug into.
Speaker 1:I like that.
Speaker 2:So that's kind of how I see it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I like that and it does help you in terms of give meaning to daily interactions, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and having the ability to go, man, I believe that people can grow and can change, and that's not science, that's just like belief in human beings, right.
Speaker 1:You're right, well, that's a good point. That's not science. That's just like belief in human beings, right, you're right? Well, that's a good point. It's not science. No, and I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:I mean, science is great, but we always we discover things later on that maybe we didn't realize at one point For years we believed about Pluto, the planet, and then years later we realized, oh, we didn't have that right. Right, and that's going to happen in all sorts of elements, especially in mental health, because people are so complex. So spirituality for me is a grounding. It's again we go back to the word accountability. It gives more of a sense. Being is to minimize the importance of this experience, is to not see it for what it's really worth and how valuable it really is If I don't have that spirituality wrapping it up.
Speaker 2:And you can't really do. I mean, you can reach a certain you know, like all of it, you can reach a certain level. Of course science is important, all the information is important. They've done some amazing things and we've done it everywhere. We've taken it out of a lot of things in our lives 100%, 100%.
Speaker 1:I think it goes back also for me, kat to truth. Yes, like all your truth.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And once you get sideways with truth, whether it's science or spirituality or religion or psychology or physical fitness, you're in trouble.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:The minute you get skewed as to what is real truth and what is not, I think you're very vulnerable. So I think that's where I tie it. Also Because I think there are eternal truths that are not just personal truths, like what, like how you treat people impacts the quality of your life. It's like karma. It limits you if you are better than or less than others, for example, and I think that's the spiritual truth. It's eternal, it's not going to go away tomorrow, right? Yes, others, for example, and I think that's the spiritual truth, it's eternal. It's not going to go away tomorrow, right? Yes, I think being disciplined is an eternal truth, like you have to be able to discipline your mind.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:If you don't, you'll make poor choices, like you'll do things that are not in your best interest. Any of us who've been to college know that's reality. That's going to happen. So the truth is, at some point you have to pony up to something bigger than you in defining your behavior or it will limit the effectiveness or the quality of your life. Those are a couple Wow, so and and, and you know for our listeners, when I work with people, I want you to know I am very, very strong about not bending that, because there are people that will want me to bend it for them. Yes, and I always say to them you want me to do that because it feels good in the moment, but you will hate me later on Because I promise you what you're wanting me to make okay is not okay and it will not work.
Speaker 1:So I think there's some laws of mental health that I live by that are very critical, and we talked in the last one about. Common sense is one of them. But obviously, when someone is screwy in their thinking, their common sense is not common sense, it's irrational. And, by the way, I think good mental health also has to do with a blending of rational and emotional thinking. I really do believe that, like, there's times you lead with your heart and times you lead with your head, but on balance they have to be blended. There has to be a genuine kind of congruence that they bring to the table for that to be effective. So it's those kind of things I things and I think character people are always on that path. I mean, ever since you probably started that process and I know for me, it's true, it has colored my world dramatically. Like am I doing things that are making me a better person, or am I not?
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And if I'm not, then move on. Go, do what would make you a better person. Don't stay stuck thinking it's okay to be incongruent.
Speaker 2:That's how I see it well, which I think we talked about a while ago, which is like one of the reasons that people get stuck and stay there is because you know it's like that, like I you know, I've been talking with with Paco about this which is like, yeah, there are some tough things that happen when you're young, or there's something that happened and you I think it's important to go yes, that happened and I know this sounds simplistic, so help me with it yes, this happened. That is not you know, that isn't the definition of you. And that's when you talk about being charactered Like, okay, that happened to you. How long do I say I was abused as a child, because there's some really heavy-duty stuff, right, right, but you're right.
Speaker 1:It happened to you. It doesn't define you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so moving past that definition of and it happened, it doesn't define me. People tend to want to hang on to the definition of it because it does what for them.
Speaker 1:Well, it makes them a victim. It takes away all responsibility, like I was damaged. So what do you expect from me?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:There's no ownership there.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It limits you, but you're doing it because it's easier than stepping up and saying that sucked. That was horrible.
Speaker 1:Now, what I can do now that I'm no longer there is this. And, by the way, it also makes you not appreciate what you have gotten to, because you're still living in the past. Do you know? I was listening to this thing by Robert Federer and he was talking about to a college graduation and he said I won 80% of my matches, but do you know how many points I won? 54%, that's it. 54% of his competitive playing days were the points that he won. And he said the difference and by the way, they verified this later, they did a study on this the five top tennis players versus the rest of the 75 top players was one thing they let go of the past. He said.
Speaker 1:When you make a point like your bad serve or an excellent backhand, you have to remember. That's just one point. Okay, move on. If you can't let go of that good or bad hit, you're stuck in the past and you'll lose more. So for our listeners, it's very important that you realize that if you were abused as a child, or if you feel like you were misled by a company you worked for, or whatever your story is, you have to live in the present and anything you're dragging forward from your past is preventing you, good or bad, by the way. I also know people who keep talking about how wonderful their family is and they're like well, I haven't seen anything wonderful about you in the last three months, yet I come from a great family, so what Like? Show me today who you are.
Speaker 1:And so it's very important that people let go of things that have happened Literally, I'm talking about whenever it happens it's over and start with fresh. Where am I today? Who do I want to be? What am I going to focus on that makes my life more meaningful? Hey, who do I want to be? What am I going to focus on that makes my life more?
Speaker 2:meaningful. Can I ask a question real quick, in terms of people that have suffered, maybe you know, physical, mental abuse, those kind of things, fixing that sounds not right. Addressing it in a way that helps you move forward and put the pieces back together.
Speaker 1:Yeah, let's just say it this way yeah, Whatever that was about was about them. It was not about you. And why ever you bought into that? That it was about you is your work to do. Okay. But if I'm physically or mentally abusing somebody, it has nothing to do with the person I'm doing that to. It has everything to do with me. And why the abuse victim takes that on is where they get in trouble.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So you have to start by saying, okay, that's Taylor's to work out, not mine, and people that drag it forward are trying to do my work for me, and until I can figure it out, they can't let go. And I'm like, well, I may never figure it out, so you're stuck. I own you now even more than when I owned you when I was abusing you.
Speaker 2:Of course.
Speaker 1:So that's how I see that. So good, all right, we've got to quit my dear Listeners. Thank you, we love you. We appreciate your interest in what we're doing. We will continue to plow forward. Kat, always a pleasure with you. Same same, all righty, all right, love you guys. Bye-bye.