Very Best of Living
Dr. Taylor Hartman, relationship expert and Psychologist, discusses key insights that he has made over his professional career on what makes successful relationships. His work The Color Code now called the People Code is a powerful agent for positive healthy relationships both personal and professional.
Very Best of Living
What Will Your Children Remember About You?
What legacy will you leave your children? This thought-provoking question frames our heartfelt conversation about the profound impact of parenting on future generations.
We begin with a touching story of a man in his seventies longing for one more conversation with his mother who had been his "rock" – a powerful reminder that family connections shape us in ways that echo throughout our lives. From this emotional starting point, Dr. Taylor Hartman shares his expertise on how parents can create meaningful legacies by first mastering the art of loving their children effectively.
The Color Code personality system becomes our guide as we explore how children of different personality types need to be loved differently. Red children fear failure and need validation for their accomplishments. Blues seek security and reassurance they won't be abandoned. Whites require space and connection on their terms. Yellows thrive when engaged in the present moment. By understanding these differences, parents can move beyond their natural tendencies to connect with their children on a deeper level.
We delve into what makes expectations healthy versus harmful, how married couples blend different family cultures, and why intentionality matters when building your family legacy. Whether your family values emphasize travel, education, service, or spiritual development, the key is making conscious choices about what you hope to instill in the next generation.
Perhaps most touching is our discussion about reconciliation and the eternal nature of family bonds. No matter your children's age or what conflicts may arise, there's always opportunity to repair relationships and reconnect.
Ready to deepen your parenting journey? Join our upcoming workshops designed to help you navigate these complex issues with greater self-awareness and understanding. Contact us at taylor@taylorhartman.com or follow our Instagram for details on virtual and in-person events coming this fall.
Take the Personality and Character Profiles at TaylorHartman.com.
Send questions and comments to Taylor@TaylorHartman.com Or Cathy@TaylorHartman.com with “Podcast” in the subject line.
Hello listeners. This is Dr Taylor Hartman with Very Best of Living, a podcast that Kat and I do on a monthly basis. We'd like to welcome you, Hi, Kat. How are you doing?
Speaker 1:Good morning, how are you?
Speaker 2:I am well, thank you Good. I'm kind of excited about today's topic. I was listening to a man, probably in his 70s, think about his mom and he was saying I wish that I could have one more conversation with her, one more conversation with her. He said my dad was special, but my mom was my rock and I would like to thank her for the anchor that she provided for my life. I was very tender when I was listening to that, and I think people don't often realize the impact of family, and especially with the role of a parent in a child's life. I mean, we know, because we have children, that truly, once you have a child, your life is forever different. It changes dramatically, right, yep? And so today is more of a dialogue about okay, so what are we doing with that? And for some of us, we're under the grandparenting stage, although we always are parents, and for others they're just starting to have their own kids, and so they're creating a legacy. And I was talking with a, a friend of mine, who's been recently to japan, uh, giving me feedback and ideas on our trip to japan coming up, and he said I I want you to know, taylor, that what you'll be most surprised at is the culture. It is a remarkable culture. He goes don't look for trash cans, they don't do that. Whatever you get, you carry to your destination. Wow, and that's when you dispose of it. It's not along the way.
Speaker 2:And I started thinking about that in terms of family and parenting and what is the legacy we create for our children. And so I'd like to start with the essence of number. One thing you must do to be effective as a parent is love your child. You must embrace them as they are, and the color code is such a brilliant gift in that it helps you understand how best to love them. So love is universal, of course, but there are people who prefer being loved certain ways or accepted certain ways, different than their brother or sister and different than you. So, as a parent, we often perceive the world through our eyes and we think everyone else sees the same way, which they don't necessarily at all.
Speaker 2:As a yellow parent, you're going to want a child who wants to go have fun. What if you get a child who's very subdued? Are you able to love that child and embrace them through their eyes the supposedly eyes you put on them? That kind of stuff, as a blue parent high expectations for respect and how a child should perform. My poor father who was blue, he never could understand why I would laugh at him when he spanked me. It's just infuriating him because you should respect me. That's what people do in life and my red mother could care less if I laughed, but she expected me to do what she wanted me to do Totally different kind of expectation.
Speaker 2:So I think we start with loving.
Speaker 2:How effective are you with loving? And of course, I think we start with loving. How effective are you with loving? And of course I will say this quite frankly you may fall in love with your child the minute the child is born, but your ability to love better start before that, because if you don't have the capacity to love freely and abundantly before you have the child, you'll lose a lot of lead time in learning how to do that. So for everybody listening right now, it's never too late to learn how to love and start that process by making it about others and through their eyes not your eyes that make them feel special and cared for and accepted. So that's where I'd start with that and I think we should talk about that in terms of what do you. What is the legacy you want to leave for your children? I just saw a post that a man posted of his legacy is posterity, and my comment to him was you know, I love what you have created, but I love even more that every single one of them adore you.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Like even at the ages they are. You have maintained that relationship so they adore you and for some of our listeners that's been a hard thing for them to do to maintain a relationship, create a legacy, a culture that they value and still maintain good relationships with their kids through that process. With that first concept, when you think about how effective are you at loving people, and especially those who you have high expectations for, are those who are? Different than you. You start with that right.
Speaker 2:And then I think that the color code gives you a gift in that, for example, if you have a red child, the red child does not want to fail. That is a big thing. To a red child, failure is not the end of the world to me as a yellow, but for a red it is deadly. So if I dismiss that importance to the red child as they're growing, I'm not speaking their language. Helping them understand that failure may be a legacy of growth. Learning. Those kinds of things would be a real, valuable tool to give to a red, but not to dismiss the need for them to succeed. That's inherent in them. It's important for them you know, for a blue to actually feel secure. I don't think people have an idea that blue children often wonder how secure they are in any relationship, and so giving them that legacy of knowing that you're not going to leave them, you're not going to abandon them, you're not going to judge them as harshly as they judge themselves, is a very powerful gift of love to a blue child.
Speaker 2:And the white child is interesting. What I have discovered with a white child is almost like you have to love them from afar. You cannot impose on them a connection them, a connection my recently had a family. I'm working with it. It's very been difficult because one of their children does not necessarily like connection and if there is connection it's only on her terms, and so they have had to learn ways to and around that. As opposed to impose what they would want, which is more of a connection and a protectance for a white is a big thing they, instead of fighting you, they just withdraw. So if you're a white child, does that approach to loving them increase?
Speaker 1:their ability to understand and grow in connection, right, like, like. Does that loving them from afar or finding the ways that's most effective for them? Does that allow the door to open for them to become better at so because a white withdraw? They don't like conflict or they, you know they back away from.
Speaker 2:I don't think it makes them better. No, it makes your relationship better, but they will still have to do their own work to learn how to connect. So I think that you're not you're not responsible for their ability to embrace that. That's on them to do that, and I still think it's appropriate to say to the person you need to understand that if you continue this bias, you'll find it limits you in your life with people you want a relationship with. So that's still on them to be exposed to understanding that responsibility. I do know. What it does do is it allows you to have a relationship with them, though, which then you can impose some of your values and stuff more effectively.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, of course, that totally makes sense, I got it, I got it Okay.
Speaker 2:The first thing I'm trying to lay down here is just a foundation for building a rapport. Right, so you're effective in engaging them, right, and then you go with a yellow. A yellow really does like to live in the moment, and if all you keep talking about is mistakes they've made in the past or things you're worried about them in the future, they can't hear you. It makes no sense at all to them. But if you're actually living with them in the moment, that's when you embrace that connection and if you're enjoying them like a yellow does not understand somebody who's burdened by all the troubles of life and they're too immature as a child to understand issues you may have like as a single mom or issues you may have as a dad who's trying to get things done at the office. They don't even understand that. So if you can pay attention to them in that moment, with just them, you actually win a lot of brownie points for a connection. Great, so it's interesting. I was thinking so what is the legacy you'd like to leave? Your kids and mine are all raised now and we're seeing our next generation come up and the together over the years all over the world. And my kids have now come back and said to me how that made travel part of their life. That's what they perceive, what they want to do as well, and I think about why we did that. And I think personally I just like traveling. I love seeing other cultures, I love getting outside of America and seeing other parts of the world. That kind of experience is so important to me and opening their eyes to more than just what you have here and more of a gratitude orientation.
Speaker 2:For those that don't have that mindset, then you give other legacies, like education. It intrigues me. I was raised by a family. Education was a priority. Every one of all seven children were educated with college degrees and it was just expected that we should go and do that. Now, today, I see a lot of people that don't have that bias. They don't feel that strongly about that. They don't maybe trust the education system as much. So it's a different kind of focus that you see today versus before.
Speaker 2:So I think everybody listening to this ought to consider what are the legacy points I'm trying to leave for my children. What are those? I remember one of my assistants at one point when I was much younger. She would take her children every Saturday to some point of interest and service. Every Saturday they would go do a library, they would go do a food bank, they would go do a library, they would go do a food bank, they would go do a number of things in the local community and that was kind of a legacy she was offering her children in their life.
Speaker 2:So I think people ought to think about what are the legacies I was taught, how do those hold up to this day and why is it I'm choosing those legacies to instill? Are they what I was taught or are they something I picked out on my own, that I cared about? And I think that's one of the beauties also of marriage, because people from different backgrounds bring different traditions and cultures and perspectives and then you have to decide what it is going to be for you. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's really interesting to think about, like you know, backwards, because both my kids are grown now too, and that like what did I bring to this and what did paco bring, as parents, to it? Yes and what were our expectations of it, and how did we work together and then work against each other? You know that is a, that's a because I think, if you're not intentional about what legacy do you want to leave it? It can, it can run you, I mean you you don't know what you're leaving.
Speaker 2:No, well, you know, I think that's a great point. First of all, you can't leave what you're not.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So that's important, right. But beyond that, you're right. If you're not intentional, you really are going to miss. It gets away from you before you know it. Well, yeah, let's talk about that. Let's talk about the expectation, as you mentioned.
Speaker 2:So what happens if you have a child that doesn't meet your expectations, like they are not doing what you expected them to do or valued them to do and it's not always true, but typically a parent's expectations are good, like they want the best for their child. I would think in general I am well aware there are some that don't do that, but there are. Most parents want the best for the child. What if the child does not want to embrace that? Like? I think about, for example, these parents that are physically fit and they have children that do not want to eat well and they're just so committed that they're going to help them learn to eat well, and I'm so impressed with that. They work against the child. The expectation that the child will learn better eating habits or exercise and patterns in a young age, instead of ignoring that.
Speaker 2:Spirituality is another one. Where do you place spirituality in your life and do they see that on a regular basis in terms of the family, emotional maturity. If they see petty people talking about the neighbors, jealousy, they grow up learning to be petty and you have to decide what is it you want them to learn? And then I think if we've talked about our number one step, which is to really love them effectively, then you can intervene and you can say to a child who is being petty and you're not, then let's talk about how it's going to play out long-term. It's interesting.
Speaker 2:I've got a situation right now where this guy has shared things with his wife to be totally candid and transparent, and she now is holding that against him and he is torn because he felt it was the right thing to do. But now he realizes the price is going to pay and they go out for years yet to come, and and what I said to him? The final thing I said to him was what I'm sorry to tell you is your wife has yet to do her work Like you did your work Right and you got clean and legit and he was very, very legit the way he wanted to come clean with her. But she's not clean in how she's received it and so now she's withholding and justified self-righteously in her mind why she's that way and so, ironically, when she's feeling like I was wronged, she's now the one who's a wrongdoer.
Speaker 1:Oh yes.
Speaker 2:And that even goes with your concept. We've talked about at times about the parent apologizing to a child. I'm sorry I missed that in you. I'm sorry I didn't see that was important for you.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I think that humility is an important trait for a parent to have, but I do think that expectations play a very vital role. Most kids want to measure up to their parents. Most kids would like to equal what their parents want them to be right Some children. One of the nicest things my dad ever said to all his children, especially his boys, was you are better fathers than I was, and I don't agree with that. I think he thinks that or thought that before he died, but I didn't agree with that. I look back on him as a father, but I didn't agree with that. I look back on him as a father.
Speaker 2:I think about how he and my mom didn't do well for many, many years and he would stand at our bedsides. He shared later in life probably four or five times when he was going to leave her and he would stand by our bedsides and say I can't do this to them. And so he stayed. But we didn't know that we were asleep. But in my mind that legacy of his loyalty to us over himself still stands out as remarkable. But it was a very tender comment You're all better fathers than I was, so letting your kids know where they've excelled is really, I think, important. I really like this about you. I really noticed this about how you were as your child, or I noticed how you did this in school, which is better than I did. I think comments like that are much more valuable than people realize and they go to the heart. People matter, people think about them.
Speaker 1:That's good, I'm going to stick that. You know, of course, my sticky note menagerie. I'm going to do that. I mean I think I do that a little bit, but I don't do that intentionally, and I think that's a really great thing, especially for my blue son. I mean, I have two blues Blue, because really blue, blue, red, blue red, so that's a different one, but but Kay's blue yellow, so I think he really needs that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and appreciates it.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And I like what you just said. By the way, addressing the need of the person is so valuable as a parent, yeah.
Speaker 2:Like not all kids are the same, no, and so what one kid needs, maybe another one doesn't. And here's another one. Maybe you don't as a parent, so you don't think it's important to do. And what you just did with Cade was you may not need that, but he does. So you move beyond your natural need and go to his. I think that's really cool for a parent to think what are the needs of my children? And, by the way, they remain intact years later. It doesn't matter if they're 40 or 50, they still have needs.
Speaker 1:And you know I'd like you to dig a little bit on, like your views on when I have an expectation of my child. I think there's a really fine line of like how expectations can be positive and growth oriented and then how they can be tied to value or not valuing your child Right Like I don't value you if you don't eat well, I don't value you if you don't.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:You know, want the same things I want. And then where we instill our parental responsibility, I'll call it like we think we're responsible to. You know insert this in their life because it's best for them. So it gets like when they're little it's a little bit easier, little it's a little bit easier. But as they get older it gets a little dicey. To let them, let them kind of surface as who they are, that's different from us.
Speaker 2:People are really good when they're younger and they're not great for parents when the kids get older because they're being challenged, right. Yes, and to your point, my thinking is, when it's about you, it's probably a problem, when it's it's probably not. But if my need is to make it about me like I need you to do this so I look good as a parent or that I feel successful, that's not a clean motive and that probably is going to put me as a priority over the child. But if my priority is the child like I can see things they're doing that are like they take shortcuts, they don't do the whole process that's not about me. That's about them learning integrity, and so it's different when you have a motive that is really clean.
Speaker 2:But the expectation I want you to be a better human being and that was one of my son-in-law's greatest comments he ever made was I just want my kids to be good human beings. If they don't like me, that's okay, but they are going to be good human beings and every one of them have really kind of bought that concept. As you watch them, as they've grown up, they have a concept of being a good human being. It's your motive behind why you want expectations to be the way they are Right and the other thing is you may want them to succeed because you don't think you have. That's a dirty motive. You want them to excel to make you feel good as a parent. That is not clean.
Speaker 2:Oh gosh it also surprises you of seeing who they really are as people.
Speaker 1:Well, that's the whole sport parent right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a great point.
Speaker 1:Well, that's the whole sport parent right, like the P. That is so, like you know, like I need you to play varsity and be the star, because I wasn't or I was, and that's the only way I can really respect you is if you are, that yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's really cool when people, especially people that are really successful, are able to separate that and go he's not me, she's not me. They have every right to be a be them, whoever they are. So valuing things in life that are universal, I think it's very healthy as a parent, but when their personal interests pose on a child and cut them out of their own life, that's very cruel, in my mind, very selfish and always comes from insecurity.
Speaker 1:Always goes so quick and you don't even know, and then you're standing there with this broken relationship or a kid who doesn't want to talk to you and so like whoever's listening. I mean it's like don't, even if your kid's 23, go repair it and go have a conversation you know that's a great point.
Speaker 2:I am a big believer that families are eternal. They go on and on and on, long before this, after this life, before this life, across the board. So you're right, don't let a momentary glitch keep you stuck. That would not be in your best interest. And it's fair that there are people that make poor choices and they may choose not to reconcile, not to make their get their head together or whatever, but make that their issue, not yours. Don't give them an out by you being the one that prevents that reconciliation or connection.
Speaker 1:So that's it for today. Now, kat, you want to share with them some things you have coming up. Yes, we are getting ready to launch some actual parenting workshops where you can address kind of every single thing that Taylor and I talked about today, which is exciting, and to keep growing in your awareness, your self-awareness and then awareness of your child and the needs and the wants. We'll be starting in Colorado in the fall with a on-site and please, please, watch on our Taylor Hartman Instagram. Contact us at taylor at taylorhartmancom. Get online. You can connect at taylorhartmancom or kathy at taylorhartmancom. Contact us.
Speaker 1:I'll be sending out information. We're going to be doing some virtual ones. You'll start seeing all this information and if you want anything or need anything, get online and ask us a question and I will be filling you in more on all of these details. But we're excited because, as everything these days, all of the things that you're dealing with as parents and with your families and your beautiful kids, is, we can all use each other and a little help in navigating on this path, for sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I really hope, as listeners, you will engage the process. It's so great to have a community where you can actually get help and support in probably, I think, the most important thing you do in life, which is parenting. So thank you again, kat, thank you as our listeners, as always, and we'll be back next month, next week, on coaching and how you find good coaching.
Speaker 1:Call your mom.
Speaker 2:Yeah, or text her whatever's easier. Well, and your dad.
Speaker 1:And your dad. Sorry, sorry, sorry, just talking You're right, mr General Paco, all right. Thanks you guys, bye everyone, love you, Bye.