Very Best of Living

Learning To Adapt, Worry Less, And Live More

• Taylor Hartman

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What if the fastest way out of anxiety isn’t thinking harder, but choosing smaller, cleaner moves you can repeat today? We dive into the simple choices that change your mental weather: adapting to what is, setting real boundaries, and practicing gratitude that actually anchors you when fear surges. When worry feels like action, we use a clear framework—five to ten minutes to worry, then fifty minutes to live—to retrain attention without denial or guilt.

Together, we unpack the hidden cost of control and comparison, especially in a world shaped by phones and highlight reels. You’ll hear why problem solving is not the same as rumination, how to test whether your motive is truly win-win, and when to ask others what a “win” looks like instead of assuming. We look at expectation as the thief of appreciation in families and teams, and we share practical ways to restore thankfulness before entitlement hardens the heart. From noticing the person who quietly saves your morning to naming the basic systems you trust every day, appreciation becomes a skill—simple, repeatable, stabilizing.

We also talk about healing and safety: why a trusted relationship can unlock progress after trauma, and how clean motives make hard conversations feel lighter even when outcomes stay uncertain. And because life happens off-camera, we celebrate the mundane—small traditions, ordinary meals, brief moments of relief—as proof that meaning doesn’t need a spotlight to be real. If you’re ready to stop letting outside noise dictate your quality of life, this conversation gives you structure, language, and heart to make the change.

Enjoy the episode, share it with someone who needs less worry and more presence, and if it resonates, subscribe and leave a quick review to help others find the show.

Take the Personality and Character Profiles at TaylorHartman.com.

Send questions and comments to Taylor@TaylorHartman.com Or Cathy@TaylorHartman.com with “Podcast” in the subject line.

SPEAKER_00:

Hello, listeners, very best of living. This is Dr. Taylor Hartman with my good friend Kat Larson. Hello, Kat. Hello. And here we are. Yeah, it is a happy new year. And you know what? It's interesting. So uh in Utah, we have had a very California winter, which of course I couldn't be happier about. I'm all happy to have snow in the mountains, but I like having uh green grass. So we got green grass literally until yesterday. So how can I complain, right? Unbelievable. But it made me realize how you have to learn to adapt. You can't just expect it to be the way you want it to be, and if it doesn't work out, get angry and resent, you know, blame the world for it or whatever. And it had a lot to do with what we're going to talk about today. Like over the holidays, people have to learn to adapt to family, to each other, to a lifestyle. It is what it is, right? It's it's not perfect. Now, I don't want our listeners to believe that it's not important that you structure your environment. Obviously, I believe people have the right to bring into their lives people they want and not to have people they don't want, that are harming them or damaging them. Um I just got a phone with a wonderful man who's married to a woman that I have known for years who was sexually molested by her father and by her ex-husband, and she has so she's like screaming inside when she has to have sex, and she wants to get over that so she can enjoy him. And it was just so powerful. She had a dream two nights ago. I've been trying to work with her to help her confront the perpetrator, and she had a dream where she told him off. She told him to stay away and step down. It was a huge positive, but the beauty of this I think came from having a husband she felt safe with, someone she could actually be herself with and not worry, I'm gonna disappoint. And so, and he was so gracious about his interaction with her that it was very impressive to me. But I do want you to know, I think there are people in this world that are perpetrators and damaging, and you have every right to say, stay away from me. I don't want you in my life, right? On the other hand, there's people you can't just say that to and walk away from. Like you have children that are difficult, you have parents that are difficult, whatever. You have life circumstances that are difficult. So it's learning to adjust and adapt to those relationships that I think makes life more successful. And it was like this winter in Utah, you have to learn to adapt. If you're a skier, get over yourself. Fly to Montana. Like the reality is you have to wait till it comes to you. So today I thought we would talk about getting out of your head and being more willing to play in the moment and being able to adapt. I got a uh a text message from a client of mine, actually a good friend of mine, who said, I have everything I've ever wanted. I have the children I've always wished for. I love my husband, I have my health, and all I do is worry. I worry about my parents dying, I worry about my husband's long-term career, I worry about my children getting in accidents. I worry, I worry, I worry. Now, my listeners have heard me say before, and Kat, I know you know that I feel strongly about this, that worry is a disease of the head, or disease of the heart, I'm sorry, that you have to discipline your head to manage your heart. And so the way you do that is you say, I will give myself five minutes to worry or ten minutes, that's it. And once I've spent that time worrying, I have to commit to 50 or 55 minutes of living. If I can't, if I need more time to worry, great, in the next hour, you have five or ten more minutes. But you can't let it run amok. You can't just let it run rampant throughout your head that all day long you're worrying about things that you give license to. Disciplining your head means that you control your thoughts such that you control your heart. So it doesn't own you. Yeah. So one of the ways for people to start doing that, of course, is starting with prayers of gratitude. Like you start the day with what are you grateful for? What's right about your life? And if we're if really all you're coming up with are the same things every day, then you're limited. Like you're not opening your heart to lots of new options. Look outside your window, see who the people are in your life, go through some wonderful letters you've received in the past, whatever you need to do to think about life differently than you are, expand your horizons of gratitude. And it can be a very my most memorable moments have been with people who have been grateful for the most innocent and beautiful things, like just feeling free of pain for five minutes, I've heard people say to me, was so tender to them. So it can be any number of things you feel, but the gratitude will help you be able to then deal with the things you're not grateful for that are harmful or hurtful or difficult, challenging. But if you don't mix them together, you can get stuck if you're not careful in the I'm not grateful. My life's not good. I have lots of problems, right?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, and when you're talking about the worry piece, do you think people feel like it's an a you can accomplish something with worrying? Is that where they get like stuck like I'm doing something? Like I'm actually I'm helping by. How about if I if I problem solve? Does problem solve and worry get woven together for some people?

SPEAKER_00:

For some people, yeah. They think they're actually doing some some good by it. They really know they're not. Like when I really call them out on it, they go, Oh, you're right. I'm not I'm not doing anything proactively to make it better. I'm just worrying. It's just running a kind of a recycling, is what it's doing. Yeah. But you're right. There are people that for moments can think, well, at least I'm putting uh attention to it, right? But that's not worry. Worried is worry is all you're doing is actually reminiscing over what you can't solve. You're trapped. So the reality is, unless you're really coming up with solutions to the problem, you're probably really not solving anything at all. And you're actually getting more and more uncomfortable because you're remembering all the possible negatives that you're creating in your head, which is not a good thing, right?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, I have a quick question here. So when you say the five minutes to worry and the 55 minutes of life, right? So I'm sure I don't really struggle with this, but I but I have yellows don't tend to worry about it much.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. Yellows don't.

SPEAKER_02:

And and sometimes that's an interesting conversation. It's like, well, you know, I wish I had, and it is a choice. Worry is a choice, is what I hear you saying. Also, it is, absolutely. So that's a great place to start, right? Like it's your choice to do this. It's not been thrust upon you by, you know, the universe or God or the victim. Yeah. So I know this is a practice that takes time. So like that 55 minutes, my brain right away is not going to come back to you, right? It's like like I'm gonna I'm gonna worry probably in that 55 minutes at the beginning.

SPEAKER_00:

Right, right. But you have to discipline yourself to say, okay, okay, stop giving it that energy. That's the point. Is that I'm not saying you won't struggle with it. I'm just saying you have to be disciplined yourself to say, no, I I told you I'll give you five minutes next hour, not now. You're actually telling yourself that, right? So you're right, that's a good insight. Let let it come back, oh, wash over you, but then move on quickly.

SPEAKER_02:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

Don't sit in it, right?

SPEAKER_02:

Pay attention to it. Or get someone to help you with it.

SPEAKER_00:

Like, you know, right. But again, if you put your your life in in order so you can focus on things that are meaningful, like good reading, or watch something with someone you care about, or write a letter to someone, or call somebody, ask how they're doing, something to keep you out of that mode of just sitting in worry. That's smart to do.

SPEAKER_01:

Do you think worry any worry is as good? Is there anything we should worry about?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, no, I think worry is natural for some people. I think you you worry about things that you can't control. That's why blues are the worst at worrying, because they want to control everything. And they can't. But the reality is that I can't say to somebody you should never worry. But what I'm saying is put it in perspective. Like don't let it own you and control you so much that it takes you down a dark path. The rabbit hole. That's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_02:

Exactly. Yeah, and I think it's also it's like you you you can stack up stuff against you. I think too, it's it's like, I mean, there is a time that you can turn off the TV or get off your phone to look at stuff that's happening because you know, once you start watching something, like you can get that in your brain. Like that's in your viewfinder, right? You're right.

SPEAKER_00:

That's good. That's your perspective can change, right?

unknown:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

In fact, it was very interesting. I was reading a uh very interesting study recently that in 2010 is when in all Western society, youth became more disoriented, depressed, suicidal, and lost their way. Guess what happened in 2010? Social media.

SPEAKER_02:

Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

iPhones, all sorts of outside influences were dictating quality of life for people, and especially for young people. The irony is everyone that has done anything to create the internet or iPhones has said they will never let their child under 12 have one.

unknown:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, hello. It's like so clearly they knew how damaging that would be. And not that I'm opposed to having media, I'm not opposed to phones, I'm not opposed to any of that. But when it comes down to being able to say we want no phones on in school when kids are learning and people are fighting that, I'm like, what have we? What's happened to us? Like, you don't need a phone in school. You need to be studying and focusing rather than being distracted. And so even disciplining yourself not to use the phone, like you've for adults at dinner. It's hard for adults to stay out of the phone. I'm like, are you kidding me? You're at dinner for half an hour. Just put it away. And it's hard for them to do that. So I think it's important for people to start thinking, am I disciplining myself enough not to let the outside media dictate my quality of life?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. When somebody's in worry, what questions do you ask them to? I mean, like, there's a deeper, there's a deeper fear. Like people are worrying, and underneath of it is it is it like I'll disappoint somebody, I'll I'll lose connection if I don't, I won't have power, I won't have control. Is that what most worry is about?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, it's definitely about control. Like they would like to control, they want life to be on their terms. They want it to be the right way to be. Um, which is not always bad, but it's not necessarily what life's about, though. You can't control it that way. So I I always ask them, what can you do about that? Like, so what is your responsibility in this? Tell me what you could do to make this better for somebody or for yourself. And if they can't if they can't give me an answer, then I'm gonna tell them that your worrying is doing you no good. But if you can tell me something proactively you can do, I'm all for it. Then step in and do that, right? But you can't always control the outcome of life. Yeah. Um it it's so sad to me, Kat. I see these people like I have a good friend who's getting divorced, and she posts so much on social media, like, and she it's she's darling. I mean, I love this woman. And I mean they're going, they traveled to like five different uh countries this year. The family looked amazing, everything looked so exciting. And then she had the humility to post. And by the way, in the fall, my marriage fell apart. And her she was very real, very honest. But I thought all those nine months before that, everybody's looking at this life going, how come I don't have a husband I'm traveling with and doing this with? Why aren't my kids all dressed like that and going these places? Because they're looking at this, and you don't post the negative, and you post the positive. It's like every Christmas card. Oh my gosh, my favorite thing in the world is when somebody, in fact, is it's so funny because my ex-fiance actually sent me a Christmas card this year. I haven't talked to her in 50 years, probably. And it was so exciting because she's wonderful. I love this person, and she's and a beautiful family. And I said, Oh my gosh, look at how great this is, your family. She goes, Yeah, but you should have seen the scene before the picture was taken. And I said, actually, that's my favorite. I that is my favorite story, is what really it happens to the family when it's not picture perfect, right? Right. But I think a lot of people think the mundane or the regular parts of life are not okay. Like they're too average or they're too mundane, and they're missing out on being the star. And we all like like there's places, cat, that they are that they have these great small towns, and they're not a big deal till Hollywood comes in and does a picture using them. And then all of a sudden, they feel special. I'm like, why? Because somebody shot a picture of it? Are you kidding? It was special, that's why they used it, not because you weren't special before. So when I look at a lot of people I know, their families, their person, their relationships, whatever, I think they don't give credit to the mundane, to the everyday going through life together. That's what makes it real. In fact, there was a comment that said, This guy named Pierce Percy said this. The recovery of the creature is what he was talking about. And he said that life, reality, and meaning often become available to us as soon as we stop looking for them somewhere else.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So if you just stop for a minute, look at your spouse, this is what I have. Now, what can I do to make that special? How can I make this moment meaningful? Is a way better better way to go about it than if I had somebody different, my life would be better.

SPEAKER_01:

Gosh. It's so simple.

SPEAKER_00:

You know what? I that's a great point, Kat. I don't think life is meant to be complex. I think the more we make it complex, then we think, oh, well, it's what I was supposed to be. But I find that if you will, like, for example, you know my favorite phrase, get over yourself. If people would get over themselves, I know it's my favorite line because even even when I go there, I know that's exactly the problem. I mean, it's get over yourself. Like it's it's stop making it about you, right? And and it's so simple if you would just not make it all about you. Make it about others, make it about making other people feel good and invited and cared about. That that guy that runs around, I just love this so much. I've actually taken his idea and I do it myself now. It's so fun. You just write a little card with someone, do you know how beautiful you are? Or just so you know, your smile meant the world to me. I I love that he does it. I love that I do it. I love that people get it and feel it. It's so it's so easy to do. And it just reminds people that they're noticed and they're seen and they feel special. I I think sometimes with the color code, uh, yellows think they're special when they're not. So it's easier for us to kind of believe that we are special. Like we we think we're on stage when we're not on stage. But for others, they feel like unless someone sees them or notices them or agrees with them, they are not seen. And so it's it's for those people that don't know that, it's really nice when you can reach out and let them know how much you appreciate who they are and what they're about. I think it's important.

SPEAKER_02:

When you say people be seen, I get it. Like if somebody, if I'm sitting somewhere and you walk up to me, give me a card, I am seen. As as a a little bit more, like let's raise that up a minute for me, um, a little higher view. How do you make sure you get over yourself and see people? Like, what would you tell me? Like, boy, I really want to work on that, Taylor. What are steps I can do to make sure I see people clearly?

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. So when's the last time someone did something for you that you should appreciate? You should have said, that was very thoughtful, thank you.

SPEAKER_02:

This morning.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly. My morning started with us not being able to do the podcast. But Richie came on on its own time and said, Can I help you? That to me was seeing him and appreciating him for that, as opposed to taking it for granted. As opposed to being able to say, We don't need him, we could have done it on our own. Not true. The reality is, if you really look at your life, more often than not, I remember teaching this at the university when I was teaching uh at the university about trust. And I said, How many people did you have to trust to get to school today? And it was amazing how students would say, Really, nobody. I just got myself up and got here. I said, Oh, did the tires on your car work? Really? Did the ignition work in the car? Okay. Did the food you ate, was it healthy? Did it kill you? I mean, there's so many ways we touch each other's lives that if you just have the appreciation for those people who make your life better, that's where that's where I would start.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Just a simple appreciation.

SPEAKER_02:

And and what do you what are people doing that you have moved out of appreciation into expectation? Like I said, ah, very good.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And lost that and lost that humility, that appreciation, that gratitude. I just expect it now. You know, that's a good point. In relationships, often marriage, for example. That's a real that's a dead one. Uh when someone starts expecting breakfast every morning and they even they don't even think anymore. They just expect it, right? And we know how that happens with kids. Like when kids become teenagers, they often move from gratitude to expectation. They get all about themselves. And then they have to get over that, right? But for a parent, that's kind of a tough moment when they're like, when did all of a sudden I just become expected to run you everywhere and do these things, right? So that's a great insight. Yeah.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

That's so good. I mean, and I, you know, I just experienced something in my extended family about this when we were talking about it, which is like, you know, when you finally get when a blue mom, this was the situation when a blue mom gets to that point where they go, Hold on. I do everything.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes.

SPEAKER_02:

I am, I am my car won't start, my this, my dad, I forgot my lunch. I mean, you know, the classic, I forgot my lunch. Right. But but then it goes into when they put their foot down, the other person is so offended. And we were talking about that. My um my family member and I'm like, Yes. You know, and I really worry about the blue sometimes because I think they take it like, oh, I'm not being a good A, B, or C, uh, a spouse, a mother, a something, because I'm not fulfilling. So I do think what you're saying is so critical. Like, how does how it gets real sticky for for people?

SPEAKER_00:

And you like you said, the people that are not real grateful, they can turn it on you. So when the blue mom finally says, enough, we need to kind of do for ourselves here, uh, or you need to appreciate instead of expect. Then all of a sudden the person goes, Well, how dare you? Like, that was very rude of you. I thought you like doing all that for me. I can't believe you're being upset about it.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_02:

I I mean, and then and but but the other thing is, is like we were having this conversation. I was like, did you say that what you're feeling? No.

SPEAKER_00:

No.

SPEAKER_02:

That is really something else. It's like the whole, you know, having a crucial conversation, people, you know, that it's just not easy. For people to have that conversation.

SPEAKER_00:

I think people are afraid to have the conversation because it may be painful. It may not go well. You don't know how it's going to go. It doesn't matter. I want to tell people this right now. If your motives are clean, it doesn't matter how it ends up. It does not matter. If, for example, I'm afraid you're going to judge me, and I have the decency to say to you, here's what I'm feeling, here's why I'm feeling that, and I have a clean motive. I don't care whether you stop judging me or you don't. That's on you. But if I hold it in saying, I don't want to say it because if I say it, then maybe it'll get worse and things will be uh uncomfortable, and then I'm not clean. But once you're clean, it frees you to go really anywhere. I have never found a time when I have clean motives that I've regretted speaking my mind. Never. Now it didn't always end up the way I wished it would have, but I did not feel bad not having the conversation.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, that's magic right there. I think that is, you know, and it's so funny because I do that in our family. I mean, uh wrong and I did it wrong a lot, by the way, like, oh, I I they didn't need to know that. I didn't need to say that.

SPEAKER_00:

Right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

SPEAKER_02:

But I need to read the room a little bit more, you know, like our and to your point, that goes to clean motive.

SPEAKER_00:

That's a very gracious thing to do. You're right, there's sometimes you won't say it. It doesn't need to be said, right? Like, like the girl who's never getting married, you don't need to say to her every time she goes someplace, well, did you find someone?

unknown:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

That's not going to help her, right? You're making that about you. But if you can ask, well, how was it? Was it great? Did you enjoy yourself? That's a clean motive, right? So again, I guess we don't talk enough about clean, dirty motives, but I'm telling you, clean motives free you so much. Like they give you license to be yourself. And it really doesn't matter how the other person responds to it. That's on them. That's their growth.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, and the clean motive part, like, you know, we we talked about this a lot, but I just back to that simplicity is like if you take the profile, living in your strengths and out of your limitations, if you go, I don't know if it's clean or not, you know, you can have a piece of paper in front of you and go, oh, that was this. Right. And most of the time, you know, like, let me ask you this, Taylor. When people get confused about clean and dirty motive, how do you lead them to because you know, sometimes it's not evident. Sometimes people go, what? I was just, or they feel they're in a clean motive because they are uh their filter systems are off or something.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, or they run with uh the wrong crowd and the wrong crowd feeds them false data. But here's the simple truth it's a win-win. Like what I say has got to be in your best interest and in my best interest. So if what I'm doing is putting you down so I can feel better, that's a dirty motive. But if what I'm saying to you, which is painful, is also uncomfortable for me, but I'm doing it because I really do want you to win. I'm sincerely in your corner, that's a win-win. That's clean.

SPEAKER_02:

So maybe you start asking people, because I'm thinking about this because I think people, unhealthy people can think, well, that that should have been a win for you when it really isn't.

SPEAKER_00:

No, that's no. Well, yeah. I was only thinking of you. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

So maybe you ask people, you know, what is a win for you? Because I shouldn't, as I shouldn't assess that for you, right?

SPEAKER_00:

I should not access what you're the only time I would challenge that is if you're a parent of a teenager. You have to speak up because you're the parent. So you may actually set a curfew they don't like, but the reality is as a parent, that's your responsibility. Other than that, like for example, a good point you made. If we're an employee and employer, I should be asking you what looks like a win for you. Like, for example, if I'm going to reward you, you might say it's not money, it's some time off. And I'm I'm rewarding you with money. So if I really care about you, I would reward you in a way that matters to you. So seeking to understand what a win for somebody else is a very good way of looking at it. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02:

Uh somebody sent me a book over the holidays, and it was it was interesting because I was like, oh my gosh, you know, it uh it's a great book. I'm not cutting it down, but it's like I I really think I know we repeat ourselves on this podcast sometimes, but that is why I think there should there should always be people writing books. I'm not saying that, but it's like if you go back to basics, when we bring this conversation back to basics, it's we think there's some magic in other things. The magic is in going back and saying, is it a win-win? What's my motive here? What is clean? Name the motive. Well, you know, what does that feel like when I'm doing it? Am I looking at that other person? Really simple stuff that isn't, you know, but there's a gazillion books trying to teach us to do that.

SPEAKER_00:

You know what? It's a such a good point. I I've always been fascinated from the very beginning when I wrote the color code. It's such a simple truth. Whether you like it or not, you're driven by a core motive. Whether you like it or not, developing character is the way you live a more fulfilled life. And yet people tend to want to make it complex and difficult and they want to be judgmental about the different colors. And I'm like, I don't understand why people can't just take basic truth and enhance their quality of life with it. Why they're always looking for something better, something bigger, something more complex. It's just a human nature, I guess. And it takes humility to be able to stay simple. It takes humility. And actually, Kat, I've noticed that with people that are aging, it almost forces them to simplicity. They go back to a place where they were more childlike. They don't have the complexities anymore that they kind of got into a middle age or whatever. But I do think that your your point's very well taken. Looking for a new, bigger, better is not necessarily new, bigger, and better.

SPEAKER_01:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

Right? Staying true to simple truth is is all at the end of the day the best. And always will be.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I mean, and and we are so far away from, you know, we're so far away. All this information that we have, we keep getting further away from connection, kindness. I mean, I mean, I don't know. That's not fair. I think people really work. Some people really work at that, but overall, I think we're seeing a decline in some of those those basic human values.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, yeah, let's talk about um weight. Let's talk about obesity.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Like, where are we today 50 years later than we were before?

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, are we really ahead of the game? And all those people that were wondering about what kind of butter they should eat or what kind of food they I mean, all of that that went on now. Now we're all gone first full circle back to let's do the natural, let's do the organic, right? Let's let's be more real. So again, I I'm hoping that our listeners will just stop for a minute and think about what are the real gifts in my life and take the time to say thank you to those people and those events that matter to them. I mean, I'm sure you saw our our pancakes on the roof. Like, it's so it's so great. Every year, every year, and it was so funny about it, it's not even a true statement. I thought it was something he did in Denmark. It was a tradition. And I found out later, I misunderstood it, but okay. So every year I love it. We live the fantasy out, and it starts the year out that way, right? And I'm and I noticed I noticed that the people who enjoy that the most are people who appreciate simple joy, simple traditions, simple beauty. And I'm hoping that our listeners this year will find the peace of mind that comes from living in what you see, not what you think you should have, to make you happy. All right, we gotta quit. Okay. Happy New Year, listeners. Cat, it's always great. Here we go again, 2026. It'll be fun.

SPEAKER_02:

Go throw your pancakes.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, throw your pancakes. Love you guys. See you next month. Bye now.