Are You a Hyper-Achiever?

Today on the podcast I share what it feels like to be a hyper-achiever - the good, the bad and the ugly. :0 

As a hyper-achiever myself, I know first hand what it's like to live with a constant pull to achieve and on today's podcast I'm going to share how I've learned to take that energy and intentionally direct it to be sure it's fueling all parts of my life instead of just one.

Episodes Mentioned:
Episode #64:  Leadership & Love with Quinton Reeves
Episode 36: How to Live more Fully Now with Diana Bresnan

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Transcript

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I'm Carla Reeves, and this is Differently, a podcast where we explore the ins and outs of what becomes possible when we're willing to think, do, and show up differently to the moments of our everyday lives. Are you a hyperachiever? If you've been listening to the podcast for any amount of time, you've probably heard me say that I spent years of my life doing more, trying to be better, working harder to gain approval, and check all those boxes that I thought led to this happy, fulfilling life. Constantly in motion, always doing something, couldn't sit, or truth be told, it was really hard to relax. In fact, I didn't really even enjoy relaxing. But the truth, the real truth is that I didn't know how to relax. It felt uncomfortable. The to-do list was always there, always in front of me, reminding me there were things that needed to be done and that I'd better get busy, and an illusion that there would be some point where this would change and things would be different, and the list would be smaller, or the achievements would be enough that I could then and only then finally sit back and chill a little bit, enjoy and feel good. As a hyperachiever, all of this mental noise is so convincing and easy to fall into because we love to be doing. It's comfortable. In fact, for me, it's more than comfortable. I love doing. The thing that caused me to pause was when other parts of my life began falling apart. And I realized that all of this motion wasn't moving me to what I truly wanted, which was deep connections, living without regrets, having a great marriage and a good, solid family life, and amazing friendships, and time to pause and be and savor the moment moments that were passing by so quickly. In fact, friends would always comment, you're so busy. And I had to teach my friends over the years that yes, while I might have a lot of things going on, I always want to make space for the important people in my life. And the work I was doing, I loved, but the energy behind it was tainted with a neediness of approval and validation. And it was coming at a huge or with a huge cost that I knew if I continued would lead to broken relationships, exhaustion, burnout, and more. I did a lot of work in my own life to set this survival way of achieving to rest. Today I still love to work and love the work that I'm doing. I'm still a hyper-achiever. But the difference is that it no longer runs me or robs my life of what matters most. It's a fire that burns inside of me and requires intention and self-control and discipline to channel and manage it to be sure that it doesn't cause my life to get lopsided or send me working into all hours of the night and nooks and crannies of the day. There's still a constant pull as a hyperachiever and an entrepreneur with a mission in my heart. Sometimes I have to, so it's not sometimes, all the time, I have to keep this in check to be sure that I'm living in alignment. This is not a perfect, it's a practice for sure. Over the last year, I came across Sherzad Shameen's work around positive intelligence and the saboteurs that he talks about. And the hyperachiever is a saboteur that he has defined. And it's brought a lot of light to what I've been working on in my life for a lot of years. And I've learned that the hyperachiever part of me can be a saboteur or a strength, depending on the choices that I make. In Shirzad's work, he defines the hyperachiever as dependent on constant performance and achievement for self-respect and self-validation. Hyperachievers are highly focused on external success, leading to unsustainable workaholic tendencies and loss of touch with deeper emotional and relationship needs. In my discovery of understanding more of this about myself, I've also realized that the majority of my clients are also hyperachievers. The strengths of the hyperachiever are they're driven, they're pragmatic, they're adaptable, they're goal-oriented and self-directed. They're capable of growing themselves and the things that they're doing and others to achieve full potential. And when they have stronger, strong inner direction, they can be great at inspiring self and others towards meaningful growth and achievement. And they tend to have created a lot of success in one or more areas of their life. The patterns of the hyperachiever are that when the hyperachiever's strength is overused or untamed, they often describe these types of patterns showing up in their life. They might hide in their work, they tend to over-identify with their work. It's really hard to pull away. They are often busy just for the sake of being busy because it's comfortable to them. I've had people say work is a safe place for me. Those workaholic tendencies tend to show up. It's hard for hyper-achievers to, or it's often hard for them to feel content for sustainable amounts of time. They often feel like they're missing out on being present in the moment because their minds are very active and thinking about the next thing they need to do or achieve. They can measure, they often feel like they can measure success in their work, but it's harder in other parts of their lives. And that's why they tend to spend more time working. And they have a longing or a deep desire to be okay, not always doing and learning how to relax, but they don't know how. It's often uncomfortable, and they sometimes don't even feel like they want that, even though intellectually they know it would be good for them and those around them and their relationships. Common feelings a hyperachiever has when they're overusing those strengths, feelings and unfulfilling results are the peace and happiness feels fleeting. They describe that they feel guilty no matter what they're doing. So it's hard to enjoy what they're doing no matter where they are, whether they're with their family spending time or at work, they're pulled in the other direction, regardless of where they are. Sometimes they hide their work because there's shame around it. They often have a hard time feeling really good about themselves if they're not working and achieving. And so their self-worth or self-acceptance is contingent on that next achievement. And they tend to overwork or feel a lack of balance in their life, but they deeply long to have a thoughtful, intentional way of life. For hyperachievers, the achievement is a bottomless pit. So there's there's just always a next achievement to go after. It's hard to celebrate and feel complete and really acknowledge the milestones because there's always the next one waiting. They can expect others to perform the way that they do. It's hard to relax. They might not even know how to relax, or like me, didn't even know that I really wanted more of that in my life. There's a cost and an impact for the hyperachiever. You can feel it, right? The cost of or impact of overusing the strength can be the cost of your own personal well-being, getting caught in autopilot and that performance vortex, get sucking others into that performance vortex uh while time is passing by. And for hyperachievers, there can also be an impact on relationships. They often want more in their relationships, and it can feel like it's the other person that needs to change. What I have learned is that I needed to change. I needed to let people in. I needed to learn to be okay, sharing my feelings more and my struggles more, and allowing emotion in, even if it meant slowing down. It was about getting in touch with a softer, more feminine side of myself that allows me to relax, that allows me to be without having an agenda or a list, and also learning to receive in relationships. These have always all been really huge places that have shifted the depth and quality of my most important relationships. Here's the thing relationships don't function in the doing mentality, they function in the being mentality. And I just recently did a podcast with my husband where he talked about being. You might want to go listen to that episode. It's uh Love and Leadership with Quentin Reeves, and it was just a couple episodes before this one. Relationships aren't something to be done, achieved. And I remember working with a client years ago, she was a project manager, and she was a really good project manager, and often she would take that strength into her relationships, specifically into her marriage. And when you project manage a relationship or a marriage or a spouse, it has the tendency to suck the life out of the relationship. The perceived solution for these challenges is this illusion that someday it's gonna be different, someday it's gonna be better when there's not so much to do, when there's not the long list, when life is in a different chapter, then it'll be better. And I want to challenge you on that because I know that to be different. And there's also an episode, uh, I'll put the episode in the show notes. It's with Diana Bresnan, and it's about living life fully. And she was a past client of mine, and she was in this situation. She was ready to, she was waiting to retire to really live her life. And what I challenged her on was if she didn't learn how to live more fully and carve space in her life for the things that matter now, if she didn't build that muscle now, she wouldn't know how to do it then. Because what happens is we get in that new environment where we have more time and we just fill it with more busyness if we've never built the muscle of making time for what matters. Is this you? Are you a hyperachiever? If you are, I want to help. There's a huge opportunity to take this strength of being a hyperachiever and leverage it by taking all this incredible energy that you have stirring inside of you and use it to propel all domains of your life forward. It works. I've been practicing this in my own life, and I've been helping clients make these simple yet profound adjustments in where they put their time, energy, and focus. Here are a few things that you can begin to do right away that will make a difference. Start to pay attention to the mental noise. Hyperachievers tend to be overthinkers, and there's a very active mind. And when you start to pay attention to what's actually happening happening up there, you can start to make different choices. And you want to start to call out the lies. The lies of, for me, it was that little monster on my shoulder that was always whispering to me that you needed, you need to be working, you need to be doing more, you need to be better, you need to be, you need to be, you need to be. You get the idea. Start calling out the lies of that little voice that's on your shoulder. Journaling, you've heard me talk about it, and there's some episodes on journaling too, that um journaling can be a really great tool for raising your awareness to what's happening in your internal dialogue. And then instead of doing what you've always done, start to take inventory of the way you move around your move through your day, the way that you work, the way that you, you know, your working patterns and behaviors, the amount of time you actually spend. Really start to look with a curious eye, just with blameless discernment to just gather data. What does it look like? Because sometimes I know for me, I my work patterns, they were kind of like a blind spot. Get your larger goals and commitments for your life written down and in front of you every day. And start to look and see how where you're investing your time, does it measure up and in alignment with your larger commitments and uh values for your life? Because similar to um if you've ever had a checkbook, this is kind of going back in time a bit, but we used to look at a checkbook. You could look at someone's checkbook to see how they're spending their money to see what they value. It's a really great exercise to look at where you're spending your time because it will actually show you what you really truly value. And when you have that information, you can make adjustments to make sure that that's in alignment with in the way that you want it to be. Begin to make more intentional choices in the small moments of your day. This doesn't have to be a big sweeping overhaul. It starts in the little moments of your life where you start to align your actions instead of just running an autopilot and getting sucked into that performance vortex. And lastly, commit to building a strong inner life. That will actually be the thing that starts to fill the bottomless pit we try to fill with doing and achieving. And this is when it gets sustainable. And then that achievement or the next milestone is just a cherry on the top of a great life that you've already made. I love hyperachievers. You get things done, you bring ideas to life, you have an incredible work ethic, your energy is contagious, and I love working with hyperachievers. The goal is not to get rid of it. Hyperachievers love doing, they love lists, they love being productive. It's learning to channel that so that you can create fulfillment in all domains of your life and show up with the same fervor, tenacity, and passion that you do in your work to your relationships and the places that matter so much. As you can see, hyperachiever is a great strength and when overused, can have a huge impact. It's having awareness and the choices you make in the little moments of your life to ensure that you're showing up in a way that moves you into who you want to be, what you want your life to be about, all aligned with what you're here to do. And that's what makes a difference. If you're listening and you know this is you and you realize that you want to shift the way you leverage your hyperachiever in your everyday life, I would love to support you. Connect with me on Instagram, LinkedIn, or schedule some time to talk. The links are all in the show notes. Also, if you know a hyperachiever who could benefit from this message, please share this episode with someone you love. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Differently. I hope it stirred your thinking, and I invite you to take one inspired action from something that stood out to you. If you love listening to this podcast, may I ask you to leave a review in Apple Podcasts. Thanks mean so much to me, and I leave everyone they are a great source of tool for me to advise creating episodes. If you want to hear more conversations like this, follow or subscribe on your Facebook Podcast app and help me spread the word. If this episode impacts someone you know, please share it and pass it a like. Remember, new episodes be next to me.