Toxic Relationships

Prepare to unlock the secrets behind toxic relationships. Toxicity in relationships create a negative and unhealthy environment where it becomes difficult to break free. YNA Mental Health explores the complexities of toxic relationships, highlighting red flags, and the importance of self-reflection.  In this episode, join the journey of healing where you learn to reclaim your mental well being. Tune in now and please remember you're not alone.

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Transcript

0:00

Yna is a podcast that focuses on mental health and other aspects relating to what goes on inside of a person's head. We are by no means professionals in this field and only aim to make these conversations about mental health easier for the listener. Nothing we say or talk about is professional advice unless explicitly mentioned. If you seek professional advice or experience symptoms of an actual mental disorder, please contact a professional or visit your closest center for behavioral help. You are not alone.

U2

0:30

What's up guys? Thanks for listening to today's episode. If you're looking for more of our content and merch information, be sure to check us out@ynamenslhealth.org. Keep an eye out for our skits and upcoming episode information. Feel free to reach out to us on IG. Our DMs are always open and please remember, you're not alone. 8s Hello, hello and welcome back to this episode of Ya Mental Health Podcast. I'm here joined by Cheyenne, Will and Cena, and on this episode, we are going to be talking about toxic relationships.

U1

1:14

So now, what is a toxic

U2

1:17

relationship? 1s A toxic relationship is any relationship between people who don't support each other, where there's conflict and one seeks to undermine the other,

U1

1:28

where there's competition, where there's disrespect and the lack of cohesiveness. 1s We have three stories from three anonymous users and we are going to pick out the signs from the stories of how these relationships are toxic.

U2

1:47

My sophomore year of college, I was dating a freshman. We spent a lot of time together, but it seemed like every day she would get more and more mad at me. If I didn't spend every minute with her outside of class together, she would accuse me of cheating. She kept telling me that I had changed. So, long story short, she ended up breaking up with me and I left and I had to go to my best friend's room and talk to him about what had been going on. She would smoke with her friends and treat me horribly over the phone, over and over. Then she would act all sorry about it. When I confronted her about it while she was sober. I left her once and she drank bleach, had her stomach pumped and sent photo evidence to guilt trip me into taking her back. She also did a lot of self harm, had anorexia, she barely weighed over 100 pounds. Other things she had to kind of guilt trip me with. I haven't had a serious relationship since because

U3

2:44

I just can't get back into dating due to a mix of not wanting to be vulnerable again and having shitty dating luck.

U2

2:51

I was with a guy for a half a year and it was a nightmare. We had a long distance relationship and he was so jealous of everything and everyone. He prohibited me from going to parties. I was about 16 years old. He didn't want me on Facebook without telling me I was on Facebook. I had to reply constantly and tell him what I was doing and with whom I was with. I could not talk to any of my male classmates or any male living being in general. He would gaslight me all the time, verbally abuse me and then would apologize to show affection. He told me I was going to die alone because he wasn't going to be my first and last if I ever dared to leave him. Whenever we saw each other, he would be so affectionate. But one time we were out and a group of male kids passed us. He completely stopped me, shut me out and then after a whole hour I was asking what can I do to help you? What's going on? So he continued to call me a bitch for looking out at them and I was planning to leave him. He also bid himself and threatened me, saying he would take his life if I ever left him many, many times. Sometimes I legit thought he was just going to do it or hit me and.

U4

4:04

So these stories, each one separately from different anonymous users, can kind of bleed into what the signs of toxicity are. And these are the signs of toxicity lack of support, toxic communication, envy or jealousy, controlling behaviors, resentment, dishonesty

U1

4:26

patterns of disrespect, negative financial behaviors, constant stress, ignoring your needs, lost relationships, lack of self care, hoping for change, and walking on eggshells. And I think another one that I would add in there is what we've heard from the other stories was, like, the self harm issue, that this person would continuously find ways to hurt you by

U2

4:53

keeping you in the relationship. And the way that would keep you in the relationship was by making you feel very guilty about if you ever left, that they would do something to themselves, which

U4

5:04

clearly equals toxicity.

U2

5:07

It's kind of like self sabotage. You love the person, so you don't want to see them get hurt,

U3

5:12

whether that's actually physical or

U2

5:15

and you're mentally

U3

5:16

sabotaging themselves.

U2

5:17

You're feeding to their narcissistic traits.

U4

5:21

And manipulation. Yeah, you're just getting manipulated through the whole thing, hoping that things would just somehow get better. And they don't, clearly.

U2

5:31

And I get when you're in those kind of relationships, like you said, well, you really love the person. You care about the person. So when they pull the I'm going to do something to myself to hurt myself if you ever leave

U4

5:44

and that just entraps you,

U3

5:46

especially in the moment. What do you do right now? If that's never been said to you, somebody says that to you right now, what's the first thought that goes through your head? What do you do?

U1

5:57

You're stuck. I'm pretty sure first initial reaction is that you try everything in your power to help the person. I feel like that would be the first thing if you ever heard that. And then pretty much from there, kind of like from these stories I'm pretty sure these users have, it doesn't say how long except for the last one, about year and a half. But I'm pretty sure this is like consistently draining nonstop on their mind and on their mental health too. Because not only can't you said well, that they do and kill up about the person so much, but it's just like there's only so much that a human can take.

U2

6:30

It. It's like when you're put in this position, 1s when you're on the victim side of this, you have to set aside your own feelings to deal with the issue at hand. Because obviously you don't want to see somebody you care about get hurt, regardless of what you're feeling towards them in the moment. And they kind of use that as leverage towards the other person, the other partner, whoever you're with.

U1

6:54

Let

U3

6:55

for those longer relationships. It's kind of like the sunk cost

U2

6:58

fallacy

U3

7:00

in any type of business

U2

7:01

book. How

U3

7:03

much time you've already invested in that relationship makes you want to stay, makes it worth it to you to stay and to have something like that, that could be happening the entire time. You just don't realize it at this point because you've put so much time and effort into that relationship.

U4

7:18

But I mean, even let's go back to what happened. If the person actually does what they say they were going to do. Imagine if the person does what they said they were going to do. And in this story, she drinks the Bleach, she gets her stomach pumped, she sends you photo evidence that she's in the hospital, and it's all because of you and it's your fault. How do you react?

U1

7:38

Honestly, I would even know how to react if I was that anonymous user in that position and

U2

7:44

actually went through and the person did become deceased because of that, I honestly would not know what to do. My first initial thought would probably be that I'm not going to lie. Yes, I would feel extremely guilty because not only that, yeah, this was a person I cared for. But I think for so long the person has endured what the person has been saying to them that this is your fault, this and that. You will start to believe that this is my fault and maybe that person or maybe you start going down the road or down a path of trying to find other ways to cope with the loss of the person or your loved one in this circumstance. So I don't know, I feel like it will lead to a lot of bad things. Maybe you start abusing pills, drugs, alcohol, anything to kind of just numb the pain and just forget about like this was my fault. When in reality you can't see because your mind is so fogged that it's not your fault. 2s You just kind of have to see through like you dread everything that you can. You did everything for this person and trying to be better, showing them that whatever they think of you, that you are not this person, you're not this heinous person. 1s They call you a cheater or if they call you this or that, whatever the case may be, like you're not this person. And I feel like sometimes, too, with men and women, when that happens, that they're constantly trying to defend themselves and prove to the partner that I'm not this person of what you think you are of me, that you think I'm this and that, being out either I'm fooling around, being dishonest, this and that. But in reality, you're not. It's just a constant battle going back and forth of just headaches, arguing. 2s Being treated badly. Called this, called that. Just for what?

U1

9:28

You know what I mean?

U2

9:30

I think when you're at that point, the only solution for either of you would be therapy to seek professional help. But even before then, it's important to set boundaries in a relationship and also look for would, say, red flags or warning signs of 1s people being toxic in a relationship. Because ultimately, if you're at that end stage already, that's the worst of the worst. A lot of stuff has slipped past you. I don't think that it just gets dropped like a bomb on you to the extremes. So it's important to keep a level head when you're dating somebody, buddy, especially if they're newer in your life, if you don't know them as well. I think that you just really need to set that boundary. 2s Different boundaries with the person that you're with. Otherwise it just gets way out of control.

U4

10:31

But I have to kind of play devil's advocate here, Cheyenne, and say

U2

10:34

that you love and care about this person a lot. And so these red flags aren't going to look like red flags to you. And even if they pop up as red flags, you're going to hide them and be like, everything's okay, this doesn't matter. This doesn't matter. So

U4

10:51

you try to personally trick yourself to make sure that you continue along with everything and continue with the story. I think that's where it also causes an issue, where it's like, well, clearly that's manipulation at that point.

U2

11:02

Well, 1s see, the thing is that I know that not everybody is an expert when it comes to relationships and looking out for these red flags, but I feel like the more relationships you end up going into, you need to 1s go in with a mindset that you're still exploring this person. You still are trying to figure out the ins and outs of this relationship. And I think that the people who find themselves more often than not in these types of situations are people who just go blindly into love. I feel like if you are choosing a life partner or want to be with this person for a really long time, there are other things that you need to consider that are not only what's best for them, but what's best for you. So. 1s You can sit there and say, oh, well, I will be devil's advocate and I will say, oh, you should do this and that, or like, nobody's going to do this. But 1s part of being in a relationship and maturing as a person means that you have to face these issues because it's more common than not. And if you want to be in a healthy relationship, you have to know what the toxic signs are. And honestly, I feel like this should be like a class taken in high school where a lot of these relationships become more and more prevalent because everybody's young at that age. Everybody's doing the wrong thing more often than they're doing the right thing. And nobody really has any guidance. Everybody just thinks, like, oh, I'm with this person. And they don't really consider what actually needs to happen in a healthy relationship. 3s It doesn't always fall on the person, but I feel like in today's society, we should have more of an education towards it, but it's also on the person who wants to be in this relationship to know these signs. If you want to mature.

U1

13:13

That's a good

U2

13:13
point. We have, like, what is it? 1s First ones in middle school, like, health class. And it's all

U3

13:21

just about sexual related stuff, but it's not like, what about the mental health

U2

13:27

related stuff? Exactly.

U3

13:29

Even if it was like down the lines of sex, we don't even talk about we talk about what do you do with that? What do you do with weewee? But not

U1

13:37

like like why?

U3

13:39

What's the meaning behind

U2

13:40
it? Right? 1s The mental meaning, rather.

U4

13:45

Yeah. So I think I gotta ask you gentlemen, can you fix a toxic relationship? Before we go into the how to fix a toxic relationship, do you guys personally believe that you can fix

U1

13:56

one? I think that nobody is too far gone. You just have to step out of your comfort zone. Because a lot of people are just comfortable in the relationship that they're in, and they're scared to be alone. They don't think that they're going to fall in love with another person, or they honestly think that this person is right for them and they think that it's okay. Or maybe they pick up. 1s Kind of habits from their peers or from their parents. Also, having these types of relationships or their friends being in these relationships or even having toxic friends can feed into you. Continuing into toxic relationships too. Like cutting off people for the wrong reason or staying with people for the wrong reason, and then people are talking to you and you end up cutting it off even though it was a healthy relationship, so on and so forth. But

U2

14:48

if you ever think that you are in a toxic relationship, I think that you just need to reflect and ask other people or maybe look online. But it's a little bit tough because people online are also even more toxic, I feel. 1s So maybe going to a therapist would be the best option for either you or the person who is being toxic towards you. I think you also need to have a conversation with yourself. I think you need to sit with yourself and think and be honest with how the relationship is going and how you personally feel like it's affecting you. If you personally feel emotionally drained, exhausted all the time, you're like, one of the signs of toxicity is walking on eggshells. If you always feel like that, then I don't personally believe you're in what you believe you're in, because we also mask it and think that we're in a good relationship, that we're in something healthy, that things are going well, and you hide it. But until you sit and have those conversations, like, what does this person do? What are the signs? Like, oh, there's a lack of support every time I try to communicate with the person. It's just not the way that it should go. Every time we get into an argument, it's always, 1s if you leave me, I'm going to do this to myself 2s in the end.

U4

16:16

Like you said, going to a therapist, doing these things, you can fix it.

U1

16:20

But

U4

16:21

on top of that, the other person has to want to actually fix the relationship as well. I think, again, it's like two parties. You both have to want to continue this relationship, and you both have to see growth in each other. And if you don't see that, then you're just going to continue down this road of what was me, why am I still in this relationship? And this is just continuously affecting me.

U2

16:45

Yeah, it's super hard to change somebody. They have to be willing to accept the change themselves. 1s And if they're not willing to change for you, 1s then I would cut them off. That would be my honest opinion. And not in a mean way, but just saying, like, look, you have things to work on, or I have things to work on. And this either isn't the right time. We aren't right for each other. And I think if you can do that, that shows a huge sign of maturity from either one of you. If you guys can agree to that.

U1

17:20

Yeah, I definitely agree. It's going to be a long battle because this is not

U2

17:26

easy and that is not

U1

17:28

easy. No. And honestly, kind of going off of that, I feel that when it comes to these toxic relationships, communication is always key 100%. And you know, there is going to be those people who are just really, really stubborn. They're not going to see it through how you see it. So no matter what I feel when it comes to toxic relationships, there's always going to be one person out of the two who's going to be more mature than other and the one who's more mature than the other would probably be the one to initiate walking out first or kind of just like stepping aside. Because the immature person, I feel like, will want to continue, continue, continue, and say things will be better, say I'm going to work on myself, everything else. But then, okay, the very first time they heard it. Yeah. And then let's say they do that night, they do solve it, whatever, squash it out. But then it keeps on being a repeated pattern over and over and over. Obviously the other person is going to get frustrated and be like, here we go again, here we go again, here we go again. And into the point where it's just like they had enough off. So then it's going to come to the point where words are just nothing. You have to show by action that you really do want to fix this. And basically that's the hardest thing. People could talk all they want. That's the easiest thing people could do is talk, talk. But the hardest thing is actually showing the work visibly to the person and actually manifesting it. That is the hardest thing to do. Rather if people want to believe it or not.

U2

19:01

Yeah. And 2s if you're listening to this, chances are you want to be in a better relationship. You want to know more about the ins and outs of what a toxic relationship is. And the best piece of advice we can probably give to you is to be the person who is more mature in the relationship you are currently in. Take that step, have that conversation and do what's best for the both of. 1s Not just what's best

U3

19:29

for them, but not in a toxic way. Exactly. Don't act like you know you're better than the other person or anything like that. It's more just you want it to fix because you really want it to be fixed. Not to say I'm more mature than you, so, like, you should do what I

U2

19:45

say. And this is out to the people who if you do realize that maybe you are the one who's being toxic without realizing this, and you're mature and you open minded and you're understanding all of this, the one thing you need to do is you need to swallow your pride. Straight up, you need to swallow your pride and just

U1

20:03

let it go. Honestly, just let it go. And then from there, if you really do care about the person and you really mean everything you said, now is the day to start changing and showing the one that you love that you are what you are, and you really mean what you mean, that you want to fix this. Kind of like what I stated earlier. You don't want to keep talking. Just show them and like I said, just wall your pride if they're going to keep on bickering you and this and that, because 1s they seen. 1s I'm not going to say the worst out of you, but like the slump that you're going through. But just change it. I promise you, if you just change it and just be eye to eye with them, connect with them, be open with them, they'll be open with you because they're not fighting with you just to egg on you or just bit you out. Basically, 1s they know they see the best version out of you. So just do it. Honestly, just do it. Yeah. And not everybody's like a saint. Not everybody knows the right thing to do. 1s Sometimes they just need that call out in their life for them to reflect and be like, you know what? Maybe I am being an asshole. Maybe I am being toxic, and it might be scary to do. But

U2

21:22

I believe that as us, as humans, we all have a good side that shows more than our bad side. So you just need to make that come to light more than their bad side.

U1

21:34

That's true. And I'm going to be real. I got called up before, too. I get called out and I'm going to lie. Before, I used to be petty about it. I'm going to be real. I used to be petty as hell and be like, oh, 1s you're talking out of your ass. This and that. I used to be like that, don't get me wrong. But then it 1s took me a while to figure it out. And then now, as of this year, I started seeing mass improvements. For example, when I do fight with my partner, I'm not the way how I used to be before. I used to not get so offended. Bought her all that stuff? No, I actually took it. 1s Swallowed my pride. And then I listened. And 1s it was honestly the best thing, because now there's no yelling, there's no arguing, there's no fighting, there's no nitpicking at each other, trying to get, like, a sleazy edge on each another. It is grown, mature conversation.

U4

22:32

What made you want to change? What changed?

U1

22:36

Pretty much what changed was

U2

22:40

that I was just tired of the fighting and arguing, fighting, arguing, and then how we would get towards each other. And I didn't like it. I know she didn't like it, but yet it just kept on happening and happening because we were just so pissed at each other. And then so then we finally took, like, a seat back, you know, give us time to think everything through. Sometimes would be like a couple of hours, maybe even more than that, maybe even a day. And then

U1

23:13

once when all the steam was out of me and her too.

U2

23:18

We'll get back to it. We will discuss, okay, let's have a mature conversation. Like, we're not going to argue. We're not going to yell this and that. Give me your pinpoints. Why you're upset? Give me your pinpoint on why I'm upset. We listen through and then we went through with each other. Okay, this is why you're upset. Okay, this is why I see maybe you're wrong on this or maybe you're wrong on this. And then instead of just fighting, saying, oh, no, you're bullshit to me or blah, blah, blah, this and that, like, okay, maybe your eyes, you see different. Maybe to my eyes I see it different. Okay, how can we compromise on that? So next time, if that

U1

23:53
were to happen, 1s it wouldn't be a problem. You know what I mean? It wouldn't be a problem.

U2

24:00

There's a saying that I like, and it's time heals all wounds. I really think that if you sit back and you really think about what had transpired, whether it's an argument or any type of conflict between you and your partner, 1s you really have a chance to think about what has happened. 2s They have a chance to think about what has happened, even if it is a day, a couple of hours, weeks, a month, however long you need. But there have been times where I've been super reactive in a relationship same because. 1s I let my pride, I let my ego 1s kind of drag me down to a level where I normally wouldn't if I actually thought through my actions. And sometimes you just need to think. And most of the times when I've given myself that time, I've come back, I've apologized, I've realized what I have done. I've realized what the other person has done. And the same has gone. The same goes for them, too. Sometimes you just need that time to really reflect on everything that's happened in a relationship. And I think that taking that break also shows a sign of maturity from either one of you. And these are signs to fix a toxic relationship if you can. Acceptance of responsibility. Willingness to invest if shift from blaming to understanding. Open to outside help. Willing to change. Recognize the lack of affection, trust, respect, and are willing to work on it. Can communicate in healthy way without excessive blaming or judgment. And I think

U1

25:44
from what Brandon had said before, when it's the.

U2

25:48

Toxic person or the person being toxic to the other that is able to talk with themselves and a mixture of what you said as well and realize that, hey, maybe I'm being toxic. Maybe what I'm doing is toxic, or the way I'm acting or phrasing questions, is toxic? When that person is the person who realizes that something needs to change, usually their repair process is

U3

26:13

way faster than the other way around. Right? Yeah. Because the other way around, that toxic person hasn't even realized it's a problem

U1

26:19

yet. Yeah, it is. And honestly I'll be honest. When I was being toxic 1s about the repair process, when I was being toxic, the repair process was so long. But then when I finally saw my ways through and saw the things that I needed to fix on because I was before, like I said, I was stubborn to not see things through.

U2

26:40

And when I sat down and actually looked myself in the mirror and I was like, damn, okay, I'll get mad about this, but what am I doing? So I would really sit there and I was just, like, thinking analyze in my chair and just be like, okay. And try to remember the days when I was being toxic. And then, okay, I see why now. But then now when I do have arguments or even little fights here and there. 1s My response

U1

27:04

and the way I go about things has improved a lot more, and I can say that I'm pretty proud of that. I'm pretty proud of that. Yeah. Self

U3

27:11

reflection is extremely important,

U2

27:14

like the things that we've talked about on this podcast. To really understand where you're going, you need to understand not only yourself, your emotions, your feelings, but understand what kind of relationship you're in and figure out what's best for you. And once you figure that out, you'll be able to understand whether you're in a toxic relationship and how to leave one. And I think it kind of moves into the next question is how do we move forward from the toxic relationship? Whether that's breaking up with the person and then trying to date again or if it's trying to move forward in your relationship, in your toxic relationship and trying to make it not toxic anymore, we've kind of go into this new thought process of understanding what is abuse versus toxicity. And to give a real quick example of the difference between abuse and toxicity. Abuse stems from a desire to hold power over someone else and control the behavior. While toxicity can take many forms, including emotional or verbal abuse, still it's not always possible to

draw a clear line between tox and abuse. And so there will always be gray boundaries between these two. And I think the one thing to really understand is how this person treats you, and you'll kind of get a grasp on whether this is abuse or this is toxicity. Have you guys ever felt the difference? Have you felt like they've mixed? What is your perception of between abuse and toxicity?

U1

28:41

For me,

U2

28:43

I'm probably going to be very vague with this, because when I think of abuse, I think of, like, physical altercation. That's what I personally think. And I'm pretty sure there's more that goes into the abuse that doesn't involve physical that doesn't involve physical altercation, but I haven't experienced that yet, you know what I mean? So I would say maybe, like, somewhere to you lay your hand on your partner or you're up in their face, basically. Well, basically up in your face is kind of, you know what? Yeah, up in your face is abuse. Yeah. 2s Shouting match. Yeah, shouting match. Physical education, things into that. So I feel like that is abuse. Toxicity. 2s I would say with toxicity, this would be more towards

U1

29:25

making you feel that you're at fault for everything. Or kind of like from the stories from the beginning of the episode, that you can't do anything, that you got to be walking to eggshells. That's toxic. If you have to walk on eggshells and you have to calculate every pattern to be perfect just so you could avoid altercation, avoid fighting with them or arguing with them, I feel like that's more of a toxic thing, rather, with abuses. Physical stuff up in your face, screaming at you, shouting, threatening. That's good. I like that,

U3

29:58

the way you described that.

U2

30:01

The. How

U3

30:02

what guides your actions? Is it are you doing something for somebody because you like them, or are you doing something a certain way because you don't want to start something? Or you know what?

U1

30:13

I think it's I think it's because you don't want to piss them off. So honestly, the love is basically out of the equation. You're not in a relationship anymore. You're in a toxic relationship.

U3

30:22

Yeah. Like, your actions are no longer in love. It's in avoiding conflict. And

U2

30:27

maybe like, 5% is. Maybe like, you still want the person, but it's just like, for some reason, you see this person as being your everything, but then you just want to deny the fact that you really can't do the things you used to do before

U1

30:42

any relationship, and all of a sudden, it's a problem. You know what I mean? I just

U3

30:47

thought of a good question.

U1

30:50

So somebody extremely toxic, right? And you're in a situation where you're beginning to say for a couple of months now, you're starting to act in a way that you

U3

31:03

are just what we talked about not acting in love. You're acting to avoid conflict. 2s And now 1s because you are now acting that way,

U2

31:13

you stop

U3

31:16

trying to act in love altogether because it always results in acting in conflict. Are you now

U1

31:24

a cause

U3

31:25
of part of the toxicity in the relationship? U2

31:28

Yeah. Because you're letting it happen.

U1

31:30

I'll say, yeah, that makes sense. Right? Yeah. You're letting it happen rather than or is that like self sabotage? Right? Because not both. I think we talked a little bit before we started, right. Where there's a difference between intentionally toxic relationships like somebody's straight up being an asshole, like gaslighting you or maybe there's abuse or anything along those lines. Then there's also kind of what I just said a second ago. You don't mean to be toxic, but that is being toxic to the other person or if anything, yourself. So

U2

32:05

what my question is where's the line between

U3

32:09

what's healthy and not healthy? Right. Because no relationship is perfect. No person themselves are perfect.

U1

32:17

But where's the line that we can can we even make a line? Is it a thing? Is there appropriate amount of toxicity or not necessarily toxicity? But is it good to be in a relationship that is sometimes unhealthy? Because those unhealthy times might lead to a better relationship and a longer loving lasting relationship, right?

U3

32:38

Yeah. It's not always meant to be happy. Giddy

U1

32:40

giddy. But

U3

32:43

what's the line? What's toxic?

U2

32:46

I think the line just comes from repetitive actions because obviously if somebody slips up once, you can't just label them as a toxic person. 1s This needs to be a consistent action that they take upon you to either belittle you to have control over you or to just have themselves be a higher person than you. But 1s I don't know. I don't really think

U3

33:21

I think we all can understand what toxic relationship is. Right. We can draw a pretty

U2

33:25

broad line, but in terms of when are you I think I'm just going down the road of self sabotaging, which is toxic to yourself, but indirectly you're being toxic to the other person, but you don't realize you're not intentionally doing it. You've, as

U3

33:42

the target of the toxic person, are suffering. So now you're doing it on intentionally.

U2

33:50

I think people need to be more expressive of their feelings and not bottle things up, because that will be the only way that a situation like this gets out of hand. Yeah. 1s Like you just you need to call things out as they are. You need to express yourself. You need to be on the same 1s field as your partner. 2s There's no other way to go about it. I think a good metric is when you think to yourself, like, just in your thoughts

U3

34:26

and you think of a situation that you're going to do something your partner doesn't like. Do you immediately think, 1s does this make me happy? How does this affect me? Or do you immediately think 1s the other person wouldn't like that

U2

34:43

because you're just thinking to yourself, the other person isn't even involved. Can you talk with yourself without thinking about the other person? Can you exclude them from your thoughts to make sure that you yourself are happy or 1s doing what you want to do? Anything?

U1

34:59

Okay. I feel like if the person is so toxic to you, that kind of like what we described earlier, walking on eggshells and it's just like there's no love into it. I feel like you do have the right to exclude them, but then the next thing I'm talking about is for maybe it's not toxic, but maybe it's like a concern. But if you and your partner are mature and let's say you do do something and it kind of does upset them, but then you talk it over with them, and then so next time they say you were to do it again or whatever you went to or whatever got the med. Maybe there is a solution where they could do what you do. But maybe, let's

say, for example, maybe you tell the person, hey, I'm going to be doing this for tonight. Maybe give them like, I don't know, a couple of days in advance. They don't have a mature conversation because, you know, of course your partner wants to spend time with you, you want to spend time together, this and that. So, hey, let's say, for example, I'm going to be one. I'm going to be going on a trip out of state for this amount of days. And you could say honey, this is what I'm doing this day and this day I'm here doing that. I feel like kind of giving them the heads up and also real time telling them this is what you're doing just in case. 1s Who knows? Maybe they're just concerned. What if something were to happen to you? I feel like that's mature way in an open mind way. But then rather than toxic way you could say all that stuff. But let's say the toxic person is like oh no, like hell no, you're not doing that. Or you're probably just out there doing this bullshit and just making me look like a fucking clown back at home and this and that. You know what I mean? That's like the toxic way. Rather you're not having trust in your partner rather than true rate you're having trust with your partner. So maybe the first time when you did something wrong 1s and it's nothing extreme you went out and you cheated or something. Maybe you just didn't acknowledge something when you should have acknowledged. Because I feel like because if you're going to be with that person for a long time it's kind of like you kind of do need to tell them your abouts all the time and vice versa. Because if that's your love forever you got to. 2s Treat them like, do you love forever? I'm pretty sure our parents do that too.

U3

37:06

You don't have to be like specifics. Okay, at nine, seven

U1

37:11

I'm walking here, but you get there at 930. It's like, no, not that I'm going here. You don't hear

U3

37:16

from me for three days, call the police.

U1

37:19

In a sense that you could say, hey, let's say 08:00, hey, I'm going to be eating dinner. Whatever, then you guys don't talk. Whatever, then you finish dinner. But hey, I'm going to be going this place now. Then you guys don't talk for let's say like four or five, not four or 5 hours. Let's say maybe like another 2 hours. 3 hours. Okay, fine. Because you're still being able to do you while still being faithful and still being maternal relationship, right? Because I feel like in a relationship, yes, you could have the love with them, do things with them, but also at the same time, I feel like you also need to live, have your own identity, life as well. And not in a sense of like you're going to go out and bogus and be a scum and everything, but live your own life. In a sense of like maybe you want to go shoe hoops by yourself, maybe you want to work on a project or maybe you want to go drink at a bar, but just be responsible and just be ethical and. 1s Be mature about it. You know what I mean? Yeah. And you never want to feel like you're in a cage. And I also want to say that another option if you want to be the more mature person. A lot of people want to go into fix it mode. Not everything is salvageable. Not everything can be fixed. And sometimes the best thing that you can do for yourself, which, first of all, you should know yourself before you try to grow with a person. But one thing that you can do is be alone. And it's okay to be alone. You don't need to be in a relationship, especially if every single waking moment with this other person is just going to lead to conflict. It's going to lead to them disliking you. And the only reason why you're staying is because you're trying to make them happy or you're trying to feed into their ego or you're trying to feed into yours.

U3

39:04

If this is a continuous thing that's happening, sometimes the best thing to do is just walk away, work on yourself. Because you should know yourself before you try to build with another person, especially if it's going to be a lifelong relationship. 2s That might take

U2

39:21

years, realistically to figure yourself out.

U3

39:27

Don't go under the assumption that you have to like, okay, I'm 100%, I know what I'm doing, I know what I want to do, I know everything about myself. People always change, right? Like, you yourself are always going through changing patterns in your life. It's never going to be perfect. Don't become the perfectionist person in that aspect. Respect, but have your own general guidelines. Like have your set beliefs, of course, be open to change in different opinions.

U2

39:56

That's the goal

U1

39:58

is to be able to accept different opinions. But

U2

40:03

draw the line for yourself and tell yourself or find yourself of what you believe

U3

40:10

before you. Try to learn other people's

U2

40:13

beliefs. And never force it either. It should always come naturally. So now we need to understand there is a toxic relationship and then the opposite. What does a healthy relationship look like? And to completely understand what a healthy relationship looks like. It's to try to understand how it feels like, how the person expresses themselves, and how you communicate. I think communication really plays, again, one of the biggest roles, if you can clearly communicate with someone and them to understand your feelings and understand who you are, can truly show how healthy your relationship is. If you can feel difficult scenarios and go through difficult challenges with your partner and be able to fighting is healthy, but it just depends on the type of fighting. If you're screaming in each other's face and you're putting your partner down, then clearly that's not good fighting. Good fighting is when you both can be.

U4

41:11

Emotional, but be able to not express your

U1

41:15

emotions. I think you also need to reach a resolve too. If you're arguing, if you're just arguing for the sake to argue, it's never going to lead to anything good. It has to be like, you can be emotional when it comes to expressing yourself, but keep the other person's emotions intact. Don't let it get out of control. And always come to conclusion like, okay, this is what needs to get done. This is what we need to work on, or this is what you need to work on, or this is what we're doing that's bad. I think

U3

41:43

good food for thought is when you guys are fighting or

U1

41:47

arguing, are you

U3

41:50

listening to

U1

41:51

them

U3

41:52

to respond, or are you listening to them to understand? Them

U1

41:58

listening to understand. Because originally what I first did, which was it's not bad. No, I guess what I did, I was listening to respond. And in my relationship at the moment, originally, I listened to respond, and then it took me quite some time to actually listen to understand. That was the big brain hitter right there for me. And that's where I also kind of seen growth as well, because I actually started to take it in their feelings and try to understand to their POV of why they feel this way. 1s It made me feel better in a sense of, okay, I'm getting it now and then also vice versa too. You know what I mean? So I feel like listening to understand is 1s the best way to go about it. Do not listen to respond, because then you're just looking. I feel like if you listen to respond, you're just looking for your time to shine, as I'm going to call

U3

42:50
it. How are you going to shit on the other

U1

42:52

person? Exactly, which is toxic. But listening to understand is the best thing.

U3

42:58

An important thing to remember, too, is no relationship is the same, especially for somebody who's never had a positive relationship before or is fearful

U2

43:07

of

U3

43:09

even trying it in the first place. How do you know what a perfect relationship is? 2s A good, healthy relationship is if you don't try it,

U2

43:19

right?

U4

43:22

Also make requests instead of complaints. So an example with that would be let's just say the dishes are dirty. Instead of saying,

U2

43:31

Why are the dishes dirty? And starting to put blame, you say, hey, I see that the dishes are dirty. Would there be any chance that you could clean them? Try to help the person kind of get into an understanding instead of a straight defense. Because I feel like when you attack someone, they go in straight defense mode. And when someone goes into defense mode, it's very hard to have a conversation with them, especially if you're trying to get your point across to them. Because a lot of people don't take it, some people don't realize it, and it just forces relationships to become extremely difficult. And you don't feel a sense of love, you feel more of a sense of being told what to do. That's

U3

44:08

very well said. I think there's two things that can be the same thing can be said two different ways. One of them creates a hostile situation, the other is a solution.

U2

44:19

And especially if you know how that person reacts, you can kind of put the question towards them so that they can respond in a better way. If you throw them into straight attack mode, you're not going to get the response you want. Clearly, if you attack anybody and you might be coming off a bad day, a lot of shit is going on in your life and you just want to get your point across. But remember that that person is not having a bad day. That person is just having a normal day and things are just going. So your tone of voice can change a lot of things. Your attitude can change. And I get it, we all have bad days. We all are not like 100% all the time and sometimes you just want to get things done. But sometimes when you have to get your point across, maybe sit and think about it instead of going straight into complain and attack.

U1

45:10

I was going to say another thing too. When it comes to building a healthy relationship, 2s doing exercises is a great thing. 2s Kind of like stepping out of your normal or the norm too. 1s I would say try like asking questions to your spouse or your girlfriend, whoever it may be boyfriend, to say hey, example. You say, hey, I want to take the time to sit down with you and I just want to have 1s a good talk with. 2s You could probably say something down the line as what are some things that you like about me? What are some things that I do that you don't like about me? And then, so they can answer for you and then they can answer back to you as well. So kind of build off of there. Maybe there's some things you just want to talk about. Tell it to them, write it down and then just find a compromise between down the line. Just explain to them calmly why maybe this upsets you or you don't like about it. And also, too, when talking to them, wait for them to finish first and then say what you have to say. Another thing I experienced too, that I used to do was I would never let my girlfriend finish whatever she had to say. And I was always trying to get my word into during the moment because during the time I feel like sometimes 1s maybe I'll get heated. So of course I wanted to get in and say something first before I forget it or before it goes on to the next topic, just to get my peace of mind in. And now would you admit that that's the wrong way to go about things? Yes,

U2

46:49

because we're not normalizing it for you. No, we're not.

U1

46:54
So you better watch out. But no, we're not normalizing it, but it's just more are just acknowledging and

then. 2s Of course you learned from it. I feel like other things you could probably do U3

47:06

that, though. I think that's good. The earlier in the relationship that you have tough conversations, even if it's just questions like that, like you said, what do I do that you don't like? Or what can I change? And that doesn't mean you have to change, right? Maybe that's a part of you, that's who you are. Well, now you know.

U1

47:22

Is there something we can compromise on? Yeah, but questions like that or even I've heard of people doing that I do is like monthly check ins every month. It's just like, all right. And it's not like, okay, first Monday of every month, we got to sit down for an hour and go, Listen, it's just

U3

47:40

like, it's been about a month, hey, how are we doing? And you both are like, that's

U2

47:44

good? Well, yeah, pretty good. Because you might have a good relationship and a very healthy, welcoming relationship for an entire year, and then all of a sudden, maybe you go down like a rough patch for like, two months. But this whole time, if you have been doing that monthly check in that first month of the negative feelings, it's like right away, it's like instinct to say, like, oh, shit,

U3

48:05

yeah, thumbs up. Something

U1

48:07

bothering me. Something's up, and you may not even know about it. Right?

U3

48:10

Whereas now a year has gone by, you've never had a conversation like this. That tough conversation that's already tough is now extremely

U1

48:17

tough, way tougher, because you never dealt with it before. Facts. And I think also, even though some relationships where everything seems to be going right, everything, 1s no issues have popped up that could be one sided. So it is always good to check in with your partner, see how they're doing. Even if they say no at first. It's important to kind of to ask them, kind of open them up. But obviously don't force it. Don't be like, tell me something. Tell me you still like me right now. I need to know right now. Please tell me. It has to be a slow process, but you have to be consistent with this stuff, because otherwise.

U2

48:56

Things stretched out during a longer period of time will blow up in your face, like nine times out of ten. Yeah.

U1

49:03

And also understanding Too kind of just said about the whole note thing. There are going to be those people who are going to say, no, but there is something up. And that's when you have to learn on understanding your partner. And that's the hardest thing. But you just got to keep working. Nothing is easy at life. You have to work for everything and stay in a relationship. You work for that every single day for the rest of your life. If you're with that person for rest of your life, 1s things are going to

U2

49:29

change. Yeah. And no relationship is 100% perfect, too. So even if things are going all right and you're afraid to tell them how you really feel, 2s don't let that feeling build up inside of you, because that will turn into either a feeling of hatred, feeling of disgust, whatever. It may not seem like it now, but the more you hold on to microaggressions or tiny things that happen in the relationship that bother you, the more that'll build up and lead to a massive breakdown on either side. So it's always important to address issues, even if they're really small, like, hey, I didn't like your tone today, or this is how this made me feel. And you can't attack your partner either. You have to say how something made you feel, and you always have to listen to their response, because, again, like Cena was saying, you don't want to get them into a defensive state of mind. And that always comes when you attack them. Be like, you did something wrong. You did this, and it made me feel sad inside. 1s You have to be like, this is how this made me feel, and not saying that you were wrong, but I just want you to know that this is how that action affected me, or that's how that tone of voice affected me. And that's how you better learn things about your partner and how you build a healthy relationship in the long run.

U4

50:53

And to come off of that point too, as well, like your microaggressions, like you were saying, Shannon, if you take these microaggressions, like my therapist was telling me, and it's like taking these small things, throwing them into a closet and then closing the door behind it. And then that closet will slowly evolve into a ton of different aggressions, and you'll blow up on the person that you love so much. You'll say something that you regret, which I had one of the hardest issues dealing with. I mean, especially in my last relationship, some of the things I said did not need to be said. And when I get angry, of course the bad side of me comes out. And we're not all perfect and we all have our own issues, but it's realizing that, hey, if I could have just 1s settled down, understood what I was saying, and kind of respected the other person and gave it a better tone of voice or gave it a better understanding. It would have helped the conversation so much instead of throwing them into straight defense mode. So it's. With all of this. We've all came up with really good points about what is toxic relationship, what are the signs of a toxic relationship? Can you move on from a toxic relationship? Can you move forward? 1s These are all great things to really realize what's going on in your relationship, what's going on in your life, and how to better not only your relationship, but better yourself as a human being. Because let's just say the relationship you're in right now doesn't work out and you got to learn about what you personally did wrong and how to improve. And then at one point you'll be in a marriage where you'll be able to understand the other person and be able to express yourself really well.

U3

52:28

She'll let you be little spoon too.

U4

52:30

We low key all love being little spoon. It's all about balance. We all do.

U3

52:36

It's fucking red.

U1

52:38

Well, ladies and gentlemen, just want to say thank you for joining us on this episode of Viney. This honestly has been a wonderful time with everyone here discussing and of course it's wonderful for you, the viewers who listen to us. Just want to let you know that we all appreciate you, we all love you. Thank you for supporting us. We're rocking with you as you rock with us. Just want to say whether it's a morning, afternoon or evening, you have a great rest of your day. Take care y nay out. And please remember, you and Allah.

U2

53:17

I was just like Brandon. Say it. Brandon.

U1

53:20
Brandon, say it.