Permission for Pleasure
A podcast to educate and equip women with the information and confidence they need to express, experience and enjoy their sexuality. Cindy Scharkey RN, BSN, brings her 35+ years of experience as a healthcare professional to open the doors to healthy conversations about sex. This is a community where you can listen and learn to give yourself permission for pleasure. Visit www.cindyscharkey.com for educational blogs and newsletter.
Permission for Pleasure
Talking About Sex (When Things Aren’t Great) - Part 1
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PART ONE: When things aren’t going so great in the bedroom, communication may be what you need to turn things around. Research shows that talking about sex is one of the strongest predictors of sexual satisfaction. In this episode, Meygan Caston joins us as our first repeat guest on the podcast. This time, she shares the story of how she learned to talk about sex with her partner, and offers us the communication tips and strategies she gathered as they transformed their sex life from really bad - to really good.
Meygan Caston is the co-founder of Marriage365.
www.marriage365.com
Learn more about these topics
Meygan’s Episode in Season One
Talking with a partner about sex
Sexual Communication
When a partner wants to try something new
Vibrators
Book Recommendation for Oral Sex
ORDER my Book: Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden
JOIN my Newsletter: Good Education for Good Sex
FOLLOW on Instagram @cindyscharkey
VISIT my website and blog
The turning point came for me was because I had to make a radical choice. Was I gonna be one of those women who just didn't like sex, had resentment in her heart, and that's gonna be the next 50, 60 years of my life? Or can I find ways to communicate in a healthy way what I was feeling, what I was thinking, and what I was desiring so that defenses would go down.
SPEAKER_00Hello and welcome to Permission for Pleasure. I'm Cindy Sharkey, your host, and thank you so much for joining me today. As always, I'm delighted that you're here. So many of you have asked for more tips on talking about sex with a partner. And so I have invited Megan Caston back from Marriage 365. This time to tell her story about how learning to talk about sex and learning to ask for what she desired in bed took her dismal sex life from really bad to really good. It's quite a journey in her relationship, and as she shares her story, she also shares all her best tips for talking to a partner about sex. I've divided the episode into two parts to make it easier listening for you, and there are communication nuggets in both parts. So let's get started. Megan, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. So glad you could be here again. Megan, your episode in season one was one of the top five episodes listened to, and it just told me my audience wants to hear more from you. And what they also asked for was communication tips, communication skills, how to talk to a partner. So many people ask for more on that. You're the perfect person to talk about this with. So thanks for joining me again as my repeat guest.
SPEAKER_01I'm so glad no one's sick of me, and I'm glad that they asked me back. I I love to hear that people want communication tips because it's it's the thing that connects us with other people, right? Communication, even our nonverbal communicates. And what's so great about communication is that anyone can learn it. And I love that. I think that gives a message of hope. So if someone's struggling, it's okay. We've all been there, and there's so many great techniques and methods, and just practicing it over time, you can really be a great communicator.
SPEAKER_00Yes, I agree. And you used those skills in what we're gonna talk about today, which is your story of going from having kind of bad sex to good sex.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah, not kind of bad, really bad, at least, at least for my perspective. My husband would say otherwise, which I did get his permission to share our story. I I usually try to make sure I'm I tell him what I'm talking about, um, but we're both open books, and as you know, we're both very vulnerable.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and we appreciate that. We appreciate you sharing your story and that vulnerability because it gives people language for their own struggles and the things they're dealing with, and then also hope that things can be different and change. And how do we go about doing that? That's what we're gonna talk about today. Well, I'm excited. Yeah, me too. You know, Megan, let's backtrack a little bit. Just tell tell us what you do and what your passion is in the in the world.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. So, my husband and I co-founded our company called Marriage 365, and we provide online streaming services for couples all around the world. So think Netflix for your marriage. And we've got videos and challenges and courses, worksheets, and date ideas, and we really kind of want to be a one-stop shop for anybody in their marriage. And what really sets us apart, I think, in the marriage space is that we don't talk to just the couple. I mean, of course, ideally in marriage, you want both spouses to be involved and communicating and healing, but oftentimes it's one spouse that is the first one to kind of say, hmm, we've got some red flags, or I'm feeling lonely and disconnected, or this is an area that I want to improve in. And that's my husband and I's story. And I was really the one who got help for myself first and had a positive influence on him. And so our tagline we often say is if you want to make a better marriage, make a better you. And I think we live in a world where we like to blame and point fingers and take the focus off of ourselves, but the only thing we have control over is ourselves, our words, our communication, our attitude, our habits, our fears, our control, our response. And if we just all focused on ourselves, I think this world would be a much better place to live. We reach about four million couples around the world every single week. Our number one resource is our membership, which is like the Netflix for marriage. And I love doing it. I love waking up motivated to help other people grow and learn and become the healthiest version of themselves. It's a true motivating factor for all of our staff who works very hard to provide affordable and practical resources for people looking for them.
SPEAKER_00Beautiful. One relationship at a time, right, Megan? Absolutely. Yeah. So let's talk about your relationship, you and your husband, and your early years of marriage and how sex looked in your early years.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so something that's really important about our story is that when I met my husband, so we're college sweethearts. We met, I was a freshman and he was a senior at college, and um, he was a virgin, and I was not. And I share that story because I think that that dynamic is really telling of the first seven years of our sex life and our marriage. So I knew what sex was, I knew I enjoyed it, I knew I liked it, and going into marriage, obviously respecting his own boundary that he really wanted to save himself until marriage. And I love that and I still respect that. So we did not have sex together until our wedding night. In fact, we only kissed until we got married. Um, and so I had pretty low expectations just being sexually intimate with a previous partner. I knew, you know, kind of the gist of it. And obviously, he being a virgin had very different expectations going into it. I think a lot of times I've noticed, and just working with couples, people who go into marriage with kind of more of a very conservative view on sex have either really high expectations, unrealistic expectations, or they just don't communicate their expectations. And that's, I experienced the trifecta. I experienced all three. And so, you know, the first couple weeks is just fun, and you're just married and enjoying life. And I just thought, gosh, you know, like he's really not taking care of my needs, but you know, he's a virgin, he's 24. Like, give the guy a break, Megan, right? Just thought, okay, at what point do I get to speak up and say, like, hey, just by the way, like I enjoy sex, but I also want it to be about me too, and not just you. And a couple months went by and I noticed my heart started to be resentful and I wasn't enjoying it. And I remember bringing it up, and I felt like it was very loving. I remember sitting in our bed, and we weren't naked or anything, we were just sitting in our bed hanging out, and I said, Hey, you know, I just I really want to talk about our sex life and some things that we could do to improve. And he instantly got defensive and he shut down, and then like a day later, he, you know, threw out some random things, um, just really hurtful comments. And I just thought, gosh, like what did I do wrong? And of course, when your spouse defensiveness, you can either fight it, right, and fight back, or you can flight. And for whatever reason, I chose to flight. I didn't really say much. I just thought, you know what, maybe he's just, he's just, we're not ready, we're immature. And there was other stuff, by the way, Cindy, at this time going on. Like we weren't great communicators in general. We had debt from student loans. I mean, there were other issues going on. So that didn't help the conversation. So things were kind of already tense in our marriage. Well, fast forward to almost seven years later. In that seven-year time, I just remember thinking, like, is this it? Am I never gonna get to orgasm again? Is it just like all about his needs and what he wants? I mean, how do I bring this up without hurting his feelings? I really want a great sex life. Like, I desire that. That's one of the reasons why I got married. And and how am I gonna go about this? And I remember even going to a sex toy party. And I remember thinking, I would love to incorporate a vibrator or something like that into the bedroom. How in the world am I gonna talk about this if we can't even just talk about some basics? And so that's really where the turning point came for me was because I had to make a radical choice. Was I gonna be one of those women who just didn't like sex, had resentment in her heart, kind of had this mentality of, well, that's typical men. They just get on top and do their thing. It's about them. I feel like a piece of meat, and that's gonna be the next 50, 60 years of my life. Or can I find ways to communicate in a healthy way what I was feeling, what I was thinking, and what I was desiring so that defenses would go down.
SPEAKER_00I'm sure that was really challenging to try to shift the conversation at that point.
SPEAKER_01It really was. And I will tell you, it in my own marriage, my husband's actually the more empathic one, he's the more sensitive one. I tend to be, I could tend to be more insensitive. I'm not the crier, he's actually more of the crier. So we have kind of a different dynamic even there. So I know that oftentimes my approach or my words can be very hurting or cutting. That's why I said in the beginning, I'm so excited for someone listening who wants to improve in communication because this is someone that was not great at communicating. And then people talk to me and they go, oh my gosh, you know, you're you're paid to go on stage and talk to thousands of people about communication. And I go, yeah, but this is something I've learned. And if I can learn this, you can learn this too.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's so hopeful that this is an area that we can grow in and change and get better at.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. Absolutely. Because I think that if you're feeling frustrated with your sex life and there's no hope, you really aren't gonna change anything. You're not gonna bring it up. Things aren't gonna get better, right? If you don't have hope, you don't believe things can get better. And I I think that a big part of changing yourself is you have to be around people or listen to podcasts like yours that will give you hope and next steps. It's very important because of course you feel overwhelmed. And when we feel overwhelmed, what do we do? We don't know what to do next. So we freeze. We just don't do anything.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yes. And a lot of people might find themselves right in that spot as they're listening, no matter if they've been in a relationship for five minutes or 10 years. So, how did you start communicating?
SPEAKER_01So, one of the things that my therapist taught me was to always start with something positive and to focus on the positive, because that, of course, will bring defenses down in someone. And there's this phrase called connect before you correct. It's a common parenting technique. I'm sure you've heard of it. It's very common in the parenting world, and that is just such a great thing to remember. Connect before you correct. And I was always coming wanting to correct. I wanted to change, I wanted improvement with a good heart. My heart was in the right place. My motivation was, hey, I want to have sex with you. This is a good thing. But what I recognize when it comes to sex, it's a very, very sensitive subject for many. It's very taboo. Like you mentioned, there's a lot of shame with a lot of people. And I know you and I work endlessly to try to kill that shame and say, hey, it's okay to ask questions and it's okay to be curious, and it's okay if you're stuck. Like this is normal. I feel like this was so long ago, because I've been married almost 20 years. This is gonna date me. There were no podcasts yet. There was no social media yet. So I felt very, very alone and stuck. But one of the things I started to do was really point out the positive things. So I would sit down and I would say things like, you know, I just I am so attracted to you. Like even after all these years we've been married, I still like find you sexy. And I could see a little like boost of confidence in him, right? Like, oh yeah, like my wife still thinks I'm hot. And then, like, maybe like a day or two later, I'd be like, Why don't we go take a walk? And I would just, we would connect emotionally, you know, and or we'd go on a date night. And so the emotional intimacy was building and getting stronger. And the whole thing behind connect before you correct is that that person would know they still love me, they care. This person is a safe person for me. Even during a difficult conversation, okay, she's not gonna leave me. And for those of you who have never heard my story, my husband's mom is on her sixth marriage and his dad's on a second. So there's a lot of marriages. And so for him growing up, a difficult conversation meant divorce. I mean, six marriages, truly. When things don't go well, my mother-in-law divorces. So that's what he also went into marriage with is this mindset of like, well, if we have issues, she's not gonna stick around and fight through this. She's just gonna leave me. So there's a little bit of childhood trauma there too. So once I started to be really intentional with connecting emotionally, then I could actually bring it up. And you never bring it up during sex. You never want to bring it up right before sex, and you never want to bring it up after when you're laying in bed naked. It's just too vulnerable. It's not the right time. And I think that timing is something that's very important with communication. I think I found myself saying things in passing late at night, when one of us is hangry. And so it's also trying to find a good time where you feel like there's no interruptions, the kids obviously the kids aren't around because it's about sex, but it's not at 11 o'clock at night. And I think that that also was part of my communication and a tip that I would give anyone is really be strategic with the timing and not just out of the blue. I love giving warnings or heads up. So my first conversation was like this. So here we were a couple weeks, I was really trying to emotionally connect, affirm him, right? So he's feeling love, Cindy. He's feeling like my wife is my biggest fan.
SPEAKER_00And you can see that by by just his demeanor and how he's responding. Right, okay.
SPEAKER_01Yes, yes. And I knew that like he felt great and he was we were laughing more and connecting more. So it was time for me to go, okay, now this is a great time because he's feeling loved and saved. I've told him I'm attracted to him. We've been connecting emotionally. So the emotional intimacy is strong and it's good right now. So this is a better time to bring it up. So what I did was I knew we had Saturday where we had the day off. And so on Thursday, I said, Hey, you know what? There's been something on my mind, it's not that big of a deal, but I would love to set aside like an hour, maybe like 30 minutes on Saturday while our daughter is napping. Uh, do you think that's possible? He's like, Oh, sure, totally. He's like, Are you sure it's not a big deal? And I said, No, I mean, it's it's it's important, but it's not, you know, make or break we need to talk about it right now. He's like, Sounds great. Come to find out later. He really appreciated that I gave him a heads up.
SPEAKER_00That you wanted to talk about something specific.
SPEAKER_01That I want to talk about something, yes, versus just saying, hey, can we sit on the couch right now and talk about something? Because if you're not ready and and no one prepped you, it's really hard for some people to be like, whoa, I didn't think we were gonna be talking about this. So I gave him a little heads up. I think I may have mentioned, like, oh, I just want to talk about something with sex, or I don't even think I said that. I think it was more like, I just want to talk about us. It was very like us related, not like money or kids, right? And then I sat down with him and I remember checking my attitude. And I think this is so important when you go into a conversation with your spouse is to make sure that you have a soft heart, an open mind, a good attitude. And then I started off by saying something that's I think every woman or man should say to their spouse when they talk about something difficult. It's the reminder of why you're doing this. So I'm sitting down with you right now because I care about you. I love us. I love that we decided to do life together. I love parenting with you, I love doing chores with you, I love going to Costco runs with you. Like I, and it's a reminder for them to be like, that's right, we're on the same team because they don't know what's coming their way yet. And I feel like that also brings defenses down. So I just said, like, I'm bringing this up because I dare I care deeply about our sex life. And I know I've made a couple comments here and there over the years, but I would like to brainstorm some ways where we could just change things up. So my tip, one of my many tips is you can't make it about them. Like you're I could have said, you know, I'm doing this because I love you, but like you're not a great lover. Okay, that's critical. That's mean. Defenses will go up, right? They'll put a wall around their heart. Wow, well, she thinks I'm a great, I'm a horrible lover, right? You really have to be thoughtful and considerate about how they're gonna receive it. And I think a great way to to try it out is to try it on yourself. Go in front of a mirror and say, if my spouse said this to me, would I receive it well?
SPEAKER_00Oh, that's a great idea.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I think a lot of times we just need to practice either out loud or if you're a writer, you could journal it and then reread it to yourself of what you wrote, but kind of hash out the first draft, the second draft, so that by the time you get to them, you feel a little bit more confident and prepared. And then just say, I would love to brainstorm. So basically, what you're communicating is let's work on this together versus you're the problem, I'm not, I'm not happy, and here's all the long 10 things that you do wrong every single time we have sex. Like it's just not a good idea.
SPEAKER_00Well, it's not a good idea, and the research proves out with all the newer studies is that working on sexual problems together or issues together yield better and more long-lasting results in sexual satisfaction than just one person trying to work on their self.
SPEAKER_01I could not agree more. Yes. Yes, it's so, and this is my life. This was, I mean, I live that statistic that has been studied. And so I think the brainstorming ways, and then of course, you can get into specifics based off of the situation. But he he kind of said, Wow, okay, so like what do you mean? And I said, Well, I just think that, you know, for me, in order, and then I educated him. You know, for me, in order to orgasm, here's what I need. I need clitoral stimulation. And so when we're doing missionary position or the other positions we've tried, I'm just not getting enough clitoral stimulation in order for me to orgasm. And he was like, Oh, okay. So there was a bit of an education there because I think a lot of times we assume that everybody knows biology. Right? The functions of the body, the functions of, and I remember, Cindy, you know, you were a guest at Marriage 365. I didn't even know this. And I feel like I know quite a lot about sex. I didn't know that the clitoris has six to eight thousand nerve endings. I just learned that a couple years ago from you.
SPEAKER_00Yep, yep. I think especially female anatomy is so uh misunderstood or not understood, right? And I think not just men, but women. I've seen this as a nurse over 35 years, Megan. People don't know their own anatomy or their partner's anatomy. And so you choosing to share, right, in a way that says, This is what I found with my body that I need, instead of you're not giving me what I need.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. Because that's very shaming, right? We want to keep defenses down. I cannot say that enough as a marriage coach. Keep defenses down because the second defenses go up, and when I say defenses, by the way, everybody gets defensive in different ways. Some people will give the silent treatment, some people will cry, some people will point the finger and go, Well, you don't do this, this, this, this. They'll point it back to you to take the attention off of them. I mean, there's a lot of different ways we can get defensive, and we want to keep that communication line open. And so I think just being able to educate your partner and say, and you could even say, let's not make any assumptions that we know what we're doing. I mean, sure, there's some basics of what we know we need to do. The penis goes in the vagina, sure. But other than that, what are the body, you know, here's the body parts that I get really aroused by. And you want to actually make it more on the positive than the negative. So it don't say things like, well, when you touch my boobs, I get really turned off. Because that was me in my 20s, by the way. I was never turned on with my breast in my 20s, but in my 30s, it totally turns me on. That's the other thing is that it changes all the time, which is why you have to continue to keep talking about it. Because what you liked two years ago, you may like now, or vice versa. And so I think even saying, like, if you don't like your breast touch, then that's not a turn-on for you suggests something that does turn you on. Well, I really like when we make out. Like for me, I love the foreplay and I love when we kiss. Like, just like when we're dating, we used to make out for hours. Like, I know we don't have hours, but I would love to kiss longer than five minutes. Or, you know what, it really I love it when you kind of set the room up. Like you clean the room up a little bit, you make the bed, you light the candles. It just kind of shows me that you're making effort. But being a guide and a coach in a very positive way, like you said with research, is showing that it has a way better success rate than being critical or bringing something up out of random. And again, that's why it's so important to check your own heart and your own motive.
SPEAKER_00Well, and I would say on the other side of that, and you may be getting to this next, but it also then offering what have you found about yourself that that you would like me to do, or where where have you kind of wondered if it would be nice to be touched, you know, and that that I could try, you know, that sense of saying, let we're together in this.
SPEAKER_01Well, communication requires two people, right? So this is your opportunity to share about yourself, but exactly turn the turn the thing around and say also, hey, but I want to learn more about you and what you like, and what are things that I could do that turn you on? And maybe there are some things that I'm doing where you're it's not a turn-on, and I'd like to know about that. If you show that and model that healthy behavior, the hope would be that they would return the favor as well. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00Well, community, we are going to pause here and continue Megan's story in part two. She's gonna share what she asked for for her 10-year anniversary gift. And it wasn't something her husband Casey could buy, but a way she wanted to be pleasured. More communication tips in part two. You won't want to miss it. Before we wrap up here in part one, I do want to ask you to please support the podcast if you enjoy it. Take just a moment to rate the show on Apple or Spotify, and if you have more than a moment, write a review. Each of these small steps, they really do help the show to grow and are such an encouragement to me as well. If you're looking for more education, be sure and sign up for my monthly newsletter, Good Education for Good Sex. The link's in the show notes, or you can find it on cindysharky.com. I'll meet you over on part two where Megan gives herself permission to ask for her pleasure.
