Secrets of a Matchmaker: Your Fast-Track to Love

Locker Room Talk & Shots Podcast guest, Paula Pardell, is a professional matchmaker and the mastermind behind Bloom Matchmaking. She established and magically found success with her matchmaking venture amidst a global pandemic, and in this episode, she gives my listeners valuable insights into the benefits of matchmaking services over conventional dating apps. If you're looking for a committed, long-term relationship or in need of some dating tips that will up your dating game, then this episode is a goldmine.

From the matchmaking process to a comprehensive timeline, Paula walks us through what quality dating should look like. For both the guys and the gals listening, we’re discussing crucial dating tips, addressing common pitfalls, and emphasizing the importance of balanced communication, appearance, confidence, and vulnerability.

With Paula's expertise, you'll understand why creating superficial qualifications for your dream bae might be killing your love life.  And you'll want to listen all the way to the end for her best-kept secret to getting on th

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Transcript

Annette Benedetti: 0:26

Do the sex. Hi, this is Annette Benedetti, your hostess for a locker room talk and chocks the podcast that likes to think of itself as the queer NPR of raunchy women's sex talk. You are about to sit in on the kind of conversations women have on their girls' nights out or behind closed doors, while enjoying delicious drinks and dishing about sex. Think, fun, honest and feminist as fuck, and always with the goal of fighting the patriarchy. One orgasm at a time. Welcome to the locker room.

Paula Pardel: 1:05

Ring loop.

Annette Benedetti: 1:08

Today's locker room talk and chocks topic is secrets of a matchmaker your fast track to finding love.

Annette Benedetti: 1:16

Dating is hard. Dating is hard. It does not matter what age you are. If you are young and new to the dating game. You've been in the dating game, out of the dating game and you're back in it. You're an old pro.

Annette Benedetti: 1:30

Look, most of us have been through the dating app circus Hinge, tinder, bumble. We've gone on the first dates again and again and again and been disappointed. We've had false starts and been thrown back into the dating game and we're sick of it. Our hopes are low, but there is a new well, a old new approach to dating that is reemerging and people who are using it are claiming they're having success. It is matchmaking. So why are matchmakers so successful at helping people like you and me find love? I don't know. I don't have those answers for you, but luckily, my guest today does. Paula Pardell is the managing director of Bloom Matchmaking. She's also a master matchmaker. Paula launched Bloom Matchmaking in 2020. Perhaps not the best timing, but throughout the pandemic and the aftermath, bloom thrived, as did many, many of the matches she made. So how the heck did she make that happen? Well, paula, I am going to hand the mic over to you. I'd love for you to take a moment to introduce yourself to my listeners.

Paula Pardel: 2:47

Hi Annette, thanks for having me. I'm excited to explain how modern matchmaking works. My story is a little bit different. I've done many different things in the past. I was a stay-at-home mom for a while and it was time for me to get back to work. I came across the matchmaking position, so I worked for them for a bit. They didn't turn out to be the best company, but I took it and I took it as an opportunity and I ran with it. I formed my own company and I wanted to be an ethical company that truly helped people. I've learned so much. I've met so many other people in the industry since then and it's just been a great ride it has.

Paula Pardel: 3:30

We were pivoting through COVID and we made it. Actually, covid was a little good for matchmaking because people have realized that a deeper connection and healthy relationships are important in your life. So many of us COVID hit. We were in a toxic relationship or we didn't have anyone at all. A lot of people went online and they're trying to find that, and then they were looking for alternatives and matchmaking is something that is feeling a bit of a renaissance right now, I guess you could say it is having a renaissance, definitely seeing more and more of it, hearing wonderful things about it, so I'm excited to get into it.

Annette Benedetti: 4:13

And, listener, if you're wondering what you're going to get out of this you're not only going to learn what matchmaking is about and a little bit about the process behind it. Paula is going to grace us with some tips so that when we kick back tonight and start thinking about searching for our next best match, or if you're in the kind of that heart of dating right now, you're going to have some real, solid information and insight into finding your best match in the least amount of time. Lots of great takeaways. So, paula, I'm having coffee and you are having tea, correct, this is a morning conversation and cheers. Let's talk about finding love. I'm into it.

Annette Benedetti: 5:03

I love to talk about, I'm excited, I'm excited about this conversation. But what I really want to start with is look, I get sucked into all of the matchmaking TV shows. Love is blind, the ultimate. All of these shows that are out there about people finding love and the process that really leads to long-term love, and I think most of us now just watch it for entertainment. We know it's mostly bull. So what I want to know is this what is matchmaking?

Paula Pardel: 5:38

Well, I guess it's people that are dating with intention to find a long-term, committed relationship. They're serious about dating, they're sick of the games and they need a little help. I'm like I like to say I'm like someone's wing woman. You know I'm there with you every step of the way, helping you through the process, getting feedback from date and matching you with people that are on the same level as you and someone that has compatibility with you.

Annette Benedetti: 6:06

Who do you work with? Is this all age ranges? What about genders and sexual orientation?

Paula Pardel: 6:17

I work with straight people, and the only reason for that is that within the matchmaker community, people have many different niches and they're experts at those niches, and that is not something that I'm an expert at. So I would refer people that are LGBTQ plus to my matchmakers that can help them better than I can. They're going to have more availability and more knowledge of what they're looking for and how things work in that world. Generally, my clients are very successful people. They're doctors, they're lawyers, they're CEOs, they've got their life together, they have their career.

Paula Pardel: 6:55

But that one thing is missing and they need some help. Maybe they don't have time and maybe they're a high profile person where they're not going to put their face on an app. So they like the personalized attention, the guidance and the privacy of working with a matchmaker maker also, and I also have their best interest in mind. You know, since these people are, you know, relatively wealthy people, I have their self interest in mind too, because I want to find someone that likes them for them and not for who they are or what they have.

Annette Benedetti: 7:33

And what is the age range?

Paula Pardel: 7:36

Generally it is around middle age or so you know I get some older people, but lately I'm getting a lot Some younger people in their 30s that are sick of the game and everything too, so really all ages.

Annette Benedetti: 7:52

So you primarily are seeing, let's say, 30 to maybe 50, 60?

Paula Pardel: 7:58

60, 65. I know another matchmaker that has a client that's 92.

Annette Benedetti: 8:05

Can you tell me a little bit about the process? When someone comes to you and they're like I have been on the apps or I don't have time to do the apps and I don't have time to go on billion dates, what happens next?

Paula Pardel: 8:21

Well, first of all they fill out a profile on my database so I can get to know them and I can get to know what they, what they're looking for. We schedule a call or zoom and sometimes I'll meet people for coffee and then we talk about. You know what's been going on in your dating world, what has happened in your relationships. What do you think is your block of not? You haven't found that person. You know the dating apps can be. They're challenging, they're good in a lot of ways, but they're bad in a lot of ways also. You know they've sort of made dating a bit superficial or shallow. You know people just think that there's an endless supply and they're just going to keep swiping and swiping and one day it's like low and behold, that person, perfect person, is going to going to appear.

Paula Pardel: 9:09

And you know and I also talked to people about needs and wants you know what is really important in a healthy relationship. You know we start with the foundation of it and try to get those things right. And you know and telling people that you know maybe you should be a little more open minded about who you're looking for. It's not that you want to settle for someone or anything like that. But some things aren't that important. You know, some of the superficial things that people say that they need to have, those things just aren't important. You know, profile and pictures are all one dimensional.

Annette Benedetti: 9:46

Can you explain or share some of what you think are the sort of more shallow, less important things that people put out there first when looking for a partner?

Paula Pardel: 10:00

Okay, not everyone, but a lot of times, you know, men and women have their different things. A lot of women are obsessed with height and you know you have to realize that only less than 15% of the population is six foot and over. So you're eliminating a lot of people. You've got to think about how many people are single, how many of them are good guys, how many of them want a relationship, and so on and so on and so on in your area. So that just really limits you.

Paula Pardel: 10:27

And I've never had a couple you talked to a happy couple that said, gosh, I'm so happy I married a tall guy. You know, that's just really what made our relationship work. You know you need somebody that vibes with you. You know that you can have fun with. That makes you feel good about yourself, and you know. And then there's also the men side of the things too. You know some of them are hung up on age. You know a lot of successful men believe that they need to find, you know, some hot chick that has arm candy, and you know those send like a description of someone you know. I'm sure you can just imagine.

Annette Benedetti: 11:06

So older, successful men are wanting young, pretty things or the way that they tend to look at it.

Paula Pardel: 11:15

Some you know not all of them, of course, but you know there are people out there and you know they have to realize that women nowadays aren't as likely there still are, but there aren't as likely to go into a relationship like that because women don't need to anymore.

Annette Benedetti: 11:30

I love that you said that. Say it for the people in the back of the room, Paula.

Paula Pardel: 11:37

Women don't need a man. I mean like need? You know it's nice, but you know we don't need someone to take care of us.

Annette Benedetti: 11:46

I women don't need men anymore in the way that we traditionally did and we did because we didn't have rights. And now we have rights and we can get jobs and we can support ourselves and we don't have to do all of the hard stuff and relationships that we had to do before. And while I think younger men are just growing up knowing this, I think that there is in my experience, because I am, you know, 49 and have been dating off and on for quite a while, and I am just shocked at how many men just don't get it. Like the landscape has changed in so many ways, and I think that is a big thing.

Annette Benedetti: 12:30

I love that you mentioned the height thing too, because I think it's so silly. I mean, I get you know, all of us having our preferences and wanting to feel small and dainty because of exactly all of those things that we should have overcome by now. Right, the idea that we need to be small and dainty to be, you know, attractive or whatever. So I love that you point those shallow things out. Now, do you find that your clients are receptive when you say, hey, I hear you want this thing. However, comma, maybe you should throw that one out the door.

Paula Pardel: 13:08

That's a case by case thing. You know some people are. You know if people put out too many things like that, I won't take them as a client. You know it's just too hard and you know neither of us are going to be happy in that relationship, you know, with the matchmaker and a client.

Annette Benedetti: 13:25

Yeah, I imagine, though it sounds to me like you're promising, or trying to promise, a true, authentic, deep love between two people, which is never going to be had when you're matching people based on inauthentic you know traits. So what would you say are some of the most important things that people need to be matched on? Like, when you're talking to your client and they're like well, I'd like her boobs to be this big and I want him to be this tall, and blah, blah, blah, what do you say to them? Hey, here's what we really want to look at when putting you with a good match.

Paula Pardel: 14:12

Someone who's ready for a relationship, that's open minded, someone that's going to communicate with you, understand you, someone that's on the. You know it's important, you know a lot of times to have someone on the same level as you. You know, and I think it's nice. You know, personally, I think someone that's in the same age range is nice too, because you're more compatible, you have more things in common. You get those little jokes I think I had said before. You know, the profiles in the pictures are one dimensional. You really have to get out there and you have to meet the person and just, you know, see if that connection or that chemistry is there.

Paula Pardel: 14:49

Some people will say that, you know, I don't want to date anyone that has issues. Well, you know, if you're middle age and you don't have any issues or baggage yet, have you even been living? Have you just been living in a closet? You know, but it's how we deal with those issues, how we work on ourselves and how we move forward in our attitude. You know, a lot of men were and people were. You know I would never see a therapist or a counselor or anything like that. But that's the new sexy is working on yourself.

Paula Pardel: 15:21

You know see someone talk about it.

Annette Benedetti: 15:23

The new sexy is being willing to work on yourself. Another great poly quote the new sexy is being willing to work on yourself. And that is so true, Absolutely true. I love that you point that out. And do you actually find that a lot of people are saying that when your clients that come to you like I don't do therapy, blah, blah, blah?

Paula Pardel: 15:49

No, I don't hear that so much. I think people are more open minded to that and you know that's such a good thing that's come about, and maybe COVID has helped with that too, because people realize. You know you're sitting in your household and you're in your head too much. You know you need to talk to somebody. You know I think we all did that and that's just not good for anybody. You know more and more men come to me and they say that you know I've worked on myself and I really think I'm ready to get into a relationship now.

Annette Benedetti: 16:19

I love that. Now here's a question because when I went back into the dating world after I had been married and separated, one thing that I knew was so important for me that is a non-negotiable is being sexually compatible, and I know that some of that you can't find out until you're in the sack, but I definitely have questions. I will ask you know before the first date is over, about sex and interests and openness and adventure being adventurous. Do you ask any questions about that Is? Does that come in like if I, if I were to hire a matchmaker and say, hey, I want to look for all these other things, but I really need a partner who is into X, y and Z or open to X, y and Z. Is that something that you factor into your matchmaking?

Paula Pardel: 17:13

Yes, it is factored into to it A lot of what I do. We don't really talk about sex the whole lot, but I do gauge, like how important that is to them, because some people just not that important and you know you want to put somebody with someone that you know has an equal puts an equal importance on that, and I try to tell people actually don't talk about sex for a while. You know you want to get to know the person without getting all those the chemistry and the feelings and the butterflies going, because that clouds your judgment.

Annette Benedetti: 18:34

How long are you with your clients so you match them up with someone. They go on a date. At what point, let's say, they find a date and they keep dating? How long do you stay with them?

Paula Pardel: 18:48

Everyone's a little different. You know, some people require a little more hand holding than others, which is fine. You know, a lot of times a third date and then they sort of, you know, they fly away and go off on their own. But then, you know, I'll have people come back and ask me for advice. I had one client that I had gotten to a relationship. He called me four months later and he's like you know, I really feel like I love her. You think I should tell her? I'm like, yes, you should tell her. So we told her and they're still in love. There's such a cute couple that's, you know. So just advice like that, because we're just unsure of ourselves and you need someone that you know is the on the outside looking in. I'm not your friend, I'm not your family. You know I'm going to give it to you straight and I do this stuff every day that being said.

Annette Benedetti: 19:43

How long would you advise, and would it be different for man versus woman, someone to wait before? Uh, let's start with the first kiss. Can the first kiss happen on the first date? It can.

Paula Pardel: 19:58

You know, if you're feeling it, you know, go for it. But, like I said, you know it. Just when you get all those butterflies and everything I like to say, you know, we start to put our rose colored glasses on and we're not seeing things as clearly. We all do it, it doesn't matter who we are, I do it, you know, and we're we're thinking about who we want this person to be and that's where we're seeing.

Annette Benedetti: 20:21

You would also suggest waiting a while for sex. I would love for you to give my listeners like, just from your perspective, I'm like what would you say? A timeline on that. If someone were to say to you just give me a timeline and I'll follow it, what would you say?

Paula Pardel: 20:37

Seven dates, seven quality dates. You know, if you feel comfortable with that person, if you trust that person and you just can't wait anymore and you gotta jump his bones, go for it. You know.

Annette Benedetti: 20:50

I love it. All right, seven dates, seven quality dates. I wanna make sure they heard what you said. It's not seven like you met up for, like you know, five minutes to like high five or what.

Paula Pardel: 21:03

This is quality dates, so In person date, not texting dates.

Annette Benedetti: 21:11

That's not a date. I'm sorry, but that's not a date. Or like I don't consider virtual dates. A day really like not a thing. In my opinion, I have to be in someone's presence. What would a quality date be from your perspective? Let's say you match two people and they go on a date and one of them comes back and says this is what my person came up with. What would a quality date be?

Paula Pardel: 21:39

Well, as far as what you're doing, you know something. You know. I do think you know we do go back to gender roles and I think some traditional gender roles have held up for the most part. You know, a woman does like a man to take initiative and plan a date and he should take into consideration who she is. You know, what little he knows about her. You know, and try to make it a fun, interesting date where you can get to know someone you know. Maybe you know the traditional date of dinner in a movie A movie's not a very good date because we're just sitting there watching the movie.

Paula Pardel: 22:13

We're not connecting with people. You know, I like the dates where you're doing something, like I had a singles event and an X throwing place and that was just so much fun because nobody really knew what they were doing so we could all laugh at ourselves and it was just a blast. You know, with a little competitive and you know you're up and you're doing something, you really get to know someone. But aside from where your date is or what you do, a quality date is a date where you learn about someone. That's what you're there for is to learn about that person, for them to learn about you a little bit at a time. You know you just don't wanna throw it all out there at once, but you know taking it slow and you know peeling. I like to say it's like peeling an onion. You know you peel it slowly. It's not as offensive. You know, if you were to just peel it all out at the same time it could be a little offensive. But just a little bit at a time. Getting to know someone.

Annette Benedetti: 23:18

Yeah, now you get your male clients, you get your female clients and they send in their questionnaires. How do you decide who you're gonna put together? Do people just kind of pop up for you right away, or do you sometimes go dude, I don't know who I'm gonna match you with, and how many dates do you try to get each of your clients, or what is the typical requirement just to get someone to someone they like?

Paula Pardel: 23:50

Yeah, everybody's different. Sometimes it's the first one out of the gate, you know, and I'm like, yes, that's nice, but sometimes it takes a little bit because I'm not a magician, I can't, you know, gauge chemistry for someone. But typically I would say, you know, I try to get everyone at least two dates a month at least, and I wouldn't take on someone as a client unless I was pretty sure that I already had matches for them. And one piece of advice is that pretty much all matchmakers have a free database that you can get into If you Google matchmaker in your area. And if they have a free database, get into all the matchmakers' databases, even across the country, because they're working with people who are dating intentionally, for real, and they need matches for these people. So if you come up as a match for one of their clients, you know it doesn't guarantee anything, but if you do come up as a match for one of their clients, they're reaching out to you and that's free for you because we're recruiting for our client.

Annette Benedetti: 25:03

Wait a second. This is big, so you can there's two sides of it. Yeah, Can you explain this to me? So you can look up matchmakers in your area or across the country and you can get into their database? Is what you're saying? Have yourself put in their database and then, if someone they're trying to match sees you or you see a fit, then they're gonna reach out to you.

Paula Pardel: 25:34

Right and it's private. You know it's not something that anyone's swiping through and you'll get invited to. You know a lot of us have events and things like that. You'll get invited to events and I've matched a lot of my free people to my paying clients because we're you know, we're a bit it looks like a recruiter. We're recruiting for our clients, so we need inventory and it sounds sort of cold, but you know we need people.

Annette Benedetti: 25:58

Do you find you need more women or men?

Paula Pardel: 26:01

So my marketing, where I spend my money on marketing, is marketing towards men. Mostly Women are open to these sorts of things. They get it.

Annette Benedetti: 26:11

Right, right, all right. Well, so look up the matchmakers in your area and do you just Google free database or you go to their website, since easy to find.

Paula Pardel: 26:22

Yeah, just Google matchmaker in your area and most of us have a free database. Some people will charge a little bit to be in their database, but they do offer something along that with that, like a coaching session, or if they do charge, they'll make you like a premium database member because they know a lot more about you.

Annette Benedetti: 26:42

All right. Well, that right there. That's the golden tip. All right, so someone pays you to do this and a good amount? Is that for an unlimited amount of dates? Have you found that some people need more? You know you send someone on their first date. They find love great. Have you ever found someone that is like we're 10 dates in and it's still not working out?

Paula Pardel: 27:09

Yeah, and we do. We'll have a head to head. You know I'm coaching them, talking to them. You know what do you think is going on with these dates? You know, and the feedback so helpful because I get the feedback from both sides. A lot of times the story is somewhere in the middle, you know, but you know, so helping them through that. And generally when I do a contract, I sign it for an amount of time six months a year and it's not based on number of matches, because that's just tough. I don't wanna promise what I can't deliver. I'd rather under promise and over deliver.

Annette Benedetti: 27:43

Yeah, that's interesting. So this is more into the process. Someone goes on a date, they get done with the date. They come back. You get the rundown on the date from both sides. That is a goldmine of information. What have you learned? What have you learned from that?

Paula Pardel: 28:05

I have an older gentleman who's very horny and he talks about sex too soon and it turns women off. And it's not that they're not. I've already, you know, spoken to them about these things and they do like sex because I tell them, you know that I don't check for that, because I know that's what he wants, you know, and but he just gets into it too soon and it's just a big turn off for women, you know. And so we've had to go back and talk about that and I think he's realizing his mistakes and he's not talking about that. And it's not that he's he really is looking for the one, he's just he's had bad experiences in the past, I guess you know. And then what else? Sometimes we don't listen, you know, we talk over people. Oh, we talk about our exes. That's number one. Oh my Lord, you cannot talk about your exes or your past. You're there to get you know, to move forward and to talk to that person. You can talk about all that stuff, you know, once the relationship proceeds a little bit more.

Annette Benedetti: 29:08

That's great advice. Don't talk about your exes, and I think also in my experience like ask questions If you're just talking about yourself all the way through the day. That's bad, Bad.

Paula Pardel: 29:23

Asking open, asking open-ended questions. You know questions that like there's a lot of different questions you can ask, but like what is your happiest memory? What's your favorite place to travel to, for instance, because that elicits joy into someone and they want to talk about that. And then the you know you can find commonalities throughout the conversation and it carries the conversation into different places.

Annette Benedetti: 29:49

Open-ended questions. That's a great tip for dating. Any other tips? Let's say, what are some tips for going on dates that you would give to men specifically, and then we'll do women.

Paula Pardel: 30:01

Listen, be a good communicator, complement her on something other than the way she looks. I think it's a good idea, although we like to, we all, you know. We all know what we like to be told. We look nice, but, you know, deeper compliments are always a good thing to dress nice, look nice, get a haircut, shave, you know, don't wear your, you know, long, long, long clothes and things like that.

Annette Benedetti: 31:21

And that's for seven dates. Guys, seven dates. Do all of those things, please. I want y'all to know I have been on dates with both men and women, both men and women who have shown up in what looked like clothes they had been wearing for a week and unshowered, and I've just been like, are you kidding me? Do you know how much effort I put in to myself to go on a date? I start two hours ahead of time, two hours to make sure my stuff is dialed in. I would like to have a date that looks at least like they put you know, a solid 45.

Paula Pardel: 32:03

Yeah, they don't put it as an effort for a date or they get to put effort into the relationship. I mean it makes them look lazy and slob and like for women and men, when you look nice, you don't just look nice for that other person, you look nice for yourself and you feel good about yourself. Confidence is the best thing you can wear to a date.

Annette Benedetti: 32:23

Confidence is definitely the best thing you could wear to date. So for women, what are the top dating tips for them?

Paula Pardel: 32:33

Well, you know they shouldn't be hung up on the past. You know the X talk. You know they can't do that. You know they have to embrace their femininity a little bit too. You know we all have our feminine, masculine side, and any more these days women have to be more powerful at work. You know we have. You know we have to be movers and shakers at work or whatever. But you have to dial that down a little bit once you go on a date and embrace your femininity, because you know a lot of guys, you know they appreciate that and you know they want to take care of a woman, you know. So, just embracing those difference, and you know on the other side, two men have to embrace their masculine and their feminine sides also. You know being open and being communicative. You know like it's a working out yourself, because you know traditionally men aren't supposed to show emotion. You know they're supposed to be strong and proud and you know they're not supposed to do that. But that's not good for a relationship.

Annette Benedetti: 33:39

Yeah, isn't that interesting. Actually, what it kind of comes down to on some level is everybody needs to get a little bit more feminine, right? I mean, that's that is the relationship making stuff when you can be soft and vulnerable with each other and let down like we live in this world that is so demanding and asks for us to be just so hard and aggressive. And when we come into dating scenario, we want to be in our fun, soft, vulnerable, open parts of ourselves and I don't think traditionally that's where men went and now we're like hey, we need you here because this is the downtime side of us and this is where we're going to really enjoy our relationship, right?

Paula Pardel: 34:27

And you brought up fun Dating should be fun. You know you went on a date. It was, it was okay or it was terrible. Just chalk it up to learning. You know I learned something from that and I'm going to move forward and I'm going to date someone else and maybe the next time it'll be different, right?

Annette Benedetti: 34:45

right, all right. Red flags on a first date. What are for my listeners when they're on the date they planned for this weekend? What are your top three red flags? Let's start with women. If these things are happening, red flag it.

Paula Pardel: 35:07

A woman too needy, the X talk first too needy.

Annette Benedetti: 35:16

Can we talk about that for a second? In my experience and it's interesting because this does, of course I am bisexual. I have dated both men and women. I think how that's shown up in my dates with women. I've had women I've gone on first dates with who are literally like they're just like are you going to like want to move in with someone soon, like they get into this, like truly you haul, if things go well tonight, I'm looking at when are we going to move in together, when I want you to be monogamous tomorrow, like you are mine, how many other dates do you have lined up? And for me, that's true, that is too much. I'm like I'm just trying to decide if I want date two right now man.

Paula Pardel: 36:05

Yeah, you know talking about that, those things too soon is going to freak anybody out. You know you got to take it slow, you know, and just you know moving forward, and you know the purpose of a first date is to close the deal and get a second date. Ask for that second date while you're on the first date. Oh, I love that, if you're feeling it.

Annette Benedetti: 36:26

That is a great tip. So for women, don't be asking about marriage yet, let's just try to get date two. So, and then talking about exes, and then maybe a third one. What's a third red flag we throw out?

Paula Pardel: 36:40

for the women not listening to him talking over him, and it goes both ways All right.

Annette Benedetti: 36:47

Men, I think I can think of a million red flags, but I want you to give me the top, the top three red flags, that men need to watch out for it's hard to break it down to the top three, but we can do it.

Paula Pardel: 37:00

I know, I think, gosh, my mind goes so many different places. But there we go. The communication thing, you know, listen to her Really, you're there to get to know her. You know, don't flirt with other people. Oh God, pay the check, don't be rude, can we?

Annette Benedetti: 37:16

go back to. Don't flirt with other women, just look for one night. You are with this person for a limited amount of time. If it is so hard for you not to check out other and I'm not look, we're all human Once you are in a relationship with someone. The reality is we do look at other people and we should all like chill out about that stuff. But on your first date, like be focused on the person in front of you and ask her questions. We will notice if you're checking out other women or being too friendly. Oh yes.

Paula Pardel: 37:50

We do notice that we, you know. That is one thing about women. We do pick up on a lot. You know, when I get a brand, someone as a client, I'll take them out to eat because I want to see how they interact with people. You can learn a lot from somebody over a meal. How they treat people, you know. Are they, you know, picky?

Annette Benedetti: 38:10

And I imagine men do this more often than women Bring up sex on the first date.

Paula Pardel: 38:17

Yeah, don't bring up sex, I mean don't sexualize her right off the get go, because she's going to think that you're just in it for one thing.

Annette Benedetti: 38:25

Right, and you know, sometimes we all are in it for one thing, and I would not hire a matchmaker for that. I would hit Tinder. That's where you do that kind of thing. Do not waste your money on a matchmaker if that's what you want to do Right.

Paula Pardel: 38:41

If you're looking just to hit it with somebody, that's fine. You know, if everybody's all on board for it, cool. And if you can do that mentally cool, Good for you. But yeah, that's not the kind of people I work with?

Annette Benedetti: 38:54

How long does it typically a contract with someone? How long does it typically take for you to find them?

Paula Pardel: 39:02

I could like a six month contract. I think three months isn't enough. I've done three month contracts. I think six months is just about right. A year might be a little too much to work with someone, like if it's taking you a year it's.

Annette Benedetti: 39:17

maybe it's you, Maybe you need to go back to the therapist.

Paula Pardel: 39:22

And you know, sometimes you know their issues are out of my scope of practice. I guess you could say so I will refer them. One thing that's cool that I started doing is I'm working with an autism coach. He works with people who are on the spectrum of having a social life and dating. So we're working together to help people that on the spectrum find love too.

Annette Benedetti: 39:50

Oh my God, I love that. I love that because I think more and more people are finding that they are Like they've been misdiagnosed and those have been some of the barriers for them to finding love. And so maybe at some point in the near future, you and I could sit down and have a conversation and give people who are on the spectrum some advice on their dating life, because I'm sure that looks a lot different for them.

Paula Pardel: 40:21

Well, I would love to it does look for different from them because they just have they don't have those social skills and they don't. They don't read people as well.

Annette Benedetti: 40:33

Okay, Well then we will. We will bookmark that and we will get that out there for you listeners. So if you or someone you know is on the spectrum, I'm going to have Paula come back and give us some answers about how to go about dating it when you are on the spectrum. So before we go because we're at that time, we're sending my listeners off with some of your best dating advice. What are some pieces of advice you can give them that they probably haven't heard often or don't want to hear, but that, in your opinion, are some of the most important things when dating to find love that you think are going to be key to getting them to that long-term relationship.

Paula Pardel: 41:20

Being ready to move forward, having a positive attitude about it. No one wants to date someone that is negative. You know, as a Debbie Downer or whatever, you know having that positive attitude and generally what you put out there is what you're going to get back. So you know you have to carry yourself well, be open-minded, and we had already mentioned, you know, working on yourself.

Annette Benedetti: 41:47

You need to be ready, not just wanting someone because you want someone, but you need to actually be ready and emotionally available. And what benefits would you say are offered through matchmaking versus hitting the apps?

Paula Pardel: 42:07

Well, I guess the benefit is that you've got someone you know working on your behalf advocating for you. When I bring up a client, you know I'm vouching for them. They've had a background check and I'm here vouching for that client. You know sort of like it's about marketing. You know you do have to market yourself. It's not as that sounds, but you do. You know we're marketing you to. You know whoever you want to find and I'm doing that for you on your behalf. You know telling that person how wonderful you are, what you want and he's a great guy. And you know he's dating with intention. That's a big thing, you know. I let people know that. You know we're not playing games, we're not looking for hookups, we're not doing all that ghosting and all that other stuff. We are looking for a relationship.

Annette Benedetti: 43:02

So a big benefit would be that you bypass things like no one's going to be ghosting each other. They're not going to do that while they're under you. That's, I assume, unacceptable behavior. I am also assuming you do some of the curation of the photos and the the profile that you share, so you know that you make sure they don't send or put up bad photos, right.

Paula Pardel: 43:28

No, we don't do that. We don't do bathroom selfies and fish pictures and stuff like that. You know you do have to put your best foot forward and have good photos. I work with a wonderful personal photographer. We'll give you a make. Women, you know, sometimes they want to make over and that just makes you feel good. You know, whenever we get a makeover, we feel good. We have good pictures, you know, and the pictures are going to be real pictures. You know you're someone that could show up on the date and be a totally different person with 10 year old pictures or anything like that either.

Annette Benedetti: 44:02

So you bypass that. Do you help them write a profile or do you put the profile together for them?

Paula Pardel: 44:08

I'll help them write the profile. I will help people on the apps a little bit. Sometimes they like to do like more of a hybrid approach to matchmaking, where I'm working with a matchmaker, also coaching them on the apps. You know, getting the photos right, writing your profile to attract the kind of person you want to attract. Those first texts. Oh, and you know the big thing in modern relationships I think these texting relationships that people think they can get into with each other.

Paula Pardel: 44:38

People text too much. You can't text into a relationship. You've got to. If you know. If you can't meet in person, get on the phone, make plans If you feel comfortable, meet them. You know if you're meeting them. You know off of dating app, make sure you're. Somebody knows where you're going, you're in a public place, but you have to meet someone. You can't just text a relationship. We build a false sense of what someone is over text Good or bad. You know I've got doctors that don't like to text and people say, is he a literate? I'm like, no, he's not a literate, he's a doctor. He just doesn't want to text. You know people have different style of texting. You know just short and quick texts and the other people want to write a book and they get offended. If you know, one person is a different style of textors. My God, it, just it goes sideways in so many ways.

Annette Benedetti: 45:27

So you, you coach with the texting, you coach them in their texting. That is a big benefit to matchmaking boy. I've texted with people that really, really could have used your help, and so here's a question that just popped into my mind with you talking, I didn't realize you do hybrid, which is awesome. What app out of all of them would you recommend to people?

Paula Pardel: 45:55

A lot of people ask that and I wouldn't recommend any one app over the other. I would recommend the apps that you feel better with on how they work. You know just the way. You know the batching works and things like that, and the apps are going to be different in any area that you're in. You just have to be careful on the app, you know. Stay safe, have a little bit of an open mind, you know, and I, you know I coach them on. You know being safe and how to check people out with a lot of not a whole lot of information. You know my job is a little bit of detective work. You know we got to find out about these people, but you know the apps can work. You know it's tough, though A lot of times by the time people get to me they're like heck. No, I don't want to be on the apps anymore at all. I just want you to take care of it for me.

Annette Benedetti: 46:48

Right, right. So you're getting a lot of extras with a matchmaker. You're getting someone who's curating your matches, who's helping you create profile. That isn't humiliating?

Annette Benedetti: 47:03

I have to tell you, I'm mortified, especially in my age range, which, let's say, between the ages of 40 and up.

Annette Benedetti: 47:12

Men do not, should not be creating their own profiles. They just I don't know what you guys are doing, but it's, it's, it's nightmarish, like I could put some scary music behind me while flipping through profiles and be like this is how I will die if I go on on dates with these guys. So it's nice that you are offering all of that help. I also think for people who especially if you are not thick skinned like ghosting happens a lot in the dating world on apps and when you don't have help, being treated poorly, being sent dick pics, I mean like terrible things said, I happen to have a thick skin and it's like water off my back, but I know that a lot of people are really truly traumatized and deeply emotionally affected by some of the treatment that takes place on apps, and so I have to assume that when you have a matchmaker, you've got someone basically emotionally taking care of you and making sure that you aren't receiving this kind of treatment that can be so damaging to your ability to connect.

Paula Pardel: 48:29

It's too bad. People are like that, you know, and if they do get bad responses, I'm there to you know. Tell them that. You know that he wasn't for you. She wasn't for you, you know. Let's move forward, put it behind you. In the age of social media, so many people hide behind their screens and they feel like they can say all these things that they wouldn't necessarily say to someone's face, which is unfortunate.

Annette Benedetti: 48:56

So I just assume that going to matchmaker weeds out just most of that kind of stuff.

Paula Pardel: 49:04

Oh yeah, yeah, I can't weed out a lot. If they're going to, you know, continue on the apps. But you know, when you're working with me on a matchmaker, know that those things are not happening and if they do, they're gone. I don't put up with that at all.

Annette Benedetti: 49:17

There are things that you would cut someone off for. Just for my listeners looking for a safe option, something that they're like, oh you know, a matchmaker is worth it just to know that these are the things that would be weeded out in her screening process.

Paula Pardel: 49:36

I do a background check. It's a comprehensive background check. You know we'll make sure they aren't a criminal or acts murder. And especially women with children. We want to make sure that they don't have bad intentions with them. You know that would scare me to death. Dating, you know, with my kids, you know I'm there for you, you know being, you know, supportive and your cheerleader and you know wanting to make you succeed.

Annette Benedetti: 50:03

If a woman goes on a date with a man and something bad does happen, or he says something rude, or he and let's I don't want to just say one way or the other If a man or a woman goes on a date with someone and then they ghost them or they do something really rude or awful at dinner or whatever, what are some things that would cause you to drop someone as a client for treatment of another person?

Paula Pardel: 50:33

Someone that's not open to criticism or someone that doesn't take my advice, that keeps on doing the same things over and over again. That jeopardizes my reputation as a matchmaker.

Annette Benedetti: 50:44

So matchmakers keep you safe, weed out the riffraff and on the side they're helping people on the apps. I hope I hope you know got to upgrade some of the game out there. So, after listening to this, if someone is wanting to hire you, how Can they find you where? And I also know, on your website you actually also update with articles with dating advice and stuff like that. So how can my listeners find you?

Paula Pardel: 51:15

You can find me on my website, bloom B-L-O-O-M matchmakingcom. I'm on all the social media Facebook, instagram, linkedin. Fred, yeah, finally, give me a call, my phone number. I accept phone calls. I got my phone number on my website. I'd love to talk to people.

Annette Benedetti: 51:36

Do check out, paula. And Paula, we will be talking to you soon. I would love to talk about dating on the spectrum. Thank you so much for joining me today. Thank you, it was a lot of fun. Yeah, it was tons of fun. I learned a lot. So, listeners, until next time I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers, cheers.

Paula Pardel: 52:05

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