Why Women Stop Wanting Sex (& Why It’s Not Your Fault)

Why do so many women lose interest in sex—and why is the blame so often placed on them?

In this episode of Talk Sex with Annette, Annette is joined by Dr. Trina Read to unpack what women are really saying when they say, “I just don’t want sex anymore.”

We talk about:

• Why low desire is often a reasonable response, not a personal failure
• How pressure, routine, and male-centric sex shut down arousal
• What’s happening in the body and mind during long-term relationships
• Why orgasms alone don’t guarantee satisfying sex
• Small, practical shifts that help women reconnect with desire

This episode is for:

• Women questioning their libido
• Partners who want to understand what’s beneath the surface
• Anyone tired of being told to “fix hormones” instead of fixing the experience

By the end of this conversation, you’ll have a clearer, shame-free framework for understanding women’s desire—and how to start changing it.

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Chapters

• 1:38 New Show Name And Mission
• 3:49 Why Women Lose Desire
• 4:37 Meet Dr. Trina Reed
• 6:24 The Real Causes Of Low Desire
• 11:30 Male‑Centric Sex Explained
• 16:07 What Female‑Centric Sex Looks Like
• 20:54 Penetration, Tenting, And Timing
• 26:27 Fight For Your Pleasure
• 30:14 From Head To Body
• 35:38 Desire, Objectification, And Connection
• 42:54 Practical Steps To Rekindle Libido
• 45:32 Where To Find Dr. Reed

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:54

I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast formerly known as Locker Room Talk and Shots. The show has a new name, Talk Sex with Annette. But at its core, this is still your locker room. It's where we strip away shame, get curious, and speak the unspoken about sex, kink, dating, pleasure, and desire. Around here, nothing's off limits. These are the kinds of conversations we save for our boldest group chats, our most trusted friends, and of course, the women's locker room. Think raw, honest, and sometimes unapologetically raunchy. If you've been here from the beginning, thank you. And if you're new, welcome to my podcast where desire meets disruption and pleasure becomes power. Now, let's talk about sex. Cheers. Today's talk sex within that topic is why so many women stop wanting sex and how to fix it. We talk about women losing desire like it's a personal failure, like their libido just disappears. Like hormones just go rogue. But what if low desire isn't a problem at all? What if it's actually a brilliant response to pressure, resentment, emotional overload, and sex that stopped being about them a long time ago? Today's guest has spent over 25 years dismantling the myths that keep women disconnected from their pleasure. Dr. Trina Reed is an internationally recognized sexologist, best-selling author, and the creator of the Taboo Show, a radical, refreshing take on women's desire that refuses to shame, pathologize, or fix women for responding intelligently to their lives. This conversation is for every woman who's ever wondered, why don't I want sex anymore? And every partner who actually wants to understand what's happening beneath the service and how to heat things up again. Before we dive into this conversation, of course, I've got to remind you that I'm over on OnlyFans, and there I'm sharing my sex and intimacy, how-tos, demos, and audio guided self-pleasure meditations, and so much more. You can find me there with my handle at TalkSex with the net. You can find me on the Substack doing a whole lot of the same. And the handle there is the same. And you can scroll down to the show notes below where you're going to find all the links to find me anywhere you want to. And you're going to find all the links to find our guest wherever you want to as well. But for now, Dr. Torina, can you tell my listeners a little bit more about you?

SPEAKER_00: 3:32

Well, I'm Dr. Trinarid. I'm a Canadian sexologist, which means I will need to apologize at least 10 times during this interview. It's just natural for us Canadians to do that. I have been married for 23 years. I have two teenage sons, which I think is an important part of this conversation because people just assume because I'm a sexologist, I am having sex crazy wild sex. And the truth is, I'm just a regular woman from the middle part of Canada in a in an average marriage. And we've had our ups and downs. I've I've felt asexual. I've gone through perimenopause and now into menopause. I mean, we've as a couple have done a gamut of how to how like you go apart and then you come back together again. And I really feel like when I'm talking to people, I'm really walking my talk. So, you know, something I know for sure is wherever you are in your relationship, if you're single or if you've just met somebody or you've you've been with somebody for a long time, regardless of where you are, you can have an amazing sex life. And it doesn't have to be a lot of work. It's really about a lot of times it's about a mindset change, which we'll get into.

SPEAKER_01: 4:52

Yes, we will. So, listeners, I think it's obvious why you want to stay to the end, but I'm confident for many of you this resonates, whether you are a woman experiencing disinterest in sex or a partner to a woman. And by the end of this podcast, and by the end of this podcast, you are going to have some real takeaways that will start changing that starting well tonight or whenever you're done listening to this episode. So tune in, listen close, and get well on the way to changing your sex life. Get well well on the way on that journey. We're gonna take you there, Dr. Trina. Let's get ready to talk about women and sex and what we need to want to have it. Cheers. Cheers. All right. So I want to start with when women say, I just don't want sex anymore, what are they describing beneath that sentence?

SPEAKER_00: 5:52

I think what is not discussed, and I think it's getting better now. So there's a lot of us around. We've got a lot of podcasts, we've got a lot of Instagram accounts. So I'm seeing this more and more that the way we're expected to have sex is broken. So women think they are broken, but in fact, the way we are expected to have sex is not it's like it's good, it's fine, but it's more geared to how men want to have sex. And there's a lot of reasons for that. This is not men's fault. This is just how we learn to have sex. When women have male-centric sex over and over again, it's a kind of a no-brainer why she loses interest because there's nothing in the sex for her. And people say, Well, I make sure that she has an orgasm first, but you know what? Orgasms are like sneezes, they can just become a bodily response. But so having an orgasm doesn't necessarily satiate a woman's body, her mind. It's about creating an overall experience. So when women say, I just don't feel like sex anymore, I'm like, of course you don't feel like sex anymore. Why would you? So I think the more important question is how do you start wanting sex? And I would say the best way is to start understanding and start tracking your thoughts going into the sexual experience. There's it's called sexual arousal are the things that help you anticipate sex. So when you know sex is going to happen, I just want you to start paying attention to your thoughts before sex, your thoughts during sex, and your thoughts after sex. Now, in the best case scenario, when sex is initiated, you're like, yippee, it's time to have sex. My body is gonna be, I'm gonna have it, we're gonna have so much sun, we're gonna be close, it's gonna be great. We're like, it's gonna be this really wonderful connection between us two. I mean, that's what we're all going for. But a lot of times when women keep having sex that doesn't work for their body, they're walking into the sexual experience going, ah, do we have to have sex now? Or is it like, or they're self-conscious about their body, or they're self-conscious about performing. Like a lot of women get into this faking orgasm performance thing where, you know, and they can't seem to dig themselves out of it. So there's a lot of thoughts that are going on before you're having sex. And trust me, this will absolutely impact your will, want, and desire and your b and your ability to move from all the thoughts and everything and into your head and move into your body's desire. So the more negative you like the more you're looking at this, like, oh my gosh, do I have to have sex? The more difficult it's going to be to move into your body. Now, once you get into a relationship, there's a thing called delayed sexual response. And what that simply means is it's going to take women some time to move from her thought and into her body. So the longer you've been with your partner, the longer your delayed sexual response. So if you're like me and you've been with your partner for 23 years, you can expect a pretty long sexual, like delayed sexual desire. So during that, where your mind is so going, where you haven't connected with your body, again, I want you to start paying attention to the thoughts that are going on in your head. And a lot of times it's, I'm not there, I'm not there, it's like a little, I'm kind of bored, you hear you're looking over at the clock, seeing what time it is, like you're completely disengaged. And a lot of times, because the average sexual experience lasts from 12 to 15 minutes, by the time you're calming down your head, your delayed sexual response is dissipating and you're moving into your body, the sex is over. So your thoughts after sex, when your partner's needs have been met, but your needs have not, or a lot of times it's you're like, why did I bother? This was not fun for me. And there's for a lot of women, there's that resentment. So the very first thing women need to start paying attention to is really just her mindset and how that is fundamentally affecting her will, want, and desire to have this experience with her partner.

SPEAKER_01: 10:36

Yeah. So much of that resonates. I want to go back though, okay, to male-centric sex. Early on, you said that when a woman had male-centric sex over and over again, you know, their desire dissipates. Can we talk about what does that mean? What is male-centric sex?

SPEAKER_00: 11:03

It's when we focus on the three hotspots and focus on orgasm. So the purpose of this encounter, of this sexual encounter, is for each of us to orgasm. And there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes that's exactly what you need. But what tends to happen is a lot of partners, men and women, we're only we only have limited knowledge in how to pleasure somebody's body. We find out what the person we're with, what they like, and we keep doing the same thing over and over again. And when we're first with somebody, what they really like is having their hot spots touched. I like to call it the chicken dance. The chicken dance. Yeah, that's the chicken dance. So, like, and and you're welcome because the next time you walk into sex, you're gonna be like like doing the chicken dance, and you're gonna be like, oh my god, the song's in my head. But so the thing is when there's no, when there's nothing outside of just stimulating, coming to orgasm, boom, you're done, it gets boring. It's I liken it to if you think of your most favorite meal, and you were to have that most favorite meal 365 days a year for 10 years, even if it was like fabulous, you would get bored of it. So I think the trick is with male-centric sex, is it's not that it's bad, it's just that it gets routine and boring. So that's where you need to bring something different in.

SPEAKER_01: 13:26

So what you're saying is male-centric sex is just going straight for the genitalia or the sexy spots, the breasts, the vulva, the clit, those parts where you get off really quick and you get to the orgasm. Or is it also that male-centric sex focuses specifically on the orgasm?

SPEAKER_00: 13:49

It's both. Male, men tend to like immediate and direct stimulation to their penis, which is great. That's fine. And they assume because we because women don't tell them that treating our clit like a remote control, it's some, it's not fun. And sometimes it's even painful. It's like and the women, and I mean, women have to take responsibility here because it's up to us to be saying, hey, you know who I get back off. That's this is not the men's fault. They just assume that we want the same thing as them and we have to tell them that we don't. But so it's it's both so same. It's going after the three made hotspots, breast, bulva, penis, and also like the whole point of this encounter, this experience is for both of us to orgasm. That's the point. There's no sensuality, there's no kissing, there's no massaging, there's no it's just it's a bodily release. And I think women, a lot of women just need a lot more than that.

SPEAKER_01: 14:53

So let's pause for a minute and talk about then in a reverse world, one that we absolutely do not live in, where sex was female-centric, what would from your professional opinion, female-centric sex look like? Let's give men a picture of what that would look like so they can try it.

SPEAKER_00: 15:21

Sure. Well, actually, I've got an example in my book, You Me Bed Now. So for and it's tongue-in-cheek, but let's just say that what sex was a full body massage. So every time you walked into sex, she would get a full body massage. And it's great. It's wonderful. Like it's great for both partners. They're both enjoying it. It's both, but then after doing that over and over again, he wants something more. He wants something more out of the experience instead of just this full body massage. So I would say that an optimal experience for women is turning everything on its head. So sex isn't the encounter that you have with your partner. Sex is everything that happens in between that. So it's the other 24-7, however often you have sex, it's those emotional connection times that you have that where you're flirting and you're touching and you're kissing, and there's no expectation. So when you touch your partner and hug them and you kiss them and you flirt with them, but it's just about creating these erotic threads, that's what satiates women. It's those connection points in between the sexual experience. And the thing is, when you are able to start creating these connection points, when you walk into the sexual experience, this thing we call delayed sexual response shortens significantly. Like women are able to really get into their body so much faster. I hope that answers your question.

SPEAKER_01: 17:08

It sounds to me like all of the actions that make a woman feel desired, wanted, turned on, sexy, those are the things that A, shorten that delayed response, right? Because if all day long your partner is, you wake up in the morning and your partner is getting ready and they stop and they kiss you and they give you your coffee in bed and tell you how gorgeous you are. And then throughout the day, they're like sending you sweet texts and you know, you're warming up. That's like foreplay, like foreplay happening all the way through your day. Then you get home and they like greet you and kiss you and run their fingers through their hair and compliment you. You know, that those pieces sent, like that's I always say from my point of view, that in it in and of itself is sex. It's the foreplay, it's connection with the intention of building something that will be physical at some point in time. And then, of course, once you are in the sexual space, it's also all of that stuff that happens before before the penetration is inevitably coming, right? That will lead to with men, we are talking. By the way, I'm going to make sure this is clear. We're talking primarily in a cis relationship, right? That's right.

SPEAKER_00: 18:35

That's yeah, that's my specialty. Right.

SPEAKER_01: 18:37

Just for my listeners. I my listeners know I'm pansexual, so I have partners all genders. But I think in even for myself and relationship with men, once you know the penetration is coming, there is this feeling, right? And if you aren't to the place where you want it, like where you're like, this is gonna feel good, there's this feeling of, okay, I'm gonna now I'm gonna be pounded away at, and then it's gonna end. And I don't know if I'm gonna be able to get there in time. Like there is just that feeling. Okay, here it comes.

SPEAKER_00: 19:15

Yeah, coup de gras, if you will. Every woman who's had sex with a man has, and no judgment against men, but every woman who's had sex with men has had that experience of okay, it's intercourse time, and it's like oh, we're waiting the intercourse time out. The time that's supposed to be special and connecting, and I'm just looking at my watch, waiting for this to be done. And how long is it? It's gonna pound. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 19:39

I think it's interesting though, because it's such a shame because that part of sex can actually be really incredible if it's done right, right? It can be something you yearn for and you want to have last if we've gotten there by the time it's happened.

SPEAKER_00: 19:58

So I think physiologically, a lot of people don't know that. So a woman's entire pelvic floor, it's called it needs to be engorged with blood. So I like to give the anal, I like to give the example of so when a man becomes aroused, his five to six inch, seven-inch tube becomes engorged with blood. And that's how, and it's pretty obvious that he is aroused. But it takes because the orgasmic platform, her entire pelvic floor, is a much bigger surface, it takes about 15 to 20 minutes for that to engorge with blood. When you've got multiple things going on, so she's got a delayed sexual response. It's she's in her head, she's not in her body, and and her orgasmic platform is not revved up. It's gonna, that's why every sex expert under the sun says foreplay, because what they're saying is make sure that her orgasmic platform is all juicy and ready. So, what happens with the vaginal canal is when it's unaroused, it's a collapsed tube. And when it becomes aroused, it becomes like a tube and it starts to lubricate.

SPEAKER_01: 21:16

I want to stop and focus on that. I look, guys, if you've been listening to my how-to's, I've gone over lots of like fingering videos. And this, you're you just talked about the tube, the vaginal canal. And this is so important. And this is I often say I feel much more confident in bed with women than I do with men. Because, well, A, I know how things feel on my body, but also one of the coolest signs, if you want to know when it's a good time to look at penetration, probably is going to be fun for her. Is if you are using your fingers to arouse her, you're in foreplay. That vaginal canal, I call it tinting, but you will feel it actually, you can feel it bloom, which is hot. It's such a hot feeling. And that's something you know what nobody ever talks about. Nobody ever talks about that specific sign that you can look for a woman being turned on.

SPEAKER_00: 22:19

Yeah. So I, you know what? If you were to ask any woman what was the best sex of her life, I guarantee you it's when she was completely juiced up, her pelvic floor was engorged with blood, she was tenting, and suddenly intercourse is like, wow, like bring it on. Like, I like it's like a completely different feeling than an unaroused vagina that's collapsed. And like, and it doesn't, it's not that it hurts, but it's not that it's great. You're just that's when you're just putting up with it. And I I've got to put the Otis on women because it's frustrating when you're in that delayed sexual response, when you're in your head and you're not there yet, and I'm not you're not there yet, and you're not there yet, and you're just like skip the foreplay. Just skip the foreplay because I'm just not there and I'm not gonna get there. So let's just move on to you. So, ladies, don't just move on to your partner. This is where you've got to like start really understanding what your body is saying. And I'm sure Annette's gone through all of this many times, but you know, don't give up on yourself. Really fight for your pleasure because what you're fighting for is this connection with your partner. That's what you're fighting for. That you're fighting for this, but you want to stay close to your partner, you want to have this wonderful connection with them. So it's not just you, it's this partnership and what it can become when you understand how your body wants pleasure.

SPEAKER_01: 23:55

Yes, I have experienced all that. We've talked about some of it here, but that fight, I love that you say fight for your pleasure in that situation, because it kind of is a fight and with yourself, but it's also hard sometimes. And I'm gonna throw in, regardless of your who the gender of your partner, yeah. When your body isn't responding and saying to them, that doesn't feel good, or that hurts, or no, that doesn't work for me, because inevitably, with most people, I would I would argue 90% of people, when you're in a sexual situation and you hear that and you're doing something that's always worked before or that you thought was the thing to do, and your partner's like, ow, or or that doesn't work, it's gonna knock your confidence, right? And it's going to create a tension in the bedroom. It just is. So whether you're just getting through it or you're confronting it or speaking to it, it's going to c cause tension in the bedroom. And my guess is the combo of those two is why women start going, fuck this. I have enough challenges in my life day to day. This is just adding to the stress in my life, right? Whether it's getting through the sex or having to somehow like figure out how to tell a partner who's now frustrated in bed. That wouldn't, I think that's made me stop wanting sex. I think most women have been there. So my question is this you're at that point. You've walked us through a lot of the things that really make sex not fun or make women turn away from sex. That delayed response time that grows with the length of the relationship, which I want to get back to because I want to understand why it's with the length of the relationship, but that's frustrating. And then giving up and getting through it andor confronting it and now having to figure out how to like deal with the mess that's created in the bedroom because you said this doesn't feel good, right? What do we do when we're in this messy place?

SPEAKER_00: 26:13

Yeah. Well, I would say instead of focusing on what your partner is doing wrong, I put wrong in quotes here. I would focus on what you want. And a lot, if you were to ask the average woman on the street, hey, what do you want out of sex? She will not be able to answer. Women are not able to articulate her wants and needs. And that's the problem. Thank you. A big thing that I center my teaching around is just having women start to understand what she wants out of the sexual experience. And and it takes a long time for women to figure that out. So if you don't know where to start, I would say a good place is to understand what your preferred sense is. So there's five senses, and help me go through these. There's taste and touch and smell and feel and oh sight. That's right. Yeah. So like maybe you like to read erotica. Maybe erotica gets you off, or maybe you like the feel of silky lingerie, or maybe you like the smell of a beautiful candle. So these are the things that you like. And so I would say just start paying attention when your partner touches you. Like, all right, did they touch you in a way that makes you feel good? And how can you have more of that? So it's just looking, it's instead of what we talked about at the start of this, is what is your mindset going in, and how do you turn that mindset around? It's really about looking for the things that you like and that you want. And the biggest hurdle, the number one reason that couples, like billions of couples around the world, do not have this satisfying sex that they could possibly have, is because those, because the majority of women cannot ask her partner to do this for her. It is a huge hurdle that women have to get over. And so when you start saying, I really want this out of the sexual experience, like this is something that would make me happy. I would like my partner to give me a massage, a no-strings attached massage, where at the end of the massage, it's done. There's no intercourse, it's just about touching each other. Or maybe she wants to try mutual masturbation, or maybe she wants to take a shower together where they send each other up. And again, it's like there's no intercourse afterwards. Like women, when they think about the things that they want, it's about sensuality and touch and that closeness. And then they're too afraid to say, but I don't want the intercourse part. I just want to have this part. So my recommendation to women is to start really, really small, asking for something tiny, like saying to your partner, kiss me here, or touch touch my shoulder here. It's just getting you used to having that dialogue. And the thing that has frustrated me for the 25 years that I've been doing this job is men want to know. Men are begging to understand what women want out of the experience. And if it makes the woman a more enthusiastic participant where she's walking into the sexual experience, going, Yeah, it's gonna be so much fun. I'm so looking forward to having sex with you. Whatever it takes to get the female partner to that place, men are willing to go there. So if you say to your partner, I want a full-body massage and I don't want intercourse afterwards, like they might kind of go in there, but you know what? If they understand that this is going to like get you into a place where suddenly sex is on the menu a lot more often and you're a lot more enthusiastic and it's gonna be a lot more connection, ultimately they are in 110%. I appreciate it's incredibly difficult for women to ask for her needs to be met, but I just want women to understand that it's going to be met with a lot of enthusiasm. Like a lot of, yes, let's do this. This is great. I want to do this. It's it's a slam dunk, really.

SPEAKER_01: 30:37

Right. And I think one thing that I often just say to women and men is you can always leave the invitation open, right? Like maybe after that massage, she'll be like, on second thought, I would like to have sex, right? Just yeah, let things move and flow and leave room for the changing of the mind and see where her wants change based on the things you do together, right? Yeah. Like maybe she's like, hey, I just want a massage and I don't want the pressure of sex afterwards. And then you start massaging and you go to give her legs a massage, and she's gonna like, I'd like a happy ending. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00: 31:22

Yeah, for sure. But I feel like it's more she's in control. Like, I feel like a lot of women don't feel like they're in control of their sexual experience, they're just going along with what their partner wants to do. And women taking control of her sexual situation completely changes the dynamic for her. So you're absolutely right, where like she says she wants a massage, and then she's like she's in charge and she's taking control, and she feels that the sexual self-confidence, and suddenly that whole mind-body connection is there. She feels properly aroused. Like it's all connecting, and for sure she's gonna probably change her mind, but it's but who knows? It's up to her.

SPEAKER_01: 32:02

I also think that you've brought up quite often that she needs to move into her body. I think when men think about foreplay, they think, okay, I've got to somehow get that to happen once our clothes are already off and we're in bed. But there's good news for guys out there. You can actually do a lot of that stuff before you even get to the bedroom, right? Moving, what does it mean for a woman to move from her head into her body?

SPEAKER_00: 32:40

Good question. I don't know if anybody's ever asked me that question before. So I just think women, if they've had sex, they've had experienced the to-do list in their heads, and your partner's down there doing stuff to you, and you're trying to feel it and you're trying to enjoy it. I'm not sure if this is different for every woman, but from my experience is, you know, I'm not there yet. And then suddenly, like a light switch goes on, and then suddenly my body's into it. It's like wow, and then like I'm feeling, and suddenly everything is great. But I would just say that there's research to show that while a woman is in her thoughts and in her head, she is unable to engage her body's desire, her body's arousal. Her arousal might be there, her body might be showing the signs of becoming aroused, but her brain is inhibiting her desire. And you ask me, how does this happen? And I haven't read why delayed sexual response extends for the longer you've been with a partner. Just that's the way it is. And, you know, why what makes the shift between her brain and her body, but it's definitely there. And I think for a lot of women, sh they are not able to explain to their partner, you know what? I'm in I'm in the middle of delayed sexual response. And you know, what you're doing to me right now, it's like women aren't able to explain that to their partner. So they just kind of go along with what is happening, hoping, keeping the fingers crossed, that she's gonna be able to like snap into her body in time for before things end. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_01: 34:27

Yeah, absolutely. And I think if I circle around to the beginning of this conversation in my intro, I talked about how when women stop wanting sex, the first thing everyone jumps to is, oh, maybe it's her hormones. Or maybe she just doesn't like sex, something's wrong with her physically. Certainly there are things physically that can play into it. But what people need to understand is even when it's hormonal, you've got hormonal changes and chemistry things that are making desire for sex more difficult. If a woman enjoys sex, if the payoff is worth all of the effort that goes into it, because even fun things take effort, right? Think about it. You go on vacation, there's an effort to get ready for it so you can fully enjoy it. All the fun things you do, there's some work aspect to it. That is the same for sex, right? But if she has a sex life that makes the work part of it worth it, there's payoff, she's getting her needs met, she feels desired, her body's getting juiced up, as you called it. She's getting the sensual side of it, the self-esteem side of it, physical side of it, and then she's ready for the coup de gras, if you will, which is penetration and eventually orgasm, hopefully for both of you. Then the hormonal things, they may affect it a little bit, but they don't kill her desire. She's then motivated to fix that part of it because she's like, I want to go back to having great sex.

SPEAKER_00: 37:03

So two big factors for a woman's desire to have sex are emotional connection and feeling desired. So when a woman has a lot of emotional connection outside the bedroom, she's gonna feel a lot of emotional connection inside the bedroom. So that's what we were talking about. Sex is everything that happens outside the bedroom, the all that emotional connection, those erotic threads. And I think what happens, especially for people in longer-term relationships, is we forget to desire our partner. We forget to like covet them and like, and I know we're not supposed to say objectify because men are not supposed to objectify women, but you can objectify your partner. It's just so important to desire and objectify your partner. And when your partner feels desired and has that emotional connection, I promise you, she's gonna run to the bedroom. She's gonna be so happy to go to the bedroom because, as you say, you've put in the effort outside the bedroom. And the thing is, it doesn't have to be a lot of effort. It can just be less than five minutes a day, but it's the consistency. It's not vague, grandiose gestures. It's just like every single day you do something to make sure that you've created that erotic thread, that emotional connection that you've helped your partner feel desired. And like the cumulative effect of that over months and years, like that's gonna help her want to have sex and shorten that delayed sexual response. And then once you have sex, she's gonna be juiced up and suddenly it's that it's it the cycle goes from that negative mindset that we talked about at the start to a very positive sexual mindset. And it as you say, it doesn't really matter about it does matter about hormones, it does matter about these things. But when a woman has a positive sexual mindset, sex is better for her and for her partner.

SPEAKER_01: 39:07

100%. And yes, I love that you bring up the idea that we're not supposed to objectify women. Men are not supposed to objectify women. And it's true in many settings that are inappropriate, right? Like at work, like someone who you're not with, when you're not in a space where people are like meeting and mingling and cruising to find a partner. But when you're in a relationship, like absolutely we want to be objectified. Absolutely partner or potential partner to be like, oh, you look good. I love that juicy ass or whatever it is. Like we we do that back and forth. Like women objectify men all of the time when we just desire each other, but in appropriate spaces, folks. That that's the caveat that should be obvious, if you ask me. But in a relationship, we want to feel that we want to feel like checked out and looked at and like wanted.

SPEAKER_00: 40:05

Yeah. And one of the so many years ago, a good friend of mine, he he was telling me about gay sex, and he's like, something that happens a lot in gay sex is we we tell each other how nice our penises are. And I'm like, You're kidding me. And he's like, No, try it with your husband. And I'm like, I'm not trying this with my husband. Like, that's like that's no. He's like, I'm putting you to this. You have to go and do it. So that night I went home and in the most unenthusiastic voice, I said to my husband, Oh, well, you have a nice package. And he's like, Really? Really? Do you think so? Oh, really? Like, no, really, do you think? And I was like, Are you kidding? But I just I didn't realize how important it is for us to objectify and like see our partner as that juicy, desiring, desirous person. And they and it makes them feel good about themselves. And of course, we want our partner to feel good about themselves. I like I say that because objectifying might seem silly to you, and you're like, oh, I don't, that's not really how I do things, but you know, it's going to help your partner really feel good about themselves, which is so important to that emotional connection.

SPEAKER_01: 41:27

Right. So this brings me to our takeaways. So for people listening to this podcast, whether it's the woman who's like frustrated with her libido right now or the partner who's frustrated with her libido right now, what are some things that women and their partners can start doing tonight to start to reawaken her libido, get sex back on the table and satisfactory for both people?

SPEAKER_00: 41:58

I would say watch your thoughts going in sex before, during, and after. Be clear when you're in the middle of sex, like, what's the point of having the sex? Is it sensuality or is it just to get each other off? And how what can you add in? Like, even if you just started caressing your partner's buttocks or like doing something that you just don't normally do, just try some new touching. I would say for women, start. Understanding what you want out of this experience. No one's ever asked you. You probably have no idea what you want, but just start asking yourself, okay, so what do I want to get out of this? And then start really small, but start asking your partner to, you know, help you with the things that you want. Because I promise you, your partner wants you to be sexually satisfied. They want you to be aroused and they want to help you. So if you can tell them what you want, they're going to be 110% behind this. And I would say that the most important thing that you can do as a couple is create that five minutes a day where you're emotionally connecting, creating erotic threads. And that's going to take your relationship so far. And it's going to make your sex so satisfying is that five minutes a day outside the bedroom, those things that you do.

SPEAKER_01: 43:32

You guys got your tasks for the day or the night or tomorrow. It's the yeah, it's the small shifts that really make a big difference when it comes to how a woman feels and how desired she feels and how eager she feels about heading to the bedroom. Thank you so much for all of this information. I feel like you definitely shed a new perspective, new light on the subject. Sometimes we hear the same things over and over again fix your hormones or just the same stuff. And it's nice to look at the subject from a different angle. And especially from one that gives us a lot of power to change what's happening in our sex lives with ourselves and our partners. So thank you so much for that. Can you tell my listeners where they can find you if they want to get your books or find out more about what you're up to?

unknown: 44:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 44:28

So they can go to my website at Trinareed.com. I'm on social media and all my handles are at Dr. Trina Reed. And I have a new book coming out February 14th called The Taboo Sex Show. It's the world's first genre-bending self-help fiction. So it's taking sex ed for women and putting it into a fiction. So the taboo show is about four women who walk into a taboo sex show and walk out forever changed. And if you want to learn about communication and what you want out of sex and all these things that we just talked about, it's in that book. So please check it out. All right.

SPEAKER_01: 45:07

Well, how exciting. So, guys, go check it out. I'm sure that you will learn a lot about women want. If you are a guy and women, it will also help you open your mind to like what is it I want? Which I think is where a lot of women need to start. We are never taught about that, right? We're shamed for it. And right now is a really good time of reckoning for women where we're taking back our sexuality and prioritizing our desire. So thank you so much for joining me today.

SPEAKER_00: 45:37

Thank you for having me. It was a really fun interview.

SPEAKER_01: 45:40

All right, guys. And to my listeners, until next time, I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers.