What Women Really Say About Sex

This Talk Sex With Annette topic takes the show back to its roots when it was just a girl's sex talk podcast.

For too long, women’s most honest conversations about sex have happened in whispers — in group chats, locker rooms, and over wine when no one’s listening.

But what happens when we stop whispering?

In this episode, I sit down with writer and pleasure activist Tash Doherty, the bold voice behind Miseducated, to talk about what women really say about sex when you’re not in the room — and why it changes everything when we take the mic.

We dive into:

• The orgasm gap and why it still exists
 • Pegging, anal equality, and rewriting the sexual script
 • Why women fake orgasms (and why it hurts everyone)
 • How speaking openly about sex transforms relationships
 • What men need to understand about female pleasure

This isn’t just about women talking about desire.
 It’s about rewriting the rules of sex — for everyone.

If you’ve ever wondered what women really think about sex… this episode is your invitation to find out.

Check out Tash's Intimacy Journal Here: https://www.tashdoherty.com/shop

Find her on Substack: https://misseducated.substack.com/

🎧 Subscribe for weekly sex and intimacy how-tos

Get your subscription for my After Hours audio-guided pleasure/intimate experience here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1692988/subscribe

Subscribe to my OF: https://talksexwithannette.com/talk-sex-with-me/

Join in my 365 Days of Orgasms Journey Here: https://talksexwithannette.com/365-days-of-orgasms/

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Transcript

New Name, Same Raw Mission

Why Women Speaking Openly Changes Everything

Meet Tash: Shamelessly Sexy Writing

SPEAKER_01 0:54

I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast formerly known as Locker Room Talk and Shots. The show has a new name, Talk Sex with Annette. But at its core, this is still your locker room. It's where we strip away shame, get curious, and speak the unspoken about sex, kink dating, pleasure, and desire. Around here, nothing's off limits. These are the kinds of conversations we save for our boldest group chat, our most trusted friends, and of course, the women's locker room. Think raw, honest, and sometimes unapologetically raunchy. Welcome to my podcast where desire meets disruption and pleasure becomes power. Let's talk about sex. Cheers. Today's talk sex with a net topic is what women really say about sex when you're not in the room. Let's be honest. For too long, the most honest conversations about sex between women have happened in whispers, in group chats, over wine, and cocktails are in the women's locker room. After the world thought we'd gone home. But what happens when women stop keeping those conversations and start speaking them out loud? Here's why this episode matters. Because when women talk openly about sex, it changes everything. It changes how we see ourselves. It changes how our partners understand us, and it changes how the world talks about desire, pleasure, and power. And today we're pulling those whispered conversations out of the shadows and putting them front and centered. My guest is Tosh Doherty, writer, pleasure activist, and the unapologetically bold voice behind Miseducated. She's the author of These Perfectly Careless Things, host of a top-ranked sexuality podcast, and the creator of a Substack where she writes openly about female pleasure, sexual fantasies, and everything most people are too afraid to say. Together, we're talking about how, as women speaking out publicly about sex, it has transformed us and what it can do for everyone, no matter your gender. This isn't just about women talking about desire. It's about women rewriting the cultural script around sex. But before we dive in, I want to remind you that I'm over on OnlyFans and there I'm sharing my sex and intimacy how-tos, demonstrations, and audio guided self-pleasure meditations. You can also get a little taste of my intimacy coaching. There, I will be answering one-off questions. That means if you aren't ready to dive into and commit to a full coaching regimen, you can get a taste there. You can find me there with my handle at TalkSex within it. You can also find me on Substack with the same handle doing a whole lot of the same, minus the coaching and well, the demos. So if you want to know where to find me, scroll down to the show notes. I have all the links there. Can't wait to see you wherever you decide to find me. But for now, Tosh, can you take a moment to tell my listeners a little bit more about you?

SPEAKER_00 4:09

Yes, Annette, thank you so much for having me. Super excited to be here. So I am Tash Doherty, and I am the author of these perfectly careless things. I write a subset called Miss Educated, where my mission is to help the world be shamelessly sexy. So I focus a lot on shameless sex, having fun, being free, figuring out what you want and advocating for yourself and your relationships. And I'm also about to launch the intimacy journal, which I'm excited to talk more about. And it is a 20-day guided practice for sex writing. So exploring sexuality through poetry and journaling and writing prompts. So yes, plenty of plenty of material to go on here. Thank you so much for having me. I'm super excited to be here.

Finding A Voice Through Sex Writing

SPEAKER_01 4:47

I'm glad you're here too. And I love that you bring up the journal because today we are going to be talking about our own journeys with speaking openly about sex as women. And this really is going to tie into overall sexual communication, how it can play out in the bedroom with your partner, how it shapes and changes your lives as a whole, and it can improve your life in the bedroom with your partner. And so partners who are out there listening and thinking, I wish, I wish my wife, my girlfriend, whoever would talk more about sex with me and share their fantasies. Because writing is one way in which we can find our voice in the bedroom and in sex with each other. So I want you all to stay to the end because this really is about women talking about sex, how it can change the world and how it can change your life in the bedroom. I'm ready to talk about sex. How about you? Yeah, I'm super ready. Cheers. Cheers. The thing I love most about this episode for me is that I started this podcast four and a half years ago, I believe. Four-ish, four and a half ago. And it was initially called Locker Room Talk and Shots. That was just me and girlfriends talking about sex the way we talk about sex openly and publicly. And it's grown over the years into what it is now. And I feel like this is a great opportunity to sit down with you and really share what a journey is like for a woman who decides to talk about sex publicly, how it has affected our lives, both the good and the bad. And we advocate for women being bold enough to step into the sex space, whether it's sex education, sex wellness, or sex turn on. But so I'd like you to talk a little bit about your journey and how you ended up here.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

That's a great question. And thank you for that beautiful intro in that. And I think it's such a great topic because it does help enable us to harness all of our power, I would say. I got into this field by accident. I went to business school and worked in tech. And at one point, I always knew that I deep down wanted to be a writer. And when I started writing on my blog, Miss Educated, I wrote a piece called Get a Man Who Loves Your Bush. And it was all about not having a razor, not shaving, and having men who were very delighted in my pubic hair and what that felt like and how it was beautiful and goes against some of the societal ideas of like how women should shave or what they should look like and how we should be in our bodies. So when that all happened, I realized that I had a kick for writing about sex in a way that was very open because I feel like I'm missing a screw in my brain. I'm like shameless in that sense, or at least being shamelessly sexy is a journey that we're all on together because shame is a normal human emotion. But I just realized like actually I can explore a lot of these different very private topics, like the way that you might explore them if you were in the bathroom at a club and you were just meeting a random girl in passing. I feel like with those kinds of proximities, people can be very open and share, you know, oh, I need a tampon, or like, oh, I'm having I'm on this date. This is the situation that I'm with with this guy. What do you think I should do? So that's what I want to be, is like the girl who's in the club bathroom that you're meeting. Which again, as you were suggesting, that that can be difficult for my close friends or family or my previous partners being so honest about these very private details of my life. But ultimately, I think we only live once. And I want to be somebody who on the internet is completely honest about my experiences because there's so many people out there who aren't honest about the things that happen to us, or they we all try to portray some some version of our lives on social media. But I just want to be somebody who's like fully honest about the human experience and especially being a female. So that's why I decided to get into writing on Miss Educated.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

You mentioned that maybe women like us who might have lower filters for talking about sex probably is what got us both here. Right. How talking about intimacy and all of the quote private stuff that happens in the bedroom or wherever we're doing it, how talking about that publicly can affect your relationships. You said that it caused some issues in some of your relationships. I would love, let's workshop that because I definitely for a good two and a half years of this podcast, I was in a relationship with a cis heterosexual white man. And boy was that an experience. It came with unexpected complications for me. So I would love for you to share what your experience was.

Public Sex Talk Meets Private Relationships

SPEAKER_00 9:36

Yeah, well, I think I'll I'll give an example of a piece. One of my most popular pieces on my blog is called I Pegged My Boyfriend. So it was about a pegging experience that I had with my boyfriend at the time. Yeah, he's he the he blogged me on everything and we don't really speak anymore, which is really fair. And I wrote that piece because it was it's such an interesting experience. It's it goes against our ideas of masculinity in so many ways and challenges that. The point of the piece, while I really wrote it, was because I realized that I wasn't allowing the men in my life to feel sensitive and express sensitivity or vulnerability or weakness. And only through pegging do I did I really realize that actually men are allowed to be vulnerable and show weakness as well. So that's what I think is a very important lesson that came out of that piece. But obviously, when my ex-boyfriend read that, he recognized himself in the piece because there's only so many people that I've pegged in my life. And obviously, for him, I think that was quite a difficult experience. I anonymized all the details, his name isn't in there, and we don't even have any pictures of us on the internet. So apart from the people that would know that we dated, nobody else is ever gonna find out. But I think, yeah, for him, I can see how that was quite like a jarring experience. But I think ultimately, like that's also, I didn't, I didn't really go into the expectation and or the intention of hurting him. And also, as my experience as a woman, I was also there too. Like I was the one putting on the strap on, like I was I was participating in that and like trying to fulfill his sexual fantasies as well. And that's really what I tried to focus on. So I think as much as possible, if you're considering doing sex writing or you want to speak morally about your experiences, just remember that it's about what you've gone through. We were there as well. And you don't have to even characterize this other person in your in your writing or in your life, it's more about what you're going through in your body. And I think that's why it's really important to be able to speak fully and truly to everything that we've experienced. And yeah, but that piece is very popular. People are very curious about what it's like to peg your boyfriend.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

Right. And I think that so many of the conversations up until now have been led by men who tell the experiences that they want to tell you about, that they feel safe telling you about. So there are so many sexual, common sexual acts that men desire and get pleasure from that are so taboo and nobody knows about because men don't want to say, Oh, I got pegged and I liked it. But now women have the microphone to much to their dismay. And we're like, God damn, did you know that lots of guys have asked me to do such stuff to their ass? Yeah. You know, or like I've said on this podcast lots of times, I'm like, ah, like so many guys, like you get together with them, you haven't even had sex, and they're already asking you about anal sex before. Like, I'm like, you haven't even met my vagina.

SPEAKER_00 12:24

I also wrote this piece, which I because I feel very strongly about this. I think it's called maybe the importance of anal equality or on anal equality, because I think, especially with heterosexual relationships, there's this huge fascination with anal sex penetration for the female. And again, going back to my experience as pegging my boyfriend, seeing how much he enjoyed it, I guess, and also like gay sex. This is like there's plenty of men out there who are aware of the prostate and like all of the benefits that it has the male pleasure. That's why I advocate in this piece on anal quality, that you really shouldn't be thinking about having anal sex with your girlfriend unless you're also willing to take something up the bum in return, which is just to say that like we often get identif objectified, I think, in heterosexual relationships. And apart from the fact, unless you for you're a guy who's experienced some kind of abuse, I think it's something that you should consider.

SPEAKER_01 13:10

I'm here for the fight for anal equality. I think that again, with more and more women speaking out about their experience, I've just done two back-to-back interviews this today. And you are the second woman who's brought up pegging a guy. Like you're all getting pegged. Also, also, I just watched Hunter Wives. Did you watch Hunters?

SPEAKER_00 13:34

No, I have not watched Hunter Wives. Is it good?

SPEAKER_01 13:36

It's real good. It's real good. It's lot given me lots of masturbation material. And there is a scene, it's the first time I've really seen this on quote mainstream TV, where this very feminine woman is clearly pegging this very masculine, hot guy. And it's hot. I'm like, is she old? Oh, is she? Oh, she is, and he's just like taking it. Yeah. And it's really hot. It was shocking to me to see on main mainstream TV. Yeah. Actually.

SPEAKER_00 14:10

Yeah, I think there's a lot of overload, well, not over sexualization, but people are really pushing the boundaries and limits of what people are seeing in regular Netflix shows these days. But I will say, I think in terms of pegging, like I didn't personally find it arousing. I think that's also maybe the point of interest, which is like difficult with my ex, is that he had brought that to me in such a really beautiful and vulnerable moment in our relationship. And like little did he know, two years later or three years later, I would be like writing an article about it. So I'm not sure. I don't know. I think I I maybe feel some guilt in that sense. But I identify as a switch, which means that I can kind of like go between DOM and sub positions, even though I'm like default is my position as sub. But I think if any if you're in any kind of long-term relationship, especially today with the with the proliferation of an ethically non-monogamous relationship or open relationships, you want to satisfy your partners. You want them to feel happy and like feel comfortable and safe to be able to explore all of the different fantasies that they might have. And so yeah, I think that even if I did not find that activity like especially arousing, it was interesting. And I would try it again and I would do it again with partners. And I think it's just beautiful to be able to be all share those very intimate experiences with people that you love.

SPEAKER_01 15:18

Right, right. I do want to credit, I'm gonna, I'm gonna credit women with the and and and the queer community, women in the queer community with the more expansive sex that we are seeing in mainstream media. Because also when women start to take the mic microphone and really talk about sex and what we really desire, what you're going to notice, first of all, is that a lot of the shows and the media we grew up with, the way sex is depicted is definitely from the male gaze.

SPEAKER_00 15:56

I totally agree with that.

SPEAKER_01 15:57

Sex does not give us orgasms. That sex does not get us off. And only recently have you started to see sex where someone goes down on someone else right away. Well, woman's receiving oral sex and oral pleasure right away. I just also I'm in the middle of watching Wayward. There's this really hot sex scene with a non-binary individual or a trans man, and it shows it's a very hot sex scene that I'm like, oh, that's now that's real. And like my body turned on instantly. And I really think that's another example of from the pegging scene and Hunter Wives to that scene and the more expansive sex that we're seeing is as a direct result of more women taking the microphone and saying, I'm going to come forward and I'm gonna start talking about what sex is really like for us and what we like and writing about it, right? Or making shows about it, or writing poetry, or doing podcasts. Yeah, yeah.

Media, The Female Gaze, And Real Pleasure

SPEAKER_00 17:02

Yeah, I think that's really beautiful. And definitely there's so many different women who are and non-binary queer people. Everyone's trying to be more creative and really depict this from our own perspectives. And I think for me personally, I just think of it as a bit of fun. Like I think of it as a bit a little bit rebellious, a little bit cheeky, and and I just really enjoy it. And I think what I'm really exploring right now is how everyone's sexuality is different, the things that we're attracted to are different. Nobody's the same when it comes to our exact kinks and everything. These things that we might even subconsciously know my favorite setting on my vibrator, or what kinds of activities I want to do when I'm on a one-night stand hookup situation, like that is also important for me to have pleasure during those times as well. And right now, one of my most popular articles as well is the ultimate guide to having an incredible one-night stand. And it's all about that exact step by step to make sure that like if you're a female and you're in a heterosexual partnership and you're gonna bother to do a one-night stand, you also should be organizing multiple times if you can and bringing your toys with you and like all those different kinds of things. So I love to really just again, yeah, as you're saying, try to flip the script a little bit and really tell this from my perspective. And I think also not just not just to make it shameless, but just to make it approachable. I like to draw little cute cartoons in a lot of my articles and like little graphs and things and do like this some pseudoscience because it's just it just brings that level of like fun and playfulness to it, and which is otherwise seen as like a serious or like even a sinful topic. So yeah, that's how I like to explore writing about sex on my blog.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

I love that. Like, I I did a episode on your hoe on the go bag, like what you should have in your little hoe on the go bag, so that if you're gonna whether if you don't know you're gonna have sex, like you just want it with your face, or if you're like, I'm gonna go have sex, but I wanna be able to like have what I need clean up and split afterwards, like what you need to have in it.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

Did you have the Vespa necklace as a recommendation in that? I'm I'm in in San Francisco, I've met this amazing founder called T Chang, and she has been making pleasure jewelry for over a decade now. So basically, these vibrators also double as necklaces, so you can just wear this piece of pleasure jewelry out if you're going to dinner or like to a bar or whatever. So, yeah, that's what I also put in the article as well that like maybe you don't have time. Like, I don't know, my reusable magic wand is like quite large. So maybe I don't want to bring that in my bag when I'm like going out to the club. But maybe I would wear like a jewelry necklace with a vibrator instead. So I think there's a lot of like fun and just like, I don't know, like sneaky with yourself ways that you can explore, bringing your pleasure into any sexual interaction that you have, which is not necessarily the way that we were talking to experience sex, let alone it for it to be pleasurable and for women to enjoy themselves. Some for some reason the world doesn't believe that that should be the case. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:35

So as you have gone on this journey of speaking about intimacy, sex and intimacy openly, how has it changed your sex life?

One-Night Stands And Owning Your Pleasure

SPEAKER_00 20:48

Well, I definitely bring my toys with me all the time now, which seems basic and simple, but I think it's a real difference to say, even if I pick up some dude for the night, like I want to be able to and I deserve to have just as much fun as he has. And I also take advantage of that by having multiple orgasms if I can, because again, we have such a huge imbalance in the orgasm gap and orgasm inequality in heterosexual relationships. I try to take advantage of that and have as many orgasms as I can. And yeah, I think I just feel a little bit less ashamed of taking time for myself as well. For example, even if I'm like masturbating or whatever with this partner, like and it takes me 10 minutes. Well, that's whatever. Like I'm not as concerned about his timeline anymore. And I think it it reflects a lot on my self-esteem growing up, how I was taught to not take up very much space. It's related to like many other aspects of my life. And another example of this is like when I was crossing the street for most of my life, I would be so aware that a car was coming, I wouldn't want them to wait. So I would just run across across the street as quickly as I could. And these days I'm just taking up more space and I'm walking across the street rather than running. So I think it's again, it uh applies to that just to say that I have these needs, whether that's sexual or intimal, intimacy related or those kinds of things, and just saying that actually these do these needs do matter, and I'm gonna take time to have my pleasure happen. And yeah, I think in that sense, taking more time and letting other people be uncomfortable if I'm taking too much time. But time seems to be a huge area that it used to be a part of my sex life, and now I'm I'm trying to work on. It's like that helps a lot, I would say.

SPEAKER_01 22:21

I think for me the thing that's happened, the most profound thing that's happened over the last four years of writing and speaking about sex openly is like what I'm into has grown massively. And how what I view as sex and intimacy has changed massively. I think it's surprising to me now because when I started doing this, I I was having a lot of sex. I'd already had a lot of kind of kinky sex, um but I did have a narrow view of sex compared to what I do now. And I'm a queer woman as well. So who I was attracted to and what that was supposed to look like. And it's so much bigger now. The things I like to do that I want to do, how I'm attracted to someone, what a night of sex can look like. Um very different. Very different. I a lot of stuff. I've I come more ways than I ever even knew possible. I can communicate better in sex, but I always say, and I'm curious about for you. A lot of people assume that because I talk about sex a lot and write about sex a lot, that once I'm in the bedroom, I'm like a great communicator about sex. I still actually find especially fine. Like if it's in the one night stand, maybe I'm Like it's low, that's a low risk. So I'm like, hey, here's what I want you to do. Right. But when I get invested into someone, and I'm like, oh, I'm in the feels, or I start to get into a relationship with someone, I'm like, oh, I guess it's so hard to talk about shit. I'm embarrassed about it. And I'll even I'm I'm like, I always should be good at this, but I'm a little bit, I'm a little bit.

Tools, Toys, And The Hoe-On-The-Go Bag

SPEAKER_00 24:12

I think that's why I'm I think being shamelessly sexy is also a journey, and shame is a normal human emotion, as Brene Brown says. So it's gonna come up at every single point in the experience as well. But I think it's about just acknowledging it, right? And being like, okay, maybe I am struggling with this area and not trying to avoid it or being honest with your partner at some point if you feel like you're able to do that. But yeah, I also am like queer, and I think I mean my bisexuality is also a really interesting kind of aspect of this at exploring it because once I did more writing about these topics as well, I also wanted to loosen my definitions a little bit and realize that kinks could come in all different shapes and sizes and formats. I recently wrote an article about this as well called My Five Kinks and Why. And one of the one of the kinks is being called a good girl, even actually having time pressure, I think is really good for orgasming for me in that sense because my whole childhood was about doing really well in very intense schools and exams and performing on time. So it's so interesting. I think like the more that I write about these topics, the more that I understand my own self-psychology. And also just trying to break down some of those barriers and just realize that sexuality is so fluid and can come in so many different formats. Like I find myself being attracted to, I don't know, my more whimsical female like people in my life or like more artistic and creative. It's like it's mating and like that whole ritual is like it's so infused with what other qualities you might also be desiring in your life. And I think the more that I've been writing about it, the less shame I have around liking all different kinds of people and a better understanding of what those topics actually are. So that's why I really encourage everyone to keep a sex journal and why I also developed the intimacy journal as well, which is like a product that I'm extremely passionate and proud of. Using poetry to explore sexuality and then inspiring people with writing prompts based on the poetry to yeah, write about their different experiences around sex.

SPEAKER_01 25:59

I would dare to say that I might be getting queer as I continue this journey. I mean, I've always been queer, I've but my definition of myself as a queer woman, I feel like was a lot narrower than it is now and what I'm attracted to.

SPEAKER_00 26:18

Like what can I ask you something? Is that does that do you think that has also changed after you've had children? Because this is, I don't know, this is something that I'm maybe struggling with right now. Like I'm 30 and I do want to have children, and I could definitely have children with a woman if I wanted to. But yeah, do you think post-having children you've allowed you have more space in your life to explore female relationships, or you just it's just the flavor of the month?

Time, Agency, And Closing The Orgasm Gap

SPEAKER_01 26:39

Oh, I mean, like my kids being grown has allowed me to explore everything more. Do I think no? I don't think so. I I mean I've always been very queer. What has allowed me to be more expansive in my queerness really has been the younger generations coming up behind me who have uncovered, unearthed, created definitions for the in-between, in-between that we all feel inside of us when it comes to our interest and attraction. They've started naming those experiences. And people might say labeling them, but labels are there for a reason. They help us understand ourselves and just the way the younger I'm Gen X, so millennials Gen Z has made space for us all to be more ourselves, yeah, by finding more true definitions. That has really been what's allowed and learning about it, them teaching me about it, because I will say, say, hands down, I feel like the younger generations are definitely wiser than my generation and the older generation. We're very limited in what everything was. And allowing myself to be taught by younger generations has allowed me to have more in my life.

SPEAKER_00 29:07

It's all a journey. But I would say there's two tools that I want to point out to your listeners in this area. One is called Field, which is a queer uh kink-related dating app. And I what I will credit Field with teaching me is this term heteroflexible, which I think I identify with slightly more with than bisexual because I have not actually like dated a woman, but I have had sexual experiences with women and I am attracted to women. So anyway, this is the term heteroflexible. It's very helpful for me. And I think that was great for identifying labeling. And I learned a lot through using the app field. And then the other one is the BDSM test. So this is a more extensive questionnaire where you can actually figure out and rate whether or not you find certain activities attractive or bug in the turn you want, et cetera. And then you can figure out what type of sexual deviant you are, as they say. And it gives you a lot of also really helpful definitions of things like, I don't know, age play or subs, DOM, those kinds of topics as well. So yeah, I found that those results to also be helpful as I'm on my sexual journey as well.

SPEAKER_01 30:04

What are three sexual topics that women commonly talk about privately that men and maybe the broader world would be shocked to find out that women are like excited to be talking about and talking about, if you will, in the locker room.

Expanding Queerness And Kink Maps

SPEAKER_00 30:26

That's a really great question. I think it really depends on people individually. I've been having more conversations about types of sex toys with my friends recently. So the rose versus the reusable magic wand, those have been coming up a lot more recently. And specifically, people have, I think, are feeling more comfortable sharing the types of toys that they're using to like pleasure themselves with their partners. I also have friends that talk to me a lot about open relationships. So they were either in a monogamous relationship that wanted to be open. What does that mean? How is this person behaving in this relationship? That comes up a lot. And I don't know, I read a lot of crap on Reddit. So there's a lot of like stuff that comes up there, especially as well. And I oh, I would say another topic, which is I I don't know, I hope that all everyone who's listening to this who's female is gonna like agree with this, but dick pics. I think like so many people get sent dick pics, and it's just I don't I've never heard of a single woman in my life being like, oh my god, he sent me an amazing dick pic, and I'm just like so in love with it. It's amazing. I think like I'm not sure where that came from. Maybe I think probably it has something to do with the patriarchy and like the culture's fascination with the male genitals and like what they can do when in reality that's not really how women pleasure themselves anyway. And I think I just like I don't know, I just think sending dick pics is just like it's a represents a fundamental miscommunication in like what women actually want these days and what men are trying to provide for them. So if you're a guy out there, maybe ask your female partner what she wants or what she's interested in sexually or how she receives pleasure rather than just sending her a naked picture of your penis.

SPEAKER_01 31:59

What are some common sex acts that women do desire that men specifically would be shocked to hear?

SPEAKER_00 32:09

I think I actually talk about this a lot with my female friends too. The couple of those of us who are brave to admit that we do like anal play, I think is very important because depending on your like physiology, very few of my female friends can actually just orgasm through penetration alone, which we know is a myth anyway, which is why porn made for the male gaze. It's just it doesn't depict real pleasure. But I actually, yeah, I think a lot of girls actually do want to try butt stuff as much as they do believe in anal equality. So yeah, maybe if you're also with a female partner or you're a female yourself, may try that out and see if that's something that you do find pleasurable. So yeah, that's something that I've been going back and forth with with my female friends more recently. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:48

Bud stuff for sure.

SPEAKER_00 32:49

For sure. Yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_01 32:51

I mean, one thing I hear oftentimes from men specifically is they think that women just don't like sex. They really think women don't desire sex, that it's something that to get something from men. Can you back up the fact that that's bullshit?

SPEAKER_00 33:09

Yeah, one the one thing I think I got a lot of these insights from Dr. Laurie Mintz, who's an amazing human sexual psychology professor at the University of Florida, I believe. And she talks a lot about how we never or we should be using the techniques that we use to pleasure ourselves with our male partners. So if you think about masturbation, you're using your simulating your clitoris, you're using your toys, and yet the stat is so left out of the traditional script of heterosexual sex. So that's what I would just say is like the that's what she really talks about is that the foreplay is the main force for females. So just spend some time eating your starter for longer and really getting into that and enjoying it. Because yeah, as I've also, or like what I did recently with the partners, you kind of like switch back and forth, right? You have some penetrative sex, then you go back to some oral sex, then you kind of like go through it, like give the guy a break to like recover for a minute. So yeah, I think that just prioritizing that in our sexual scripts is really important. And I just think, especially with men, so few men are actually good at pleasing women, like physically, that if you are a man who is able to do that, you'll you will have such a crazy competitive advantage and your girlfriends will stay with you for longer and your relationships will be more successful as a whole. So yeah, definitely take time to learn how to pleasure females and it'll be great and very successful for you.

SPEAKER_01 34:25

I used to joke around with my well past male partners. I've often joked around that they needed to learn how to have girl sex, meaning two women together, because with two women together, like penetration isn't fairly involved. That's not like, oh, now sex is happening. There's so much more. And it could goes from it goes from external play, oral sex, fingering to maybe maybe using a strap on, maybe using a toy to print penetrate, maybe using what I refer to as my fucking hand. And then you're back out to the outside or laying next to each other, then maybe orals and this can go on for hours, yeah. Hours because there's not this like singular body part that is marking the end with this like explosion, right? Of mess. Exactly. That mess can be sexy at times. Um, but so I would say, oh, you guys just need to learn how to have girl sex. My last partner felt very insulted by that, that I would be like, oh, like we're basically having girl sex. And and what I have learned to do is reframe it to good sex, because it doesn't matter if a penis is involved or not, it's like the same thing. Like you should be able to move between and and it's good for both people, yeah. Like it doesn't make the sex less good for him because if a man and a woman are involved, it's more pleasure, it's all about the pleasure, right? Yeah, and yes, an orgasm can happen during that. It doesn't have to. Multiple orgasms can happen during that if you want to do it for hours. But I do think that heterosexual couples could learn a lot from watching two women and how Yeah, totally.

What Women Whisper: Toys, Openness, Pics

SPEAKER_00 36:22

That's exactly and lesbian relationships as well, also don't have that orgasm gap, right? It's only for heterosexual couples between female and male partners. And again, that's to do with the, I think a lot of it is to do with the patriarchy. And that's why I think, at least for me, just time, right? Like taking my own personal time is so ingrained in me now that I've been doing this sex writing and really reflecting on my experiences, because it really gets at the definition of shame as Brene Brown talks about it for free for female people, like socialized as women, is that we receive these messages from everyone in our lives as what we should be doing, right? And we have to pretend that we are like keeping it all together when these messages are coming at us from like 10 different angles. And that's what I really just realized is that like I need to honestly truly believe for myself that my time and my needs matter, right? And like taking that time and not just constantly thinking about what this other person is experiencing. Like, yes, I want my partner to have a good time, but just that doesn't come at the expense of my pleasure as well. And I think that's just honestly changing my perspective and really honestly believing that I deserve pleasure and I deserve to take that time for myself has been the big, the big unlock, I would say, from all of this work. But that also goes back to my three pillars of how to be shamelessly sexy is to figure out what you want, really truly believe that you deserve what you want, and then communicating that and asking for what you want. So, yeah, I think just taking your own time and for once in your life or once in my life, putting aside the needs of others just to focus on myself in these really important moments and allowing myself to have a good time.

SPEAKER_01 37:54

So at this point in the conversation, can you look we gotta convince we gotta convince the listeners? Yeah, what are your three top reasons that you think women should take that step and start talking about sex more openly, whether it's in a public sphere or it's just within their home or their relationship? Why should they take that microphone and start leading the conversation around sex in their relationships and well in the world?

What Women Want: Anal Play And Equality

SPEAKER_00 38:25

Yeah, well, I think number one is just your pure enjoyment and pleasure. I think we maybe have been socialized again to not think that we deserve to enjoy ourselves in all people get stuck in relationships without orgasms. And as long as the man's happy, then that's just the end of the story. And I really like Amber Ray, also there's a lot of great, really strong, powerful female voices out there right now who are advocating that, like, actually, no, you deserve to be happy. And I think, yeah, happiness and pleasure is just a really important part of that. And I would say that unlearning shame, it really unlocks a bunch of other fun areas of your life that is just makes you give less craps, I would say, about what other people think. And that could show up professionally. It could mean you have the enough courage to like leave your job that you hate, or just in general, I would say like take a more commanding force and presence in your own experiences and your own life. And I would say, thirdly, in that sense, having that power and just saying, I've unfortunately experienced a very dramatic and violent sexual assault. And I think just being able to speak about that and owning that experience, owning all aspects of your experience, it gives you so much power in your own way, right? Like it can be just admitting to yourself what happened first through writing or other some kind of like private experiences and then talking about it openly with other people. I would say recovering from sexual assault, the best way that I found was talking about it because it was just I found like my the way that I described it in my article is you're handed this like glass plate that's just just this gross, dirty glass colour, and you're suddenly carrying this around everywhere. And I found that every single time I told my story, it would just break off a shard of that glass, like one piece at a time, because it's not really your burden to carry at the end of the day, I would say as well. For sure, like this is not a unique experience, and people are not experiencing pleasure. It's something that happens to many of us in many different relationships that we have. So you'll be surprised that you're not alone. And actually, yeah, I think finding somebody who is able to, you know, listen and take on whatever you've experienced in your story, your story matters. And yeah, it's very transformative, I would say, the words.

SPEAKER_01 40:26

And how do you feel that women taking the microphone when it comes to the topic of sex improves everybody's lives, including men and people of other genders?

SPEAKER_00 40:39

Yeah. Well, I just wrote about that in the in the article. Which one was it? Oh, yeah, it was faking orgasms. And it was all about how basically, if you don't tell your partner that you fake orgasms, it's like giving them 10 out of 10 10 on a spelling test where they actually got zero. So basically, none of us can learn if we don't speak about these topics. And this person literally just thinks that they're a genius when they actually are terrible at spelling. So not only is that harming you, but it's also harming them and their future partners, etc. And I really do think honestly, this is we're talking about this in on topics of sex, but I think it relates to all our other aspects of our lives. Because again, if you are not speaking about what you're uncomfortable with or what you don't like, it's just gonna keep happening. And again, it puts into that mindset and that self-low self-esteem that like women's needs don't matter, but they actually really do. So that's what I think it's important to talk about that for. But I just address that specifically with faking orgasms. Yeah.

unknown 41:31

Right.

SPEAKER_01 41:32

So hey, and and I want to like end this with guys, if you want to know more about how to be good in bed, don't go listen to a guy podcaster or read a man's book about how to be a better lover to a woman. Don't do it, don't fucking do it. Listen to women, listen to what we have to say. Yeah, you gotta listen to us because you're just gonna keep making the same mistakes because he doesn't know. I promise you, he doesn't know. I'm that's I'm just gonna rest there. Y'all can get pissed about that one, but it's just the truth. But I would love for you to take this moment to tell my listeners all of the places they can find you where they can uh up to date with your your journal that you're creating for people. Um yeah, totally, totally, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:18

So you can definitely check out the miseducated substack. That's where I do all my writing about how to be shamelessly sexy, and that's M-I-S-S-E-D-U-C-A-T-E-D.substack.com. And as I was mentioning to Annette, I'm about to publish this beautiful intimacy journal. It is a 20-day guided erotic poetry journal. So every day you will get a poem with four writing prompts exploring a different aspect of sexuality, and we have so many beautiful themes and topics like deviance, obsession, ecstasy, reversal, and complexity. And it's just basically it's a tool to explore different aspects of sexuality using writing. So, yeah, if you're looking for a grip a gift for the holidays, the Kickstarter is going to be launching next week. And um, super excited to tell you guys more about that. And I will share it in the notes or send you the link somehow in the next week. Yeah, it's a super exciting and beautiful time.

Learn Girl Sex, Have Better Sex

SPEAKER_01 43:11

Well, I will stay tuned. Um, one of my first loves is poetry. You may not know that.

SPEAKER_00 43:15

Oh my god, amazing. I think you'll like it.

SPEAKER_01 43:17

I wanted to be a poet when I from the time I was tiny and then realized, well, I'd probably go broke. So I'm excited to find out more about this journal and what you're doing with it. We come back and we have an erotic poetry reading on the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 43:33

Oh my god, I would love that. It's honestly, I'm I've fallen in love with all of the authors of female for the poems, and it's just been one of the most beautiful things that I've ever put together, and I'm super proud of it. And I think people are gonna love it. So yeah, I will be back and we could do a reading, that would be amazing.

SPEAKER_01 43:47

I think that would be fun. So stay tuned, folks. Ladies, women, people with vulvas, it's time to speak up. And look, you take a big risk by doing this publicly, which both Tosh and I have done, and there's definitely a shadow side to it. We I'm sure, and we had didn't go into it in depth, but there are struggles with it, but it's very much worthwhile, and in the end, it's empowering in your lives and in the lives of others. And if you're not ready to step out into the public light and talk about sex, that's all right. But in your home and in your relationships, start speaking up, start saying what you really want. And I've got a lot of videos on how to talk about sex. I will be tagging them and sending them out to you, how to start to have those conversations, but it's time to do it. And of course, when this journal comes out, that's gonna help you a lot as well. Get the tools, get the tools and have a more rich, sexy, sexual, fulfilling, and orgasmic life. That's that's how where I'm leaving it. Thank you so much for joining me today, Tosh.

SPEAKER_00 44:55

Thank you, Annette. I had a lovely conversation. So great to be here.

SPEAKER_01 45:00

And to my listeners, until next time, I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers.