5 Kinks She Wants You to Try (And Why She'll Never Ask)

She's thought about it. More than once. Maybe a hundred times.

And she's decided you'll never know.

Not because she doesn't trust you — because she's been taught her whole life that wanting certain things makes her too much. This episode is about the five kinks women most commonly carry in silence, the shame that keeps them there, and what you can actually do to become someone it feels safe to tell.

What you'll learn: ✔ The 5 kinks women fantasize about and rarely share — and the real psychology behind each one ✔ Why erotic shame is the actual barrier (not trust, not desire) ✔ What CNC fantasy really is — and what it is not ✔ Specific things you can do to create safety without putting pressure on her

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Transcript

New Name, Same Unfiltered Space

The Hidden Version Of Your Partner

Why Shame Silences Desire

Kink One: Submission Reframed

Kink Two: Being Watched Or Watching

Kink Three: Power Reversal And Femdom

Kink Four: Fantasies With Others

Kink Five: Understanding CNC

Shared Thread And Closing Invites

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Do the sex. I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast formerly known as Locker Room Talk and Shots. The show has a new name, Talk Sex with Annette. But at its core, this is still your locker room. It's where we strip away shame, get curious, and speak the unspoken about sex, kink dating, pleasure, and desire. Around here, nothing's off limits. These are the kinds of conversations we save for our boldest group chat, our most trusted friends, and of course, the women's locker room. Think raw, honest, and sometimes unapologetically raunchy. Welcome to my podcast where desire meets disruption and pleasure becomes power. Let's talk about sex. Cheers. Today's Talk Sex for the Net topic is five kinks she wants you to bring up, but won't ask for. Here's something I want you to sit with for a second. There is a version of your partner you have never met. She exists. She's thought about specific things, detailed things, more times than she'd ever admit. And she has decided, probably more than once, that she will never tell you. Not because she doesn't want to, but because she's done the meth and the risk felt too high. That's not a trust problem. That's not a you problem. This is what happens when women spend their entire lives being taught that wanting too much, wanting the wrong things makes them damaged, makes them a lot, makes them someone men will respect. So they edit themselves, even in bed, even with people they love. Today we're talking about the five kinks she's most likely thought about and never said out loud. What is actually keeping her quiet and what you can do, not to pressure her into sharing, but to become someone she finally feels it's safe to tell. This one is for everyone, the partner who wants to actually know her, and the woman who's been waiting for the right moment that never seems to come. Before we dive in, I've got to remind you to subscribe wherever you are listening or watching. And if you want my explicit how-tos, my audio guided self-pleasure meditations, and so much more, you'll find me on OnlyFans. You'll also find me on Substack doing some of the same stuff. And you can find me in both places with my handle at TalkSex with Annette. And you can find me in a whole bunch of places. All of the links are below in the show notes. I cannot wait to see you there. But for now, let's dive in to the five kinks she really wants you to bring up. Cheers. Now, before we get to the five kinks she really wants you to bring up, but is way too afraid to say anything about, we need to talk about why this is so hard for her. Because without this, nothing else makes sense. Women are ashamed around sex from the time they're old enough to have desires, not in one dramatic moment, in a thousand small ones. The first time she got called a slut for something a boy did too, and nobody blinked. The time she expressed interest in something sexual and the room got weird. Every movie where the woman who wanted it too much ended up punished for it. Every time she was too much, too loud, too needy, too sexual, and learned to make herself smaller. That shame doesn't clock out when she gets into a relationship. It comes to bed with her. And here's the specific cruelty of erotic shame. It targets the things she wants the most, the fantasies that feel the most charged, the most alive. Those are the ones that carry the most shame because the more she wants something, the more exposed she feels wanting it. And research backs this up. Studies on sexual self-disclosure consistently show that women report higher levels of shame around sexual fantasy than men. And that shame is the primary barrier to sharing, not lack of desire, not lack of trust, shame. So when she doesn't tell you what she wants, she's not playing games. She's protecting herself from something she's been taught over and over and over is real. Your job isn't to talk her out of that shame in one conversation. It's to build something over time, a pattern of reactions that slowly proves to her nervous system that it isn't true here. That's the work and it's worth doing. So now let's dive into the five kinks she secretly wants you to bring up, but is too afraid to mention herself. The first kink is being told what to do. Submission. Submission is one of the most documented fantasies in women's sexuality. It consistently ranks in the top three across demographics, relationship types, and this one surprises people across political identities, feminist women, women who run companies, women who would never describe themselves as passive in any other area of their lives. And that's the point. The fantasy of submission isn't about being powerless, it's about having permission to stop being in charge. For women who are managing everything, their careers, their kids, other people's emotions, being told what to do in bed is a rust. It's a specific relief that doesn't exist anywhere else in their lives. Here's why she won't bring it up. Because asking for submission means being vulnerable, about wanting to surrender. And she doesn't know if you'll take that seriously, use it carefully, or look at her differently afterwards. Here's the real solution. Don't wait for her to ask. Create the conditions where she doesn't have to. Start by taking the lead more, not by staring toward what you want, but by being decisive and present in ways that feel good to her body. Slow down and make choices like this. Come here. Stay right there. I want you. Those take directions, said with calm certainty and not performance. Then pay close attention to what her body does. Does she soften? Does her breathing change? That's data. You don't need her to say the word submission. You need to build a pattern where she can feel it's safe. And then let her lean into it on her own term. If she does start leaning in, match it. Stay steady. The steadier you are, the further she can go. Kink number two is being watched or watching. So we're talking about boyeurism andor exhibitionism. The erotic charge of being seen, really specifically, hungrily seen, is one of the most common threads running through women's fantasy lives, not necessarily a literal audience. The specific feeling of being watched by someone who cannot look away. Research on female arousal shows that feeling visually desired activates the same neural pathways as physical touch for many women. This isn't superficial. Being watched is a form of intimacy for them. And here's why she's not going to bring it up. Because asking someone to watch her requires believing she's worth watching. And most women have a complicated enough relationship with their bodies that asking to be the center of that kind of attention feels arrogant, too much, vain, exposed in a way that has nothing to do with clothes. Here's the real solution: don't tell her she looks good. Show her what looking at her does to you. There's a difference between a compliment and a reaction. You look amazing as an evaluation, a sharp inhale, going still, or saying, I can't stop looking at you in a way that sounds helpless. That's a reaction. That's information about what she does to you, and it lands completely differently in her body. Do this consistently, not just in bed. Catching her getting dressed, hold eye contact, a beat longer than usual across the room. Let her feel watched and wanted in low-stakes moments first. By the time the conversation about this kink or interest could happen, she's already going to know the answer. Now, kink number three, it is power reversal. So her in charge. This is known as female dominance or fem dom. Here's the one nobody talks about. Some women want to be the one in charge completely. They want to direct, decide, control the pace, and watch their partner surrender to it. That's a kink. It's called dominance or femme dom or female-led intimacy. And it's not just a male fantasy. Research among-term couples found that role variation, changing who leads, who follows, who sets the pace, is one of the strongest predictors of sustained desire over time. Not novelty for novelty's sake, variation in power. So here's why she won't bring it up. She's worrying you'll feel threatened. She's been taught that men have fragile egos around this. And she's probably not wrong about some men. So she's decided it's not worth the risk. So here's the real solution. Give her the lead explicitly, zero ambivalence. Not, well, you can be in charge if you want. That puts a back on her to perform confidence she might not feel yet. Try tonight, I want you to tell me what to do. Anything you want, then do it. Exactly that. No negotiating, no redirecting, no adding your own agenda. What you're doing is removing the burden of asking. She didn't have to request it, you offered. That is a completely different experience. And for a woman carrying the weight of not knowing if it's okay to want this, being handed permission without having to ask for it can be genuinely transformative. King number four, and it's probably not going to be a big surprise. Fantasy including other people. Let me tell you what the research actually says about this one, because most people get it completely wrong. The majority of women have fantasized about a scenario involving more than one person. That's not a shocking statistic. What is surprising is what those fantasies are actually about. For women, multi-person fantasy is almost never really about other people. It's about her, her desirability in a scenario where it's unambiguous, a moment where she is so wanted that the normal roles be modest, don't want too much, make yourself smaller, just don't apply. The fantasy is a vehicle for her own erotic power, which means if she's had thoughts like this, they are not a referendum on you. They are information about what makes her feel desired. And here's why she's not going to bring it up. She assumes she'll hear it as you're not enough. She'll watch your face for the flicker of hurt, and she'll spend the next week managing your feelings about something she said. That's an exhausting tax on honesty. So she just doesn't pay it. The real solution is this: you have to go first. And I don't mean with a question. I mean you share something from your own fantasy life, something real, something slightly vulnerable, with zero agenda behind it. Not to swap confessions, not to steer toward anything, just to demonstrate what it looks like when you hand someone something private and they don't flinch. You can say something like, I've been thinking about something I've never said out loud, not because it's a big deal, just because I never had. Can I tell you? Then tell her something real. Keep it low stakes. Then you stop. You don't follow with, so what about you? You just let it sit. What you're doing with your behavior, not your words, is proving that this is a safe place to be honest. You're showing her what your reaction to vulnerability looks like before she has to risk her own. If she shares something back, your only job is to stay steady. No performance of being cool with it, just genuine, calm curiosity. Tell me more about that. That's it. And if what comes up for either of you includes real interest in exploring multi-partner experiences, that's a whole different conversation. One that requires a lot more than a spontaneous admission. I have a full three-part guide to threesomes, how to have one, the rules that actually bring couples closer versus what blows things up and more. And the links are going to be below. So start there before you start anywhere else. Now we're to kink number five, and this is a big one that I'm going to take a minute with. It is consensual non-consent, CNC. This needs context. I have to be careful here, and I'm going to be because this topic deserves it. We are living in a moment where the reality of sexual coercion and exploitation is front and center in our culture. And that reality is important. It's necessary. Women's safety matters absolutely. And in that same world, in the private interior of many women's minds, one of the most commonly reported sexual fantasies is what's called CNC, consensual non-consent, sometimes called a ravishment fantasy. Studies put it anywhere from 30 to over 60% of women, depending on the sample. It's not rare, it's not fringe, and it's not an indicator of trauma or confusion. And I want to say it plainly because the shame around this particular fantasy is enormous. Women who have it often feel like something is wrong with them. Like wanting this makes them complicit in something, like they can't possibly tell anyone. I'm going to explain this clearly. Here's what CNC fantasy actually is psychologically. It's a scenario where she is wanted so intensely, so urgently, that desire overrides everything else. There are no social negotiations, no performance, no wondering if it's okay to want this or too much or the wrong thing. In the fantasy, her desire is the entire point. And it's unambiguous and uncomplicated in a way that real life almost never allows. It is at its core the fantasy of desire without shame. The reason it exists as a fantasy for women who would never want this in reality is because, in the fantasy, she is safe. She controls the story. There is no actual risk. This is not confusion about consent. This is imagination doing exactly what imagination is supposed to do, creating a space where the rules of real life don't apply. And here's why she won't bring it up. This one carries more shame than anything else on this list. She's afraid of what it says about her. She's afraid you'll think she's asking for something she isn't. She may be afraid of what it means that she wants this at all. She's probably never said it out loud. The real solution is this. This is one where you don't go fishing. You don't open this door with a question. You create context over time through conversations about consent, desire, and fantasy, where she hears you talk about the stuff with nuance and without judgment, where she can tell that you understand the difference between fantasy and reality, where she knows that if she said something surprising, your first move would be curiosity, not alarm. If she ever does bring it up, there's only one great first response. Thank you for telling me that. Nothing else. Not immediately. Let it land. Let her feel that handing you something that vulnerable didn't cost her anything. From there, if you're both interested in exploring this, it requires explicit negotiation, clear boundaries, safe words, and ongoing check-ins. I will do a full episode on CNC specifically because it deserves the space. But the first step is just make it safe to say out loud. So here's what all five of these kings have in common. She's not keeping them from you because she doesn't want you to know. She's keeping them because she's been taught by culture, by experience, by a thousand small moments that wanting things like this makes her too much, or not enough, or something a good woman doesn't say. If you're a woman listening, drop it in the comments. Is there something you've wanted to bring up but haven't? What would make it feel safe enough to say? I read everything, so make sure you drop those comments, head over to my YouTube. You can do it in the comments section. Of course, you can email me at Annette at talkswithanet.com. And if you are looking for a cheerleader, a wing woman, some support in your own intimate life or your own personal pleasure journey. My books are open for sex and intimacy coaching. You can find out more at talksexwithanet.com. Until next time, I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers.