The Alpha Male Script Is Killing Your Sex Life — This Is What She Actually Wants

Alpha male culture is teaching men to dominate, never ask, never show need — and it is quietly destroying their sex lives. Today I'm joined by James Harris, licensed mental health therapist, US Army veteran, and founder of Men to Heal, who has spent a decade watching this play out in real relationships. He's not here to shame men — he's here to give them what the alpha podcasters never do: the actual truth about what makes women want you.

What you'll learn:

• What alpha culture is actually teaching men about sex — and why it backfires
• Why performing masculinity in bed kills pleasure for both people
• The difference between sex and intimacy — and why it matters for your orgasm
• What vulnerability in a man actually does to a woman's desire
• How to undo the conditioning — starting tonight

Whether you're the man in this dynamic, the woman watching him disappear into it, or the partner who's been waiting for him to wake up — this one's for you.

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Transcript

New Name, Same No-Shame Space

SPEAKER_01 0:41

Do the sex. I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast formerly known as Locker Room Talk and Shots. The show has a new name, Talk Sex with Annette. But at its core, this is still your locker room. It's where we strip away shame, get curious, and speak the unspoken about sex, kink dating, pleasure, and desire. Around here, nothing's off limits. These are the kinds of conversations we save for our boldest group chat, our most trusted friends, and of course, the women's locker room. Think raw, honest, and sometimes unapologetically raunchy. Welcome to my podcast where desire meets disruption and pleasure becomes power. Let's talk about sex. Cheers. Today's talk sex with a net topic is Is Alpha Male culture killing good sex? Men are being sold a vision of masculinity that is destroying their sex lives. Alpha male culture, the podcasts, the influencers, the whole ideology is teaching men that sex is about dominance, control, and never showing need, never asking, never admitting that you don't know. That desire is something you take, not something you build. But here's what nobody is talking about. That script doesn't work. It kills intimacy, it kills real desire, and women are walking away from it in droves because good sex, the kind that satisfies both people, requires the opposite of everything alpha culture teaches. It requires vulnerability, it requires communication, it requires seeing your partner as a person, not a conquest. Today we're talking about how toxic masculinity is literally killing good sex and how men can reclaim their sexual prowess and become desirable to women and the people they want to be desirable to again by giving up the performance. And you don't have to take it from me, folks, because I have a guest who is not a woman and can speak directly to my male audience. Today's guest is James Harris. He's a licensed mental health professional, a US Army veteran, and founder of Men to Heal, a movement reaching thousands of men across four countries. He has a master's degree in clinical mental health counseling and has spent a decade watching men trapped in alpha culture and watching it destroy their relationships. He's the author of Man Just Express Yourself. I love that title. I love it. And created the Healing Hub in Richmond to help men unlearn the conditioning that's killing their intimate lives. James, welcome to Talk Sex within Net. Before I hand the mic over to you, I have to remind my listeners, I'm over on OnlyFans, and there I share my sex and intimacy. How-tos, demos, audio guided, self-pleasure meditations, and so much more. You can find me there and on Substack doing a lot of the same with my handle at Talk Sex withinet. You can also scroll down to the notes below. And you're gonna find everywhere you wanna find me there and everywhere you're gonna want to find James down there linked below. So make sure you check it out after the show. James, can you take a moment to tell my listeners just a little bit more about you?

What Alpha Culture Teaches About Sex

SPEAKER_00 4:10

So Annette, I definitely appreciate you for having me and that warm introduction. So you alluded to many of the things that I do have going on. So I am a licensed therapist here in Virginia, but the name of our practice is The Healing Hub. But even before the Healing Hub, I created this movement called Men to Heal to get men back focused on the overall wellness, their mental health, physical health, and of course that emotional health, because sometimes it's difficult for men to articulate what they want to say. That's what led to the book, Man Just Express Yourself. That's an interactive planner guide for boys and men, a good tool for couples and partners as well. So oftentimes I've seen to be successful when partners purchase the book for the males in their lives and highlight a couple of chapters, give it to them, and then they engage in dialogue together opposed to just giving it to him and leaving him to his own fences. It feels like a chore at that point. But if it's something that, hey, we're gonna engage, we're gonna talk about this later. I've seen it work as more beneficial. When I did create a board game called Cheesy Dates, which is an interactive board game for adults and couples, it comes with a board, palm pieces, dice, and two card decks. One card deck is different date ideas because sometimes people run low on spontaneity. I created it during the pandemic. And the other card deck is just different topics that couples tend to shy away from or not talk about until it's too late. So you can be single and play with your partner one-on-one, or you can play with a group of people. Some of the topics in there is on intimacy or finance or communication or social issues, all those tough topics that where you want to act your partner, you just have difficulty formulating or flip or finding ways to do it without feeling judged or having those thoughts of if I say this, will I embarrass myself or will my partner be uncomfortable? So, so many different topics within that game, and I've seen that be successful as well. And here in Richmond, Virginia, I do host live events where myself and four other panelists, we engage the audience in different topics and thoughts based on those questions from the game. So those are going well. I just want to educate people. I just want to help as many people as I can. Also, a father, a veteran, entrepreneur. I did eight, eight years army, two deployments, one in Iraq, one in Afghanistan. And that's another part of the reason why a lot of men tend to not know how to express that vulnerability or be open because they may have experienced some type of traumatic event previously. So we can't ignore that either. So I work with a lot of veterans, as well as families and first responders and stuff. Outside of that, that's me and the Nashio.

SPEAKER_01 6:43

Thank you. Thank you for telling us a little bit more about you. But before we go on, listeners, I need you to stay with me until the end of this episode because James is going to break down exactly what alpha male culture is teaching us about sex, why it destroys the intimacy and desire, and what actually creates good intimacy instead. He's going to give you three things you can start doing tonight to stop performing the alpha male culture in the bedroom. So if you are a guy, listener who's in a relationship with a woman, this is gonna teach you a lot. If you are a gal listening to this and any of this resonates with you, you're gonna sit down and listen to this with your guy. Right? So let's get ready to talk about getting rid of the alpha male culture in the bedroom. Cheers. Here we go. So I want to start with what is alpha male culture specifically teaching men about sex and desire right now?

SPEAKER_00 7:44

So I think it's a loaded question, but I do think is one where alpha male culture and toxin masculinity tend to overlap. But when you have that overlap or that uh, I guess lack of interest, understanding what it is, undermasks the possibility of having a good sexual relationship, whether you are heterosexual and or homosexual or poly or any type of relationship dynamic with your partner, especially when you prioritize more of a performance and a dominance standpoint and ego-driven over a connection and communication and mutual pleasure. So to start there, that's one of the main things. And I think you touched on some of those when you uh introduced the topic, that communication and the lack of dominance or the introduction of dominance has caused a lot of people to have difficulty. So when men feel pressure, they tend to always use control or unemotional connectivity within our sexual pleasure. I'm thinking that dominance is the way to go. And of course, we know that toxic masculinity is one of those things that forces or implement dominance within the culture that we are in now. Specifically, when you talk about, I don't know why people do it, but the animal class alpha male identity or intimate can become more scripted, which we don't want. We want it to be more responsive. And we want to be present within those moments to show vulnerability and to allow our partner to know that we're in tune with them in this moment. And I think also, too, a lot of people are disconnected to what true intimacy is. It's the difference between sex and intimacy. And I think once you grow in intimacy, the sex will be better.

SPEAKER_01 9:26

Let you define what intimacy is for some of the people listening to this right now.

Intimacy Versus Sex And Why It Matters

SPEAKER_00 9:33

Yeah, so intimacy can be those small acts that you do with your partner or partners throughout the day, throughout the week. It doesn't have to be a physical act, it can be an emotional attachment connection, it can be sending a text, it can be flirting, it can be just being in the same space and being attentive. Because a lot of people often share space, but not intentional about the space that they're sharing. And I I put with my clients that come to my office, oftentimes the women will be like, hey, yes, we were in the same room, but you weren't talking to me. You weren't engaging. But the man on the other end would be like, hey, we were in the same, you were sitting right beside me on the couch. So again, we can be in the same space, but we're not connected. We're not intentional about sharing this space and discussing our future or what with the children or building a family, or so much more. So intimacy is those moments, opposed to, of course, sex on the other end is that physical act of intimacy. And you can go from there. So different people have different meanings. It just depends on where you are within that dynamic. But I definitely think once you identify what intimacy is between you and your partner, you and your partner can have a better view of the type of intimacy that you want to have within your relationship. Because that's most important. It's I can give you a definition. I'm sure you got your definition of what it is, but I think it's that connection with your partner or partners to where you're just in tune to them and you're growing with them in those times.

SPEAKER_01 11:43

I like the word in tune. A lot of people don't understand how to be in tune with someone else. It's not something we're taught, right? And so it's hard to learn. It's uh it's a hard thing to a concept to grasp sometimes. The alpha script says never ask, always lead, never show vulnerability in bed. How does that actually play out in in bed in a sexual situation for a couple?

SPEAKER_00 12:12

Yeah, so you you hear what you just mentioned, always lead. It puts the pressure on one side to always feel just think about it. If my pleasure is to receive or to be also spontaneous or receive spontaneous acts, am I torn with should I engage or should I just wait? It tends to put the pressure on somebody to not get as much as they can based on this ideology or this thought. Just think about how many people do want a partner to take the initiative. But if they follow what you just mentioned, it'll be difficult. Because realistic, if we're talking great sex staff on trust, curiosity, emotional safety, and the freedom to express desires without feeling judged. So I want to be free enough to say, hey, babe, I want you to take the lead tonight. Or every so often I want you to be the spontaneous one. But we got to understand that the qualities of toxic norms often discourage people to do that, specifically men in healthy relationships where masculinity is healthy or uh at least positive, that confidence with empathy and strength and that softness and the desire to connect with your partner and give consent with your communication of, hey babe, I'm often leading this situation, but tonight I want to be different. I want you to do it. This is what I like, this is what I don't like. And I think when you do that without having that internal conflict of talk to masculinity or alpha-male culture, you create this sex that's not as impressive as it could be. Is it satisfactory for you or for her? Or is it gonna be that balance again of man, I wanted something else, but let me just do this as a performance opposed to what I actually want?

SPEAKER_01 13:57

I love so much of what you said there. I could dig into all of that, but you actually answered a question that a listener reached out to me with. So I'm gonna let you answer his question again. I'm this is this is a great opportunity to answer a listener's question. He reached out to me. I have a very popular episode on FEM DOMS or when women lead, take the lead in bed. And he said to me, but what makes men attractive to women, I thought was this masculinity, being able to lead, being able to protect, being all of these things. He said, wouldn't letting a woman dominate you or lead in the bedroom then make you unattractive to her?

SPEAKER_00 14:48

So that's a good question. I I would encourage him to talk with his partner because performative-wise, it's a difference between leading in the community, corporate America, the military, or whatever the case is. We're talking about specifically this act in the bedroom to where you can obtain pleasure as well as your partner. The more pleasurable this experience is for you will ultimately be more experienced and pleasurable for them as well. So if you're reserved or you're holding back, or you're not giving your all based on you not really being satisfied with what the current arrangement is, then I think it'll be difficult to understand that. But I do think that challenge that he's having as far as being able to identify if she would look at him differently, I think they would have to strengthen that communication and he or they have a discussion about that. Because she very much can say, no, babe, I'm cool with you taking a different role within the bedroom. But outside, when we're in the community or when you're at work, yes, I expect you to be that boisterous figure that's leading and taking charge. Those are two different things. And oftentimes you'll see that with different people, even with women. It's a matter of women who are dominant at work but want to come home and just be soft to that partner, and or vice versa. So I think for his sake, I think he would have to ensure that him and his partner have a solid enough relationship to where he can at least ask her, hey, would you view me different if I were to take more of a reduced role within our sex life? Or do you want me to always be that one that's dominating and initiating or being spontaneous? And she might tell him. And then from there, I think he can make this his decision. It can be a challenge for couples to even talk about that sexual piece. And it for him, it sounds like he's just going off what he thinks opposed to what actually is. So the best thing for them to do is have a discussion.

SPEAKER_01 16:47

Yeah, it sounds like he's listening to what's attractive to women based on what he's hearing from likely some male podcaster. But wouldn't you also say that what people, men and women, actually find attractive isn't based on a single script of what a man or woman should look like. Every person is going to have a different take on that.

Why Performance Blocks Real Pleasure

SPEAKER_00 17:12

And it shouldn't be generalized. He should focus on what his partner wants him. So again, he can ask her one-on-one and she will probably explain it to him. Oh no, babe, I'm fine. I can do this or I can't do that. Or yes, I would look at you different if I was. So it just depends on their dynamic. But I think if he got this general idea of, or this blanket idea of I'm going to be viewed differently, listen, some women may view it differently, but your woman is the one that you got to figure out if she will view it differently. So I think that's the connection that he should be focused on trying to solicit information from. So I touched on it earlier. Intimacy becomes one of those things where it's like a script. So the responsibility is not there. It's difficult to be present if you are performing to what you think somebody wants or what you think this idea of masculinity is. So the ability to be vulnerable is pun intended, like for you to see me strip the naked, not just for the sexual act, but for lifelong adventures. I should be in a position to be able to tell you how I truly feel, not just from a sexual standpoint, but just from a standpoint of I trust you with this information that I'm going to give you. So that part shouldn't happen based on the alpha male culture and the toxic masculinity. And again, it's killing the sex as well as the intimacy because the performance instead of that shared experience. You want it to be more of an in tune experience with you and your partner. But again, if you got these ideas or belief that sex is about dominance or conquering, or like you got to identify your work too. And find that connection. And think about the lack of curiosity that happens when you're performing based on what you think, opposed to based on what your partner wants. Like the explor exploration or the idea of exploring each other's bodies, exploring each other's thoughts, those things are true intimacy and can make the experience better. That's how you know what arouses your partner. That's how you know what gets your partner to that point of climax, is when you are able to explore. But if I'm focused on toxic masculinity andor just the culture of being an alpha, am I really exploring my partners? Am I really letting myself go to be explored? Is it gonna be a situation to where I like something, but it's never been uncovered because I was too guarded to even let that happen? And vice versa. How can I truly explore her or them if I'm sheled or if I'm too shocked to even try different approaches with that? Who knows? I've had couples who one partner discover that they have a spot behind their knee. And if that spot is kissed or touched, it's over. But if they were never exploring with each other, who thinks about that? You know what I'm saying? So you have to be in a position to let yourself explore and be free, opposed to being in this box of I have to perform, I have to be done with it, I have to be No, you don't. You have to be free enough to be in tune with your partner.

SPEAKER_01 20:33

Right. I love that. I think also because I I work with women a lot who can't experience or having trouble experiencing pleasure, erotic pleasure, and will even feel numb sexually. And I think one thing people don't understand is when you're performing, putting on an act, instead of being fully embodied and present with your partner, it makes it very difficult to feel pleasure in your body because you're so in your head acting out a part that isn't true to you. So that is for all genders. We oftentimes just think about it for women, how it affects women. But this is true for all bodies, right? Which is, I feel like, is what you just expressed.

SPEAKER_00 21:20

I think in at some point within your relationship dynamic, you have to ensure that you are not prioritizing control over communication. Because at the end of the day, it's all about that communication. It's all about, hey, babe, how you feel? Do you like this? Do you mind if I do this? Hey, I like this. Can you do this to me? Those things are often lost, specifically because that man is too stubborn or is it in his box based on the perception of what he thinks or or that just that blanket statement of, hey, men are supposed to enjoy this or like that or or get that? You'll be surprised. So I think once he's free, especially or specifically with his partner or partners, it'll be best for both of them. And it is difficult for a lot of women to reach that point of climax and because the emotional connection and or the physical connection is not one that will get her there. But how many women do you think are in a position or not in a position to be able to say, hey, babe, it's good, but I prefer you to do this? They might not because they think that that partner would get offended or judge them. So I think if it was an open, respectable relationship for both of them to have the freedom to communicate, it'll be best for both of them. And their pleasure would definitely increase if they did have the ability to share openly about their desires and what they like. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

So women are leaving, they're literally leaving relationships in droves where this dynamic exists, this sort of alpha, a male-driven dynamic exists. I've answered this question before, but I feel like it would help for people to hear it from a man. Is it because the women don't want sex or because of how their partner is treating sex?

Undoing The Alpha Rabbit Hole

SPEAKER_00 24:07

I think it can be a little bit of both, depending on the person. And to be honest with you, I wouldn't encourage them to leave. Wants to be or who should be in a situation to where it's not desirable, or I'm always finding myself the one who's not obtaining pleasure, or find myself reducing myself in my pleasure experience because you're not willing to be open. That's difficult. So you're expecting me. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying yes, end your relationship because this person was bad at sex. I'm saying it's oftentimes not directly to sex. It's something else, it's multiple things that'll probably lead next to that. But the sex is probably that other thing that's adding on to the pressures. So I think those women are leaving for both the reasons that you said. And I think it's the dynamic that they don't have with their partners to where they can express it without receiving empathy or sympathy from those partners to put themselves in that position and or open themselves up to try to make that change. The the stubbornness of, hey, I've been all this, I've been this way all my life, or hey, we've been married all this time and you haven't said anything. That doesn't mean it should remain the same. I'm saying something now because I want to explore more, or I want us to benefit more from said activity. So let's figure out a way to do that. So some women are expressing themselves and asking, and they're getting shut down. And some women are just saying, hey, listen, I think it's time that we end this thing, it's running its course.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

Have you worked with a couple where the man is really deep into this ideology? Because I know on the internet and in the being in the podcast world that we're just seeing a rise in men with microphones who are pumping out this alpha male, that's what they're calling it, alpha male, high value alpha male ideology. Have you worked with couples where the man is deep in that ideology? And if so, what kind of toll have you seen it take place? And also, how difficult is it to start undoing that ideology?

SPEAKER_00 26:23

Yeah. So first by educate him on how his actions is impacting his relationship with his partner or partners, because a lot of people don't know that this idea of being alpha male or toxic masculinity, it discourages open conversations and desires, whether it's boundaries as well as insecurities. You can bring those things out of your partner if you believe that you have to be overly aggressive or display so much confidence. It might not be worth somebody being in those situations. And you don't want to be in a situation where shame replaces curiosity and silences your partner or the people that you're with. The feedback for those situations is definitely one that you should attain. So I'm educating people on that. The satisfaction can come from the communication and you identifying that, hey, this is the issue. Good sex requires, again, patience, being present within a moment, having that trust, having that adaptability, but alpha male culture oftentimes rewards the ego, which ultimately blocks the emotional safety that your partner can have. So I explained that part to him and the partner or partners within those moments and try to help him understand ways that he can make a shift, even if it's just letting his guard down at some point within that dynamic, or whether it's the next time that they're sexually intimate, and or if he has to work his way up to it. But to not listen to your partner or consider what their desires are or what they have to say, you're gonna be doing a disservice to you and them.

SPEAKER_01 27:57

I think vulnerability and softness in a man being shared from a man in the bedroom or when intimacy is taking place is incredibly sexy. It's incredibly sexy. I'm a woman. You would think me saying that would have an impact, but how would you explain that to a guy who's just that's not what I've been told? She wants me to be strong, she doesn't want to see me get emotional. Emotional, being emotional means weakness. Being emotional means I can't lead logically. You've heard this script. I know for a fact that women, the minute a man, a big, strong man, gets soft with us, gets real with us, it like that is the aphrodisiac.

SPEAKER_00 28:48

And I think that's that's part of it. Again, it goes back to communication. So if somebody is saying what they heard from these different people or podcasts or just social media or in movies, I think they're doing themselves a disservice because the person or the people that you're supposed to be acting are your partners. And to be honest and transparent with you, it was a long time where I wasn't a loud moaner. But I realized it does something to my partner when I do moan or make noises and stuff like that. But if I was too guarded or too self-centered enough not to engage that way to let her know that I was receiving pleasure, I did my stuff with the same because then it was unfortunate in certain situations. So, for those people who feel that same way, I think again, being able to explore and being able to be open will not only help you, but it will help your partners. And at the end, when we give those tips, I'll be talking about that. Because one of the main things, like you kept mentioning, is basically the perception of others. Sometimes you got to ignore the perception of others or what you heard beyond your specific partner one on one. You're with this person right now, or these people right now, those are the perceptions that you're supposed to be talking about. If she wants you to moan, if she wants you to experiment, then be open to that. But to not do those things based on what you think society standpoint is, is a disservice. I think that you might not be in the right place. Or I would encourage that partner to analyze, are they able to continue to be with this person knowing that they will have to go up against the ideologies of society? That would be unfortunate. It's me and you, but is it me, you, and the world? Because you're thinking about what other people like when I'm telling you what I like, when I'm telling you what I want you to do, and those things can be difficult.

SPEAKER_01 30:43

As we're talking about this, what's coming to mind for me is that this alpha male culture is asking men to move further away from and reject their authentic self and to build a persona based on who knows what. Because oftentimes I'm looking at these podcasters going, I can't imagine any woman wants you. But based on this ideology, and for me, the idea of having sex with someone who's selling me a lie, which is that built persona, sounds like the exact opposite of what sex and intimacy is supposed to be.

SPEAKER_00 31:30

And and when you have these podcasters or people with a mic just talking about random stuff in which they're speaking from their own anecdotal experience, it can be difficult because they can be saying some of the wrong things, but they're loud, or they got a lot of listeners or a lot of supporters, and those things overweigh or outweigh the voices of people who are actually trained or licensed or in those positions to give actual factual empirical evidence. But when you listen to things like that within that culture, it places men promote the idea of being rigged and try to classify what a real man is or trying to understand these expectations that might not be obtainable. It's it's almost creating a man to say, I should think like this, I should behave this way, I should express myself this way, when it might not be the case. These norms often encourage men to suppress their vulnerability and avoid showing their true feelings of identity. It's no way in the world that one should want to uh or equate their strength with aggression or dominance. But of course, that's what a lot of the alpha male persona does. So measuring your work through control or just these abilities to be tough is doing a lot of harm to not only men specifically, but to a lot of relationships. Not just the sexual relationships, too, the relationship with your children or your coworkers, all of these things. Over time, these expectations can damage and take a toll on him from a mental health standpoint, from a communication standpoint. It discourages empathy and openness and the connectability to you and your partners.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

What do you think the alpha male culture is teaching men about women and the how to see their partners?

When Partners Reinforce The Script

SPEAKER_00 33:25

And that's the difficult thing because a lot of people too objectify or view them as, hey, you're supposed to do my expectations while I give nothing, or but doesn't mean that the dominance is supposed to be one-sided. It doesn't mean that I supposed to have these unhealthy beliefs or have these contrasts to where it's me at the forefront. You are just here as a a trophy or as a subset of me. It may, it should mean beyond that. It still means to me that, hey, we're a partnership. I respect your opinion, I see you, but oftentimes that's not the case. Oftentimes people don't feel seen, they don't feel heard, they don't feel as if it's equal or if it's a partnership. If if someone is reducing you or shunning you or making you feel inadequate about your abilities to be an adult, that can be difficult. Hey, we're married because I want to add to your life or to our life. But if you're viewing it as you still the individual, I think it can be difficult.

SPEAKER_01 34:34

So for a man or a couple that involves a man who's listening to this and really has gone down the alpha male rabbit hole. But it's either killing his ability to meet a partner and date or is ruining his intimate life with his current partner. What are how does he start to undo that? How does he find his way back out of that rabbit hole?

SPEAKER_00 35:02

Yeah, so for the first part of it, I would encourage him to look at the sources where he's obtaining information. Because if he's obtaining information that's feeding his need to display those characteristics, then that's the first sign. Stop getting that information from that specific source. Next, I would encourage him to connect with his partner and identify what they truly want and not what he thinks they want, not what society said he should give them. Because they are they have a voice to say, maybe I want you to do this, I think we should do this, or it makes me happy when this happened. I don't like this so much. You married that person, or you with this person because they can make or formulate decisions. So listen to them within that regard. So, of course, I would also encourage him to do that self-work. Identify why he feels he has to be this way. Did it is this something that transpired within his life when he was younger? Is this all the behavior patterns that he's seen from the males growing up? Is this a cycle that he's in and he can recover from? He can make change to? So we'll probably start there and then I would definitely educate him on what vulnerability is. So that way he will know true vulnerability is a strength. It is a positive to be able to free yourself of certain information, especially with the people or person that you're connected to, and that you said that you would realistically, because when we decided to be in this partnership or this relationship, that's what I'm taking on. I'm taking on the ability for you to have good days and bad days and want to talk and not want to talk. But if I'm only giving you the option when it's all good, then I am I doing this relationship a disservice. So all those things matter.

SPEAKER_01 36:47

I'm gonna speak to very specific situations that I don't think has a light shined on it enough. But I know it exists because I've heard it with my own ears. Sometimes men get into relationships where their partner, their female partner, actually buys into this alpha male culture as much, if not more, than them. And they find themselves in a relationship that is unfulfilling because now they're stuck playing a role she believes in. Like they want to be vulnerable, but every time that happens, she withdraws or says something to be like, be a man, be a man, right? What do we say to that man who's unfulfilled, unhappy in a relationship with someone else, a woman who has bought into alpha male culture? What does he do?

SPEAKER_00 37:47

Yeah, so during the pandemic, you're saying this a lot. I say this a lot with my couples within practice or people want to obtain therapy because they realize, hey, we're together based on attraction, not really compatibility. The idea of us looked good, but now that we're stuck together and can't go nowhere, I have to talk to you. I have to figure out, are you the person for me? And it just doesn't seem like we're aligned. So I was able to assist a lot of couples during the pandemic, and that's part of the reason why I created the game, because some of those questions oftentimes did come up. And it's not uncommon for women to have that thought of, hey, this is the type of man I want. Because ideally, that's what the type of man they want publicly. I want you to be this way at work or in the community or when we own outings, but in the home, I want you to be nurturing and connecting and vulnerable and all those. But just think about how difficult it is for that man to know when to switch it off and on, especially if he's gonna be judged by someone or have been judged in previous relationships when he did display certain things. So that can be the difficult part too. And also, you got to remember, I've had or I witnessed a lot of women do things or say things to their sons who later grow up to be men, and it's difficult. Think about how many women or how many parents, not necessarily a gender-specific parent, but the role or the idea of chores or cooking and all those things are not as equal to that young boy as it is to that young girl. Hey, don't do that, that's for girls, or you don't need to bake, that's for girls, or hey, you take out the trash, your daughter, your sister do the dishes, vice versa. And when he grows up, those are life skills that he missed out on because hey, boys aren't supposed to do that. And now he's looking at her to do it, or think about this. She's probably in her mind, like, yo, how come you never cook for me? When he was younger, he was told that cooking is for girls, cooking, bacon, and all that is for women, which is again, that's a part of the alpha culture as well, which is unfortunate too, because Simon Cow makes over$30 million a year cooking. So I just remind and educate people, specifically parents, when I see them going down that same hole. I've I've I've witnessed a lady telling her son he wanted this easy bake oven. First, a while back they used to be opaque, but now they do have the ones for boys. So this was on the time like he was asking for it. He was crying. I remember on the aisle, I was getting some stuff from my daughter's class. She was like, no, that's for girls, you don't need to bake, whatever the case is. So I didn't say anything, but in my mind, like, yo, it's a life skill. It's not really. And he's a young person. He just stinking cupcakes individually to be good or whatever. Fast forward, like a couple weeks later, I literally seen what who I think is the same lady in the grocery store with the male partner. And he asked, Hey, what do you want for dinner? And her response at that moment was, it doesn't matter, you're not gonna cook anyway. So it's in my mind, I'm like, ma'am, you just shun your son because he wanted to cook. And now you got this man that you're dating or or at least with for this time, you're shunning him for not wanting to cook. He probably had the same experience that your son did. So little things like that, I think people have to internalize, specifically women in those moments of am I promoting a certain characteristic or certain responses from or what I think culturally is. Because again, like I mentioned, they probably want that alpha or that masculinity present for the boardroom, or when they go out with other couples or in public. But here, when it's just men you, I want you to be vulnerable. I want you to be open, I want you to be show empathy and be in tune to me. But again, how would he know how to do that if he wasn't taught or if it wasn't accepted? So you would have to start assisting him in knowing that you would accept him for what it is.

SPEAKER_01 42:03

Let me just say though, I feel like if you have a partner who's telling you how they want you to be wherever you are, instead of being like, I want you as you are, getting to know you. I think the first step is getting to know the person and who they are in all the places. But if you get into a relationship and then you're like, I want you to act like this out there, and then I want you to be authentic in bed, it feels like you're not accepting the person for who they are. I would hope that we all want, and I know this is a little bit idealistic, but as we all I've definitely found after a relationship, I'm like, oh, I created the person this was in the relationship in my head instead of seeing them for who they were and being in relationship with that person.

Three Changes To Start Tonight

SPEAKER_00 42:54

Yeah. No, and that often happens. The perception, like you people probably have this idea of who they want to be with. They probably was a teenager and say, hey, when I get older, I'm gonna marry this person and we're gonna do this and that. Yeah, but now that you're older, you realize yo, how unrealistic those things are, or how pretentious they were, or how materialistic they were. Like in the actuality, I need somebody who's in tune to me and who want to love me and support me and respect me. So those things tend to be more in the forefront when you're 25 plus, or when you are a certain place in your career and you realize, oh, this list was holding me back. This is not really the person I want to be with. So I think once you identify, one, who you are, and then two, the type of person that you truly want to connect with and be with, I think you'll be better off because ultimately you want to identify or find somebody that you can call on. It's gonna be difficult for you to say we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together, but I can't be open with you. That's weird. I can't give you certain information, but we plan to be together the rest of our lives. I can't show you how I feel at my lowest point in my life, but I want to be with you the rest of my life. I can't engage with you sexually the way I truly want to, but we're gonna have sex the rest of our lives. That's uncommon, and that's you reducing yourself within those moments. So I definitely think you have to identify one, who you are, and then two, the person that you want to be with and can be with. Because you don't want to continue to be in a situation to where you feel like you are reducing yourself, or I'm the only one making sacrifices. We've been doing it the way I want to do it this whole time. What do you like? And think about how many people I hear this all the time within my sessions with couples. I told them what I like, but they don't know what they like. But that's because they never heard that. They never had the opportunity to have a partner who wants to explore them. And it can be difficult for them to just say, you know what, let me just figure out what I like. Or hey, babe, you just take the rings. You explore, and if I like it, I'll let you know. But we can try some stuff. But that's never happened. So it's uncomfortable for them to even engage in that way. So they typically say, I don't know, I like whatever you like, or whatever is fine. We can just keep doing what you want to do. Again, that partner is now I'm gonna get mine. I need you to help me help you so it can be pleasurable for both of us.

SPEAKER_01 45:20

Yeah, I liked what you said about you need to figure out who you are first and then figure out who you want, right? If you don't even know yourself, it's hard to figure out who you want to be with. So we are at that time where I think you've already given a lot of this, but I want to put it in a nice clean package for my listeners. For those of my listeners who are either a guy who this is resonating with and thinks you may have bought into alpha male culture in a way that's hurting you, or you're a woman who's either bought into it or has a partner who is bought into it. And I want to mention and give you credit for in the beginning, you also brought up this can take place in any identity. I am solidly in the queer community, and I can tell you that toxic masculinity shows up in. Especially lesbian relationships, but in queer relationships as well. So for anybody in this dynamic where this culture has seeped into your intimacy, can you start talking give them three takeaways? What can they start doing right now, tonight, after they get done with this episode to change the dynamic?

Where To Find James And Work With Him

SPEAKER_00 46:32

Yes, yes. So I would say the first thing you can do for not only your partner, but for yourself specifically is ignore the perception of others. So all those things that you think people want you to do or what you've seen or heard or watched on movies or social media, ignore that. Identify what your partner wants you to do, and then y'all will have a better experience. And then the second thing I would say communicate, communicate, communicate. It's three parts to communication. It's the giver of the message, the receiver of the message. But at times, or most of the time, or all the time, you have to ensure that we comprehend what the message is. Because this person, your partner or partners are telling you something and you're agreeing to it and you don't fully understand what they're asking you. So increase your communication with your partner or partners and go from there. And the third thing I would say is identify what true vulnerability is. Don't identify it as a weakness. Identify it as a strength that you are allowing somebody to assist you. A lot of times people don't want help because they've never been helped or they got it thrown back in their face. So if you can be in a situation to where you identify what vulnerability is and say, you know what, I'm gonna switch it up. I'm gonna I'm gonna allow you to assist me because whatever transpired in the past or previous relationships, it's not this specific person. You're doing them an injustice or a disservice, or not allow them to assist you and help you.

Final Takeaways And Listener Actions

SPEAKER_01 48:01

There you go. I agree 100%. There are a lot of nuggets in this conversation. It's packed with really good information. So I also want to encourage you guys to go back and listen to this again, at least in this moment as I'm talking to you. It's like it feels like it's moving so fast, and there's so many things that I want to dive into, but we don't have the time in this hour-long episode. So put it on repeat, folks, and join me on my socials because I will be taking important clips that I want to make sure you got and making sure you have access to what I think are very important pieces of information that James has shared with us here. James, can you tell my listeners where they can find out more about you, connect with you after the episode?

SPEAKER_00 48:51

Sure. The easiest way to find me is of course my website, www.m-e-n-c-o-h-a-l dumb. That's men2heal.com. And on there, you can purchase my book, which is Man Just Express Yourself. It's also on Amazon, Bonsa Novas, Target, Walmart, pretty much anywhere books are sold. My board game is on there as well. That's cheesy dates. You can only get that on my website. So outside of that, you you can get it anywhere else. That's specifically on my website. So that's that. My social media is also on my website as well. My Instagram is men underscore C O underscore H E A L. And that's probably the connection, an easy way. But on my website, it also allows you to send me information if you or your partners are seeking therapy, whether it's individual andor couples, couples, if you are in Virginia.

SPEAKER_01 49:43

Fantastic. The alpha script is a lie about sex. Good sex. It doesn't come from dominance, it comes from connection, as James has clearly showed through this conversation. If this episode cracks something open for you, whether you're a man realizing that the path you've been on isn't working, or the woman who's been waiting for him to wake up or supporting that path, send this episode to someone who is in need of this information. And hey, if you've been listening to this podcast for a while and you think the conversations like this are valuable, make sure that you head over to Spotify or Apple Podcast and give me a review. That's the way I can get these conversations in front of more people and experts like James in front of the people that need him the most. So remember, you can always drop a comment on my YouTube channel under the video if you have questions or comments you want me to get to James. He's also over on YouTube, and I will, of course, be tagging him and collaborating with him there. So we'll be able to see your comments and help you out. You can find me there at TalkSex within it. Listeners, thank you for being here and supporting the show and listening to experts like this who can improve all of our lives. So until next time, I'll see you all in the locker room and thank you, James, for joining.

SPEAKER_00 51:16

I appreciate you enough for having me.

SPEAKER_01 51:18

Cheers.