5 Things Men Are Told About Sex That Are Killing Her Desire

There's an entire ocean of online content teaching men about sex and women — and a huge amount of it is written by people who have no idea what they're talking about. Today I'm grading five pieces of the worst advice men are being fed, and giving you what actually works instead.

Savage on the advice. Kind to the men who got fed it.

What you'll learn: 
✔ Why "make her chase you" builds anxiety, not attraction 
✔ The size-and-pounding myth, and the anatomy fact that dismantles it 
✔ The lab study that proves women aren't "slower" — and what to do with those 10 minutes 
✔ The grain of truth in "alpha" advice — and the part that's dangerously wrong

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Transcript

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New Name And No Shame

Annette Benedetti 1:02

I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast formerly known as Locker Room Talk and Shots. The show has a new name, Talk Sex with Annette. But at its core, this is still your locker room. It's where we strip away shame, get curious, and speak the unspoken about sex, pink dating, pleasure, and desire. Around here, nothing's off limits. These are the kinds of conversations we save for our boldest group chat, our most trusted friends, and of course, the women's locker room. Think raw, honest, and sometimes unapologetically raunchy. Welcome to my podcast where desire meets disruption and pleasure becomes power. Let's talk about sex. Cheers.

The Five Bad Tips Report Card

Speaker 1:47

Today's Talk Sucks for the Net topic is five things men are told about sex and intimacy that are killing her desire. Today I'm doing something a little different. I've been wanting to do this for a long time. I am going to rate the sex and intimacy advice men are getting online because here's the situation. And it's not the fault of the guys listening. There is an entire ocean of content out there aimed at men promising to teach them about women, about sex, about how to be wanted. And a huge amount of it is written by people who clearly never made a woman finish in their entire lives. And men are drowning in it because for generations, nobody gave men a real, honest, shame-free place to learn about this stuff. So they went where the confidence was the loudest. I get it. But some of the loudest advice out there is actively making your sex and intimacy life worse. And today I'm going to go through five pieces of it and tell you how bad it really is and give you what actually works instead. So here's how this works. I'm grading five pieces of advice like a report card, straight A through F. And A means it actually is solid. A C means there's a kernel of truth buried in some nonsense. And F means it's actually torching your sex and intimacy life. And you need to unlearn it starting tonight. I'm going to be brutal about the advice. I'm not going to be brutal about you for having heard it. Because if you believed some of these, you are in enormous company. And stick with me all the way to the end because after I grade all five, I'm going to give you the one thing every single piece of bad advice has in common, the root that lies underneath

Where To Watch The Video

Speaker 3:30

all of them. But before we dive in, I have news for you. I am now posting the video version of this audio podcast, if you're an audio listener, over on Substack. You can find me there with my handle at TalkSexWithinet. You can also watch the video version of this podcast episode on my website where all of my how-tos and interview podcast episodes are going to be streaming. You can find the video version to this episode at talksexwithinet.com. Head over there, watch the video, sign up for my e-newsletter, and I will make sure to send every episode directly to your inbox. You can also scroll down to the notes section below where you can find links everywhere you want to find me. I cannot wait to see you there. But for now, let's dive into those five pieces of really bad advice that are torching your sex life and start changing that tonight.

Why “Make Her Chase” Backfires

Speaker 4:26

Cheers. Piece of advice number one is make her chase you pull away and she'll want you more. Make her chase you is the most repeated dating advice online, and it's building you a woman who's anxious about you, not attracted to you. Here's the difference. You've all seen this one. The advice that says the way to keep a woman interested is to stay a little distant. Text back slow, never show your two into. Keep her guessing, and she'll chase you forever. It gets dressed up as confidence and high value and abundance. This one I'm giving a solid F. It is one of the most relationship poisoning ideas out there. And here's why it fails. And this is the part that's most important for your actual intimate life. Anxiety is the number one killer of desire. Full stop. When you run the cold withholding maker chase script, you're not making her want you. You're making her anxious about you. And an anxious woman is not lying awake at night wanting to jump you. She's lying awake wondering if you're losing interest, replaying your last text, feeling insecure and on guard. That is the exact opposite of the relaxed, safe, turn-on state a woman's body actually needs to want sex and intimacy and to be able to enjoy it. You engineer suspicion and stress, and then you wonder why she's never in the mood or why she's engaging in performative sex and intimacy. She's around you for all the wrong reasons. She's watching you, not craving you. The spark you built was cortisol, and cortisol does not get anybody into bed. And here's the surprising part that should actually end this debate. The research on long-term desire finds the single biggest driver of a woman staying attracted to our partner isn't mystery or distance at all. It's feeling that our partner is responsive and emotionally present. Warmth is what sustains desire. The cold, distant thing might create a jittery spark for a week or a couple weeks or maybe even a month, but it's poisoned to the exact thing you actually want, which is a woman who's genuinely hot for you six months in. So here's your takeaway for tonight. The fix is to do the opposite of the script. When you think about her, tell her when you want to see her say so. Text back when you actually want to, not on some fake three-hour delay. Being genuinely, openly interested in a woman is not low value. It is the rarest and highest value thing there is because so many men have been told to hide it. Confidence isn't pretending that you don't care, it's caring openly and not being afraid of what she thinks about it. Make her chase to build anxiety, not desire. Warm and present beats cold and distant every single time.

Size And Pounding Myth Busted

Speaker 7:10

Piece of advice number three is it's all about size and pounding her harder and longer. Men are told bigger and harder is a whole game. The research says you're aiming at a spot that can barely feel it, and that harder can actually cause her pain. Let me explain. This is the whole manosphere gospel, and it is everywhere that it all comes down to your equipment and your engine, that bigger wins, that the goal is harder and deeper and faster, and that going like a machine for as long as possible is what makes you a legend. It puts one body part at the dead center of the entire universe. And it's not hers. I am giving this one a big fat F. And the research embarrasses it on every front. On size, study after study has shown again and again that when given choice on their preferred partner's penis size, women landed on an average preference of around six and a half inches. Nothing like the monster-sized cock the internet sells. And studies consistently find that width matters more to sensation than length, because the outer third or vaginal canal is where most of the nerve endings are. The deep heart obsession is aimed at a place that has fewer nerve endings and less sensitivity. And here's part that should really land. Going harder and deeper isn't just missing her pleasure. It can genuinely cause her pain because driving deep into her on a body that isn't fully warmed up hurt. So the harder is better advice, is often making it physically worse for her. Well, the guy thinks he's a hero. But here's the anatomy fact underneath all of it, the one that dismantles the whole myth. 70 to 80% of women do not reliably finish from the main event alone, meaning penetration and intercourse at any size, at any speed, for any length of time. Her pleasure was never living where these guys are aiming. So a man can have the exact body they're selling, do everything they say, and still leave her with nothing, because the entire framework is built around the wrong body part. The fix is the best news in this whole episode because it takes you off the hook for the two things men are most insecure about. Your size doesn't decide this, and your endurance doesn't decide this. What decides it is whether you use everything else. Here's your takeaway for tonight. Stop treating one body part, aka your penis, as the star of the show and start treating your hands, your mouth, and a toy as equal players. Give her direct, dedicated attention where her pleasure actually lives as the main course and not an afterthought. The guy who does that beats the guy with the quote, perfect penis or body, every single time because he's playing the right game. Size and speed are not the game. 70 to 80 percent of women don't finish that way at all. You're aiming at the wrong spot if you're following that advice. Manosphere

Women Aren’t Slower To Warm Up

Speaker 10:07

advice number three women are just slower to warm up. It takes them forever. You've heard it, quote, women just take forever to warm up. A lab study actually measured it and found that women hit peak arousal in about 10 minutes, the same as men. So if she's slow with you, it's not her. You've heard this one everywhere. Women are just slower, it takes them forever. Their bodies are on a different clock. So a guy either has the patience of a saint or he doesn't, and there's not much he can actually do about it. It gets treated as a settled biological fact. This one also gets an F. And here's the surprising research that earns it. When scientists measured physiological arousal in a lab, they found women reach their peak physical arousal in about 10 minutes on average, which is roughly the same as men. She is not on a slower clock. Her body is not the problem. What's actually happening is that the 10 minutes she needs are usually being spent on the wrong things or skipped entirely, because the most sex and intimacy is built around getting to intercourse as fast as possible. And here's how believing this one wrecks the actual sex and intimacy life you're trying to build together. A man who has decided his partner is just slow stops paying attention. He waits it out, going through the motions, watching the clock instead of watching her, and she can feel every second of that checked-out impatience, which yinks her right out of her body. So the belief becomes self-fulfilling. He's convinced she's slow to get aroused, so he phones in the warmth. So she never gets there, which proves to him she's slow. Meanwhile, her body was ready to do its job in about the same time his was. So the myth isn't that women need time. It's the belief that the time is some mysterious slow burn you can't influence. You absolutely can. And here's your takeaway for tonight: give her a genuine 10 minutes of focused, present, unhurried attention before intercourse is even on the table. Mouth, chance, her whole body, no rushing toward the next thing, and treat those 10 minutes as the main event, not the toll booth before it. The research is clear that more time building arousal raises her odds of finishing. She was never slow. The warm-up was just being skipped. Manosphere

Dominance Needs Communication

Speaker 12:27

advice number four. Women want a dominant alpha who never asks and never shows needs. Real men never ask, they just take charge. Half of that is right, and half of it will shut her body down completely. Here's the line that most men get catastrophically wrong. This is the big one: the whole alpha male gospel. Be dominant, take charge, never ask, never show need, never check in, because asking is weak, and real men just know. Here's why this one is genuinely tricky to grade, because it is wrapped around a grain of truth that makes the poison go down easy. I'm giving this one a C because it's half right and it's also half poison to your intimate life. The be confident and take the lead part earns real marks because plenty of women genuinely do love a partner who takes charge in bed. I've made whole episodes about it, but the never ask, never check in, real men just know part gets a screaming F. And here's how that half wrecks sex and intimacy. The guy who refuses to ask or read her ends up steamrolling right past every signal her body is giving him. He does the move that worked on someone else, ignores that she's sensing up or gone quiet in the bad way, and calls it dominance. What she actually experiences is a man who isn't paying attention to her at all, which makes her feel unsafe and shuts her body down completely. You cannot dominate someone into arousal while ignoring them. The never ask part doesn't make him a Dom. It makes him a guy she's enduring. The research on what women actually fantasize about finds that submission fantasies are extremely common. But every study of what makes them work in real life points to the same foundation, which is trust and communication and feeling safe. Dominance without that isn't a fantasy come true. It's just a bad experience. The safety is the thing that makes the dominance hot. So here's your takeaway for tonight. You can absolutely take the lead. Most women love it, but do it out loud and do it watching her. Tell her what you want to do to her and then read her reaction before you do it. Say, I want to pin your hands above your head. Would you like that? It's more dominant, not less, because it proves that you're paying attention. Take charge like she's the most interesting thing in the room because she is. That's the version women actually fantasize about. Manosphere

The Marathon Sex Trap

Speaker 14:53

advice number five. Lasting longer is the whole game. If you finish fast, you failed. Men are terrified of finishing too fast. So they spend the whole time in their own head counting. That exact anxiety is what makes you finish faster. It's a trap, and here's the way out. Everywhere men look, there's advice about stem. Last longer. Train yourself. Count backwards. Numb it down because in this framing, the whole worth of a man in bed is how many minutes he can grind away. And finishing early is the ultimate humiliation. This one gets a D because control is a real skill, but it's obsessed with the wrong number. And cheatsing that number actively backfires. Here's how it wrecks sex and intimacy. The guy fixated on lasting is spending the whole time in his own head, monitoring himself, counting, gritting his teeth, doing math, which is the textbook definition of what sex therapist called spectating. He's not present with her at all. He's referring his own performance. That self-monitoring anxiety is exactly what makes men finish faster. So the obsession creates the problem it's terrified of. Meanwhile, she's underneath a man who's clearly somewhere else in his head, and she's feeling like a piece of gym equipment he's grinding away on. She's not lying there with a stopwatch, guys. Most women aren't finishing from penetration or intercourse alone, no matter how long it lasts. So 20 minutes of the thing that wasn't going to get her there is not the flex these guys think it is. And here's a surprising number to put the marathon myth into perspective. When researchers asked both men and women their ideal duration for actual intercourse, the answer came back around 13 to 18 minutes, not the hour-long endurance feat the internet sells. And notably, sex and intimacy therapists considers 7 to 13 minutes completely adequate. The marathon was never the assignment. Somebody made it up. So here's your takeaway for tonight: move the goalpost off the clock entirely before things even start decide that her pleasure and your presence are the only scoreboard and that penetration is one part of the night rather than a timed event you can fail. Here's the bonus most men don't expect. When you take the stopwatch out of your own head, the performance anxiety that makes men finish fast in the first place tends to ease up on its own. You get the staying power you wanted by stopping chasing it. Chase her experience at the clock. So here's the final report card. Make her chase you. I'm giving it a fat F. It's all about size and pounding. F on the anatomy. Women are just slow. F because she hits peak arousal about as fast as you do. B and never ask alpha. C, because half of it's right and half of it's poison. And last a marathon or you failed. D for aiming at the wrong target entirely. Now here's what I promised you.

The Root Lie Behind It All

Speaker 17:53

The one thing every single piece of this advice has in common, the root lie underneath all of it. Look at the pattern. Make her chase you. Pound her harder. Outside as the next guy. Never ask. Last longer. Every one of them points the man's attention at himself, his performance, his equipment, his stamina, his image, his strategy. And that is the lie because arousal, desire, and orgasms and hot finishes do not happen inside of you. They happen in the space between two people who feel safe and pay attention to each other. Every piece of Manosphere's sex advice fails for the identical reason. It turns you inward onto your own performance at the exact moment. The whole thing depends on you turning outward onto her. That's it. That's the tale. Any advice that has you managing your own image, instead of paying attention to the actual woman in front of you, is going to fail you in bed every single time. So flip it. Get out of your head, into her, stop performing, and start paying attention. That single move is the thing all five of these were keeping you from. And it's the only thing that was ever going to work. The reason this garbage spreads is that men were left without anywhere honest to learn. So the loudest voices filled the gap. That's not your fault. But you're here now and you clearly want to be good at this for you and for her. And you just got the thing none of them will sell you because you cannot upsell a supplement or a course on top of pay attention to her. Warm beats cold, attention beats performance, her beats the clock. And now you're ahead of the pack.

Takeaways And How To Reach Me

Speaker 19:35

If this has struck a chord with you, let me know. Give it a try. Take some of these takeaways home tonight and let me know how it goes. You can share your experience by emailing me at Annette at talksexwithinet.com. And remember, check out the video version of this podcast episode on my website at talkswithanet.com. The handle there is at TalkSexwithinet. And you can subscribe and watch it there as well. Until next time, I'll see y'all in the locker room. Cheers. Do the sex.