#312: How to Reinvent Yourself After 50 When Everything You Built Falls Apart, with Deborah Knight

Have you ever wondered if it is too late to start over after the ground has shifted beneath you?

If you are in the middle of a midlife career or life transition, where a layoff, a relationship ending, a diagnosis, or simply a quiet sense that this is no longer me has cracked open the life you spent years building, this conversation will meet you exactly where you are. My guest, Deborah Knight, has lived through layoffs, single motherhood at 42, marriage to a partner battling addiction, the loss of her home, and a cancer diagnosis that launched her into surgical menopause. What she shares is not a polished comeback story. It is an honest look at what it actually takes to rebuild, and why the possibility you are looking for is almost always hiding in the in-between.

In this episode, you'll discover:

• Why a life quake is so often not the end of your story, but the beginning of the most honest version of it, and how to find the possibility hiding in the in-between
• How to let the colorful, fully expressed version of yourself back into the room after years of staying "beige" to fit in, stay safe, or meet everyone else's expectations
• Why you are never starting from scratch in a midlife career and life transition, and how every skill, every hard-won lesson, and every quiet strength becomes the ground you get to rebuild on

Press play to hear a conversation that will remind you that you are not too old, you have not missed your window, and the most honest chapter of your life may still be ahead of you.

Have a question about your own journey? Ask Me Anything! Send it to me for a future episode: Kavita@itsmytimenowcoaching.com

If Deborah's story is sitting close to home and you are ready to stop circling and start moving, book a Clarity and Next Chapter Call with Kavita for one real conversation about where you are and where you are meant to go, or take the Career & Life Fulfillment Quiz to see what is quietly holding you back from your next chapter.

About the Guest

Deborah Knight is an entrepreneur and strategic communications expert with more than 25 years of experience helping leaders, public figures, and brands shape their voice and tell their stories. She is the author of the forthcoming book Menopause Speaks and serves as a patient advocate and spokesperson for Mount Sinai Hospital's Mature Women's Health Initiative.

You can find Deborah here:

Website - https://www.dkpr.ca
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/menopausespeaks/
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/deborahknight/

_________________________

Schedule a Clarity and Next Chapter Call with Kavita

Take the Career & Life Fulfillment Quiz - find out what's holding you back and how to move forward with confidence.

Connect with Kavita on LinkedIn | Instagram | Facebook

Visit itsmytimenowcoaching.com

New episodes every Monday and Thursday.

This podcast explores career and life transitions, helping women find clarity, confidence, and purpose through Ikigai and self-discovery. We cover navigating change, overcoming self-doubt and limiting beliefs, finding your purpose-driven career, and building the courage to start your next chapter - whether you're facing a career transition, life transition, or midlife reinvention.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

At 46, my guest lost almost everything she had and then built a life richer than the one that fell apart. If you have ever wondered whether it is too late to start over, do not go anywhere, my friend. Welcome to the Midlife Reinvention Podcast, a podcast helping women in career and life transitions achieve clarity on their next steps so they can transform uncertainty into an energizing next chapter. I'm your host, Kavita Ahuja, and the founder of It's My Time Now Coaching. If you're wondering what's next in your career or life, you are in the right place. Through solo and guest episodes, you'll gain practical tips, tools, and inspiration to help you uncover blocks, gain confidence, and be, do, and have what you want. I rediscovered myself after the age of 50, and I know you can too. It's my time now to help you do just that. I'm so excited you're here. Let's dive in. Welcome back to the Midlife Reinvention Podcast. It's your coach, Cavita. We are continuing my story series this week. Though today the story is not mine. It belongs to my guest, Deborah Knight, and her road may feel a lot like your own. In this episode, you'll discover why the life quake that cracks the ground open beneath you, the kind that levels your plans and leaves you with no footing at all, is so often not the end of your story, but the beginning of the most honest version of it. You'll also discover the colorful, fully expressed part of yourself that you shut down years ago to fit in, to stay safe, to be the version everyone expected, and what starts to happen the moment you let her back into the room. And you'll discover why you were never starting from scratch, why you're not too old, and you have not missed your window, and how the strengths you have spent your whole life building, every skill and every hard won lesson are the very ground you get to rebuild on. So stay with me till the end because the single most important thing we landed on is the one we saved for last, and it is the one I most need you to hear. Welcome back to the Midlife Reinvention Podcast. If you're in a season of change right now, whether in your career, your health, your identity, or simply in how you are seeing yourself in this stage of life, I think this conversation will really speak to you. My guest today is Deborah Knight. Deborah is an entrepreneur and strategic communications expert who has spent more than 25 years helping leaders, public figures, and brands shape their voice and tell their stories. What I especially appreciate about her story is that alongside that professional success, she's also willing to speak honestly about some of the things many women still navigate quietly: confidence, change, menopause, and what it really means to really come into your own voice and power later in life. So I'm so happy to have you on the show, Deborah. How are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 3:40

Great. Great to see you, Kabita.

SPEAKER_02 3:42

Yes, it's it's lovely to talk to you. I know we spoke a little bit earlier, and I was fascinated by your story. You've reinvented yourself many times. When you look back at these different stages in your life, what do what do you think has kind of kept you kept evolving instead of kind of staying staying stuck in maybe one identity, right? A lot of people just have the one thing and that that becomes their identity. Have you managed to do that?

SPEAKER_00 4:08

Well, Kevina, I think there's so many things that happen to us in the decades of our life, right? If you think back, I think it's it's often what happens in our 20s, 30s, and 40s that define where we are today as a 50 plus woman. And I think sometimes many of us look at where we are today and sometimes don't appreciate where we came from. And I believe that that really is the key to understanding the wisdom that you bring to your life throughout the decades. I mean, it really is a building block situation that we're all living in. And I was reading recently about something called life quakes. And the life quake idea is that there are things that happen to us, like a life quake, like something in your life will happen, or there are things you can create, both of which create the underfooting that was once stable becomes broken up. And if you think about the geology of the earth breaking up right beneath you, what it does is it gives you that instability that you didn't expect. Sometimes the earth completely changes underneath you. So you have no way to catch your footing initially. You might even fall through and then have to climb out again. And if you think about your backyard rather than a huge disaster, about how the earth does shift and how nature every spring will create different flowers. You know, I don't know about you, but I I tried to diligently plant in the fall. And it's not the way I designed it, whether that's the animals that get to those bulbs, or whether it's the weather that gets to the bulbs, or whether they just don't sprout. And so I think that what's in between our planning, right? What's in between the planning and the goals that we set for ourselves and the opportunity that lies ahead is the possibility, right? And you and I have spoken about the possibilities that are there for all of us. And I think sometimes in life, particularly in places like big cities in North America, where we're always running around and doing things so quickly, we don't stop and pause enough to look at the possibilities in the middle. And that really is the lesson that I learned because I was always a planner. In my 20s and 30s, I had these goals, I had these plans. And of course, what did they say in life? God laughs when you create plans. Right? Because we don't often see them come to fruition no matter how hard we push. And I don't know if you've ever been in a situation like this where you feel like you're pushing something uphill, like this big huge rock or this big. I like to think of the caveman and those big wheels that they're pushing up. And I think that's that really is how I've often felt. And then one time someone said to me, Why push that all the way up? Yeah. Why not hike it? Take it with you.

unknown 7:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

Pushing things up doesn't it rarely get to the point that you want. And that was a really, really hard kind of reconciliation for me. And it wasn't a realization as much as a reconciliation. And the difference is because the realization meant for me that I had to stop and look back and go, oh, well, and have a big sigh. But the reconciliation meant that I accepted it. I really accepted that it's okay not to have those plans turn out the way you expected. And that perhaps those possibilities in the middle should have been what I was paying attention to more. Because sometimes when you pay attention to the possibilities, you literally can grab one of those and say, that's better for me. And then the opportunity presents itself. And so that to me was a big awakening because my 20s and 30s, I spent a great deal of time pushing, pushing, pushing. And I gotta say, unlike a lot of people, I've been an entrepreneur now for 26 years. So when you're an entrepreneur, as you may have heard and you may know yourself, you're used to pushing, right? You're used to just going pushing through. And so therefore, when I had my identity had to shift completely. So going back to your initial question, what was it that happened? Well, I had a regular full-time nine to five job my whole life. I graduated from university and my parents said go get a job. And you and my parents had jobs that lasted 30 years. Yeah. And so I expected I would get a job and hopefully a job in my field. I was studying arts administration at the University of Toronto. So I wanted to work in the arts and culture sector. And I was really interested in working with people. And so I got my first jobs based at like as internships and being involved in the arts sector. And I found myself laid off sometime around 1999 when I was working at a big arts and culture center, and it was purchased by an American company who came in and did a clean sweep of everyone that was Canadian who were in management. And I was one of those people. And so that was not something that I was used to experiencing. My father had experienced that in his career. And so the answer my parents had was, we'll just go back out there and get another job. And so that's what I tried to do. But my identity all of a sudden was shifting at that moment because I thought, wow, like this is tough. It's tough to get a job like the one I had. So luckily for me, I had some friends around me who said, Why don't you try to get some contracts, see what happens? And then maybe from those contracts, you'll land a full-time job. And so this was 25 years ago. There were not very many contracts. Like contract work really wasn't as popular as it is today. So I needed to make a living. And I was single and I had no kids, and I was living downtown and living the sex in the city lifestyle. So I needed to make money, right? So so I just, so what I did was I talked to all the people I knew that were doing fractional contract work, they call it now, and said, How do I get into this? And what and so one of my friends had a film company, and he said, Well, we have our table at the front. It used to be designed as a reception area, but why don't you just use it as a desk? And when our clients come in, we'll introduce you. And maybe if you get some clients, you can introduce them. And this was a time when film TV was not only popular as an art form, but websites were being built and videos were being produced. Yes, yes. And that all fell into the area of marketing and communications, which is what I was studying. So I just hung out there and I just talked to people. And sure enough, I got my first client from word of mouth. And then I just never looked back. But I got to tell you, like in those first few years, I hired people, I had interns working with me. I still wasn't making a lot of money. It was really difficult, right? I was kind of living, as they say, paycheck to paycheck. And then throughout the first decade, they say like the first five years is really tough, right? And it really was. But once I made that time work for me past five years, then it was easier because then people know who you are and what you're doing. I didn't want to go back to full-time work until I knew that it was something that interests me. And so through the last 25 years, there were jobs that interests me. And I did go back to some full-time work. One time in particular when my son was a baby. But you know what? Cavita, it only lasted a couple of years because I'm not a round peg in a round hole. Yeah.

unknown 12:33

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 12:33

When I was a teenager, when I was a university student, I remember one of my mentors at university for a summer job said I was a square peg. The holes were all around. Yeah. And she kind of foresaw this happening when I was a university student that really the corporate life wasn't for me. And so here's a part that I didn't listen to that because I so wanted to fit in. It was I so wanted that. I thought, well, if everybody else can fit in, so can I. But then she said something to me which always stuck with me. Do you want to be beige or do you want to be colorful? Something like that. And so her viewpoint was, yeah, that the corporate sector for someone like me was very beige. And that it really wasn't me. And then I kind of came into a room when wearing purple like you're wearing today, or fuchsia, you know. And and that was that was interesting to me, but I didn't really grasp it. Yeah. And until I became around an older person, I would say around 50, right? When I went, oh yeah, like, yeah, it's okay to be fuchsia pink and purple. I don't want to be beige. No, because I still wanted to fit in. I still wanted what I thought was security, right? Job security. I wanted a regular paycheck. I wanted to like buy a house. I wanted all those things that I thought full-time work was going to give me. But in fact, it's not all those things that give it to you. It's what you create yourself. As a single woman, I bought my first house as an entrepreneur. And I've bought four houses since, all as a single income earner. And I did get married twice in my life, but both times I was the breadwinner in the relationship. My husband's the first one and the second, did not have money, did not have real estate. I was the one that made all of that happen. And so I was really proud of myself that I was able to do that as an entrepreneur. And so that shattered my belief right there that I couldn't do that. So I think that what I noticed, at least for me, is I had all these beliefs lined up. I had to get married young. I had to buy a house with a husband. I had to have a child. And when none of those things happened for me and I was still single and childless at 40, I went, oh, okay. This really is something that I'm creating and see where this goes. Between 40 and 50 was when I had a child and got married, which is actually very unusual. I've learned.

SPEAKER_02 15:21

Wow. Amazing. So there's so much there, Deborah. So I love firstly, and yes, you should be very proud of yourself as an entrepreneur and all the other things that you've done because that's one of the key things, as I always say, is be proud of what you've what you've created, where you are now. Don't ever regret anything that you've done because it's all a building block for where you're going, right?

SPEAKER_01 15:42

Right.

SPEAKER_02 15:42

But I love that. I love because that's what you started with. I love that life quake thing. That's really awesome because you think about it that way. Everything, maybe it's some quakes, but it all turns out after, like it all rebuilds somehow. It could rebuild in a completely different way, or it could just be a slight quake, right? And I love that. And I do, I do believe that what you described about the in-between, the the possibilities are in the in-between phase, because when we have those quakes, often we go to the try to just go to the next thing without really planning or figuring it out, or in your case, how you just you got laid off and you were like, Hey, I'm gonna just do this, and you sat in an office and and you created the possibilities, right? And and I think that that just those are some of the things that what you said really are resonated because you don't if you don't want to be beige, you you don't have to be. Like you can be colorful, right? And it's really up to you to to to create, create yourself, right? To to to be create your own kind of colorful life the way you want it. So I really appreciate you sharing that. That insight is really, really powerful. And so, like, let's talk about that. You said that you after 40, you kind of you're looking and like I didn't fit all the expectations of what I was expected to do. And just along that line, women, let's say who are in the 4550 range or higher or or older, they have so much wisdom and they have so much possibility in front of them. Yet there's still that often that hesitation. And I'm sure I've seen it, I see it all the time. I'm sure you've seen it with either people you work with or your colleagues or your friends. And why do you think that happens? Like, why do we as women hesitate? And how do we help women trust themselves again to move forward?

SPEAKER_00 17:39

That's a big question, but it is a really good question. And of course, I think women of a certain age, when we hit 50, a number of things are happening. We can't help ourselves but to look back, right? Because our society has said, this is a big birthday, you must look back. And that's not easy for a lot of people to do. And why it's not easy is because, like you mentioned earlier, there's the problem of regret, there's the problem of what do I do now? And there's the problem of what do I want now? And I think that it's all right for us to question all those things. I tend to not look back in regret because I can't change what has happened. Right. And I really, really have lived by that for a very long time. Because if you look back in regret, it causes a lot of pain and opens up some old wounds and traumatic events that you may not be able to reconcile with when you get older because it's not the person you are today. And so I tend to look in the past and go, that that was interesting that that happened, but I'm not that person anymore. I feel now I'm a different person than I once was. And so maybe what served me in the past perhaps is not going to serve me moving forward. And so keeping that in mind, what is it that I really want to do? It comes out of the idea that it's okay to play around with things and fail, right? And so I think if you think about the culture that we're living in, women, like many, many people, say, well, if I fail, what does that say about me? Right. And so the idea that you fail forward sometimes needs to be remembered that that is the only way to learn, and that's the only way to progress. Yeah, I failed at a lot of different things that I've attempted to do, but they've taught me something along the way. One of those things was going back into the corporate world and then realizing that this is not going to work either.

unknown 19:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:41

I got laid off multiple times in my life. Yes. For a variety of reasons. Yeah. And so if you know that people, people who get laid off, there's a couple of sayings that they use, right? People say, I got laid off, and I got the next job that came was a better job than the one before. One window opens, the other one's closes. The idea that the best people get let go because they are they're the creative ones or they're the smart ones, is not something we say out loud, but often that's that's what happens to people. And so when you have an event like that, that can change your perspective. Or you get to a part point in your life where you say, I just can't handle this corporate job. I just want to retire. And all of a sudden you're left with this opening in your schedule that you finally did take the retirement, but then there's things you want to do and you don't know where to start. I believe women have to say to themselves, it's okay to fail, it's okay to chase my passions, it's okay to even rest and dream about what I want to do. Because we don't give ourselves time. I just met a woman recently in a mastermind group that I'm working on where I'm facilitating eight women in transition right now. And she took a year and a half to just figure out what she wanted to do. Now, that may sound like an enormous amount of time for people, but she needed that. She really, really needed to do that. And and now she's living her best life and doing what she really wanted to do, but took the time to really figure that out. Now, if financially speaking, people can't take that kind of time and not work, and and there's that financial pressure, then that's gonna that's gonna add an enormous amount of pressure there as well. And I understand that, and I've been through that. And in that case, I would say small steps every week. If you can just schedule small steps in your calendar that say, today I'm gonna I don't know, do that thing that you wanted to do. Research that thing you wanted to research. And I think that if we make time for it, that possibility will present itself a little more clearly.

SPEAKER_02 21:58

Yeah, absolutely. I mean you spoke about a lot of things and that this hesitation and and it all comes down to fear, right? And fear of failure, fear of insecurity of what's going to happen, or but I love what you said is that don't look back and regret. And it's okay to fail, fail forward because that's the only way we learn and grow. And I think that's the main one of the main messages is that if if a woman is hesitating to do what she really wants, take the time like you're the the woman that you described in the in in the in the mastermind, take your time to figure it out because it is the time that you need for yourself. And we don't give ourselves the time that time often. And when you are able to figure out what is it you really want, who are you really, what do you really want, then you get the confidence and then you can move forward and take those steps. So yeah I think it it is really about facing your fears right and that's that's the big question is how do we do that? Because there's so many fears that we have especially as we go older, right? And how did you get how did you become more confident like after after 50 or at when you turned 50 like what happened there where it's like what changed for you at that stage? I know what changed for me is like well if I'm not going to do this now when am I going to do it? Right. But tell me a little bit about your experience when you I guess turned 50 or in the later stage like you're just like I'm just going to do this. Like what how did that happen?

SPEAKER_00 23:25

So at the age of 42, I gave birth to my son and my and I was not married. I was dating a guy who wasn't interested in having children and he was seven years younger than me. So we broke up when I told him I was pregnant. And at 42 I wasn't sure that this was the right path with me with with me being potentially a single mom. So I decided at that point well I'm keeping the baby I'm 42 the chances of me getting pregnant again are minuscule. My son was 0.07 chance of being born as a miracle baby. So that was and he was healthy and that was gonna what gonna be the situation I faced my at the moment but I had my girlfriends around me and I said okay well we're gonna raise this baby together. Me and my girlfriends right and my girlfriends like some of them were married some of them are single we're like yeah we're gonna raise this baby and so I at that point because it was a situation that I had no choice that presented to me all of a sudden you go well this guy I'm dating doesn't want a baby. He wanted the relationship but didn't want a baby. Okay fine well as you can well imagine it took a bit of time to sort of figure out how I was going to handle that because that's not the norm, right? Usually you tell your partner you're pregnant and everybody's happy and they live happily ever after right and so that was also very embarrassing that I couldn't tell people that because everyone wanted to know well what did he say? The answer was let's break up which is not what people wanted to hear and people then thought I could convince him and all the rest of it. Well fast forward a few years we stayed we broke up we got back together then we got married our marriage lasted three years his parents both died tragically three months apart he became an alcoholic financially he couldn't work sorry he couldn't work and financially we were destroyed I became depressed because I was married now to an alcoholic he had anger problems he never hit me but he hit the wall I had to kick him out I kicked him out he went to his brother's his brother brought him back I had to call the police my neighbors who said they would help all turn their back on me oh my god help me and my son help with him but they all turned their back on me because they were all embarrassed. We lived in a nice neighborhood they all thought he was embarrassing he came around and he was drunk he got picked up off park benches by police police were constantly coming to my house depositing him back to my house I sent into rehab he escaped rehab I sent him the hospital he walked out of the hospital it was an ongoing issue I then promptly gave my clients their money back on the advice of a an entrepreneur and lawyer whom I knew who said tell everybody you're not in any shape to do this and you'll call them in the future or they can go hire a competitor but you just really can't do this right now. I was forced to sell my house because I had no money I gave my ex first and last month's rent. I found him an apartment I put his stuff in a van because he was drunk for the day that he was supposed to be moving I called his brother begged for him to help me he came along we got him into an apartment and I shut the door and said that's it we are totally done goodbye I was now a single mother with no house no income well I had a house but I had to sell it right yes yes yeah I had to sell it and I gave like I said you have to give your ex some money to survive and so by that time I'm around 46. I have a five year old son my parents are elderly and my parents were there to help but they weren't there to help financially that's for sure. And so I just said okay here's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna shut this door and I'm gonna walk away because this house is not my home it's just a house I'm gonna create something new for myself and I'm getting out of this neighborhood because ironically the women that said that they'd be there for me all were not I needed to get out of this neighborhood because I felt that sometimes people talk that they're gonna they talk and say they're gonna help people when it comes down like I needed help I needed help with like little things like can you watch my son for a couple hours like little things like that. And nobody was willing to help me. So that was really a wake up call and I suppose all of that happening together was a wake up call. And so when I then found myself moving to another neighborhood just me and my son that's when something like that really shakes you to the core because at that point I didn't have I didn't have that business that I built anymore. It had come completely collapsed because I was depressed. I couldn't actually work properly so that was a big change in my 40s when I should have been earning lots of money and establishing myself everything fell apart. Then after that that's what got me really strong to say well this is what I'm now dealt with how am I gonna survive right and so at that point somehow I just kept going so then when I turned 50 so when I turned 50 I was still working on my own and I met another man who became the love of my life Edward is his name who worked in the same building as me and he had a business and I had a business and so at the age of 50 I was 50 he was 54 I fell in love again and we became a couple within the a year of meeting and so things changed rapidly after that. And because he was also an entrepreneur he really understood what I had been going through and his business was pretty successful. So we together kept our two businesses going.

SPEAKER_02 29:58

Wow thank you for sharing that I know it's it's probably hard to talk about all the things the highs and the and and the very lows and and I'm I'm sorry you went through that and but I also think that it's such a amazing lesson to anyone listening is like you can be in those real lows that we had just described Evera but it's about you and your resilience and about how do you look at it it's like okay here I am I'm we I think you said something about I'm gonna shut this door and walk away and create a new doorway I guess when it's not easy it's I'm I'm not making it sound like it's all roses it's it's not it's very hard but I think when you are able to have that belief I guess in yourself that you can do this then doors open and possibilities arise and you the love of your life enters or old clients remerge and and it's not it's about that energy right that positive energy that gets created when you actually believe that you know despite what everything that happened to me I'm capable and I'm able to do this.

SPEAKER_00 31:06

And and today Kavita my ex is homeless and he lives in a mend shelter and he's in a rehab facility. So it never got better. So I just want you to to know that like people may say well who are these homeless guys out there well my ex-husband's one of them because he never got himself together and for years I tried to help him financially I tried to help him with whatever resources I had to help him not be homeless. And I even prevented him from being homeless and gave him the money that he had to pay me as support gave it back to him and he still ended up being homeless. So I think that you have to say don't let this bring you down and that was one of the biggest lessons I learned is I had to try not to let him bring me down because he was not going to get any better.

SPEAKER_02 32:02

Well thank you for sharing all that I I I think maybe if I just maybe we kind of switch a little bit in terms of topics and you're you're you're you're writing a book now I believe called menopause speaks and you're I think it was inspired by your own journey through cancer and menopause. And so tell us a little bit about how that interest became and why is this as I said in my introduction you said why aren't we talking about all this and why is it such a taboo topic and and maybe some there's also something called surgical menopause that you yeah that you talk about in the book. So just maybe a little bit about yeah this whole topic of that we go through as everybody all our all us women and why aren't we talking about it?

SPEAKER_00 32:43

Right exactly well lately people have been talking more about it which is fantastic. But yeah the the downside of people talking about menopause the way they are today is that there is a such a great amount of information out there we don't even know if some of it is real. The misinformation is enormous. And so menopause speaks came out of my own questioning what is actually happening here and who are the experts and why aren't I meeting them? I'm also a patient advocate and a spokesperson for Mount Sonai Hospital for mature women's health so we can actually start to shatter the misconceptions and the taboo topic that menopause sometimes is to try and give women the information that they need. So menopause speaks came out of this idea that if we don't talk about this stuff, we're never going to help each other. And because women are great at helping each other if they'll only open their mouths and talk about it, many of us just keep it all inside. And so when I was diagnosed with uterine cancer and endometrial cancer is what it's technically called in my uterus I had no idea what was going on I thought that I was having a period and it was what they say the last hurrah when you're in menopause you're having a period I was 54 years old and I was still having a regular period. So I thought what I learned was that nobody understood why I was still having a period my hormones were in check they were high estrogen levels were high I started to have bleeding that was unexplained and still I went for many tests and no one told me that this was abnormal. So it took me about two years to figure out that I had cancer and then when I had wow yeah when I had when I had found out about the cancer I was in shock and what I needed to luckily it was caught early but it was in stage one still so the recommendation was a radical hysterectomy and when you're still having periods and you have a radical hysterectomy which means you take out every organ not just the one that has cancer that's the recommendation in Canada because cancer can spread if you just take out the one organ you don't know what else is there. Right, right you go into something called sermeno which is surgical menopause. And that is the stage where your hormones are completely drained they're gone with the the removal of your ovaries so you're no longer making estrogen testosterone or progesterone when you're no longer making those things women then have to put it back in their body. Yes. And so that's where hormone therapy comes in and so people in surgical menopause have a unique situation that they're not creating any hormones at all. Stage of menopause that we're talking about with regular women is when women stop having periods and then their hormone levels very gradually start to drop so that you're able to adjust to all the different things that happen during menopause. And I think there's like 35 different symptoms of menopause. So menopause is defined as when you stop bleeding after one year. And then those things may have been happening during your stage of perimenopause but they will continue throughout your entire life there is no such thing as just going through menopause. We are in menopause for the rest of our lives so when I had the problem that I had that cancer then created surgical menopause it then made me feel like an entirely different person. I had lost my ability to have emotions I lost my ability to even have awareness physically of what was happening around me. I had peripheral vision but I couldn't feel anyone behind me coming up all of these sort of senses that you take and take it for granted all started to go away. And and so you start to feel physically very very different. And not having the ability Kavita to even cry or process emotions the way I used to made me realize that I was like I felt alone in this there but I couldn't be it there must be lots of other women going through this. But I quickly recognized that menopause is not defined by surgical versus regular menopause. It was just menopause. So that's when I started to like do the research well what if we told women what was going to happen and then I started to quickly realize people in their 20s 30s and 40s were getting surgical menopause because endometriosis was on the rise. Yes and people were having this happen in childbearing years and it was really really difficult because when you get launched into menopause no one tells you about all the things that can happen to your brain health your heart health your your brain your bones and so the conversation really began of me interviewing women finding out what we weren't talking about like sexual relations yes what's happening with our bodies what was happening in our relationships with men and then also talking to women who believe they didn't have any symptoms at all but they just didn't feel right. Yeah it's just the whole understanding that it's okay you may not have all 35 symptoms but some of those symptoms that could be there that you're not even recognizing. Yeah yeah and so it began as a project of providing the right information and using my experience of talking to many, many doctors and being told the wrong information and I had to keep going. I had to keep going and going until I found the right information. I gotta tell you if I hadn't done that my cancer would not have been found because every doctor said I was all right until I found the one doctor who said I wasn't all right.

SPEAKER_02 39:05

It's so important to to get the right information and then what's kind of a through line I'm seeing in your whole life is that you kept saying you kept going to find to find the right information and to to get the answers and to talk about it. And I think that's so important anything that we're experiencing as women if we're going through it like if nobody knows there's it's such misinformation around there we must bring that forward and we it's really important to speak about it. And so I love the the name of your book Menopause Speaks it's and and the awareness that you're bringing to it.

SPEAKER_00 39:39

And so with my work as a volunteer with the Mount Sinai Hospital and and the Mature Women's Health initiative I've really really come to realize that every woman is individual. You cannot just treat menopause in one big way with all and say oh because you're menopause these are the things that you need to deal with yes every woman needs to see a doctor where they can talk about their individual care. Yes yes and one one idea does not fit all yeah so and so yeah and and it's really especially when you've had cancer and there's also myths around cancer and HRT and menopause that also need to be broken down. And so that without going into all those details that's what we're hoping to do is just get women to ask those questions.

SPEAKER_02 40:32

So that's congratulations for being a part of that but that was fantastic. I mean such a wide ranging conversation we've had Debra as I knew we would and ranging from menopause to relationships to career and all the things that we go through as women. So I really really appreciate you sharing your expertise and your your life story and with such vulnerability vulnerability as well.

SPEAKER_00 40:55

I think that the reinvention began where I said okay now I'm like around 25 years in this business what is it that I really want to do that I enjoy doing and I think that by looking at the world of social media and marketing and looking at how people communicate in general and the rise of AI, my business has transformed quite a bit and will continue to transform quite a bit. And I I would say it's scary but exhilarating at the same time and I do tell people I've gone up a million and down a million in my business. Yes that's just part of it like I told you about four houses but I also went up a million and down a million. And I mean down like a debt of a million then up again but I mean the point is that when I look at what I've done and I look at the like the income I've made and the impact I've made on my clients and the continual consulting work that I do that helps people, it makes me encouraged that I can continue to pivot in all sorts of circumstances. And I have to say with the women that I've met that are over 50, they're actually coming up with the most exciting ideas for how they want to live their life and it is really incredible because women now are saying a lot of things like I'm not interested in that anymore or I don't want to pay attention to that anymore or it doesn't make me happy anymore. Yes. And it is a common thing that I'm hearing a lot of me too. And I think there's like some calmness in that that I think many of us are feeling like we understand where we've been we feel confident and who we are and now we just don't care about some of the things that we used to care about. Like I hear one thing I hear a lot of so my women my women friends who are fashionistas for example they're not that interested in spending all of their money and time on fashion anymore. They're just they're more interested in experiences.

SPEAKER_02 43:03

Yes yes it's about resilience it's about pivoting it's about adaptation like you were mentioned AI and it's about it's about understanding what you really want and not really caring about well not I mean not worrying about expectations right and well I couldn't have said it better myself but I think I think from this whole conversation I just think this this line is is kind of maybe it come encompasses you is that just keep going just keep going with that being right just keep going well yeah I mean if you ever watch Mel Robbins sometimes or her podcast and she says the best time to start is just right now. Yes exactly just start yeah just have a microphone just mic drop there I think that's that's where we leave it because that's that's the most important one of the most important messages just to keep going to just start the best time to start is today for everything.

SPEAKER_00 44:00

And yesterday the best time to start was today and yesterday I mean it I think that we think that if we haven't done it we've lost the thread or we've missed the boat or all of those expressions one of the things I never say is I'm too old for that. Oh please yes I never say that and if I hear that I cringe and I go too old for what like really say that in your head even we could we could talk for a long time I really appreciate this conversation.

SPEAKER_02 44:32

Yeah but thank you so much I really appreciate all that you've shared thank you Evita what Deborah and I explored really stayed with me and I have a feeling it stayed with you too. Before we go let me leave you with the three things I want you to carry out from this conversation. First the life quakes that moment when the ground shifts beneath you and nothing feels stable what we landed on is that the quake is not the end of your story. It is so often the beginning of the most honest version of it. And the possibility you're looking for is rarely in the plan you made it in the in-between in what actually grows back once everything breaks open. Secondly you don't have to be beige the colorful fully expressed version of you that you quieted down to fit in is still in there. And this is a season you get to let her out and third you are never starting from scratch. The strengths you have spent a lifetime building every skill every hard won lesson everything you've quietly become good at the ground you stand on now. You are not too old you have not missed your window it was never too late. So here is the real question what are you gonna do about all of this? Because a beautiful idea you nod along to and then forget changes nothing. So start here my friend go to the show notes and send me your question through Ask Me Anything. Send me an email at cavita at it'smytimeowcoaching.com Ask me a question about the thing that you keep circling the dream that you keep quietly carrying write it down and send it to me I read every single one and yours could be the one I answer in the next episode. And if you're ready for more than another episode if you're ready to actually move book the clarity in next chapter call with me. The link is in the show notes. One real conversation with no pressure or script the two of us getting honest about where you are and where you are meant to go. And remember my friend, you get to decide what comes next so say it with me and say it with confidence. It's my time now