#329: The One Question That Turns a Hard Feeling Into Clarity in a Midlife Transition

Have you been naming the loudest feeling of your day and moving on, without ever stopping to ask what is really going on underneath it?

For most women navigating a midlife career and life transition, the anger, the stress, the flatness you cannot quite explain are not the whole story. They are the tip of the iceberg. The truer feeling, the one that is actually asking to be heard, is sitting quietly underneath, and it often has something important to say about a part of your life that is waiting for change. In this Thursday check-in, Kavita builds on her Monday conversation with Dr. Lorea Martinez in Episode 328 and hands you a simple, honest exercise you can use this week to get to the bottom of your own iceberg.

In this episode, you'll discover:

• Why the first feeling you name is almost never the real one, and what your surface emotions are quietly protecting 
• A five minute paper and pen exercise built around one question you can ask yourself over and over until you land on what is truly there
• What often waits for you at the bottom of the iceberg, and why it is so often a value, a passion, or a whole dimension of yourself that has quietly gone unheard

Press play to learn how to read beneath the surface of your emotions and let them show you where your life is asking for change.

If a feeling you touched this week is pointing to a part of you that has been waiting to be heard, take the free Ikigai Clarity Assessment to see which of your four dimensions is thriving right now and which one has been asking for your attention. It turns what you feel into a clear place to begin.

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Take the Ikigai Clarity Assessment and find out which of your four Ikigai dimensions may be out of alignment.

Schedule a Clarity and Next Chapter Call with Kavita

New episodes every Monday and Thursday.

This podcast explores career and life transitions, helping women find clarity, confidence, and purpose through Ikigai and self-discovery. We cover navigating change, overcoming self-doubt and limiting beliefs, finding your purpose-driven career, and building the courage to start your next chapter - whether you're facing a career transition, life transition, or midlife reinvention.

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Transcript

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When a hard feeling hits, we tend to name the loudest one and move on. Today, a simple exercise to look underneath it and find out what it is trying to really tell you. Welcome to the Midlife Reinvention Podcast, a podcast helping women in career and life transitions achieve clarity on their next steps so they can transform uncertainty into an energizing next chapter. I'm your host, Kavita Ahuja, and the founder of It's My Time Now Coaching. If you're wondering what's next in your career or life, you are in the right place. Through solo and guest episodes, you'll gain practical tips, tools, and inspiration to help you uncover blocks, gain confidence, and be, do, and have what you want. I rediscovered myself after the age of 50, and I know you can too. It's my time now to help you do just that. I'm so excited you're here. Let's dive in. Welcome back to the Midlife Reinvention Podcast. It's your coach Kevita with your Thursday check-in. On Monday in episode 328, I had the most wonderful conversation with Dr. Loria Martinez about emotional intelligence and about treating our emotions not as problems to push past, but as data worth listening to. And there is one idea in that conversation I want to slow down with you on today because it genuinely is one of the most useful tools I know, and I want to hand it to you properly so you can actually use it this week. Lorraya and I talked about the idea of an iceberg. If you could picture one for a moment, and what you see above the waterline is only a small part of it, and the vast majority of it sits underneath the surface. And our emotions, as Lorra says, work in very much the same way. There is the feelings that we show, the one at right at the top, the one we name first and most easily, and then there's the ones underneath it, the deeper, truer feelings we don't always see ourselves, and often that we are not even aware of. And here's why that matters so much for you, because most of us live entirely at the top of the or the tip of the iceberg. Something happens, and we grab the loudest, most obvious feeling, and we call that the whole story. I'm angry, I am fine, I'm stressed. And then we act from that surface feeling or we push it down and carry on without even asking what it is actually happening underneath it all. But the surface feeling is rarely the real one. Anger can often be fear or hurt wearing armor. Stress can often be sadness or grief that we don't have a moment to feel. And if we only ever deal with the tip, we never touched a thing that is truly going on. Take irritation, for example. You snap at someone you love over something small, and if you stop there you would call it a bad mood. But if you looked underneath, you might find you are exhausted, and underneath that that you feel unseen, and underneath that a quiet grief that no one has asked you how you are in a very long time. That is the real iceberg, and you cannot address what you will not let yourself see. So this week, rather than just a question to sit with, I want to give you a proper little exercise, because this one deserves a pen and a few quiet moments. Here's what I'd like you to do. The next time a strong feeling rises, and you will know when it comes, don't act on it right away, and don't push it away. Instead, find five quiet minutes and take out a piece of paper. At the very top, write down the feeling that you just noticed. The loud one. The one at the top. Angry, overwhelmed, fine. Whatever it is, name it honestly. And then ask yourself one question and write down whatever comes. And what is underneath that? What is underneath that top feeling? Don't censor it. Don't tidy it up. Just let the honest answer come. And when you have written that one down, ask it again. Of the new feeling. And what is underneath that? And keep going gently, one layer at a time, until you reach something that feels true. You will know when you land on it because there's often a little release, a softening, a sense of, oh, so that is what this is really about. That is the whole exercise. Name the surface feeling, and then ask what is underneath that over and over again, until you reach the bottom of your own iceberg. Because here is what I want you to take with you. Your emotions are not in your way, they are information. That irritation, that restlessness, that flatness you can't explain. Each one is a messenger. And it is carrying something you need to know. Often something about a part of your life that is asking for change. When you learn learn to read beneath the surface, you stop running by feelings you don't understand, and you start to hear what they have been trying to tell you all along. So that is your check-in this week. One strong feeling, a piece of paper, and that single question asked as many times as it takes. And what is underneath that? See how far it takes you. And here is what so often happens when you do this. When you finally reach the bottom of the iceberg, what you find awaiting there is not just a feeling, it is a message about your life. So much of what sits underneath our restlessness or our irritation, our quiet flatness, is a part of ourselves that that has gone unheard for a long time. A value we have been ignoring, a passion we have set down, a whole dimension of who we truly are that has quietly gone quiet and is asking for our attention. And if that is what surfaces for you, and if you sense that some part of you has been waiting, that is the most natural possible moment to take my free Ikigai clarity assessment, because it will show you exactly which of your four dimensions of your reason for being is thriving right now, and which one has been asking to be heard. It turns that feeling into a clear place to begin. The link is at the top of the show notes. And remember, my friend, you get to decide what comes next, so say it with me and say it with confidence. It's my time now.