96. The Top Onboarding Training Gap: Teaching New Hires How to Navigate Team Conflict

Most onboarding programs teach new employees how to do the job. Few teach them how to navigate the relationships.

In this episode of The Leader in You Podcast, Dr. Lola and Polina discuss one of the most overlooked gaps in employee onboarding: preparing new hires to recognize, navigate, and address team conflict before they become part of it.

When employees join a new team, they don't enter a blank slate. They inherit existing communication patterns, team dynamics, unresolved tensions, and relationship injuries that may have developed over months or even years. Without the right tools, new hires can quickly get pulled into negative cycles, workplace drama, and ineffective communication.

Through a powerful real-world example of a newly hired CEO who became overwhelmed by team complaints within his first weeks on the job, Lola and Polina explore how organizations can transform onboarding into an opportunity to create emotional safety, strengthen relationships, and build healthier team cultures from day one.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why traditional onboarding often overlooks relationship dynamics
• How unresolved team conflict impacts new employees
• The role managers and trainers play in creating emotional safety
• How the EmC Process helps employees recognize and navigate disconnection
• Why new hires are often uniquely positioned to help teams reconnect
• How teaching relationship skills early improves engagement, retention, collaboration, and culture

People don't become part of a culture by learning the rules. They become part of a culture by learning how to connect.

Listen in to discover how onboarding can become one of the most powerful tools for preventing conflict and building emotionally connected teams.

The Leader in You is the go-to podcast for anyone who wants to create a workplace culture where teams can thrive.

Envision a future where you are more grounded, confident, and in sync with your team. 

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Connect with Dr. Lola Gershfeld:

LinkedIn: Dr. Lola Gershfeld
Instagram: @drlolaemc

Connect with Polina Marian:

LinkedIn: Polina Marian
Instagram: @livewithfivekids

Dr. Lola Gershfeld, a distinguished organizational psychologist, has dedicated her career to delving into the intricate layers of employee engagement, team dynamics, and wo...

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Experience work interactions in a different and refreshing light. This is the Leader in You podcast brought to you by EMC Leaders, taking care of the teams you care about. We bring the signs of attachment and emotional connection with insight from the last 20 years to share how you can overcome conflict issues at work and build strong team relationships as well as the connected culture.

SPEAKER_01 0:33

Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Leader in You podcast. My name is Paulina. I'm so excited to be here. Remember, this is brought to you by EMC Leaders, and I co-host this podcast with the amazing Dr. Lola Gershfeld. Welcome, Dr. Lola.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

Hello, Paulina. Hello, everyone. It is so good to be here with you. Thank you for joining us.

SPEAKER_01 0:58

Yay! So we're pretty much at the start of summer, which is getting hotter everywhere, at least on the west coast and also the east coast, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:11

Florida, it's very nice. It's very nice, 85 degrees. So beautiful weather. The ocean is so calm and just lovely.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

Yes. Well, actually, this time also we tend to see a lot of turnover in companies and how there seems to be this, you know, um, increase in onboarding new employees and onboarding new team members. So it's perfect time to talk about how incredible it would be to incorporate the EMC process into an onboarding system for new team members and new employees across your company. So that's what we're going to be discussing today, and just perfectly in time of the almost start of the new season of summer. So we actually have a great story that we wanted to share that has to do with this topic, which is how we kind of came up with this like, oh, this is such a good idea. Because probably so many times people wait to deal with conflicts in teams until there's actually a conflict. But this is like the preventative care that needs to happen. It's like the preventative medicine that you take to make sure that you stay healthy all year long. This is just like that, but on a whole different level. It's the preventative mental health care that we can take to make sure that our team members and our new employees in the onboarding process feel safe and secure already in the workplace. So tell us the story, Dr. Lily. You had a fantastic story about this exact thing.

SPEAKER_00 3:04

Well, I want to tell you what a fantastic way to help the culture, right? Because as a manager, as a trainer, your job and your goal is to create a positive environment for people to where they can uh thrive, they can collaborate, they can engage. And when you do have new people come in, what often happens is that there's a lot of disconnection happens at the beginning because with the person, they they go through the onboarding training and they hear one thing, but when they start uh working with the team or with a manager, they hear different things, right? They actually hear, like, oh, this is not how the company works, and you should stay away from this person. And let me tell you about that person who is causing this issue. So um I remember years ago, I was working at this company, and we had a new CEO hired. And I and for the first two weeks, everybody wanted to talk to this new CEO. He made everybody feel safe and comfortable, but they were complaining and criticizing and judging. And for the last two, I mean, for the next two weeks, the only thing he heard is how everybody's not working and how they're not taking accountability and how they're not following through the project. So I remember he he got everybody together and he said, Look, I've been listening to you for the last two weeks. And and I want to tell you, please do not complain anymore. You know, let's just get to work. And that was uh um obviously he didn't have the right tools to uh get people um, you know, uh in the right place of mind and reconnected. But this is what happens when people, new people join the team. Um, they on one hand they they kind of get into the negative cycle and they become part of that negative cycle. On another hand, they can actually help the team to uh regain the balance because if you teach a new person the EMC process, they are much more willing to take risks and to do things because they don't have relationship injuries yet with anybody. So they are much more courageous and much more in balance to actually do the process.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

So let me just, if I understand correctly, so what was happening was when the when they did the onboarding for the new CEO, correct? Um, like everybody was complaining because they felt safe to complain to him as though he was like they were looking for him to solve their problems, right? Like these are all the issues that are going on in the company. This person's doing this, like they're kind of giving him like a recap of the last so however many years or months or whatever they've been working there and their experiences that were not resolved and you know dealt with, and so they were kind of like unloading on him so that he knew what was was the drama in the company, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 6:19

So they in a way they are pulling him into the negative cycle, yes, but yeah, I I totally get that.

SPEAKER_01 6:28

Um, and I think that's that happens in all relationships inside of work, like even when a new coworker comes, right? Let's say you have a new team or member that comes and then you become close with that, or maybe you're on that same team and you click, and then now they're kind of spilling all the things that you know are going on or have gone on, or what's going on with them in the company. And so it's very common to do that because the way that they're expressing themselves are using those negative, uh, you know, ineffective ways by complaining and criticizing and judging and blaming, which we point out in the forum when we work through conflicts. And so this is what they're doing. They're trying, they feel safe enough to express themselves, they're just expressing themselves ineffectively. So it's it's like he becomes part of, like you said, the negative cycle that's already taking place in the company. And at the same time, this is the beautiful thing about this process. He can choose if he had the tools, if we put in a CEO that has the tools, he would no longer become part of the negative cycle in that moment. It's the way that he's responding or um dealing with the situation, the tools that he has, that determines whether he becomes part of the negative cycle or not. So this is the point, right? So just because they're complaining and judging and blaming and kind of giving him the update of the situation at the work doesn't necessarily mean that he's in like he he it's them trying to, you know, bring them into the negative cycle. It's the person who's come on as a CEO or a new team member or a new employee, whatever that job or that role is, they get to decide with the tools that they have. If they don't have the tools, they don't really have a decision, right? They get sucked into it because that's the same thing they know, right? They're like, Yeah, oh my god, now we're gonna start making the judgments based off what these people tell me and who do I like more and who's in higher rank and what are they telling me? So who has more merit to tell us what is going on in the company and who should I believe? So this is what happens. This is why we're we're trying to show the importance, how incredibly important it would be for anyone onboarding to a new company to learn the EMC process, to understand the effective communication tools, recognition, awareness, identification, expression, all that thing that all validation, all the things that we talk about in the forum to be able to handle any situation that comes at them when they join. Now, something you said that was really important that I want to point out in the two weeks that he experienced it, by the end of the two weeks, because he doesn't have these tools, right? He did end up getting caught in the negative cycle because he said, like, okay, enough already. I've been hearing all your complaints. And so he pretty much was exhausted, tired, probably overwhelmed, annoyed, irritated, frustrated, all those surface emotions, like surprise, probably when he came to the company. So he's like, Okay, that's it. I want to stop you. Like, it's enough is enough, as opposed to validating from the very beginning. Had he walked in and started with the process, knew how to communicate, knew how to use the phrases. I hear you, I get how difficult it is. Okay, let's actually understand everyone's cycle. Let's understand the cycle of the company, let's understand each relationship cycle. Let's understand what are the patterns so we can change those patterns. And then let's work on all those relationships within the two weeks that he was there. He would have probably decreased the conflicts by 70 to 80% in the two weeks that he was there, had he known, right? Because it starts with the CEO, right? It starts at the top of the company, and then it kind of has this trickle-down effect, even though the effects of it probably would have been seen in the next three to six months. But the first two weeks of arriving there could have made a really profound impact on the team. And instead, because he didn't have the tools, which I can't reiterate this enough, doesn't mean that it's anyone's fault or they're a bad person, or you know, they are less or not knowing. It's just that we're not taught this process, not until now. Well, we have a process to actually learn, right? So if he if he knew it would have been much more effective because but he didn't know, which is very common, and he got sucked right into the drama that was going on in the company, the cycle that was happening already.

SPEAKER_00 11:41

Yeah, a hundred percent. And he you said it absolutely correct. He was exhausted, he felt that it was a waste of time, and he felt he called everybody little children because he said this is work, and we're here to do work, we're not here to blame each other, to bicker with each other. So basically, for two weeks, people vented and then they they were shut down. Yeah, and so what happened actually is they they became relieved, so to speak, for a few weeks, and then all of that negative cycle started to erode and actually created more drama and more um ineffective ways people dealt with it. So it was very, very difficult for the CEO to manage that drama. And uh, but he had onboarding. He had onboarding how to enter sales order, how to read financial statements, how to talk to the you know, uh to the technical department, what is the manufacturing process looks like, what are the ISO 9000? So he had onboarding, except one very important component is relationships and how to deal with how to recognize these patterns and how to fix the patterns instead of shutting people down.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

This is really interesting because I think that a lot of uh what happens in the dynamics of a corporate office and a corporate job is that people based on rank in relation to conflict, they will communicate in a certain way because of the rank they hold in the company. And so I think that something that how um, you know, something that this could really impact, this process could really impact in the onboarding is being able to feel as important across every single level of the company, regardless of your position, right? And a lot of times that's such a big missing piece in corporations, because a lot of times if you're just like the person who distributes the mail or the assistant, you know, or administrative, they're oftentimes felt a lot less important than you know, some of the top people in the company. But yeah, they could have different skills, of course, and they have different qualifications in the company. But incorporating this kind of process at such an early stage when you're onboarding someone could really help them thrive and move up in the company a lot faster when they do feel as important. Like, oh, I am an important integrative part of this company because what I have to say and how I feel matters. And I think, like, yeah, just like you said, the CEO came in, everyone was so excited because they're like, wow, we have someone new, he's gonna fix everything, you know, it's gonna be better. And then in two weeks to get completely shut down, and then also to have those kinds of demeaning comments. It's like, yeah, of course, now they are like, oh, this again, probably, right? Like, oh, we're gonna have more of this. Nothing's changed, it's kind of the same, it's not gonna really make a difference that we want to make.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

Exactly. And we we sort of have this expectation that if we hire a new CEO, suddenly with the new eyes, they will they will magically change the culture of the company, they're going to magically change people's behavior and they're going to get everyone on board and doing the right things, right? Magically. And unfortunately, even new CEOs or incoming new C people, whether it is a CEO or, like you said, an assistant or a manager, if you are not equipped with the right tools, you are going to unfortunately get stuck in that same uh negative uh cycle and interactions that are going on in the company. So I agree with you. And so I want to go into what people can do in terms of the onboarding and how can they uh create a way to help people to use the process um successfully so they are part of the solution rather than part of the uh somebody who wants to help but have no idea how to help.

SPEAKER_01 16:14

Yes, yeah, wonderful. So this is great. Um, and I think the first step is for them to all sign up for your course.

SPEAKER_00 16:24

Well, I think that the role of the trainer is very important, right? That the role of the trainer is not to judge people or not to try to pathologize, you know, what's happening in the company, but actually um understand like the the trainers and the managers play a big role, like a role model on how they address situations. So without taking sides or without trying to look at the behavior or certain part of the behavior and try to somehow saying, Oh, this person is so difficult, they are demonstrating the empathy, the relentless empathy that we need when people are being stuck in the negative cycle and respond to the disconnections that they're experiencing. So, even though the CEO did not have the tools, at the beginning he was empathic, validating, but at the end, he was getting exhausted because he didn't know what to do with this information. So, when you have an onboarding, when you use this process, you can incorporate it uh to really demonstrate like how difficult it can be for new people to hear this, and and when they can recognize the pattern, as you said, uh, very, very important. You can start changing and restructure the pattern rather than changing people's behavior.

SPEAKER_01 17:47

And I think too that that is such an important role to have, especially if you're a CEO or you are a manager or you are a trainer. You want to be able to understand why people react the way they do, which is what the EMC process teaches us, how emotions influence behaviors, how to approach difficult situations or interactions constructively so they people feel heard and validated and seen, how to build trust intentionally. So, like all of these factors they learn in the EMC process. They learn to understand, you know, how can we make an environment that allows new employees to feel included, to feel validated, to feel important, to feel seen, as opposed to what typically happens, where the new employees feel judged, excluded, afraid to make mistakes, you know, and they're feeling constantly like they're unsure of their environment, you know, and whether it's gonna be what they're doing a good enough job, you know. That I think that also plays a lot in the heads of new employees and onboarding new team members is am I good enough for this position? Will I be able to keep the position? Will I be able to do it, will I be able to make my team proud or my the the manager proud? So I think that in addition to preventing more tension, right? So it's like you can learn how to recognize disconnections, become aware of the cycle, just like you said, staying curious and having those conversations with people, like, okay, let's see, can I keep my own balance and then help other people support their balance as well?

SPEAKER_00 19:46

So yes, absolutely. And for that, you need a map. You definitely need a roadmap. And um, I recently listened to a podcast talking about the emotional connection process, and this person used the concept I like that the call the courtyard concept. And what it's basically is like a deliberate, predictable, and safe space said by a trainer, by a manager, that allows people to experience what does it even feel like to talk about uh maybe an uncomfortable experience or somebody like where you got hurt. And what I liked about this is that in in when people experience this, um, that it's okay to talk about the like hurt feelings, and there's actually a roadmap, a way to organize that experience, articulate it and uh express it, they start to feel comfortable and empowered by knowing how to deal with it when things like that come up. Uh, like uh I think you mentioned that with your new team member that joined your team. Uh, what was interesting is that when there was a disconnect in your team, this person actually called it out and said, let's do this process, let's get out of forms and uh come together and and talk about it. Because that person, first of all, did not have any injuries yet that within within the team, they had a lot of uh courage and strength, they were a lot more in balance, so they can actually facilitate the conversation. Where when people already worked in the team for some time and they have some injuries, they would maybe feel a lot more hesitant or uh scared to talk about it. But when you have a facilitator who is leading the conversation, it is a lot safer.

SPEAKER_01 21:40

Definitely. Actually, it was interesting when we did onboard this new team member. Probably within the first two weeks, we'd already done our first session with him. Yeah. Um, but I had a session recently with a guy who is a firefighter, and he was sharing very Similar experience, uh, where I mean, he's been a firefighter for a while now. Like he's has a conflict with another team member, and he recently, this firefighter recently got promoted, and so it was between him and a team member, a newer team member. And so they had a very similar conflict, and it was so and it was just in the basics of like the the new tem team member was acting like everything was fine with him and you know this guy that I had a session with, but then like behind his back, he would go to the chief of the fire department and say how he should have gotten the job, you know. And uh guy that I had a session with, he said that he felt so like uncomfortable and it was so difficult for him to know even what to do. Like he's been working at the station for a long time, and it was very, very difficult. Even having the session was he was actually really good with going through each of the sections of the form and communicating to me, which helped him feel much more relieved and free. But it was still it was his first time ever communicating his feelings that way. So uh, so you know, and he said, like, had he known or has this pro have this process available in the station, they could be having these kinds of conversations that could ease a lot of the tension. And he said, even in the industry where you're like a firefighter, you have to think quick in situations to keep people safe, right? If you're distracted or off balance emotionally, then it's much more difficult for you to know how to respond in moments of really high intense stress, you lose access to the parts of the brain. And he said that in the section, how he felt like, well, now like he's really stressed about this whole situation. And now it's like I already have stress with the job of how to make sure that I'm making the right decisions. Now I'm stressed with am I making the right decisions as an employee at the station with my peers, you know, with my team members.

SPEAKER_00 24:22

So it can be very heavy, exactly. And the brain, like you said, the brain needs to be focused on the job and the relationship, the breakup in the relationship takes that focus away from the job.

SPEAKER_01 24:36

Definitely, definitely. And one of my favorite quotes about you, aside from the fish out of the water, because I say that a lot, like throughout the day, like uh even we had another situation with two other team members that are not, they're remote, they don't live here, and so they were they something happened. We had a bit of a conflict yesterday, and I said to the girl that um the team member that I work with here, I said to her, you know, they're like fish out of water, they're just acting weird, and it makes sense for them to act weird, you know. But one of the other quotes that you say that I really like is people don't become part of a culture by learning the rules, they become of a culture by learning how to connect with people, right? Exactly, and I like to say connection over correction, connect and understand that relationship is much more at the priority at the top than before you have to correct an action or you correct a conflict or situation that could be throwing people off.

SPEAKER_00 25:33

That was a hundred percent. Because once you connect, you see options, yeah. Once you connect, you're much more open to recognize and understand what the other person is telling you and and sharing. Once you connect, you accept your own experience and the other person's. So I feel like uh once you connect, it like frees you up and to be the person that you want to be and the person that the other people are looking for, right? Because when we are disconnect, we lose that, we lose that sense of self and we lose the sense of being with other people.

SPEAKER_01 26:10

Yeah, definitely. Well, this was so lovely, and I feel like we could continue to talk about the onboarding process and the importance of using the EMC process to onboard new team members for hours and hours because there are so many important things that we need to learn before we come into a company and make an impact. And we want to make a positive impact so we create a thriving environment so that everyone that works with us and around us becomes closer to being themselves and the greatest version possible. So thank you very much for listening. Thank you, everyone who joined us today. This is the Leader in You podcast brought to you by EMC Leaders. Anything else you'd like to add?

SPEAKER_00 26:51

I just want to say that the EMC process actually provides this essential resource for trainers and managers and owners of the companies to navigate the complexities that happen in relationships when people work together. So when they have this tool in their toolbox, it's actually, I was talking to um somebody, and they said, and I said, the most important thing that trainers learn is how to use the attachment lens, right? So when they look at the problem, when they look at the situation, the first thing they do is put on these attachment glasses on. And now they can see it's like you can see the world differently, right? You can see what the situation, like you said, wow, they just fish out of water, they're struggling. That's a new way of looking at the situation, and you and that you you're shifting the perspective and you're also creating more safety and connection with other people. So that is a key to create for trainers to transform their relationship, transform the culture, and shift people into that way of thinking.

SPEAKER_01 28:03

That's beautifully said. Thank you so much, everyone, for joining us. And we love being here, and we appreciate your desire and your continued creative uh expressions on your feelings and the drive for you to become better in expressing yourself. Thank you very much for joining us, and we'll see you next week. Bye. Bye.

SPEAKER_00 28:31

Thank you everyone for listening. It's a joy to share these podcasts with you. Be sure to check out our previous podcast and subscribe to join us at our next podcast of the leader in you, brought to you by EMC Leaders, taking care of the teams you care about. Until then, be well and be focused on your relationships. We'll see you soon.