Going For What You Want in Life

This week we are feeling the EMPOWERED VIBES because our topic is all about putting yourself out there and really going for what you want in life!

Yes, it’s big, juicy and we love it! But to make it a little bit more digestible and actionable for you, we are going to focus on one small (but super important!!!) piece of it in this episode. The very first step to getting what you want in life…which is figuring out what it is you actually “want” to go get!

So get ready, pull up those bootstraps, and learn some valuable self-development tools so you can start asking yourselves the right kinds of questions to figure out what you might be missing from your life now. Then get some clarity (no pun intended) and perspective on what it is that you actually want in life! Finally… go get it, Fam… that is…right after you've got the latest episode downloaded here ;)

Transcript

Cali  0:02  
Love attachment and detachment detaching ourselves from thinking things have to be in a particular way. If I have this, then I'll get this and breaking those formulas up in our head so that we get to detach from that way of thinking, and create new ways that give us what we want here in the present time.

Barb  0:27  
Hi, and welcome back to clarity cafe. I'm Barb, and I'm here with my co pilot Callie. And we're delighted to have you here in our fifth season, where we're doing listener, suggested topics and today's topic is going to be an awesome one, which is going for what you want in life. big juicy topic. But before we get started, let me just do a shout out to our sponsor bio, reset medical. And just ask a question. Do you have any pain in your knee or your elbow or ankle or anywhere else neck back, that maybes from an old injury or a surgery? That's sort of one of those things that's holding you back in life? Well, bow recent medical has some innovative and non invasive, non surgical, great ways to address those kinds of things. So if you're interested, there's a link in our bio to connect you. And we want to thank our recent medical for continuing to support us to help bring clarity cafe to life so that we can continue to have fun and great interactions with you as our clarity, fam. So without further ado, let's get to the topic today of getting what you want out of life. Ha, Callie. Such a big topic. What is that?

Cali  1:53  
I know, gosh, thank you, thank you so much for this topic. And I think we can entire season on getting what you want in life for sure. Um, and because it's such a big topic, and so varied for all of us, we're gonna dive in with the approach of discovery. Today, we're gonna use the tool of questions and perspective and getting some clarity on what is it that you want in life. And also, this particular listener felt like, you know, maybe their significant other might be holding them back. And so can't wait to talk a little bit about what that means and how we can transform that perspective into something that gets us moving a little bit and not feeling so stuck. So let's start with some questions, shall we? BB?

Barb  2:50  
Questions are a great place to be like being in an inquiry. What is missing? Is there a feeling Dario a feeling there's something missing? And what are you looking for?

Cali  3:02  
Hmm, yeah. So when we say, well, I want this in my life, then is that that something is missing from our lives? And what is that thing? So for example, I want more money. And once I say I want more money, well, then, am I missing money? Well, no, I, you know, have some money. The conversation might be kind of like that. When I have students and people come to me, we have this little conversation, like, okay, so you're saying you have no money? Or what? No, I've got some money, but I want more money. Okay, so then it's not really the money that's missing, what does the money give you? So they might say stuff like, well, then I'll have more free time than I can spend it with people I care about, or then I'll be able to, you know, go do these other things, which are going to give me these experiences. So first piece of discovery is just to understand, you know, are you feeling like something's missing? And is that something that's going to be delivered by that thing that you want in life? Or is actually there a shifting that can happen? For example, if a person says to me, Well, I want more money, and I say, Okay, well, what is that going to give you? Well, I want to go spend more time with my friends and family. Okay, well, doing what? Well, just hanging out, it doesn't really matter. I just want to have more experiences. Well, money can help with that. But actually, there's two things there. What we want in life is more money, but also what we want in life is quality, time. And quality time can be delivered free of charge. So we get to say, let's give ourselves right here. And now that thing while we develop our bigger plan of how to have more money.

Barb  4:48  
Oh, you mean it actually might be here for me already. And I just am not seeing it because I thought maybe I needed more money to get that but if I just took a minute, I'd have it Not easy.

Cali  5:02  
Oh boy, our brains just does wild stuff. And it's fun to Canada unpeel it a little bit because we can get super fixated on thinking, Well, money is going to deliver that. So therefore, if I don't have money, I can't spend quality time. And actually, we can have the quality time right now. And here's the weird, fun, interesting thing to me is, when I have that quality time, I feel more wealthy. So another example is like, people say to me, Well, I want more money, so I can do my hobbies. Well, some of those hobbies, you know, may require amount of money that the person doesn't have. But often, it might be as simple as I just want to paint, I just want to learn to paint. Well, that's a pretty low barrier to entry. And when we give ourselves the opportunity to just paint, we can feel and experience feelings of wealth, and self care, and enjoyment and entertainment. We don't have to wait until we're quote unquote, rich to do that, we just need to make some time and space for it to happen right now.

Barb  6:10  
Awesome, that I was just thinking that that's one of those things, self limiting belief systems that we carry around that we're waiting for something to give us permission to be able to be present and happy and paint a picture. And, and actually, all you really need is a you know, piece of paper and something to draw with. If you're trying if you want to create something and all you really need is that moment with someone to have that connection and that underneath a lot of these conversations about what is it you really want. My experience has been when you start to deconstruct those questions, a lot of times it's just a you might connection, connection with yourself, and connection with other people, that's a genuine and present time kind of connection. And that we we've set these boundaries about not having enough. And this equation in our head of it like time is money, and you have to buy time and you're trading time for money, and not valuing this present moment. So lots to unpack there. But but one of the things that I hear a lot in these conversations is, is what people are really looking for is time. And that feeling of scarcity, right and coming from a place of there's just not enough, if I had more money, then maybe I'd have more time and then maybe I'd have more connection and that have more fun, or I'd have more art. But it's actually all right here for us right now, if we just take a moment for it. And I think in a previous podcast, we were talking about how that's easier to do with children, right? Because you can, if a child is having a tantrum about whatever, if you just say, Oh, hey, what about coming over here and drawing a picture with me, they're easily drawn into that. And that's going to be the thing that's going to be on your refrigerator for the next couple of months. It's a awesome picture of a treat. You know, that we're in many ways sort of trying to discipline our childlike mind, that is kind of throwing a tantrum or getting distracted here and there to want to come into this moment of, you know, what we want in life. And so coming back to that question of what it is that we really want, and how would our life be different, we can make that happen, we actually have the power to make that happen. That's like a big responsibility and a big amount of power, and also a ton of freedom in that.

Cali  8:31  
Yeah, I love that. I love attachment and detachment, detaching ourselves from thinking things have to be in a particular way, if I have this, then I'll get this and breaking those formulas up in our head so that we get to detach from that way of thinking, and create new ways that give us what we want here in the present time. And, you know, there have been periods in my life where I worked seven days a week, and didn't have a lot of quality time with others. And that came down to like prioritization. So for those of us that are out there, you know, working multiple jobs or working multiple days a week and feeling like short on time. There is some prioritization that can go into that, of figuring out well, at least once a week for a couple of hours I'm going to give to myself, or maybe it starts with 15 minutes here and there or just taking advantage of our work breaks, the 15 minutes and then the 30 minutes or, you know, and making the most use of that working within the infrastructure while working on those longer term things like changing the job situation, changing the living location to a less costly place or you know, those longer things that take time to develop. There's ways to feed and nourish ourselves with what we want, right here and now so that we don't have to feel from a place of scarcity. So With that being said, was we dive deeper into the discovery and the inquiry we talked about, you know, are you coming from a place of feeling like something's missing? Figuring out what is it that you want? And how is it different from what you currently have? And getting really clear on that? And then looking, you know, now that when you do have and get this thing, how does your life differ? And then, really understanding that maybe those are things that you can give to yourself right here, and now without having to wait for these long term goals to arrive? And the next piece is, is that thing that you want in life? Has it actually changed over time? Is that even a thing? That is, when you say, Well, I want this thing in life? Is that really something that you truly want? Or is it something that somebody else wanted, and he kind of adopted it as your own, and it might not actually be something that you really want. So just, you know, having an inquiry about the different aspects of going after why we want in life. And then the piece that our listener brought up was a perspective that maybe their significant other or people in their lives are holding them back from getting what they want. So this is where we pause for a second. Take a deep breath, and shift mindset. So if you feel like others are holding you back from getting what you want, the first piece we want to do is just start to be kind to ourselves, and recognizing that there are things that are on our side of the street that are in our control. And there's some stuff on the other side of the street, other people side of the street, it's not in our control. So it's not as simple as just saying, well, this person is holding me back. It's more like, well, let's break that down to a few considerations. And let's do some inquiry and discovery about what does that really mean? And what is in our control? And what isn't, BB you want to kick us off there?

Barb  12:10  
Yeah, but that, that process of? No, I've had a tendency in the past to project maybe the limitations on my in my own thought patterns and my own mental framework on to it's being imposed on me from the outside world, because that's a different conversation, right? So I love that we're talking now about like, if you feel like something a significant other someone in your life is holding you back. Let's look at what are the roots of that. Sometimes we're actually creating those limitations on our own, because we're trying to please someone that's this people pleasing personality, right, that I've dealt with all my life, which is I love for everybody to be happy, because then I can be have permission to be happy to everybody cool, can I get you anything, which is a really good way to be in terms of building community and creating ease for people, but can also turn into this very externally focused in a conversation where I don't feel like I can actually have the conversation about what are the things that are in my control in terms of how I'm able to move forward with what's happening in my life. So So I think the first step in a lot of these questioning about what's holding you back? And what do you really want is identifying, is this in present time, what I think I want? And how much control do I have over this? So for me, I know a lot of times, I'll be thinking, Oh, I have, you know, need to talk to this family member, I need to talk to a friend, I should go to the office and do this or that I need to go do this or that. And what I am not doing is saying what, what are the things that I wanted to accomplish in my day right now. And that might just be five minutes of going out on the deck or going outside and doing a little Tai Chi, or doing a little movement. And that's part of one of my bigger goals is to make sure that I'm taking care of myself so that I can take care of other people. So bringing that conversation into looking internally, it's not something that we're encouraged to do. We're very externally focused as a culture. So part of this is the the tools of taking a breath and letting your face relax, let yourself ground and take in that moment that can affect the whole rest of your day and how you feel because one of the goals I think many of us have is we would love to feel better at the end of the day than we feel at the beginning of the day, as opposed to exhausted and we might, we might confuse that with oh, I need more money. I need to have a bigger house or I need a better car or whatever those goals are a different job in order for that to be possible. But actually, that's actually very attainable today. If I just approach To the day, with a little bit slightly different perspective, it's not a big shift in perspective, it's just a slight shift of taking care of, of my internal needs as well as my external needs.

Cali  15:11  
Oh, yeah. So this is obviously a huge topic. And we're just doing a little sip of clarity on this topic, and we may revisit it in different aspects. And to our specific listener, we're so grateful that you asked this question. And obviously, we don't know enough about your specific example to, you know, be able to speak directly to the ins and outs of, you know, your specific case, we can only really talk in from our own experience and share that, which is a really important distinction to make. And from that perspective, you know, I know that in my past, and especially when I was a young adult, now actually even you know, teen and young adult and into my mid time I, I really had a period where I looked for other people's approval to be able to do what I wanted. And that could be, you know, parental figures or work, you know, people that I reported to, or even just like, my peers, or my friends, you know, peers at work or friends externally from work. There's a lot where, you know, I was like, I want to do this thing. And I felt like, I might have to convince them that that was a good thing, or that would that get them on board before I can move forward. And I recognize, and this is really, when I started doing meditation and starting to study visualization, and eventually creating, you know, my own practice, that I don't need other people's approval to do what I want in life, I don't need their permission. It's easier and helpful if I want to do something that I have, you know, people on board. But if the people surrounding me aren't on board, and it's really part of my truth, then I'm going to a give myself permission to just do that thing. And be find people and surround myself with people who also support me in doing that thing. So if I want to pick up a new sport, or a new, learn a new career path, or things like that, you know, go to school, join a club, I'm going to find people who support me in doing that thing, and they're into that thing too. So that I'm not unfairly expecting someone in my life to get on board with something they know nothing about. So number one, I do not need anyone's permission to do and manifest the life that I want to manifest. Number two, if the people around me aren't supportive, I'm going to find people that are, and I'm not necessarily going to expect the people around me in my current life, to give me that support, that is not necessarily their job, I do want them to be supportive. And obviously, if there's somebody in my life that's toxic, and dragging me down, that's another conversation about boundaries, or deciding that that relationship is not working anymore. But like, I don't make the people closest to me be responsible for supporting me and everything and all of my whims, because that's just not a realistic expectation.

Barb  18:22  
Yes. And it's also if you think about it, expecting, say a significant other to always, uh, you're walking down your path is we're walking all down our individual paths, and we have all these great relationships, and we have significant others, expecting them to be on exactly the same path that we're on, is kind of wacky if you think about it, because of course, they're an individual. And so if you, I've now found this wonderful new thing that I want to do immediately want to drag that person into it, that might not be the direction that this the best place for them to go right now. So I can create an opening and say, Hey, I got this great thing, I'm gonna go do this, you're invited. But it's not that sense of somehow, you, I really need for you to do this, so that I have permission to do this, I find that we often oftentimes, we lose track of that, and just are so excited about something, and so want to go full bore that we want to drag the people along with us. And you know, versus just giving them an opening, and vice versa, sort of seeing a significant other go in a certain direction and feeling like I wonder if I should do that too. So that we stay close, the relationship actually will stay will grow and become much more rich, if everyone has their own flower pot to grow out of versus having all the roots kind of competing for the same resources.

Cali  19:46  
That's beautiful. And you know, if you're in a significant other relationship, she he they whatever it is, and there's a shared budget, and you're like, Well, I can't do this because there's no budget for that. Well, you know, that's a financial conversation about Creating a budget carving out each person's discretionary spending and creating space for that to happen. So, you know, again, there's just like so many layers to this and understanding that, if we start from not needing permission to do the things that we're passionate about, that's a really great place to start from. And also, there may be some of us who unintentionally are we holding back someone from what they really want to do. And maybe, you know, in the budget, we think, Oh, well, this is really important to me, but I'm not really justifying the spend this is assuming you share expenses, but I'm not really justifying the spend on this thing that I think is wacky that they want to do, and I don't value it at all. Well, it's like, maybe we're accidentally kind of squashing what they want to do. So let's allocate discretionary spending for everybody in the budget, and they do it with their money what they want, and you do with your money, what you want, and by the way, reminding each other, you don't need permission, and they don't need our permission to follow their passions and their dreams. And obviously, we could say, within the boundaries of the relationship. You know, there's some things there, you know, but you know, it's just, it's an interesting thing, when we give ourselves permission, and then we open up other people to have full permission, and I don't have to understand. And even if it's not a significant other, or friends, or I don't need to understand, or have the same desire to, to, you know, go do that new hobby, or that new thing, I just my role in the relationship is to be supportive of them, and encourage them to find their happy. And that's what I hope they do for me, they don't have to understand it. Like, some people don't like dog training, they don't even like dogs can't even understand why we'd live with them. And I get that. And I've been to many places, and with I have many friends who know on the dog situation. So like, that's cool, but they support that I'm totally into it. And I support that they're totally into what they're into. And, and that makes relationships a lot easier and take some of that burden off of it.

Barb  22:16  
Yeah, I love that. You say that. It's hard for me to imagine someone who doesn't like dogs, but I know that it actually is true. But I will say that it's because I was teaching yoga for a while, I found that when I would meet people, and you know, they'd be like, Oh, I hear you know, you do yoga, blah, blah, blah. And they would say, I'm not flexible at all. And I'd be like, great, like, somehow they felt they needed to have some kind of a yoga practice to speak to me. And that was like, that's great. You know, if you ever want to, like, do yoga, you don't have to be flexible. But like, you also don't have to do yoga. That's just what I'm doing right now. I was like, why are they apologizing for not doing yoga? I'm not apologizing for not being a skydiver. It's just not in my current incarnation that I'm doing that.

Cali  23:04  
Yeah, totally is such a good point. And, you know, a lot of times I think people expect their significant others for them to, you know, like, do the thing that they're doing, and they're into, and like, that's, that doesn't, that doesn't work. You know, that's not fair. For anybody. Yeah,

Barb  23:20  
just, you just end up in a lot of sort of judgment and resentment. And those are so limiting, you know, just like, Oh, hey, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go for a bike ride. And then that gives the other person that permission to go do you know, take a walk or cook a meal or take a nap, all those things are good, you don't have to do everything together, I think that's a, that's the other thing is, you know, within close relationships, we start to mistake that everything should be together. And, you know, that actually makes relationships a lot harder. If everything is together. We've all had a lot of togetherness, you know, in our lives. And and there's beauty in that. And there's also the coming back fresh into the conversation with some new information or some new space.

Cali  24:05  
Yeah, absolutely. So, to recap, if you're, you know, wanting to go for what you want in life, you can do some discovery, asking questions, like what's missing? And is that what is it that I really want? Is it different from what I have? Do I Can I shift to just give myself parts of that right now? When we do get this thing? Is it really going to change life? It's so much so and how, and is that even something we want? Or is that something we picked up from other people and if you feel like other people are holding you back from getting you want, do some discovery on what that is and really break that down. And it might give some understanding to what the true mechanisms of that relationship are in the dynamics that you feel are, you know, holding you back so that you can free yourself from that and free them from feeling that they might be being held back. So just some fun discovery. In questions, and on our next episode, we're going to talk about a listener request about people that are haters. And like, you know, you try you try, and if people just don't like you, no matter what, um, we've got some ideas on that topic. And boy, I have certainly experienced my share of them. So I know you have to BB so that'll be a fun one to dive in.

Barb  25:30  
Yeah, I'm super excited about that, when that's that one of those, like, everybody's not gonna like you and always approve of what you do and, and be able to be okay with that, because the world is a big place with lots of different opinions. And so yeah, it's always a good reminder that how we, how we move through the world and keep ourselves at ease, no matter what other people are doing. That's really kind of the core of that. And

Cali  25:53  
there'll be a couple of little new discoveries in there as well about how to really look at how that's impacting you, and then how to work with that and how to transform that. So we're gonna have some fun with that topic. And we also want to thank you all for liking and subscribing. Those of you in the social channels, this is where this content is coming from these listener requests, feel free to add to you can even DM us with questions or clarifications, we'd love the conversation. And also, if you've had a chance to subscribe, or leave a review in whatever podcast platform you're using, that's fantastic. If you haven't, please do those reviews help. And as always, take what works, leave what doesn't and use this as an opportunity to change some of the conversations around you with people you know, talk about these topics, share them with people, we're here to change the conversation in the level of connecting that we're doing with people is getting so boring with all of these. This is how then world's not working conversations and feeling so disempowered. You know that media and everything else is giving to us. So these are ways you can kind of start to have different conversations with people and connect with people and hear their perspectives and share and learn together. So until next time, be well