Self-Worth

An episode worthy of itself this week Clarity Fam. In this poignant and personal episode, we get really deep on the subject of our self-worth and how if we don't recalibrate our self-worth compass away from seeking external validation, then we will never feel 100% whole.

Acknowledging it's a lifelong practice to master feeling worthy…that goes for all of us. This episode is here to share that there are ways to turn inward and recognize where we might be holding onto beliefs that cause us to question our worth.

It’s a game-changer when we can finally say, “I am enough here and now,” and that is exactly why we encourage you to join us on this journey and reset your mindset towards self-validation and recognizing that you are completely whole… just as you are.

Transcript

Cali  0:02  
Finding our own self worth compass starts with figuring out, where is it navigating towards is the external, internal or both. And then starting to re align that compass towards internal self worth and validation. Welcome back to another episode of clarity cafe. I'm Callie and here with my favorite clarity sister Barb. And today we are going to be diving into finding our own self worth compass. I know some of us might not even know we have a self worth compass, in fact, until about five minutes ago, wouldn't have called it that. But as Barb and I were prepping for this conversation with our clarity family thought, hey, let's call it a compass. So we can figure out if we gave the power to someone else to determine our self worth or something else. Or if it's internally, we're dialed in and figuring out where we're on in that. And if we want to change a few things,

Barb  1:07  
yeah, part of this is just becoming aware in the beginning of like, who are we surrendering our self worth evaluation to? Are we giving it to other people? Are we giving it to social media? Are we giving it to comments we've heard or impressions or things from our childhood. And once we kind of figure that out, we can reorient ourselves right with the compass so that we're on our true magnetic north of owning our own self worth, because that's what it's about knowing internally, being able to check in internally, and find that center of self worth, and loving.

Cali  1:41  
Yeah, turning that self worth inward rather than looking for it outward. And boy, our society is so good at telling us that our self worth is determined by things external to us, like how people see us what we're wearing, or what house we have, or what cars we drive, or what education level we've had, or I don't know. I mean, it is just a long list of even our hair, cut our hair, this thing that grows off of our head, does not determine our self worth as a being. And now clarity, fam, don't get it wrong, you know that I love my hair cuts. And I love the colors. And I love a really good do. So I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, I'm just saying we're not going to necessarily let that be my external compass for whether or not you know, I've got self worth as a being

Barb  2:36  
Yeah, just on a daily basis, you know, how you feel, how you feel about yourself, you know, we all have that, oh, I'm having a bad hair day or whatever. And that's actually a good thing to observe, like, Oh, my hair is different today. But it doesn't have anything to do with who I am as a person. Right. And so if I'm gonna go put a scarf on or put a hat on, or, you know, do it upsweep, growing my hair out enough to be able to do that. Just cool, then. So rather than have it sort of start to set the tone, and let something throw us off our balance of feeling good and feeling that we're feeling our true self of, you know, being a worthy being in the world with lots of gifts to give, being able to hold on to that while we're hearing some things that might invalidate us. And they might be things we heard when we were a kid, right? If you weren't the most gifted person athletically, that was me, because I didn't grow up with brothers that taught me how to throw a ball. So I always felt really self conscious about throwing a ball. And I know I hated it when it was time to go outside and do that with my little buddies in kindergarten and early grade school because I didn't feel worthy of the kids who were more talented, and skilled and trained in that particular skill. I look back on that. And I think wow, that was I was so hard on myself. And while I have a lot of amazing childhood memories, if I just knew how to kind of go, oh, but I'm still cool. And look, I'm out here playing, it doesn't really matter whether I'm the best person to throw the ball or catch the ball. The point is to play the game, and to feel good about it. So, you know, many years later, I like to celebrate that every day, I'm contributing in the best way that I can and that makes me worthy and enough using that own self compass versus comparing it to other people. So I often tell my employees, if you always compare yourself to other people in terms of how fast they progressed in their jobs, or how much money they make, you're never going to be happy because there's always going to be people making more money than you. But you don't know what's going on in their own internal conversation. Oh, you can own the only place to stand in power is in your internal conversation of self worth.

Cali  4:44  
Hmm. Yes, a lot of wisdom there. And for many of us, this may be the first time we're even having that conversation. So if we kind of think about you know, Barb has a really helpful story to elaborate what an internal versus external conversation could be, we also want to acknowledge that we may have our own internal conversation that we're not even aware of. So there's sort of that, like those voices in our head that may be talking. But sometimes it's just a feeling and not necessarily kind of verbally communicated in our heads. So for those of you who are listening, and go, Whoa, internal self worth conversation, just take a moment to reflect on what is your internal self worth kind of Compass comprised of? Is it that there's, you know, a lot of internal ways that you're self validating. And then maybe there's some external ways that if you don't get validated at work, or in your friendships, or by being really good, or the best at something, do, you fall a little short of feeling like you've got self worth. And so I just encourage you to just take a moment and see where you're at. And I think, at different stages in our lives, that internal compass can change. And some of you may have it really well dialed in. And some of you may be finding that you have to kind of search around for where that compass is, and the different topics and situations where you're, you're trying to get external validation, and then maybe begin to say, Ah, so, you mean, I can take control of this and actually bring my compass inward? Focus on self? Yeah, you can. And we're going to explore that, as we continue our little sip of clarity on self worth.

Barb  6:48  
Sometimes I think, what happens when we are looking for validation from external sources is that we're trying to feel some kind of void. In what is that that we're trying to do? Where's that feeling of not being enough coming from? Right? If you feel 100%, filled up with goodness, about yourself and your relationships and your life? Then you feel 100%? Total? And totally okay. And sometimes we don't feel that way. And it can be, you know, a trigger can set us off a comparison with other people. How do we look compared to other people? How are how is our, you know, house, as you were mentioning, or, you know, from the big things down to the little tiny things, that feeling of being able to just stand in the present moment and stand in who we are and feel like we're enough? I think that's a lifelong practice, because all of us might have these little voids. I guess the first question is, what is that? What is that missing that we're sensing? And where did that come from?

Cali  7:49  
Well, you know, Barb, when I hear you ask that question, it reminds me that, you know, growing up one of my family members, a parent figure just, well, my father was just, I could never his attention was on so many things that I could never really feel like I was enough or that I was doing enough. And so without getting into too many details, because that's a whole podcast in its own, or 10, or like seven seasons. You know, as a kid, I was seeking approval, I was seeking wanting to be enough. And he was a pretty had a lot of mental health issues. So he was always seeking externally for his own validation. And that meant that anything that was in his sphere, including his kids, were never going to be enough. And so you know, that perspective comes to me as an adult, like, Oh, little kid, little baby, Callie,

Unknown Speaker  8:45  
you are not going to be able to fulfill that, you know, you weren't gonna be able to fulfill that ever.

Cali  8:51  
Because that was about him and his own mental health and him trying to battle his own demons, if you will. So, but as a child, you don't have that perspective. And so it becomes like this habit. Well, Will this be enough to get his attention? Will this be enough to have him be proud of me, and I'll admit, you know, when my early dating relationships, some of my relationships, I can have recreated a theme of trying to get approval or trying to be seen as good enough or cool enough or edgy enough, or whatever it was to, you know, fulfill that fundamental void of not feeling like I was enough for my father. So, you know, I think we all have different voids that we fill, but I wanted to just be really open and honest and share with our clarity fam. Like you said, you can spend a lifetime healing that and I definitely have come to the other side of that. And I don't look externally anymore for that self worth validation was a long road. And it started with just recognizing that I was trying to fill a void that was unfillable because it had to come from the outside the way I had it in my head and the Truth is, I didn't heal, until I started to take that compass, say, Oh, I will never be fulfilled by looking to others to fulfill me, I have to fulfill myself and understand that I am enough. And I am enough to feel that full self worth and to practice internally validating rather than externally. Yeah,

Barb  10:29  
that's the crux of the matter. And that's an awesome summary. And I think it's one that probably all of us can identify with. Because when we're in that vulnerable situation of being children, we are dependent on external forces, right? For we're dependent on our parents, or whoever our caregivers are to take care of us, right. So there's a survival piece to that of trying to get approval and those early patterns of seeking approval, if we don't get those, if we are, in a situation, as you were describing where the person who's in a position of power over you, is seeking their own validation, then we never feel like we can actually get there. And so that's a great identification of the void. One of the questions that's super helpful to ask is when you have that feeling of not being enough, how old were you when that first started? Can you remember the first time that happened. And oftentimes, it's very, very early, even even pre memory. And so if you can just, this is those exercises, going back and communicating with your inner child with little Callie and little BB and saying, You are enough, you're awesome. And everything is cool. But it's an evolutionary process of as we grow up, and start to be able to understand those things, and what a gift to give ourselves. And then also be able to give other people, you know, the other side of a feeling like you're enough and of not looking for external validation, to feel that is that when you're in that space, you're able to create and hold that space for other people who may be in a situation where they're feeling judged, where they're feeling, not enough, but just by being in your field, and in that space of acceptance, and allow other people to be able have that too. And then it makes it easier for all of us to stay in that space of feeling enough. I think that's one of the reasons why I love so much, you know, every minute and every second that I spend with you, Kelly, whether it's in person, or whether it's virtually on a zoom or on a FaceTime or on a podcast is that I always feel that you bring that. And I can therefore it's a lot easier for me to stay in that space. So there's a righteous circle of feeling comfortable that we have when we're not being affected by external judgments. And sometimes it might even need a little chitchat, you know, hey, you know what's weird? Like that guy said that over there. I know, it wasn't even directed at me, but it made me feel a little ear off, and then just make a joke about it and be able to go Yeah, that's funny that that was that little trigger. Let's clear that out. Just put that outside of the bubble and ground it, you know, have all the little tools and, you know, chill mindset meditations and different kinds of breathing exercises, taking a walk, all those things can help us to get out of that cycle of self judgment based on external forces.

Cali  13:33  
Wow, thanks, Barb. There's like so many pieces of wisdom I want to go back to but first, I just want to thank you for acknowledging, holding that space that we are enough. And we're all good right here right now. And I kind of want to go back for some of us that might be having questions about well, what when is it like, healthy level of, you know, looking at others for some validation, or for some recognition versus not healthy. And I just want to address that piece. When we're trying to figure out what's healthy for us, it can be a challenge. So the first thing is, is you get to decide what is like trying to fill that void that will never be fulfilled, seeking self worth, you know, versus looking for wanting to be respected or wanting to be acknowledged or wanting to make someone proud of you. So let me just say, you know, cuz to parents, I had, I've had multiple parents, my parents were divorced early, so multiple parents, but let me just talk about the two primary parents there. You know, I can honestly say at this point, I don't care what my father thinks about my level of success or any of those things that really plagued me in the past. I'm neutral about it now. I'm not. I'm neutral, right? When I say I don't care, I mean that with neutrality. I don't mean that, like,

Unknown Speaker  15:07  
I don't care what he thinks. It's not that it's just like, Yeah,

Cali  15:11  
I actually don't care. So like, zero, you know what that being said, there's a difference between that and like my mom who I have a really good relationship with. And I do care what she thinks, I care what she thinks because of several reasons. One, my mom has the longest standing relationship with me and my life, right? So she's got a perspective. And, you know, there may be times when I was like a teenager and young adult and trying to grow up and be like, I don't feel like you're seeing me for who I am. Now, it's different than last week, I want you to see that, you know, her and her wisdom, may or may not have seen that change or whatever, you know, that's sort of a different thing to now where, you know, we have this more mature relationship and I do want to make her proud I want to make her proud because I respect her opinions. Right? So surrounding myself with people that have healthy opinions are important to me my significant other you know, Barb, course I want to make all of you who I love and respect and him and healthy relationships, proud or share in the stuff so much proud is not quite the right word. Because little ego in there. But if I do something really cool or good, I want to be like, Yeah, I want to share that with you, all of you. That means something to me. And I want to calibrate right when I'm in a healthy boundary or situation. Relationship, I want to calibrate like, Oh, hey, Barb, this happened as high fell, what do you think about that, and then get that perspective, because that's a healthy relationship. That's a person Barb is a person that I respect her opinion of me and so not of Me of, I do respect her opinion me, but I also respect her opinion of things in life and where I am in that, right. So if I'm trying to calibrate, where I've landed, I go to people who I have a healthy relationship with, so I can trust the feedback that I'm getting. Right? So that's where I don't care anymore. Really, what my father might think he's not my life at all. But if if he were, I don't really care what he would think, because I don't respect his opinion of me, because unfortunately, he is a man that will never be fulfilled. So why would I go to him to ask for calibration? On a healthy or not healthy kind of exchange I've had with someone else, right. So I know, there's a lot to unpack there. But I just wanted to give a little bit of context, for those of you who are trying to sort out in your head, where you might be landing, and maybe there are relationships that you really would benefit from their perspective on. And there are relationships where it is a dead end road, or the same thing every time you go to them to get their perspective. And so those are the ones we probably don't want to continue a habit of trying to fulfill the self worth conversations,

Barb  18:09  
yes, it's so valuable to notice if this is just a habit, or if we really are and where the feedback is coming from. Right. So then the nuance of this is, is that all information has value and being able to sort out the ones that have value to this given situation if the time right. So for people that, as you were discussing, that you trust and want their opinions, I see people's opinions all the time, everywhere from you know, I was going to my wonderful nephew's wedding last weekend, and I you know, consulted with a couple of people about what I should wear of which earrings I should wear, and what should be the best way to present the president and, you know, valuable things, that I trusted them and a trusted source of information. And therefore I was comfortable accepting it. And those are little trivial sort of details. But if you think about it in terms of opinions about what you should do, whether you should take this job, or whether you should go to school over here, all those sort of big life decisions. Everybody wants to give you advice about them, because everybody's got their own opinion, really being able to sort through the ones that are valuable and not take in just all the information, particularly at like a social media level where there's a lot of emphasis on how many followers you have, or how many likes you have, and all those sorts of things, and people changing their behavior to get to that. But instead, being able to say, Oh, true to myself, This is what I feel in my heart. And this is where I'm going to get that feedback and where I'm going to listen to it. Whereas the habit of listening to sort of all feedback is takes us back into when we're younger and we don't necessarily have all those tools of discrimination And when we're in that younger part of our life, so one of the great gifts of getting older and really learning to curate our relationships, which we've talked a lot about, and which is I think, part of this conversation is, is who do we really value and what opinions do we really value and that might be a writer that you've read for a long time. And you know, you get good information there that helps you make decisions or, you know, a famous person, but most likely, it's the people in your life that may be your teachers and your family and your friends that you have curated, to be the people that help you with your campus setting, and ultimately comes back to you and your own feelings of self worth. And one way to kind of figure out who those people are, because there's a lot of voices in our heads and a lot of voices in our environments is how do you feel when you're having those conversations? Do you feel like it's positive towards you? Or do you feel like, oh, there might be a different agenda here. And this person is trying to reinforce their ego, at my expense, because I think that was a little bit of what you were talking about earlier. When you're young, and you're trying to please your parents, most of the time, they're trying to do the best thing for you. But sometimes, you know, it's about them, too, because everybody's got egos and are trying to make their way in the world. And so it's a fairly advanced conversation, but part of it is what does it feel? What do you feel like in your gut? How does it feel in that conversation?

Cali  21:32  
Such a good point, Barb, because when what it brings up for me, as I think about, you know, my father's reaction was like, to something that I would do in an accomplishment would be like, Oh, well, he wouldn't say this, per se. But it was like the perspective of well, how many people saw that and how many people know how great you are for what you've done. And like, so then wasn't just that I did this accomplishment, it was like, how well publicized or that people get it. Whereas my mom, her feedback was like, came from a place of was like, how healthy Was I happy? Did it make my life better in some way. And if it led me to happy, healthy, or one of those, you know, kind of life improvement things, then she was all on board. So I, I think that that, you know, can be a real simple gauge, for some of us trying to figure out if there are people that maybe we want to stop having those kinds of conversations with, because it just doesn't necessarily lead to where we want. One of our listeners had a special request. And the request was for us to chat about how do you deal with like hatred from people who are choosing to dislike you no matter what you do? And wow, is that a big topic? Probably its own podcast. But I want to acknowledge it here because there is a piece about and it's obviously there's a very specific nuance with our clarity fam member who asked this question. So we obviously can't speak to that nuance. But what we can speak to is the fact that is there a reason to continue to be exposed to those people, like if it's on social and the people are just kind of constantly negative or whatever, we have the full permission to just unfriend them unfollow block, like, we don't actually have to even invite them to our party. I remember a cousin of mine years ago, was really fretting over a birthday party that she was going to have and how she didn't want to invite certain family members because they weren't gonna be very nice. And I said, this is your party, you know, you can invite or an invite whoever you want it those people get mad, they're gonna be mad and not nice. Anyway. So, you know, to use the same kind of conversation here is like that social, you know, restructure social, if it's at work, then is that a job that you can really be happy and healthy at for the long haul. Because if people are just throwing hate at you, and there's no way to kind of clean that up there, then perhaps it's time to change jobs, because really, all of that is more about them than it is about you. And so shifting perspective, shifting the compass to recognizing that like, if it's true hate or I don't know if that was just the word put on the request. But that is not something that you're going to change. So then or deal with, you don't actually have to deal with it. Unless of course it's family. So I just want to say that it's okay to put up boundaries with people if they're blood or marriage related or whatever. This life is our party. And we can invite and uninvite anyone we want at any time. So, sharing that with you clarity, fam. That's why we do this. We want to give you permission and personal autonomy to To make this life the best for you that it can be. And that may mean that if people show up to family events, and they are not kind, or they're just make it awful, or they're just toxic, they don't get a hall pass to get invited, again, you get to make that decision, and are people's feathers gonna get ruffled? Sure, but guess what, those people, their feathers are ruffled all the time anyway. So might as well make

Unknown Speaker  25:25  
it for a cause that you benefit from

Barb  25:28  
100%, it's super useful to always remember that you are the, you are the master of your own fate in that way. The other twist on this, this is that in a family situation, you might not have control over who gets invited, but you definitely have control over whether you attend or not.

So there's always there's always an option. And, you know, as you were talking about in a work environment, you know, if it's toxic in that way, you know, it may be time to consider moving on. And there also may be a nuanced situation where you love, you know, 85% of what's going on. But there's, you know, this one situation that is occurring to you in a really negative way, and you're continuing to get negative feedback, it's a very advanced practice to be able to stay neutral to that and just walk away from it, and not have it affect your day. So I invite you to think about, imagine what that would be like, if in a situation where something is, you know, a negative energy directed towards you, you know, no matter what you do, you can't please everybody. And I remember, I'm one of those kinds of people, pleaser, personalities. And I remember kind of vividly, and it was in my first professional job, realizing that not everybody was gonna like me as a friend. And that that was okay. Because that didn't have anything to do with me, I was still doing my best. And if that person chose to be negative, that was their choice. And I didn't have to play in that. So that's a boundary setting conversation, in terms of what you let into your bubble in terms of value, and whether you let that affect your sense of personal value. And that's a big, another big topic, probably a whole nother podcast. But, but I just wanted to point that out that even within within a given environment, you have the right and the power to be able to curate what you allow to come in and affect you. And that's a practice of being able to kind of walk away from that, and just be neutral in the conversation, not take that in like okay, that was not good information for me. Because I can tell is coming not from a place that wants the highest good for all of us.

Cali  27:50  
Absolutely. And so let's just do a little recap of what we've covered today. So finding our own self worth compass starts with figuring out where is it navigating towards is it external, internal or both. And then starting to re align that compass towards internal self worth and validation. And so we turn our self worth inward, rather than looking for it outward. And recognize that we are 100% completely whole. As we are, we are enough right here and right now. So there's no void that needs to be filled, when we reset our mindset towards self validation and recognizing that we are whole. And for those of us that may have some bigger baggage or some things that you know, make us feel like we have a big void for free, you can go and get the limitless healing app. And it's on iOS and Android. And in those three current meditations, there will be more in our next release. There is a meditation visualization, a healing visualization called I am enough and it's something where you want to Oh give yourself an hour or so find a comfy place to be sit or lay down maybe you know, like create some candles or you know, I love electric candles because I don't have to watch them. Electric candles are some nice lighting and just get really comfy and warm and then just sit down and take a listen to the I am enough journey and it will just walk you through mindset and visualization of really filling that void and kind of clearing that out. So that's not a place we operate from but we really deeply feeling like we are enough. And we're whole. So encourage you to use that free tool and enjoy, huh?

Barb  30:11  
Yes, I can't echo and repeat that enough, the I am enough. Meditation is a wonderful one. And I myself love doing it. And I encourage you to check it out. You know, just give give that to yourself because you are enough and you deserve it. So this has, I think, been a super good podcast, I look forward to hearing comments on it and tips that ways that our listeners and fam figure out how to get through those moments and come out on top and keep that compass focused on the fact that we are all enough in our own space. And on the next podcast, we're going to talk about a great topic that will help us be strong in situations where maybe we're facing some challenges, and that's about navigating the healthcare system, and how we become our own advocates. And that's a good exercise and actually reinforcing that we are enough and that we need to be heard and make our case. So stay tuned for that one in the next podcast and we'll look forward to that. And in the meantime, we love all your comments and likes and shares and reviews and please help us spread the word and send us topics that you'd like us to address in future podcasts because we find those super useful as you heard in today's podcast. And as always take what works for you. Leave the rest and be well. You are enough