Unreasonable expectations! We all got 'em. Sometimes we expect too much of ourselves, sometimes we place all those expectations on others, sometimes our expectations create limiting beliefs and sometimes we get caught up doing a little of all of them!
Whatever “expectation” jam you are in, don’t worry Clarity Fam, because in this week's episode we are going to take a little sip and savor how to best manage our expectations based on the reality of the situation.
So let's dig in and begin this exploration of expectations – our own expectations, what to do with them, and how to sort and manage them. And let’s not also forget how to manage and handle other people's expectations of us too!
At the end of this episode, we are defo gonna walk away with some clarity on expectations, which in turn will hopefully take a lil’ pressure off, because let’s be honest here…. expectations can cause a lot of undue stress.
Oh and this topic is a special listener request! So shout out for requesting it, thank you very much.
Unreasonable expectations! We all got 'em. Sometimes we expect too much of ourselves, sometimes we place all those expectations on others, sometimes our expectations create limiting beliefs and sometimes we get caught up doing a little of all of them!
Whatever “expectation” jam you are in, don’t worry Clarity Fam, because in this week's episode we are going to take a little sip and savor how to best manage our expectations based on the reality of the situation.
So let's dig in and begin this exploration of expectations – our own expectations, what to do with them, and how to sort and manage them. And let’s not also forget how to manage and handle other people's expectations of us too!
At the end of this episode, we are defo gonna walk away with some clarity on expectations, which in turn will hopefully take a lil’ pressure off, because let’s be honest here…. expectations can cause a lot of undue stress.
Oh and this topic is a special listener request! So shout out for requesting it, thank you very much.
Barb 0:02
it's this constant two way street, our expectations of ourselves that oftentimes will translate into expectations of other people, which may or may not be realistic.
Cali 0:12
If we're unreasonable with our expectations with ourselves, we're likely unreasonable with our expectations of others, and it leads to a lot of disappointment. Welcome to clarity cafe. I'm Callie and I'm here with my clarity sister Barb. Today we're going to talk about how to manage expectations versus reality. And this is a listener request. So shout out for requesting it, thank you very much. And we're gonna dive into this topic. We're gonna explore expectations, both our own expectations, and what to do with them, and how to kind of sort through and manage them. And then also other people's expectations and sort of how to manage and handle and navigate that. So at the end of this episode, we're going to have some clarity on taking the pressure off, because really, expectations can cause a lot of stress. So let's dive in. First things first, think about your overall life goals. Now, let's not get carried away here and think too big or too strong on this one. But just like basic stuff, like I don't know, I want to be healthy, I want to want to enjoy my days, I want to be happy, I want to have a fulfilled friendship, or social life or family life, whatever, those are just super simple. Think about those goals. And just put those in the back of your mind as we navigate this conversation, because when we think about expectations, and as we explore these together, we want to be able to reflect on whether or not expectations that we hold for ourselves or that others or others are holding for us actually line up with our overall goals. So let's talk about expectations. Where do they come from? Barb, help us walk through a little, you know, thought process around. All these things come
Barb 2:24
from where do these expectations that we have of ourselves and other people come from? It's such a great question when you start looking at it, because I think we just take those things for granted. Most of the time, a lot of the time, we're just we're carrying them around a little bit like baggage, right. And some of them are easy to carry around. Some of them have wheels, you know, some are small and large, like we've talked about before about leaving your baggage? Well, I think we can think about expectations that way, we might not even be aware of where they're coming from. And some of those expectations might have been set really early in our lives. Right. And some of them might be really positive, right? That, you know, even when someone just says, yeah, have a good day, like Did your mom and your dad, you know, as they were leaving for work, or wherever they were going to do during the day? Did they have positive expectations about their lives and and about your life? And how did you pick up those early patterns, at some of that times those expectations are things we can push against and aspire to. And some of that times those expectations might not be as positive. And as we kind of move through looking at what our expectations are, we might want to figure out oh, how old was I when I first started having that expectation of how things were gonna go. And I was having a wonderful conversation with a dear friend recently about some things that had happened as a young child to her and based on how her family had been that there were some limiting expectations set on her in terms of what she would be able to achieve. And we were discussing how wonderful it was that she had really exceeded those expectations, and was of great service to other people and to her family and to the world. And then we kind of got to the conversation about self care and putting herself first and taking care of herself so that she could help take care of other people. And recognizing that that was a valid expectation for her to have and as we you know, set with that conversation a little bit. We've figured out that there was a very early programming that that she was still acting unconsciously out of that was keeping her from being able to do that and to take the best care of herself that she could so you know, I said to her I I think we might have come on something good here and how about as a expectation going forward, I'm going to help hold you accountable for living into your full set. Self care and the full best way that you can be, but no pressure. So there's a lot to unpack and I think I got about 50 boys in there. This is a big topic. So I had a high expectation for how this podcast was?
Cali 5:17
Well, I think it's a big topic, right? And we're SIP size clarity here. So
Unknown Speaker 5:22
we're not, you know, gallons of conversation, but, but when we do just take a quick
Cali 5:31
swipe there. One way to categorize these things in our minds is to think okay, so I have these expectations, now, which ones are mine of myself, of those, which ones came from, to your point of your friend, story, you know, in the background, in our childhood and young adulthood, we may have picked up other expectations and interpreted them into and created them as our own, but they're truly not our own. So understanding, first thing is like, are the expectations I have of myself, reasonable. Each one of us, for example, has a health picture of our lives, like how much energy we wake up in a day, for some of us, it fluctuates. For some of us, you know, we're morning, people were night, people were somewhere in between people. And we may not have all the energy at certain points in the day. So if you're a morning person, expectations that you're going to work a 12 hour day and still be productive at you know, Midnight may not be reasonable. Or if you're a night person, you know, thinking that you're gonna be super productive, those first couple of hours may or may not be reasonable. But then where did I get that message that I shouldn't be productive in the morning, if I'm a night person? Well, that's society that might have been a family member that believed that early birds get the worm, you know, there's a lot of conversation around that. So this is just an example of how we began to unpack our expectations, and then recognize what's reasonable and what's not reasonable. And that can be interesting when we are navigating expectations of other people and what we expect of them. So this is a big, big topic, it could be an entire season, but let's just simplify by saying, Hey, I have expectations of myself, and I'm going to inventory those and I'm going to kind of sketch out, are these mine, you know, maybe take a piece of paper, make three columns. First column is, what are expectations I hold myself to like on a daily basis or on a life basis? And then did I create those? Or did they come from somewhere else? And are they serving me? So do they need to be modified or removed, that would be your third column. So understanding what the kind of background is of that and inventorying it and getting realistic with our expectations with ourselves, can allow us to begin to look at where we're holding our expectations of other people. There's a lot of conversation out there. But there's one that says, Is it really fair for me to have expectations with other people? Now, boundaries, that's a different conversation. But if we're unreasonable with our expectations with ourselves, we're likely unreasonable with our expectations of others, and it leads to a lot of disappointment. So you can see how going through this process of inventorying, and assessing and kind of sitting with and then revising our own personal expectations can impact how we have expectations for others, or even if we should, and then also, how do we relate to expectations that people have of us. And if we're reasonable with our expectations with ourselves, then when people start to put expectations upon us, we might be a little bit more clear, have a little more clarity on how we navigate that space?
Barb 9:21
Yeah, so we've talked about sort of that it's this constant two way street, our expectations of ourselves that oftentimes will translate into expectations of other people, which may or may not be realistic, both of those and expectations then that other people have on about us, that we then interpret as realistic or not realistic or kind or not kind etc. Because I think part of being a human is that we want to have empathy and understanding of other people and the fastest way we feel like we can get there is is this is how I feel. I wonder if this person feels the same way And as we get into a more nuanced version of this feeling, oftentimes an expectation has a feeling with it, right? It has a feeling of, oh, there's going to be happiness. If this happens if someone shows up at my door with an unexpected bouquet of flowers, or if you know someone has a really good attitude during the day and helps me out with something. And then vice versa, those things can affect our mood, if we don't have a positive outcome of an expectation. So I think one of the first things that's valuable to do, as you were saying, if you take a self inventory, but also just be really present in a conversation about what your expectation is, sometimes I found myself really busy. And I think, okay, this person could do that this person is really good at this, then it's all going to come together. And I kind of have an idea of how there's going to be a great outcome. And that's a great way to manifest by the way, and I super encourage positive goals and manifestations, obviously, that's how we all kind of get to our best version of ourselves at any given point in time, but also allowing for, it's unlikely, if there are five things that have to happen for everything to go perfectly for that to actually work out that way. And that's okay. And it's likely to that, that there still be a great outcome, and it won't fit the expectation of how it was gonna go at all. And being open and present to the things that kind of change and that there's value there. Because it's like, oh, I always thought everything kind of had to go perfect for me to be able to get an A in my class or in my day, and you know, what things can go sideways, and I can still end the day. And in that interaction with an A, in my mind with a with a positive high grade of how everything went, which is a very righteous cycle of than setting realistic expectations for next time, because I just dealt with the realities that happened, the messiness of life. And I still have ended up with a positive version of that. So part of my practice on expectations is recognizing that they are a manifestation idea, and that they're going to change and there still can be a great outcome.
Cali 12:18
I love that. And first of all, I am getting a living example of going with the flow. My expectation is that we are going to do this podcast. Also, I had an expectation that because it was 80 degrees and sunny yesterday that today would be a fine day, weather wise would not impact anything to do with podcasting. However, as Barb was talking, and I'm gonna apologize if y'all can hear it in the background. But while I'm sitting here, listening to BB, all of a sudden hail starts coming down. We
Unknown Speaker 12:51
went from 80 degrees yesterday to hailing today, and it's really, really loud.
Barb 12:55
I love that because that means we're all the weather people have our own lives. And we think we look at that weather app that we know what's going to happen.
Cali 13:05
But I love that because what a better adventure when I don't have such rigid expectations of my environment, that I can't just say to everybody, Hey, y'all, sorry, if it's hailing. My apologies. For the noise, let's keep rolling. And then we're gonna have something to talk about. And adventures are far more fun when we don't restrict them with expectations. So like vacations, and I love to adventure. I mean, I have a degree in recreation, truly a degree in recreation. And so I love
Barb 13:46
it's one of the 1000s of things I love about you, Kelly, as you got a degree in recreation,
Cali 13:52
therapeutic recreation, other words, that's it. And partially comes with, you know, having that ADHD brain but I can really be in the present moment of whatever happens and roll with that and not miss an opportunity for a really cool thing to happen because I'm restricted with my expectation. So Barb, I love what you said about outcome. My expectation is that I go on an adventure and the outcome is that I had a good adventure. Well, that may mean that my adventure plans change because an opportunity came up to go hike up a mountain or go see a waterfall I didn't know about till I got there or just sit there and chit chat with one of the local artists and learn their life story and have a fine time just learning someone else's story. That may not have been what I planned for the day, but because I wasn't suffocating my life with my expectations, or in this case, my adventure with expectations. I get a better outcome, which is a far more enjoyable experience and a great story to tell
Barb 15:03
100% those those surprises and changes and kind of the flexibility to have a structure and then add an expectation and then be able to flow within that to just be in the present moment. So powerful
Cali 15:18
barbed wire question for you here. What would you say? I'm playing with words here. So we've got expectations, right, like, and there's expectations that are reasonable. And perhaps there's another word and help me if you've got one, and there's expectations that are unreasonable, reasonable and unreasonable. Now unreasonable, we can call those expectations that are we're going to, you know, not follow necessarily, but the ones that are reasonable. Like, for example, what would you call it, when, as friends, when something's come up for me, I know that you will be there for me when you can. And if I call and you're not available, or whatever, I don't have an unrealistic expectation that you're going to drop everything, but I know that when you have a moment to be present, you will be so what is that thing? Is that an expectation? Or is that a knowingness? Or is that a it's not a boundary? It's not a responsibility. But what is that? Because I can hear listeners kind of, okay, well, if I have no expectations of anyone, how do I know what to expect from people, which is kind of a funny?
Barb 16:29
But you know, yeah, yeah. That way, I won't be disappointed. But yeah, and I think some people actually do intentionally not have expectations to avoid hurt and disappointment, which is a another point on that. But it you know, expectation is an interesting word, because it's kind of loaded, that there's a judgment and a value to it. Whereas I think in the situation that you're talking about there, where you have a knowingness that no matter what, I'm always gonna be there for you. And I have the same knowingness of you. That, to me feels like, you know, much more grounded, and super safe and comfortable. And as I'm having this conversation with you, right now, I'm thinking, what if, what if a lot of our expectations got grounded in that feeling of safety, that there could be some variability, maybe on Tada, maybe my phone's dead and or I'm on an airplane or something. So I can't get back to you right away. But I will always get back to you, as fast as I can. That gives me this flexibility to move within that, within that expectation, and it feels more safe and grounded. And maybe we need to make up a new word for that's
Cali 17:39
great. The word that came up as you were talking as agreements. So like, yeah, and in a great way, like, we agree to be present for each other. I don't think we've ever said it like that, until this very moment. Hey, y'all. Clarity, fam.
Unknown Speaker 17:57
Three, to be there for you too.
Cali 17:59
That's why we've created this online community is out of the friendship that Barbara and I have, and, and all of our clarity, family are all part of that friendship now. And so that's an agreement. Our agreement is to be open and affirming. And our agreement is to be exploring the nature of humanity and how to be human and present with each other. I guess that's a little different than an expectation, right?
Barb 18:29
Yes. And I love that. So a couple things, I have to keep this straight in my head. So I could get this out, as you were saying that I was just seeing this beautiful scroll and rolling with beautiful calligraphy, the agreements, you know, like running gold, you know, and all that light coming off of it. So I just tend to share that visual. And the other thing is that I think the distinction of these agreements, and that feeling of safety and being able to be present and flexible, is expectations that are unrealistic. And that may even be a misinterpretation, of something that's happened to us or that we interpret another person has. So I know sometimes I'm harder on myself, because I make up an expectation that other people have of me. Whereas actually, I'm putting all that pressure on myself. They're just happy if I show up. You know, most of the time, people are happy if you just show up and be present, do your blasey
Cali 19:24
agreement. Right. So part of the agreement is to make the agreement is to show up. Yeah, what we do when we get together. That's a different thing. So I don't have to plan all that out. You know, I can say, Oh, hey, let's play in VR, right, Barb? But we may end up we may end up singing on karaoke, and we don't really care, whatever the fun is the fun, but our agreement is to show up and be present spend time together. And I we don't have to have expectations that it has to be a particular way.
Barb 19:55
Taking a nice deep grounding, relaxing, taking the pressure off Out of breath with that idea. And so yeah, boy clarity fam, let's all just like be present to those people in our lives and and to ourselves when we give ourselves that gift. And let's find, let's do more of that. Yeah, let's let's order let's order a case of that.
Cali 20:18
Can we get on subscribe? And save?
Barb 20:21
Yeah, that's autoship 100%.
Cali 20:27
It's really, I think, the crux of all of it. And I would say we'd get into managing other people's expectations of us. And I think a lot of times expectations actually go unsaid.
Barb 20:39
Hmm, those are the hardest hardest ones to deal with. Because you're making it up, you're
Cali 20:43
making it up, you're responding to an intuitive or a telepathic conversation or a perceived telepathic conversation. Like you said, you perceive that somebody expects to XY and Z have you. So therefore you're reacting to making sure you deliver XY and Z when it may not necessarily even be what they were thinking at all. And I think in work, you know, agreements still hold true when I test that word out. Because, you know, I agree to show up, I agree to do these functions. I've agreed to these dates. I disagree. I agree to these deliverables. But I think when we get into certain types of expectations, and I know we're kind of playing with vocabulary here, but then the heart of it is when someone has to get into expecting exactly how we do those deliverables. There's a word for that. And it's called micromanaging. And it's not fun.
Barb 21:48
It's painful. And and, by the way, micromanaging, always sets up a bunch of expectations that are unrealistic, because how I do something well is not how someone else does something, well, there can still be a great outcome. But did you ever have a job particularly like had earlier in your career where somebody was just constantly looking over your shoulder? And, and you felt kind of stifled, that's the way people feel when you impose expectations, I think that's the way I feel if I think if I interpret that this expectation is I'm going to do it exactly this way. Like cooking a meal, I can never cook a meal the same way twice. And I'm always happy that it's gonna come out great. And every once in a while, I'll get busy talking or having fun, and then something gets burned. And that's cool, too, because there's always something else to eat. I mean, I really can't remember a time in my life, when I was so hard on myself, if something didn't go well that I really wish I could give that gift to everyone that just they not to have that judgment and those expectations, because it's so much better to live in a body and be comfortable with whatever happens,
Cali 22:57
less stress, less stress. So all right, let's break this down. So first step is to say, okay, what are the outcomes? I'm looking for? Good work product, delivery of something, or an adventure or an experience? What are the outcomes? And then looking at the expectations and saying, are the expectations that I'm running? Reasonable? Are they going to deliver that outcome? Did they come from me? Did they come from my past? Did they come from someone else? Or am I suffocating a relationship by all the expectations I'm putting on someone else. So really kind of looking at the arrows in which directions those may be coming from and then taking a step back and recognizing all the pressure and stress that that causes and then just pop in that balloon, and allowing you to say, my expectation is that I want to spend time with this person, or that I want to deliver this great project for work. And rather than suffocate myself or others in expectations, I'm just going to look at the agreements that are surrounding it. And I'm going to operate out of those agreements, which allow me to still have self care. Allow me to care for others and be present with others, and deliver or experience the outcomes that we're looking for. So there it is clarity, fam. Thank you to the listener who created this request. It was such a fun topic. And for those of you engaging on our social or on Instagram, Facebook, tick tock, just find us right, go to our website, clarity cafe podcast.com. We love the likes, we love the follows We love the DMS and the comments and keep them coming.
Barb 24:52
Oh, and by the way, check out the merch.
Cali 24:54
Ah, the merch That's right. Thank you for that.
Barb 24:59
Oh, Have having some fun with it. Oh, we've
Cali 25:02
launched the store it is up, it is launched. There are positive messages clarity reminders of you got phone covers and T shirts and tote bags and all the fun stuff to just keep your brain in a fun, happy, self loving, loving humanity space. So go check out the merch and love to see pics of whatever you get. It's been so fun to create all that colorful artwork and thank you for the reminder, Barb,
Barb 25:34
I'm not excited about it.
Cali 25:36
I mean, not at all. We might be rockin some T shirts over here, but we will be rockin some T shirts. It's a jacket. Salvo covers. I know it does. All right. Yeah, well, so you know the deals. Take what works from this podcast, leave what doesn't and if something is working for you, share it with others start a conversation. There's so much negativity floating around in this world today. This is your opportunity to lean in and start to change what we talk about. Share new things with your friends. And if you learn something new, Hey, bring it back. Share it. We love to have that type of conversation that is evolving us all. And until next time, be well