The Compatibility of Kindness

Is it my imagination or is there a general sense in the law that if we're kind, to ourselves or anyone else, we'll be perceived as weak? Or not just perceived, but that we'll actually be weak?

In terms of how we treat ourselves, I hear it from my students in the form of, "I had to be hard on myself to get as far as I have." I hear it from my colleagues, too - the supposed power of anger turned inwards.

And I'm all too familiar with it personally, but I'm not longer convinced it's such a good idea.

I guess I'm wondering what would happen if we re-envisioned the way we relate to ourselves: less task-mastering, and a whole lot more kindness. Does just reading that seem Pollyannaish Or does it come as a relief, even if you're not quite willing to say?

Transcript

Hi everyone, it’s Judi Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 349. Here we are at the last chapter of the treasure of the Dhammapada, Chapter 26. The name of the chapter is, The Brahmin. 

A brahmin refers to someone who is born into the priestly caste. Putting aside the obvious, and obviously important, conversation about caste, my understanding is that Brahmins, still to this day in India, perform the duties of priests and live a relatively ascetic life, although this is not necessarily strictly adhered to.

Chapter 26 is almost a summary, and maybe an aspirational landing place, after all of the work instructed by the first 25 chapters of the Dhammapada. As such, it’s actually specifically not referring to someone who is born a brahmin. In fact one of the early verses of this fairly long chapter says, not by matted hair, not by clan, not by birth does one become a brahmin. The one in whom there is truth and dharma (or wisdom) is the one who is pure, is a brahmin. So the chapter is pointing to someone who has attained brahmin-hood if you will, by cultivating the traits of a brahmin.

To me this feels optimistic, not because we’re aspiring to matted hair and asceticism, but because it’s possible to acquire the traits – basically the wisdom and compassion - not to “become” a brahmin, but to live in the world like one. Which makes the teachings of mindfulness feel accessible and useful in the world and specifically in the law, where we need them so much right now.

Most of the rest of the verses of Chapter 26 are recitations of those traits: someone who does no ill through body, speech, and mind and is restrained in these three areas; someone who endures abuse, assault, and imprisonment without animosity…and who has forbearance as one’s strength, as one’s mighty army; someone who speaks what is true, informative, and not harsh…who gives offense to no one; who takes nothing not given; someone without anger or craving; who knows, right here, the end of suffering. After each of these verses, there is the following refrain: [this person] I call a brahmin. 

I have to admit, attainment to all of these traits seem wonderful but also very aspirational to me. But maybe full attainment doesn’t have to be the goal. Maybe the goal is more modest: a kind of iteration between the commitment we make to our practice and to being the wisest and kindest person – lawyer! – we can be, and self-compassion when we fall short and need to reorient ourselves, or restart the process altogether. 

Maybe this is the most reasonable path, for those of us who are living and working in an adversary system, which is itself located squarely inside a white, patriarchal, racialized system. I’ve had moments of considering giving up everything and going to a practice center for a very extended period of time, in the hopes of cultivating greater wisdom, more durable compassion. I’ve had many more moments of putting one foot in front of the other and doing my best, noticing when I’m falling short, trying not to be too hard on myself (but unfortunately many times, remembering that after I’ve first silently chastised myself), and then getting back on the path.

To say there is a lot to keep in mind, given that we’ve just spent 26 weeks – half a year – going through the Dhammapada (and I’ve picked and chosen, too – we haven’t gone through every verse of every chapter), is a huge understatement. There is a lot to keep in mind. But in another way of thinking about it, there’s just one thing to keep in mind: kindness. 

Kindness is considered a soft skill in our profession if it even makes it into the “skills” category at all. We don’t teach in law school, or not much anyway. I’m not sure we’d find it in the training manuals for the top 100 law firms or even the most dedicated public interest organizations. Or in DA or PD training, or even in the courtrooms where our young lawyers are clerking. 

And even if we did find it, my guess is that it would refer to others. Which is important, definitely. But I think it’s even more important to learn to be kind to ourselves. Because unless we can do that – or really, until we can do that – we can’t really be kind to anyone else. We just don’t have a blueprint. We don’t know how.

But kindness, in the way it supports the development of the qualities of a brahmin, and the qualities of a great lawyer, isn’t about giving ourselves a bye. I think of it as kind of the opposite. I think of it more as looking life – our own very personal experience of our life – squarely in the eye, paying attention moment to moment – mindfully – to the qualities of heart and mind that are our default modes, remembering our aspirations in case they’re not our default modes, and doing that without judgment, defensiveness, denial, or anything else that might get in the way of our curiosity, and our willingness to see, and to change. 

Here is my anger, and now that I see it, I can be kind to myself, remembering that everyone has anger, and with this attitude, let go and watch it move through, making room for kindness towards others. 

Here is my selfishness and now that I see it, I can be kind to myself around it, remembering that everyone is selfish at times, and with that attitude, let go and watch selfishness make room for generosity, which is another incarnation of kindness. 

Here is my frustration, my exasperation, my fear, my loneliness. And here is kindness towards all of them and the recollection that they are not in fact “mine” but are simply arising, as they do for everyone, because of the causes and conditions of our lives, of the law, of the systems we live inside of, the paroxysms our planet is going through.

I feel so happy to have taken this half year to study the traits of a brahmin, up close, with you all, committing and recommitting to turn towards, to see, to not judge, to be kind to ourselves, to remember nothing is ours, and to build on that, in our relationships with everyone, even the most difficult people. The texts say mindfulness is “onward leading”: that we notice the power of kindness and its excellent consequences, and that “noticing” is the inspiration to continue the lifelong process of kindly abandoning all that is unwholesome, and slowly, steadily, and kindly cultivating all that is wholesome. 

What a beautiful, collective, endeavor. Let’s sit.