Patience Means Giving the Victory to Others

Patience is great, in principle, but what happens when things are fast & furious (literally)? Mindfulness helps. When I’m paying attention and not judging myself, I remember to watch for anger, frustration, rage. I remember to turn towards them and get interested, While keeping my fingers off of the keys. Sometimes, I even remember I don’t need to win every point.

I have no idea what would happen if I could do all of that every time I got mad, even a little. Something good, though, I’m sure. What about you - what would happen for you?

Transcript

Wake Up Call #370: Patience Means Giving the Victory to Others

Hi everyone, it’s Judi Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 370. 

We’ve been looking at k’shanti paramita, the perfection of patience, or tolerance. So far we’ve looked at developing the patience or tolerance to deal with what it means to be human: illness, growing older, losing people, losing our own lives. We’ve also started to look at anger as the main problem patience and tolerance address: how anger comes like a flash of lightening, due to whatever causes and conditions come together in the moment; isn’t the fault of the person who’s angry; and is remedied by patience, tolerance. 

The next question is, how? How can patience remedy anger? And in conflict situations, like the law? The good news is, at least we have plenty of opportunities to practice! Which is the first answer to the question of how patience and tolerance remedy anger: with practice.

We can start by observing anger in the moment, in a conflict-based situation, like when we’re about to lose our temper or someone loses their temper with us. In that case we initially call upon patience to help us to be non-reactive. We simply keep our own counsel. Then, once we’ve brought a measure of calm and introspection to the moment, we work with patience to explore how anger feels in the body and mind. 

The trouble is, when we’re in the middle of conflict and we’re a conflict professional, if we haven’t already embedded mindfulness, we may get caught up or swept away. 

Probably a better place to start practicing with patience and anger is in our formal meditation practice. After all, formal practice is a safe space as well as a kind of laboratory. (A) we’re cultivating a habit of paying attention. (B) we’re infusing that habit with nonjudgmental awareness, so even though anger isn’t something we’re proud of, we’re less likely to deny or try to justify it. (C), we’re in the habit of paying attention nonjudgmentally so we’re more likely to catch anger before we’ve reacted: before the words are out of our mouth or we’ve banged out a reply and hit send.

Then when anger happens in the day-to-day skirmishes and nuclear moments of practicing law, which it will (and by the way, our goal isn’t to not get angry, because that’s not realistic – even the Dalai Lama reports that he occasionally still has anger), not only can we be non-reactive create a moment of calm. We can also turn towards anger, without any aversion, and say, “Hey. What can I learn from you today?” As the great Thai forest teacher Ajahn Chah said, we want to “catch emotions in the net of mindfulness, and then examine them...”

If we don’t learn this and we lose our patience, we say or do something we regret. We hurt someone. Pain and sorrow ripple out and may very well reverberate in our bodies and also boomerang right back to us. So many terrible things can happen when we lose our patience and say or do things in anger. Shantideva said that any virtuous actions we have created over thousands of eons can be destroyed in one moment of anger.

If practice is the “how” of relating to anger with patience, of stopping the action and being more thoughtful and connected in our responses, then the question remains, what about situations in which anger is justified? Examining anger in the “net of mindfulness,” and as lawyers and law professors training lawyers, who cannot be fearful or cowardly; who often cannot back down; most of the time we won’t choose anger but sometimes we might, even though we are committed to non-violence.

In his book, Ethics for a New Millennium, The Dalai Lama says patience and tolerance, “should not be confused with mere passivity. On the contrary, adopting even vigorous countermeasures may be compatible with tolerance. There are times in everyone’s life when harsh words – or even physical intervention – maybe be called for. But since it safeguards our inner composure, tolerance means we are in a stronger position to judge an appropriately non-violent response than if we are overwhelmed by negative thoughts and emotions. From this, we see that [patience and tolerance are] the very opposite of cowardice.” 

This speaks to me, but there’s another, even more radical thought. Norman Fischer suggests that we can relate to patience in conflict by remembering the Tibetan teaching: “Give the victory to others.” 

When I read that I thought, for lawyers, that seems like a terrible idea. To say nothing of completely unethical. But, Norman says, patience in conflict is partly about noticing what you can live without. When I’m in conflict, it’s almost always either because I’m not getting my way, not getting what I want, or not getting what I want for someone else. When I take a closer look, there are things I can give up. Many times in negotiations I asked for more than I knew my client wanted or needed, just to see if I could get it and be a hero. Or I wanted to win points for the same reason, or just to come out on top. Maybe you can relate? And in a personal conflict, somany times I don’t actually need to win. So this is huge: give victory to others…when we can. I feel like this is patience at its most noble. I love it as an idea, a practice, something aspirational. Give victory to others.

Patience in conflict can be milder, too, less high-stakes. It might look as simple as slowing down and really listening – engaging in mindful listening. Listening to understand rather than to find the holes in someone’s argument in order to drive a spear through. Maybe when we listen to understand, we realize we’re not as far apart as we’d thought, or don’t need as much as we thought, or that there’s not much of a conflict after all. At the very least we understand better, or from a different perspective. 

Patience, tolerance in conflict: for me, the practice is a continual set of questions. Am I tightening up? Am I holding my breath? Clenching my fists? Chewing my nails? Unable (or unwilling) to pay attention? Floating off into the past or future or a fantasy, to avoid where I’m at? Unable to see clearly, think clearly, move through my day clearly? Move through my day at all? Let’s practice with some of this right now. 

…

Let’s sit. Call to mind someone with whom you’re angry. It could be about something that happened just today, a long-standing dispute, or anything in between. It could be that you’re angry with them, and vice versa. It could be injustice you see in the world. What does it feel like? How does your body feel? What’s happening in the mind?

[Play the John Lennon Imagine video at the end of the Paramitas – whenever that is! (It’s bookmarked under Music.)]

Patience is great, in principle,

but what happens when things are fast & furious (literally)?

Mindfulness helps.

When I’m paying attention and not judging myself,

I remember to watch for anger, frustration, rage.

I remember to turn towards them and get interested,

While keeping my fingers off of the keys.

Sometimes, I even remember I don’t need to win every point.

I have no idea what would happen if I could do all of that

every time I got mad, even a little.

Something good, though, I’m sure. 

What about you - what would happen for you?