To Tame or To Blame - That's Today's Question

This mind! Left unattended, mine does such strange things. When I've done something well, I'm self-congratulatory. When I haven't, disapproval and self-blame are right there. Is there a way to tame the mind so it's less reactive? A way to be "unmoved" by praise or blame? Is that even the goal? That's what today's Wake Up Call is all about. Enjoy.

Transcript

Hi everyone, it’s Judi Cohen and this is Wake Up Call #314, on August 19th. 

 Here are our Dhammapada verses for today:

 Irrigators guide water; fletchers shape arrows; carpenters fashion wood; sages tame themselves. 

As a solid mass of rock is not moved by the wind, so a sage is unmoved by praise or blame. 

This is still Chapter 6. So what is the idea behind taming the mind, the idea of being unmoved by praise or blame?

The mind: so unruly. Even after many years of practice, I notice how unruly my mind can be. I do realize there’s a difference between being caught in the unruliness and noticing the unruliness, so that’s important. But this verse seems to take things to the next level. It’s saying a sage tames their mind, and the example, or maybe proof, of a tamed mind is a mind unmoved by praise or blame.

My mind is more often than not moved by praise or blame. Take blame. If I’m blamed for something, my hackles get up. I feel blamed, and then I get mad at the person blaming me. Or if I blame myself, I get mad at myself for blaming myself (and for whatever I did wrong). 

This is my mind reacting to blame with ill will, one of the three poisons of the mind. If someone else is blaming me, it takes various forms:  how dare you, if you only knew, you’re not being fair. If I’m blaming myself, it’s directed inwards: how could you, what were you thinking, now you’ve done it. 

Ill will, and the other two poisons, greed and delusion, are the three big bucket categories of unwholesome states of mind that arise over and over, completely naturally, because we’re human. AND, they’re the states we’re weeding out by our practice. The way it seems to work is that more we notice these states, meaning the more awareness we bring to them moment to moment, as and when they arise, and also as and when they subside, without running with whatever stories spin out from these moments of ill will (or greed, or delusion) – or another way of saying that is, the more we’re the non-judgmental observer of our own minds – the more we’re “purifying” our minds. 

For example, the other day the thought arose, I should have behaved differently in a situation regarding my little brother. This was about something that happened a long time ago – thirty years ago, in fact. But it’s still in there. As my teacher James Baraz often says, poke my arm right here and I’m five years old. So something poked me – I didn’t even notice getting poked, it happened so fast – and I was 30 years old, and he was in Toronto and needed me, and it took me two weeks to get there. And I blamed myself all over again. And the stories then arose, again: I should have gone sooner. The concerns that stopped me from jumping on a flight were dumb. I wasn’t a good sister. Ill will towards myself…for something that happened a lifetime ago, and which my brother, by the way, has long forgiven me for. 

But if I’d been paying attention more closely, I could have avoided the second arrow. I might not have been able to avoid the self-blame. But when the self-blame arose, I had a choice about how to relate to it. I could choose to be mad at myself all over again and go right into the story (I should have gotten there sooner, I’m not a good sister). But to me that feels like the opposite of being a solid mass of rock…not moved by the wind, or by praise or blame.

Or – again, when blame happened – in the moment it arose – I could have been unmoved by blame, using two mindfulness tools: Hiri and Ottopa; and RAIN.

Hiri and Ottopa are Pali words, and I like them in the same way that I sometimes like res ipsa more than, “the thing speaks for itself.” Hiri is that feeling – only really accessible when we slow down – that something is “off.” We stop, take a breath, observe, and when we do that there’s a flat note somewhere in the chest, or the belly is tight, or the neck is seized. Something is off.  

Ottopa riffs off of Hiri and invites in conscience, which takes that “off” feeling and invites a clear look at what we’re about to say or do. It, too, at least in my experience, is only available when we’re moving slowly. When we are, we’re giving ourselves is the opportunity to choose. Should I say what I was about to say? Should I do what I was about to do? Should I let self-blame run wild into the old story, I should have gotten there sooner, I’m not a good sister? Should I get mad at the person who blamed me – how dare they, they just don’t understand

One interim step I like is to RAIN the blame and its companion, ill will. R: recognize blame and ill will for what they are; A: accept – yeah, blame is here and ill will just followed; I: investigate -  hm, this all feels tight in my throat, stuck in my throat; and N: I’m N, not alone, everyone gets blamed, everyone has self-blame, and ill will often follows; and also, N: not identify – blame just happened, self-blame just happened, and then right away I got mad at the person who blamed me, or mad at myself, and it’s not a big deal. It’s not that I’m a mean person, and angry person, a person without good judgment.

After that I can relax. I can see the trickiness of the mind wanting to take a moment of blame, or self-blame, and lash out, or lash in. And I can decline to do that. I can just be with the blame for a moment. Sages tame themselves. As a solid mass of rock is not moved by the wind, so a sage is unmoved by praise or blame. 

So, praise, too: it’s the same. Someone quoted me from last week’s Wake Up Call, on Instagram no less. Wow, sounded so pithy! I actually hadn’t remembered saying it but I had this moment of first, self-deprication – that’s definitely a habit of mine, but then, “ooooh, I said that. That was pretty cool. Maybe I should start collecting the pithy things I have to say. I’m really getting good at this!”

“Moved by praise.” Instead of remembering this is just this human, practicing, integrating, sharing back, moment to moment, best I can, just like everyone here, just like everyone period, sometimes praise-worthy, sometimes blame-worthy. What a relief to be unmoved.   

So, see what’s true for you in all this. Are you moved by praise or blame? How does it feel when you are? If it feels good, you might not be motivated to tame your mind to be unmoved. If it feels not good, maybe you are motived to tame your mind to be unmoved. And also, as you explore, remember, we’re not trying to “get better.” We’re just noticing, moment-to-moment, and then course-correcting. Taking a breath, seeing what’s here, and when things feel off, course-correcting but still not getting anywhere, and then repeat – our whole lives, moment to moment to moment. An endless ocean. A small boat. 

Let’s sit.