Signaling Safety with Mindful Communication

Signaling that we’re mindful, whether we’re speaking, writing, posting, or messaging, is simple.

There’s no lying, denying, or blame. There’s no harm done. We’re remembering that what we say and do, matters. We’re not gossiping, just sharing what’s needed.
And everything we say is kind.

It’s simple, but maybe not easy.  If it were, I feel like more of us would be mindful,
whether we’re talking to friends or planning a campaign. 

It’s not easy, but it seems to me like a better standard of care, and a better Signal to the world, than the one we have now.

Transcript

Hi everyone, it’s Judi Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 484. It’s nice to be with you.

Last Wake Up Call I was interested in “an appropriate response” because of Chief Justice Roberts’s comment that the president’s response to Judge Boasberg’s ruling…wasn’t an appropriate response. It wasn’t necessarily what Justice Roberts was pointing to although who knows, but I love that “an appropriate response” is an ancient Zen koan. Taking the two meanings together landed with that an appropriate response is one that’s kind and compassionate and as wise as possible; that doesn’t cause any harm; and that keeps in mind that we’re all in this world together, and that there are rules and procedures that make us a more fair, equitable society.

Events moving at the speed of light as they seem to do these days, there were several moments this past week when I felt like I had the opportunity to decide whether something was an appropriate response, or not. Paul Hastings comes to mind. And the Signal text. Actually I’d love to have been a fly on the wall of the Chief Justice’s breakfast room when he opened the paper each morning this week. 

All of which got me thinking about mindful communication, which maybe isn’t different from an appropriate response although it’s maybe a little broader. And also about why mindful communication feels so important right now.

Mindful communication, which is more classically called mindful (or “right”) “speech,” is one of the steps of the Eightfold Path, the path to liberation. “Speech,” probably because in the time of the Buddha, society was agrarian and largely pre-literate. But I like “communication” because we speak, but we also write, email, post, and use messaging apps. 

Mindful communication is speaking, writing, posting, and messaging, words that are true, helpful, interconnected, necessary, and kind - the acronym I like is “THINK.” The elements are from the classical texts and they’re aspirational, like all of mindfulness. When I look at them, they seem like the building blocks of an appropriate response. 

To unpack them briefly, truth – oddly, the one I get the most pushback on from lawyers – is simple. In the courtroom or conference room or classroom, say what’s true. Say when we know the answer and when we don’t. Say when we’re sure we’re right, when we aren’t sure, and when we know we’re wrong. Say when we can’t say more. We often can’t tell the whole truth because we can’t disclose client confidences, but I feel like we can say only true things, in pretty much every situation.

True, and then helpful – there’s no reason we can’t always be helpful, is there? If we’re not being helpful, are we even doing our job? 

True, helpful, and then interconnected, which isn’t theoretical but something in the bones: knowing there’s not one move I make that doesn’t impact everyone. That we are powerful beyond measure. Not in the sense that we can bend the world to our will, but power that’s even more profound than that, but also comes with responsibility: the power of our words and actions. Interconnection is something in the bones: knowing, with total certainty, that everything we say and do matters. Not some things, but everything. Power, and the responsibility that comes with it, because what it means is, we don’t get away with anything.  

True, helpful, interconnected, and that’s why “necessary” and “kind” are important. Necessary, because idle chatter can be harmful if it’s in the nature of gossip or for the purpose of distraction, and kind because: the world. Look what happens when humans are unkind. When leaders are unkind, or even just careless.  So true, helpful, interconnected, necessary, and kind, or THINK. Maybe it’s THINK before we speak, write, post, or message (Pete). 

The other half of mindful communication is of course listening. Here are three elements I like: curious, attentive, and patient. Curious because otherwise I’m “tolerating” the conversation, and (a) I feel like that’ll feel terrible to the speaker, and (b) I’m probably not learning anything and maybe not even hearing anything. Attentive because, being mindful person is all about paying attention, right? And patient because it feels like the difference between slowing down and genuinely being with someone who’s talking or who’s written something to me, and telling myself (or them – even worse), “yeah, yeah, get to the point.” Curious, attentive, and patient, or CAP. 

To me, THINKING CAP feels a lot like portable metta or lovingkindness or what Pema Chodron calls “unconditional friendliness,” because metta is, at least partly, about being truthful, helpful, kind, curious, attentive, and patient, from a jumping off point of remembering we’re all in this together and everything we say and do matters. Which points to the why. Why put on our THINKING CAPS when we’re speaking, writing, posting, or messaging? Or why practice this very portable form of metta?

For me it all comes down to one word: safety. I don’t know about you but I can just tell: when I’m keeping mindful communication in mind, when I have my THINKING CAP on, people seem to feel safer around me. There’s a palpable feeling of relaxation and ease, and that’s basically what I mean when I say we’re powerful beyond measure. I feel like when I make an affirmative decision to put on my THINKING CAP and be truthful, helpful, kind, curious, attentive, and patient, all from the perspective of knowing how much it matters, I have a kind of super-power. I can literally walk in the room and change the tone, from one that feels tense and fearful, to one that brings ease and wellbeing. Do you know what I mean?

And I guess the last thing on this is that I feel like in each moment we have that choice – the choice to walk in the room or post something or message someone mindfully – being truthful, kind, curious, and acknowledging that that matters – and the choice to not do that. And that actually in each moment we make that choice, whether we’re conscious of it or not. So in the end, as always, it’s a training or as Pema says (some of you know, it’s my favorite line of all time): are we going to practice peace, or are we going to war?