The Relief of Not Being in Charge

I sometimes think the world would run more smoothly if I were in charge. Or let’s face it: I often think that. Do you? 

The problem, or one problem (because there are many), with this kind of thinking is, first I have to believe I know what’s best for others. I don’t mean when that’s my job. I mean when it’s my colleague or partner or kid.

The next problem is, when I think I know what’s best, I’m judging, or pitying, the other person for not knowing…especially when they don’t follow my thinking. Which makes it hard for me to approach them with positive regard: I know what’s best, they’re not paying attention, they’d deserve my positive regard if only they were.

So one thing I’m trying to do more is, not be in charge. What a relief. It’s so relaxing. It feels good to remember that, all evidence to the contrary, everyone is just doing their best. And it feels great to take the long view, the view of not knowing, and just be with what is. 

Transcript

Hi everyone, it’s Judi Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 498. Last time I talked about cultivating positive regard for difficult people: not discriminating among humans or any beings in terms of who deserves positive regard, or metta, and who doesn’t. Which is all about cultivating an attitude of kindness, no matter who or what we’re faced with. 

I don’t want to make it seem like this is easy – or it’s not easy for me, anyway. If it’s easy for you, that’s wonderful. But for me, I spent a long time avoiding metta practice altogether, partly because I didn’t understand its importance and partly because it was too hard. One teacher at the metta retreat I sat last month said that for years on long retreats she skipped the metta instructions that happen every afternoon. Which made me feel better because that was me, too. 

So if it’s not easy for you, either, to cultivate a heart that faces towards the world and whoever or whatever is in it with an attitude of kindness or positive regard, I’ll just share, and say a little about, one thing that’s helped me, which is to remember I’m not in charge…of anything, really. 

Saying that to a lawyer – so, me, saying it to myself – is kind of a joke, because in a way our whole job is to be in charge. And often we’re in charge of really big things, like protecting people’s lives or livelihoods or liberty or family dynamics or wishes for what happens after they die, or ability to work or to stay in the US: many things. 

But in another way, we know a lot about not being in charge. One friend told a story at the Mindfulness in Law Society Conference about someone she’d been working with for years, on a winnable immigration case, which is rare, and the week before the final hearing, the person stole a car, got picked up, and that was the end of the case. My friend had warned and warned and warned her client about being careful and not getting into any trouble, but in the end, she couldn’t control what they did.

So we know about not being in charge in those situations, where a client does something against our advice. We can’t control for our clients’ decisions, and the consequences can be terrible. 

But even in situations like that, I can also get judgy. I know what’s best for them, or think I do, and then what can come up when I’m trying to include in my metta practice people who don’t take my advice, is something conditional, like, “I would have positive regard for you [or I could], if only you’d do what I think is right, or just,” or if only you’d done what I told you to do or not done what I warned you about. And then this attitude seeps into my thinking – because it’s an inclination of the mind, right – in relation to friends, family, colleagues, strangers, politicians…everyone. 

It's one way that metta practice, the practice of positive regard, can get conditional because we either think we’re in charge, or we think we should be, and in either case we believe that someone else would be having a better life if we were, or that the world would be a better place if we were – in charge, that is. 

Our minds are trained to do this, though: we’re trained to know best for our clients, and we are in charge of their cases and matters. That’s usually a good thing, in my experience, but then how do we let go of trying be in charge of everyone else? And maybe even more consequentially, how do we stop conditioning our positive regard on others doing what we think is best? 

Which is hard for a bunch of reasons, one of which is that I pretty much still believe there are times when it’s true: when me being in charge might very well turn out better. But the metta practice of positive regard is about saying, “I wish you well,” not, “I wish you would follow my advice because then you’d be well.”  

So if we can’t entirely let go of thinking we should be in charge, how do we at least let go of being conditional in our well-wishes – conditional in the sense of wishing others well if only they’ll follow our advice?

One of the teachers on the retreat said, start by practicing with a rock. 

Weirdest instruction ever, but it’s also kind of great. Because look, turn towards your favorite rock right now, if you have a rock around. Maybe you have a paperweight, or you can see a rock out the window. Or there might be a rock on your finger – not sure about practicing with that one. If you’re old enough, maybe you still have a Pet Rock somewhere. 

Whichever rock you’re turning towards right now, it’s obvious, isn’t it, that whatever that rock is composed of, whatever its history, whenever it crumbles to dust, is not about you. The rock is just a thing, on its own journey.

And so are all the humans. Our best friend is not a rock, but they’re definitely on their own journey, no matter how much we wish they’d listen to us. Our beloved people – children, lovers, parents, more generations, best friends: on their journeys. Even our politicians, or especially our politicians: on their own journey, impacting others including us, and in some cases causing harm, but still, still, still, on their own journey.

Remembering that, knowing it in my bones? I find that to be super helpful. It helps me to realize I’m not in charge, which is a huge relief. And even when I forget that, it’s at least a little easier for me to see others for who and what they are and still relate to them with positive regard: not as humans who would do better if only they’d listen to me, but simply heirs to their own karma, acting that out, day in & day out. It helps me to keep my heart open, too, and soft, and malleable, not brittle or broken. This is metta, positive regard, infused with/supported by equanimity: this knowing, in our bones, that all beings are on their own journey. And what a relief that they are, and that we’re not in charge. 

Let’s sit, and let’s practice with equanimity, practice the classic equanimity meditation, the Five Remembrances.