The Cause of Suffering Right Now

What causes suffering? An ancient question with an ancient answer, and surprisingly, it’s not the hard things in life. It’s the way we think about them.

It’s not the ridiculous amount of work on my plate or the unfair judge that causes suffering. It’s not the impossible partner or the associate who’s always late. It’s not even the scary diagnosis, or the fact that we’ll all get a scary diagnosis some day. 

It’s the way we push back, internally, against it all – or the way I do, anyway. The way the mind relates to difficulty as if it shouldn’t be happening. Or the way, when something is good, I want more, or I want the other good thing, or I want them both.

It's all that wanting, that desire; the exhaustion, at least for me, of wanting things to be different than they are. Not in the systemic or political sense – to me, it’s good to want change in that sense – but in the moment. In the moment – in this breath – when, really, I know: right now, things can only be just as they are. 

Transcript

Hi everyone, it’s Judi Cohen and this is Wake Up Call #503. We’ve been looking at the Four Noble Truths, this foundational teaching of mindfulness. Last week I talked about the First Noble Truth, the truth of dukkha or suffering. Which is the truth that this being human includes difficulty and hard times: we’re all riding in the wagon of life, and the wheels aren’t perfectly round, they’re not true. So it’s a bumpy ride. 

The Second Noble Truth, is the truth of what causes suffering. And for me, it’s easy to get tripped up, because since there’s inherent suffering in life, it seems like human life itself must be the cause of suffering.

So it’s maybe easier to work with a set of words we’re familiar with in the law, pain and suffering. If we do that, we could say that the First Noble Truth is that there’s pain in life, and the Second Noble Truth is that suffering happens when we think or act as if pain shouldn’t be part of life; when we not only desire good things but grasp hold of them even when we know they’re transient and can’t provide lasting happiness. Or when we not only want to do a little better each day at whatever we can, but grasp or hold onto a sense of needing to become better at, or a different from, even though we know we’re already doing our best. Or when we not only want change, but grasp or hold onto ideas, of how other people should act or of how the world should be or where the world must be going. So let’s take those in reverse order.

But before going into those forms of suffering, one thing: all of this is different from wanting, and working hard for, change. We may all wish that the world was more just, more fair, more equitable. Everyone wants to get well when they’re sick or to earn money to support themselves or their family. But these wishes, these desires, are born of wholesome intentions – to make the larger world, and our own personal worlds, better. And therefore they don’t cause suffering.  And I’d say the same for the work of the law: if I have a desire to help people who are accused or to keep people safe or to help someone realize a business goal that doesn’t cause anyone harm, those forms of desire won’t lead to suffering, either. 

And this is heart of the Second Noble Truth, the truth of the cause of suffering: that unwholesome desire causes suffering, not wanting and working towards wholesome things. Meaning, here in the cart, where we’re all just bumping along, I may have wholesome desires: the desire to help those who are in peril, to do my part to address climate collapse and to preserve democracy, to be as equanimous as possible in a tumultuous world. But if want the moment to already be different than it is, or the people I come across to think differently than they do, or if I get frustrated or impatient or angry because I want things or people to be a certain way and they’re just not, right now, that kind of desire is a recipe for suffering. I would call this the first kind of desire: the desire for the world, and our lives, and our children’s lives, to be different than they are. 

And embedded in this desire is another unwholesome desire that leads to suffering: the desire for other people to see things the way I do. I had a friend call, so angry with their partner. It turns out they and their partner have opposite views on things like vaccines and executive power. And the partner is not willing to make space any views other than their own and instead is saying, mine is not a view, it’s the truth. 

Which looks to me like a reflection of society right now: we’re divided but it’s not only that. It’s that we’re divided and we’re holding so tightly to our own views that we believe them to be true, the one truth, and we’re dismissing other views and also the people who have them. And we’re not only dismissing them, we’re calling them false, and liars. And I’m not saying this from some lofty place – I’m 100% guilty of this, too, and the disdain and pity that go along with it. Grasping and clinging to our points of view, calling them truth and the opposites, false, not keeping our hearts open to all points of view: this is another big cause of suffering.

And it’s not just views of other people and events. It’s also our views of ourselves, and how fixed those can get. I want to know myself – and be seen – as a lawyer, a law professor, a teacher, a Jew, a Buddhist, a yogi, a woman, a partner, a mom, a progressive – so many things, and to not be “not seen” as those things because when that happens I feel diminished. And I also want to become better: more thoughtful, more mindful, more equanimous, wiser, in better shape, taller. One teacher called this wanting to upgrade our incarnation. Isn’t that perfect? So all of that kind of desire and grasping…also causes a lot of suffering. 

And then lastly, the suffering of what’s called “sense desire,” of wanting to be surrounded by or infused with pleasant sights, sounds, tastes, smells, sensations, and states of mind: the desire for ice cream after dinner, or for a drink, or for a new sweater or car. Or the desire to be happy. Any one of these might not be a big deal but when the desire for one (or all) of these things begins to hound us, as in the mind that wants ice cream every night, or the mind that can’t rest until I’ve scoured the internet for the very best electric car or swiped endlessly for the very best partner, that wanting mind, that persistently wanting mind, is another classical cause of dukkha.

In the mindfulness texts there are wonderful stories, each one used to illustrate a point. So I’ll share my current best story of desire that causes suffering. I was out on my stand up paddle board with my friend, Jen, on her board. And I had Oliver the Puppy in his little life vest, on my board. He was sniffing the air, dipping his muzzle into the lake for a drink, having a great time. But then Jen paddled closer and Ollie saw her or smelled her – I’m not sure which sense desire was at work for him – he began to whine incessantly, trying to hop onto Jen’s board. So we got close enough for him to hop over. But the minute he got to Jen’s board, he started crying to get back onto mine. And so it went, with Ollie crying, hopping off my board and onto Jen’s, and then back onto mine, crying the whole time for the board where he wasn’t. In each moment, he wanted something different, believing with all of his big puppy heart that if only he could get on that other board, then he’d be happy. (The only problem with this story is that there’s no great teacher saying to Ollie, “see how your desire is creating suffering?” And also that he can’t do that because he’s a dog.)