How to Let Go When the Ride is Bumpy

Good yontif you’re celebrating Yom Kippur. And to everyone, what is your day about today? What’s your intention for the day? And are you experiencing suffering?

Not, are you experiencing pain and sorrow? We are all experiencing that, if we’re paying attention, given the world. But are you experiencing the suffering that happens when we clench our fist or grasp for something to be other than it is, or rail at the world - are you experiencing that? If so, then letting go is the classical answer to the question of how to stop suffering on a personal level. But how do we let go when there’s so much at stake?  

If we mean letting go of caring, we can’t. And we never should. We should care, always, and act as well, in all the ways that we can. 

If we mean letting go of wishing the moment or friend or lover or leader or world, was different, we can. It can be hard, for me at least, because it means unclenching my fist, my jaw, my mind. I can come up with so many reasons why not to do that. 

But if I let go of those reasons, too, and open my hand anyway, and place it on my heart, and say to myself, this moment is like this, then I can do it. And then I can get to work. 

This moment is like this, I care, we all do. There is work to do, that is always, and we need to roll up our sleeves, now more than ever, and do it. And always as well, this moment is like this. 

Transcript

Hi everyone, it’s Judi Cohen and this is Wake Up Call #504. If you’re celebrating Yom Kippur today, I wish you the best with your contemplations, and hope you’re having an easy fast. It’s very sweet for me to be here on this day.

We’ve been looking at the Four Noble Truths, the foundational teaching of mindfulness. The First Noble Truth is the truth of dukkha or suffering, the truth that this being human includes difficulty and hard times: that the axle of the wagon isn’t true, which makes for a bumpy ride, which is a feature of being human. 

The Second Noble Truth is the truth of what causes suffering. Which is believing that the axle should be true, the road should be smooth, the bumpiness shouldn’t be happening. Believing that good things shouldn’t end, bad things shouldn’t happen, everyone should believe what we do, we and everyone we love should be exempt from old age, sickness, and death, and in general we should just be able to upgrade our incarnation, suffer happens. Believing those things, and then cling to those beliefs, and then act on them. When we do that, we walk around with terrible rope burn, on our hands, on our hearts. That’s the Second Noble Truth, the truth of the cause of suffering. 

The Third Noble Truth, is the truth of the end of suffering. Not on a systemic level – for that we need other mindfulness tools, other understandings. But the end of suffering on a personal level, yes. Although even though the Third Noble Truth isn’t directly about helping others, when we we realize the truth of the Third Noble Truth in our own direct experience, it does make us better friends, and lovers, and colleagues, and family members, and leaders. So in that way it does point in the direction of ending suffering on a systemic level. 

And it’s a simple thing really, but not easy. The instruction of the Third Noble Truth, the thing we need to realize, is that to stop suffering on a personal level, we just need to let go. 

So what does that mean? It basically means, pay attention moment to moment, no matter what’s happening, and be there for whatever is happening. Don’t wish anything away and also, don’t grab hold. Let life flow through. Notice, without reacting. Don’t add grasping and clinging to an already difficult moment. Don’t put a hat on a hat. 

Seems like a big aspiration but there are ways to practice in low-stakes situations, to get the hang of it. Here are a couple I work with.

Let’s say I’m stuck in traffic. That’s a good one since it’s so available. I definitely don’t want there to be traffic, but instead of getting caught up in that “don’t want” mind, I can investigate what it’s like to let go of wanting the traffic to clear, or of wanting to be somewhere else already. I can also investigate what it’s like to let go of the direct emotional components: frustration with the traffic, or impatience with the traffic. And for bonus points, I can investigate what it’s like to let go of the self-judgment that inevitably arises when I can’t let go of the rest. When I can remember to let go at any of those levels, the traffic is a thousand percent easier. The moment actually contains peace. 

Or let’s say I’m in a conflict. Also a good one because it’s available. And also, I don’t want to be in the conflict, or I don’t want to be in it right then, or so much, or with that person – any of those flavors of “not wanting.” So, if I remember to practice, I can let go of wanting the conflict to not be happening, or of wanting to be a more skillful conversation, or (maybe) of wanting things to go my way. Or of whatever clenching is happening – fists? Stomach? Throat? Or maybe I can let go into the conflict, and just be in it, see how it feels in my body to be in the conflict. If I do that, another thing I can let go of is assuming the experience for the person I’m in conflict with is any different from my own, which helps me to find compassion. All of that – any of that, really – feels different, and better, than trying to fight my way out of a box – which, by the way, is, for me, deeply embedded behavior, from being in the law, and also from my family of origin. When I can remember to let go at any of those levels, a few things are more likely to happen: better clarity. An apology (from me). Peace. And, often enough, getting most of what I need. 

What about when bad news happens? The bad news is hard enough. Not wanting the bad news makes it so much harder – not wanting the news is what causes the suffering. But what if it’s just not possible to let go of not wanting the bad news, or at least not right away? Can we let go of wishing we could let go? Can we let go of any judgment we might have over how well we’re dealing with a situation, and simply let “how we’re dealing” be how we’re dealing? If I can do any of that, I’m either left with, or at least closer to, the actual pain and sorrow of being human, right now, in this body, with this heart. Which is difficult enough without any of the other layers. How scared. How sad. How jostled I feel on this bumpy, bumpy, ride.  

So how to do any of this letting go? Mark Nunberg, in a talk at the Cambridge Insight Meditation Center, suggests that we don’t need to want to let go. We only need to watch for the moments of grasping, or clinging, or not wanting things to be what they are. Watch for those moments and when we see them, watch what happens. And, Mark says, when we see them, we’ll naturally let go. 

It's an interesting invitation, an interesting practice. A beautiful possibility. 

Because often, what I notice – when I notice – grasping, clinging, and then letting go – is that I’m not only letting go “of” something. I’m also letting go into something. Meaning, I might be in a difficult moment and wishing it were otherwise, but when I let go of wishing it were otherwise, I’m letting go into the peace of the moment, even when it’s a difficult one. 

And this feels like a beautiful thing: to try to remember, over and over, to let go no matter what’s happening. To let go of wanting things to slow down or speed up or be different. To let go of not wanting the moment to feel the way it does. To let go of everything, and be with whatever is happening: joy, anger, celebration, despair. And in doing that, to let go into peace, as a possibility, or a refuge, no matter how bumpy the ride. 

Let’s sit.