Practicing Respect for Everyone

There are so many subtle and not-subtle ways to disrespect other people. When I do it, I can feel the boomerang effect of disrespect. It creates a field. I feel like we’re seeing that play out in Minnesota, in Washington, in the world. It’s a terrible thing.

There’s only one way I know to be truly respectful: see everyone, including myself, as worthy of my patience, generosity, and love. Listen. Care. When I practice those qualities, I feel positive reverberations. And who knows how far out they flow?

And yes, there are people I want to leave out of that flow. I want to, but I feel like it would be better not to. I feel like it would be better to find a way to see them as worthy, too, all evidence to the contrary. Because what if no one has ever done that - seen them as worthy? What kind of pain are they carrying? And isn’t that what they’re sharing, and what we’re seeing play out? Which is also a terrible thing.

Honestly, I feel like we have some real power, still, as lawyers and judges and law students and law professors. The power to stand our ground, protect our democracy, stand up for the rule of law. So the question on my mind is, will we use that power? And the other question is, how?

Transcript

Hi everyone, it’s Judi Cohen and this is Wake Up Call #518. 

We’ve been meandering down the Noble Eightfold Path, but the world is meandering off the path. So let’s see what we can do here, together, to ground ourselves solidly on the path and maybe, support others in doing the same. 

We’ve been investigating the bucket called Sila, the three ethical steps. The first of those three is Wise Communication, and now we’re in the middle of the second one, which is Wise Action. 

Wise Action breaks down into doing no harm and not taking anything not freely offered, which we’ve looked at although I’m going to circle back to not taking anything not freely offered; don’t misuse sexuality, don’t communicate unskillfully, and don’t use substances to cloud the mind. 

Today I want to look at not misusing sexuality and I have some questions about what that means and how broadly we can imagine it. But first I want to share something from yesterday. I was in class exploring this list, and a group of students working with “don’t take what’s not freely offered” mentioned time. Which I hadn’t thought about but which is so interesting, because in the law, so much is about time. And while in some law jobs, time is money, it’s almost a universal code that we don’t talk about time. If someone asks us to do something, whether it’s a partner or supervisor or client or colleague, we do it. And to do that, we give up our time. And then we miss stuff: social stuff, family stuff, meals. Sleep. Personal time, if we have any, time for exercise, time to be outside, time to do nothing. Meditation time. 

So is that time “freely offered?” Or are others taking it? Or are we stealing our own time? All those nights working until 3am, was I freely offering that, or doing it because I knew the client would find a lawyer who would if I wouldn’t? The latter, 100%. And when we ask others to do work for us – junior lawyers, support staff, are we taking something that’s freely offered? Meaning, do they feel free to say no? Does over-“time” pay, compensate or make their time technically “freely offered?” OK, food for thought. 

So, not misusing sexuality: not misusing sexuality, when we frame it as an “in the law” question, might simply be about not bringing sexuality into spaces where we’re working, to protect others. We want to protect those less empowered, from being taken advantage of; those who don’t want attention, from being given it; those who are uncomfortable with sexuality in the workplace, from having to deal with it; and many other things. And the people involved are committed elsewhere, we want to protect the family and children.

But then, do we widen the lens? If we zoom out a little, maybe examine biases around sexuality and gender identity – ours, and those of our firm or organization or school. It’s a patriarchal profession (and world), after all. 

On a personal level, can we examine our hearts? What do we believe about our own competence and effectiveness as women, men, Queer, transgender, gender-neutral, nonbinary, two-spirit, and other identified people? What do we believe about the competency and effectiveness of our colleagues who identify differently from the way we do? What about those who identify the same way we do? 

On an interpersonal level, how do we treat one another, which is going to be informed, at least, if not based, on those beliefs? Are we causing harm with what we say or do, or with our gestures, or with our beliefs or attitudes? 

From a systems perspective, what sexuality- and gender-based policies and understandings do we vote for, support, and implement, or whom do we not speak up for, not stand beside and support, not work as hard as we can to create change for? 

And here’s the wider lens: how does this affect the ways we treat others in general? If we’re in the habit of being biased – and from what I know about implicit bias, we all are, whether it’s based on sexuality or gender identity, or race, or religion, or politics – and maybe politics is something we even feel we should be explicitly biased about right now, which is something to pause and consider – how is all of this bias, which is really just hate, right?, affecting our hearts, our interactions, and the systems we live and work in?

That’s the rhetorical question, of course, but actually we know how it’s affecting things. Renee Good. Alex Peretti. The whole Minneapolis area. Ilhan Omar. And that’s just right now, these past few weeks. 

And so what do we do? We can start by looking for, and at, our own biases, so we can heal them. We can take one or more of the Harvard Implicit Bias tests – they’re online and free and in my experience, very revealing – to see what might be going on, so we can develop the capacity to sit with that and lovingly heal it. 

And then we can practice. We can recommit to our metta practice, to our compassion practice, to the practices of patience and generosity. To listening to and caring about others, including everyone. To respect and self-respect. If I’m not committed to that, I’m relying on my native neural pathways, carved over 66 years of living in these times, in this country, in my family, working for 40 years in the law. Which gives me enough to roll up my sleves and work as hard as I can to support our democracy and the rule of law, but doesn’t give me enough to rely on that solidly points me away from bias and hate, and towards abiding respect for others. 

But my practice does. Taking the time, day in and day out, to incline the mind towards respect, compassion, and love, carves more skillful, neural pathways. I can see that happening. Hopefully you can, too. Without taking away even a smidge of my edge, which hopefully is also true for you. Which, if it is, has the power, if we choose to use it, to change things: for the better, for the more respectful, for the safer, for ourselves, sure, and for those around us, including (or especially) those who don’t otherwise feel safe, or empowered, to create change.  

I see you. You are wounded and flawed, just like me. You are afraid and angry, just like me. May your wounds heal, just like I want mine to. May you learn to accept your imperfections, just like I’m learning to do. May your path be one of learning to care for and respect yourself and others without exception, just like mine. May both of us orient our work and our lives, and when we go off course, reorient, towards love. 

Stay safe out there, everyone. If you’re back east or down south, stay warm, too.