10 Things You Need To Hear Before The New Year

On today's episode of Relationship Radio, we're taking a look back at 10 of the best moments of 2023 and packaging them into one episode for you to have heading into the new year ❤️

EPISODES
How To Build Better Communication With Your Spouse
When Your Spouse Feels Like A Roommate
When Is It Time To Let Go?
What To Do When Your Spouse Checks Out Emotionally
Do THIS First To Save Your Marriage
Why You SHOULDN'T Divorce Your Cheating Spouse
How Do People Fall In and Out Of Love?
If You're Struggling With Your Marriage... Watch This
Is Your Marriage Even Worth Saving?
My Spouse Says They Don't Love Me Anymore

Relationship Radio is hosted by CEO of Marriage Helper, Kimberly Beam Holmes, and founder of Marriage Helper, Dr. Joe Beam.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:30

What if I told you that there are 10 things that you need to hear before heading into the new year? Well, that's what we're going to be talking about on today's episode of Relationship Radio. Hi, my name is Jason. Obviously, I'm not Dr Joe or Kimberly. I am all things video, podcast and YouTube here at Marriage Helper, and today we just wanted to kind of take a look back at the year of 2023 and just look at 10 of our favorite moments and episodes of the year, just kind of like an end of year recap. So, without further ado, let's go ahead and jump into our first clip. Our first clip that we're going to be looking at today comes from an episode titled how to Build Better Communication with your Spouse, and this episode was published way back on February 1st.

Speaker 2: 1:10

Open-ended questions are the way to start conversations.

Speaker 3: 1:14

Yeah, non-threatening open-ended questions.

Speaker 2: 1:16

Can you explain what you mean by that?

Speaker 3: 1:18

Yeah. So I mean asking the open-ended question of do you still love me and why are you not talking to me anymore? Those are open-ended questions but they're kind of threatening. There's a defense that's probably going to go up on the husband's end if a wife were to ask that question, or vice versa, although some women might love if it's like what's been standing between you and I. Yes, let's go deep into that right now. Would love to do that. But yeah, so something more non-threatening a great one to start is how has life been for you lately? What's stressing you out at work? What's been going well, what's been going on at home? And just start to get an understanding of what their life is like right now if you don't really know.

Speaker 2: 1:59

Okay, and it can even be more situational. So, for example, if the wife is in the middle of that chapter and she finally finishes it and puts the book down, he can look at her and say I can see that you're really into that book. Can you tell me about it? Yeah, and now she's talking about something of interest to him or to her. And if he watched the Ohio State Michigan game and it's over, she were to say you know, I didn't understand some of the things that can happen. Can you kind of restructure that and help me understand it?

Speaker 3: 2:26

That's the intellectual part of pies. So for those, for those of you who know about the term pies, it's what we talk about in terms of attraction physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual and when we want to attract our spouse to us and eat all four of those ways. One of those ways is intellectual and we say it's about connecting, about things that that you know, that they enjoy, that they know you enjoy, finding things that you share in common, and so asking the questions about, like the Ohio State game, right as a as a woman, I know nothing about football. My husband doesn't watch football, but if he did, then a great way. If he's involved in that, if he's watching that, then for me to ask that question, he's going to find me more than likely more intellectually attractive, because we will then share a common knowledge base and he's going to enjoy explaining to me the thing that he understands and loves.

Speaker 2: 3:18

So your case? You know that'd be something like the Renaissance fair.

Speaker 3: 3:20

Yes, exactly. Okay, and you can ask him or, more recently, like war, into political, like global politics right If I can just ask questions about global politics. Let's go back to the Renaissance fair, yeah.

Speaker 1: 3:35

The next episode we're going to be taking a look at is when your spouse feels like a roommate. This is published on July 26th.

Speaker 2: 3:42

And so are we saying then that if a couple becomes really secure in their relationship, that they're going to act more like roommates than lovers?

Speaker 3: 3:51

Um, no, that's not what we're saying, but that could be what some people hear Interestingly and I said this before we said I don't remember where I said this with you, but there's, there's two main marriage gurus other than us, of course that that speak about this topic, and there's one person that says the way that you keep the marriage alive is by not having too much intimacy in the sense of friendship. You keep a little bit of mystery in order to have more of the eroticism Whereas the other person says that that's ridiculous. And if you don't have that deep intimacy and friendship, then how can you truly have a deep relationship with the person? And so part of what comes as a byproduct of the question you asked, with that deeper friendship, inner intimacy, vulnerability, transparency, transparency and openness is that you could become habituated and, over time, de-eroticize, unless you're intentional about not doing that.

Speaker 2: 4:51

Yeah, Again, quoting my friend, Dr Barry McCarthy. Barry says that intimacy actually puts you in a situation where you feel secure, where that you don't feel any surprises are coming. But an intimacy part of our security is the fact that I don't expect to be surprised. I know how you think, I know how you feel, I know how you interact with other people, et cetera, et cetera, and based on that predictability then we have security, which is a deep part of intimacy.

Speaker 1: 5:21

Next up, published on June 21st. This is when is it time to let go?

Speaker 2: 5:26

I don't want to take a lot of time digging into this because of the fact that we like concentrating on helping people to save their marriages, but there is such a time when it's time to let go right.

Speaker 3: 5:38

Yes, okay, we're very hesitant to say that because we realize that it's the choice of the person who is standing for the marriage, wanting to save the marriage. And so, yes, I mean and sometimes people will say, I don't want false hope. So we don't ever want to give false hope, but we have a lot of hope, real hope, positive hope to give, because we've seen a lot of marriages turn around, and so this is a difficult question for me to answer, because I just feel like that story of that hiker who was like climbing Mount Everest or something and was coming down one like it was nighttime and he was trying to come back down and he ended up stopping because he just thought I'm like, I'm so cold, I can't go any further, I'm just stopping ended up dying of hyperthermia. When they found him, he was a foot from the ground, but he had given up too soon. And that's what I always think of when people ask this question, because do you ever really know what could have happened if you had hung on a little longer?

Speaker 1: 6:39

But that's, I get you.

Speaker 2: 6:40

I understand.

Speaker 1: 6:41

Our next video that we're gonna be taking a look at is what to do when your spouse checks out emotionally, and this video was published on July 12th.

Speaker 2: 6:50

Because there are so many spouses and we see it more often in men than women but so many spouses out there who have really shut the other person off from feeling they can be safe to open up themselves to you. Because if they tell you what they feel, you tell them they should feel something differently. If they tell you what they want, you tell them. It's ridiculous For them to want that. They should want something else. If they tell you what they think about something, you tell them while they're wrong, et cetera. And they finally get to the point where it's like I'm not gonna be open and transparent to you, I'm not gonna tell you what I think, what I feel, what I believe, what I do, Because I know when that happens you're gonna judge me. Now, Kimberly, you said they may not even be aware they're doing it. So how can a person become aware?

Speaker 3: 7:33

Well, one way is just by watching your spouse and their body reaction, their body language, even the look on their face when you respond to them, or even just it might not even be things that other people are saying. It could be the lack of response, the lack of looking the other person in the eye. Brinay Brown, who is a researcher. She has a great way that she talks about this when it comes to kids, and she talks about how there was a mom who, when her daughter would walk into the room, the first look on her face would be one of disgust when she didn't like what her daughter was wearing. So, instead of it being a hi, good morning, how are you today? Is that what you're wearing? And that was the first thing.

Speaker 2: 8:17

Even if she didn't say it, she communicated it with her facial expression. That's right, and so the daughter felt rejected. That's right, even if mom didn't say a word.

Speaker 3: 8:24

That's right. That's right, and the mom she was talking about was her. It was something that she had to learn over time that I didn't realize that's what I was bringing into it, and I needed to learn and change my own awareness. But even if she were to look at her daughter's face when she had that look, it was one of like why do you not like this? Why do you not like me? I don't feel accepted or loved right now, and so, either in the overt communication that you're having by saying you should be doing this, that and the other differently, or through just the body language, tone, look on your face or lack of responding to your spouse when they're trying to talk to you Maybe it's staying engaged in your phone when they're trying to have a conversation. If you were to just look at them, you would be able to tell more than likely that they don't feel like they're getting back from you what they're needing from you.

Speaker 1: 9:13

Next step, published on May 17th. We have do this first to save your marriage.

Speaker 2: 9:19

And Kimberly. It may sound ridiculous, but the first thing to do actually has to do just with what's inside your own head. Would you agree or disagree?

Speaker 3: 9:27

Yes, that's right. It is not necessarily the first step to take to saving your marriage. It's a decision you need to make before you even get to taking the first step to saving your marriage. Much like if someone's trying to lose weight. First they need to make the decision to do it and commit to it and understand everything they're committing to before actually taking the first step. Otherwise, it may not be a fruitful endeavor that they enter into because they waver back and forth, they don't actually do the things that they need to do, and so they don't get the results that they wish to seek if you don't make the decision and commit to it on the front end.

Speaker 2: 10:03

Well, since we're talking about losing weight as an example, I figured that over the lifetime that I have lived, I've lost somewhere nearly a million pounds.

Speaker 3: 10:13

Guinness Book of World Records right there.

Speaker 2: 10:15

But in the process, in the process, I always wound up giving up because something's not working exactly the way I think it was going to work and so I thought I'd be a fuller, but I'm winding up being hungry all the time. Or I thought the weight would drop faster and that's not happening. Or, as you know, my wife, your mother, has made another cake, but it's a healthy cake.

Speaker 3: 10:37

Oh, oh. Last week she called me and said I'm making your dad a pie and I said he's trying to lose weight and she said no, it's strawberry, rhubarb, it doesn't really count, no, it's still a pie. You can't do this. But yes, it's just like that. But also in that when people with weight loss as an example, they tend to start maybe with one plan but then, because they're not getting the results, they add in things from other plans and then they end up not knowing quite what to do next. They've muddied the waters and then they just give up all together.

Speaker 3: 11:12

All of that is true in what we're talking about. In saving a marriage as well. We have a process that we teach and that we follow, which we'll uncover in a future episode. But that process, when you follow it, we know it works. But if you start adding other people's stuff into it that you hear and think, well, I'll just also add in this thing of no contact and also add in these six text messages that are supposed to bring them back, it muddies the waters where you're not gonna get any results.

Speaker 1: 11:38

Right, Published on July 5th. We have why you shouldn't divorce your cheating spouse.

Speaker 3: 11:45

Even if they're a good person who did a bad thing. It's gonna be a lot of work and a lot of effort to address the affair, recover from the affair, all of those things. I'm young. Why not just take my losses, go and find someone else and start over? Because if I'm gonna put that much effort into saving what I have, why not just put that same amount of effort into making something new with someone who hasn't hurt me?

Speaker 2: 12:12

And that makes sense, but if you already have history together. So, for example, how long have you and Rob been married now?

Speaker 2: 12:19

12 and a half years 12 and a half years and so if you leave, you leave all of that, you leave everything that had to do with that. I mean, you might split up your possessions, your assets, those kinds of things, but basically it just says I spent 12 years of my life learning how to love this one person who has now done something where he or she's made an error. I won't call it a mistake because of the fact that they obviously did it on purpose, but it has made this error and now this person really wants me to forgive and put it back together again. Can you just casually throw away 12 years?

Speaker 3: 12:53

Hmm, Well, and in our case it wouldn't just be the 12 years, but we knew each other 20 years before that.

Speaker 2: 13:00

Yeah, since you were children.

Speaker 3: 13:01

Since we were children, so there's a negative taint that would even go on childhood memories and childhood experiences. I can see what you're saying and I'm willing to take it into consideration. But the other thing is, what if he's not repentant yet? So why should I not divorce a spouse who cheated if they're currently still cheating?

Speaker 2: 13:22

It's a good question. Think about it like a teenager. How many times have you seen a teenager do something wrong? I mean, even rebels start living a lifestyle that's totally contrary to what you taught them. You can do one of two things immediately If you wish, one of which is to say look, that's not who you're supposed to be.

Speaker 2: 13:39

You know better. You're living that lifestyle. Therefore, boom, I cut you off, you're out of my life, I have no more consideration for you. Or you can say because I do love you and because I do believe that good person is still in there that even though, at this particular moment, while you're still rebelling, still acting out and doing things that are causing all kinds of problems, I believe that that good person is inside of you. And if only we could rescue that person, if we could somehow get you back to where you were before, that not only will you be a better person because of what you've learned from the bad stuff you did, but also can become a champion for making sure that our relationship stays strong for the rest of our lives. And so what's the matter of? Do I just throw this person out, even though I have loved them, or do I use that love to try my best before I give up, to see if I can rescue them.

Speaker 1: 14:29

How do people fall in and out of love is the next video that we're going to be taking a look at, and it was published on June 28th.

Speaker 2: 14:35

When people talk about falling in and out of love. I remember doing a workshop in Corona, california, many years ago, where that when a particular lady who was in the workshop she was an architect when I explained the process of how people fall in love and out of love, she actually began to weep and I asked her what I had done to offend her and she said I thought what I had with my lover she was there with her husband. I thought what I had with my lover was something magic and special and you just taught me that basically, it's like architecture If you do certain things, certain things occur and it's shocker to her core.

Speaker 3: 15:11

Yeah, and that's part of what makes what we've done and our research and our experience with couples unique is we realize that there is a process that people can follow that if they follow it they will fall in love. But if they stop following that process, then they can fall out of love, even if they don't mean to. And that's where many married couples end up. They stop following that process somewhere along the line after a couple of years or more of marriage and wake up one day and say I don't feel in love with this person anymore, but we can teach you how to fall back in love.

Speaker 2: 15:42

As a matter of fact, I see these programs every time on television, like married marriage, first sight and things like that. Never seen it. I just sing the title and I'm thinking they're talking to the wrong people, because we can actually show them the process that any two people, if they both follow the process, will fall in love with each other whether they want to or not. But as we learn the process, if they start doing it backwards with what you're talking about a minute ago, then they fall out of love and most people never understood the process that went through to get in love. Therefore, they don't understand what they're doing in the process to fall out of love. So first let's just define love very quickly.

Speaker 3: 16:19

Yeah, let's define love scientifically, right? Because I think if we were to define it or try to define it based on what people feel, then people would say if we were to do like the Jay Leno thing, where you go on the streets of New York City and say, what does it mean to be in love? I think a lot of people would say it feels like the butterflies in your stomach, it feels like wanting to be with the other person, it feels like deep trust. But if we look at the scientific words used to describe love, according to the research it's really three components it is intimacy, which is a deep friendship, a deep, deep vulnerability and, into me see, with each other openness, transparency, trust.

Speaker 3: 17:01

Yeah, like being with your best friend. And then there's passion, which is the second component, which is a yearning for oneness Could be sexual, but doesn't have to be Right. And the third one is commitment, and commitment is the decision to continue doing what's best for the relationship.

Speaker 1: 17:19

Next up is a moment that we had from our episode with our intake specialist, nathan. This episode aired on November 29th and it's titled If You're Struggling with your Marriage, watch this.

Speaker 3: 17:29

So let's talk about the person who. They have talked with, someone at Marriage Helper and they're stuck in the cycle of their thoughts.

Speaker 4: 17:42

That goes to what I said just a moment ago. Is my behavior in line with my goals? If not, stop. And I know that seems easy to say. I know it's so easy to say because, by the way, if you are caught in that destructive self-communication cycle that you are just looping yourself right now, then when I said stop, you then said oh yeah, well, I would.

Speaker 4: 18:06

But you just said that in your mind You're busted, but that you are wired in that situation. Your momentum is carrying you, just like you're going down a toilet. You're just going in a circle. Eventually, one day, you're going to be in darkness. So what you? What you? Yes, thank you for that.

Speaker 4: 18:28

So what you have to do, what you have to do, is get out of the cycle. And the thing is, joe cannot get you out of that cycle, kimberly cannot get you out of that cycle. No one on our team, as good as I think we are, can get you at the end of the day, can get you out of that cycle. Only you can do that. And you have to plant your flag in the ground, as muddy or sandy or slipping or whatever as it is. You have to plant your flag in the ground and say, on this day, today, I'm stopping the chain, I'm stopping the cycle, because you will continue doing that. I heard you just say, oh, yeah, well, but I heard you say it again Stop that.

Speaker 4: 19:11

You have to take that moment just to say today is the day that I'm going to choose to do something radically different from anything I've ever done before. I am worth change and I can't make you feel that way and you can't make them feel that way. You have to decide that the picture of your future is more important than the pain of your past. You have to decide that and upon deciding that, your actions have to be in line with your decisions. Now you will make mistakes, there will be bumps in the road, and that's where you give yourself grace. I suck at that, by the way. I'm not good at giving myself grace, I admit that straight up front. But you have to give yourself grace when you do fall off the path. Maybe you're working with your spouse to try and get them to a couple's workshop and you commit a massive push and it ticks them off. Your story isn't over.

Speaker 3: 20:15

That's right Okay.

Speaker 1: 20:17

Your story's not over there. Next up, we also have another episode with an intake specialist, this time with our intake specialist Cody. This was published on October 25th and this episode is titled Is your Marriage Even Worth Saving?

Speaker 3: 20:31

You know, I think one of the things that you hear I mean we hear often and I know you hear it is but shouldn't I just wait until my spouse is ready, right, and a lot of people say that they're like, well, I'd rather do the couple's workshop. I'd rather wait for him to go along. I heard it go along. And what would your? I mean, you've been saying it, but what would your encouragement be to that person?

Speaker 5: 20:53

Yeah, I think this can be a kind of a tough love type moment, like a hard truth type conversation, and I ask a lot of people when they say that, because it's a natural thought, what is the point of doing anything if my spouse isn't gonna do it? If they're not willing, like how could that lead to something?

Speaker 3: 21:13

better yeah.

Speaker 5: 21:14

And so one of the questions I'll ask is like so okay, are you saying, then, that there's no point or value in becoming a better person if your spouse isn't willing to work with you on anything there's? Is there really no benefit to that? Just objectively because, at the end of the day, no matter where you are in life, no matter what the state of your marriage is, we all have that opportunity, but, I would also argue, responsibility to always be striving to be something better, to grow and to learn and change in life, and the outcomes of doing that are never guaranteed. But you can never convince me that it doesn't increase the chances that it's gonna help your marriage Becoming something better, becoming something more, becoming a more whole person, a more self-sufficient person, a more healed person a better communicator, a more trustworthy person.

Speaker 5: 22:11

All the outflows of this process are going to impact every part of your life. And what do you have to lose, really, in doing that? It feels to me like you only have things to gain. And so if your choice is to wait and tell your spouse, I don't know magically becomes ready to work on the marriage all of a sudden, after months or, in some cases, years, of showing no evidence of wanting to do that, then when will it happen? So it's like you have to focus on what you can control, and you're never gonna be able to control your spouse, and I'm willing to bet the reason you're on that call in the first place is probably partially because or if not primarily because you have been trying to control your spouse and control things that you can't. You know if, until you start focusing and making the changes on the things you can control, nothing's really gonna change, and if it does change, it's probably gonna get worse. Trying to control the things you can't control.

Speaker 1: 23:12

And this brings us to the last clip of the day that we're gonna be taking a look at. This episode is my Spouse Says they Don't Love Me Anymore, and that was published on August 2nd.

Speaker 3: 23:22

So the key here is that, even if your spouse has said that they don't love you anymore, there's things that you can do. First of all is to assess why have they said that? Is it because of something you have done intentionally, or probably unintentionally, that's getting them to move away? Or is it because of the fact that they have de-eroticized you and there needs to be some passion brought back into the marriage? Either way, there's things to do. There is hope for the situation. So just because they've said that doesn't mean it's time to file for divorce. It just means that it is a warning sign that something is wrong and now, like a check engine light, there's a check engine light that's come on. Now let's identify what's happening so we can fix it and get back on the road.

Speaker 1: 24:05

Well, thanks so much for watching our last relationship radio episode of 2023. If there's anything that you want to hear more of from any of the episodes that we highlighted today, you can head down to the show notes below and all of those full-length episodes will be linked there. From the entire team here at Marriage Helper, we just want to say Merry Christmas, happy holidays and a happy new year to you and for being a loyal listener of relationship radio. We want to offer you 25% off your first month of our Save my Marriage program. To get that, all you have to do is go to marriagehelpercom slash podcast. Again, that's marriagehelpercom slash P-O-D-C-A-S-T to get your first month of your Save my Marriage program 25% off. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode of relationship radio to kick off 2024. So make sure you subscribe so that you don't miss it or any of the amazing things we have planned for the new year. So again, we'll see you next week for a brand new episode. And remember there's always hope.