Understanding the Pursuit of Validation: A Deep Dive into People Pleasing and Overgiving

Ever found yourself caught in the act of people-pleasing or perhaps overgiving? To a point where it feels like a desperate necessity for your self-esteem? This compelling discussion with Dr. Donna explores these two behaviours that, while seemingly similar, are driven by remarkably different motivations. As an overgiver in recovery, Dr. Donna provides a unique perspective on how both people pleasers and overgivers are deeply rooted in the pursuit of validation. However, the nuance lies in the source of validation - is it external, as seen in people pleasers, or internal, which is the driving force for overgivers?

Delving further into the mindset of an overgiver, Dr. Donna categorizes them into four archetypes - the Compassionate Rescuer, the Enchanting Savior,  the Prolific rebel. and the Divine Independent, each with its unique traits and motivations. This enlightening discourse can help you understand the deep-seated motives behind your giving behavior and guide you towards healthier patterns. Discover how to navigate these tendencies and cultivate a sense of self-worth that isn't solely reliant on external praise or overly generous deeds. Whether you identify as a people pleaser, an overgiver, or fall somewhere in between, this episode offers expert guidance to foster an internal sense of value that isn't contingent on the validation of others.

Transcript

Dr Donna Lee: 0:00

Hello, it's Dr Donna and welcome to my podcast. Today I want to talk about being a people pleaser versus being an overgiver. Now, they are two different things and they can coexist within the same person at the same time. Often both have a relationship to trauma if they've been neglected or mistreated. But the difference is people pleasing is about seeking external validation. So when you do for others and you give and you try to make other people happy, that is people pleasing and you want their validation because you're saying my worth is based on other people liking me. So that is people pleasing, overgiving, which I've really started to keep my specialty. This is what I'm really specializing in because I'm an overgiver in recovery and I notice that a lot of clients have overgiving tendencies. Overgiving is an internal traumatic response where you are trying to validate yourself. You're seeking your own validation by giving to others and you feel like the more you give, the more you feel worthy of receiving validation from yourself. So people pleasing is seeking external validation, validation from other people. Overgiving is seeking validation from self and both can really drive you to the extreme of giving excessively. But people pleasing, they can get their fix sooner, I believe. And when I say get their fix sooner. It's okay if I go help someone, oh, and they validate me and they say I'm great. I feel a fix for the day or for a while and I can give a little bit just to see that smile on someone's face to say I'm so wonderful, you're so great. They're saying all these great things to me. If I just do like a task or help them with something or give them a little bit of money, or a stranger on the street who's asking for money, and they smile, I feel a fix, like okay, I'm validated, I'm okay, people find me worthy, I am a good person. So a lot of people pleasing is about seeking that external validation from the world that you're a good person, you're caring, you're loving and you're kind. But for over givers like me, we're harder on ourselves and we don't even do it for other people to validate us. We do it to try to validate ourselves.

Dr Donna Lee: 3:14

You know, when people are healers and they want to save the world, it's often because they're seeking their own validation, that they're enough and they're worthy enough, and they can't get that from the outside world. So all the over givers are giving other people. They would give excess money. You know I talk about the four major archetypes of an over giver. One is the compassionate rescuer. Who's a fixer? Right, they just hop in and they fix everything. I am a compassionate rescuer and we will just take the steering wheel in somebody's life and fix the problem. And it's soothing to us because we want peace and calm and we want to be able to hear our own voice and to feel like, hey, I can fix problems, I can keep my environment safe. So a compassionate rescuer seeks internal validation that they are worthy by being able to fix other people's problems and keep the environment calm. Compassionate rescuers are very empathic, we feel to the extreme. Where many people are impasse, they become passionate rescuers. They become fixers because they are extreme impasse. Then you have the enchanting savior and they are a helper. They will help people. They give you money, they throw money at the problem, but they won't take the steering wheel. They're like, hey, here's the money, go, take care of what you need. You know they're very generous and that's how they soothe their internal self and validate themselves is by saying, hey, I'm generous, I'm a giver, I hope people. That makes me a good person, that makes me feel worthy. So that's how enchanting savers function in the world to validate themselves.

Dr Donna Lee: 5:12

Now the next archetype is a divine and dependent. They are the person who will put themselves last. If they have family members or friends who need something, they're like, hey, let them have it first, let their knees get taken care of first, I will put myself on a back burner and wait my turn. They may never get their turn right because divine independence are costly putting themselves last. They learn this as a child and they've learned to let the sibling that needed help more, the family member that needed help more, go first. So they feel like a good person because they sacrificed so well to help the other people to get their needs met. So divine independence are big time like sacrifices and it's I'm okay with being last.

Dr Donna Lee: 6:12

Now, when it comes to the prolific rebel archetype, they have been the scapegoat. They will take the blame for things that they didn't do, but they take the blame to scare somebody else from getting punishment or discipline or being hated within the family or their circle of friends, whoever they're close to. They might even take the blame at work. They're like I just take the blame. You know I'd be the good person, I'd be the martyr. You know I'd be the good Samaritan, and I will just take the high road by taking the blame, and it's nearly nothing that they did. So they feel like they're a good person because they're willing to be a martyr, and that's another form of internal validation feeling worthy because you're willing to take the L for someone else who did the problem. So those are the four archetypes that I've seen most of the time when it comes to overgiving.

Dr Donna Lee: 7:18

Now, overgivers, overgiven relationships for mannequins, relationships with family, relationships with coworkers, friends, you name it. They over give, but in different ways, the ways that I described in these archetypes, and they do it to feel like a good person and they feel like they could sleep at night if they feel like they're contributing to the world by giving so much and they need it from themselves. So, even if someone never says thank you, that's okay, as long as the overgiver knows that they did the right thing, they're satisfied, their nervous system is soothed, the trauma is soothed for the moment With the people, please, sir. They got to hear from the outside world that they're a good person, they're doing a good job, that they're okay and sometimes, as I said earlier in this podcast, you can be an overgiver and a people-pleaser at the same time, because trauma just shows up in different ways for all of us and you can be a Dominate overgiver and a minor people-pleaser, or big-time people-pleaser and a minor overgiver, or they could be equal energy.

Dr Donna Lee: 8:40

But I focus on over giving more than people-pleasing, because it runs so deep and over givers get themselves into a lot of trouble. They lose time, they lose money. Overgivers often don't have the money that they should have and even when they have good jobs, they may still have a low balance in their bank account because they help People so that they can sue their nervous system and feel good about themselves, to feel worthy. So none of this is about Eagle. People love to throw around Eagle and you know, yes, we all have one, but people with trauma don't have Eagles.

Dr Donna Lee: 9:20

In the same way, when you have unhealed trauma, you're more like survival. You're looking for validation from self or from others. You're trying to be a Better person because the trauma may you feel like a bad person and if you have people blaming you, you definitely are gonna fight to want to be a good person, and so Neither people-pleasers or over givers are really Eagle driven. But it can look that way from the outside looking and it's deeper. It's trauma due to neglect, abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse. Something triggered this response in an overgiver and a people-pleaser.

Dr Donna Lee: 10:05

But I focus on over giving more because everything's so excessive and it's so training, physically, emotionally. And you know it's harder for over givers to give themselves approval. They will hear approval from others and that's great, but they have to feel satisfied within themselves. I guess in some ways it could be a form of perfection. You know there's so many ways to look at perfectionism, but it's not normal perfectionist or perfectionism Usually is. I feel worthy of other people's love. If I'm perfect, I'm protected. If I'm perfect, no one will hurt me. Now for over givers, I need to be perfect to myself so I can love myself and feel worthy of my own love.

Dr Donna Lee: 10:55

So an over giver is seeking their own love and approval. They're finding their way, their journey to self-love. Once an over giver can really understand their patterns and their archetype, they could end up, you know, honoring themselves more and Pilling off the layers to reveal their true self. Because an over giver are people, please are. They're not living in their authentic self, they're living in survival. So when you peel off the layer you get to see who you really are as a person who does not have to do anything excessive. You don't have the people please are over give to be worthy. You're just worthy because you are, and that's a hard place for a people please are to get to in a hard place For an over giver to get to.

Dr Donna Lee: 11:49

A over giver just can't get there easily. It takes a lot of work. It takes a form of counseling. It takes, you know, studying and understanding yourself. It takes work to get there to say I am enough for myself. Can you imagine living in your body and you don't feel worthy and deserving of your own love? So the journey to self-love that's one thing that learn is to stop Overgiving. The more, the less you over give, the more you can love yourself, and that could be a battle for a while. It's a very important journey. It's a powerful journey and it's a necessary journey. So if you have questions, feel free to ask me on my Facebook page or my Instagram page. This concludes this podcast. Thank you for listening and have an amazing day.