Parenthood Regret And The Cost Of Telling The Internet

Some truths are too sharp for the timeline. We talk candidly about moms who feel regret, the social script that pushes women toward marriage and motherhood, and what happens when those private feelings spill into public posts a child might read years later. The aim isn’t to shame anyone for struggling; it’s to protect kids from harm while giving parents real tools to cope.

We trace how expectations form early: be chosen, start a family, and happiness will follow. Then reality hits. Sleepless nights, invisible labor, and the weight of being “on” 24/7 can erase a sense of self, even inside a marriage. We unpack identity loss and the “mommy wars,” where one camp demands gratitude while another admits it’s hard. Both are reacting to the same construct. We offer grounded ways to navigate the middle: naming limits, sharing responsibilities with clear agreements, and reclaiming small, nonnegotiable rituals that keep you human.

There’s a line between valid feelings and public wounds. Posting about hating motherhood can leave scars on kids who depend on you for safety and worth. We share safer outlets—therapy, peer groups, confidants—and practical support moves like schedule shifts, childcare swaps, and honest conversations about capacity and family size. You’re allowed to seek help, to say no, and to want more space. You’re also responsible for the impact of your words.

If you’ve ever hovered over the post button, this conversation offers a pause and a path: protect your child, protect your future relationship, and choose rooms that can hold the truth. If this resonates, subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a review with one step you’ll take to create safer support.

Chapters

• 0:00 Opening And Online Confessions
• 1:12 Why Public Regret Lives Forever
• 2:04 Social Pressure To Marry And Parent
• 3:07 Invisible Labor And Feeling Alone
• 5:17 Identity Loss And Mommy Wars
• 6:40 The Harm Children Hear And Carry
• 9:09 Owning Limits And Honest Choices
• 12:20 Ask What You Truly Want
• 14:18 Keep It Offline And Close

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello, it's Dr. Donna, and today I want to talk about it may be a little bit uncomfortable discussion for some people, but I feel like it's very important. I spent a lot of time on social media, the different platforms, reading comments just to understand people and how they think and where they're coming from. And I have seen plenty of TikToks and even posts on other social media sites where women are saying out loud that they don't like being a parent, they don't feel connected to their kids, and where I can have great empathy and compassion for them, although I was a young mom and I really enjoyed being a mom because my son came into my life after my mother died, so he was my motivation. I had personally given up on life when my mom died. I had to be in foster care, I wasn't treated well. No one loved me like my mom. And so having my son saved my life, but in reality, I know it's not that way for every parent. But what I want to say to you is if you're a woman who is regretting your choice to be a wife or to be a mom, and we're gonna talk about being a mom today and having regret and not really liking the whole parenting thing, don't put it on social media because social media is forever. Even if you delete your post, it's forever, and you don't want anyone going to your child or your child seeing it at some point, even if they're young, they may see it in the future, and knowing that you feel that way about them. And I totally get it because having children is one of our social constructs. We have social constructs in society, right? You get married, you're supposed to have kids. I'm 54. I remember when I was in my 20s, people would always ask a married couple, when are you gonna have children? Right? So it's an expectation. Even in families, you will have parents say, Well, I want to be a grandparent, well, I want to be auntie, I want to be an uncle, a new baby will be a blessing. And you know, there's this pressure that we're starting to discuss now that we didn't always discuss before. We just did the things that were expected. I rebelled a lot as a teen mom. I've been engaged a few times, I refused to get married, it wasn't the answer for me. But a lot of women are told if you get married and have children, you will be happy and you will be loved more and admired more. And sure, a lot of times when the woman is pregnant, she's getting attention, and you know, there's a baby shower and welcoming the baby, but when all of that's done and and you're laugh at being a parent, often you're doing it alone, even if you are married. A lot of women talk about being single mothers, although they're married, because either they have a husband who's working most of the time, or a husband who just doesn't know how to participate or won't participate. That does happen. Let's get honest. Where I'm not gonna sell any bullshit on any of my podcasts. We know it happens, I've heard it a lot, and so the woman feels ignored, she feels like everything's up to her, and she has to keep it all together and raise these kids. And and kids are a 24-hour day job. Yes, when you have kids, you are put to the side. That's just how it is. And you may say, Well, what about me? Yes, what about you? And hopefully you have a village that will give you some time so that you can have time alone to know who you are, because as a parent, you're going to lose yourself. For me, I found myself, but yes, I was always worried about my son and wanting him to be okay, and we didn't always live in the best neighborhoods, and yeah, you know, I worried a lot. I believe as parents, we worry so much whether we admit it or not. We always want our kids to be safe. You know, there's a lot of pressure with parenting. And you know, a lot of women are starting to cry that they don't know who they are anymore. And it really goes deeper than the kids that they had. They probably didn't know before because they were following all the rules of society. Have you know, date, have a guy pick you to be chosen, right? And you know, that's a big deal, and then all of a sudden you're valued, you're safe, everything's gonna be good because a man chose you and he wants to marry you, and he wants to have a family with you, and society is built on families. I I think just about every culture has that social construct of family, you know, marriage and children. And so she's doing all the things that she is told to do, and but nobody's saying, Who are you? Who do you really want to be? Do you really want to have kids? And yes, some people think they really want to have kids and they have them, and they see the work and how you don't get a break and you don't get to sleep, and you don't get to have time to, you know, pamper yourself or take care of yourself, and everything has to be for the child, and you have to cook and you have to clean and you have to you you have to, right? There's so much stuff that you have to do. And what ends up happening is a loss of self, and a lot of women are starting to express that. And you know, I was always glad that I have my son in 1984 before the internet because there became the mommy wars. And the mommy wars are about two classes of women. The one who admits that you know having kids is hard and it's not what they really want, and it kind of sucks, and then the other side saying, You need to be grateful, you're a bad person, you're a bad parent. And I really think it's because both of them are fighting about a social construct. Yes, there are women who love being a mom, and you know, I've known some women who have a lot of kids, they love it and they live for it, and that's their identity. And you know, but once those children have grown up and moved on, what is your identity? Who are you? Who are you gonna be? You're always mom, right? But you know, who do you become when you're no longer having to nurture little ones and your kids are spreading their wings? So women are starting to feel this even when their kids are little, and they're like, I gave up a career, I gave up, you know, school, I gave up something to have these kids, and I thought it was going to be fulfilling. And plus, you have the complication of the hormonal changes of during pregnancy and postpartum, and so there's a lot of emotions involved, and I totally get it. Don't think I don't because I listen to it, but I just beg of you to not put this on social media. You find a support group, you talk to a therapist, you talk to your friends, you talk to your confidants, but don't put this out in the public where your children may see this, because think about it. If you were to see your parents say, I regret having you, my life isn't great, my life has been ruined by your existence, I feel disconnected, it's gonna destroy you. And I've had clients who've had parents say, I regret having you, I regret being a parent. It isn't what I wanted, you know, I thought it was, and they say this shit to their kids, and you you know, you hurt them. You destroy them. Yes, you have the right to validate yourself and your emotions, but you're doing damage. If you put this stuff out there, your kids see it. You you don't want a person who didn't ask to be born to feel like they're a burden. It isn't fair. And if you think about it, you don't want anyone coming into your life, you don't want your spouse, your friends, you don't want no one saying to you, I regret that you're in my life. It is awful that you're in my life, I am miserable because of it. You don't want to hear that from anyone. So please don't put it out there. Go to safe spaces to discuss these things. And you know, I've seen comments where people go, well, people are just expressing how they feel. We feel a lot of things. There are some people who want to kill someone, but they don't, they know not to express it out there on, you know, in public. There's a lot of things that we feel. And yes, you can express it, but be smart about it. If you want your kids to love you, and if you want any type of relationship with them or any type of connection, think about what you're saying out loud and if you will want someone to say those things to you. I can't believe I have to say this, but I have to say this because I've seen too much of it, and I'm shocked by it because you have to realize when we're little people, we rely on our caretakers so much, right? So much for our well-being, so much for our safety, security. That's how we know about love and intimacy and commitment and you know how to know our worth and our value. And if the person who helped bring you into the world says, I regret having you, and you hear that, what kind of value are you gonna have? What kind of future relationships are you gonna have? Are you gonna know your worth? And you know, I'm on social media a lot, and Instagram is good for all the post, and you see how people are not having good relationships with their parents and resent their parents and call themselves narcissistic parents, immature parents, you know, insensitive parents, selfish parents. And do you want to be known like that by your children? Because that's how it may get interpreted by them. And if your caretaker doesn't love you, who's gonna love you? You because it's gonna be hard to let people in. And so once you learn a young age that you are a regret, and some people go, I love my kids, but but the kids will hear I love you, but so they're not hearing that true unconditional love. They're hearing I love you, but there's this thing, I regret having you, I I regret how it's affected my life, I regret how I don't have time for myself, and so think, please, for the love of sweet Jesus, think and think about your impact of your words. We all have to think about our words, and we have all messed up what our words have said, things that we've regretted, you know. Um, and I put weight on my son because I kept on telling my son, you saved my life, you saved my life, and that's a lot of pressure too. That wasn't cool either, but he really did save my life, and I told him I was nothing without him. I had a different experience, but I only had one kid because I knew having more kids, I couldn't handle it. I would have been overwhelmed, I wouldn't have been able to do the things I wanted to do in life. The one was a motivator, but two, three, or four wouldn't have worked for me, and I love kids a lot. But I knew because I didn't want to be bogged down and I remember right before I was to have my hysterectomy, the doctor I was 45, and the doctor said, you know, you can still have kids if you want any, because the doctor also knew I had lost my son, y you know, back you know, back in 2008. And you know what what was so nice is that his girlfriend ended up having a baby with someone and I took care of the baby like three days a week for free, so she wouldn't have to pay for child care. And I said, this is a good test to see if I, you know, need my uterus or not. So I would take care of my I was the bonus grandma, I take care of him. I would bring them places, drag him around with air into the store to everywhere, you know, and you gotta do the car seat and the stroller and you you know, I was always scared driving with them. It's like I gotta keep you alive, you know, you gotta stay alive till five o'clock until mom comes. Whatever happens after that, it ain't my fault. Right? That was the joke that I always had with her and my grandbaby. I gotta keep you alive. And I realized I love kids, I have a fantasy about having a lot of kids, but I don't need to have any more. And so once I worked at the nerve, it took a few more years, I had the hysterectomy. But what I would say to every woman out there, even if your family's pressuring you and you feel like they won't love you or accept you unless you have you get married and have kids, step back and say, what do I want for myself? You have to do this because you're gonna have to live with the result. People can want you to have kids, but are they babysitting? Are they paying for the diapers and the formula and getting up in the middle of the night? And you, you know, are they doing that? And yes, there are some people who have wonderful parents, but you know, that help as grandparents, but they get tired too, and they want to travel and they want a life too. So think about if you have a kid, know that you're stuck with this kid the majority of the time. You may not have a partner that helps you. So think. And don't put it on the kids. Think about your choices and your decisions and decide, is this what I really want? Because there are days it's gonna be hard, it's gonna be tough, it's gonna be scary, you're gonna worry, you're gonna be stressed. But then there's a lot of love, right? There's a lot of love and joy w raising kids, but make sure it's what you want. And please keep it off of the internet, please. Because your your your words affect someone that is very close to you, who counts on you, who you are raising. So please keep it off the internet. Thank you for listening and have an amazing day.