How To Care Deeply Without Carrying Everyone’s Load

What if caring deeply didn’t mean carrying everyone’s load? We walk through compassionate detachment, a practical way to keep your empathy while ending the cycle of overgiving, people pleasing, and quiet resentment. Instead of rescuing by reflex, we talk about trusting other people’s capacity, respecting your limits, and building boundaries that feel kind and clear rather than cold or rigid.

We unpack why overgiving is often a trauma response and how cultural and religious messages can reinforce the habit of saying yes past your bandwidth. You’ll hear how “fixing” can block someone else’s growth, why burnout pushes many into emergency boundaries, and how to avoid that crash by starting small. We share simple scripts you can use right away: asking for consent before offering advice, defining time and money limits without apology, and replacing fixer energy with present, calm support.

Along the way, we map responsibilities by role—parent, partner, friend, coworker—so you can see what is yours to carry and what belongs to others. We also explore the spiritual side of giving within reason: honoring each person’s path, including your own. If you’ve been feeling tired, resentful, or guilty when you try to rest, this conversation offers a reset toward sustainable care, healthier relationships, and more peace in your nervous system.

If this resonates, share it with someone who needs permission to set a boundary, subscribe for future episodes, and leave a review to help others find the show.

https://www.skool.com/the-break-free-collective-5501/about?ref=b887b62437254f798339b807a7e9547e

Chapters

• 0:00 Defining Compassionate Detachment
• 1:50 Overgiving As A Trauma Response
• 3:30 Why Overhelping Blocks Growth
• 5:10 Rethinking Boundaries Without Guilt
• 7:20 From Burnout To Better Limits
• 9:10 Responsibilities Versus Overreach
• 10:45 Course Invitation And Closing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello, it's Dr. Donna, and welcome to another episode of my podcast. Today I want to talk about understanding how to practice compassionate detachment. Compassionate detachment is a very important practice for anyone, but especially for overgivers, because as overgivers we overstep boundaries, our own boundaries and other people's boundaries, and we feel this need to do it in order to feel better about ourselves, to feel like we're saving the world and helping people and doing right by people and caring for people when they can't care for themselves. Now, these are a lot of assumptions that overgivers have. We think, well, the person can't solve their own problem, so I solve it for them. Well, that's overstepping a boundary. And even if the person wants help and is struggling with solving the problem, it doesn't mean for anyone, the overgiver, to step in and take over because what you do is you're interfering with the person's path. Well, overgivers feel a lot of guilt and feel a lot of responsibility to help others and be there for other people, and overgivers feel guilty if they're happy and at peace, and they feel like, well, everything's working in my life, so I need to go save someone. And overgiving, as we have discussed many times, is a trauma response, and it is a need to seek internal validation by helping others, and it becomes very excessive. And so overgivers habitually give too much and forget to take care of themselves. Now, compassionate detachment is about having compassion and empathy. So don't think it means that you're not going to have compassion empathy, but it means having a boundary with your compassion and empathy so that you don't overstep the boundary and start fixing other people's problems for them. Now, with compassionate detachment, it's different from a boundary, but it helps you to set boundaries because when you practice compassionate detachment, you're really understanding, wow, I can care, I could be there for people, but I don't have to try to fix it for them. I can trust that this person is quite capable and everyone is capable of fixing their problems. They just need to learn how to do it, and I can be supportive but not take over. So compassion detachment is very much a necessity for anyone, especially for the helpers, overgivers, the people pleasers, because people pleasers is a trauma response to be a people pleaser, but you're seeking external validation as overgiver is seeking internal validation. But it all leads to helping people with different reasons for it. And when a com when a person practices compassionate detachment, they start to understand, okay, you you know, I don't have to be everything to everyone, and it allows them to see the good in themselves because they are still caring about people, but they're not overexerting themselves. So part of practicing compassionate detachment is to admit that you have overgiving tendencies. A lot of people do, you know, but to different limits, especially when we come from a society that says don't be selfish and greedy and don't be a taker and a give, give, give because good people give. And if you've been raised in a religious household where you were taught, you know, to give, giving is good, and we're constantly being reinforced, and you see it on social media, you see it everywhere. It's give and give, good people give. Don't keep it all to yourself. If you have more than others, give. But what isn't being mentioned is you give within reason because there are spiritual reasons why you don't want to overgive. One of them is, you know, when you overgive to someone, you prevent that person from walking their own path and understanding their own path and their own capabilities and that they know how to fix their own problems. If somebody constantly comes in and fixes someone's problems, how do they learn to fix their own problems? How do they walk their path? We are all on a spiritual path. And when you're busy helping other people, you're not walking your spiritual path because you are busy fixing other people's lives. So nobody's doing their journey because one person is helping too much and avoiding their own business, and the person who is being helped too much isn't learning how to fix their own business. You know the phrase mind your business is not to be cruel or just to say stay out of gossip, it's literally to say, know your limits, know your boundaries, know how much to help, how much not to help. And with overgivers, there's this constant need for self-approval. So you give and give out of exertion, hoping that one day you feel this inner peace and you feel better about yourself. But that day may not come until you start to understand that you are overexerting yourself and it's time for boundaries. So when people struggle with boundaries, if they don't, if they stop seeing it as being cold or hard or you know, putting up a wall and really realize what they're doing, is they're saying this is the line of how much my emotional bandwidth can handle and how much I can be there for others and I can help others and what works for me, and this is what I want you to understand about those boundaries I've set for myself. It becomes easier instead of seeing to set boundaries instead of seeing it as oh, I'm shutting people off, I'm being heartless, I'm being cold. And when you are able to practice compassionate detachment and know your limits so that you don't habitually help someone to the point of fixing their lives, guess what? You're able to set boundaries better and easier without feeling guilty. And that is very important because it it's a process, especially if you're a people pleaser or overgiver. You know, there's things to heal within self, you know. I have courses on that that I offer, but on top of it, it's knowing that it is daily work to understand that when you stop overgiving and people pleasing, you have to deal with who you are and why you do the things that you do, and that might be uncomfortable, but it's necessary. And as you do that, you can set the boundaries, have better compassionate detachment where you're there for people within limits, and both parties are meeting their own needs instead of having somebody else do it and somebody fix it, and that is the most healthy outcome. But it will take some time to get there. There's gonna be levels of discomfort. This stuff isn't done overnight, it takes time to get to the emotional place of being able to practice compassionate detachment. But what makes it easier is sadly it may take a person getting burned out and exhausted, and then they end up setting an emergency boundary, and then after they stop being guilty for that emergency boundary, then they get to the place of compassionate detachment. But if you start now and start, ask yourself what really is my responsibility to myself? Am I taking care of my responsibilities? And then what is your responsibility to other people in your life? Okay, if you have kids, you have a big responsibility. As they get older, it gets less and less, right? If you're in a relationship, there are some responsibilities, but there can also still be boundaries. Now, what is your responsibility with friends, family members, you know, work and understanding it and saying, hey, I know my responsibility, and I'm not going to overstep it because I don't want to be a bad person, or you know, I don't want to judge myself. And when you get to that place, then guess what happens? You're able to practice compassionate detachment, would make which makes life much pleasant and easier because a lot of people who are overgivers, they're also stressed out, they're tired, they get sick because they're not resting, their immune system is worn, and they become resentful because they're thinking, hey, I should feel good being an overgiver, and they're not feeling good, they're feeling emotionally exhausted. So, what I would say to you is really start analyzing your overgiving tendencies, and start with one person that you really give a lot of time to, money to, whatever you give that person too much of yourself to, and start saying, How can I set a boundary with this person? So you start with one person and then you add, okay, I'm setting a boundary, but when they come to me, I'm still gonna be compassionate towards them. I'm gonna have empathy, but I'm gonna give them some advice. I will ask them if they want advice, so I'm not gonna step in and fix it. You can be an ear without taking over the person problem. You can listen and they can say, I need money, but if you don't have money to loan, don't loan it. You can say, I wish I had it, but I don't at this time. You know it's okay to say no, and part of compassionate detachment is being comfortable with saying no to other people, which allows you to say yes to yourself. Now I do have a mini course which I will have a link in this podcast to, and it's all about how to practice compassionate detachment. There are four modules, there is lecture, and then there are worksheets to work through the process. Thank you for listening and have a great day.