Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

A Somatic Coach Explains How Social Norms Shaped Our Obsession With Having A Boyfriend

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 8

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A spicy headline can hijack a whole conversation, but the truth underneath is far more interesting. We dig into the viral question—“Is having a boyfriend embarrassing?”—and uncover how status, social media, and money power have long shaped what women were told to want. From two decades of readings, I’ve heard the same fear on repeat: that being single signals failure. Today, that fear is losing its grip.

We walk through why a boyfriend once served as social proof, how privacy became a form of self-protection, and what changes when women can fund their own lives. When your housing and groceries don’t hang on someone else’s wallet, you can leave a bad situation sooner and choose love from desire, not dependence. We also name the messy bits: financial abuse masquerading as romance, the red‑pill echo chamber, and the way scarcity thinking pits women against each other. None of that makes partnership the enemy; it makes agency the standard.

You’ll hear how posting a relationship can become public property, why many now wait to share or don’t share at all, and how identity work flips the script from “How do I keep him?” to “How do I keep myself?” We explore later marriages, child‑free choices, and the quiet confidence of knowing you’ll be okay either way. The outcome is not anti‑love; it’s pro‑alignment. When timelines relax and boundaries hold, the right relationship has room to prove itself.

If this conversation resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs the reminder, and leave a review with the one belief about relationships you’re letting go of next. Your story might be the nudge someone else needs.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast. Today I want to talk about an article that I heard about and I knew I had to read. It was a British Vogue article called Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing? The reason why I decided to read it and to discuss this article is because I was on TikTok and of course TikTok you know says whatever, right? To get people to listen to the video and the heading said Vogue said having a boyfriend is embarrassing. No, it was an opinion piece and it had the word is in front of it. So it was asking a question and exploring the topic of is having a boyfriend embarrassing? And the reason why I wanted to discuss this topic is because as a psychic and when you work on a platform or if you do readings anywhere, the number one question that women will ask is about a relationship. Well, even men will ask about relationships, but I believe that psychics talk to more women than men. I know I've always had male clients, but most of my clients are women, and ever since I started doing this work, I was surprised that the biggest question was always about when am I going to find somebody? Will it work out with this person? When is he going to call? It was always about having a relationship. And I thought when I started out as a psychic that it would be more self-help, and you know, how do I make my life better? How do I manifest? How do I start goals? And you know, because I'm a psychic, but I'm also a coach, and it wasn't that way. And at first it used to bother me like, whoa, women, we are so programmed, right, for a relationship in that or nothing without a partner. But there are reasons for that. But first I want to discuss this article a little bit more. And so there is this perception of having a boyfriend is shifting, right? And a lot of women are staying single, becoming more independent, and thinking, do I really need a partner? And women who marry young are getting divorced in their late 20s, 30s, 40s, and even 50s and 60s, saying, I want a life of my own. And you know, you have to have a boyfriend to get to the husband part. And so boyfriends have always been important because it's a way to see who are you going to spend your life with, right? And you have to date for a while and get to know them. But you know, as women, because we were programmed um to need a man, a lot of times things were overlooked. So, yes, sometimes having a boyfriend can be embarrassing if you're with the wrong person. So going back to this article, it it's, you know, it was an interesting discussion because it talked about how having a boyfriend was once a status symbol, and it meant that you were desirable that a man chose you, and it was social validation because a lot of our beliefs are social norms, whether you know that or not. A lot of things that we believe have just been given to us. A lot of people think, oh, I'm an independent thinker. To an extent we are, but all of us are guilty of believing social norms. And having a boyfriend that leads to a husband is definitely a social norm for women. It always has been, and in some way or another it always will be. It's just that it's not the majority of women, now less women are feeling that way. But now women are moving away from the narrative because they realize maybe giving my life to someone, I'm losing myself, I'm losing my identity. And is that what I want to do? Who am I? And I know a lot of times when I spoke to women who are afraid of being divorced, are you know having a breakup, they're like, Who am I gonna be? Because we are that trained to be with someone and to serve that partner and do what it takes to keep that partner. So the article discussed that and it discusses social media influence. It talks about perceptions, how it used to be you wanted to post that you were in a relationship, and now some people don't. They keep their relationships private because they don't want to be judged. They know that some people be jealous if they have a better partner. Been there, been through that. I don't post my relationships, I just let people think I'm single all the time. I think that's better. Um, because people aren't always happy for you, or sometimes people unfollow you or go, oh, you're all in love, yucky yucky, right? And it's because of many reasons. Some people they haven't been lucky in relationships or they don't have the best partner and they're uncomfortable with seeing someone with a good partner. So that is one of the reasons why people aren't posting their relationship on social media. But also, it's just that they feel like, why do I want to post a boyfriend? I don't know how long this is gonna last. I will post when it's a fiance or a husband, but you know, what if we break up? And I've seen that where friends post that the boyfriend they're together for a couple years, they break up, and here I am left friends with the boyfriend, and you know, my friend has unfriended them and moved on, and you know, it gets kind of awkward, and so that's another reason why people aren't posting, you know, women are just staying away from it of posting their relationships online. And another thing that was discussed is that you know, it used to be that having a boyfriend was part of womanhood. You know, you can't be a woman and not have a boyfriend. Or guess what? This the article doesn't say this part, but I say this part. A lot of times people think, oh, if you don't have a boyfriend, are you gay? Are you in the closet? You know, so there there used to be that pressure to really pulse someone and tell everybody, look, I'm in a relationship. But now there isn't, and people don't even care if they're assumed to be gay or anything. Women are just like, hey, I don't have to prove nothing to nobody anymore. And that's a good thing because women were finding out that we're a whole person without a partner. But yes, relationships were once a big achievement for a woman. It was a milestone. I remember being an undergrad, there was a time where women were chasing down to get their husbands, so they wanted their MRS degree with whatever degree they're going after, and then it happened again in chiropractic school. And I remember I was so stressed out. I'm like, how did all these people get engaged? And some of them got married real fast. I've seen people get married within dating two or three months, and oh my gee, I'm just trying to survive here. So there is that pressure of, you know, go to school, at least get your degree, but look for a husband there, and then your life starts. And so having a boyfriend was very pivotal because it was gonna lead to a husband and a perfect life, and I can say being friends with a lot of them on Facebook's half made it and half didn't. And so it was 50-50 success rate. But I like that the article explored this question because there is a shift, and I know a lot of people who are engaged who aren't even posting it on social media anymore. And then some people, even of all ages, even older women, were in a rush to say, yes, I'm in a relationship. So I think it's 50-50 with needing a relationship. Now that was the article. So the article wasn't saying that having a boyfriend is embarrassing, it was asking the question, is having a boyfriend embarrassing? And it explained many reasons for asking that question. So it wasn't doing that, and what I didn't like about TikToks, it was like, well, man, you men, you better get it together because women are tired of you. And there is a male loneliness epidemic, and some of it may be rightfully so. You know, I'm not here to bash men because there are a lot of good men who are working on themselves just like us women are, but there are some men, which I noticed when Snap Benefits her cut that were making jokes on TikTok, like, oh, she's gonna have to stay with me, she's gonna have to sleep with me because she's gonna need money for food. And so there is that what they call the red pill club that have that mentality that women aren't truly being respected, and they don't like that women have their own jobs and make good money and have degrees and have their own home because then they don't feel needed. Now, and that's really sad because no man should expect a woman to be desperate in order to need him. That is crazy. That means, hey, you only be with me when you're down, and I could do whatever I want to you because you're down and you're desperate, and you know you can't take care of yourself, and so you have to be with me, and I have the upper hand. That is abuse, it really is, and it's it could be physical abuse, it could be verbal abuse, but it's definitely financial abuse, right? If somebody has to be with you because they can't pay their bills and they gotta put up with your nonsense and your abuse, it's financial abuse. But I think that's why women started realizing, you know, I may post this person and he may seem great, but what if he changes up? What if we break up? Then, you know, it's just gossip, right? I don't want to be embarrassed, and what if they know this is my boyfriend and they're doing some crazy things, and you know, I'm associated with that, and it affects my identity and who I am, and I don't want to be embarrassed for many reasons. So women are being more careful with who they date and why they date, and there's no longer this pressure to have kids and to get married at a certain age. We're getting more lax with that, and I do hear from women saying, Look, you know, if I find someone, it's great, but if I don't, I will be okay, and that's different because it wasn't until October 28, 1974, that women could go ahead and rent apartments on their own, get a bank account, get a credit card, you know, buy property. Prior to that, so that was only 50 years ago. I am 54. Well, that was about 51 years ago. I am 54, I'd be 55 in December. And so this is all new, and it's shaking everything up, and I see it. I purposely go on TikTok and go on social media to read comments from people because I want to understand what people are thinking, and then also having clients or people calling, I noticed that when I first started working on the platform 24 years ago, women were kind of desperate and really scared and upset and were willing to tolerate a lot more nonsense from a man because they were afraid to be alone and they didn't know who they would be. And you know, I I would ask some clients, I would say, Well, why do you want a relationship? And they're like, I don't know. I guess it's because everybody else has one. I don't want to be the different one. So that's a social norm. And I remind them, I said, Yes, I understand you're caught up in the social norm, but you're you're crying over how people will perceive you instead of is this what you really want for yourself? So I was very blunt, and and I just, you know, for women who stayed on the phone and wanted to talk, I started talking about identity and why do you want this and what does it do for you to have a partner? And there was a lot of fear of being alone because that is a social construct of you don't want to be alone, it's bad to be alone, and a lot of people don't have a self-identity or enjoy their own company when they're alone because they just feel like they have to be partnered up. And we see it, we see people leave one relationship and have another one lined up, they are not alone for a day, and they know one really relationship's ending, and they are ready to go jump into the next one, and so you know it's about a trauma response or some type of survival, a fear of abandonment, and so they will say, Okay, I do better in relationships. No, you just feel safer because it's unsafe for you to be alone or to enjoy your own company, and you need to explore why. And so that was a big issue back then, and it was very hard to do this job because I wanted to be the self-help psychic, and eventually I got there, but it's because as society gave women more permission to be single and to not have a man, women changed and they became easier to talk to. Before I would say it was like 90% would freak out over not having a partner. Now we're I think we're down to like 30, 20, maybe even 20 percent. And it's different because where people are still calling about relationships, they're ready to hear, maybe I need to move on. Should I move on? They're open to a different dialogue. They're not necessarily fighting to win, they're not going to compete with other women the same way that they used to in the past. It used to really be about competition. Women were really taught scarcity, scarcity in every aspect. That's why women compete so much because they don't understand that there's enough for all of us. And they felt like they had to hang on to a guy even if he was rotten back then, because it was for survival and you don't want to be alone and there aren't too many choices, and someone else may not come along, and it's a big risk to walk away from the bad relationship, so I will stay. And now when you see these comments, there's all this freedom of it's okay to be single, it's okay to be child free, it's okay, and and there's still that battle, right, between people who are in relationships and people who are not. Yeah, you know, people who are in relationships and how children may call a single person without kids selfish, or what do you have to live for? And it's because our identity as women, we don't question men to sing away when they're single. This is about women was always who are you if you're not, you know, partnered up in a relationship, a girlfriend, a wife, a mother, who are you? And if you're married without kids, it's like, what are you waiting for? They feel like you should be getting pregnant the night you get married, and all of that's going away, and it's also allowing women to say, I can walk away from my unhealthy partner. I can walk away just because I want to walk away and this is no longer for me. Because over the years women got smarter and they started, you know, going to college regularly, not just to get an MRS degree. They were going to college and getting multiple degrees and getting graduate degrees. A lot of women may have two master degrees. You know, women started their own businesses now. A lot of business owners are women now, and because they were kind of forced to, right? No partner or the partner left, and they're left with kids or just left on their own. And so women had to find means and they realized I can't always depend on somebody else. I can't depend on a man. And there I've read comments where women said, Hey, I counted on him, I needed him, and he knew that, and he took advantage of that. He knew that he could treat me however he wanted. And that is what we call financial abuse, and that is what women are not tolerating anymore. And so all of that, you know, go to college by twenty-two, you gotta be engaged, be married by twenty-five. If it you're married past twenty-five, it's too late. And I remember a friend saying that, I don't want to be single after age twenty five, and and I look back and it's like, twenty-five's nothing. You know, but that was groomed in us. And, you know, I would even speak on it never always felt weird because I didn't want to be married. I wanted to date, but I knew that it just didn't feel right at the time. I I'm fifty-four and just now ready for marriage. And it's a different time. But y you know, it was always there and I grew up during the evolution of women changing. And I I seen it from I have to be with a man and I remember when I was younger, it was always, you know, taught it's weird, not for my mom, but just hearing it from other women, our friends and their moms, that you have to have somebody. It is required. And if you don't, you're gonna look like something's wrong with you. And when you think about it, we have all I think we've all heard someone say, You're nice, you're pretty. Why are you single? You shouldn't be single. And when you're single, it used to make people in relationships uncomfortable because you weren't following the norm. It didn't make women uncomfortable necessarily. Sometimes they thought maybe you wanted their man, but most of the time it's like, Why are you brave enough to be single? Why are you going against the social norm? So if you don't think we're not influenced by society, and I remember discussing social norms in sociology class and you you know, we really went into it. Um, you are influenced and we're just now learning to break away. So now if a woman thinks a man's gonna embarrass her, first she's gonna get to know him a lot longer before she posts this is the guy. And if she thinks he's gonna be embarrassing, she will just act like she's single online or and she will let him go. And there's a lot of women doing that now. So where not every relationship is, ooh, having a boyfriend is embarrassing is not the end thing anymore. It's really what I believe people who she spoke to in an article is saying is that they're either a private person, they don't want people in their business or they just want to take their time getting to know someone or they feel pr no pressure to be with someone. And so they're it isn't saying, Oh, it's all bad because where I do and and this may not be kind, but I do feel like men are behind us with doing the work because they never had to. They never and and they were just taught you're men, you don't feel you just be men and there was that toxic masculinity of, you know, men get act however they want, boys to be boys, men to be men, men lie, all men cheat. No, not all men cheat. We need to stop saying this crazy stuff because it isn't true. And there are people who still believe that because they've been cheated on, they assume all men cheat. I don't know how many men are on the planet, but there's if there's eight billion people and let's just say I split in half, we can't say all four billion men are cheaters. No. And so we have to watch ourselves, you know, what we are buying into. But basically the article is saying it's depends, right? It's subjective. If having a boyfriend is embarrassing. Not oops, all women are sick of it. Yes, women are moving away from relationships, enjoying being single longer, um, getting married later if they do, or if they're in a bad relationship, they feel free to divorce, no problem. So with stigmas going away and social norms shifting, belief systems shifting, and that gives women freedom to make different choices. And as she makes more money and have her own house and you know, all the things that she wants and she could travel and doesn't need a man's money to stay alive, she is choosing to be single in a lot of cases. Yeah, you know, there's always still gonna be a few, especially some of us who are older may be I say, I have to be with someone. You know, that's they're still stuck there in a norm. But that pressure is fading out, which is wonderful because it gives young people a chance to explore and see who they are, what they really want and who they want to be in life and then take on a partner. And I think then if that boyfriend leads to a marriage, the marriage may last longer because you more know more of who you are. And you can grow together versus growing apart. So this article is wonderful because it gets people talking and it gets people discussing what's being discussed on social media and it's helping women to be set free because we have been in that relationship cage for a long time. That if you're not in a relationship, something's wrong with you, nobody chose you, you're not desirable, maybe you're not pretty enough, maybe it's your attitude. You get blamed for being single. We don't blame men, but we blame women, and now women say, I really don't give a hoot. You can say whatever you want. I'm doing me, I'm choosing me, I'm taking care of myself, and I'm making a different decision. So that is my take on the article. I really wanted to discuss this because relationships are a big deal in the psychic world. A lot of people care about it, but they're caring differently than what they did when I started 24 years ago. And I think that's awesome. Now I have no problem reading relationships because women are coming from a different angle. If I will survive if this won't work out. So cheers to you women. Cheers to all of us for knowing that we are worth more than being a girlfriend and having a boyfriend, that we are worth so much more. Thank you for listening and have an amazing day.