Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Time Isn’t An Apology

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 9

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Ever been told to “just give it time” after someone hurt you? We push back on that myth and get honest about what actually heals: accountability. Dr. Donna unpacks why time isn’t an apology, how silence can feel like abandonment, and why a genuine I’m sorry calms the nervous system in ways months of distance never will.

We trace the real costs of avoidance—from tight jaws and churning stomachs to brittle trust and estranged families—and name the patterns that keep repair off the table. You’ll hear practical language for apologies that land, guidance for setting boundaries without guilt, and a grounded take on forgiveness as personal release rather than forced reunion. We also walk through ten clear reasons people avoid apologizing—shame, ego protection, learned avoidance, fear of rejection, denial, pride, and the false comfort of time—so you can recognize what’s happening and choose your next step with clarity.

If you’ve been the one who caused harm, you’ll learn how to own impact without excuses and offer specific changes that rebuild credibility. If you’ve been hurt, you’ll hear permission to step back from unsafe dynamics, especially when family pressure demands silence at the holiday table. Accountability is not humiliation; it’s integrity. And while an apology won’t erase the past, it can change how both of you move forward.

Listen, share with someone who needs this conversation, and tell us: what makes an apology feel real to you? Subscribe for more honest, trauma-informed conversations, and leave a review to help others find the show.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello, my name is Dr. Donna, and welcome to another episode of my podcast. Today I am going to discuss why some people do not apologize. I was on social media the other day and I saw a post that says, just so that you know, time passing is not the same as giving an apology. And it really hit me because I've had people in my life who let time pass and they never apologize and or acknowledge any of their wrongdoing. And it was very clear that there was wrongdoing. And they just figure, oh, time pass, you know, I'm not gonna, you know, care anymore, and we'd be cool. And I learned to over time not give people like that chances to stay away because I realized that if I did it to them, they would not be okay with that. They would expect an apology. And you know, I tried really hard throughout the years to not get hung up on needing an apology because what if it never comes, right? I I've spoken to clients are like, I need that apology, and I have to tell you no, this person may not give it, and they get upset and they get hurt, and I say, Look, I understand, but some people just don't have it in them, they don't have that emotional maturity to apologize. But what I realize, the apology can be important because it's acknowledging that you did harm to someone, and a lot of people don't want to do that, they don't want to acknowledge that they've hurt someone, and most of us have it been through this experience where someone has hurt us, whether it's a parent, a partner, someone has caused harm and they won't apologize. They're just like, let it go, get over it. It is what it is. You know, they're very cold about it. And remember, time passing is not an apology, it's just time passing, and if anything, it could build up more hurt for the person who was hurt, um, more resentment for the person who hurt them not acknowledging, you know, the harm that they caused, and it could do a lot of damage. So, you know, true healing requires emotional accountability. Yeah, you know, I have told people don't count on it, but if you want that relationship to heal that you broke, you have to apologize. That's how you heal the nervous system from that trauma. It's spiritual maturity. So let's go into the illusion of time. You know that old saying, just give it time. Time heals all wounds. You know, we hear it after a heartbreak, a conflict, a betrayal, you know, especially when you break up with someone, it's like just give it time. Even when I lost my son, people told me that I would just feel better magically in time. It doesn't work that way, but we have this obsession of letting time pass and keeping busy in the meantime, heals everything. Well, for someone who has been hurt, they're reliving the trauma, and even if they go through therapy, you know, it's still challenging for them because they're like, Why did this person hurt me and why won't they acknowledge that they hurt me? And yes, at one point it's better to let it go, but often the person that caused the harm is trying to stay in the person's life, and it's like, how dare you want to stay in the person's life that you hurt, and you haven't even apologized to them. So it gets very twisted, and often the biggest pain comes from someone that we're close to, like a family member. Example, a parent. And a lot of parents who have caused harm do not apologize. They're just like, Well, I'm your parent. Accept it. So know that time does not erase the energetic imprint of harm, it doesn't do anything. And you know, yes, time can help us breathe again, find some type of rhythm to life, but the incident that happened is still there, it's still present, especially if you're forced to interact with that person. I remember a lot of times um when I first started, you know, doing readings and coaching and during the holidays I would get calls from people who said, I don't want to go home. And it's because they had to face somebody who hurt them, who never apologized to them, and the whole family is expecting them all to sit at the table like nothing happened because we're family, and you know, we're just gonna have a nice holiday. And yes, a lot of families do have avoidance of issues, they don't talk about it, they don't face things, and that's how some people become isolated from their family. And one thing I learned back there is to help people have permission not to go home if it didn't feel emotionally safe to go home. I said, you don't have to participate in the nonsense of the family trauma of you need to act like you weren't molested, you weren't hurt, you weren't abused, and sit at the table with your abuser and be nice to them, even though they never apologize, and why are they there anyway, right? If they've done all that harm, they shouldn't be there. But you don't have to be there either. But sadly, not only does the person in the family not apologize, but the family members will also enable the person who didn't apologize because they want to keep the status quo that everything's fine, nothing's wrong. But you know, when pain is unacknowledged, it lingers in the body. I'm a somatic coach. I talk about how everything gets stored in the body, the nervous system will hold on to it. I mean, you can feel it in your chest, your jaw, your stomach, you can feel it throughout your body. Those are common places where people will feel their hurt. And so a sincere apology, one that's very sincere, can calm that internal storm faster than years of silence ever could. Because when the person is silent, you're just left thinking, well, what happened? You know, why won't they say sorry? Why do they think I should talk to them after they hurt me and there's no acknowledgement, right? Because apology does tell the body, you're safe now. I'm sorry, I see the harm that I've done to you. I am sorry for that harm. And you feel more seen. So that's why apologies can become so important. They're not ego-based of, oh, this person owes me apology and they gotta bake and grovel. Sometimes that happens, but overall, it's like I want somebody to see me and to see my pain. That's what it's about. So, no, avoiding apologizing isn't healing. So when someone chooses not to apologize, it often isn't about cruelty, it's about avoidance. And some people will avoid taking responsibility for the harm that they caused because they don't want to take ownership for what they've done, and also because they probably grew up with people not apologizing to them, so they're continuing that pattern. And so avoidance is what they do, and it's a nervous system's way of running from the discomfort of I hurt someone. It's a trauma response dressed up as self-protection. That's what it is. But here's the problem avoidance can feel like abandonment to the person who was hurt, and it sends the message that your pain makes me uncomfortable. So the person who doesn't apologize, they're feeling uncomfortable because the person was hurt. But if you apologize, you're saying your pain matters. But the disconnect of saying your pain that I caused makes me uncomfortable just creates more distance. It's not healing. You're not healing anything by acting that way. But a lot of people are like this. We all, I believe we all know someone like this. And maybe some of us have been that way at one point, but as we grow and heal and mature, we learn to take responsibility. Like my mom used to always say, when you F up, own it. And you know, sometimes we don't know if we hurt someone, but this is for when it's obvious, okay? This is for obvious stuff that matters. That's what I'm talking about. So, what is the power of a genuine apology? An apology isn't just about words, it's energy, it's co-regulation of the nervous system. Because when you say I'm sorry for how I made you feel and you mean it both your nervous system for apologizing and the person who you're apologizing to will relax. It's the body's way of saying we can trust again. Yeah, you know, a lot of times people don't trust because they've been hurt and the person who hurt them never fixed it. You know, they either just disappeared or they're in your face like nothing ever happened, and it's hard to trust someone who does not take responsibility. But also what happens is that you won't trust anyone because you're like, are they gonna do me the same way? So it makes it hard for the person who was heard and not apologized to to trust anyone. So when you do say, I'm sorry for how I made you feel, and you mean it, both of you guys can relax, but but and that's the most important thing. You've got it off your chest, you took ownership, you said, Okay, I did this, I don't like it. You can say I don't like it, I'm ashamed, I'm disappointed in myself, you know, I'm not proud of what I done. You can say that, you know, and that's even better. And say I needed time to apologize because I had to really process. But for the person being apologized to, hopefully you can say, okay, they're coming from the heart. This is enough. I can begin healing even more, you know, because sometimes apology when you first get it doesn't feel the way that you think it's gonna feel. You think, oh my god, I'm gonna feel liberated, I'm gonna feel free. It was the thing that was holding me back from moving forward. And you find out after the apology that it really wasn't, but it does help. You know, it helps you to move forward, but it isn't the only thing because the harm that was done is bigger than the apology, and so unfortunately, you're left to heal that hurt, and the apology doesn't do all the healing, it just helps with the healing. That's what it does. So for the person apologizing, remember it's not about shame, it's about integrity. Don't sit there and be ashamed because that doesn't help anything. Then you're making it about you instead of what you have done. Be about integrity, that is the right thing to do. Because when you're capable of apologizing, you're saying that you're emotionally mature, and you're willing to hold your humanity and the impact that you've had on someone else, you know, into accountability. You're willing to be accountable for how you impacted someone, and that is everything, and that is what we're supposed to be doing. Okay, so tying without accountability becomes suppression, right? Because you you know, tying can only heal when responsibility is present, so we have to do work, you know, in order to heal. And the person apologizing, you cause the harm, you have to contribute to the healing. Although you can't totally heal the person, you have to at least take ownership, and that's really the start. And accountability is everything, and it's something that I notice in society we're quite uncomfortable with, you know, as a whole, but accountability is very important, it is everything, and the more we do it, the better we feel, the better relationships we have, and the better society is. But there's a lot of blame and excuses that take place in society, and blame is a whole nother disease, and excuses, and telling someone to just get over it is wrong. That is unfair. You can't cause harm and tell someone to just get over it because the nervous system has been shocked. Um, I used to hear the phrase that the nervous system gets bushwhacked. That's something that I learned when I was studying best, and so it becomes part of what the person has gone through. They're not going to just forget that because all these feelings get attached to the hurt, the harm. And so it's not just gonna go away. And so remember, time can only heal when the person is helping by apologizing. Otherwise, time just becomes a layer of dust over unresolved pain. And a lot of people end up stuck in their pain for a long time, for many years, because they're just like, whoa, I've never been seen, I haven't been validated, the person who hurt me didn't care. And when it comes from a parent or a romantic partner or someone who you thought was a real friend, it can be almost devastating. And you know, sometimes people who haven't had the experience of being hurt by a significant person in their life, they may have this, you just need to get over it, just get over it. And we don't just get over stuff, we end up burying it. We just kind of stuff it down in our nervous system, and it could create issues, it could create emotional issues, health issues, you know, some autoimmune diseases are from trauma. Um, it's very important that we stop making light of what people have gone through. Yeah, sometimes I tell clients, okay, it's done the harm, don't let it take your whole life, so definitely seek some type of professional help to get through it. Don't wait for the apology because some people are just incapable. And that's the sad part. You are owed an apology, but some people they just can't. And at the end, after I finish this part of the podcast, I'm gonna go over some of the reasons why people can't apologize. I wanted to do that separately. So, you know, that's very important because unspoken apologies creates an energetic wall. All of a sudden, you know, the person who you heard is gonna put up a wall towards you, you're putting up a wall towards them, and so there's a wall, and you might think, okay, it's been so long. Why are you bringing up what I did to you now? Because it still matters. It doesn't matter if it's five years, ten years, twenty years, it still matters. I've spoken to people who remember stuff who you know they're now in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and they remember things that happened to them when they were younger. They didn't forget, so it still matters. And remember, the body still remembers what the mind tries to forget. Healing begins the moment that you bring acknowledgement into the space. And when you don't apologize, you're not acknowledging what you've done, and for the person who has been hurt, they need that acknowledgement. At some point, right? It may take a while for someone to apologize because they gotta do their own inner work, but apologies is important, so it's very important to learn the spiritual lesson, and the spiritual lesson is if the person who has caused harm wants any chance of being forgiven, which you don't have to forgive anybody, or if you do, you only have to tell the person that you forgive them. Basically, the way that I see forgiveness is like a cord cutting, it's to cut that person from living rent-free in your head, but you don't even have to tell the person that you've forgiven them. I've forgiven people that I never said I forgive you to. But if you're someone who has caused harm and you want forgiveness, you're gonna have to acknowledge what you've done and you're gonna have to fully own it and try to explain why you did it and promise to do better and be better if you want to stay in that person's life. And it depends on what was done. In some cases, it may be best for that person to stay away from you. So a genuine apology opens up the channel for forgiveness to flow naturally and lets both souls release what they've been carrying, but still there's no pressure for forgiveness. From a spiritual perspective, apology is sacred work, it's soul repair. You're repairing the soul of the person that you hurt by apologizing. It's a reconnection to love, humility, and divine truth. So apologies are very, very important. It they have to be done when there is true harm that's done. So take a deep breath with me. And is there someone whose silence still echoes inside of you? You know, per perhaps someone you avoided apologizing to because it felt too uncomfortable. Are you still waiting for that apology? Are you? So time isn't an apology. Keep that in mind. It really isn't. And it never will be. Time can't heal what wasn't acknowledged. The person who has heard is left on the loop. They're left on that loop spinning and thinking of what has happened. So keep that in mind. And so although an I'm sorry can't change what happened, it could change how your souls move forward. It's very important. So you don't have to relive the past to heal it, but you can bring compassion and truth to the present moment by apologizing. So I want to say thank you for listening to this podcast, but I want to do a bonus section of why some people don't apologize. And it's easy to say they're cold, they're insensitive, and some of that may be true, but there's other reasons behind it. So here are the top ten reasons why people do not apologize. Number one, fear or shame, fear of shame or guilt. Apologizing forces people to face the part of themselves that caused the harm. Many avoid it because it brings up shame, the painful belief that I am a bad person. Instead of processing that feeling, they distance themselves and hope that time will bury it, that they just don't have to face it. That's why they're hoping that time will heal, you know, and you won't need that apology. Number two, ego protection. For some saying, I'm sorry feels like losing power or admitting weakness. The ego interprets apology as humiliation rather than an act of integrity and strength. So they stay silent to preserve an illusion of control. Emotional immaturity is number three. Apologizing requires self-awareness, empathy, and humility. Qualities not everyone has developed. People who never learn how to take responsibility may believe that ignoring the problem will make it go away. Right? If you're used to blaming or just never had to face consequences, that's why it's important for parents to discipline their kids and teach them accountability. Fear of rejection or retaliation. Some avoid apologizing because they fear other people's response. They worry that the person might not forgive them or worse, confront them with more anger or pain that they can handle emotionally. So that's number four. Number five is just discomfort with being vulnerable. A genuine apology makes you emotionally exposed, right? You're vulnerable, and many people have been taught to sus to suppress vulnerability because if you suppress vulnerability, you're being strong, and you're just told to move on, and they mistake emotional honesty for weakness. Crazy. Number six, denial or justification. It's easier for the mind to justify behavior than to confront wrongdoing. People tell themselves stories like it wasn't that bad, or they're overreacting, right? It's like a form of gaslighting. And that may be something that a narcissist does. And they do that to avoid inner conflict that would require change or remorse because some people don't want to change. Number seven, fear of losing the relationship. Crazy, right? Ironically, some people avoid apologizing because they think it will make things worse or drive the person away. They tell themselves, I just stay quiet. Things will calm down, and realizing that silence erodes trust far more than honesty ever would. Staying quiet, you're gonna make the situation worse. If someone grew up in a family, no one modeled healthy apologies, they simply don't know how to repair. Because there are families who don't discuss anything, right? In dysfunctional homes, conflicts often ended through silence, distance, are pretending nothing happened. So number eight is learned avoidance, and then they just are repeating the same cycle of what they learned in the home. They just learn to avoid, you know, don't discuss it. Time goes on. I've known people who had families like that, and I've observed it, and I'm like, whoa. And my family used to be that way, and I just started calling it out because it's craziness to live like that. Number nine, pride and control. Apologizing requires surrendering control of the narrative, right? You can't control the narrative once you apologize. And people who are prideful or controlling struggle to admit fault because it disrupts their self-image or their desire to be right. Some people need to be right. That's ego protection, also, right? And so they're not going to apologize because that means that they're wrong and they are never wrong. Number 10. This one. Belief that times heals everything. No, it doesn't. Times is time. Some things get lighter, but no, time does not heal everything. Some people genuinely believe that if enough time passes, the pain will fade. And so will their responsibility because it doesn't hurt as much, and the person will be like, it's cool, I'm over that now. We're good. Um, that may happen if the person who is hurt came from a family that avoids confrontation and discussing tough issues, but it doesn't mean that they're not really hurting, they're just used to pretending that they're not hurting, so they're doing that in this current situation. But basically, it's confused as a natural doling of emotions with true healing, never realizing that unacknowledged wounds still shape the relationship from underneath. So if you don't acknowledge it, it just is gonna erode the relationship. It just will fade away. I know I faded away from people because of them not apologizing when they did some obvious stuff, right? And it's very important to know that if you want healthy relationships in your life, you gotta communicate, you gotta have humility, you gotta take responsibility for your role in the relationship. And if you're someone who feels like you've been hurt, bring it up. You have to bring it up. You just can't. Sometimes people say to me, don't they know that they hurt me? No, not if you don't tell them. Some people don't know, especially if they have any of these ten reasons, right? Or if they're a narcissist, they don't even think, oh, I hurt someone, although they should know. Some people may not know, or they're just hoping that time will pass. So I wanted to go over these ten reasons along with this whole discussion because it's a very important topic. I come across this a lot with coaching and doing readings, and I know I've been through it personally, and I'm sure a lot of you have. So I want to thank you for listening to this very important podcast and have a great day.