Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Why Wanting A Partner Doesn’t Make You Male-Centered

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 10

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The internet loves a label, but lately “male-centered” is being tossed at any woman who admits she wants love. We pull that word apart, trace it back to trauma patterns and nervous system survival, and make a vital distinction: desire is human; self-abandonment is the issue. From social conditioning that ties worth to desirability to childhood experiences that made love feel conditional, we explore how survival mode can masquerade as romance and why shaming women only deepens the wound.

I share clear guideposts to tell the difference between healthy connection and losing yourself: whether your voice gets louder or quieter, whether your boundaries are respected or negotiated away, whether your nervous system feels safe or stays in fight, flight, or fawn. We walk through five practical steps for healing—reclaiming your center, inner child work, daily nervous system regulation, releasing comparison with other women, and choosing conscious partnership. Along the way, we talk about patience, alignment, and why you don’t need to chase what’s meant for you.

If you’ve ever been judged for wanting a partner—or judged others for not wanting one—this conversation invites nuance and compassion. You can be soft and strong. You can want love and keep your identity. You can receive masculine energy without surrendering your self-worth. Press play to learn how to move from chasing approval to choosing reciprocity, from survival to self-leadership. If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs the reframe, and leave a review to help more listeners find us.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast. Today I want to talk about this phrase being male-centered. I've been seeing this a lot on social media. I work online. I love to look at posts and comments from people to see what they're talking about. Um I learn a lot about people and how they're thinking and where their head's at. And you know, also learned from my clients. But this one phrase, male-centered, comes up all the time, it seems it seems like any woman who's tired of dating, done with relationships, got divorced, is reclaiming her single life, is calling women who want to date, who want to find a partner, who want to be in a relationship male-centered. And I think, wow, so how do we do all these extremes with language? And I notice that every time we learn a new buzzword in society, we're like a kindergartner. We just say the word over and over because it's our newest word as we're learning new language, right? And I remember when everyone was calling someone bipolar and then everyone's calling someone narcissistic and now it's male-centered. And for me as a psychic coach and a somatic grief coach, it's exhausting sometimes to see how extreme we are because I know that clients will bring this language to me or they will feel bad for wanting a partner, and it's really unfortunate. Now, I've spent a lot of my adult years once I got into my 40s, especially after my son died being single, because I wanted to take care of myself, not because I hated men or yeah, I I had a few awkward relationships. I've had some good ones, but I chose to be single to take care of myself. Now I am 54, gonna be 55 next month, and I remember being in college, right? You're in your you know, 18, 19, 20, you're in college, and a lot of women then wanted to get married. It was the next step, and I was so lost just trying to raise my son and everything. I forgot to focus on marriage, and then I realized I didn't really want it. But I don't recall judging women who did want marriage, but I do recall a lot of women who were in relationships and got married, judging me for the time of not being married. Yeah, I was dating, had a boyfriend, but that wasn't good enough, and so there's always been this battle of single women versus married women and the judgment of each other for where we're at in our life. And one of the things that really has come up now in this battle of you know being single versus being married is calling a woman who wants a partner male-centered. And I don't think that's fair. It isn't fair at all because that isn't what male-centered means. And I saw a post the other day, and you know, a woman was asking, well, why don't women want to come out and you know, meet a bunch of military men? It was like a singles event, and you you know, I posted that maybe they just want to stay at home, right? They're tired, they're burned out, maybe they want to stay at home. But there are a whole lot of common stuff. Not every woman's male-centered, and it kind of looks like judgment and even some bitterness. And I know a lot of those women who are getting married when we were in our 20s got divorced in their 30s, 40s, 50s. They probably ended up in a relationship where they walked on eggshells, went cheated on, or you know, had to take care of the husband, but the husband didn't take care of them in return, and they're just flat out tired and exhausted. And so they're projecting, saying, I don't understand how any woman can want a relationship because they're assuming that what they experience, all women are experiencing, and that's not true. I have a lot of friends who are still married 20, 30 years later, you you know, we're in our 50s and some of them met their partner at 18 and they're still married. And yes, there's quite a few that got divorced, but the ones who are still married, most of them are happy. You know, and I could tell because I notice that as we get older, the women who are aging were more than likely in a stressful relationship. And the women who are married and looking young, looking good, are being loved and nurtured in their relationship. I just believe that to be true. And some people just get lucky or, you know, they've done the work and they're in alignment and they know how to grow together throughout the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and maintain a relationship and they know how to weather the storm. But for the women that it didn't work out for, they're just like, it's not for me. I don't see how any woman could want this. Instead of saying, It wasn't for me, hopefully it works for you if that's what you want. We're not doing that. And you know, I follow a lot of people, and I follow this one wonderful lady, and she's all about you know, single women, we can't be punished because we're not part of the patriarchy, and you you know, we're not desperate for a man and desperate for a relationship, and there's a freedom with being single, and then you see some, you know, TikToks where everything's better when you're married with kids, and then there's some people who regret getting married and have kids, right? So we're all around, and I wanted to do this big long-winded intro because women, we have to stop going against each other. We can't talk about how society isn't kind to women if we're not kind to each other. You know, we have to really start walking the talk and being more respectful of each other and each other's choices. If you want to get married and have kids, fine. If you want to stay single, fine. Everyone has their life. We have to stop with my way is the right way, and the only way in it should work for everybody. That is not true. So I wanted to discuss that before I really get into the topic, and it's gonna ruffle a few feathers, and and that's okay. But I like discussing, you know, current topics. I do, because it's what people are feeling, and I know it's what some of my clients may be feeling, and may even be uncomfortable to discuss. And I'm someone I want you to be comfortable talking to me. If I'm coaching you, I want you to feel comfortable, and I want you to feel not judge if you really, really want a relationship, or if you really, really want to be single, but let's not turn on each other, ladies. Let's just stop that because it does not work for us. And so the desire for relationship love or masculine energy doesn't make someone male-centered. Wanting love does not make you male-centered. Losing yourself for love is where the problem is because you're so caught up in I want a partner, I'm willing to walk on ages, I'm willing to be lied to, cheated on, mistreated, you know, lose myself, lose my integrity, lose my authenticity as long as I maintain a relationship. And I've seen plenty of that in my work, I've seen it with friends, family, and that's when it's a problem. That's when you are male-centered. But we're gonna go into detail about everything in this podcast. So, to further explain what male-centered really means, let's start by defining what it actually means to be male-centered. And it's not about being interested in men or or it's not about enjoying romance, it's not even about being in a relationship. That isn't what makes you male-centered. Being male-centered means your sense of self revolves around how men perceive you. That's when you have a problem. You know, the w women who are constantly acting a certain way and likes what he likes so that he'll like her and dress a certain way and act a certain way, then you've got a problem. But male-centeredness runs deeper than that. It's actually a survival, it's a trauma response. So when your worth is tied to whether you're desired, validated, or chosen, that is when you're male-centered. It's when you're when you shape shift to please, when you compete with other women for attention from a man, when your peace depends on whether a man texts you back. That's not love, that's survival mode, and that can make you male-centered. And I say that with so much compassion because you you know what? When I was younger, I was battling, and I was like, am I supposed to be doing that? That's just not comfortable for me. But it seems like that's what young girls were doing. And as I got older, I've seen older women do it because you have to remember we have been conditioned. Women have been conditioned to need a man, that we are whole, we are safe when we have a man in our life. And so that conditioning is part of the social construct that's always been there. And once women have that and it doesn't work out for them, they're done, right? So they're looking at women who are still fighting for that connection as being male-centered, but that is not what it is, right? It's bigger than that. So what I would say to you is as long as you're not exhausting and disconnecting from yourself when it comes to finding love, you're not male-centered. But when you're too forgiving, too kind, too accommodating, too patient, yes, you are male-centered. So let's talk about why being male-centered is actually a trauma response. Let's go deeper. Because this isn't about behavior, it's about a trauma physiology, abandonment wounds, right? If you grew up in an environment where love was inconsistent or conditional, your nervous system learned that connection di didn't work for you, it wasn't safety, right? Because love was conditional, and so as an adult, you may center your entire emotional world around trying to find that connection, that safety, that security, and you believe it's in another person. That's why we see some people go from one relationship to the next, then yes, that is a trauma response, and that can make you appear to be male-centered. But don't see that as a weakness. Now let's talk about the fawn response. You know, it's part of the fight, flight, freeze, but there's also fun, the response where we please and appease to play safe. So women who have trauma were taught in relationships to overgive, to accommodate, you know, to allow themselves to be mistreated. They just say it's fine, it's okay. He didn't mean it, he still loves me. So they start not knowing what healthy love is, right? So that can make them desperate for love, desperate for a relationship, and tolerate whatever god-awful situation comes their way. So that can make them look male-centered, but being male-centered is a trauma response. And hey, society conditioning. The patriarchy tells women that your value comes from being desired, from being the chosen one. And when that meets unhilled trauma, you have a perfect storm. Women who equate self-worth with romantic attention are going to do anything and everything for that attention. And they will put up with some craziness. They will even support a no-good man who's lying and cheating on them. You know, they do whatever it takes, right? Because they want to be chosen. They will compete with another woman for the same guy as if there aren't other men on the planet because they're really wanting to be chosen. And they've lost sight of he may be married, he, you know, is a player. I just want him to pick me because the trauma says, pick me, pick me. So that's what happens. So they have lost their selves and they will lose their self and a relationship to try to feel the safety of somebody else who they're never going to get approval from. If somebody's treating you that way, right, it's never going to be good. And so it becomes self-abandonment. So being male-centered is not a personality's flaw. It's your body's attempt to protect you from the pain of rejection, loneliness, or feeling invisible. And that's why shame isn't the answer, somatic healing is. You know, wanting a partner is healthy. Here's where I want to make something very clear. Wanting love doesn't make you male-centered. We are all wired for connection. The d the desire for intimacy is sacred. It's not something to judge or suppress. Even if love hasn't worked out for you in the past, it doesn't mean it'll never work out because often when love doesn't work out, we start this love doesn't love me, all men are awful, you know, love is a fantasy, is a facade, it isn't real because we're in pain. And you need to, you know, talk it out with the therapist or or coach or someone to heal that. Because what has happened to you doesn't mean that it's always true for the rest of your life. You can heal past believing that love never worked because it didn't work for you in the past. So you can want to partner and be centered in your own worth at the same time. You can still have your identity, and you can be soft and strong and open to love and give and receive love all at the same time. Being male-centered is not about desire, it's about disconnection. So when you lose your voice, your intuition, or your boundaries and pursuit of being chosen, that's when you left your center. But you can be in a healthy relationship and still keep your self-identity and your authenticity. But the key is when you're in a healthy relationship. When you have a desired partnership from a place of fullness, after you know you've done your healing work and everything, when you know your value, whether love is present or not, you're living from your truth, not your trauma. And so often when a woman is appearing male-centered, she's not living from her truth. She's living from a place of survival, and I need this validation, and it's scary to be alone, and you know, I can't do it on my own, and how can nobody's picking me or choosing me? What's wrong with me? So she's willing to fight harder for a relationship. She's willing to change who she is because she believes who she is isn't good enough, so she will be whatever that man does say she needs to be, and that's where the trouble starts, right? Because if she comes across an abusive male, he's gonna have her shape shifting, changing who she is all the time, jumping through hoops. You know, she'll never be good enough, and so it becomes very dangerous when a woman doesn't know her worth, and that's when she's in trouble. Let's talk about healing the male-centered pattern. Because if you are in that trauma, that survival, you know, have abandonment issues, fear of not being chosen, fear of not feeling worthy, because you're seeking those values that you should have inside of yourself, you know, from another person, you need to heal that pattern. So we're gonna call male-centeredness a trauma response and a pattern that can be broken. So let's talk about healing. Because once you recognize the pattern, you can reclaim your power. Here are five steps that I would say that can help you break free. Reclaim your center. And and reclaiming your center is really knowing who you are and getting back to who you are as a person and not feeling like you have to shift to be somebody who's worthy. And that may take therapy. It probably more than likely will take talking to a professional to find out why you're this way. Is there some buried trauma? Did something happen in your childhood? Because a lot of things that we do as adults happened in our childhood, right? And somehow we just kind of buried it and went on. But our current behaviors are a reflection of our childhood trauma. And you know, just our belief systems, what we're doing now. We're just trying to survive, and so it's very important to really reclaim your center by getting real about who you are and what you need to heal. So ask yourself, what do I need to feel and desire today? Make your inner world your home base again. So after you've done the work, say, what do I need? How do I feel good about myself? How do I like myself? Do you need to accept your body, accept your appearance, accept your personality, and say, hey, it didn't work for this partner or that partner, but there's a partner out there for me, and it's okay to still desire a partner, but I'm gonna be a whole person first. And this number two is about healing the inner child, what I was talking about, the childhood, right? The part of you that learned love had to be earned. It's still inside you. So talk to that child. Tell her she's safe, loved, and doesn't have to prove her worth. And talk to a therapist. I you you know, sometimes people say it's hard to find a therapist or it's expensive, but you know, do what it takes to find your right therapist. And yes, it can be expensive, but it's worth it if it makes you whole and keeps you out of unsafe situations. Find a way to make it work for you. Or talk to a pastor or or someone, talk to a professional. Talking to friends, sometimes they just parrot back and forth, and if they're in a negative place, they're gonna tell you a negative comment. I've had that happen. So talking to friends, you can vent a little bit, but really talk to a professional. And number three, you gotta regulate your nervous system every day. You gotta have some type of practice. It could be five, ten, fifteen minutes. It doesn't have to be a whole hour, it could be breath work, yoga, it could be just meditating, mindfulness, taking walks, and doing affirmations and really connecting with who you are. And that's how you help to move trauma out of the body by regulating your nervous system. It keeps you grounded, it helps you to make clearer decisions, not from desperation, and it helps you to really know your self-worth and that you deserve better. And release the competition energy. It's just too much of this nonsense amongst women, and it could be so subtle, it isn't always obvious. And so if you find yourself comparing yourself to other women or competing with them, remind yourself that love isn't scarce. There's no scarcity, there's an abundance of love. And healing ourselves helps us to align to a healthy partner. So you don't have to chase what isn't for you. What you know, you don't have to chase what's for you, and what isn't for you, you just stay away from it. By aligning yourself helps you to attract a better partner, to love yourself better, to be patient. You know, some women don't get married in their 20s and 30s, some find their partner in their 40s, 50s. You know, I've known people to have their first marriage at age 60. And so if you regulate your nervous system, heal your inner child, go through therapy, stop competing, it'll make you patient for the right partner. Instead of feeling feeling like you're running out of time, my clock, my biological clock, nothing's working. I've gotta rush, rush, rush, hurry, hurry, hurry, find that partner. Because when you're deser desperate, you're gonna pick the wrong partner. And I've seen that, I've seen people go, I just make this one work. You know, I'm tired of looking and I don't want to start over. You know, this fear of starting over keeps people stuck in bad relationships. And I've heard that a lot. It is not just wanting to be alone, it's oh I gotta start over with another person, and at least I know what this is. It may sucks, but I know what this is. And a lot, that's why a lot of people stay in unhealthy relationships because it's familiar and they think that they can navigate it, but they don't realize they're being stuck in fight or flight, and they have a dysregulated nervous system, and they're not happy. Versus if you're willing to you know heal yourself, align yourself, you can align with a healthier partner and experience the connection that you really want. And that's how you number five choose a conscious partnership by centering yourself. Don't chase love, you choose it. You look for reciprocity, safety, and growth. So I wanted to make that very clear that yes, you can break free from desperation, and it's more than okay to want a partner. Let's start with this. Oh, if somebody wants a partner, they're male-centered, they're desperate. No, they just want a partner. We are designed for connection and partnership, and sometimes it's nice to be single, and sometimes it's nice to be in a relationship. So this is how I want to close this out. The next time someone says a woman is male-centered because she wants love, remember this. It's not the desire that's unhealthy, it's the self-abandonment that often hides beneath it. So as long as she's not abandoners abandoning herself, it's fine. Being male-centered isn't about men, it's about a misplace centered. And what I mean by that is that it may look like, oh, she's man, man, I need a man focusing on men, but really she's just lost herself. And so a woman who looks male-centered has to get back to finding her center and her worth and that will cut all of that out. When we heal our trauma, regulate our bodies, and remember who we are, we stop orbiting around someone else's approval and return and we return to our own light. I mean, people do this with family members, they do it with friendships, you know, not just relationships. And remember, you're the center of your universe. And if you can remember that, you won't need anybody else's approval. Either they align with you or let their energy drop off. You can be open to love and deeply grounded in self-worth at the same time. It's not either or. You can receive masculine energy and remain in your feminine wholeness. It's not if you want a man, you're no longer an independent woman. There are women who are in relationships that have their own identity and their integrity, and they have some form of independence, but they also have a partner. You can want connection without losing your center. You can because true empowerment isn't about rejection, it's about reclaiming, reclamation, reclaiming yourself and knowing who you are. So I want to thank you for joining and listening this up to this episode. I think it's a very important topic because it drives me kind of like, I don't want to say crazy, but it just kind of annoys me how we're in this black or white either or either you want a relationship and you're male-centered, or you're single and you're independent and you're doing it right and you're not male-centered, and you're proving a point, and it's ridiculous, or you know, to be in a relationship and say, What's wrong with you? Why are you single? You know, we have to women, come on now. Yeah, you know, come on now, enough of this, enough of this mess. It's messy and it's sad and it's wrong, and it's not the way we're supposed to be treating each other. We all want different things in life, and we just have to do it in a healthy way. And I'm discussing singleness and relationships and being male centered or not, but really it goes back to live and let live, stay in your business, work on who you want to be, and allow people to be who they are. And again, thank you for listening and have an amazing day.