Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Why “If They Loved You, They’d Try” Gets Relationships Wrong

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 12

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Forget the fairy tale rule that “if they loved you, they’d move mountains.” Real relationships aren’t built on dramatic chases and grand gestures; they’re built on capacity, healing, and the quiet courage to show up every day. I’m unpacking why desire alone doesn’t drive consistent behavior and how trauma, attachment styles, and nervous system patterns shape what partners can realistically give.

We dig into the gap between wanting and doing, and why so much dating advice assumes emotionally regulated people who don’t actually exist in the wild. You’ll learn why avoidant partners can run from what they want, why anxious partners protest instead of connect, and why love never overrides fear, shame, or grief. Then we get practical: how to set early expectations without sounding transactional, what healthy consistency looks like, and why vulnerability is the tool for testing safety rather than the prize for already feeling safe.

I’ll give you a simple lens to evaluate alignment: capacity over chemistry, steady contact over constant performance, repair over retreat. You’ll leave with prompts to define your standards and deal breakers, language to ask for what you need, and clarity to release misaligned connections without bitterness. Desire without capacity is confusion. Love without safety is pain. Chemistry without consistency is chaos. Choose the relationship that regulates with you, respects you, and meets you where you are.

If this spoke to you, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review so more people can find these tools. What’s one small daily behavior that makes you feel most loved? Tell me.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today I'm going to talk about a phrase that I see a lot on social media and I kind of cringe and I hear from clients and uh you you know, it's shocking to me that we think it's such a black white mindset, either it's one way or another way. And really life I always say is gray, is somewhere in between. Um and we're people and dealing with people, we are complicated creatures. So nothing's very simple in the human experience. And you know, over twenty-five years now doing readings and talking to people and really getting to understand human behavior. I would say life is more layered, more complicated, and a little bit messy. And it's something that we have to start looking at differently and y you know, stop with general responses. Too many people are making these quotes are not working with people. They're they're making quotes that just they resonate with them, they make sense to them, and it's gonna appeal to other people who wish that it was that way. And and that becomes a problem because if you're not working with people or understanding them, you can't just say whatever. A lot of things that well, gee, just about all of what I say is because I learned it from working with people. Always say all the education in the world means nothing until you put it to work, right? You start working with people, and that is what I consider important. My clients are my teachers, they made me me. I would not be me without my clients teaching me. So I really appreciate my work, and that's probably why I've done readings for so long and coach for so long, and you know, I I love learning and I appreciate what I've learned. And so I'm gonna get to this phrase, and I don't like it, but I decided that it was time to do a podcast about it. Okay, the phrase is if they loved you, they would move mountains to be with you. If they cared, they would show you. I I see it in different forms, right? Another form is if a man wants to pursue you, he's gonna do all it takes if he's really interested. And you know, on the surface it makes sense, right? You go after what you want, but if you think about it this way, a lot of people have all sorts of desires and dreams and wants, right? They want that job, they want that education, they want, you know, the travel of the world, etc. etc. You know, but they don't go after it, but they still want it. And the reason why is because there's some block there, right? There is a mental block that is stopping them from going after what they want. Maybe they've got unhealed trauma, maybe they don't feel worthy of it, maybe they don't feel like they deserve it, maybe they feel like, okay, I need more training, I need more education, I need to make more money. There's a thousand and one reasons why people don't go after their dreams, so why would it be different with another human of romantic interest? And you know, we just never bridge that gap. So let's take a breath with that. Let's, you know, take an inhale and an exhale and just kind of ground so that you can hear this out. Because a lot of people aren't gonna like what I have to say, but to me, because I work with people, it's become like, oh, this makes sense. I hate to say common sense, but it makes sense because I read a lot of people and I talk to people all the time who once want to take action and they're hurt and disappointed. And then I talk to people where I say, you gotta take action, you gotta make a move, and they don't with someone because they fear rejection, they fear it won't work, they fear making a fool of themselves, they just fear, fear, fear. So let's stop with this. If they love you, they will do X, Y, and Z. And if they don't, they just don't care. And I'm not doing this podcast to say put up with someone who isn't ready, but I'm saying understand that it's not black and white, and we have to understand a person's mental capacity because a lot of people are stuck in life, and if you're stuck professionally, you're more likely stuck personally, you you know, and there's reasons for it because of what you went through, and you have not healed. So, on the surface, this sounds very romantic, like, oh, if you find the right person, they're gonna pursue, pursue, and it sounds like certainty, devotion, clarity. It it makes you feel, oh, like I want it, they're pursuing me, and especially a lot of women want to be pursued. But in the real world, in the world of trauma, grief, nervous system, dysregulation, attachment wounds, you know, abandonment wounds, um, the lack of emotional capacity, you know, and human complexity, it's not that simple. Today we're gonna break this down and talk about why love isn't enough. It really isn't, because you think about a lot of people love someone or something and they don't act on it. But it's interesting. We see our lack of action, but when other when the person that we want to take action doesn't take it, we're mad, and that makes no sense. Give them the grace that you want to receive. So, why people don't always show up the way you want, even if they don't care, is another thing we would discuss. And how trauma shapes how available we are for relationships, because when you think about a lot of people who are unhealed or out there having relationships, they are serial daters, right? They go from one relationship to the next because they're running from their self, they're practicing self-avoidance, they figure they just fall for another person, and that will make them feel better. And so a lot of unhealed people are looking for someone to make them feel good and feel validated, to give them the love that they want. Um, so the dating world is messy, it very much is, and that's why you can't just say that if they care they move mountains, because that's assuming that everybody's emotionally healthy, have strong self-esteem, go after what they want in life, and make all the moves. And I know that in especially in American culture, we think that that Y chromosome that men have means that they're gonna take action and they never get hurt and they're never offended, and they don't fear rejection, and they're just gonna go after the woman and chase her down, you know, very primal mindset. So we're also gonna discuss why someone has an inability to show up and why it isn't proof that you're unlovable or they don't care, and how seeing past your pain clarifies reality, you know, and we discuss how to move forward with sovereignty and self-worth. So let's dig in. The myth of moving mountains, good lord. I even I even hate saying it because I've been doing this for so long, and it just doesn't work. The phrase, if they loved you, they would move mountains, makes relationships sound almost Hollywood-like, right? Just like a natural pursuit. You don't have to wonder, worry. You know that they care and they're going to constantly show you for somebody who is looking for someone to pursue them. You might be seeking validation through that person pursuing you left and right, giving you constant validation that they want you, and that's also a problem because what is the equal amount of measurement of pursuit, right? And moving mountains, is it all day contact? What if they're in a job where they can't contact all day? Is it what? Is it constantly getting flowers, saying I love you, I want you, I desire you? Um, what is it? And we will all measure that differently. I don't want to be contacted throughout the day. You know, it's like good morning, good evening, are you having a good day? And that's it. But a lot of people freak out that if they haven't heard from someone a couple hours, does the person still care? And so that's a problem because it is really putting a lot of pressure on someone else to make you feel safe when there's some underlying trauma. So this mindset isn't good on either end. It's not good for the person who's expected to pursue and for the person who wants the person to pursue. So this isn't healthy love. And real love isn't always traumatic, it isn't like this, and trauma-informed love can't look like that. You can't constantly just pour reassurance into someone. The person who needs constant reassurance has to go to therapy, they have to heal what's beneath the surface, but instead of expecting someone to validate them. People don't move mountains, people move within the limits of their capacity. Period. End of story, and that's the truth. So, you know, let's keep it real. And a lot of times people don't even discuss up front what they expect in a relationship, and if people would just do that, life would be easier. And a lot of times, when I'm talking to people, I'm like, Well, did you tell them what you want? Well, no, I just thought they know because they care, and it's because this universal belief system, right? This nonsense that if somebody loves you or cares for you, they're gonna know what you need. Not if you don't tell them, because we all need different things and we all expect different things. So here's the truth: love doesn't override trauma. If a person's insecure or stressed or nervous about being in a relationship, even if they like someone, they're not gonna dig in, right? And so forget about that. Love doesn't override mental health, and it doesn't override avoidance, fear, shame, grief, overwhelm, fear of rejection. It just doesn't. We gotta stop with this. It's it's crazy. Some people love you deeply but cannot regulate their own emotions, they don't feel confident enough, secure enough. I mean, some people want to hear I love you, but then you know, from their partner, but they don't say it back because they still don't feel safe. There's too many wounded people trying to date, and that's part of well, that's a huge part of the problem. And so people who can love you deeply, they may not be able to communicate honestly or be a consistent person. Some people just aren't consistent, they're probably that way in their friendships, also. So don't think that love is gonna be different. How we do anything is how we do everything. Yeah, you know, so maybe they can't sit with their own pain, so they're not gonna sit with yours, and they're not showing up for themselves, so how are they gonna show up for you? And commitment, a lot of people are commitment phobes, they love the idea of a relationship, but what it means to have one and to show up and be committed freaks them out for many reasons, and there's many layers, you know. If you ever want me to go deeper into a topic, just leave a message, email me at dr. Donnelly at drdonnay.com and I do it because I love talking about all this stuff, and so they don't know how to lead, and we think men have it in their DNA that they should just lead and know how to lead. Did you know there's like 4,300 cultures where in the world where women are the ones that lead the relationship and court the guy and propose to the guy? And so we assume so many things because as I always say, a lot of our belief systems are social constructs that don't really work. And you know, some people they give love, but they're uncomfortable with receiving love, and even you know, they're uncomfortable with giving it too sometimes, so it's messy. You know, love isn't easy for a lot of people. We we see it as this dreamy thing that if you care, you know what to do, and that just isn't so. And it's not because you're unworthy why they're not pursuing, it's because their nervous system is doing the driving and saying none of this is safe. Even if you like this person, you think they're beautiful, they're wonderful, none of this is safe for you to pursue. And we don't know this until we get involved with someone, but that's why I always tell people have some direct conversations up front. Don't let time pass. Don't wait to see if it's worth it. Stop wasting your time. See if people are on the same page as you are. You know, you know, if we can do that, life will be easier, and we are there wouldn't be so many people shocked later. You see, there's signs along the way, but we don't see them because we're so busy running from confrontation and speaking our feelings, so things get really messy later. So you might as well have the conversation up front and say how many times you want to be contacted, what do you expect out of this? What do you expect me to do? You know, what are you gonna do? Just have the conversations up front. And if you're scared to have conversations, I'm just gonna put it straight. You're not ready to date. You can't we gotta stop with this. If someone loves you, they're gonna help you unpack your baggage. Yes, you're gonna do healing together. We always do our relationships, but you gotta come available to do that work. You can't say, Well, I do it later when we're in love. You gotta communicate now. So let's talk about how trauma shapes how people show up. When trauma, when someone loves you and they don't step up, it's tempting to think they must not care. They don't value me. If I mattered, they'd be here. And it's not that simple. I hate these generic statements because it's always deeper than that. But trauma changes the way that love is expressed. If a person is avoidant attachment, they make people run from what they want. It if you have avoidant attachment, you will run from what you want. If you're an anxious attachment person, you you may be scared of people clinging to you, you know? And if you freeze, you may shut down before leaning into the relationship. And shame makes people hide, grief makes people withdraw. I knew not to date when I lost my son. I knew. I knew I wasn't in a place, and there were men wanting to be there for me, and even my ex wanted to be there for me, and you know, comfort me, and that may sound good, but I knew that wasn't fair to them. I was not emotionally available. Depression makes people numb. There's a lot of people walking around with mild depression, not just clinical, but mild depression, and so people aren't expressing their emotions to themselves. So, how are they gonna express it to you? So, some people literally don't have the emotional, mental, or spiritual capacity to love you in the way you desire. That's why you want to have discussions up front, and this is not because you're asking for too much, it's because they're equipped to do too little. Love doesn't cure trauma. We need to stop thinking that. That's just nonsense therapy. Doing the work is what helps to manage trauma and navigate through it. Trauma often limits how love can be expressed. So let's keep that in mind, okay? Emotional capacity is not universal. Okay, that's why you can't say if somebody loves you, they will do X, Y, and Z, they care, they move mountains. They can't if they don't have that emotional capacity. One thing I want everyone to understand, okay, you know, even the strong, intuitive, empathic women is this not everyone has the same emotional capacity, even people who have healed or healing, have different levels of emotional capacity. There isn't like you know, a full cup and a half full cup and two-thirds of a way full cup. It's just different for everyone, and so we have to stop assuming that. If you're at that level and they're not, that's not your person. So that's another thing. Stop trying to make somebody be your person that is not your person. That's how you get out of alignment, and that's how you get in a bad relationship in a bad marriage, and life sucks. So, because your capacity was built through, you know, healing. You healed your grief, you healed your loss, and you know, you have self-awareness, you did therapy, you did semantic work, spiritual practices, and conscious growth. Not everybody's doing that. Some people have no interest in healing because they're like, this was done to me, why do I have to heal it? A lot of people can't face their pain. So some people have never done that work. Some people are still stuck in survival mode. We're all at different stages in life, whether we're in our 30s, 40s, 50s, whatever age, we're all in a different place. So some people are coping with anxiety, depression, addiction, undiagnosed trauma, unresolved childhood wounds, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of being seen. And so, guess what? They got some stuff going on. They're not bad people, they're not a jerk. It's not that they don't care. They're trying to move forward in life and date, but they're really not ready. So our capacities are not equal. And love cannot stretch a person beyond the limits of their healing. If you can remember anything, I'm gonna say it again for everyone to hear. The people in the back, the people who may not want to hear this, love cannot stretch a person beyond the limits of their healing. Period. End of story. That's not negotiable. It's not if you're prettier, it's not if you have nice clothes and make good money and educated and look better than the other women, and you're good in the bed. None of that matters. It's all irrelevant, and that's another social construct, shallow belief that we have. Just be better than the other girls. Don't be like the other girls. It doesn't work. Period. So see past your own pain. When we are hurt or feeling rejected or disappointed, our pain becomes a narrator, right? Pain says if they care if they try harder. Like I hear people say, Will they fight for me? Will they fight for me? Not if that's who they are, not who they are. If I mattered, they wouldn't make excuses. If they wanted me, they show up. These thoughts feel true, but they're not always reality. Because pain is self-referential, you know, it only tells a story from your perspective. But when we pause, breathe, and regulate our own system, we can ask, what else might be true? What's going on with this person? Are they even comfortable dating? Should they be dating? Are they going through something? You know, we can look at something outside of our point of view. We're evolving, we're growing, we're mature. You know, what is their emotional capacity right now? What is their trauma pattern? What are they afraid of? What are they unable to do, not willing to do? Seeing past your pain doesn't mean tolerating disrespect or inconsistency. It means acknowledging their inability to show up isn't proof that you're unlovable. It's proof that they're unhealed and they're just not ready. Period. And when you see this clearly, the story changes for you. So instead of saying they don't love me, it becomes they love me within their limits. And that may not work for you, so you move on. But your limit because your limits do matter too, right? And so you're not in alignment. And sometimes when we're dating, we're tired of searching, we don't want to start over, whatever's going on. But if you stay in a situation where they're not at your capacity to love, you're gonna suffer. It just doesn't work. So love requires action, not heroics. Let's be real. You shouldn't need someone to move mountains to love you, but you should expect consistency, communication, accountability, respect, emotional safety, growth, and effort. Those are things that you should expect. But all this, you know, crazy, well, you know, move mountain stuff, what is that? And that can be defined differently. What is that? Healthy love is not about grand gestures, it's about small daily behaviors. You're checking in, you're listening, you're being honest, you're owning mistakes, you're showing up even when you don't feel good enough, you know, so you're imperfectly showing up, you're regulating your emotions instead of reacting. It's not mountain moving, it's emotional maturity, is what you should be seeking. And not everyone has that yet. Period. End of story. And the more healing you do on yourself, the harder it is going to find somebody. But that doesn't mean don't heal, because at least when you find someone, it's like, oh, this can work. So what you deserve, okay? You deserve someone who regulates instead of disappearing, right? You need someone who can show up for you, who can communicate instead of avoiding. And that and this goes for you too. We got to be what we want to attract. You can't expect other people to do something that you're not willing to do. People, you want someone that chooses healing over chaos, sees your heart and protects your heart, has a capacity, not just a desire, to show up and be in a relationship with you. Can meet you where you are. Okay? Isn't intimidated by your death, by your success, by your beauty, by who you are. Doesn't shut down when life gets hard because there's always something. We're always gonna have problems. You get one of one one problem, another one shows up. That's just life. It doesn't all go away. Okay? Desire without capacity is confusion. Love without safety is pain. Okay, abusers tell the person they're abusing, I love you. So love's nothing without it being healthy. Chemistry without consistency is chaos. People have to stop this. Well, I want to feel chemistry and an instant connection. Those things are built over time, okay. All this instant chemistry stuff, let's stop with that. That's old school. You deserve more than mountains being moved in moments of panic. You deserve someone who chooses you in small moments every single day. So, how are you gonna move forward if you're in a situation like this? Okay, sit back and ask yourself what is your capacity? Are you showing up fully? Can you receive love? What feels good to your nervous system? What are your expectations? What behaviors align with your safety? People don't write this stuff out. You know, there's still some people like, well, I need him to be tall. Who cares if he's short, if he's the package? Okay, what am I available for? Are you totally available to communicate and be vulnerable and show love, not just receive it so that you feel safe? What am I not willing to negotiate anymore? What are your deal breakers? What will you not put up with? Be honest with yourself, okay? Don't just try to make something fit, you know, don't try to make a square fit in a circle. Okay. The answer to these questions becomes your standard. And here's the spiritual truth. When someone cannot meet your standard, it doesn't mean the connection was meaningless. It means that the assignment is complete, and now you know, hey, you're staying in your truth, you know what you want, you're not settling. You can release them with compassion and not bitterness. Just don't make it about they don't care. It's deeper than that. So the next time you hear if they loved you, they moved mountains. I want you to remember it's not that simple. People show up based on nervous system patterns, trauma, emotional capacity, mental health, coping skills, self-worth, and their relationship with vulnerability. If you're not willing to be vulnerable, you should not be in a relationship. You are not ready. Vulnerability doesn't come when you feel safe. You have to be vulnerable in order to see if you're safe with that person. And if you don't feel safe, you get out. So none of that has anything to do with your value. If these people can't show up that you're pursuing, your worth is not measured by someone else's wounds. Stop doing that. We do that too much. Okay, you deserve someone whose capacity matches your desire. You deserve a love that feels calm, not chaotic. So, you know, I I just wanted to do this, and thank you for being here today and listening to this podcast. And hopefully, you learned something from it that will help you. And so, if this podcast resonated, listen to it again, share it, rate it. Ask me to do more in-depth, you know, parts of a podcast that go into some of this stuff even deeper. So honor your body, don't just give it to anybody because there's chemistry and there's connection. Honor your truth and honor your heart. And remember, love isn't about moving mountains, love is deeper than that. Thank you for listening and have an amazing day.