Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Walking Away From Toxic Family Dynamics During The Holidays

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 13

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Holiday lights don’t erase old wounds. We open up about the pressure to show up at family gatherings when the dynamics are toxic, and why choosing distance can be the most loving move you make for your mental health. Through personal story, hard-won lessons, and years of listening to callers who face the same seasonal dread, we break down how guilt, conditioning, and assigned family roles keep people stuck in rooms that undo their progress.

You’ll hear how early loss, poverty, and unhealed siblings forged patterns of people-pleasing, freezing, and fawning—and why the body remembers what the mind tries to rationalize. We talk plainly about the myth that healing yourself heals others, the danger of returning to environments that deny accountability, and the right to say no without justifying or performing. If “home” feels like walking into a battlefield of unresolved trauma, you are not obligated to attend for the sake of appearances. You don’t owe an abuser your presence. You don’t owe tradition your mental health.

We also map a path forward. Learn how to name and release holiday guilt, replace old scripts with sturdy boundaries, and design new rituals that nourish you: a quiet day, a chosen family dinner, a solo adventure, a letter to your younger self, or simply rest. Grief for the family you wished for can coexist with pride in the life you’re building now. Expect pushback when you break roles like fixer, peacemaker, or scapegoat—and take it as a sign of growth, not failure.

If you’ve been waiting for permission, here it is: you are allowed to choose peace, healing, and yourself. Subscribe for more honest conversations about trauma, boundaries, and building traditions that love you back. If this resonated, share it with someone who needs to hear it and leave a review to help others find the show.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today I want to talk about the holiday season and the pressure to have dinner with family and friends that you do not have a healthy relationship with. This is something that I had to do many years ago. After my mom died, it really, I mean, there's probably little issues, especially with an older sibling, but once my mother died, things got crazy. My mother died when I was 12, and then I got pregnant, and there was all these family dynamics. We were all like in different directions. Nobody went to therapy. I didn't even know what therapy was at that time. Um to heal like our trauma being poor and and just my mom dying and it separating all of us, and you know, it became uncomfortable to spend holidays together, and there would be arguing and fighting, and I remember when I was like 26. I had got dressed, I had sent my son, it was his father's turn to have him. I got dressed, and something said, stay home. Stay home. You don't need to go deal with the BS. Just stay home. And I had nothing cooked. I where I lived, I could have gone over to a friend's house. I could have done something, but I stayed home and I watched TV and it felt so good. I didn't feel bad. I didn't I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. And you know, one of my sisters is a really good cook. She does the whole Martha Stewart thing, but there's a lot of dysfunction there. But she would do the whole Martha Stewart nice Christmas, you know, put on the nice appearance, but the person is not healthy. And you know, all of my siblings, we may love each other, but it just doesn't work for us to be around each other. And there's been problems throughout the year years, and you know, I have one sibling with an untreated personality disorder, and that makes it hard. And so I, you know, and after that I went to a few holidays when there were good moments, but I never felt pressure to do it again. And sometimes I would just have Thanksgiving at home or with friends, or if I was dating with that partner, um, and it was wonderful. It was wonderful to be free like that. And I didn't think that many people were going through that because remember, there was no internet you know, when I was 26. The internet didn't come on till I was like 29, 30, you know, and people didn't discuss personal things that much, a little bit on talk shows, but you know, that stuff's all edited, and people weren't really talking about family problems because there is this social norm, cultural pressure that blood is thicker than water, and family's everything, and no matter what, there's your they're your family, and you should put up with whatever because that's your family, and there's a solution. So a lot of people feel pressure to be within a family, even if it's unhealthy. So then we get to the point where I start doing readings on King, and I started like right after my birthday, so it's Christmas time, right? And I'm getting these calls from a lot of people who are drunk, and they're talking to me, and you know, sometimes you just want someone to talk to versus a reading, and they're just like, I don't want to go home. You know, I had a relative, molest me. You know, I gotta deal with the the mom who's always upset and want to argue, or the cold father, or are you know the siblings fighting something, right? It was always some awful thing. And I mean, probably 70% of my calls at the time was related to holiday stress and going home, and you know, they would share stuff with me because I can't see them, we're over the phone, I'm not a therapist, I can't diagnose them, I can't judge them. I'm an ear and they're telling me what's going on, and it's like, whoa, I realize that all walks of life, race, religion, you you know, a lot of us have this common thing with family dysfunction. But you know, nobody wants to call their family dysfunctional because it makes you feel bad and look bad. And I've seen people do the mental gymnastics to pretend like like the mistreatment wasn't as bad, and you you know, they're trying to have a relationship with someone, their parent, and the parent isn't, you know, able to accept what they could have done differently as a parent. And you know, parents were once taught that children are to be seen and not heard, and so uh whatever you did to your kids, you're justified because you were the adult, right? And so it was messy for a lot of people, and but it reaffirmed my decision to really, you know, cut back on family things, and I really haven't done any family anything probably since my son's funeral 17 years ago. And you know, that's wonderful. I mean, here and there, I try to do it with one sibling, but that sibling just always wants to fight and complain about us being poor. So I'm bringing this up because I see the post online and a lot of my you know bl my podcasts and blogs are about what I read online. It's like, well, I have experience with that, so I'm gonna talk about it. And I see the stress that people care. Because the holidays are not the most wonderful time of the year for everyone. Yeah, there's people grieving, you know, during holidays. There there's so many things going on, but I'm gonna focus on this family trauma dysfunction. And then I haven't seen the over show, but I guess she has something about cutting off family, and yeah, you know, it's still like something that we're getting more and more comfortable with talking about. I know for the longest when I would mention that I walked away from my family, people look at me like, Are you the problem? You know, you're the one who walked away, right? Now we know that a lot of times the one who got healthy because I eventually did therapy and worked on myself and continue to work on myself, I was able to walk away and get in a better place where I don't want to do dysfunctional patterns and I don't love anyone that much. And I have a relative, he goes, Well, this is your family, and and you know, because he's an in-law, and I said, I don't give a F. I'm not living like this. It you know, family isn't everything if it's dysfunctional. So I want to talk about this pressure to go home for the holidays, even when home was never safe. Sadly for a lot of people, they had the outer look, right? Both parents, you know, house, nice car, whatever, they were able to go to a good college, but they weren't safe at home. And, you know, when I reflect back on you know that time, and I still get calls like that, but it's less and less because I think people are finding their strength to walk away. And no, it's not a trend. It's just that people are feeling safer to say, I don't have to be in places that hurt my heart, that stress me out, that gives me anxiety, that makes me want to drink and get high, and I don't have to do it to cope. Because, of course, if or drinking excessively, you know, people drink during the holidays, they drink socially, whatever. But if you're drinking so much, you're trying to disconnect from pain, right? It's painful to feel connected. So remember, you know, just because people don't have their families, it doesn't mean that they can't create a safe world for themselves. But home, going back home isn't safe for many reasons. It doesn't feel like love. It can be like walking into a battlefield of old wounds, unresolved trauma, people who refuse to acknowledge the harm that they cause. So today, I'm like, let's give ourselves permission to just talk about the uncomfortable things. My podcasts are really about uncomfortable stuff because I wanted to not just be Pollyanna uplifting. You can be your greatest thing because I know that it took a lot of inner self-work for me to feel worthy of manifesting and having a good life, um, despite trauma. And so I know it's not that easy to go, you can do it too, you can be great. It's the pain because there's if there's pain beneath, you can't get to where you want to go. And so my podcast is about helping people to get to where they want to go. So, what I would like to say to you is that if it feels uncomfortable in any way to go home, don't. Don't. It may feel awkward, you may feel like, oh my god, my family's gonna be upset. Oh my goodness, I'm saying no. You're gonna feel triggered, you're gonna feel uncomfortable. Talk to a professional about this before you start going home and walking into a battlefield that's gonna whack your nervous system and dregulate it and set you back, especially if you're in therapy now and you don't feel strong enough to go home, don't go home. It'll just wipe out a lot of the work that you have done. So you're allowed to choose peace over tradition, you're allowed to choose healing over expectations, you're allowed to choose yourself. And you know, the reason why holiday guilt is so strong, because the pressure to go home isn't even about love. It's about conditioning, it's about, you know, social norms, it's about this is what you do. Your family gets together. And I remember feeling awkward, like, oh my goodness, I'm not hanging out with family. People are probably like, what's wrong with me? And why don't I want to be there? And am I going through something? Because, you know, there are times I just stayed at home, but the day went just as fast being at home, you know, well, you know, without going anywhere for a holiday. Um, and most of us were raised with messages like family is everything. It's the holidays. You have to be there. It doesn't matter what happened, they're still your family, right? We were raised with this stuff. You're being dramatic, you know. We definitely love to gaslight people. Um, don't ruin Christmas. And you probably have a parent that's guilt in you saying, You're gonna ruin the holidays by not being there. Because a lot of times, if you have a narcissistic parent, they're all about appearances, right? And even though they're gonna give everybody hell, they like the illusion. And I've seen that with um, you know, a few people who have narcissistic parents, and you know, I went to a few holidays and I'm like, oh, this is something that I ran away from. You know, you can see that whole image thing, but the dysfunction was there, and so it's like you're being forced to keep the peace. This is part of people pleasing and overgiving. Don't upset anyone, right? You just go home, you suck it up, and you deal with it. And if you grew up in trauma, you learn to freeze, to avoid conflict, too fa too fawn, you know, people please to stay small, to keep the peace at the cost of yourself, and more than likely you carry that into relationships if you haven't gone to therapy, right? So you're used to keeping the peace. And I know a lot of people they don't do things because they're so scared of people being mad at them. So guess what? The holidays activates this whole pressure. So the pressure's there, right? To go home so you don't ruin Christmas, don't upset your parents, don't upset your family, don't be the one that's not cooperating. But your body remembers the yelling, the criticism, the walking on eggshells. Your nervous system remembers the fear of being shamed, ignored, and validated, you know, just whatever you went through at home. So when you think about going home, your adult brain says it's just for a few days. But your little inner child or the whatever stage you're traumatized says, please don't make me go back there. So there's this battle, right? Of oh, it's just a couple days I can handle it. You'll be triggered. Trust me, I have people call me and confirm they were triggered, the ones who did go home. And that is why the guilt is so heavy. You're not just battling expectations, you're battling the wounded part of yourself who survived that upbringing. So, guess what? You're not required to enter an unsafe space. You're not, and it takes time to give yourself permission. It took me time, it takes people time. You know, it takes going a few times after saying you won't go, and to feel bad and to feel know that when you get home, it's gonna take some time to emotionally recover. And if you have a therapist, you're probably gonna be speed dialing them to talk to them. But guess what? You get to say no. Let's say I'm gonna say it, I'm gonna be clear. You do not owe anyone your attendance to a gathering that harms you, you do not owe your abuser a seat at your table, or you don't have to sit at their table. You do not owe your childhood home one more moment of your energy. You do not owe tradition your mental health. So you do not owe tradition your mental health. I'm saying that twice because that's what these things are about, is traditions, right? And it's sold to us in the media and everything. It's Christmas time, the best time of the year, and it's time for family and connection and spending time, and so it's hard. But here's the hardest truth. Just because you've been through therapy doesn't mean they have change. Healing yourself did not heal them, it just helps it, it's helping you. So you're going backwards, you know, um by being there if it's uncomfortable for you. And you have grown, you may have done the work, you may have worked on your triggers, your boundaries, your voice, your nervous system regulation, but if you walk into the same environment with the same people who refuse to take accountability, nothing changes. And you may get triggered and set back. And if you had an addiction problem, you may fall back into it. Anything can happen. Healing does not mean you must reconnect. Healing does not mean you must tolerate, you must endure. Healing does not mean you must expose yourself to the past. Healing does not mean you must give them another chance. But sometimes we give people chance after chance, just hoping, right? That love conquers all, which we know it doesn't. If a person's unhealed, they only can meet us where they're at, at the level of their growth, you know. But at one point, you don't have to give a person another chance if they keep on hurting you. Healing actually means you now get to choose what is healthy for you, even if no one else understands that choice. People didn't understand my choice, and my family was saying I was acting high and mighty, and who do I think I am? I'm not better than them. It's like, but I'm not gonna be dysfunctional with y'all anymore either. So you're gonna be judged, but you get to choose what is healthy for you. So how does unhealthy families manipulate holiday expectations? Let's talk about the patterns that I see just about every year, you know? And I'm seeing it online because I I'm nosy online. I wouldn't understand people. You know, you guys are my greatest teacher and I'm grateful. Um when you try to set a boundary around the holidays with a dysfunctional family, you may hear, so you think you're better than us now? That's what I heard. Um, therapy changed you. You know, yep. Don't you love us? Yeah, I love you, but I need to keep a distance. Um, you're ruining Christmas. Well, I'm just gonna have to be the one that ruined Christmas. Call me the Grinch, whatever. Everybody else is coming. That's great. May they all have a good time, but you don't have to be there. I certainly chose not to be there. We're a family, this is what we do. Yes, some families have toxic patterns that they do over and over, and you could choose not to be a part of it. And the ultimate manifestative term that is used so much in so many ways, but definitely in this way is you're being selfish. Because anytime you break away from the norm of the family, you're being selfish, but no, you're taking care of yourself. So, what they're really saying is you breaking the pattern threatens the role we need you to play. That's what they're saying. And you guess what? You're breaking the pattern, and it's hard at first, it's emotional. You cry, you know, I did extra therapy around it. But eventually you're like, I gotta take care of myself. I'm all I got at the end of the day. No matter who's in your life, you gotta take care of you. You gotta be number one. Um, in dysfunctional families, each person is assigned a role: the peacemaker, the scapegoat, the fixer, the quiet one, the strong one, the emotional trash can, the good child. There's the problem child, there's pitting the kids against each other, you're not like your brother. How come you didn't get a career like your sister? You know, how come you're failing? There's so many things that go on in a family. And at one time I was a peacemaker, at one time I was a fixer, another time I was a scapegoat, and I have been the quiet one because I just had given up. And when you heal, you stop performing whatever role you had in the family, and when you stop performing it, the whole system gets shaken up. It does shake everything up, and that's a good thing. But that shakeup does not mean you're doing something wrong, it means you're doing something brave, it's bravery. So if you've done healing work, going home may set you back. That it probably will. This is one of the biggest truths I want everyone to understand. Progress can be undone by re-entering the environment where the pain was created. You can't get healing from the place that hurt you. Even when it's your family and you want to love them. You probably have to love them from a distance for quite some time. And if you want to build later, make sure you're strong enough. Make sure you've crossed a hurdle with your therapist or whoever you're working with before you enter a relationship with someone who hurt you. That's if you want to, but you don't have to. So you can be emotionally aware, somatically regulated, spiritually grounded, meditatively centered, and still be triggered the moment someone says one sentence that used to break you. You're not weak, you're human. So that's why we have to be careful. Nobody fully heals from anything, right? We could do a lot of healing, but I still have triggers. I I believe everybody does. Your nervous system formed its patterns there, right? And so, of course, being in that environment activates the old trauma loops. It's not your fault. It's biology. It's physiology. You know? It it's deep. And sometimes the most powerful step in your healing journey is saying, I have I love myself enough to not go back there. Because really healing is about finding self-love, self-worth, self-respect, all the things that the third chakra, you know, the solar plexus, but really it's the first three chakras, feeling rooted, grounded, safe. You you know, finding who out who you are, and then you can find your worthiness, and loving yourself is what's gonna save you. And once you know that you love yourself enough, the guilt will go away. So it's time to create new traditions. It really is. Let's talk about creating new rituals because the hardest part of skipping the holidays is the grief of what you wish you had. And there are some grieving times. Sometimes I think, oh, it'd be nice. You know, I got kind of a big family and it's expanding, you know, I got more second generation nieces, nephews, you know, everybody's having kids. It's great. It would be nice if we all could get together, but that's not reality. So now you can, you know, create your own tradition, and you may want a warm family. So work on having the family that you want. You can create a loving home, you can have peaceful conversations. Or, you know, you don't have to be triggered all the time. Laughter in the kitchen, right? People who genuinely see you and respect how you feel And when you choose not to go home, you're not just breaking the old tradition, you're giving you're grieving the fantasy of what family could have been, but it is not. And that's hard. But here's the gift you get to create new traditions. Ask yourself what is the holiday feeling I've always wanted, and how can I create that for myself? And so really sit down and think about it and write about it. So we're you, you know, I'm also very much a somatic grief coach. You may be grieving, you know, about the holidays. And, you know, I I'm gonna create some journal prompts for that about grieving, you know, the holiday and the tradition and walking away from the family, but you can also write about what you want to create. And it will take maybe a year or two or something, but you can create it. Maybe it looks like going to the movies alone, spending the day with a friend, cooking yourself something beautiful, hosting hosting a chosen family gathering. Maybe it's traveling somewhere peaceful, staying home with your pets, having a slow, soft, quiet day, you know, doing a release ritual for the year, writing a letter to your inner child, you know, spending it with different friends. Maybe there's a few family members who are like you and they're checked out from the family, and you create your own Thanksgiving. Giving yourself the rest that you need. Sometimes we're just go, go, go, rest, watch movies. It's different at first. It felt good. I remember when I did that at 26, I stayed home and watched TV. It was great because I was in college raising my son, working, and I never got a chance to watch TV. And so it was so nice to sit and watch TV, and I just ate whatever was at home. I didn't have a traditional meal. Uh so tradition is not what you were born into. Tradition is what you choose to carry forward. So how to handle the guilt. Let me walk you through releasing guilt because guilt is often the only thing keeping people stuck. Name the guilt, say it out loud. I feel guilty because I'm breaking the expectation. Naming it gives it less power, right? Don't just think of it. Say it out loud, write it down. Ask yourself is a guilt is it guilt or conditioning? Most guilt is just old programming that says you must sacrifice yourself to keep the peace. Remind yourself, self-preservation is not selfish. Choosing safety is responsible, choosing peace is mature, choosing healing is brave. Recognize that guilt is a a sign of growth. Whoa, well, look at that, right? Guilt means you're doing something new, something different, something healthier. And so the the guilt is like the shift. Think of it that way. You're shifting out of an old pattern and you're releasing it, and as you get more into the new pattern, you no longer feel that guilt. Repeat this phrase, I'm allowed to keep myself safe, even from family, especially from family. Understand that guilt and alignment can exist. You can feel guilty and still make the right choice for your mental health. Because it really is about mental health. So I want to leave you with this. You do not have to go home this year. You don't have to go home ever if you don't want to. You do not have to expose yourself to old wounds. You do not have to pretend everything is fine when it isn't. The nervous system doesn't like that. You do not have to abandon yourself to uphold a tradition. You are allowed to choose peace. You're allowed to choose healing. You are allowed to choose yourself. And if no one ever said this to you, say it to yourself that you're proud of yourself for breaking patterns, that you're proud of yourself for listening to your body, that you're proud of yourself for honoring your healing, that you're proud of yourself for being brave. And I'm sending love to you, just like I need it, love sent to me, and you know, you will survive this, and it's okay to do something different and healthier. So thank you for watching and enjoy your holidays. And remember, you could create whatever tradition you want, but make it a healthy one. Love yourself, honor yourself. Thank you for listening.