Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Self Abandonment: Why We Leave Ourselves And How To Stop

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 28

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What if the real heartbreak isn’t what someone did to you, but the quiet moments you left yourself to keep the peace? Dr. Donna takes us into the heart of self-abandonment—how it forms, how it hides in everyday choices, and how to return to a life that honors your needs without apology. We start with a clear definition and trace the pattern from childhood conditioning and emotional neglect to adult habits like overgiving, settling, avoiding hard conversations, and masking your gifts to be liked or chosen.

Together we examine the nervous system’s fawn response and why connection can feel safer than authenticity when conflict once meant danger. Dr. Donna breaks the topic into real-life domains—emotional, relational, physical, spiritual, financial, and identity—so you can spot where you’re minimizing feelings, ignoring red flags, overworking, undercharging, or becoming the fixer. You’ll learn to read the body’s cues of self-betrayal: tight chest, shallow breath, gut tension, jaw clenching, numbness, and the anxious urge to keep everyone happy. From there, we move into practices that rebuild self-trust: the hand-to-heart check-in, the somatic yes-no, micro boundaries that create space, and daily self-loyalty questions that anchor you in truth.

If you’ve ever said yes when every cell said no, this conversation offers a gentle, practical path home. Expect grounded tools, compassionate stories, and journal prompts that help you choose yourself with clarity. You deserve relationships that see you and a life where your needs are honored. If this resonated, subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help more listeners find their way back to themselves.

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Hello, it's Dr. Donna, and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're gonna talk about a different topic. We're gonna talk about self-abandonment. Self-abandonment is one of the deepest wounds of childhood trauma, grief, overgiving, people pleasing, and never feeling emotionally safe. It's the moment of we it's the moment we leave ourselves in order to stay connected to someone else. That's what self-abandonment is. Or in order to keep the peace, we abandon ourselves, or to avoid conflict, we abandon ourselves. Or because we were taught that our needs were too much. So the truth is self-abandonment is original heartbreak, the one we do to ourselves. But today we're gonna unpack what it is. What is self-abandonment? Why it happens, how it shows up, and most importantly, how to come home to yourself again, how to stop abandoning yourself. So take a deep breath, settle into your body, and let's begin. What is self-abandonment? Self-abandonment is when you ignore your needs, which a lot of people do, to put they put other people first, they put their romantic partner first, kids, family, everyone else, they will ignore their needs, and then there's nothing left for them. A lot I've seen a lot of polls where people said that they gave out gifts during Christmas to family, friends, everyone else, but they really didn't get gifts in return. And more than likely it's because they are such a giver that they have forgotten to be a receiver. People who self-abandon are givers, they're overgivers, they're people pleasers, and they forget that they are worthy of receiving. Self-abandonment is also silencing your truth. A lot of people won't speak their truth to keep the peace. They just stay quiet because they don't want to rock the boat or have people mad at them. Self-abandonment is overriding your intuition. A lot of people do that, and it makes matters worse, right? Then you get into a worse situation. You shrink your voice, playing small, you know, also to keep the peace. You tolerate treatment that hurts, you know, not just a romantic partner to mistreat you but friends, family members, co-workers, or you betray yourself in order to be chosen, liked, or safe. You know, they may there's a lot of jokes about people being pick me's, but we can't make light of that when somebody has pick me energy because they're that way because of trauma. And so, yes, a person with pick me energy is abandoning themselves to be chosen because they feel like that's the only way that they could be liked or loved, and so they always equated love with sacrifice, sacrificing themselves who they are, not being authentic because they weren't enough. So being a person who self-abandons, it is a survival response, one that comes from childhood trauma, emotional neglect, being parentified, if you had to do adult, you know, actions, you know, as a child where you had to step in as a mature person and take care of responsibilities that adults are supposed to take care of. Or if you grew up in environments where your needs weren't allowed, you know, if you grew up where children were to be seen and not heard, um, yeah, you're gonna struggle with self-abandonment. A lot of people who are in their 30s, 40s, 50s struggle with self-abandonment because they were raised with that you are to be seen and not heard, and especially if you're a woman, just be pretty, be quiet, white, right? So for many of us, self-abandonment began before we can even speak. We learn how to read the room, adjust ourselves, predict other people's moods, and make ourselves less of a burden, right? If you came from a household where you had to walk on eggshells because of an angry parent or parents or caretaker, yeah, you are used to, you know, reading the room and walking on eggshells and predicting other people's moods and making sure you didn't upset them. So you learn this early, and this pattern follows into adulthood. So in adulthood, what does it look like to self-abandon? Overgiving. I am an overgiver in recovery, as I say, and I teach a lot about overgiving. I have a workbook on how to break free from overgiving and people pleasing, settling. A lot of people will settle in their life because they don't feel like they're worthy of having what they want, so they're abandoning their desires. Rushing into caretaking, a lot of people do that, you know, they will be the fixer and take care of everyone and be ignored when their needs and their needs are not met, right? If you avoid hard conversations, that is self-abandonment. And a lot of people do that because they don't want someone mad at them, they don't want the person to leave them, they don't want to have confrontations, so they avoid hard conversations, and yes, that's self-abandon, abandonment, staying in relationships longer than what you should. A lot of people do that because they're afraid to be alone, so they abandon themselves to have the illusion of company, of support of a partner. Hiding your psychic gifts, a lot of us psychics have done that. Yes, that's a form of self-abandonment, but you know, I did it because I wanted to be a scientist. You know, I got a bio degree, I went on to chiropractic school, but I thought I was gonna be a researcher, and I couldn't understand my gift. Why was this happening? And it felt weird, and of course I was ostracized for a while, and I was very uncomfortable with it. But it was interesting as I went to more and more seminars, a lot of people who were engineers and medical doctors and scientists were showing up to these woo-woo spiritual seminars, and that helped me to feel okay because even they were saying, look, something's going on with me that I don't understand. And that's when I started to become more and more comfortable with being a psychic. And another way that we self-abandon is saying yes, when every cell in our body wants to say no. How many times have you said yes when you really wanted to say no? That's self-abandonment. So self-abandonment is a nervous system saying connection is safer than authenticity, and a lot of people are afraid to be authentic, they're afraid to be themselves. They're like, Can I be loved as I am? And so they do anything to have a connection, and that means ignoring their truth or agreeing with people on things that they really don't agree with. That and so connection becomes safer than authenticity. That is what the nervous system is saying. But the real truth is authenticity is the only place where true connection is possible. You hear that? You can't have a real connection if you're not being authentic. You can't. Why we self-abandon? Let's talk about the roots of why we self-abandon. Because a lot of people don't even realize that they're doing it. Childhood emotional neglect. If your caregivers, parents, whoever took care of you didn't see your feelings or made your emotions, you know, feel safe to have. If you're told that you feel too much, you learn to disconnect from yourself to maintain attachment to your caretakers. I know I was told that I feel too much a little bit, you know, before my mother died, but a lot after she died. I was too sensitive. You know, how many of you have been told that? And if she if you're an empath, guess what? You're going to be very sensitive. Trauma is the second reason. When the body experiences trauma, the fond response often kicks in. The fond response is to appease, to please, to avoid conflict, to keep others calm so that you can feel safe. That is really what it is. Okay, grief and loss. Grief can make us shrink ourselves so we don't take up space. We don't want to be a burden. We numb our needs because we're overwhelmed. I know I needed to play small for a while while I was grieving. The world was too much. And just, you know, for a person to process their grief in a world that has so much stimulation, you do kind of shrink and you just kind of surrender to certain things. But I remember I was being tested a lot after my son died, and I was really upset. You know, people were trying my patience, triggering me, gaslighting me. And I realized it was a universe saying, Yes, you're grieving, but you're still in the world. You still have to show up, you still have to honor yourself and defend yourself and set boundaries. And it was so hard because I wanted to be left alone. I'm sure other people can identify with that. Okay, fear of rejection. Oh, yes, fear of rejection. If they really knew the real me, they leave. I've heard plenty people say that they won't be themselves at the beginning of a relationship. They want someone to fall in love with them first, and then they become their real self, and that doesn't work because then it looks like deception, right? And this is a deep wound that I've seen in clients. You have to be yourself all the time and know that you're worthy of love. That's how you get the right partner. Because if you're not yourself up front, you will get the wrong partner, and it will be a disaster later. Okay, overgiving and people pleasing. Women are especially conditioned to give until they're empty. You know what I'm talking about, ladies. We abandon ourselves because we've been told that love must be earned. You know it. We all have done it. I believe we all have. Some people say, no, I've never done it, but we do it. It could be subtle. Okay, fear of anger or conflict. Being afraid of someone being mad at you. You know, avoiding conflict. Some people hate confrontation, right? If conflict felt unsafe growing up, you learn to disappear to avoid it. Very, very common. Okay. Spiritual pedestals and being seen. Many impasse and psychics hide their gifts or mute their needs because they fear being judged, misunderstood, or too much. As I said, I went through that. A lot of impact impasse and psychics have. Yes, you can. So you can get back to self-connection. The many ways we self-abandon. Let's continue. Here's a deep, detailed list, you know, of why we self-abandon. Um, and this is one of the many ways. Emotional self-abandonment. What is emotional self-abandonment? Minimizing your feelings. A lot of people have done that, right? Telling yourself it's not a big deal when it is, so you just kind of shrink how you feel. Shaming yourself for being sensitive, apologizing for having needs, and validating your pain because others have it worse. I really hate when people say, Well, other people have it worse. So what are you saying? That I'm not allowed to have my own pain? Have you ever had someone say that to you? And you just think, Wow, are they saying I'm not allowed to have pain? They want you to self-abandon. But people do it to themselves too, because some of us grew up with there are people suffering way more than you, and I know as a way for parents to say, be grateful, but it turns into self-abandonment. Let's talk about relational self-abandonment, staying in toxic relationships, even friendships, not just romantic partners, even romantic, you know, partners and and even um family members, right? It could be toxic in many ways, different types of toxic relationships, making excuses for someone's bad behavior. I've seen people do that with their abusive partner. They say they're just having a bad day. Well, that's just how they are. You know, it's very common. I remember years ago I had a friend whose husband drank a lot. And she goes, that's just him, that's just alcohol talking. And that's how she rationalized his behavior that it was alcohol talking. Yes, but he was the one drinking, right? Ignoring red flags. We I think we all have ignored red flags at one time or another, and then we learned the hard way not to do that again. Then we become hyper alert and we think everything's a red flag. Um, taking responsibility for other people's emotions. Sometimes we do that. Don't overfunctioning or fixing everything, that's a form of self-abandonment. Always make jokes that I'm a fixer. I'm a fixer in recovery, but I've done those things. Becoming a therapist healer or the mother in your relationships. I remember when I first got into psychic work and coaching, I had a lot of friends that wanted me to listen to their problems, but they weren't listening to mine. And I told them, I said, we're not going to do this anymore. And some of those friendships faded out. They needed to go. I had to learn to set boundaries. And if you are a therapist, a healer, or coach, or a psychic or whatever you call yourself, you've got to have boundaries. Um, choosing partners who need rescuing, yes, that's a form of self-abandonment. And some people do that. They think that, oh, this person won't leave me if I rescue them. Yeah, they will leave you when they get better. Are you just you suffer in the meantime? Giving financially in hopes that someone will love you, you know, when you keep on paying someone's bills, even though they're irresponsible. You give and you give, pretending you're okay when you're breaking inside. So many people do that. Let's talk about boundary self-abandonment. Saying yes when you want to say no, not expressing your preferences, you know, just going along to get along, avoiding difficult conversations. A lot of people don't want to have hard conversations. You gotta have them, or the universe will blow up the situation if you don't have the hard conversations. What you're afraid of losing, you will lose eventually if you don't have the difficult conversations. Letting people take advantage of your time or energy. Over exerting yourself, stretching yourself, being here, there, and everywhere, but not there for yourself. That is self-abadiment. That's not being a kind person. And when you stop doing that, people will call you names, right? They call you selfish, but you're not being selfish, you're just setting a boundary and taking care of yourself and practicing self-care when you stop being there for everyone and not yourself. Dropping your boundary when someone pushes back. A lot of times people do that. They say no and someone pushes and pushes, and they change their mind to a yes. When we overexplain or justify our no, no is a complete sentence. You don't owe anyone an explanation. They don't have to like it that you said no, and it's not rejection to tell someone no, you're not rejecting them, you're just honoring yourself. People have to stop with this. I feel rejected because someone told me no. People have the right to say no. We have all said no to someone, whether they like it or not. You don't have to explain yourself. Let's talk about physical self-abandonment, overworking. Some people say they overwork for money, but sometimes they're overworking to escape themselves, to escape problems at home, um, ignoring exhaustion. When you're tired, you gotta learn how to rest. Not eating regularly. Some people think they're such a champion, are so amazing when they go, I've worked all day and I haven't forgotten. I've forgotten to eat. Yeah, play with your blood sugar, play with your mental health. You need to eat, even if it's something. If you gotta work a lot, keep a snack bar, keep something that you would eat, but take care of yourself and eat regularly. Um, staying in fight or flight, a lot of us do, we get stuck and we're triggered all the time. Disconnecting from our body and our mind, not resting until you crash, until you just fall out. We don't have to do that. I used to think I had to do those things, and then I got really sick. You know, I've had a few injuries, and I think that we get sick to wake us up to say you're abandoning yourself. And so I did that. I woke up and I changed it and I scheduled so I can rest. Spiritual self-abandonment, hiding your gifts, done that, shrinking your intuition to make other people comfortable, believing that God in spirit will love you only if you perform, abandoning rituals, meditation, or practices that nourishes you, pretending you don't feel energy when you do. That's spiritual self-abandonment, financial. Self-abandonment. Undercharging for your services. People may not like it and call you expensive, but remember you have the right to charge is energy. Giving money to men hoping that they stay. So women do buy love. Men buy love, but women do it. I've seen it. Feeling guilty for wanting abundance. And don't turn it into greed. You're not greedy for wanting abundance. We need to stop with calling everything greedy. Staying small so that you don't take up space. Playing small is gonna make it hard to manifest. Avoiding financial boundaries, we all gotta have it. We can't just loan everybody money and pay everybody's bills. We can't do that. Identity self-abandonment, becoming who others need you to be instead of being yourself and saying, I'm enough. Suppressing anger, silencing your voice, living a life based on other people's expectations, ignoring intuition, treating yourself as an afterthought, self-abandonment and grief, refusing to let yourself cry, rushing your healing, don't rush your healing, let it take the time that it needs. Wearing the strong one mask, stop that. You don't need to be strong. Abandoning your heart because your pain feels too big. Pretending you're fine so you don't burden others. Self-abandonment and success. This is also playing small, right? Not applying for opportunities, dimming your gifts, expecting failure, sabotaging good things because it feels unfamiliar. And so remember, these are all forms of self-abandonment. So how self-abandonment feels in the body? Okay, self-abandonment shows up physically as a tight chest. Yes, shallow breathing, gut tension, definitely digestive problems, clenching your jaw, feeling frozen or numb, exhaustion, chronic overthinking, anxiety around disappointing people. Some people get stressed out because they don't want to disappoint people, they don't want people mad at them. Guilt for wanting more, you're not greedy for wanting more. This is because the body remembers every time you betrayed yourself for safety. Your nervous system learned my needs don't matter, my safety depends on keeping others happy. Love comes with conditions, but the body can relearn, it can feel safe again, it can trust again. You can trust again, your body can trust so that your mind can trust. How to stop self-abandoning? Here are some tools that you could begin using today. Hand-to-heart check-in. Pause. Ask, what do I need right now? Wait, listen. Honor the answer, whatever that is. Do you need to be present for yourself? Do you need to love yourself more? Do you need to be proud of yourself? Do you need to tell someone no? Ask yourself, what do you need right now? The somatic yes-no practice. Yes, your body opens. No, your body tightens. Let your body speak before your mouth does. If somebody asks you to do something and your body tightens, that's a no. If it opens up, why yes. You know, when they say say yes more, say yes to yourself more, what serves you more, and no to others. Have micro boundaries. Start small. No, I'm not available right now. I need a moment. I get back to you. Let me think on that. Let me check my schedule so that you have a chance to collect your thoughts. You don't have to answer right away. Validate yourself. Your feelings are real. Your needs matter. Your intuition is sacred. And stop fixing. If you feel an urge to rescue or repair, pause. Let other people be responsible for their own emotions. Create safety inward. The safest place in your life is the relationship that you have with yourself. Say it, repeat it, live it. Say the safest place in my life is the relationship that I have with myself. Build self-loyalty. Ask yourself daily, how can I stand with myself today? How can I honor my truth? How can I show my body it matters? Reconnect with authenticity. Let people experience the real you, not the pleasing version of you. Your authenticity will filter who belongs in your life. This is how you come into alignment. If you're not being authentic, you can't align. Let's do some journal props before we close out. Okay, number one. There are four journal props. Number one is where in my life do I abandon myself most? Is it work, working too much? Is it friendships, trying to be everybody's friend and saying yes and helping everybody? Romantic relationship, dealing with a toxic partner. What are you doing? Number two, what would it look like to choose myself instead? Does it feel safe? Start working on making it feel safe to put yourself first. It's uncomfortable at first, but then it starts to feel really good. Trust me, I know. Been there. What am I afraid will happen if I stop self-abandoning? If you stop pleasing other people, what will happen? Will you lose somebody? Will they call you selfish? Will they call you awful? What is one boundary I can honor this week? Can you tell somebody no? Tell someone you're busy, put you know, make sure you have time to rest, make time for your goals, make time to do nothing. Okay, so we're gonna close this out because I could talk forever on this. Self-abandonment is not a personality flaw, it is a trauma response, a survival strategy, and a map of every moment you didn't feel safe to be yourself. But you're not the child anymore. You're an adult with power, voice, intuition, strength, and a soul that longs to come home. Healing begins the moment you say, I choose me. You deserve love that doesn't require disappearing. You deserve relationships that see you. You deserve a life where your needs are not just allowed, they are honored. Thank you for listening. And remember that you deserve a life where your needs are not just allowed, they are honored. And choose healing, choose you. Thank you for listening and have a wonderful day.