Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Why Empaths Attract Narcissists And How To Break The Cycle

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 27

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Ever wonder why being “the caring one” keeps pulling you into painful dynamics? We trace the surprising link between empaths and narcissists back to a shared childhood wound where love felt conditional and safety depended on performance. From that same soil, two opposite survival strategies emerge: the empath who shrinks to stay connected and the narcissistic adaptation that inflates to stay untouchable. Understanding that split changes everything, because it moves you from blame and buzzwords to nervous system reality—and that’s where healing actually sticks.

We talk through how an empath learns to read the room, people-please, and carry emotions that aren’t theirs, and why that looks generous while quietly erasing the self. We also demystify narcissistic traits as a defense against shame, not genuine confidence: control substitutes for safety, grandiosity masks low self-worth, and empathy shuts down to avoid pain. That doesn’t excuse harm; it shows why apologies rarely come and why waiting to be “the one who finally softens them” leads to burn-out and heartbreak.

The chemistry between these patterns can feel epic at first. It’s not fate—it’s familiarity. Your body recognizes what it learned as normal. Insight helps, but it won’t rewire attraction by itself. We share practical, body-based tools to change the pattern: short boundaries without essays, learning to receive without paying it back, and regulating your nervous system so connection doesn’t require self-abandonment. For those carrying a narcissistic adaptation, the path forward means safe work with shame, real accountability, and rebuilding empathy over time.

If you’re ready to ask a better question than “Why do I attract narcissists?” try “Where do I abandon myself to stay attached?” When your body learns safety, your choices change. Subscribe for more grounded conversations on trauma, intuition, boundaries, and recovery—and share this with a friend who needs a reminder that adaptation isn’t destiny. Your story can turn here.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello, it's Dr. Donna, and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today I want to talk about a topic that I I think is real important. I I often find myself correcting people on this topic because the term both terms get used and misused and people don't always understand these two terms. Now, today we're going to talk about this topic that comes up constantly in healing spaces, especially for sensitive, intuitive, and empathic people. This topic is empath and narcissist. And I feel like, you know, a lot of people feel like they're empaths, and there's different levels of being an empath, right? There's a, you know, where you feel something and trauma has helped you become an empath because you can pick up on certain things, but you also have to know discernment, and then there's psychic level empath where you're able to feel other people's thoughts and emotions and really sense on a different level. Now the other term narcissists, i it's the term that's thrown around too much, and there's a diagnosis criteria for what a narcissist is. And if you go online, everybody thinks that that they know a narcissist or their ex is a narcissist and they have squirt if they are. And really it's a it's a term, it's a diagnosis that a psychologist or psychiatrist or someone along those lines should be diagnosing, not us everyday people. Although I've studied a lot about narcissism, I am not a licensed psychologist, so I will not be diagnosing anyone as a narcissist. I might say they have narcissistic like behavior, but you know, we have to watch how social media causes us to use terms that we really don't understand. We just go, I feel it, I think it must be true. And so this conversation is often framed in a very black and white way. Good versus bad, meaning impasse are good and narcissists are bad, victim versus villain, loving versus cruel. But the truth is far more nuanced and far more healing than that. Today I want to talk about something that might surprise you. Empasse and narcissists often come from the same emotional background. The difference is how they responded to what has happened to them. So the difference isn't what happened to them, it's how they responded to what happened to them. The difference is how their nervous system adapted in order to survive. This episode is not about excusing harm. I'm hoping to give more clarity. It is about understanding trauma, survival patterns, and why so many empaths find themselves repeatedly drawn to narcissistic dynamics. Yes, empaths attract narcissists. If you ever ask why do I keep attracting narcissists? Why do I give so much and get so little? Why does this dynamic feel familiar even when it hurts? This episode is for you. And so we're gonna dive into this. It's a shared childhood wound, shocking but true. Both impasse and narcissists often grew up in environments where emotional safety is missing. This can look like emotionally unavailable or inconsistent caregivers, parents who were overwhelmed, critical, controlling, are narcissistic themselves. Homes where love was conditional, be based on behavior, achievement, or emotional caretaking, being praised for what you did, not for who you were. You know, you had to be obedient, you had to get good grades, or you were deprived of love and approval. And that also causes people to become perfectionists. I'm gonna do a whole podcast on what causes a person to be a perfectionist, and being ignored unless you are useful, impressive, or compliant. These are both common denominators. So narcissists are born out of trauma, and empaths are born out of trauma. In these environments, children don't learn I am safe for just being me. They don't learn that. They learn it's all conditional. And when they don't meet their caretaker, whether it's parents or someone else's expectations, they're deprived of love. It's a control thing to deprive a child of love. And it's so sad that this happens, but you've got wounded adults wounding children. So instead, they learn who I naturally am is not enough, or it's not safe to be me. This is the root of the wound. And here's the key children don't choose their coping strategies consciously. They don't. You cope how you cope. The nervous system adapts automatically to survive the emotional environment. From the same wound, two very different adaptations can form. And that's the narcissist or the empath. And it's crazy, but you see that in a household where there is someone who's narcissistic or narcissist, and you see impasse, and you know they were raised by the same parents, had the same upbringing, but they adapted differently to what happened. So let's talk about the impasse survival strategy. So we're talking about the empath. Impasse often survive childhood by becoming hyper attuned to others. You're very tuned in because you have to guess the next move, and so you don't always have to walk on eggshells or you could get it right, so you're not abused or criticized or spanked or you, you know, you're you're constantly trying to figure out what's the next move. So as children, impasse learn to read emotional shifts in the room, they can read the room. Um, sense tension before words are spoken. Oh, yes. Anticipate needs to avoid conflict or abandonment and regulate adults emotionally. Yes, impasse are regulating adults, goodness, but a lot of children have done that and have had to do it, and you know, they just grow up continuing to do it in their friendships, romantic relationships at work, it just it it continues. So many empaths become easy, good, or helpful. They also become people pleasers and overgivers. You know, I do a lot of studying about that and talking about people pleasing and overgiving. Many empaths were parentified emotionally or practically. You had to handle adult problems when you were a child, or you know, you had a parent vent to you and whying to you about what was going on, and you had to take on adult responsibilities. You probably had to help out with siblings and around the house, or even run some errands as a child. And so you became the listener, the helper, the mediator. You were in adult business, you know, and instead of being able to have a healthy childhood. So an impasse nervous system learned. My safety depends on keeping others okay. Yep, gotta take care of everybody else so that you can feel safe. So, guess what? The empath adapted by overgiving, people pleasing, suppressing their own needs, feeling responsible for others' emotions, managing other emotions, right? Struggling with guilt when setting boundaries. Oh, yes, you know, impasse struggle with setting boundaries. It's very hard. My group is all about that. I have a group in Body Psychic Portal, and you know, it's all about stopping these behaviors so that you don't burn out. So as adults, impasse often feel anxious when someone is upset with them, and they can't handle people being upset with them. I've heard friends, clients, I've even been in that position where I didn't want people mad at me. I want everybody to just like me and get along and thank God for healing because now I don't care. Yeah. Um, you know, also impasse will feel uncomfortable receiving without giving back. It's very hard. There are some people who have done great things for me, and I want to spoil them and show gratitude, and they get a little bit tense, and I have to talk to them and say, You deserve this, you're worthy of it. Because, like people who are good to me, I I like to be ten times as good. I like to show appreciation because I know what it's like to have to learn to receive, you know, and so I want to help givers who have given to me to receive. And so it's really common for impasse to be like this, and also impasse will shrink, they will play small, they're afraid of being too much or selfish. And the best way to manipulate somebody is to call them selfish when they tell you no or don't give you what you want. That is a way to manipulate. Yes, there are selfish people in the world who take, take, take and never give and don't have empathy and don't care, but a lot of times when somebody's called selfish, it's because they're being guilted because they told somebody no, they set a boundary, and so also as adults in past often feel deeply connected to others but disconnected from themselves, and you see that where people are trying so hard to be friends with somebody or be in a relationship with someone, but they're losing themselves in the process. Very common. But this is what kept people safe, you know, but it could keep you stuck now because there's no need for that now. Now let's discuss the narcissistic survival strategy. Now let's talk about narcissistic adaptation because that's what it is, an adaptation. Narcissists often come from similar emotional environments, emotional neglect, they were definitely neglected. That's why they want to boast and be the greatest thing because they want that attention, they need to be the center of attention. Shaming are critical caregivers, that's why they do it to others, and they're also hard on themselves. Narcissists have very low self-esteem, so they talk themselves up to cover up for that. Um, conditional love, they definitely, you know, suffer from conditional love from their childhood and lack of safe attunement. You know, that was the biggest struggle. Big time. And so that but instead of turning outward to connect, their nervous system goes the opposite direction. Narcissists, they learn that vulnerability is dangerous. They're not gonna be vulnerable, they're gonna be tough and lack empathy. That's why they lack empathy, right? Because vulnerability is dangerous. Needing others leads to pain. That's why they don't need anybody. They will use people, but they don't need them, you know. Yes, as narcissistic supply, but they would never say I need somebody. They use people. Emotions are unsafe or shameful, that's why they could be so cold, so distant, have a wall of. But the narcissist that I know, every once in a while you see a glimpse of emotion, and then you start thinking, they're not that bad, right? Because they showed a little bit of humanity, right? They were human for a moment, but they protect themselves by inflating the self, by making themselves seem super amazing, super smart, the smartest person in the room, prettier, nicer, better, right? And if somebody comes along that is better or prettier or smarter, they're gonna knock them down. They create emotional armor, they are armored up, they have a wall. You can't crack it. You can't love a narcissist to crack them. They really have to go to therapy and probably for the rest of their lives because that wound came from childhood, so it's locked in. Um, they seek control, admiration, or dominance. Yeah, you know, we've all seen that in action and one way or another in our lives, and so we know people like this. They want control over everything, they're gonna get it one way or another, and they have to be the most admired, and they have to dominate, they have to be in charge, and they will go off, they will throw a tantrum, they will just go crazy if they are not in charge and they avoid accountability, they're never going to apologize. You have a greater chance of winning a lottery and getting struck by lightning at the same time than a narcissist apologizing, they just won't do it. Um, they can't, their ego won't allow it, it's too fragile with showing vulnerability, right? So disconnecting from empathy to avoid feeling pain. So that's why they lack empathy. They're just not cold motherfuckers or excuse my language, for you know, just because this is why. Because they don't want to feel pain. And no, I'm not excusing their behavior, but I want people to understand it. Because a lot of times people think, oh, well, someone hurt me, they're a narcissist. And no, this is some deeper stuff. This is for the professionals to diagnose. Um, underneath narcissistic traits is often profound shame. So, under it all, under all that armor and acting like they're in control and and they're the greatest thing since slice of bread, they're actually shameful. They have a very fragile self-worth, very, very low self-esteem, and they fear being exposed for who they really are. They have deep emotional avoidance, they just can't show empathy. If you you know if you're in a relationship with a narcissist because they're shut down all the time. And if you feel any of that, you need to run because you're not gonna crack that open. I know a lot of times, some men, but especially women, we think we can love somebody whole and they show us love if we just keep on trying and trying. Nope. You're gonna try and try and you're gonna hurt yourself in the process. Don't do it if you're in a relationship with a narcissist, you run like you're running for first place in the Olympics. So narcissism is not confidence, it is a defense. That's what it is. Again, this is not to excuse harmful behavior because I have a zero tolerance policy myself. But understanding the root helps us to stop personalizing it. Because a lot of people who suffer from narcissistic abuse have a long recovery ahead because I've heard it, you know, with coaching clients. Sometimes they take on the blade like, could I have done something different or been better or been smarter? It's like, no, this is not a you problem, it is a their problem. You couldn't have done nothing else to stop what was happening to you. It is a narcissist problem. It is not a victim problem, and it's very hard sometimes to convince people because if you're an empath and if you're a people pleaser and overgiver, you attract a narcissist, you're gonna start thinking, well, I just people please, I just overgive. And you think that you failed at those things. So, no, you have to really understand. You couldn't have done anything different, it's not your fault. The energy got attracted to you, and now you've kicked it out, and yes, recovery is hard, but it can happen for you. Same wound, okay? Opposite directions. So, narcissists and impasse have the same wound, but they went in opposite directions. And here's the most important part of this conversation. Impasse and narcissists share the same core belief. If I am fully myself, I will be hurt. Okay, did we hear that? Impasse and narcissists share the same core belief. If I am fully myself, I will be hurt. That's why narcissists don't show vulnerability. They, you know, armor up, they lack empathy, they're cold, they're hardcore, because they can't show themselves or they're at risk for being hurt. Now, an empath, they would just morph into the person they're with, and people please and overgive and lose themselves and try to be something that they're not hoping that they get love and approval. So you see the difference? So the empath responds by shrinking. I become what others need, so I won't be abandoned. You hear that? That's what the empath does. They shrink, they become what others need so they won't be abandoned. The narcissist responds by inflating. I become untouchable, so I won't be hurt. You see the difference? One abandons the self to keep connection. That's an empath. The other abandons connection to protect themselves. That's the narcissist. Both are trauma responses, both are driven by the nervous system. Neither is a conscious choice, and that's really the sad part. You know, an empath, yes, you can heal, you can recover, you know. But a narcissist, oh, she it's gonna take a long time. And I I listened to a lot of experts on narcissism, and they're conflicted on can you recover or can you not? But I would say if you encountered one, just don't personalize what they've done to you. It hurts, yes. So you gotta heal the hurt, but there's nothing that you could have done differently. I can't stress that enough. Um, now we're gonna talk about why impasse and narcissists attract each other. Because they do, and a lot of you, I'm sure, have been through it, at least with someone who's got a lot of the traits of a narcissist. So why do these two types find each other so often? Because their adaptations fit together like puzzle pieces. They really do, and that's the sad part. You would think, oh, I'm a good person. You know, I'm gonna heal because impasse are good people, but they got wounds, right? But you call them this narcissist who isn't a great person because narcissists look for impasse, they look for people like that. So this is how they fit together as a puzzle. Impasse, they're part of the puzzle, is they're emotionally available, they tolerate emotional inconsistency. We do make excuses for harmful behavior, yeah, yeah. Sure, some people listening unfortunately has done that. I have done that in the past. I won't no more, but I've been there. Belief love requires sacrifice. That's an empath. I will sacrifice. I would do what it takes to make this love work. Narcissists. They avoid emotional responsibility. So hey, they can just put it on the empath. They seek regulation through others. Hey, empaths are great for that. They gravitate towards people who give freely. What is an empath? It's an overgiver and a people pleaser. And they resist accountability. And you don't have to take it when you have an empath around you because they're willing to sacrifice. It's perfect. So at first this dynamic can feel intense, magnetic, even faded. It really can. You could just feel like, oh, this is the ultimate connection. And you know, there's always love bombing from a narcissist in the beginning, and an empath wants that love, and so you receive it, and then it gets messy, right? So that's why at first it's intense, magnetic, and even faded. Because the way that the puzzle pieces come together, but what it actually is is a familiar nervous system chemistry. That's really what it is. Your body recognizes what it learned as normal. You're probably raised by narcissists if you're an empath. There's a chance for someone who just didn't give love, they had their own wounds, they couldn't. So you come across this narcissist and the energy just collides. And it could be intense, and there could even be good romance if you know what I mean. Your body recognizes what is learned as normal. This is why insight alone isn't enough to break these patterns. You can know someone is unhealthy and still feel drawn to them. For the people in the back, this is why insight alone isn't enough to break these patterns. You can know someone is unhealthy and still feel drawn to them. It happens all the time. Healing has to happen in the body. Somatic work, right? That's how you heal trauma through somatic work. Okay, also, yes, talk therapy and stuff. There's EMDR, there's all this stuff out there. But you gotta heal yourself to break away from the narcissist because if you get rid of one narcissist, another one's gonna show up and they might be a little bit smarter and delay some of the behaviors once you're in too deep by being, you know, engaged, married, pregnant, something, right? It feels like it's too late, like you're already in it. So this is what I have to say, and I am gonna be very clear about this. Empaths are not morally superior, and narcissists are not monsters, but it could feel that way, it could look that way because you know, but I've met some empaths that are not nice. I'm sure you probably have. Um, narcissists are not monsters, um, they can act like it, right? Some of them are awful, especially if you watch the ID channel or you've had a bad experience with one, but some of them are charming as all heck, right? But healing does require responsibility. So that's the hard part. It's so hard, the healing, because you have to dig into core wounds. You can't ignore childhood because a lot happens in childhood that shapes us as adults. Remember, adulthood is is just a continuation of childhood unless you go to therapy and break the cycle. So for impasse, healing looks like reconnecting with your own needs. You gotta put yourself first without feeling guilty. Learning to tolerate others' disappointment. They're disappointing you, they survive. They survived all these years, they've been disappointed before. Don't wear that obligation because then you start losing yourself to make somebody else happy. Setting boundaries without overexplaining. That takes time, but you can do it, impasse. Letting go of guilt when you choose yourself. Don't let anybody guilt you or call you selfish. They're trying to manipulate you. Regulating your nervous system so connection doesn't require self-erasure. You don't lose yourself. That's why you regulate your nervous system. For narcissistic adaptations, healing requires willingness to face shame safely. You have to face the shame. Accountability for harm caused, and you know, they harm a lot of people and they think nothing of it. They just go on to the next victim, right? So you have to be accountable. You have to learn emotional regulation without control. Can't control rebuilding empathy slowly and intentionally. Not everyone is willing to do this work, and it is not your job to heal anyone else, just yourself. That's what's important. Now I try to keep this simple, and you know, we're at the end, because I can go on for hours because you just learned so much, and as an empath myself, and you know, I I have a family member, I have a sibling that is a full-on narcissist, um, and has been diagnosed as one. You know, it's very challenging because it's like we came from the same background. How did this happen? You know, it's like, did I miss something? Why is this person this way? And they're older than me, I'm the youngest sibling. But you just go, how did this happen? Why did this happen? And you know, I may be an empath, having compassion and empathy, but I'm two types of empaths. I'm the type that can sense other people's behaviors, and I I can reflect back on how I tiptoed around people in my younger years, but I'm also a psychic empath, and that's a double whammy at times. That's a lot. And so being an empath isn't necessarily glorious or make you moral superior or more elevated or more enlightened. It can be painful. It really can. You know, it has its own pain because you're sensing other people's stuff. You're reading them. And so, yes, and then a psychic empath, you know, I've learned to, you know, control that and so I can function about life, but it's very hard until you learn how to control that. Now, for a narcissist, you know, a lot of them just they may do a little bit of therapy and then they're like, I'm not the problem. Everybody else is, they're just stupid, they're just weak, they're just sensitive, right? They do that type of stuff, they say those type of things. And sometimes people aren't narcissists, they're just jerks, right? Who act like that because narcissism has a diagnosis criteria. And listen to the experts on YouTube. There's a lot of great ones, you know, there who can educate you. And so I want to close this out. Coming home to yourself. Healing doesn't mean becoming less empathetic. It means becoming self-connected. It means learning you can be love without performing. You can be safe without controlling. You can connect without disappearing. When the nervous system learns safety, the patterns change. And the questions shift from why do I attract narcissists to why would I abandon myself for connection? That's where true healing begins. Thank you for being here. Thank you for doing this work and listening to this podcast episode. And remember you are not broken, you adapted, and now you get to choose something new. So thank you for listening and have an amazing day.