Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Watching Your Partner Online Won’t Give You Clarity, Conversation Will

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 31

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We unpack why watching a partner on social media spikes anxiety and erodes trust, and we share practical ways to regulate, set boundaries, and replace surveillance with clear communication. The focus stays on attachment, nervous system care, and agreements that create real safety.

• how social media fragments trigger attachment systems
• why ambiguity fuels fear and projection
• comparison traps that distort self-worth
• the illusion of insight from likes and follows
• empath sensitivity and trauma filters online
• rebuilding natural boundaries and trust offline
• three roots of stress: safety, wounds, boundaries
• practical regulation tools and digital limits
• clear conversations and shared guidelines
• choosing presence and self-trust over monitoring


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SPEAKER_00:

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're going to talk about something incredibly common, but not always discussed honestly and often minimized, kind of just like casually mentioned, you know, with friends, and I've noticed that noticed that with psychic um readings. Um and what it is is that it's watching a romantic partner's behavior on social media. So I want to discuss today how watching a romantic interest or partner's behavior on social media can be deeply stressful. It really is. I I'm surprised, but I'm realizing that adults are more caught up in social media than what kids and teenagers are. That really surprises me. And I see especially women trying to decipher, you know, what um their man is doing or a man that they're interested in or ex, and a lot of times it leads to more pain and more stress. So it's stressful, it's not just an annoying thing that you're doing to yourself, it's not just a distracting thing that you're doing to yourself, but emotionally is very dysregulating to your nervous system. Yes. So if you've ever checked someone's likes, follows, comments, you know, trying to see if they're following women and why are they following a woman, they must be romantic interested, which isn't so. A lot of times people follow, maybe sometimes they do want to look at the pictures on Instagram. You know, some people are very photogenic and take great pictures on Instagram, but it doesn't mean that they want to sleep with them. It doesn't mean that they're sliding in their DMs, or if you felt a drop in your stomach after seeing who they interacted with. A lot of times people freak out, oh my god, he interacted with an ex. You know, well, these are things you got to discuss with the person. So, you know, people will read into stories, timing, and online silence. Oh, he hasn't posted anything. What is he up to? He's posting too much. Who is that for? You know, so yes, men follow social media some, but it's really a woman's issue. And so if you've ever felt anxious, hyper-vigilant, or emotionally reactive after scrolling, this episode is for you. So this episode is for you. If you've checked someone's likes, follows, or comments, felt a drop in your stomach after seeing who they interacted with, read into stories timing and online science silence, felt anxious, hyper-vigilant, or emotionally reactive after scrolling. And no, this doesn't mean that you're insecure, traumatic, or crazy. It could come across that way, right? Especially the insecurities, you you know, start wondering, well, oh my god, they're interacting with this person. You start thinking, well, are they prettier than me? You know, a lot of times we overthink. And the reason why I do these podcasts is it's my way of being a fixer and contributing to helping people to stop overthinking. So, why social media hits so hard and romantic relationships? Let's discuss this. Romantic connection already activates our attachment system, right? You get into a relationship, and especially if you have unhealed trauma, there's all these expectations, wants, desires. And when you care about someone, your nervous system scans for safety, consistency, availability, and reassurance. And a lot of times you're looking for safety in all the wrong places. If you go onto social media, it tells you nothing. I like all sorts of stuff on my social media, it doesn't make sense to a lot of people. Men will like pictures of women, women will like pictures of men. It means nothing. A lot of times it means nothing. Doesn't mean they're sliding into their DMs and they're gonna cheat, none of that. But if you have been cheated on or have unhealed trauma, this stuff will get to you. This stuff will be hard. Your mind will wonder and start thinking things, and you won't have the consistency, but you gotta allow for consistency in relationships. You know, when you care about someone, we kind of stop wanting that person to be themselves. We want them to fit what we need them to be, and that's really unfair to the partner because they get to be an individual still, and you have to talk up front about guidelines and expectations, and people aren't doing that. I am shocked at how many people get into relationships and they just want to like each other and they won't discuss anything, and then they wonder why the relationship is hard. If you want a loving, kind, working relationship, you gotta talk, you gotta discuss your wants, desires, fears, doubts, insecurities, you gotta lay it out there, you know, and so that you would know that you're gonna be reassured, and you'd be reassured reassured through conversation. Social media as a 24-7 window into someone's behavior, but without context, tone our truth. You can see what they're liking. You may see some of their comments. I comment on all sorts of stuff. Remember, what you think is happening more than likely is not happening, more than likely the person is totally innocent online, and I hear people say, but but they like everything that she posts, and doesn't mean he wants to sleep with her, just means he likes what she posts. I do that, and there are some people, there's friends of mine that likes everything that I post, and you know, I was clicking so many likes on social media, Facebook gave me an hour suspension, and I laugh about that because I don't know why I like so many things. I don't know. I I think I started because I wanted to support people and improve their algorithm, and it just has gotten out of control, and so now I control how much liking I do so I don't get those hour suspensions. But I've gotten a few of those, especially if I'm on my business page. I want to support other businesses. I don't think that competition is real, so I don't see other coaches or anyone as a competitor, so I like their stuff, and then next thing you know, I've got an hour suspension, so it's not always something bad, and that's what I'm trying to stress here. You're you're gonna end up projecting onto it and assuming something that is not happening, and this will create a perfect storm. You're exposed to partial information, curated moments, ambiguous signals, and lack of explanation and comparison triggers when you're on social media, and we worry about teens doing this, and yes, we need to worry about their well-being, but I'm also worried about grown-ups doing this. Yes, some with men, but a lot with women. Women, we gotta stop this comparison stuff. It's crazy. No, it we can't compare. I, you know, I've done a blog and uh, you know, I've also done a podcast on it, and it's time for us to stop letting social media affect how we think and how we uh feel about ourselves, and you can't compare. You you know, I give you another example. Here's another tangent. I've been doing this for 25 years. I've seen people come on the scene after me, have way more followers, like followers, likes, the whole thing, right? They're way more successful. It is what it is. You can't compare. And I see people get hurt and get upset and think somebody doesn't deserve something, and why do they have it? And I don't. And if you do any of that, you will devastate yourself. And you know what I do? I still like those people's stuff. If they say something interesting, I'll like it. They're in a different niche, same niche, I don't care. And you have to feel that way with friends who are traveling, with you know, your partner who they're liking. You just have to feel that way to be free. So remember, your nervous system doesn't process ambiguity well. It fills in the gaps, usually with fear. So you're getting partial stories by observing online and it's telling you nothing. So your brain will fill in the gaps with something that is fear-based or negative-based or rejection-based, or I know they like this person more than me based, and you just can't do that. So this is an illusion of information. Social media gives an illusion of insight, but not actual clarity. You may think if I watch closely, I understand what's going on. If I notice patterns, I feel safer. If I stay aware, I won't be blindsided because I know a lot of people fear being made a fool of. I've heard that many times in my work. And you can't be made a fool of because of somebody else's actions, but that's a whole nother story. I do a podcast on that eventually. But this is what people think they're doing. They think they're getting some control, some clarity, some understanding, but you're not. And so, what often happens is opposite. Okay, you're not gathering truth, you're gathering stimuli, and more than likely you're overstimulating yourself, and it will lead you to the path that you don't want to go on. That's what will happen. So that is very important that you don't do this because the nervous system will treat the stimuli as a potential threat. A like becomes a story, right? You make a whole story behind that like it is just a like. A follow becomes a meaning. Oh my god, he's following her. He wants to sleep with her, he wants to date her. I just know it. Not so. A delay becomes a rejection. You you know, we've gotten out of hand with this because of cell phones and all this technology. We think that if we contact somebody, they should immediately respond. And if they haven't responded in two hours, they don't want me anymore. No, they're they're working, they're getting something done, they got other things going on. Maybe they're just taking a social media rest or phone rest. We overread stuff, we have to stop doing that. Your body reacts before logic even enters the conversation when you do this stuff. So let's talk about attachment, social media, how it equals hyper-vigilance. For people with anxious attachment, trauma histories are relational wounds. Social media becomes a hyper-vigilant tune. It becomes a hyper-vigilance tool. You may monitor instead of communicating. You're making all these assumptions when you need to just go talk to the person, just talk to them, you know. Ask them. You know, we stop doing that. We stop talking to our partners. Analyze. Okay? You analyze instead of asking. You need to ask. Don't analyze. More than likely, you will be wrong. You assume instead of clarity. I remember learning years ago the phrase, when you assume, you make an ass of you and me. That's what happens when we assume, but that's a trauma response. You will regulate through scrolling instead of grounding. And that scrolling is going to lead you down a path of sadness and misery. But it isn't a character flaw, right? We know it's not a character flaw. We know it's a survival response. And your nervous system learned if I stay alert, I stay safe. That's what we believe that we must stay alert and we must be on, and we're not going to miss anything, and nobody's going to be to hurt us and harm us because we've seen it all. But constant alertness is not safety, it's really stress. That's really what it is. It's not safety at all. And if you're an empath or a sensitive person, you really should not be doing this. Empathic and intuitive people are particularly impacted by social media dynamics. Why? Because you just don't see behavior, you feel into it, and so you may sense emotional shifts through post, but it's also projecting, right? You could be an empath and not always be clear with what you feel. You can feel excluded without being excluded. You know? You can feel like you're excluded, but that's not really happening. You can internalize what isn't actually about you. You could take responsibility for interpretations you can't verify. So let's discuss this. You know, as an empath, I always say there's two types. There's an empath who's born out of trauma. You learn how to read through, sense people's behavior, so you know how to act. And then there's a psychic empath where you're really feeling and reading other people's emotions. And yes, you can have both. Absolutely. You could be a trauma empath, or you could be a psychic empath. Both are there, both are reality. But what happens is because we feel so much, we think that we're always feeling the other people's stuff. But we might just be feeling our fears, our insecurities, our doubts, our projections. That's a lot of times what's happening. And sometimes we feel like, oh, we're left out of something when we weren't. We will internalize what isn't actually about us. And we take responsibility for interpretations that you can't verify. It's all this assumption, right? That wounded people do. And so always say, like, if you're going to want to be a clean empath, you've got to do trauma-informed healing on yourself. You have to. So you know what's your stuff and know what's other people's stuff. And a lot of people don't, and their filter is very cloudy. So sensitive systems process more data. And social media offers too much unfiltered data. Your nervous system ends up working over time to regulate uncertainty. That's why it's bad for your in-pass and sensitive people. Social media removes relational boundaries. In healthy relationships, boundaries exist naturally. They really do. You don't see every interaction, every thought, every social moment, and social media collapses boundaries. Because if you're in a when we have relationships before before social media, there had to be more trust involved, right? You couldn't spy, you couldn't turn on your location. That's the newest thing. You you know, I can see if you're turning on the location because you're scared of being kidnapped to hard or something, but everybody's like, how could they're not sharing their location? I want them to share their location. And if they don't share it, is it because they're cheating? We just go down this dark road. But a normal boundary was that we didn't have these things. We didn't see the interactions, we didn't see potential thoughts from posts or all of the social moments. So, you know, social media took away the boundaries. You're suddenly exposed to their past, their attention patterns, their validation sources, their social worldness a lot. And you know, you're trying to figure out who they are through your filter. But intimacy was never meant to be built on surveillance. And if it's like that in your relationship, it's time to heal and work on the relationship because you can't live like this. And you know, some people will say, Well, I'm not ready to discuss it yet, but you're just gonna torture yourself in the meantime. Closeness grows through communication, reliability, emotional safety, and mutual presence, not monitoring. You can't grow if you're monitoring, and if you don't communicate in your relationship, it's gonna die, and probably before it dies, there'd be cheating. I'm gonna do a podcast on that soon. So you have to take communication and healing seriously. And say you're spying on an ex, they're an ex. And it may be hard sometimes. Breakups are hard for some people, especially if you spent a lot of time together and there's children involved and all these memories, and some people it's harder to let go of, but you have to let go of them because otherwise you'd be devastated with them moving on. So don't follow an ex or spy on an ex unless you really can emotionally handle it, but a lot of people cannot. So, what is this stress of observing people, especially romantic partners or romantic interest, on social media doing to you? Let's talk about it. If watching someone's social media is stressing you out, it's usually pointing to one of three things lack of emotional safety or clarity in the relationship. That's a lot of what it is. Communication can cure that. If you're scared to talk in a relationship, you gotta go to counseling so you can start talking in your relationship. Number two, an activated attachment wound. Some people have attachment wounds, so that's what it does to you, and a boundary that needs to be created. You have to set a boundary that you're not gonna sit here and watch everything that a person does on social media, it will stress you out, it would make you crazy. I have seen this. I know what I'm talking about. I have definitely seen this, and so you cannot do that to yourself. You will definitely crack eventually, you'll get depressed. Um, your body is saying this is too much information without enough security. That doesn't mean that you need to confront accused or spiral. It means you need to listen to the signal instead of overriding it. If you feel it and you gotta stop it, right? You gotta stop it for the sake of your sanity and your emotional well being. You just have to. So let's talk about how to reduce the stress without shutting down. Here are some grounded, healthy shifts. Notice the body response, not just the thought. If your chest tightens, stomach drops, our breath shortens, that's your cue. It really is. It is. You know, reduce exposure before you demand reassurance. You don't need more information. You need more regulation. You need to regulate your nervous system. If you're online searching, searching, you're going to become dysregulated. Separate curiosity from compulsion. Ask yourself, is this checking on them on social media bringing clarity or feeding anxiety? If it's feeding anxiety, you gotta stop love. Choose communication over observation. If you can't ask directly, that's uh important information right there, right? You should be able to ask directly and get information from your partner directly. And if you can't do that, it's time to really work through why communication is scary. Is it because you fear abandonment, you fear an argument, whatever you fear? And I come across people who are afraid to communicate, and you will never be able to manifest the life that you desire without communication. Communication is an essential part of manifesting and co-creating, and you have to heal the trauma in order to do that. Create digital boundaries without shame. That's important. Muting, limiting, or taking breaks is nervous system care, not avoidance. Very important. A really reality check that brings relief. Someone's online behavior does not equal their deaf to feeling, their loyalty, their intention, their commitment. It means nothing, really. Social media is performance, not response. We know people put on a show on social media. You're seeing highlight worlds, you're seeing what people want you to see. Sometimes people are being manipulative online and they're gaslighting through their social media. So don't get caught up in it. And the more regulated and self-anchored you become, the less power it holds over your emotional state. You have got to ask directly. You have got to, if you want to know where you stand in a relationship with someone, you got to talk to them about it. If you're not ready to talk to them about it, are you ready for a relationship? A lot of times we want the love and romance of a relationship, but there's steps to get there. There's hard work that is required. Communication, open thoughts, talking about fears, doubts, insecurities. You must. You can't. You can't avoid it. It has to happen, or your relationship won't survive. I've seen it over and over and over in the past 25 years. I know. I know what I'm talking about here. So let's close this out. Choose peace over surveillance. Yes. Watching someone closely does not create safety. It creates stress. Stop stressing yourself out. Safety comes from consistent behavior offline. Yeah. How are they treating you offline is what counts. What they're doing online is like, uh, it doesn't tell you much. Clear communication. Communication is the key and always will be. Self-trust. You gotta trust them. You gotta trust yourself. I know people are afraid of getting hurt, but you can't be in a relationship if you're afraid of getting hurt because it will stop you from being authentic. Emotional regulation. Find ways to regulate your nervous system. You know, do some breathing exercises, go for a walk before you get impulsive and start searching. And boundaries that honor your nervous system. Definitely have boundaries. Don't be scrolling all day looking, hoping to figure out something. Don't. And remember, most people who are cheating, they're not gonna post it all over social media. You know, so let's get back to like thinking from a grounded perspective. If somebody's doing something they're not supposed to be doing, they're not gonna have it all out in the oven. It's very rare that they do. So you don't need to be hardened. You do not need to disappear. You need to choose peace over constant monitoring. If something feels off, listen. If something feels overwhelming, pause. And if something requires you to abandon yourself, step back. Seriously, because when you're scrolling, it is a form of self-abandonment. Step back because you'll lose yourself in that. So I want to thank you for listening. And remember, clarity comes from presence, not scrolling. You cannot find clarity from scrolling. Thank you for listening and have a great day.