Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

So Your Partner Asked For Space… Now What

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 30

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We explore why “I need space” hits so hard, how to honor a boundary without chasing or collapsing, and how to protect your needs while leaving the door open for healthy repair. We outline clear questions to ask, when space becomes avoidance, and how to come back to yourself.

• why space triggers abandonment, attachment and grief patterns
• what “I need space” usually means and what it does not mean
• difference between respecting space and self-abandonment
• harmful reactions that erode trust and safety
• healthy scripts and clarifying questions to ask
• nervous system tools to regulate before reaching out
• how to set your own time limits and non-negotiables
• spotting avoidance versus genuine self-regulation
• reframing rejection as protection and choosing self-respect


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Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're going to talk about one of the most emotionally charged moments in any relationship. And you know, even good relationships may have had moments like this. And that moment is when someone asks for space. You're in a relationship with someone and they say, I need space, I need distance, I need time alone. So when they say they need distance, when they pull back temporarily or indefinitely, for many people this moment can feel terrifying because it's like, what's wrong? Why is this happening? Right? Why is the relationship going in this direction where the you know, and a lot of times there are signs, but sometimes there aren't signs that this is coming. And it can make a person, you know, get triggered with panic, grief, anger, confusion, or deep sense of rejection. You know, in society we have never been taught how to deal with rejection. And when somebody sets a boundary with us or tells us no or tells us that they need space, we personalize it so much to where it can affect our happiness, our sense of self-worth, our self-esteem. And it's especially hard in a relationship where you are mostly invested in someone and they say they need space. But this episode is about how to respect someone's boundary when they ask for space without chasing them, controlling them, or collapsing, and without abandoning yourself in the process. They may stalk them, they may harass them through text messages, they may key their car or bust their windows because there's so much emotion coming. And so as we go through this episode, I hope that this helps people who have been in this position. You you know, it could feel personal, and part of it is because someone's saying they need space from you, but it's really understanding it's them that need the time because either some triggers came up or they're not ready to be in a relationship. There's some reason, and if we could ever get to the place of rejection is protection, then when someone takes space, it doesn't feel as bad. It may be a little bit triggering, but it doesn't cause you to emotionally collapse. And this way you don't lose yourself. Because respecting space is not the same as disappearing, and honoring a boundary does not mean silencing your needs. Why I need space hits so deep. It does for a lot of people. When someone asks for space, it doesn't just land in the mind, it lands in the body. Your nervous system may hear, I'm being left. I did nothing wrong. Why is this happening? I did something wrong. This relationship is ending. I'm not important. I'm about to lose this connection. You know, it you can feel like you're being abandoned or rejected, right? Especially for people with attachment wounds. If you have an attachment wound and you really need to be in a relationship or connected to someone and someone needs space for you, it's very triggering. If you have abandonment trauma, which a lot of people do have abandonment issues, it can really be traumatic, right? Again, here it is, somebody's abandoning you again. If you have a history of grief, if you're over giving or a people-pleasing person, it could be like, whoa, I've given so much. I try to make this person happy, and this is what they're doing to me. They need space for me, they're leaving me, they're abandoning me. So space can feel like danger, even when it isn't danger. So before we talk about respecting someone else's boundary, we have to name this truth. Your reaction to their request is information, not failure. And it's to help you understand where you're at because you know, a lot of times people just don't walk into counseling or don't know what wounds they have. And relationships are basically there to teach us about ourselves. We think it's so that we're not alone or we could be lovey-dovey with someone and and just experience love all day, and that really has never been what relationships are about. They're supposed to grow us spiritually, show us what we need to be healed, so that we do our work, because a lot of people wouldn't do their work otherwise. They need a relationship partner to help them to feel motivated to do their work. So when someone takes space from you, it's a chance to really sit and inquire and ask you, ask yourself, how are you really feeling? Do you feel abandonment? Do you feel hurt, anger, rejected? Do you feel like you invested so much time in this person? This is how they're treating you. Um, and and write about it, journal about it. Really get to the heart of the matter of why you're feeling what you're feeling. Don't just go I'm hurt or sad. You know, dig deep. This is a chance to really inquire because what we learn now, we don't have to repeat later. And this way, if you get back with this person and they're doing their work, things are better. If you enter another relationship, it's a better relationship. Every time we work on ourselves, we have a better relationship. That's how it works. I know we think that relationships are just based on being loved, but people only can love at the level of their healing. That's why we need to heal. So, what needing space usually means? Let's clarify something important. When someone asks for space, it usually means one of the following. They are overwhelmed emotionally. That's one of the big reasons. They just need to step back a little bit because they're feeling so overwhelmed in a relationship. Their own triggers are coming up. You know, they're trying to manage their emotions, they need time to regulate their nervous system. They're finding out that they're triggered, that they're not really ready for a relationship. They need clarity before engaging farther. You know, they're just trying to figure it all out. They are processing something personal. They don't want to speak from reactivity, or maybe they're simply just not ready anymore, you know, and that's important because if someone's not ready, it's better that they leave than they stay and they don't really connect with you or they cheat on you, right? It's just best that they go. You don't want anybody to stay with you that doesn't really want to be there, even if you think it's gonna make you feel safe. It won't make you feel safe. So most of the time when people need space, it does not mean that they don't care. That isn't really what it means. They do care, but they got something going on, and it doesn't mean that they're punishing you. You know, usually if people want to punish you, they're just cheat on you, break up with you, move on, right? Um, that you're being rejected. It could feel like rejection, but it's because we want people to satisfy us even when they're not in a space to do that. It's like wanting somebody to overwrite their own pain, their own issues, and to meet our needs, and that's not reality. It just can't happen that way. And it doesn't always mean that you did something wrong. Sometimes it does. Sometimes when couples are fighting or not getting along, they take space, they go on a break, right? They don't call it totally quids, but they go on a break. But we're talking more about one person in the relationship needing space versus the couples, you know, both agreeing to take a break. So space is often a self-regulation strategy, not a relational attack. It's about them getting themselves figured out, figuring out who they are, what they need. Are they ready for a relationship? Can they pour into someone? Do they need to heal some childhood wounds? Do they need to heal how they view relationships and love? There's usually some deep stuff going on, but it may not feel that way, right? It may just feel like I'm being abandoned, I'm being left. What did I do wrong? Can I fix it? Sometimes it could trigger a person to really want to chase a person and fix it, and that can make things worse. Sadly, if someone asks for space, you have to find a way to honor that because it's a boundary. And you know, it can still hurt, right? Especially if you were taught that closeness equals safety, and you're no longer going to be close with someone, and that safety is gone. But you know, that's why you know we have to be whole and healthy before we enter relationships because if we get with someone and they could devastate us so much, that means that there's a wound there beneath the surface. There's always something beneath the surface if we're that devastated because of a breakup or someone taking space. So the difference between respecting space and abandoning yourself. Here's where many people get confused. Respecting someone's boundary does not mean suppressing your feelings, no. Don't have to suppress your feelings, you can still have them. You know, it's just that you can't talk to them while they're having space, or you can talk to your friends, you could talk to a therapist, you can talk about your feelings, you could journal about your feelings, and it does not mean that you're pretending like you don't care. It's okay to care. It may hurt to care, but it's okay to care and definitely journal about it or talk to a therapist about it. Waiting and definitely without clarity. I always tell my clients, I say, look, if it's meant to be, it'll work itself out, but don't you sit there and wait, go out there, date, explore, see what works for you, have some fun. But if you sit there and wait, you could get really angry and upset. And I know some people want to wait because they're like, Well, what if I f end up with somebody else and I never get to see if I was able to repair it with the person who took space? And what I would say to you is if you move on with someone else, that's what's meant to be. There's no wrong turn, but live your life. Life is too short to be waiting on anyone, and you don't want to override your needs. Pay attention to your needs, pay attention to your once desires, triggers, and certainly do not shrink to keep the relationship. So many people do, they compromise in so many ways to where they've lost themselves, they don't speak up, they won't debate anything, they won't question anything, and they just kind of shrink because they don't want to lose the person. So remember, you can end up losing yourself by suppressing your feelings, pretending you don't care, waiting indefinitely without clarity, overriding your needs, shrinking to keep the relationship. And that's those are forms of self-abandonment. And if a person says I need space and they don't say I need a day, a week, a month, and they don't give you a time limit, don't wait. Live your life, it'll work itself out. But respecting space, this is what it means. Not chasing or pressuring, not begging them to be with you. It's really understanding that they need this time, and it's not to hurt you, it's to figure themselves out, not demanding reassurance while they regulate. Because then you're not honoring their space, right? You're saying, reassure me, make me feel safe when they're saying I need the space. Not inserting yourself into their process. This is gonna be hard for some people to really step back and step away, especially if you have some unhealed trauma or abandonment issues, right? But it's a time for you to work on your own issues during that space, you know, not using guilt, fear, or urgency to reconnect. A lot of people do that. And I hear people say, Well, don't they fear losing me? And when I have to say no because they need to heal right now, they need to work on themselves, they're almost upset because they're like, Well, maybe if I make them jealous, they'll come back. And so they start posting stuff on social media and dressing up and looking nice and showing themselves out having fun, hoping that it triggers the person to come back sooner because there's a fear of losing them. When it doesn't work, it can be very devastating, right? So you don't want to try to guilt anyone or create an urgency or have them fear losing you. I know we're taught that people should fear losing you, but is that really healthy? When you think about it, should you have to fear losing someone? You know, ever. Because that's not safe. That's very vulnerable, fearing losing someone, and it doesn't make people react. You know, if somebody fears losing you, they might just say, Okay, I'm afraid of it, but I can't lose myself in the process. I can't stop taking space. So don't set yourself up for further hurt or disappointment or to feel like they really don't care. That's another thing. Don't feel like they don't care about you, they just have to care about themselves more. People are never gonna put someone before them. Okay, if somebody says I need space, they cannot say, Oh, I need to care about you more than my need for space. It just doesn't work. But this is the same, this is something to notice at the same time. You're allowed to have boundaries too. Respect is mutual, not one-sided. So you can say, Okay, I'm not gonna talk to this person, okay. I'm gonna take care of me, I'm gonna heal me. I'm not gonna get caught up and go spying on social media to see if they're with someone. You know, you're not gonna do any of those things, you're gonna take care of you. So they have their boundary of taking space, and you can have your boundary. And when they come back, if they come back, you can have a boundary of what you expect and don't expect. Because if they take space again, it's like maybe that's a no-deal for you. Maybe that's a deal breaker. You let them do it once but not twice. So, what happens when space is not respected? This is a hard one. When someone asks for space and it is not honored, several things happen. Trust erodes. As a person asks for space and you don't give them space, they're gonna not trust you because they're gonna feel like you don't care how they feel, you don't care about their needs, you just want your needs met. And emotional safety decreases because you're not honoring their space, you're not hearing them, you're just hearing your needs. The person needing space feels controlled. You don't want to control anybody, it just isn't worth it. If you gotta control them, they're not worth having. The pursuer feels more anxious, so you can feel very anxious, like I gotta make them come back, I gotta make them come back. And if they say I need space, they're not gonna come back. The relationship begins begin becomes excuse me, becomes about regulation instead of connection. You know, to have a true connection, you have to allow people to be themselves, and you have to love them for who they are instead of who you want them to be. Because wanting them to be what you need them to be is not them being authentic. So when you like someone, you know, a lot of times we start assigning how we want them to be when we really have to respect who they are and ask ourselves, do we really like that person? I have asked clients, I'm like, do you really like this person? Are you just attached or you've been invested so long in the relationship? What does it mean to you to have this person in their life? Are they who who you want in a partner? Common reactions that escalate disconnection, repeated texting or calling when people ask for space. It it's painful, right? Because you probably want that reassurance that they would talk to you and you're contacting them hoping that they'll pick up. But if they're if they don't pick up, it doesn't mean they don't care, they just need space. That's important. Don't turn it into they don't care when you're not honoring a boundary, just checking in messages aren't neutral. Checking in is looking for validation if they talk to you, emotional dumping, sending all sorts of texts and talking about things when they ask for space. You have to really honor that. Asking for re-ins reassurance during the space, you can't trying to fix the relationship immediately, that's a trauma response, too. All of these are, but especially that trying to fix it, you know, these behaviors are understandable, they are, but they often push the person further away. I I mean we've all heard instances where people have taken space, set a boundary, broke up with someone, and the other person's pushing, and that's how restraining orders happen, right? That's how things get tougher. So let's talk about how to respect the boundary in a healthy way. Let's talk about how to do this well, especially when it's hard. It's important. Acknowledge the person's boundary clearly. You could say something like, I hear that you need space, I respect that. Just say, I hear you don't have to like it, but you gotta respect it, right? We don't have to like a lot of things, so we gotta respect boundaries. No arguing, no negotiating, no emotional bargaining. Don't start begging and playing. Because you could really lose yourself in that process and it can hurt and it could be traumatizing. You know, this is why I say explore the wound when somebody takes face. What's really going on for you? Ask clarifying questions, you know, ones that are appropriate. Okay? You can ask, how long do you need? I think that's very important to ask. How long do you need this space for? If they don't tell you, it's like, uh-oh, are they slowly distancing themselves? Are they breaking up? They should be able to tell you around about time. And if they say, I don't know, say, well, you know, I could do this for a month, but if you need longer than a month, that may not work for me. How long can you do this for? You do have a right to say that, and it's not to control them, but it's to say, I will move on. Not to create urgency, but it's just to speak your truth. What does space look like for you? Does that mean no contact at all? No hanging out, no relationship label? What does it mean? Will we reconnect after? I think that's important to ask. And if they can't answer that, they might be breaking up with you. And so definitely ask these questions. It is very important. Then pause. Do not keep revisiting the question. Don't revisit any of the questions. Pause. Regulate your nervous system first. Your urge to reach out is often about your own dysregulation. Ground before acting. Do a somatic exercise. Get up, breathe, take a walk, do some of the shake it off exercise. Do something. Go on YouTube, find a somatic exercise. Look on my website, drdonnelly.com, look at some somatic exercises before you start urging and reaching out and trying to get them to talk to you. Crowned. Do not use space as a test. Withholding to see if they miss you creates power struggles. Respect is not manipulation. Do not do the test, even though it's tempting to do. Use the space for self-connection. Very important. And this is the hardest part, but space invites you back to yourself. This is when you journal. This is when you find out how you're feeling, finding out what your needs are, finding out if you need to heal some type of wound of attachment or abandonment. This is how you discover yourself. Because if someone's asking for space, it does mean for the other party to do some healing work, also they wouldn't be in such a situation. So space invites you back to yourself. It prevents self-abandonment. So when does space feel like rejection? Let's talk about that, okay? Well, sometimes space isn't neutral, sometimes it activates grief, sometimes it mirrors past losses, sometimes it reminds you of being left, of being abandoned. If this is true for you, pause and ask, what old wound is being touched right now? What are you feeling? That goes back to is it abandonment, attachment, the need? You know, are you feeling rejected, hurt, you know, disrespected? You know, what does my body need in this moment? Ask your body what does it need? Does it need rest? Does it need water? Does it need therapy? Am I reacting to the present or the past? A lot of times we're triggered a little bit by the present, but a lot about the past. This is not about shaming yourself, it's about compassionate awareness. You know, shame is just useless. You can't heal, you can't do nothing. And I know, you know, quite a few people grew up with shame. And we used to have that old belief that you can shame people into doing better and acting better, but you really can't. You just can make it worse. You can lower their self-worth and self-esteem and cause self-hatred. And so remember, your feelings are valid. Your behavior, though, is a choice. So you're allowed all your feelings, hurt, anger, rejection, all of it. But don't react because of it. Because then it gets messy, right? And it can ruin any chance of a reconnection. So when space becomes avoidance, let's talk about it. Here's an important boundary for you. If someone repeatedly asks for space but never communicates, never returns, never clarifies, never engages in repair, that's not space. That's avoidance. So know the difference because they're not giving you answers to what we talked about before. You know, like how long do they need space, you know, or anything. So if they're not saying anything, they're avoiding. So they're an avoidant. Respecting someone else's boundary does not mean tolerating emotional limbo indefinitely. Remember how I said you move forward with your life, especially if they can't answer certain things. You are allowed to decide how long am I willing to wait? Okay, don't get caught up in I wait forever because I'm invested in this person, I love this person, I can't see past this person, I can't be with anybody else. Don't do that to yourself. You can also ask yourself, what do you need to feel safe? What does respect look like to you? Because sometimes when people take space, it could look very disrespectful if they're not giving you any guidelines or boundaries or how long they need space for. You know, if they can't answer any questions, they're avoiding or they're planning to break up with you slowly. That's what they're doing. So let's close this out. Respecting space is an act of emotional maturity. It can be painful, but it's emotional maturity. Let's close with this truth. Respecting someone's request for space is one of the most regulated, loving things you can do. It says, I trust you to know what you need. I trust myself to handle this discomfort. I don't need to control to stay connected. And just as importantly, I will not abandon myself while honoring you. You won't chase bag or any of that. You won't create urgency for them to talk to you. Space doesn't have to mean loss. Sometimes it is what makes healthier connections possible, especially if that person is taking space as working on themselves, and then you work on yourselves, you guys come back together and be even better. So I want to thank you for listening. Thank you for practicing. I'm also maturity by even listening to this. Sometimes I'm sure when people listen to one of my podcasts, they may just turn it off because they don't want to hear what I'm talking about. But I have decided on all these topics because I feel like they help people. And the fixture in me, this is how I fix, is trying to help people have solutions for a better life emotionally. So remember, boundaries don't end relationships, they reveal which ones are capable of holding both people. So I want to thank you for listening and have a great day.