Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Stop Funding Situationships

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 33

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Ever felt that urge to prove your value by picking up the bill, floating a loan, or offering a place to stay—especially early in dating? We go straight at the pattern many women carry from childhood: the belief that love must be earned. As a trauma-informed somatic coach, I break down how the fawn response, people pleasing, and fear of abandonment can turn your bank account into a bargaining chip for connection, and why that never produces real safety or lasting commitment.

We draw a firm distinction between generous partnership inside a stable commitment and the dangerous slope of giving money to men you’re just dating. You’ll hear how love bombing creates emotional urgency, how repeated “emergencies” become leverage, and why a healthy man won’t ask for your money in the first place. I share the most common red flags—early sob stories, fast intimacy, guilt when you set limits, promises of payback that never appear—and a simple gut-check to reveal whether you’re building love or funding access.

Most importantly, we map a path out. You’ll get practical scripts to say no without apology, somatic tools to calm the nervous system before you act, and mindset shifts to rebuild self-worth that isn’t transactional. We focus on reciprocity, respect, and the quiet confidence that comes from protecting your resources—money, time, energy, and heart. If you’ve ever confused giving with being kept, or generosity with belonging, this conversation will help you reset your boundaries and attract partners who bring stability, care, and commitment.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs the reminder, and leave a review telling us the boundary you’re setting next. Your money is sacred. Your love is priceless. Let’s keep both that way.

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SPEAKER_00:

My name is Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Now, I'm going to talk to you as a trauma-informed somatic coach and a psychic today. And a woman who has uh worked with thousands of clients, especially women, and around their patterns and relationships. And this one it I y you know, yeah, it's gonna be uncomfortable for some, but I think it's very important because I see this pattern in women and it's something that has to be broken. You know, always always I was always too poor, so I didn't do this, right? But I want to talk about why giving men money is almost always unhealthy and how trauma, people pleasing, and lack of self-worth fuels this behavior. Let me start by saying this. There's one exception. A committed, emotionally healthy marriage, our long-term relationship where both partners support each other mutually is really the only time that you should be giving money to a man. Like sometimes a woman will work and the man will stay at home and take care of the kids. You know that happens because nowadays a lot of women are very educated, making a lot of money, have their own business. A lot of women are becoming millionaires. You'd be surprised how many people you you probably don't even know because they're not bragging about it, are millionaires in their personal business. And so if the woman's making more money, more than likely, you know, she's gonna help out her man to and he's gonna either help her with her business or you you know, she's gonna help him build his, and if they have kids, he's gonna help with the kids because they're a team. So I'm not talking about that. Because if you're in a healthy relationship, yes, you help your partner out. Of course you give the money, of course they can have access to the credit card or whatever, as long as you guys have understanding and trust, right? So that's not what I'm talking about here. What I'm and so I want to make it clear. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about women giving money to men that they're dating and often that they barely know. Um, men who aren't committed to them. Situation ships, that's the new thing, right? You know, we make light of casual relationships and we call it situation shifts, and if you're in one, that's your business, but don't be giving away money. Men who come with sob stories, you know how they say the winter is cuffing season, and some men are gonna need a roof over their head, so they're gonna sweet talk a woman and have a roof over their head. And I've even seen those TikToks of men saying, you know, I'm homeless, but I'm looking for love and a roof over my head. They're very honest. And men who love bomb and then suddenly need money. We we've seen this, right? We hear these stories, we hear them with the dating stories, online dating, and it can happen to almost anyone if you're not careful, you know, because the love bombing that they do really holds in on, especially if you have unhealed trauma and someone's love bombing you, it just feels like connection, it feels good, it feels safe, but they're setting you up to use you. Um women who feel obligated to give, okay, women in general, we are givers. We can't help ourselves. Are women who believe giving makes them valuable? A lot of times we give because we want to feel good, you know, we want to be a good person, this is how we get value, we want to be thought of as being nice. So if your body tensed up hearing any of this, this episode is for you. And this is not about putting anybody down, so I want to be clear about that, but it's about stopping an unhealthy pattern that I've seen, and I've seen women get hurt, and they've helped men so much, and the man never appreciated it and took it for granted. They just took more, and so that isn't what it's about. So remember, let's talk about why this happens and how to break the pattern. Let's let's talk about the root wound. That wound is I must earn love. Women often give men money for one main reason. They learned in childhood that love must be earned. If you grew up feeling responsible for the emotions of adults, which a lot of kids are forced to be parentified and end up taking on adult responsibilities, or if you grew up taking care of everyone, you know, a lot of times that happens even with the child. If you grew up being the strong one, bless your heart, it's hard being the strong one. You take on a lot and you can feel unseen and unheard. And so a man being nice to you, oh yeah, you could fall for it, and it's a rude wound. If you grew up being praised for being helpful, it's in your subconscious now, it's in your your I don't want to say DNA, but you know, as a phrase, it's in you, you know, to give. If you never feel chosen, and here someone's choosing you, you're gonna help them financially to keep them around. If you grew up being overburdened with adult responsibilities too young, or needing to perform to avoid abandonment, then your nervous system associates giving with safety. It does. You learned if I give, I'm valuable. If I help, I be kept. If I take care of you, you won't leave me. And that's really the big one, right? If I stop helping, I lose him, he'll leave, he'll go be with somebody else. Um that's why a lot of reasons why women give money to men. That they're not in a committed relationship with. And often there's this big tug of war in the relationship where they're constantly waiting for that commitment, and so they give and give, and they never get the commitment, right? So the man will demand more and they hope one day they have given enough, and it's really when the woman burns out and says I'm done, that's how it ends. And it could be heartbreaking at that point, right? Because a woman's realized she's wasted time. So women don't give men money because they're generous. They give because deep down inside they're terrified of not being enough without the man. And so that's why they give the money. It's a trauma response dressed up as generosity. That's what it is. It's a trauma response dressed up as generosity. So now let's talk about the fawn response and people pleasing. Let's talk about the trauma response most women never recognize. It's called fawning. F-A-W-N-I-N-G. Fawning is a nervous system saying very much so. I do whatever you need so I don't get abandoned. That's really what it's saying. For some women, that looks like always being available, right? You could be waiting on his call, and you know, you could call him and he doesn't pick up, but then he calls and you jump, you just drop everything, right? You're always being available. You're overgiving emotionally. What do you need? How can I make him comfortable? You're not being your authentic self because you don't want to rock the boat. Overgiving physically, yeah, giving him all this, you know, intimacy and making sure he's satisfied and you're not always satisfied, and overgiving time and attention, and just giving and trying to impress him and prove that you're not like other women and you're better. And for many, overgiving financially, it happens where even if the woman has a child with them, she won't demand child support because she thinks he'll leave her, and so he doesn't really give her as much money, you know, and so that's a common thing that women do, or they pay all the bills and he's living there and he's enjoying his money and not contributing. And of course you build up resentment. And so giving him money is a way to keep his attention, right? You're trying to keep his attention, a way to earn his affection, a way to hold him close to you, a way to avoid disappointment, it's a way to feel useful, and a way to feel chosen. Women think they're helping, but what they're really doing is performing for love. It's performing for love, ladies. And love earned through performance is not love. It's emotional labor with a price tag that you never stop paying. You hear that? It will cost you continuously. So many women never realize this. So let's talk about how trauma teaches this pattern of buying love. Many women never realize this, but giving money to a man is often an attempt to buy emotional safety. You're not buying love, you're buying belonging. You want to believe that he's yours and you're his. You're trying to purchase reassurance, connection, intimacy, validation, the illusion of stability, the fantasy of being chosen, the dream of if I help him now, he'll love me later and he'll be committed to you and down for you and always be with you, right? That's what a lot of women think, that they're building loyalty and trust in a deeper bond. But that isn't what really happens. You know, trauma twists the story. You're not giving him money, you're giving your inner child hope that this time someone will stay. I'm gonna repeat that. You're not just giving him money, you're giving your inner child hope that this time someone will stay, that he will stay with you. And I've seen women give and give and not even pay their own bills, but they're paying his. I've seen that. Giving becomes a way to avoid the pain you've already lived through. And when he accepts the money, your nervous system mistakes it as acceptance of you. But he's only accepting your money. He's not always really accepting you. But he's not choosing you, he's choosing your resources. You hear that? He's choosing your resources, not you, what you can do for him. And that's the problem is that you're giving and giving and giving, and what are you receiving in return? Let that sit for a moment. You're a resource, and I don't mean to be cruel. And I know that and I hear it, you know, when I coach, I read for women in situations like this. I hear the pain, I hear the I need this to work, I'm gonna give, I'm gonna try, I'm gonna make this happen. I hear it, I see it, I get it, I know what's going on, but it just doesn't work. So now we're gonna talk about men who take advantage, the red flags. Because the red flags are there, but a lot of times if you've been looking for someone to date for a long time and everybody's like a no, and then you find one there, yes, you overlook the red flag. For a lot of women, their biggest fear is being alone, and they will do anything to prevent that. I've seen women put up with things that are pretty awful because they're like, I'd be alone otherwise. They stay in unhealthy marriages, you know, just unhealthy relationships, and their soul gets beaten down in the process. So even if he isn't physically laying hands on you, he's emotionally laying hands on you and financially ruining you. A lot of women end up fixing finances for men who are not good to them. So, women, you know, you may often excuse the signs because you don't want to be alone. You really want that love, right? You want that relationship, you want that commitment, and if it just starts off a little bit rocky, that's okay. You hope that it gets better. So a healthy man does not need your money. I'm gonna say that again. A healthy man does not need your money because he has his own. And if you talk to certain men, they just are like, I'm not taking money from no woman. They're like, no, you know, uh-uh, no way. They just won't do it. Their their ego won't allow it. And so it's and it's also because they believe their role as a man is to provide for a woman, or sometimes, you know, if both of you are in a relationship, you may share bills, but they're not gonna take money from you and and keep on doing that. And you know, if you go, I just give money this one last time, it'll never end, it'll keep on happening. A healthy man does not ask for your money. He's never gonna ask you for money. He'd ask anybody and everybody else, but not his woman. He'd cry to his mama, he will cry to friends, he will hustle, he will do what it takes, but he's not gonna ask you for money, and he's not gonna expect you to provide a place to stay right away. That's not romantic if they're ready to move in immediately. You know, it isn't. A healthy man does not accept your money unless you are in a mutual established marriage or long-term partnership. That's really the only time, and that makes sense because you're a team. Remember, if you don't feel like a team in your relationship, if it doesn't feel equal, or if you think you have to keep on giving to him and one day he'll commit to you, it's not good. No, only in a long term partnership or established marriage should you be giving men money. And the men who do take money from you, from women, usually have patterns. Let's talk about the patterns that they have. Because it's important to discuss this. They love bomb really fast. I mean they pour it on thick and they can keep it going because they're getting off by doing that. And if they see you responding, it can happen. You know, I tell you something, when I was on the dating sites looking to date, you know, I thought I was good at screening, and one who got past initial screening and we started talking was doing a love bombing, and something said, play along, see what this is about, because it was thick. You know, some people do love fast because they grew up in a healthy relationship, they feel, you know, with healthy childhood, they can love fast, but this person was pointed on thick, and uh I started playing along with it. And I would say a month into it, he literally asked me for several thousand dollars. And I told him, I said, You picked the wrong person. First of all, I'm cheap. I'm gonna spend my money on me, our charity, our a loved one in desperate need. I'm not giving those strange man money. And you rem I'm gonna tell you something, we were only talking, we had not met in person or nothing else, but they'd do this, and they'd love bomb you, and if you're afraid to be alone, you could get caught up. And then I confronted him, and I told him that I knew what he was doing, and I read him like a book, and then I told him off. I was pretty harsh. And he was like, You don't have to be mean about it. And I said, You shouldn't be doing this. And I said, You better not be looking for another victim. I tried to flag him on the site, I don't know if it worked. Um, you know, that's why there's that group called Are We Dating the Same Guy? You know, the that group I think is throughout the US, but if you just Google it on Facebook, you find it. You know, look into those things because you want to know ahead of time if you're dealing with someone that you shouldn't be dealing with. But yeah, if they love mom really fast, run, you know, or or if you're not ready to run, just kind of sit back and listen and see what they're all about and see if they're making promises. You you know, it's weird that people do that in this day and age with all this awareness and modern technology, but you you know, men like that are pathological, so they they just believe their own BS and they hope that you believe it too. And they create emotional urgency, you know, they just really do that bond and that need and you know they share early sob stories of something they're going through. At first they didn't want to share it, and then they're like, but I trust you now, we're close now, so I'm gonna tell you what I'm going through. And so they're hooking you in. There that's what it is, it's a hook. And they say things like, I just need a little help. And you know, you at this point you might be like, Oh, it's okay. You know, it's just a little bit. I have plenty. What's wrong with helping somebody? There's nothing wrong with helping somebody, but if this is a romantic partner or someone that you just met and you don't have a history with, no. They imply that you're special for helping. They're they're digging into that childhood wound, right? They guilt you for not helping. They will, they'll guilt you, they have no shame. They act offended when you say no. Oh yeah, they get mad, and I I enjoyed when the one guy who was messing with me got mad, it was fun. And they will always say that they'll pay you back, but this is what I realize. I I talked to him and I said, has he paid you back for anything yet? No. And they go, No. And I said, So you keep on giving, and at what point do you think you're gonna get paid back? And they're quiet. And it's like they're not gonna pay you back. They're gonna keep on saying that when they were supposed to have money from that job or something, they never have it, right, to pay you back. They text less once you they get the money from you, right? They stop communicating as much or they disappear, and they only come back around when they want more money. I remember when I was living in low-income housing, you know, late teens, early twenties with my son and being on welfare, and it was the first of the month, and back then, you know, we would get our checks in a mailbox, and we had this one big mailbox center, and all the checks would be there, and literally women who haven't seen their man in a week or two or something, the man was there on the first, and the woman would smile and would be so happy. It's like he's here, and he was there to get some money from her, he was willing to take some of her wealth. Welfare check that's for her and her kids, and you know that money doesn't really last the whole month. It it barely gets you through. And sometimes they the woman was happy to give it to them because when you're on welfare or are you poor, sometimes you have low self-esteem. And you can just feel like nobody's gonna want me. I'm not desirable, I'm never gonna have a relationship. So someone paying attention to you, you're like, oh wow. And so you get caught up in a cycle and you don't realize that you're giving money and that they're only showing up on the first. And I remember seeing that. And I I guess that's why it's never been me, because I've seen the pain. I seen the cycle of it happening. It's just like, no, no, that I can't go through that. This breaks my heart to watch these women go through it. So yeah, they will text you less once they get the money, and then when they need money again, it's like, hey baby, and they may warm you up for a week and you may feel like oh he's back and everything's fine. Then all of a sudden, you know, can you give me a couple of dollars, you know, for gas, for food, for something to help with the rent? You know, then suddenly they have multiple emergencies. That's another red flag. And you know, some people just claim to have so many crises, right? When they don't. And they depend on women instead of stabilizing their own lives. Because it becomes a grift. They're grifting, right? And it's a great way to make money living off of women. We hear these stories of con man or the dying and dash guy, he takes women out to a fancy restaurant, so he's done the love bombing, takes them to a fancy restaurant, and he eats all this great food, he goes to the bathroom and he's gone, and the woman's left with the check. That happens too. Um, and even this could happen along the lines if you've been with them for a while. So remember, these men don't need a girlfriend. They need a mother. Well I shouldn't even say that. No, they just need to grow up. But don't be their mommy. Their mother probably got tired of them too. And they're recruiting you into that role through your trauma to be their mommy, you know, a nurse or a purse, a mommy, you know, all that stuff, right? But you're not responsible for raising a grown man. Love is not a charity project, okay? Love is not a charity project. So let's talk about self-worth and the urge to prove value. Let's talk about it. Women who give financially are often women who believe that without giving they're not enough. Giving to a man is almost always tied to that one belief. Without giving, I am not enough. Often that is what is tied to. So women who give financially are often women who doubt their worth, right? They fear abandonment because you gotta know your worth. You know, in society we turned it into if you love yourself, you must be a narcissist, and that's just crazy because that's not what it is. You gotta love yourself and don't try to be humble about that. You gotta be on fire about loving yourself and do whatever healing it takes to know your worth. You know, women who fear abandonment or have a history of being used, right? It's these are things that get caught up in why women will give money to a man. You grew up unseen, were told that they were difficult, too much, or hard to love, so you're gonna buy that love. Felt that they had to compensate for love. Believe that they must prove that they are valuable. So love becomes very transactional, and money becomes a shortcut to approval. A woman with high self-worth doesn't give a man money because she sees herself as surprised, not him. And so y you know, think about it, and it's interesting because every once in a while, you know, I hear a woman say, you know, there's a part of me that has to heal that got me caught up in this. So it's not about blaming or putting down. A lot of us have trauma that we had to heal from. And it is very important to recognize that and not feel broken or bad or insecure. Just go, hey, I need to heal. That's all it is. So a woman with little self-worth gives money because on some level, on some level she thinks he won't stay for me. But he might stay for what I give. Right? But that belief is a lie that trauma taught you. You don't have to earn love. I'm gonna say it again. You don't have to earn love. You don't have to buy a connection, you don't have to pay for someone to see your worth. Your worth is intrinsic, not transactional. You hear me? It is not transactional. And you know, this is a topic that I can go on forever about because I've seen it and it breaks my heart. And you know, women, we have to know our worth. We have to love ourselves, love our bodies, our minds, our spirit, be proud of what we've accomplished, and you know, know that you survived up to this moment and to know your worth. Because once you know your worth, you will attract a better quality man who will be your partner and will do for you instead of just taking from you. You know, you can have a give and take relationship where you're both giving to each other, and the more that you pour into each other, the more abundance, right? The more love, the more connection, the more safety, the more security. So let's close with this healing truth. If you if you've ever given a man money, it doesn't make you stupid, it makes you wounded, it makes you human, it makes you someone who was taught to survive through giving. But here's the shift. You're allowed to be supported, you're allowed to say no, you're allowed to expect reciprocity. Yes, you're allowed to choose men who stand on their own feet, yes. You're allowed to stop financing your relationships, you shouldn't be doing that. Your money is sacred. You've worked your butt off for it. Your time is sacred, your energy is sacred, your heart is sacred. You are sacred, and you never have to pay to be loved. You are worthy because you are you, not because of what you give. And I can't stress that enough. You are to always, even if you gotta say it over and over until you believe it, if you gotta go to therapy, whatever wounds you gotta heal and face, even if it's painful, face it because it shapes your whole life, it will shape your relationships. You know what they say? Whatever you don't heal in your life, you will face in your relationships. Whatever you don't heal in your childhood, you will marry it. You will face it in your relationships. It that's what's happening here. And so that's why you want to deal with it. Because once you free yourself from that, you can have your dream relationship. And love will come and it's never too late for love. Women find love in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, you know, whatever, right? And so if you want the ideal love, it's not just writing on a piece of paper who you want him to be, but it's who are you so that you can attract that quality man. So I want to thank you for listening and have an amazing day.