Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Why Infidelity Happens: A Trauma-Informed Look at Unhealed Wounds and Emotional Escape

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 33

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The story we’re told about infidelity is simple: someone wanted something new. The truth is harder and more useful—most affairs begin where unhealed wounds meet an opportunity to escape. We pull back the curtain on how trauma, unmet emotional needs, and a dysregulated nervous system create the perfect storm for secrecy, fantasy, and temporary relief that collapses under daylight.

Across thousands of readings and coaching sessions, clear patterns emerge. People aren’t just choosing a person; they’re choosing a version of themselves that feels chosen, powerful, and alive. We unpack the rescue illusion, the inner child’s drive for validation and novelty, and why love alone can’t heal what therapy, boundaries, and communication are built to address. You’ll hear direct guidance on mapping triggers, naming needs without shame, and creating a culture of repair before crisis hits.

We also tackle the hard reframe: an affair partner is often easier, not better. No shared history, no bills, no accountability, no parenting load—less real life to trigger old wounds. That ease masquerades as destiny, but it’s frequently avoidance dressed as chemistry. When the high fades, guilt and anxiety roar back. If you’ve been betrayed, you’ll find language that restores worth and centers safety. If you strayed, you’ll get compassionate accountability and the right questions to break the cycle: What pain was I trying to escape? What need did I avoid naming? Where does my history repeat?

Whether you’re rebuilding together or choosing to part, this conversation offers a roadmap: end secrecy, tell the truth safely, stabilize your nervous system, set transparent boundaries, and practice communication that can hold conflict without collapse. Subscribe, share with someone who needs clarity today, and leave a review with the insight that shifted your view the most.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. My name is Dr. Donna and today I want to talk about it this may be a tough subject for some people, but I find it very important to have this discussion. Because over the past 25 years of doing readings and coaching, a lot of calls have been about this particular topic. And you know, it brings a lot of pain. And I just I'm a fixer, right? And I'm trying to unravel what's going on to help people see the signs so that they can stop themselves or they can stop their partner from doing this. So the topic today is how affairs really happen, the trauma, fantasy, escape, and unhealed wounds behind infidelity. So this is a big one. And it may be triggering to some people, and if you feel that way, then feel free not to listen. But I think it's time for me to have this talk because it's a big issue in society. And what I've learned from being a somatic grief coach and a professional psychic medium is that you know there's reasons for behavior, and if we could learn why the behavior is happening, we could prevent it. And that's very important to me. I'm all about prevention. It's easy to judge and say affairs are wrong. No kidding, they hurt people. No kidding. Tell me something different. We know. We know it brings pain, it breaks up families. A lot of things happen, right? People get hurt. So let's just discuss this. This is what I've learned. And I always said one day I'm gonna write a book about this. But this is what I've learned about affairs and why people have them, and hopefully you learn something today to stop yourself or stop your partner, or you know, um go into counseling to prevent yourself from being in this situation. So affairs are one of the most common topic topics that people call me about, they call my peers about when it comes to readings. Whether I'm working as a psychic or somatic grief healer or a trauma-informed coach, people want to know why did the person cheat on them? Why did they choose someone else? Was I not enough? Was it real love? Are they going to leave their spouse for me? Why did they choose a fantasy over our connection? And so I've talked to people on both sides of the aisle, and it's interesting because I've heard people say, you know what, I judge people for having affairs and then I turned around and had one. And I am shocked. And you know, as we go through this topic today, I tell you why I'm not shocked, even though I don't know the person. But a lot of times we don't know what our wounds are, and that's why it's important therapy counseling to face our wounds so that we don't hurt ourselves or other people that we love. And so let's go through this journey. But after thousands of readings and deep emotional conversations, I've learned one truth, and this is what I've really learned. Affairs really happen because someone wants a new person. They happen because someone wants a new version of themselves, so they really don't want to get rid of their partner, they just aren't making peace with themselves, and they use another person to escape the parts of themselves they haven't healed. That's usually what it is. It's trauma behavior. And I know people are like, oh, well, don't excuse, I'm not excusing anything, but I'm gonna get direct here. I am a fixer, and I want people to know what to look out for because I've seen the pain that is happening. A lot of us have been cheated on, right? Seen the pain. I've not cheated on anybody, but I have been cheated on, and it brings pain. And I am all about trying to avoid the pain by healing the pain. Okay, so we're gonna continue. Affairs are not about sex, they're about trauma, fantasy, emotional wounds, avoidance, and unmet emotional needs. You know, sex gets used as a way to connect, right? We're taught in society that's the ultimate connection, sex, but really when people sleep with someone, they're looking to be healed, they're looking for a fantasy, they're avoiding the pain, you know, they're definitely, you know, not dealing with their trauma and they're trying to get a fix so that they don't feel the wounds. So let's talk more about the real reasons affairs happen and what's actually going on beneath the surface. So we're gonna keep on diving deep into this. Okay, affairs begin in unhealed trauma, not desire. You know, it looks like oh they're desiring somebody else because they're acting different, they're lying, they're hiding. You know, it looks that way, but most affairs don't start with seduction, they start with emotional pain. That is what I've learned. So we have this perception of affairs, but that isn't how it really goes down at all. I've learned that from talking to thousands of people. I've done a documented almost 130,000 readings, and you'd be surprised how many have dealt with affairs. So unheld trauma often looks like feeling invisible in childhood, not being nurtured, consistently being criticized, emotional abandonment, chronic loneliness, people pleasing, being the strong one who never gets support, growing up in a household where love was conditional, and never learning how to communicate needs, attachment wounds that were never resolved. And you'd be surprised. Uh when I ask people like, do you have any of these things that went on? They're like, Yes, or like, did your partner have these things? Yes. And you know, they go, Well, I married them anyway, although they had the wounds because I thought that the love would heal that. And love is great, but love can't heal trauma. Therapy can. You know, that's just and and really trauma is there, but it gets lessened, right? It gets manageable, you can navigate it, and that's what therapy is for. I know society has sold love as this powerful all end all be all thing, but it really isn't. People can only love at the level of their healing, and once we understand that, we uh really understand our relationships. So when these wounds go unaddressed in adulthood, they create emotional hunger, a hunger that a affair temporarily feels. The person having the affair isn't running towards passion, they're running away from pain. And a lot of times what happens is that they're married to someone that they love deeply, but there's so much pain there, they're running from the pain. Because our spouses are our romantic partners, they bring up our stuff, right? Which you don't feel in childhood will be expressed in your relationship. So they run away from that relationship that's triggering them, their vulnerabilities, their pain, their insecurities, their doubts. They run towards someone else as an escape. So they're escaping. And so affairs are aesthetics. They numb the wound temporarily until the fantasy collapses. Affairs the affair as an escape from emotional responsibility. Affairs are often an escape from responsibility and communication. And I'm gonna do a whole nother podcast on the breakdown of communication and relationships and how that angle leads to affair. Um, emotional intimacy, that's what it is, it's an escape from being emotionally intimate with your partner, self-reflection, accountability, the discomfort of facing their own pain. Because you think about it, when you have affairs new, it's fresh, it hasn't gotten deep yet. There they might be trauma bonding or they may be love bonding, but it's not deep. You know, it's more of a love bomb thing going on. So it's easier to escape into someone new than it is to face the arguments at home. That arguments are really about try know triggers, right? The emotional disconnection in the marriage, their own unresolved trauma, their inability to set boundaries, their avoidance style, and I'm gonna do a podcast on being with an avoidant, their lack of emotional regulation, their shame, their unmet needs because they're too afraid to express them. And that happens often with people who have affairs. They're afraid to express their needs with their partner, and they don't even give their partner a chance, right? And then they go somewhere else. So an affair is a shortcut, an emotional detour. It's a way to feel good without doing the work, it's a way to feel wanted without vulnerability, it's a way to feel powerful without taking responsibility. The fare is not about the other person, it's about avoiding the truth. It really is. And you know, I I know that I've talked to people and you know they may have fallen in love, and sometimes people leave their spouse for a new person, but there's a lot of wounds beneath it. This is why second marriages have a higher divorce rate than the first round of marriage. I think it goes up to like 65% for second marriages because people you know, we divorce for many reasons, right? I've never been divorced, but people divorce for many reasons, and they get with another partner and they haven't healed anything. And so they think this new love's gonna fix it, and it doesn't, it really explodes things bigger, and then they end up divorced. That's why second marriages often don't work because no one really went to therapy and fixed themselves. So the fantasy of I can be a different version of myself here, and it's often an escape, and people talk about how good they felt, you know, because they're able to escape their own pain and just live in that moment. So one of the biggest truths about affairs is this people are not addicted to the person they're having the affair with, they're addicted to the version of themselves they get to be in the affair. That really is what it is. I don't mean to be cruel to anyone who's thinking that the person really loves them. Every once in a while they may really love them, but this is what's going on. In the affair, they feel desired, they feel admired, they feel powerful, they feel seen, they feel chosen, they feel important, they feel special, they feel validated, they feel alive. The fantasy person gives them an identity, not just affection. They get to escape the pressures of real life and slip into a romanticized role where they don't have to deal with bills, responsibility, conflict, communication, emotional labor, accountability, parenting, their partners' needs, the consequences of their trauma. Affairs are emotional theater, a place where they can pretend. That's often what's happening. But fantasies always collapse when reality enters the room. And it will at one point because we can't run from ourselves. You know what the saying is every time you run somewhere else, there you are. Every time you try to run away from yourself, there you are. You can't run away from yourself, your pain or your trauma. So the rescue illusion. This person will save me. Let's talk about it. Affairs often include a rescue fantasy. One or both people believe this new person will save me from my unhappiness. They often do believe that. They will help me escape my marriage. They understand me in ways my spouse doesn't. I feel alive with them. You hear that often. This is my chance to start over. Right? Because some people don't want to leave and be alone. And so they want to have another person to hop to. But this is trauma speaking, not truth. Affairs activate inner child wounds. They do. They will, they bring up all that stuff. Hero victim dynamics, save your fantasies being saved by this is my true love now, abandonment fears, codependent impulses. The affair partner becomes a symbol, a symbol of relief, escape, and emotional comfort. But the rescue fantasy is always temporary. It's always temporary. It is. You cannot build a real life on escapism. You can't. Eventually the affair partner becomes a real person, flaws and awe, and the fantasy dissolves. And I've heard that before. They're like, oh, I was dating that person, I don't even feel it no more. You know, because the longer you get to know someone, their real cells is gonna come out, right? Your real self will come out, theirs will you have the same triggers with the new person if you haven't gone to therapy. And so nothing has changed. Affairs are almost always about unmet emotional needs. Always. Always affairs are almost always about unmet emotional needs. Almost always. The core emotional need people seek in affairs include validation. You know, maybe your spouse isn't validating you at home, maybe you haven't given them a chance to validate you. Attention, you're getting a lot of attention. It's the beginning, and if you are married and you have kids, you know, your attention you don't get as much, right? Because you gotta take care of the kids, the house, the spouse. And so in the affair, all of that's gone. Importance, novelty, emotional intimacy. You know, there's often a trauma bond happening, reassurance, connection, excitement, escape. Yeah, that is often what is happening there big time, and so also being seen, being wanted, maybe you're not feeling wanted by your partner, so you go have an affair, feeling alive, experiencing being chosen. That means a lot to people. These unmet needs usually come from childhood, not from the spouse or partner. So it's still your inner child looking for these things, and it's not because your partner is letting you down, it's because your childhood wounds. Your partner did not create your emotional wound. They triggered the wound you already had, that's for sure. That's what relationships do, they trigger us so that we could grow and heal. That's the whole point of relationships. This is why affairs don't fix anything. You cannot heal your childhood through a secret relationship. And remember, I'm saying this. I don't judge because I'm about what point is judging. And I know people are gonna be like, they're wrong, period. Okay, and but let's try to stop it from happening. You you know, I've just I think that's the biggest thing is trying to understand yourself and your partner and always tell people if you get in a relationship and you're serious about the partner, go to couples counseling together. You know, um always go to therapy for yourself, heal your wounds, date someone who only has done their work if you've done the work, and then when you get together, see if you're compatible through couples counseling. See if you have aligned goals, see if you guys can work out together. I think that's very important. You know, because you can't heal your childhood but through other people. And like you you know how you meet people, how they're always in a relationship, they're looking to heal a wound. And so being alone would be uncomfortable because they don't want to feel those wounds, so they're hoping the other person heals it for them. And it just doesn't work. Let's talk about the somatic truth. The body seeks what the heart cannot say. When someone has an affair, their body is dysregulated. They might be in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn phase. Yeah. Because you're you're not regulated because there's all these wounds, right, coming to the surface. And and yes, there are people who have problems in their marriage and they want to find another person that is there, but it often starts with childhood stuff. So an affair is an attempt to regulate the nervous system with pleasure, excitement, and novelty. That's what's happening. It's like emotional adrenaline. It lifts them out of their pain, but it's only temporary, right? It's not permanent, it's only temporary. But after the high wears off, they feel guilt, shame, confusion. That is true. I've seen that a lot where they feel that. The guilt, shame, confusion, like why did I do that? Because often these affairs don't have sustainable love. Now there are some people who are on their way out of their marriage and they're gonna leave their partner, and they will go on with the next partner, but again, you want to do therapy so that that next relationship will last. Okay, so once the high wears off, they also feel emptiness, unworthiness, self-disgust, panic, fear, loneliness. It can make them fall into a depression, even become suicidal. The fear does not resolve anxiety, it amplifies the anxiety. That's what really happens. The body does not feel safer after an affair, it feels more fractured. And and that's true, that's what I've learned. You you know, um it's amazing how people talk to me before, during, after an affair. And then when they get back or if they got back with their partner who had an affair, they tell you these things. So affairs are not about someone better. They're about someone easier, often. That's what it is. And I know if you've been cheated on, it's like, do they think this person's better than me? No, they don't. That isn't what's going on. They're looking for someone that will help them escape their pain. That's what's happening. So the truth, and this is the truth, that everyone needs to hear. And a fair partner is not better than you. They're simply easier, right? They don't have, you know, all the baggage of taking care of kids in the home and y you know, the years and the history of trying to work through stuff, right? And so they don't have the history with the person. They don't have the responsibilities. They're not being held accountable because it's a high. They don't require emotional honesty. You know, they don't challenge them. They don't expect consistency. They don't trigger their wounds because they're in the high phase. It's feeling good. So that's why they're easier. They don't demand real intimacy. Everything is filtered and sometimes performed. They're easier because the relationship isn't real. It may feel real but often it isn't. It doesn't have staying power. That's why a lot of affairs end. And so affairs thrive in the dark because fantasy cannot survive in the daylight. I'm going to say that again affairs thrive in the dark because fantasy cannot survive in the daylight. So let's talk about how healing begins. Whether you're betrayed or the person who has hurt someone healing from an affair means healing the wounds beneath it. It really does. There's no way around it. If you were betrayed if you were cheated on you need to know it wasn't your fault. You didn't cause it you didn't fail you weren't inadequate you weren't lacking anything. You didn't need to be prettier thinner smarter none of that. That's all bullshit. You don't need to be any of those things. You were hurt by someone's unhealed trauma not your own worth. If you're the one who had the fear you need compassion and accountability not shame. I don't believe in shaming people if you got a problem with that you got a problem with that. But shame never helped anybody and think about it I will do a podcast on shame. Those are deep wounds. You need compassion and accountability not shame I'm repeating that you need to ask what pain was I trying to escape? That is very important. What pain was I trying to escape? What emotional needs was I ignoring what part of myself felt unworthy of love? What am I afraid to face in myself? Because the hardest thing we do is face ourselves right where does my history repeat itself we gotta look at our history we all have a history that is so important to look at you cannot ignore that. No matter which side you're on if you cheated or been cheated on healing requires honesty, nervous system work boundaries communication and trauma awareness that is so important. Affairs are not just about sex, right? They are not ch they are about wounds. And until the wound is healed the pattern continues. That is important to understand and these things have to be understood because y you know a lot of people will end up having an affair and people that means people be cheated on and there'll be pain and hurt and devastation. But if we could peel off the layers of why this really happened, of course it could feel personal to be cheated on. You know? And sadly it can cause a person who is cheated on to fight harder for the relationship to really push by dressing sexy or getting you know plastic surgery or you know trying new things and that's all fun and dandy right it's all fine and dandy if you want to do that. But that will only help for so long. It will only be exciting for so long. You won't really have the relationship back together until those underlying wounds are addressed. And I know a lot of times we try to avoid those underlying wounds but they have to be addressed. And I've seen this over and over you know um yeah some people there's a situation where one person has left the spouse already but they're dating someone who's married who says they're going to leave and if that person hasn't left yet you have to look at why do they even have plans of leaving you know maybe they're just you know using this affair as an escape. And so there's a lot of painful things that have to be addressed when it comes to affairs. There's no comfort here. It's all discomfort and you know you have to look at the painful parts to be able to heal and resolve this to decide are you going to work on your relationship and end the affair and just go back to your main partner are you saying this relationship is done and I'm going to go and start something with the person who I had affair with you have to get clear. But it's very painful and and messy but if we would just take time to work on ourselves and heal ourselves and stop seeing it as a negative thing going to therapy a lot of this can be avoided it really can. And you know if we stop looking for people to fix us to heal us to make us whole and we just work from the angle of you know I have to be a whole person and the person who comes into my life they're not completing me they're icing on the cake but I am complete on my own and making sure that you've done your work and you only date people who have done their work and that's always been a deal breaker for me. I have been to therapy and I always tell the guy if you haven't gone to therapy we're not dating and we ain't dating because we're not going to be equally yoked if one has gone through therapy and the other hasn't but you have to have some strict guidelines. A lot of times we loosen up our expectations because we like the person we we want to be with the person and we miss some of the signs and then later on it blows up and again I'm always trying to work on prevention and understanding why things happen so that people will respond differently and understand differently and you know that you know affairs are a trauma event. It's not excusing it but it explains it. You know it isn't just about oh feeling good and I've seen some podcasts where people talk about well if you don't satisfy your spouse they're going to cheat. Well sure but if you can work on a communication and you guys are expressing what you need first you can prevent that. But yeah sometimes people have a partner where they're expressing their needs to their partner and the partner doesn't care. And so that person's like hey why am I in this marriage? I'm going to find somebody else so affairs are messy they're complicated there's many tentacles this is one angle I'm going to do more podcasts on affairs. I'm going to talk about just the communication component of affairs in another podcast but you know let's work on ourselves and know that's not a bad thing. That's a good thing that we're worth it. We deserve healing and peace. So I want to thank you for listening and have a great day.