Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Why Caring About Others’ Opinions Keeps You Small

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 34

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What if the loudest critic in your life isn’t “them,” but your nervous system trying to keep you safe? We pull apart the quiet mechanics behind caring too much about other people’s opinions—why belonging once meant survival, how conditional love trains us to people‑please, and why replaying conversations is your body scanning for threat, not a moral failure. From there, we take a candid look at projection: the way unhealed fears get thrown onto you as labels like selfish, too much, or arrogant. You’ll hear clear examples that demystify why confident moves attract insecure reactions, and why someone else’s discomfort is not evidence you’re wrong.

We also get real about the myth of controlling perception. Two people can witness the same moment and form opposite judgments because each view is filtered through personal history and healing. That’s why overexplaining, avoiding conflict, and editing your personality never deliver peace—they demand self‑abandonment and still leave you misunderstood. Instead, we share simple, grounded somatic practices to calm the body: noticing the urge to fawn or freeze, lengthening exhales, feeling your feet, and letting your spine settle so you can hear feedback without collapsing into it.

The payoff is practical and profound. When your body feels safe, opinions lose their grip. You stop asking whether they like you and start asking whether you’re honest with yourself. You set clean boundaries, allow misunderstandings to exist, and choose alignment over approval—even if that means some relationships shift. We close with a liberating truth: most people aren’t thinking about you as much as you fear, and their reactions say more about their wounds than your worth. If you’re ready to trade overthinking for self‑trust, press play, subscribe, and share this with someone who needs the reminder. Then tell us: where will you stop seeking permission and start moving?

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast. Today we're going to talk about something that quietly shapes almost every decision people make. That is caring what other people think about you. So many people do. When I'm doing readings, it comes up, you know, not just about asking what a romantic interest thinks about you, but it's like, well, what does this friend think and that person think? And you you know, how do they feel about this decision I made? And yeah, sometimes you want to know about the people in your life so that you know where to place them in your life. You know if they're thinking bad about you or if they don't wish you well, but some people spend a lot of time, you know, worrying about what other people think about them, and they're not making moves, you know, that are authentic because they're making moves according to I don't want to be judged. So for many for many people, worrying about what other people think about them, this isn't vanity at all. It isn't eagle either. It's survival. And that's really what it is. And it shows up as overthinking about what you said. Should you have said this or that or said it differently? Are people gonna be mad at you? You know, that's a very common thing that people worry about, and so they overthink. Replaying interactions, that's another big one. A lot of times we do replay the scenarios in our head and wonder if we could have said something differently or been nicer, or is this person going to be mad because I said this? And I will tell you a side note, if you can't speak your truth, as long as you're not rude, and someone gets mad at you speaking your truth, there you they really shouldn't be in your world. You know, and there are some people like that because they have their own triggers and issues. They want you to walk on eggshells, and you can't walk on eggshells. Um, a lot of people will edit themselves, right, to be more palatable. You know, they will mince their words, they will say something other than what they really want to say. And it's done often. People do it in relationships so that they don't lose a person. But what you do lose is yourself and your authenticity. Um it also shows up as holding back your truth. A lot of people will, you know, they won't be real about what they feel inside, they'll put their needs to the side because they care too much about how the other person's gonna respond. Um, it also shows up as feeling exposed, judged, or misunderstood. So this episode is about why it's important to stop organizing your life around other people's opinions. Just stop doing that. You know, that is very important and why most people are not even thinking about you as nearly as much as your nervous system believes they are. I think that's the hardest thing for a lot of us to realize. We're thinking that they're obsessing over something we did and they're not really giving it a second thought. Or if they think about it for a moment and then it passes, it may come up later, but they're not obsessing over it, but we're obsessing over what we think people are thinking about us. So let's discuss this. Why we care so much in the first place what other people think about us? Caring about what other people think about us didn't come out of nowhere. It really didn't. There's a reason why you feel this way. Humans are wired for belonging. We are wired to belong, and that's why a lot of times people will lose themselves because they want to belong more than anything. So historically, being rejected from a group means danger. So if you're rejected, you start to feel unsafe, and then you start to question yourself and what could you have done differently? So your nervous system learned acceptance equals safety. And that's why when you see some people agreeing with bullies and the aggressor and the oppressor, it's because they think it's safe and it's also a trauma response, right? So they have this belief that if I just go along to get along, I'd be safe. So if you grew up in environments where love was conditional, which a lot of people did unfortunately, you you know, parents didn't know how to raise us, and you you know, now we talk about these things openly, but a lot of times love was conditional if you don't act right, if you don't get good grades, you know, if you don't trust a certain way, if you get in trouble, you know, you can lose your parents' love. If you were criticized or ashamed, you know, if you had to perform to be valued, if you were responsible for others' emotions, then caring what people think becomes a strategy, not a flaw, is a survival mechanism due to unhealed trauma of dealing with unconditional love growing up or being criticized or you know, had to perform to be valued or responsible for others' emotions. A lot of kids had to manage adults' emotions growing up. So this isn't a weakness when you care about what other people think. So when you hear people just post this stuff on social media and they're like, why do you care what other people think? You shouldn't care what other people think. It's not that simple. You have to peel off the layers to find out why you care. It's different for each person, you know? And it is very important to understand the why. You just can't stop doing it until you understand the why. So really caring about what other people think is adaptation. But what keeps you safe once may now be keeping you small. A lot of people play small because of childhood trauma, right? And caring what other people think. I know I used to play small because of that, and I didn't want people to feel bad, and so I would shrink, you know, also to fit in. Don't want to be an outsider. So the truth most people don't want to admit, and here's a reality check that can actually bring relief. Most people are not thinking about you that deeply. They really aren't. And that may seem like, oh really? Does that mean they don't care? Doesn't mean they don't care, but they got other things to think about. They got their life, their kids, their spouse, their their their work, they got other things to care for. So they really don't have time to harp on what you're doing. Maybe for the moment, but they can't worry about that all day. You know, most people are thinking about their own problems. We all have problems to deal with, right? No matter if they seem big or small to other people, it's something that we have to face in our own lives. They have their own insecurities. We we all have some in some way. So their own relationships. You know, they're trying to manage stuff. They may be worrying about what other people think, so they don't have time to worry about what you said. Um their own survival, their own image. So they have things that they have to tend to. So even when someone reacts to you strongly, it's rarely about you. It really isn't about you. You may feel that way because they're coming at you, right? They're confronting you, they're saying something, they're not going to talk to you, but it's really about what you activated in them. You trigger something in them. We tend to vastly overestimate our role in other people's inner worlds because our inner world is loud. We do. And, you know, people want to be important in other people's lives. A lot of people base their self-worth on how important they are in other people's lives. But you really can't be first in another person's life, just like no one should be first in yours, unless, you know, they're your kids or if you put God first, but really, nobody else should be first in your life. So we definitely tend to vastly overestimate our role in other people's interworlds. We do. But other people are the main character in their own story. So they're not the you're not the main character in their life, and they're not the main character in yours. You know? So that is something to keep in mind. It is very important to understand these things because once you do, you win. Life gets easier, you're less stressed out, you do less overthinking. So let's talk about projection. Projection, the hidden reason opinions feel personal. Let's talk about projection. Projection happens when people attribute their feelings to others, right? A lot of times when people say about you or say to you, they're projecting onto you their feelings. And they're making it true about you when it isn't true about you. They're not in your head, so they don't know what you're thinking. And they judge in others what they can't face in themselves. Very common. What we don't heal within ourselves, we will judge in others. That is rejection, and a lot of people do that. And they react emotionally without self-awareness. A lot of people say they have self-awareness, but and I don't mean this in a mean way, but they don't because they have unhealed trauma, they haven't done the work, but they think they're aware when actually they're on alert, they're actually on defense, but not truly aware or self-aware. You know, a lot of people will call themselves empaths because they learn to pick up the cues, right, of what somebody else is doing. But you can have that ability, but it doesn't mean you have full self-awareness because when you're an empath like that, you have to know what's your stuff and what's the other person's stuff. That's important. So let's give some examples of projection. Someone in securities may criticize your confidence. So someone who's insecure, they may put you down if they see you succeeding at something or accomplish something, or you know, they could just see your natural confidence. They will feel like they have to put you down. Someone who is unfulfilled may judge your growth. That is very common. A lot of people will judge someone who's living their dream and living their best life and say that they need to be humbled or who do they think they are, they're not special, they're not all that. And so a lot of times when people say they want to humble you, what they're saying is I want to shrink you so that I don't feel bad. I plan to do a whole podcast all about humbling someone. Someone uncomfortable with boundaries may call you selfish, right? And that's a projection. Because basically, you're entitled to boundaries. Someone afraid may label you as too much. You're too much. What in the heck does that even mean to be too much? What? You're happy, you're living your best life, you're living your truth, and they feel small, so they see you living your best life and they say you're too much. So their opinion is not a fact. So all these things that you fear, people judging you, they're actually projecting onto you. That's what they're doing. And this is a mirror of their inner world. So remember, insecure people will criticize confident people. People who are unfulfilled will judge people who are growing and evolving and living their best life. Someone who's afraid, see someone going after their dreams would call them too much. Or if you're just you know speaking your truth, right? You're too much. You know, someone uncomfortable with boundaries will call you selfish. You've learned to set boundaries. They haven't. They're gonna call you selfish, which is also a form of manipulation, calling someone selfish for setting boundaries. So remember, when you care about what other people think, you shouldn't, because really what they think of you is not the truth, it's their projection onto you. So when you internalize projections, you carry weight that was never yours to hold. That's really the truth. You are definitely carrying the weight of somebody else's stuff. That's when you really understand that, you stop carrying what other people think and you set yourself free. That's how you set yourself free. Why trying to control perception never works. And a lot of people do that. I think we've all done it at one time or another. I'm sure I've tried to do that, and it's exhausting. It doesn't work anyway. Many people live as if they can manage how others see them. Especially if you grew up in a household where there's a lot of trauma, right? And you kind of had to tiptoe and walk on eggshells, and you had to manage adults' emotions because they couldn't regulate their emotions, but they expected you to regulate yours. Um, this is what I would say. Many people live as if they can manage other how others see them. They try to explain themselves excessively, right? The over-explaining. I think a lot of us have done that at one time or another, and it doesn't work. You can explain yourself until the cows come home, and the person is not going to change their perception, and it won't calm your inner overthinking either. People pleasing. One thing I learned is if you try to please someone, they're gonna exhaust you, they're gonna keep on making you work harder and harder for their approval. Just don't do it. Avoiding conflict. A lot of people do try to avoid conflict, and what they learn is later on it blows up bigger because the universe says what we try to avoid will only get bigger and it will explode on us to where we can't avoid it. Like people who avoid conflict in their relationships, that relationship is gonna blow up with either affair or breakup or something. Something's gonna break it up. Some people stay quiet, they just put their head down, they stay quiet because they think that's safe. Or, you know, they over-edit their personality, right? They're not gonna be their true self, their authentic self. But here's the truth: you can't control how you're perceived. You really can't, it's not gonna work. It is impossible to control that. Two people can witness the same behavior and form completely different opinions based on their own filters. The example I like to give the most is about the Jacksons. You know, the sinking group, the Jacksons. There's nine siblings. They grew up with a very strict father, some people say abusive, and half of them had a problem with this behavior, and other half didn't. You know, some said it wasn't that bad, and some said it was horrible. They grew up in the same household with the same father, getting the same treatment, and they perceive it differently. And that happens often. We will talk about someone, and a person says, Well, I didn't have that experience, or I don't believe that. And so you can't manage anything because we have different filters. I'm gonna judge according to my filter. My filter is my life experience and what I've healed and not healed, right? And that goes for everybody. That's what your filter is your life experience, what you have healed and haven't healed, and how you perceive things. So remember that. And trying to manage perception will exhaust you because it requires you to abandon yourself repeatedly. It definitely does. And even then, you'll still be misunderstood. So you never get the payout from doing something like that. It just never works out for you. So don't do it. So this is the nervous system angle. Carrying what people think is not just mental, it's somatic. Your body reacts before your mind catches up. You may feel tightness in your chest, a pit in your stomach, a freeze response, an urge to explain or retract. This is your nervous system responding to perceived societal threat. The goal is to not stop caring entirely. The goal is to regulate enough that other people's opinions don't hijack your sense of self. That's really what it's about. When your body feels safe, opinions lose their grip. So your the opinions will lose their grip when your body feels safe. So that's why you have to do somatic work. Somatic work really just fixes a lot of problems. And doing that, it will stop you from overthinking and caring what people think. And so you no longer perceive it as a so as a social threat. Very important to understand that. The cost of caring too much there is a huge cost to caring too much. And it it it takes you away from yourself. You self-abandon, you're not focusing on your goals or dreams or wants because you're tiptoeing through life and you're worrying too much about people's opinions. And you know, I know there's a saying out there that says, What people think of you is none of your business. And that makes sense, right? Because it's their filter. But the whole thing is it's really you have to make it your business what you think of you instead of what other people think of you. So you stay in your business by worrying about how you perceive you, and that's peeling off the layers of healing, healing trauma, loving yourself as is, accepting who you are, not when you have more or accomplish more, but loving and accepting yourself now, and and healing that part of you that says, I can't be me. I have to care what other people think. I'm not enough. And so, you know, that's how you deal with that. So when you organize your life around others' opinions, you pay a price, right? When you care too much about what other people think, you pay a price. You delay your dreams, you hide your truth. You know, that's what people do, they delay their dreams, right? Because you don't know if you're gonna have the support. You know, there's there's this obsession online with entrepreneurs, they want their friends and family to clap for them. Let that shit go. Don't worry about people supporting you. You support yourself because some people can't support you. They may be jealous, they may hate to see you succeed because they're not succeeding. So it's very important for you to really work on you, focus. On you and make yourself number one and not what other people think about you. And you know, staying in relationships that drain you, whether they're romantic or friendships, they're both terrible. Don't do that. Shrinking your voice, I think we all have shrunk our voice at one time or another. And it's interesting when you stop shrinking your voice, and I noticed this when I stopped and I started speaking out, people they all know how to handle you, right? And they're like, gee, I don't like the new you. It's like, no, this is a person who was buried, who's come to the surface, right? Once you do the work. And you will also abandon your intuition. A lot of people want to open up their psychic gifts, but they won't until they stop abandoning themselves and stop caring what other people think. I really grew as a psychic when I stopped feeling weird about it and feeling weird about how people were perceived me because I was on this roadmap to be a doctor, a medical doctor, a science researcher, and then I went to the total total alternative world, right? A chiropractic, you know, Eastern beliefs and spiritual beliefs. And once I let go of that, I really started to grow. And so what I would say to you is don't abandon your intuition because that's the key to who you want to be and and your success, whatever that looks like. And that is your safety net. So over time, the cost isn't discomfort, it's self-betrayal when you shrink your voice, abandon your intuition, you know, you don't speak your truths, you don't focus on your dreams, and no amount of external approval can can repair that. It just can't. What it looks like to care less in a healthy way. That's important, to care less in a healthy way. Not caring what people think doesn't mean you're being rude, reckless, or unkind. It doesn't mean that at all. What that really means is that you're saying, I gotta put me first. I don't have time for other people's stuff. You know, their filters, what they haven't healed or unhealed, or how they're projecting onto me. I don't have time. You know, so not caring what people think doesn't make you rude, reckless, or unkind. It means you listen without internalizing everything. You can't do that. Don't make everything about you. You receive feedback without collapsing. And you know what? I'm gonna do a whole podcast on who to receive feedback from and who not, because feedback can also be a projection or a back-handed compliment or a put down, and so definitely don't, you know, receive it as truth and let it collapse you. You stay rooted in your values. That's what it means when you care less about what other people think. You let misunderstandings exist. Let them be wrong about you. People are wrong about me in all sorts of ways, whatever. You choose alignment over approval. You really don't need other people's approval. A lot of people don't even approve of themselves, so why are you seeking their approval? You stop asking, do they like me? Because you just don't care no more. And that that shocks people when you stop caring if someone likes you. And you start asking, Am I being honest with myself? That's what you start asking. And this shift changes everything. Doors open, your world opens, you get calmer, your nervous system regulates, you just get in a better position when you can do that. So, you know, every topic means a lot to me because I've lived a lot of these things and I've had clients go through these things, and I love discussing everything that I think can help make somebody's life better and easier. But I'm gonna close this out because I am a talkie one. Um, I I love to talk, and so freedom comes from self-trust. Trusting yourself is how you have the freedom. Not trusting other people's perception of you, but trusting your perception. Always tell people I gotta like me, I gotta love me, I gotta value me, so what you think of me is irrelevant. I just can't worry about that because I got to love me. And so let's end it with this truth. People are not thinking about you as deeply as you think they are. They are thinking about themselves, even when they project onto you, they're thinking about themselves. Their reactions are shaped by their wounds, fears, and conditioning. That's what it's about. So their reactions are shaped by their wounds, their fears, and their conditioning. You don't need to harden. No, you'll need to harden. You don't need to disappear, so you don't need to shrink. You don't need to prove anything at all. You really don't. You need to trust yourself enough to let others have their opinions about you without letting those opinions define you. Because they're not evidence, they're just what they think. One person could think you're nice, and one person could think you're mean. Some people like tough people, some people like soft people. You know? And so don't worry about it. And so it's not confidence to worry about what other people think. And when you stop worrying, you have freedom. So trust yourself enough to let others have their opinions without letting those opinions define you. It's freedom when you can do that. So this concludes this episode of my podcast for today. Thank you for listening and have a great day.